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When I was younger, I didn't get out much.
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Ta-da!
3
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Thank you! Thank you.
4
00:00:12,789 --> 00:00:15,590
Oh, that's so sweet.
Gizmo, you're too kind.
5
00:00:15,592 --> 00:00:17,293
So when Corynn McWatters,
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00:00:17,295 --> 00:00:18,896
the most popular girl in school,
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invited me, the most butt girl in school,
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to her super exclusive
V.I.P.-only slumber party...
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I should've known something was up.
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00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,715
That morning, I woke up looking like
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a jacked up version of Annie.
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00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:36,808
And honestly, not much has changed.
13
00:00:36,811 --> 00:00:39,713
Well, that's not true.
One thing has changed...
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00:00:39,715 --> 00:00:41,784
now I know how to work it.
15
00:00:41,885 --> 00:00:43,653
First, there's face prep,
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00:00:43,655 --> 00:00:45,722
featuring Jessica's cleansing wipes
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00:00:45,724 --> 00:00:48,126
and Drew's toning wipes.
18
00:00:48,128 --> 00:00:49,996
Then I reverse my bedhead...
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00:00:51,766 --> 00:00:53,967
And find my "Hairspiration."
20
00:00:53,969 --> 00:00:57,672
Clear waves, full spiral, can't lose.
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00:00:57,675 --> 00:00:59,876
Finally, I put my face on
using Kim's primer veil,
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which was recently militarized.
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All in all, it takes me roughly three hours
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00:01:04,685 --> 00:01:05,952
to look alpha, not beta.
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00:01:05,954 --> 00:01:07,888
But it was worth it,
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00:01:07,890 --> 00:01:11,126
'cause I was gonna floss at
the "Women in Pharma" brunch.
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Dang!
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I missed it.
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Now the only thing left to hope for
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was that Henry wouldn't notice.
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Morning, Eliza.
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If you wanna go by
unnoticed, you might wanna try
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a milder fragrance with
fewer notes of cotton candy.
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You noticed!
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As did the entire left wing of this office.
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How was the "Women in Pharma" brunch
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00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,893
- this morning?
- Mm...
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It was really...
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- Informative.
- Hmm.
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And, like... like, empowering.
41
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And it totally felt like I
was holding up half the sky.
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- Huh.
- And... and...
43
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and "how brave," you know?
44
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And... and also? Equal pay!
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Because beside every
strong pharmaceutical man...
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I know you didn't go.
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Eliza, you missed out on
an incredible opportunity
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to meet other women in your field,
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seasoned vets who could've
provided valuable insight,
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one of whom could've served
as a future role model for you.
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00:02:05,896 --> 00:02:07,063
I thought you were my role model.
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00:02:07,065 --> 00:02:08,299
Me? No, no, no.
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00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,468
Mentor, possibly. Advisor, certainly.
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00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:12,237
- Sensei?
- Of sorts.
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- Elder.
- Okay, we're done playing this game.
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"Point bees," I'm not your role model.
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A role model is someone
whose life you aspire to.
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Do you want my life?
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00:02:21,819 --> 00:02:23,920
- M'kay.
- No, no.
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00:02:23,922 --> 00:02:25,990
Not... not "m'kay."
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00:02:25,992 --> 00:02:28,060
This is something you should
be thinking seriously about.
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00:02:28,062 --> 00:02:31,831
You should find someone
whose path you wanna walk.
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00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:33,335
For instance, since...
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00:02:33,337 --> 00:02:35,806
since childhood...
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00:02:37,877 --> 00:02:40,078
My role model has been...
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00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,247
Dave Thomas.
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00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:43,749
Isn't he the hamburglar?
68
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No. Dave was the perfect role model for me
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because he started from the bottom.
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Now he here
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00:02:50,127 --> 00:02:52,195
Started from the bottom,
now the whole team...
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00:02:52,197 --> 00:02:53,397
If you'll quiet yourself,
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there is a quote in here
about Colonel Sanders...
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Mm.
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00:02:57,739 --> 00:03:00,240
Basically got me through sophomore year.
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00:03:00,242 --> 00:03:01,776
Um...
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00:03:01,778 --> 00:03:03,412
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
78
00:03:03,413 --> 00:03:05,981
Were you a skater boy?
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00:03:05,984 --> 00:03:08,820
As a youth, I thrashed,
80
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,457
enjoyed the occasional kickflip,
ollied about periodically.
81
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:14,060
Wow. You even make skate
culture sound boring.
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00:03:14,062 --> 00:03:17,231
Okay, Henry, I'll report back
when I find a female role model.
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00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:19,535
And since I wasn't sure
whose life I wanted,
84
00:03:19,537 --> 00:03:20,838
I decided to start with someone
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00:03:20,839 --> 00:03:22,272
who, judging from her frown lines,
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00:03:22,274 --> 00:03:24,776
had a crapload of life experience.
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00:03:24,778 --> 00:03:26,412
Joan.
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00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:29,182
As someone who is way older than me,
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you've had a pretty good life, right?
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00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:32,521
It's been adequate.
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00:03:32,523 --> 00:03:34,524
And what advice would you
give someone hoping to attain
92
00:03:34,526 --> 00:03:36,495
the lifestyle you are currently living?
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00:03:38,866 --> 00:03:40,867
You can never have too much bath tissue.
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00:03:40,868 --> 00:03:43,937
So it wasn't gonna be Joan.
95
00:03:44,907 --> 00:03:46,508
Charmonique?
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00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:49,178
How would you like to be a model?
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00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:51,181
Mm, been there, done that.
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00:03:51,183 --> 00:03:52,783
Seriously?
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00:03:52,785 --> 00:03:53,919
Mm-hmm. I worked my way through college
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00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,054
as a hand model for stock photos.
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00:03:56,056 --> 00:03:59,326
Don't believe me? Google
"Racial equality hands."
102
00:04:01,932 --> 00:04:03,966
This baby girl right here
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00:04:03,968 --> 00:04:07,137
has graced some of the
finest brochures, leaflets,
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00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:09,841
and prints ads in... America.
105
00:04:09,844 --> 00:04:11,077
May I?
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00:04:11,078 --> 00:04:13,046
Please.
107
00:04:13,048 --> 00:04:15,850
Ahh! It's like silk!
108
00:04:15,852 --> 00:04:16,952
Mm-hmm.
109
00:04:16,954 --> 00:04:19,088
You are the perfect
choice to be my role model!
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00:04:19,090 --> 00:04:20,457
Mnh-mnh. Pass.
111
00:04:20,458 --> 00:04:21,825
But you're an inspiration to me.
112
00:04:21,827 --> 00:04:23,295
And I wanna be just like you.
113
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,831
Everybody does, but they can't.
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00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:29,036
You can't just wake up one day,
decide to become Charmonique,
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and then just magically be her. Unh-unh!
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- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Hello.
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00:04:54,942 --> 00:04:57,243
What are you doing standing
right outside the men's room?
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Waiting for you.
120
00:04:58,514 --> 00:05:00,215
Well, I really wish you wouldn't ambush me.
121
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,051
Okay, Henry, sure. No problem.
122
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,453
I can do you that favor,
123
00:05:03,455 --> 00:05:07,358
just as long as you do a
small favor for me in return.
124
00:05:07,361 --> 00:05:08,861
Okay.
125
00:05:08,862 --> 00:05:12,131
So you know how I've been trying
to get Kevin to be more active
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00:05:12,134 --> 00:05:15,336
after he's been diagnosed
as prehypertensive?
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00:05:15,338 --> 00:05:16,939
I did not know that.
128
00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:20,043
Who knew a nugget-based
diet could be so harmful?
129
00:05:20,046 --> 00:05:21,847
Everyone, yeah.
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00:05:21,848 --> 00:05:25,217
Dietarily, it's always the
thing you'd least expect.
131
00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:27,955
- First thing I'd expect.
- And yet, the kid has to eat.
132
00:05:27,957 --> 00:05:29,090
Anywho...
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00:05:29,092 --> 00:05:30,426
Kevin has taken an
interest in skateboarding.
134
00:05:30,427 --> 00:05:33,362
And Eliza told me that you
used to be a wood pusher.
135
00:05:33,365 --> 00:05:34,799
- Mm-hmm.
- So I thought maybe...
136
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,034
You could teach him.
137
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,870
Hmm. No. Absolutely not.
138
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,072
Charmonique, sorry to disappoint you,
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00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:40,573
but I have a lot of work to do.
140
00:05:40,575 --> 00:05:43,444
She also told me how passionately you feel
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00:05:43,446 --> 00:05:46,081
about the importance of role models.
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00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:49,485
And who needs a role model more
than a hypertense 10-year-old
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00:05:49,488 --> 00:05:51,990
with sleep apnea and no male presence?
144
00:05:51,992 --> 00:05:54,293
Okay. Fine. Fine. I will
teach him a few things.
145
00:05:54,295 --> 00:05:56,530
But this will not be
an everyday occurrence.
146
00:05:56,532 --> 00:05:58,566
Okay, I gotcha. I gotcha.
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00:05:58,568 --> 00:06:01,937
Just once in a blue moon...
like his real father.
148
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:03,207
Don't put that on me, Charmonique!
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00:06:03,208 --> 00:06:05,143
It is what it is.
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00:06:08,148 --> 00:06:10,950
I was beginning to give up hope
of ever finding a role model,
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00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:12,487
until I remembered I did use to have one...
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Alpha bitch...
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00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:15,458
Corynn McWatters.
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00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,893
Back in the day,
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00:06:16,894 --> 00:06:18,829
Corynn was smoking hot
and insanely popular.
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00:06:18,831 --> 00:06:21,833
But judging by Lindsay Lohan,
Debbie Gibson, and J.T.T.,
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00:06:21,836 --> 00:06:24,404
teenage popularity does not age well.
158
00:06:24,406 --> 00:06:27,308
And I was guessing Corynn
would be no different.
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00:06:27,310 --> 00:06:29,311
Oh, my God! She's...
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00:06:29,313 --> 00:06:30,880
Not exactly what I had in mind.
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00:06:30,882 --> 00:06:33,350
But why? Why?
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00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:34,519
- Look. Look.
- Yeah?
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00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,054
She renovated a farmhouse in Provence
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with her award-winning
nature photographer husband.
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She's got two adorable kids
who model part-time for J. Crew.
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00:06:41,264 --> 00:06:43,398
She's friends with the Barefoot Contessa.
167
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,002
And oh, my God. She knows how
to make mussels. Mussels, Henry.
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00:06:46,004 --> 00:06:47,505
Is it really that hard to make mussels?
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00:06:47,506 --> 00:06:48,573
Don't you just boil them?
170
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,144
If it's so easy, why don't you make some?
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Hmm? Go ahead. Where they at?
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00:06:54,350 --> 00:06:57,185
Where the mussels at, Henry? Huh? Huh?
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00:06:57,187 --> 00:06:58,988
Where the mussels at?
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Eliza, this person terrorized
you in middle school,
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00:07:01,026 --> 00:07:02,360
elected you "most butt,"
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00:07:02,361 --> 00:07:04,362
and, in your own words,
"made you feel more disgusting
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00:07:04,364 --> 00:07:07,099
than Mary-Kate's old French boyfriend."
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00:07:07,101 --> 00:07:08,902
I'm sorry. I just don't think
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00:07:08,904 --> 00:07:11,172
Corynn McWatters is the
right role model for you.
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00:07:11,174 --> 00:07:14,009
The old Corynn wasn't. But
look, look, look, look, look.
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00:07:14,011 --> 00:07:15,511
Not only is she a published author,
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00:07:15,513 --> 00:07:19,016
but she also has a
goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy,
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00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:21,587
and I want a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy.
184
00:07:21,589 --> 00:07:24,858
Oh, my God! Oh, look at Hugh Dancy.
185
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:28,030
Who's a good Hugh Dancy?
Who's a good, good Hugh Dancy?
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00:07:30,235 --> 00:07:32,203
All right, let's get a hold of ourselves.
187
00:07:32,205 --> 00:07:35,907
Her Instagram is curated
within an inch of its life.
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00:07:35,909 --> 00:07:38,911
You of all people should know
how easy it is to fake perfection.
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00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:40,915
Yes, except she's not faking. I checked.
190
00:07:40,917 --> 00:07:43,052
No heavy filter usage.
191
00:07:43,054 --> 00:07:44,287
No suss cropping... this is a low angle.
192
00:07:44,288 --> 00:07:46,056
If she had chins, we'd be seeing them.
193
00:07:46,058 --> 00:07:47,892
Isn't there some chin removing app
194
00:07:47,894 --> 00:07:49,228
that you're unaware of?
195
00:07:49,230 --> 00:07:51,631
Um, hello. Eliza Dooley.
196
00:07:51,633 --> 00:07:53,033
It's a pleasure to meet you.
197
00:07:53,034 --> 00:07:54,969
There are no apps I am unaware of.
198
00:07:54,971 --> 00:07:56,104
Who do you think you're talking to, Henry?
199
00:07:56,106 --> 00:07:57,540
Some newborn Instagram baby?
200
00:07:57,541 --> 00:08:00,343
Look, Corynn is having
a book reading tonight.
201
00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:01,914
Just come with me and see for yourself.
202
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,518
You think Hugh Dancy will be there?
203
00:08:07,057 --> 00:08:08,324
When you take a surf lesson,
204
00:08:08,325 --> 00:08:10,560
you don't just jump right
in the ocean, do you?
205
00:08:12,462 --> 00:08:14,017
No. You don't.
206
00:08:14,019 --> 00:08:17,121
Hey, hey! Henry, do not yell at him.
207
00:08:17,123 --> 00:08:18,757
His blood pressure.
208
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:21,227
I wasn't yelling. I was
just trying to make a p...
209
00:08:21,229 --> 00:08:23,597
let's move on.
210
00:08:23,599 --> 00:08:25,100
Now when approaching a skateboard,
211
00:08:25,102 --> 00:08:26,802
one must always be mindful...
212
00:08:26,804 --> 00:08:28,805
Yes, Kevin? What is it?
213
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:30,908
I have no agilities.
214
00:08:30,909 --> 00:08:32,343
That's true. He doesn't.
215
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,913
Fortunately, one needn't be agile to skate.
216
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:37,250
However, one must be knowledgeable.
217
00:08:37,252 --> 00:08:40,054
So we begin in 1972.
218
00:08:40,057 --> 00:08:42,058
A man by the name of Frank Nasworthy
219
00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:44,795
has just invented the polyurethane wheel...
220
00:08:44,797 --> 00:08:47,265
... under the crushing grip
of the infamous plywood lobby,
221
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:49,935
which brings us to 1951.
222
00:08:49,937 --> 00:08:52,806
1951?! We moving backwards?
223
00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:54,108
Boards were plentiful, sure.
224
00:08:54,110 --> 00:08:55,811
But none with wheels.
225
00:08:55,813 --> 00:08:58,948
Do you mind? We're in
the middle of a lesson.
226
00:08:58,950 --> 00:09:00,685
A lesson about what?
227
00:09:00,687 --> 00:09:01,953
About skateboarding.
228
00:09:01,955 --> 00:09:04,757
You want a lesson from a non-poseur?
229
00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:06,895
- Come by the skate park.
- No doubt.
230
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,233
Non-poseur?
231
00:09:11,235 --> 00:09:13,370
Who is a... are you s...
232
00:09:13,372 --> 00:09:14,739
Henry wasn't the only one
233
00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:16,974
confronting a childhood insecurity.
234
00:09:16,976 --> 00:09:19,978
I was about to meet
mine at her book signing.
235
00:09:19,981 --> 00:09:23,751
And even though Corynn
wasn't the perfect role model,
236
00:09:23,754 --> 00:09:25,289
she had to be better than that slut.
237
00:09:31,765 --> 00:09:34,800
If she had work done... and
I'm not saying she did...
238
00:09:34,803 --> 00:09:36,704
you can bet your ass it
was some top-shelf new-new
239
00:09:36,705 --> 00:09:37,940
probably done in Dubai.
240
00:09:41,713 --> 00:09:43,380
Enchant?e, everyone.
241
00:09:43,381 --> 00:09:45,649
Thank you so much for being here.
242
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:49,652
This book, "La Bonne Table:
Recipes, memories, et moi,"
243
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:53,294
was a real labor of love for me...
244
00:09:53,296 --> 00:09:55,331
emphasis on the labor.
245
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,334
Corynn.
246
00:09:57,336 --> 00:09:58,669
A lot of the inspiration for the book
247
00:09:58,670 --> 00:10:00,404
came from my childhood.
248
00:10:00,406 --> 00:10:01,740
I grew up with her.
249
00:10:01,742 --> 00:10:03,777
Not that it was easy.
250
00:10:03,779 --> 00:10:05,679
I was a total nerd.
251
00:10:05,681 --> 00:10:07,282
No friends.
252
00:10:07,283 --> 00:10:10,085
The kids at school even
voted me "most butt."
253
00:10:10,088 --> 00:10:11,722
What?!
254
00:10:11,723 --> 00:10:14,958
I was "most butt"! She was "most popular"!
255
00:10:14,961 --> 00:10:16,829
Once had a sleepover.
256
00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:18,732
The popular girls cut off my hair.
257
00:10:18,734 --> 00:10:21,269
You! Oh! I cried and cried.
258
00:10:21,271 --> 00:10:23,806
The only thing that could comfort me
259
00:10:23,808 --> 00:10:26,810
was my maman's French onion soup.
260
00:10:26,812 --> 00:10:28,279
Page 29.
261
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:30,148
- That was my story.
- Cook onion...
262
00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:31,851
Expect for the soup part.
263
00:10:31,853 --> 00:10:34,388
As I recall, I pity-binged on
SnackWell's and Crystal Pepsi.
264
00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:36,825
But other than that, can you believe this?!
265
00:10:36,827 --> 00:10:38,862
Huh?! That bitch stole my life!
266
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,803
Merci. Merci beaucoup.
267
00:10:45,806 --> 00:10:48,708
And now I'd like to open it
up for all of your questions.
268
00:10:48,710 --> 00:10:50,110
Ms. McWatters,
269
00:10:50,112 --> 00:10:51,847
I'd like to ask about the time...
270
00:10:51,849 --> 00:10:53,716
Yeah. I have a question, Corynn.
271
00:10:53,717 --> 00:10:56,719
What does it feel like
to be a big fat liar?!
272
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:59,824
For starters, I'm certainly not fat.
273
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,361
Hey! You heard me! Liar!
274
00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:04,097
- Eliza!
- You still look super hot.
275
00:11:04,099 --> 00:11:06,801
Do you remember me?
276
00:11:06,803 --> 00:11:08,770
Security!
277
00:11:08,772 --> 00:11:10,673
- I got her! She's mine! I got her!
- Get away from me!
278
00:11:10,675 --> 00:11:13,377
Just get out of my way! Corynn...
279
00:11:13,379 --> 00:11:15,213
If you were voted "most butt,"
280
00:11:15,215 --> 00:11:17,283
then who was voted "most popular," huh? Me?
281
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,852
Come on, Corynn. I really wanna know.
282
00:11:18,854 --> 00:11:20,122
- Huh? Aah!
- Yeah!
283
00:11:21,758 --> 00:11:24,760
Those are my stories! I'm Corynn McWatters!
284
00:11:24,763 --> 00:11:26,764
Uhh! I'm Corynn!
285
00:11:26,766 --> 00:11:27,900
Oh.
286
00:11:27,901 --> 00:11:30,836
The second she walks
out, I'm gonna jump her.
287
00:11:30,838 --> 00:11:32,272
I'm gonna jump her! You can't stop me!
288
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,841
She's not jumping anyone, sir.
289
00:11:33,843 --> 00:11:36,711
As long she doesn't jump
her inside the store,
290
00:11:36,713 --> 00:11:37,880
we're good.
291
00:11:37,882 --> 00:11:39,883
You are a grown woman.
You are not jumping anyone.
292
00:11:39,885 --> 00:11:41,352
Corynn is a lying monster!
293
00:11:41,353 --> 00:11:44,122
Which is exactly why I said
she's not a good role model.
294
00:11:44,124 --> 00:11:45,691
This is consistent
295
00:11:45,693 --> 00:11:46,860
with everything you've told me about her.
296
00:11:46,862 --> 00:11:48,229
I can't fathom why you're so surprised.
297
00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:50,765
Henry, I don't need you to
be right right now, okay?
298
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,301
Okay.
299
00:11:52,303 --> 00:11:54,037
Corynn has taught me
300
00:11:54,039 --> 00:11:56,206
that everything about myself is wrong...
301
00:11:56,208 --> 00:11:57,742
the way I walked,
302
00:11:57,744 --> 00:11:59,979
the way I talked,
303
00:11:59,981 --> 00:12:01,448
the way I dressed.
304
00:12:01,449 --> 00:12:03,884
And I... I worked really hard
305
00:12:03,886 --> 00:12:05,486
to change that person.
306
00:12:05,488 --> 00:12:09,325
To not be that person.
307
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:13,031
And then she... she stole that person.
308
00:12:20,877 --> 00:12:22,111
When you're young,
309
00:12:22,113 --> 00:12:24,848
everybody pretends to
be something they're not.
310
00:12:24,850 --> 00:12:27,820
I used to tell people
my dad invented velcro.
311
00:12:29,223 --> 00:12:31,324
I used to tell people I
was good at skateboarding
312
00:12:31,326 --> 00:12:33,828
even though I wasn't.
313
00:12:33,830 --> 00:12:35,298
I thought it made me seem cool.
314
00:12:37,102 --> 00:12:38,836
You're not cool.
315
00:12:38,837 --> 00:12:40,871
No.
316
00:12:40,873 --> 00:12:42,341
I never was.
317
00:12:45,313 --> 00:12:47,448
But she is.
318
00:12:52,212 --> 00:12:54,581
It's open!
319
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:57,519
It's open?
320
00:12:58,688 --> 00:12:59,855
I really wish you wouldn't do that.
321
00:12:59,857 --> 00:13:01,224
Somebody could come right in here.
322
00:13:01,226 --> 00:13:02,593
There's nothing anyone can take
323
00:13:02,594 --> 00:13:05,329
that hasn't already been
taken by Corynn McWatters.
324
00:13:05,331 --> 00:13:07,866
Expect for this Crystal
Pepsi that I bought on eBay.
325
00:13:07,869 --> 00:13:09,603
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
326
00:13:09,604 --> 00:13:11,938
I know, right? It only cost $80.
327
00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:15,376
$80? All right, we're...
we're gonna come back to that.
328
00:13:15,379 --> 00:13:17,413
Eliza, I can't believe you're
letting Corynn McWatters
329
00:13:17,415 --> 00:13:18,682
get away with this.
330
00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:21,819
What am I supposed to do?
She's Corynn McWatters.
331
00:13:21,822 --> 00:13:23,656
And you're Eliza Dooley.
332
00:13:23,658 --> 00:13:25,225
Hey.
333
00:13:25,226 --> 00:13:26,627
You are the same girl
334
00:13:26,629 --> 00:13:28,196
who gave Ryan Gosling's cousin a lap dance
335
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:29,465
at a house party in Encino.
336
00:13:29,466 --> 00:13:31,200
Or was that some other Eliza Dooley?
337
00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,703
No. That was me.
338
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,706
I... I imagine that required
a fair amount of bravery
339
00:13:35,708 --> 00:13:37,342
- on your part.
- Oh.
340
00:13:37,344 --> 00:13:39,779
It did. There was no music on.
341
00:13:39,781 --> 00:13:42,249
Okay, then. Where's that girl?
342
00:13:42,251 --> 00:13:44,553
Right here.
343
00:13:44,555 --> 00:13:45,621
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
344
00:13:45,623 --> 00:13:47,224
Whoo! Yeah!
345
00:13:47,225 --> 00:13:49,293
- Whoo!
- Okay.
346
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:51,763
This is... okay. All right. All... okay.
347
00:13:51,766 --> 00:13:53,567
Your leg is...
348
00:13:53,568 --> 00:13:55,769
I don't want you to give me a lap dance.
349
00:13:55,771 --> 00:13:58,272
I want you to stop
feeling sorry for yourself
350
00:13:58,275 --> 00:13:59,776
and start standing up for yourself.
351
00:13:59,777 --> 00:14:01,444
You have a lot to be proud of.
352
00:14:01,446 --> 00:14:03,514
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
353
00:14:03,516 --> 00:14:06,886
I also dry humped Macklemore.
354
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,923
After a good night's sleep
355
00:14:09,925 --> 00:14:11,259
and some extra strength Tylenol,
356
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,794
I decided to approach Corynn
357
00:14:12,796 --> 00:14:15,297
and have a calm, rational
conversation about
358
00:14:15,299 --> 00:14:17,467
what a trifling-ass bitch she was.
359
00:14:17,469 --> 00:14:19,604
Okay, I want a fair fight. Okay.
360
00:14:19,606 --> 00:14:21,340
Her kids are nearby, so
nothing below the belt. Go.
361
00:14:21,342 --> 00:14:22,942
Hi, Corynn.
362
00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:24,345
Remember me?
363
00:14:24,346 --> 00:14:25,779
Aren't you the crazy woman
364
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,983
who was escorted out of
my reading last night?
365
00:14:27,985 --> 00:14:30,353
Yes, she is. Sorry.
366
00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:33,257
But I'm also Eliza.
367
00:14:34,594 --> 00:14:36,463
Eliza Dooley.
368
00:14:37,866 --> 00:14:39,767
"Most butt."
369
00:14:39,768 --> 00:14:42,803
Eliza? Wow.
370
00:14:42,806 --> 00:14:44,240
I haven't said this
since I became a mother,
371
00:14:44,241 --> 00:14:47,610
but holy [Bleep] [Bleep], you look amazing.
372
00:14:47,613 --> 00:14:49,314
I know.
373
00:14:49,316 --> 00:14:50,583
You're like a totally different person.
374
00:14:50,584 --> 00:14:52,451
No, you are a totally different person.
375
00:14:52,453 --> 00:14:53,820
Specifically, my person.
376
00:14:53,822 --> 00:14:56,357
More specifically, the person I used to be.
377
00:14:56,359 --> 00:14:59,028
To be, uh, super specific,
you stole her identity.
378
00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:00,397
Which, depending on the state,
379
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,966
is anything from a first-degree felony
380
00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:03,268
to a third-degree misdemeanor.
381
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:05,337
So kiss your kids goodbye, Corynn.
382
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:06,906
You're going to prison.
383
00:15:06,908 --> 00:15:09,410
She's... she's not going to prison.
384
00:15:09,412 --> 00:15:12,280
That's a different kind of identity theft.
385
00:15:12,282 --> 00:15:14,316
She was never that bright.
386
00:15:14,318 --> 00:15:15,852
This was a really bad idea.
387
00:15:15,854 --> 00:15:17,422
Let's just get out of here.
388
00:15:17,424 --> 00:15:18,857
No, no. Eliza...
389
00:15:18,858 --> 00:15:20,793
I'm sorry I stole
390
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:24,531
your sad-sack, "most butt" nonexistence.
391
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:25,867
Apology accepted. Thanks, Corynn.
392
00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:29,438
But I just need that
backstory more than you do.
393
00:15:29,441 --> 00:15:32,876
No one wants life lessons
and dinner planning ideas
394
00:15:32,879 --> 00:15:35,381
from a still-gorgeous former mean girl.
395
00:15:35,383 --> 00:15:37,452
Former mean girl?
396
00:15:39,254 --> 00:15:41,756
You just burned Corynn McWatters!
397
00:15:41,759 --> 00:15:43,728
Now you try. Ah...
398
00:15:45,397 --> 00:15:47,631
Hey, Corynn,
399
00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:49,000
your quick-and-easy
dinner ideas
400
00:15:49,002 --> 00:15:50,803
are neither quick nor easy.
401
00:15:50,805 --> 00:15:52,372
I tried to make one last night,
402
00:15:52,373 --> 00:15:56,377
and it took me forever
and it tasted like crap.
403
00:15:59,351 --> 00:16:02,353
That's more of a burn on you,
but really good try! Yeah!
404
00:16:02,355 --> 00:16:05,791
I did it. I handled Corynn McWatters.
405
00:16:05,794 --> 00:16:09,396
And now there was something
Henry needed to do.
406
00:16:09,398 --> 00:16:10,932
One...
407
00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:11,968
Whoo!
408
00:16:11,969 --> 00:16:13,504
Two...
409
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,307
Whoo! Yeah!
410
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,609
Two...
411
00:16:17,611 --> 00:16:19,411
Do it, bro!
412
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:21,348
Just drop in! Whoo!
413
00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:23,284
- Whoo!
- Yeah. Come on. Do it.
414
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:24,486
What if I die?
415
00:16:24,487 --> 00:16:27,322
- What if you live?
- Yeah.
416
00:16:27,324 --> 00:16:29,794
Right. Yeah.
417
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,967
Whoo!
418
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,304
No. Didn't work.
419
00:16:37,306 --> 00:16:41,042
Okay, on the count of three,
I'm... I'm just gonna run up
420
00:16:41,045 --> 00:16:42,546
and I'm gonna push you in, okay?
421
00:16:42,547 --> 00:16:44,781
- No, you can't do that!
- Push him! Ride or die!
422
00:16:44,783 --> 00:16:47,285
- Yeah!
- No!
423
00:16:47,287 --> 00:16:49,054
One!
424
00:16:49,056 --> 00:16:50,723
- Come on!
- Two!
425
00:16:50,725 --> 00:16:51,992
Three!
426
00:16:51,994 --> 00:16:53,962
Oh, God!
427
00:16:53,963 --> 00:16:56,599
Oh, my God! Henry!
428
00:16:58,804 --> 00:17:02,040
I did it!
429
00:17:02,042 --> 00:17:05,511
I think I broke every bone in my body.
430
00:17:05,514 --> 00:17:09,350
Hey, somebody get me a frosty!
431
00:17:09,352 --> 00:17:12,387
I was proud of Henry, and
it seemed like everyone
432
00:17:12,390 --> 00:17:13,991
was traveling outside
of their comfort zone.
433
00:17:13,993 --> 00:17:16,528
Linda, is that a French braid?
434
00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:20,833
Yeah. I decided to try something different.
435
00:17:20,836 --> 00:17:23,371
I just find her so incredibly inspiring.
436
00:17:23,373 --> 00:17:26,408
Apparently, she comes from
a very ugly background,
437
00:17:26,410 --> 00:17:29,613
and she overcame all of that
to be hot and successful.
438
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,949
Did you read it?
439
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,054
Read it? Hell, I practically wrote it.
440
00:17:37,393 --> 00:17:38,460
I didn't need to search the world
441
00:17:38,462 --> 00:17:39,862
for a positive female role model
442
00:17:39,863 --> 00:17:42,466
with a more robust hairline
than Madeleine Albright.
443
00:17:44,638 --> 00:17:46,539
I already had one.
444
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,911
13-year-old me would
have never believed it.
445
00:17:50,913 --> 00:17:52,480
I had surpassed expectations
446
00:17:52,482 --> 00:17:55,450
and grown up to have a hot
boyfriend and a cool job.
447
00:17:55,452 --> 00:17:57,420
13-year-old me would
be really proud.
448
00:17:57,422 --> 00:18:00,424
And now it was time
to show 13-year-old me
449
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:03,430
that I was proud of her, too.
450
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:28,566
Yeah.
451
00:18:28,568 --> 00:18:31,338
Yes!
452
00:18:33,041 --> 00:18:36,578
Whoo!
453
00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:41,517
What... what the hell, baby?
454
00:18:41,519 --> 00:18:43,587
Do you like it?
455
00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:46,692
You're crazy.
456
00:18:47,895 --> 00:18:49,396
Is that you?
457
00:18:49,398 --> 00:18:50,665
Hey.
458
00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:51,867
It's not funny. It's not.
459
00:18:51,868 --> 00:18:55,537
Oh, come on. It's... it's a little funny.
460
00:18:55,540 --> 00:18:58,810
Yeah, maybe it's a little funny.
461
00:19:01,416 --> 00:19:04,451
What's her deal, huh?
462
00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:05,887
What's she into?
463
00:19:05,889 --> 00:19:09,392
I don't know.
464
00:19:09,394 --> 00:19:11,561
New Kids on the Block and... Furby.
465
00:19:11,563 --> 00:19:12,830
Yeah?
466
00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:14,566
Well...
467
00:19:14,568 --> 00:19:17,971
Think she might like a cute boy
to take her to concert sometime?
468
00:19:17,973 --> 00:19:21,973
I think she would literally crap her pants.
469
00:19:22,679 --> 00:19:24,081
Then tell her to bring a change of pants.
470
00:19:31,392 --> 00:19:32,759
That night, I dreamt about
471
00:19:32,761 --> 00:19:34,529
next year's "Women in Pharma" brunch,
472
00:19:34,531 --> 00:19:37,733
which I would def be at.
473
00:19:37,735 --> 00:19:40,905
Because who knows how many
other women I could inspire?
474
00:19:44,478 --> 00:19:46,746
That's your new mantra.
475
00:19:46,748 --> 00:19:48,449
That's a good mantra.
476
00:19:48,451 --> 00:19:49,517
Where's your G.F.?
477
00:19:49,518 --> 00:19:53,555
Eliza? Oh, she's not
my G.F. She's just my F.
478
00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:55,559
You ever hook up with her?
479
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:57,462
No.
480
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,098
But I once saw her naked.
481
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,567
- All right!
- Yeah!
482
00:20:00,568 --> 00:20:02,001
Wait.
483
00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:03,971
You saw her naked but you
didn't hook up with her?
484
00:20:03,973 --> 00:20:06,374
What happened to "no fear"?
485
00:20:06,376 --> 00:20:08,011
That's before I had this.
486
00:21:29,097 --> 00:21:32,099
- Next time, I'll be ready.
- Yeah, right.
487
00:21:32,101 --> 00:21:33,436
Nice.
488
00:21:38,444 --> 00:21:40,846
Whoo.
489
00:21:49,585 --> 00:21:54,585
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490
00:21:54,635 --> 00:21:59,185
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