Original subtitles

(SHANGHAI SURPRISE PLAYING)

* I can't understand how I've gone astray

* I should be sailing away on a liner

* I was knocked on my back on a dock at Yangtze

* It's a hell of a way to see China

* But I'm ready

* You must be crazy

* And you got no money

* And you're a liar

* My straits are dire from the wok into the fire

* I'd like to trust you but I've broken my rickshaw

* Sometimes there's no hope in

* In chasing opium, man

* I'd like to love you

* But I'm not sure what's in your eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* Whatever you're saying, I want it anyway in

* Been hanging 'round like a kid at your back door

* Oh, babe

* You could be kinder and show me Asia Minor

* I'll let you love me

* Let you see what's here in my eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* You must be crazy * Crazy

* And you got no money * Money

* And it seems like madness

* Back streets so crowded that

* No room to swing a cat

* I'd like to know you but you're acting so coolie

* I'm finding out pursued by evil-looking dudes

* It's getting hot for me like tofu when it deep-fries

* Oh, Shanghai surprise

* But, baby, you look like any common crook

* That's hanging 'round in those real shady places

* While you assess me

* Why not try to impress me?

* Step over here, let me see what's there in your eyes

* Ah, Shanghai surprise

(EXPLOSIONS RUMBLING)

(DOG BARKING)

How can you stuff yourself at a time like this?

We should be on our way.

Simmer down, Willie.

We'll go when it's time to go.

Good God, man, the Japs are just down the road.

Don't fret about the Japs.

Their beef's with the Chinese.

We'll be fine once we cross the river

into the international settlement.

The flowers are ready, master.

Very good, Wu. Thank you.

Good God almighty,

we've been hanging about here for a bunch of bloody flowers?

Now, Willie. It's time.

WILLIE: You're cracked, Walter. You're nuts.

You'll get us killed over a bunch of flowers.

Not your everyday garden variety, Willie.

Take a look.

That's opium.

You're looking at a thousand dollars worth.

Best international currency in the world.

Half the weight of gold,

twice the value.

Nail it up, Wu.

Move out!

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(WU SHOUTING ORDERS IN MANDARIN)

Walter, the bridge is that way.

We're going for China Doll.

For heaven's sake, Walter.

There'll be plenty of China Dolls where we're headed.

You ought to be taking notes instead of drinking.

Get a scoop for your paper,

eyewitness to the extraordinary getaway of Walter Faraday,

The Opium King.

The power's out everywhere.

Wu, light some torches.

With the whole Chinese sector about to fall,

(WU YELLING IN MANDARIN) you'd think she'd be waiting.

What the devil?

(SHOUTING IN MANDARIN)

What the bloody hell...

We're in luck, Walter. It's not the Japs, it's the Chinese.

Now, look here, old man, we're on our way to the international...

(YELLS IN MANDARIN)

Hello, Mei Gan.

I thought you'd be halfway to Mongolia by now.

I could not leave without bidding you farewell.

Where's China Doll? What have you done with her?

She was escorted to a safer haven by your loyal servant Wu Ch'En She.

He should have informed you, as he informed me, you might be coming here.

Now, you will kindly return to me what is mine.

I'm afraid my loyal servant

seems to have double-crossed us both.

He just ran off with it.

(YELLS IN MANDARIN)

It won't do you any good.

(SIGHS)

Just the basic necessities for life on the road.

You know, for emergencies.

For luck.

A man can always use luck.

I'd skip that one, it's just mothballs.

Run like hell!

(MEN SCREAMING)

Come on. Jump for it, Willie. We've got to get across.

I can't. Walter, I can't.

Come on, Willie. We have to.

Whoo!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

Walter! Wa...

(BOAT HORN BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Thank you, lady.

WASEY: Where's my baggage, you castrated scum?

I want my baggage! MAN: You go! You go!

(SHOUTING IN MANDARIN)

Miss Tatlock,

I think we've found our man.

Mr. Burns, you can't be serious.

If he can be of help, we'll use the devil himself.

What about my wallet? There was a wallet in this jacket!

MAN: You no money. You no go.

You stole my last ten bucks, you thieving cornhole pirate!

(WASEY CONTINUES YELLING)

Sir, can we be of any assistance?

Yeah, have you got a torpedo handy?

Look at that.

He didn't even finish the nipples on my little sweetheart.

(YELLING)

(YELLING IN MANDARIN)

The Helping Hand aids many a weary traveler,

Mr...

Wasey. Glendon Wasey.

(YELLS IN MANDARIN)

We can't help but sympathize with your predicament, Mr. Wasey.

I believe your ship is due to leave on Thursday.

How would you like to earn your fare?

Sorry. I'm not cut out for the soup kitchen. Thanks.

Well, all you have to do is make a few enquiries for us.

Yeah? Why me?

You speak Chinese with such flair.

Yeah, a lot of good it does me. I might as well quack.

We're anxious to contact a rickshaw puller.

He's the father of a soldier who's lost his leg.

The poor lad is delirious.

I've absolutely no aptitude for the native gibberish

and Miss Tatlock's only been here a few weeks.

The boy was barely able to scratch his father's name.

Can you make it out?

Wu Ch'En She.

You see, Miss Tatlock, I knew we'd picked a winner.

You know, people don't talk cheap here in Shanghai.

I'm gonna need a bankroll.

Whatever you need, Miss Tatlock will provide.

Not that we don't trust you, of course.

But a person free of financial responsibility

can perform much more efficiently.

What is that?

Amy the Killer.

I bought 100 gross of these babies in Canton.

They'll eat 'em up in LA.

They glow in the dark.

As a matter of fact, they're glowing in my crates right now.

Hey, how would you like to come into

the shadows with me and have a peek, baby?

It's perfectly bright enough as it is, thank you.

You know, I'll tell you something.

There's probably 10,000 rickshaw boys in Shanghai.

I'm gonna need a miracle.

You forget my calling, Mr. Wasey.

I believe in miracles.

Loan me ten cents, ma'am, will ya? I'm dry as a bone.

Absolutely not. I do not approve of drinking.

Look at me, I'm shaking. I can't be any good to you like this.

You're wasting your time, Mr. Wasey.

What about rice?

You don't have anything against rice, do you? I haven't eaten in three days.

Very well.

Thanks.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Mmm.

Uh, rice wine.

Look at that. Steady as a brain surgeon.

I have something to say to you, Mr. Wasey.

I do not intend to be made a fool of.

You're flippant, facetious,

and I suspect, sorely lacking in moral fiber.

However, I am duty-bound to Mr. Burns to work with you,

and I shall try.

We've made a deal, you and I and he,

and I expect you to live up to it.

Do I make myself clear?

You don't like me much, do you, ma'am?

Well, maybe after you get to know me a little bit, what do you think?

I think there's very little chance of that.

I expect our association to be an extremely brief one.

Pick one.

I'll do no such thing.

It's degrading to use your fellow man as a beast of burden.

Yes, but when you're looking for a rickshaw puller,

the best person to ask is the Rickshaw King.

We'll take a taxi.

Then we'll find the Taxi King.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(ALL CLAMORING)

TATLOCK: This is deplorable.

Give me some money.

You're not going to gamble with mission funds, Mr. Wasey.

You call it gambling. I call it bribery.

Either way we've got to loosen some lips.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Come on, Jiminy, whip his ass, boy.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Wu Ch'En She!

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Wu Ch'En She!

(SPITTING)

Wu Ch'En She!

I don't think this guy's very popular around here.

(SPITTING)

Uh, let's get out of here.

(ALL CLAMORING)

You really want to find this guy, huh?

We're not going to be discouraged by one little setback.

One little setback? I'd call it a lynch mob.

Alcoholics always tend to overdramatize.

You're probably right. So, I guess we'll just ignore the guy following us, huh?

It's the horrid man from the cricket fight.

He's gaining.

Give me a coin.

Come on, lady, we've got to grease the wheels.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING IN MANDARIN)

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

Uh-oh.

That man is a maniac.

I need a weapon. What have you got for a weapon?

Here, take that.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

Please!

Dear friend.

Justin Kronk?

I can help you locate a certain gentleman.

Help Mr. Kronk to his feet, Mr. Wasey.

Oh, thank you, dear Madame.

Am I to understand you can help us find a Mr. Wu Ch'En She?

Shh!

Why does everybody get their peckers in a vice when you mention Wu Ch'En She?

The gentleman is a renegade,

a swindler, and a cheat.

Is that all they have against him?

He owes most of those men money from gambling debts,

an act of extreme dishonor.

They would kill him on sight.

Now, I personally do not know the gentleman's whereabouts,

but for a small fee, I can take you to someone who does.

(SPEAKS MANDARIN)

My friend presides over a very successful insurance company.

But, you know, Mr. Wasey, local custom requires that you conduct a little business

before requesting information from a stranger.

Come.

Kronk.

Venerable sir,

I have some business for you.

Ah!

Good afternoon, reverend lady, gentleman.

Please sit down.

My calling name is Ho Chong.

And greeting is deeply extended.

Unlike Western companies,

I insure those parts of the body the most precious by my customs.

How big a policy we gotta buy to find Wu Ch'En She?

Ah! Here's a fine bargain. The armpits, the genitals and both ankles

at 40 Shanghai dollars.

What do you got for 30?

For $30, I could do the armpits, the genitals and both ankles.

But I could not find Wu Ch'En She.

Okay. How about

the armpits, the genitals... Mr. Wasey!

Would you please conclude this transaction?

All right. We'll take your $40 policy.

(CHUCKLES) And you, reverend lady,

would you care protection for certain parts?

No, thank you.

The lips and ears perhaps.

Thank you, I said no.

Your twin pagodas, maybe?

Definitely not.

Surely you would to protect your haven of celestial bliss.

Dare you! I don't think her haven is in much danger.

Mr. Wasey, I demand we conclude our business here.

Okay, she'll take the ears, the lips and them twin pagodas.

Uh-huh.

Excellent!

If you will follow me, please?

Am I walking too rapidly, reverend lady?

What's that awful stench?

Oh, merely the fragrance of a successful fishing voyage.

Welcome to the home of Wu Ch'En She.

What a horrible place!

A man in great debt must sometimes live in seclusion to cultivate longevity.

Oh, Master Wu!

Wu Ch'En She, I bring friends.

(SHOUTS)

He seldom welcomes his infrequent guests.

Hey, what are you up to? There's nobody down there.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm telling you, look.

Well, we must rectify that.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Next time the cargo could be sharks.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

A gift, dear friend.

I'm gonna strangle you!

You know, the Chinese find the juice of the tomatoes the only suitable antidote

for the aromas of skunk,

fish and putrefied flesh.

When I get out of this tub,

I'm going to beat you like a red-headed stepchild.

But why? I saved your life.

I took you to the Red Society,

an organization with, uh, with an ironic sense of humor.

Had I delivered you to the Green Society,

they would have slit your throat.

Hung you up to drip like a Peking duck.

For looking for the father of a wounded soldier?

Mmm, interesting.

Interesting? What's so goddamn interesting?

My dear friend, Wu Ch'En She has no sons.

So then why am I looking for him?

Perhaps you should ask the pious lady.

Every damn word out of your mouth has been a lie, hasn't it?

I can explain.

Yeah. There isn't any brave little boy

crying for Wu Ch'En She at all, is there? Is there?

Look me straight in the eye and give me a one word answer.

No, there isn't. No, there isn't.

A missionary lying!

It's like pissing all over God's uniform.

If I had told you the truth, you never would have agreed to help us.

Help you what?

Mr. Wasey, at this very moment, tens of thousands of

courageous soldiers are suffering agonizing pain

because of a terrible shortage of morphine.

And not one of them is related to Wu Ch'En She.

That's true, but a year ago Wu Ch'En She betrayed his master, Walter Faraday.

Oh, hold the phone. The Walter Faraday?

Walter Faraday, the Opium King?

Well, anyway, they say Wu stole 1,100 pounds of opium from this Mr. Faraday.

You're looking for Faraday's flowers.

You've heard of them?

I've also heard of El Dorado and the Lost Dutchman Mine.

They don't exist either. You're crazy, you know that?

Do you know what they did to Walter Faraday? Do you?

Answer me, damn it!

I can't.

You smell so bad I can't think straight.

After they shot him, drowned him and burnt him,

they say he was fished out of the river,

skinned and deboned, then hung up

for everybody to see on the Lower Nanking Road.

That's only hearsay.

Maybe so. But if they'll do that to an Opium King,

can you imagine what they're going to do

to the Glow-in-the-dark Tie King?

I'll be seeing you, Miss Tatlock.

What about your ties? What about 'em?

Mr. Burns has them stored at the mission.

You're welcome to follow me there, but please walk upwind.

(SNIFFING)

Oh, dear. I sense you've encountered the Red Society.

I'm afraid he knows.

No point in apologies, pal.

I just want my stuff.

You must think we're lunatics.

Lunatics? You're worse than lunatics.

Two missionaries and a Glow-in-the-dark tie salesman

do not just stroll up to people

and ask if they've seen 1,000 pounds of opium lying around.

I told you we picked the wrong man.

This time they threw us in the fish.

Next time we get grinded into cat food.

He's right, you know.

I'm afraid we've been hopelessly irresponsible.

Perhaps this will make up for it.

A ticket?

I paid your fare to Los Angeles.

Your captain will welcome you back with open arms.

Your ship sails the day after tomorrow.

I booked a room for you in the Hotel Penang.

It's plain but adequate.

And, uh, here's a small contribution...

(COUGHING)

...towards your new clothes.

WASEY: That's mighty white of you, Burns.

Do you have any plans for this evening, Mr. Wasey?

No. No, I don't.

Well, we can't have you leaving Shanghai without tasting the duck.

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

My treat.

I hope you're not offended, Mr. Wasey, but that new tie is a major improvement.

It's a little subdued for me. Boy, this place looks great.

Oh, we're not eating here.

I've got something more elegant in mind.

(BAND PLAYING) Your regular table?

An old watering hole, Mr. Wasey?

I've never been here before. I couldn't afford it till I met you.

PROSTITUTE: Where have you been, Phil?

May I join you?

What are you doing here?

Well, like you, Mr. Wasey, I come for the duck,

for the interesting people, for the beautiful flowers.

The usual, sir.

Gin? I hate gin. Give me whiskey.

Naughty boy. You tried to jilt us.

Tried to jilt you? We've missed you, cheri.

Oh, you have? I don't even know who you are.

I see you have quite a following, Mr. Wasey.

Beat it.

Heavens above, has the fetching Miss Tatlock

taken up the oldest profession?

Don't be silly. You have a following of your own there, Tatlock.

My God, Phil, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

My name is not Phil.

No, you're quite right. You're not Phil at all, are you?

Mr. Tuttle, this is my friend, Mr. Wasey.

Mr. Tuttle is a distinguished journalist.

He's also the foremost authority

on Walter Faraday in Shanghai.

Oh, well, what a coincidence.

Could this possibly be the reason

we're dining in this charming establishment?

I just didn't want you to think we made the whole thing up.

Tell him, Willie. Tell him the flowers really do exist.

Oh, they exist all right, old boy. I've seen them.

Tell him where, Willie.

Faraday's villa, the night he was killed.

Five crates of premium opium.

My God, you look like Phil Borak.

You know, I hadn't the foggiest idea how to help you before,

but now I've seen Mr. Wasey.

I think she'd be amused. Don't you, Kronk?

I think she'd be fascinated.

Who? Who?

I'd like to introduce you to a remarkable woman.

She trained as an imperial concubine.

I'm sorry, but Mr. Wasey isn't here to participate... No, wait.

She is very selective and he is definitely her type.

And she works off the premises.

But we don't have the time or the money.

She believes she's an empress.

The fortunate patron becomes her emperor.

An emperor? I absolutely forbid this!

Her name is China Doll and she's Walter Faraday's mistress.

How much will it cost and when can we pay our first visit?

This could be a setup.

Don't be silly. I'm not.

Tuttle could be on some gang's payroll. Kronk, too.

Then why would they agree to help us and then turn around and hurt us?

Everybody else has.

(SIGHS)

Oh, too bad.

I guess we've got to go back.

(EXHALING)

Where did you learn that? In missionary school?

No.

An exclusive girls' school with an extremely strict curfew.

(CAT MEOWS)

It says, "Welcome, Mr. Wasey."

Bon voyage. Have a nice trip.

I've changed my mind. I'm not going.

It's the last thing I'll ever ask of you.

I promise.

You look sincere, and you sound sincere,

and you're lying through your teeth.

Well, then,

you leave me no alternative.

That's my ticket.

Where did you get that?

You picked my pocket.

I certainly did and I'm quite prepared to tear it up.

Oh, you wouldn't do that.

Yes, I would.

You have no idea of the depth of my determination.

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN)

(BREATH AWAY FROM HEAVEN PLAYING)

Now I know why cannibals like to barbeque missionaries.

* And I was captured by her loneliness

* A wounded tiger on a willowy path

* Like an opalescent moon all alone

* In the sky of a foreign land

* Ooh, ooh

* She can take the breath

* Away from heaven

I see you admire Yehonala.

Was she a queen?

The Emperor fell in love with Yehonala

in the heavenly gardens of the Summer Palace.

She bore his only son.

When the Emperor died,

Yehonala was elevated to Empress Dowager.

(BREATH AWAY FROM HEAVEN PLAYING)

Attend him.

* In another life

* I woke up dreaming with a sigh

* As the morning light

* Was painting whispers of a joy

Take one. It will assist you.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I don't need any assistance.

Can you be certain?

I'm fit as a fiddle.

My mistress is well-schooled in such ceremonial acts as

The West Wind, The Wounded Tiger, The Willow Path,

The Chair, The Obedient Wife.

She has also mastered the six blown breath stimulants,

the eight shallow penetrations,

the nine minor and 11 major positions,

as well as the technique of passive acceptance,

forceful dominance, contortion and mobile union.

* And I was captured by her loneliness

* A wounded tiger on a willowy path

* Like an iridescent moon all alone

* In the sky of a foreign land

* She can move your soul without you knowing

* She can take your breath away from heaven *

A good concubine always paints a whisper of pleasure to come upon her emperor.

Do you know what this means?

Horse.

Now you must paint on me.

Do you know the symbol for the whip?

Whip?

I'll try.

Tonight we shall begin with the whip and the horse.

Whip?

Where are we going to find a whip at this time of night?

(LAUGHS)

Where else, but at the end of the horse's tail.

(EXCLAIMS)

(MOANS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Mr. Wasey, do you know what time it is?

Uh, late for breakfast or early for lunch.

It is precisely 7:33 a.m. and I'd like a full report.

No, you wouldn't.

What did you find out about Walter Faraday?

Walter who?

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Nothing.

Nothing?

Well, then, exactly what did you do for eight hours?

Everything.

That's revolting.

I was having such a good time I almost forgot my own name

until I walked in here just now and you said "Mr. Wasey."

(LAUGHS)

Then I suggest you march straight back there for another meeting.

No, ma'am.

I'm tired, I'm hungry.

I'm gonna go out and get a huge breakfast,

then I'm gonna come, and I'm gonna lay in that bed

and I'm gonna get a good rest.

And if certain people let me sleep,

then I might consider your request.

Mr. Kronk!

Did you miss anything? Would you like us to repeat it for you?

Please, dear friend, we must talk at once.

Yeah, talk to her. I'm going to breakfast.

But I have urgent information, only ten Shanghai dollars.

Mr. Wasey, you don't understand.

It could save your life. They may kill you.

Look, I love you, Kronk, but you're standing between me and my mission.

What do you mean?

I'm going to have those nice cops over there guide me

to the best breakfast joint in town.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you mustn't.

Next time I see you, I'll set you up with a nice tie.

(POLICEMAN YELLING)

(YELLING IN MANDARIN) Oh, no.

Please bring Mr. Wasey a chair.

Mr. Wasey doesn't want a chair.

He wants to know what the hell is going on here.

I'm not interested in your questions, Mr. Wasey.

Only your answers.

I'm minding my own business and your guys haul me off like a common pickpocket.

Last night you went to see a woman named China Doll.

Yes or no?

Why should I tell you anything? Who the hell are you?

All you need to know is that I'm a person

who can cause you intense pain.

I'm an American citizen. I got a passport registered with the U.S. Consulate.

(CHUCKLES)

There was once an emperor named Cheng Wang who ruled during the Chin Dynasty.

His police caught a peddler stealing roses

from the royal gardens one afternoon.

They chopped off his head on the spot.

When the emperor heard about the incident,

he was furious at the leniency of the sentence.

Come on. Wait, look.

I'll tell you anything you want to know.

Indeed you will, Mr. Wasey.

But we must be certain it's the truth.

In your country they have a saying that an alert person

is someone who is always on his toes.

Let us hope that you have a talent for remaining on your toes.

Okay.

I did visit China Doll last night.

Why?

I can't hear you, Mr. Wasey.

Flowers. Faraday's flowers.

Explain.

(CREAKING)

Opium. 1,000 pounds. Five crates.

(LAUGHS)

Thank God you're all right.

Mr. Kronk and I have been worried sick about you.

You are all right, aren't you, Mr. Wasey?

Go away. I'm sick.

Mr. Kronk knew the police were after you. He tried to...

You're drunk, aren't you?

Oh, I am that. Yeah.

Go get under the shower and sober up.

Oh, my gosh.

Did the police do this to you?

They looked like police.

It must have been the police.

That's what Mr. Kronk came to warn you about.

He had heard that they were concerned about our interest in the flowers.

Yeah, the bastard probably told them himself.

Ah!

They wouldn't resort to such barbaric tactics

if we weren't on the right track. And tonight...

Oh yeah. The right track or wrong track, I'm out of it.

And tonight when you have your second meeting with China Doll,

we'll have our breakthrough.

Tonight,

I'm going to be laying right here.

Finding the opium is the most important thing I'll ever do.

I can't find it without your help.

I'm not budging till tomorrow afternoon

where I sail out of your life forever.

Please, Mr. Wasey, I give you my word.

I'll never ask you to put yourself in danger again.

I'll drink to that.

You'll have to volunteer.

I don't volunteer to pass the salt.

You've got to help me. You've just got to.

What are you doing?

You leave me no alternative

but to put you under obligation.

(LAUGHING) No, no.

No, you don't. No, no. You're not thinking.

You're bluffing, Miss Tatlock.

I'm merely placing you under the obligation to continue helping me.

Is this something else you picked up in missionary school?

Well, go all the way.

Go ahead. It won't do you an ounce of good.

You're wasting...

You're wasting your time. I'm not gonna look.

Could we please get on with this, Mr. Wasey? We have a lot to do today.

No. Sorry. I had more fun when I had the mumps.

I'm waiting, Mr. Wasey.

You can wait all day, but I refuse to be put under obligation.

That doesn't obligate me one little bit.

No.

You know, it's very pleasant, but I'm still not obligated.

I am a man of steel.

(WHIMPERING)

What did you say, Mr. Wasey? I can't hear you.

Oh, no.

Louder, please.

I'm obligated. I'm obligated.

Hey, watch it with that stuff.

It'll tear a hole in your stomach.

Good, maybe it'll balance the hole in my head.

Oh, Mr. Wasey,

I've messed up everything.

No, you were an angel.

Angel?

I just blackmailed you shamelessly.

Well, don't knock shameless. You were great.

Mr. Wasey, I release you from your obligation.

You mean no more China Doll? No more Faraday's flowers? Nothing?

(HICCUPPING)

Absolutely.

(SCREAMING)

Miss Tatlock!

(DUCKS QUACKING)

(SNICKERS)

It's not funny!

Well, this isn't going to do much for my reputation.

Most girls reach for a cigarette,

one or two have left in a huff,

but nobody,

nobody has ever jumped out the window before.

You know, I could have stayed home in Brookline, Massachusetts,

and married a nice Ivy League banker.

Why didn't you?

The whole country's standing in a breadline

and I just wanted to do something useful.

Look how I wind up, with a bunch of chickens.

They're ducks.

(SOBBING)

Oh, maybe your luck is changing.

I intend to honor my obligation.

No, I just couldn't let myself ask you to do another thing for me.

But still I got to insist. I'm a man of my word.

I mean, you've done enough for me already.

Miss Tatlock... I will not have you seeing that woman again.

I won't have to.

You don't really think I spent all that time

with China Doll without asking her about Walter Faraday, do you?

It was a delicate subject.

I had to pick just the right moment to bring it on.

(MOANING)

Don't stop. Oh, God! Don't stop. Don't stop.

Wasey,

don't you think it's time for you

to ask me about the true purpose of your visit?

Now?

What better time for two people to reveal the truth?

The truth? What truth?

The truth about Faraday's flowers.

Oh, that. What about 'em?

(MOANS)

They say the flowers were stolen by a servant,

Wu Ch'En She.

I knew that already.

Perhaps I can help you.

Later.

Later you may forget.

When Walter insisted I leave Shanghai with him,

Wu hid me.

And in return,

I arranged a buyer for the opium he would steal.

His name is Joe Go.

Joe Go? Where do I find this Joe Go?

Mmm, later, Wasey.

(MOANS)

TATLOCK: Well, for heaven's sakes, did she tell you where to find this Joe Go?

Glendon, I'm talking to you.

Oh. Um...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, of course she told me where to find him.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Quite frankly, Miss Tatlock, I couldn't stand you before.

(LAUGHS)

You are Mr. Wasey?

Yeah.

Joe Go awaits you.

Joe Go, a regular Dizzy Dean, huh?

(LAUGHS)

What do you think? You ever see Dizzy pitch?

Sure.

I saw him beat the Reds on the Fourth of July at Crosley Field.

Fantastic!

So what's a nice all-American boy like you

want with 1,000 pounds of opium, huh?

Would you believe that's what it takes to get back to Los Angeles these days?

China Doll said you have a pretty face

and I should tell you all I know about Faraday's flowers.

Okay.

About a year ago Joe Go put up big down payment

so Wu Ch'en She can deliver five crates of super Grade A opium.

Only crates turn into five loads of super grade A bricks

and one small ball of Faraday's opium.

Someone pulled a switch. Wu Ch'En She?

Definitely not Wu.

Joe Go have Yamagani San beat Wu to a pulp.

No, if someone make the switch,

Joe Go bet on Faraday.

What was that?

Very hot item.

Joe Go call it Shanghai Surprise.

See. Stockpiling's hell of a damn good business.

Look.

Coca-Cola, Budweiser,

Gillette Blue Blades. Opium, penny ante business.

Do you think the flowers still exist?

Joe Go ask himself, "If flowers don't exist, why does Wu still exist?"

You mean he's really alive?

Could we speak to him?

Tell you what, Joe Go out his down payment.

You want to speak to Wu?

You take Joe Go off the hook. Okay?

Okay.

Let's see.

I have, uh, $38.

Sister, $38 may get you ten cartons of Lucky Strike Greens,

but Joe Go is in hole for 12,000 big ones.

I might have something worth more than that.

Jo Go know fastball, curveball, change-up,

even the elusive screwball.

But what the hell was this wondrous pitch?

A knuckleball.

Ah, yes. Word of this magic has come to Joe Go's ears.

You will teach me?

After you bring us to Wu Ch'En She.

Teach first.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

I'd stay here if I were you.

Don't be silly.

This could be the end of our search.

Okay, let's go.

(MAN COUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Hey! Hey!

Give me my purse back!

(TATLOCK SCREAMING)

Glen!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Glen!

(WU YELLING)

Are you Wu Ch'En She?

(MAN COUGHING)

Where are Faraday's flowers?

Who did this to you? Who?

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

I'm not sure, but I think it means "The last phoenix." Whatever that is.

Well, in Chinese mythology, the phoenix has always been a symbol of benevolence.

What puzzles me is why you were tortured.

It's just that, since the occupation,

the police have stopped torturing people except for purely political reasons.

That makes sense.

I mean, this guy stopped stretching my neck

the minute I mentioned opium.

Sadistic no-hands bastard.

(CHOKING)

No hands? Are you certain?

Well, it's pretty hard to make a mistake about a thing like that.

I saw a Chinese officer called Mei Gan

have his hands blown off the night Walter was killed.

Like everyone else, I've always thought

that the bad blood between those two had to do with the opium.

But looking back on the meticulous way

he searched that money belt,

it's entirely possible the dispute between them had to do with something else.

There was a warlord in the North who became an outlaw.

His name was also Mei Gan.

You know everything, don't you, Kronk? I beg your pardon?

Yeah, you know when the police want to see me,

you know where to get insurance, you know who is who.

You probably know how many damn freckles I have on my ass!

Glendon! What's the matter with you?

Him! He's what's the matter with me.

I mean, who is this guy? What does he want?

I should be happy to answer you, Mr. Wasey.

I think you're a very enterprising individual.

I have no doubt whatsoever that you will accomplish your task.

I am just as certain that in some small way

I will help you achieve your goal.

And if I am correct, I expect to be rewarded.

As I'm sure Mr. Tuttle here

expects fair payment for services rendered.

After all, dear boy,

it was I that introduced you to China Doll.

We're The Helping Hand,

not Handouts Anonymous.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I wish you'd give up this opium business

and just go back to saving souls.

Mr. Wasey, believe me, I'm not some little lamb who's lost in the woods.

No, you're not lost in woods, you're lost in a jungle.

Shanghai is the most dangerous city...

See what I mean?

Joe Go awaits you.

Well, you can just tell Joe Go to await us a little longer, okay?

(GRUNTS)

Joe Go await you now!

Looks like we're in for a little night baseball.

Hey, Big Stick! Joe Go on pins and needles.

What did old Hookah Head have to say, huh?

Well, he blinked a few times, blew a few smoke rings

and whistled a mean chorus of Beat Me, Daddy, Eight to the Bar.

Don't throw Joe Go curveball, Big Stick!

Just explain what he said about monkey business around neck.

Tell him, Glen. What have we got to lose?

All he said was, "The last phoenix."

Son of a gun.

Yeah, something to do with Chinese mythology.

(CHUCKLES) Mythology?

Joe Go, student of Chinese mythology shit.

Phoenix, huh? Okay.

First phoenix come up to bat during the reign of Huang-ti, Yellow Emperor.

Phoenix come up to bat last time

when it scratch at grave of Hung-wu,

first emperor of the Ming.

Scratched at the emperor's... It doesn't mean anything, does it?

Wu not only junkie, but, uh, crazy as a bedbug.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, Joe Go very, very sorry about bump on head.

But just pretend it was wild pitch.

Okey-dokey.

Let's go.

Well, Miss Tatlock, I guess this is the end of the line for me.

What time does your boat leave tomorrow?

4:00.

I'll try to get down to the docks to see you off.

(GROANS)

Well, I'd like that.

I better take this taxi.

(SIGHS)

Miss Tatlock,

do you ever wonder about what might have happened if we had met someplace else?

The bar at the Coconut Grove or...

Oh, make it a church picnic, Easter Sunday.

(GIGGLING)

You've never been to a church picnic in your life.

That's right, I haven't.

Thank Burns for me, all right?

For what?

For the intro.

If it hadn't been for him, we never would have met in a million years.

Wait.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I don't mind.

(SOMEPLACE ELSE PLAYING)

* I hope you won't let go

* Maybe you'll let me know

* That you'll be saddened like you've never been

* Regretting that we'll leave

* And for a while I could comfort you

* And hold you for some time

* I need you now to be beside me

* While all my world is sad and crazy

* Loneliness

* Empty faces

* Wish I could leave them all

* In someplace else

Good evening, Mr. Wasey.

We regret the necessity for the hostile behavior,

but we didn't feel you'd receive us cordially.

I'm so sorry. I really do abhor these nasty little things.

You better keep it on me or I'm gonna have to kick you out of here.

As you wish. We'll get straight to the point.

After dinner... We went to Mr. Tuttle's newspaper

and looked up Mei Gan in the morgue.

Look.

WASEY: That's the son-of-a-bitch before he lost his hands.

But... But look at the headline on that clipping.

"Did This Man Loot the Royal Tombs?"

It would appear that Mei Gan added grave robbing to his repertoire of activities.

Would you care to guess who Mei Gan is sitting with?

You tell me.

My dear departed friend, Walter Faraday.

Wait a minute.

They say the last phoenix scratched at the emperor's grave.

So, if Mei Gan also robbed graves,

that would be why Wu'd call him the last phoenix.

Very good.

And one of the graves he plundered

was the tomb of the Empress Tzu Hsi.

The Empress Tzu Hsi was also known by her family name, Yehonala.

Yehonala?

(CHUCKLING)

Boys, I owe you a dinner.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

WASEY: I have come to ask something only Yehonala would know.

What treasures did the warlord Mei Gan plunder from your tomb?

Do you think I would reveal to you what I have told no one else

merely because you resemble someone I once cared for?

Not at all. I'm hoping you'd tell me

so that I can convince some good people they're chasing a rainbow.

The desecrator Mei Gan stole everything.

Yehonala's paintings, swords, scrolls,

my porcelain dreams and my heavenly gardens.

Heavenly gardens? A flower garden?

A bouquet of beautiful violets.

Stems, emeralds.

The buds, rubies.

The leaves, diamonds.

Faraday's flowers.

Yehonala's flowers.

Faraday stole them from Mei Gan.

Walter was persuaded to retrieve from a thief

what always belonged to Yehonala.

All right.

I'll tell my friends only that the opium does not exist.

Yehonala has done me a great service.

She also makes me very sad.

Why sad, Wasey?

I've met Mei Gan.

He'll stop at nothing to get back what Faraday took from him.

He'll come after you.

Mei Gan came to me a year ago,

after Walter died.

He did this to me.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Okay.

(GUNSHOT)

You've been a most resourceful young man.

I commend you.

Look, whatever you want to know, I'll tell you.

(SCOFFS)

You've not only mastered the enigma of Chinese mythology,

but judging from where you've just come,

I suspect you've also solved the mystery of the Heavenly Gardens.

Look, it was opium I was after, not jewels.

4:00 this afternoon, I'm on my way back to Los Angeles.

Oh. How do you intend to travel?

By steamship or burlap sack?

You've got to be kidding.

I assure you if your answer is burlap sack,

I can accommodate you immediately.

Steamship, of course.

Good. Then you are free to embark

the moment you return the Heavenly Gardens to me.

You know who has them. Why can't you just get them?

Because the lady is immune to my methods of persuasion.

So what makes you think I'm going to be more successful?

I mean, she's crazy.

She thinks she's an empress.

(SIGHS)

In your country when two men conclude a deal,

I believe it's customary to shake hands.

Don't be impolite, Mr. Wasey. It would offend me.

(GROANING)

No opium?

My source was so reliable.

I can't believe that Faraday's flowers was merely a bunch of jewels.

Merely a bunch of jewels?

Jesus Christ!

Would you... Tell him, we've hit the jackpot here.

Mr. Burns, those jewels can buy more opium than we've ever dreamed of.

We are missionaries, Miss Tatlock.

We're not in the business of fencing stolen property.

Well, we can't turn our back on those suffering men.

She won't just hand you the jewels.

From what you've told us, this woman's crazy.

Look, so she's crazy. Maybe she's just crazy enough...

Maybe she's just crazy enough to buy some sermon about saving her army.

At least she's willing to meet Miss Tatlock.

(SIGHS)

Well, it's highly unconventional, but go.

Go, with my blessings.

Has Yehonala given any thought to my proposal?

I must ask your friend a question, Wasey.

You say you wish to help my country.

Why should my jewels be used to buy the opium drug

instead of guns?

Guns cause pain. Opium eases pain.

I stripped the empress of the original glass stones,

painted the jewels and sewed them on.

A ruby.

Thank you.

Now you must go.

You will not be safe until you dispose of the Heavenly Gardens.

You know, you've really done a wonderful thing, Glen.

I hope you always feel that way.

Why wouldn't I?

Sometimes things look different in the light of day.

Will you miss China Doll, Mr. Wasey?

Uh-oh. Oh, it's only the police.

(GASPS) What are we going to do?

Give ourselves up, I guess.

No. I'm not going with him. He's a gangster.

Better hop in, Big Stick. You've got big trouble.

Help me, Joe Go. The man has lost his mind.

Go! Go!

(SHOUTING IN MANDARIN)

Stop! Let's go! Let's get away!

Going somewhere, Mr. Wasey?

Hey there, good buddy.

I was just looking for you.

It did not appear that way to me.

You were trying to get away with your friends.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no, no. These are not my friends.

They abducted me.

I'm relieved.

I was beginning to think a handshake meant nothing to you.

No. I'm a man of my word, and a deal is a deal.

Deal? What deal?

A very generous deal.

Yeah, a real bargain, see.

I get him the jewels and he lets me stay alive.

You deceitful jelly-spined backstabbing bastard.

You didn't learn that in Brookline, Massachusetts.

No. I got it from associating with... With pricks like you!

MEI GAN: Enough of this.

Now, Mr. Wasey, you will kindly return to me what is mine.

Be glad to.

I was sure it was... Did... Did I give it to you?

No, you rat, you took them from me.

You should pray you haven't deceived me.

Permit us.

Hey, easy on the shirt.

Nothing in it, Mei Gan. Just personal junk.

Family pictures, picture of my mom, dog.

You open it.

(SIGHS)

There's nothing in it.

My handicap makes it difficult to test your honesty. Open it!

Okay, but it's a waste of time.

My little black book.

My membership, Peking YMCA.

And my... Oh, my library card's expired. Damn.

And my

Lone Ranger badge.

Silk stockings.

(SIGHS)

You're never lonely with a pair of silk stockings.

Hershey bar.

This is pictures.

That's it. That's everything.

One more compartment, Mr. Wasey.

Now, I know that that looks promising,

but there are nothing but mothballs in there, I assure you.

Open it!

(SIGHS)

Suit yourself.

See? Mothballs.

Don't be sore, old buddy. Okay?

There are just times that you can't get what you want

by stringing people up by the neck,

or bullying them into double-crossing someone they care about.

Or even pulling out their fingernails,

you sorry sadistic son-of-a-bitch.

How dare you talk to Mei Gan like that!

I timed that speech to last just that long!

Come on!

(TATLOCK SCREAMING)

TATLOCK: I forgot I can't swim.

(COUGHING)

I was worried about you when you picked up that Shanghai Surprise.

You were slick, Big Stick. Really slick.

Thanks.

Too bad the jewels went up in smoke, huh?

Yeah, better them than us. Better neither.

TATLOCK: Oh, my gosh! Give them to me.

Joe Go, can you take us to the mission?

I'll deliver them personally.

Hey!

Stockpiling is great, but robbery is better. Thanks, Big Stick.

I do not accept this! I do not accept this!

(LAUGHING)

You give those back to me!

Sister, you always...

(GROANING)

How's that for a ball game, you little creep?

Come on...

(TATLOCK SCREAMING)

God damn it!

Now what's the matter?

If I had had that kind of control when I needed it,

I'd be pitching for the Yankees now

instead of selling crummy painted ties.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Thank God you're safe.

We did it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It's a miracle.

Hello.

Come on, fellas, not again.

Don't be offended, old boy. We're only looking after our own interests.

And it would appear our timing is immaculate.

Brothers, I don't suppose an appeal from a humble servant of the Lord

could move your sense of compassion and humility.

Oh, bugger off, you old fart.

That's a shame.

(GRUNTING)

Mr. Burns?

(GROANING)

That's for trying to stick me up, Willie.

And that's the time you nearly left me to drown.

Poor Willie. He never had a gift for larceny.

Miss Tatlock, if I were you, I'd sit down.

I think you've just witnessed a resurrection.

Oh, nothing so dramatic.

Plucked from the sea by a timely fisherman's net,

and a year in Osaka to patch myself up and plan my return.

Mr. Burns. You're not Mr. Burns.

No, ma'am. I'm just an ex-opium king

who stole some jewels for a lovely lady who refused to return them.

So I had to solicit some outside help,

and heaven dealt me a winning hand.

Yeah, me.

Because I looked like somebody that China Doll was once in love with.

Right.

And now, Mr. Wasey, I don't want to miss my boat.

Will you kindly hand over that ticket that I gave you?

I earned that ticket. Hand it over.

Thank you. And now move. Go on, both of you. Move.

Now, Jack, in your box.

You, too, Jill.

I can't. My skirt's too tight.

Get in.

Come on... Get in!

Faraday, just one thing. Was there ever any opium?

Sure. Just like I told you. 1,100 pounds.

One day some lucky sap will find it.

See you in church, suckers.

WASEY: Goddamn phony missionary con artist.

TATLOCK: Stop swearing and get us out of this!

Well, you're the expert on picking locks.

Okay. How's this?

Damn!

Jiggle your crate, it'll fall out.

(GRUNTING)

Maybe I can knock it free.

(BOTH SHOUTING)

TATLOCK: Of all the incompetent, irresponsible, mindless things to do!

And I'm still stuck in here! Somebody get me out of here!

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Burns.

You're not Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns just took... Well, see, he wasn't really...

You're Mr. Burns.

And you must be Miss Tatlock.

I was told you'd be here when I returned from the mission in Peking.

We're expecting great things of you.

Yeah, well, give me half an hour and you won't be disappointed.

WASEY: Hey!

Broken every bone in my body.

You... You know, Miss Tatlock, The Helping Hand is opposed to these Eastern practices.

Don't knock it till you've tried it, pal.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(HUMMING)

Wait! What's the matter?

He's got a gun.

You two must be related to Houdini.

Don't come any closer.

You're very welcome to those little baubles.

Really. I'm happy for you to have them.

Except I doubt if they'd cover the price of a Chinese dinner.

Don't listen to him. He's trying to trick us.

We've all been tricked.

You know how tough diamonds are supposed to be?

Allow me.

You have to hand it to China Doll.

It's the third time she's outfoxed me.

First she gets me to steal the damn things,

then she leaves me to Mei Gan,

and now she heads for the hills a rich lady,

and leaves me with this bag of rubbish.

But I've always been a pushover

for somebody who beat me at my own game.

Your turn.

It's very therapeutic.

Rid you of a lot of frustration.

Look, kids,

it's finished here in Shanghai.

Party's over. It's time to pack up and go home.

There's plenty of room. We could all bunk together.

Well, maybe he's right. What do you think?

If you think you're still going to find that opium, forget it.

Faraday's flowers are just a wilted memory.

Perhaps I'll stay on here a while.

And do what?

I could give being a missionary a try.

You mean no drinking, no gambling, no whoring?

My boy, I've tried it. It's hell on earth.

(MAN SHOUTING IN MANDARIN)

Ah, the last call.

I better be going.

I hope you make a killing on your ties.

Miss Tatlock.

From now on, I'm gonna try like hell to live up to my obligations.

But I'll never be as good at it as you.

Goodbye, Glendon.

My boy, you made the right decision.

She's a nice girl, but who needs nice girls?

Now, I'm going to finish my shave, take a shower,

then we'll break open that bottle of bubbly.

She's right, you know.

You're gonna make a killing with those crates.

What with my connections in LA, you're gonna be a rich man.

Do you hear me?

I said you're gonna be rich.

Yeah, I heard you.

(SOMEPLACE ELSE PLAYING)

* You got into my life

* I don't know how you found me

* But you did

* It stopped me heading someplace else

* Took me a while to say

I'm getting off. There are three trunks in there.

Get some help and bring them up.

* But now I'm saddened like I've never been

* Regretting that we'll leave

* So for a while could you comfort me

* And hold me for some time

* I need you now to be beside me

Tatlock!

Tatlock! Tatlock!

Tatlock!

* Empty faces

Move! Move, move!

* Wish I could leave them all

* In someplace else

What made you decide to stay?

I never got your first name.

It's Gloria.

Come here, Gloria Tatlock.

Stop the boat! Somebody, stop the boat!

Will you stop this boat?

Hey, hey, I am sorry, but this boat don't stop until we reach Honolulu.

(YELLING)

What is he doing?

Glendon?

Maybe he's just upset 'cause I didn't say goodbye.

(FARADAY SHOUTING)

(THUDDING)

God damn it.

A wilted memory, huh?

Son-of-a-bitch.

Gloria,

if I were you I would wave and blow him a big kiss.

I will not. He's an evil, horrible man.

Wave anyway. That evil, horrible man

just sent you the best bouquet a girl could ever want.

(LAUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

Wave, Gloria!

(LAUGHING)

(SHANGHAI SURPRISE PLAYING)

* I don't understand how I got delayed

* I should be sailing today on a liner

* Was kicked in the ass on a dock at Yangtze

* It's no way for a man to see China

* But I'm ready

* You must be crazy * Crazy

* And you got no money * Money

* But you're a trier

* My straits are dire from the wok into the fire

* I'd like to meet you but I've broken my chopstick

* Sometimes there's no hope in

* In chasing promises

* I'd wanna love you

* Though it could prove to be unwise

* Shanghai surprise

* Whatever you're saying, I want it anyway in

* Been hanging 'round for a ride on your rickshaw

* Oh, babe

* You may correct me, now that you've inspected me

* Come over here

* Let me feel you cut down to size

* Oh, Shanghai surprise

* My straits are dire from the wok into the fire

* I'd like to know you but I'm not really social

* Sometimes it's no joke, can't cope with opium

* I'd like to love you

* But I'm not sure what's in your eyes

* Shanghai surprise

* Shanghai surprise