Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:10,726
Good morning.
2
00:00:10,727 --> 00:00:12,327
Henry rejected you.
3
00:00:14,163 --> 00:00:17,032
Eliza, it's
Eliza. Henry rejected you.
4
00:00:17,033 --> 00:00:19,167
Reminder Henry rejected you.
5
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,138
Henry had rejected me.
6
00:00:23,139 --> 00:00:24,273
It was true.
7
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,174
And the worst part was,
8
00:00:26,175 --> 00:00:27,743
I still had to see him every day.
9
00:00:27,744 --> 00:00:30,579
So, I decided to employ the
techniques of Corynn McWatters,
10
00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:32,047
ambassador of bitchface.
11
00:00:32,048 --> 00:00:34,149
As the most popular girl in 7th grade,
12
00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:37,119
Corynn handled anyone
who threatened her status.
13
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,420
So, instead of crying in the bathroom,
14
00:00:38,421 --> 00:00:40,155
I asked myself, "what would Corynn do?"
15
00:00:40,156 --> 00:00:43,158
Step one, pretend not to see
the individual in question.
16
00:00:49,998 --> 00:00:53,998
Step two, pretend not to hear
the individual in question.
17
00:00:53,999 --> 00:00:56,204
Ooh.
18
00:00:56,205 --> 00:00:57,606
Pardon me.
19
00:00:57,607 --> 00:00:59,341
What was that, Charlie?
20
00:00:59,342 --> 00:01:01,176
That was Henry who...
21
00:01:01,177 --> 00:01:03,111
Come again, Charlie?
22
00:01:03,112 --> 00:01:05,113
Um, I didn't... I didn't say anything.
23
00:01:05,114 --> 00:01:08,717
Oh, well. I must be
hearing things, Charlie.
24
00:01:10,586 --> 00:01:12,254
I think she's mad.
25
00:01:12,255 --> 00:01:14,556
You think?!
26
00:01:14,557 --> 00:01:16,391
And if steps one and two don't work,
27
00:01:16,392 --> 00:01:18,093
screw the junior-high-school tactics
28
00:01:18,094 --> 00:01:19,161
and "Gone Girl" his ass.
29
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,030
Oh, he stabbed me! He stabbed me!
30
00:01:22,031 --> 00:01:23,465
Are you out of your mind?
31
00:01:23,466 --> 00:01:25,000
That's what he wants you to think.
32
00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,234
Joan, check my diary!
33
00:01:28,605 --> 00:01:30,772
Okay, how
long do you two fools
34
00:01:30,773 --> 00:01:32,240
plan on keeping this up?
35
00:01:32,241 --> 00:01:35,077
In the words of the
prepubescent new edition,
36
00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:37,746
cool it now, please!
37
00:01:37,747 --> 00:01:39,681
No matter what went down,
38
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:42,117
I know the two of you
still care about each other.
39
00:01:48,123 --> 00:01:49,758
After you, Eliza.
40
00:01:52,293 --> 00:01:53,562
No, thanks! I'll walk!
41
00:01:54,564 --> 00:01:57,099
Oh, my God.
42
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,567
She snubbed me!
43
00:01:58,568 --> 00:01:59,601
Did you see that?
44
00:01:59,602 --> 00:02:01,570
She totally snubbed me, did she not?!
45
00:02:01,571 --> 00:02:03,305
It was a snub
46
00:02:03,306 --> 00:02:05,474
because according to Corynn McWatters,
47
00:02:05,475 --> 00:02:07,309
whoever caves first gets cankles,
48
00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:09,478
and I am not getting
cankles because of Henry.
49
00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:13,015
I'm trying to be
mature about this, you know?
50
00:02:13,016 --> 00:02:14,483
I'm trying to foster communication.
51
00:02:14,484 --> 00:02:16,151
I'm trying to make the best
52
00:02:16,152 --> 00:02:17,753
of an admittedly awkward situation.
53
00:02:19,121 --> 00:02:23,558
Well, from now on, Eliza Dooley
can clean up her own messes.
54
00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:33,502
Are you aware
that the building manager
55
00:02:33,503 --> 00:02:37,239
was banging on your door
for 45 minutes this morning?
56
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,475
He finally gave up and started
knocking on Bryn's door.
57
00:02:40,476 --> 00:02:42,077
It pretty much ruined
58
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:43,478
her "Breakfast at
Tiffany's" themed breakfast.
59
00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:45,587
That she has been planning for nine years.
60
00:02:45,588 --> 00:02:49,190
- Nine.
- I did not chignon my hair for this.
61
00:02:49,191 --> 00:02:51,192
You guys, this is not fair.
62
00:02:51,193 --> 00:02:53,895
Mr. Old Man is always picking on me.
63
00:02:53,896 --> 00:02:56,731
Maybe it's because you
call him Mr. Old Man.
64
00:02:56,732 --> 00:02:58,066
When it's Mr. Oldman.
65
00:02:58,067 --> 00:03:00,635
Or maybe it's because
you're personally responsible
66
00:03:00,636 --> 00:03:02,604
for all of the building's plumbing issues.
67
00:03:02,605 --> 00:03:03,571
It wasn't untrue.
68
00:03:03,572 --> 00:03:04,906
When I go out drinking,
69
00:03:04,907 --> 00:03:06,908
I don't just flush money down the toilet.
70
00:03:06,909 --> 00:03:10,078
These are garbage!
71
00:03:10,079 --> 00:03:12,080
I also flush hosiery.
72
00:03:14,183 --> 00:03:16,251
And cheeseburgers.
73
00:03:18,687 --> 00:03:22,056
Oldman wants an increase
on your security deposit.
74
00:03:22,057 --> 00:03:24,826
- Wha...?
- Not just for the ongoing plumbing issues,
75
00:03:24,827 --> 00:03:26,594
but also for what you did to your walls.
76
00:03:26,595 --> 00:03:28,596
Uh, is that us?!
77
00:03:30,599 --> 00:03:31,933
That was there when I moved in.
78
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:34,302
He wants to be reimbursed for the damages.
79
00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:35,970
And your rent is due.
80
00:03:35,971 --> 00:03:37,805
And that drawing of my bangs is hurtful.
81
00:03:37,806 --> 00:03:38,940
Whoa!
82
00:03:38,941 --> 00:03:41,309
Whoa, that is a lot to take in all at once.
83
00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:44,612
Maybe it wouldn't be all at
once if you handled your bidness.
84
00:03:44,613 --> 00:03:45,947
Um...
85
00:03:45,948 --> 00:03:48,283
I handle my bidness.
86
00:03:48,284 --> 00:03:51,986
It's just that Mr. Old
Man is super uptight.
87
00:03:53,588 --> 00:03:55,949
And the electric company
is super uptight, too.
88
00:03:55,950 --> 00:04:00,949
Sync and corrections by: kDragon
www.Addic7ed.com
89
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:13,829
Selfie S01E11
90
00:04:15,243 --> 00:04:17,912
Baby... baby headaches, be gone.
91
00:04:17,913 --> 00:04:19,914
Baby headaches, leave.
92
00:04:19,915 --> 00:04:23,551
- Baby headaches, be... Bes... Befell...
- Sir?
93
00:04:23,552 --> 00:04:25,019
Charlie, knock, please.
94
00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,554
Were you raised in a barn?
95
00:04:26,555 --> 00:04:28,222
Yes.
96
00:04:28,223 --> 00:04:30,158
- What?
- Yes, I was.
97
00:04:30,159 --> 00:04:33,861
Well, not in a barn, but near a barn.
98
00:04:33,862 --> 00:04:34,862
On a farm.
99
00:04:34,863 --> 00:04:39,267
We grew wheat and also... hops.
100
00:04:41,135 --> 00:04:43,304
Just knock. What do you want?
101
00:04:43,305 --> 00:04:45,907
Uh, saperstein's ready for
your annual performance review.
102
00:04:45,908 --> 00:04:47,909
Yes!
103
00:04:47,910 --> 00:04:49,677
Whoo! Let's do this.
104
00:04:49,678 --> 00:04:50,845
Good luck, sir.
105
00:04:50,846 --> 00:04:53,014
No luck involved, Chuck.
106
00:04:53,015 --> 00:04:56,851
I've received the highest
review score five years running,
107
00:04:56,852 --> 00:04:59,187
never less than a 98%.
108
00:04:59,188 --> 00:05:01,522
Just call me "Henry Potter. "
109
00:05:01,523 --> 00:05:02,857
Why?
110
00:05:02,858 --> 00:05:06,857
Because I make magic
like a workplace wizard.
111
00:05:09,564 --> 00:05:12,200
Actually, don't call me "Henry Potter. "
112
00:05:12,201 --> 00:05:14,569
Hindsight, I really feel like
I would very much dislike it
113
00:05:14,570 --> 00:05:18,306
if people actually started calling me that.
114
00:05:18,307 --> 00:05:20,675
89%?
115
00:05:20,676 --> 00:05:22,143
That can't be right. That's a "B".
116
00:05:22,144 --> 00:05:24,312
That's a... that's a "B".
117
00:05:24,313 --> 00:05:25,613
What am I, hufflepuff?
118
00:05:25,614 --> 00:05:28,216
Don't get hysterical. It's a high "B".
119
00:05:28,217 --> 00:05:29,717
In some state schools,
120
00:05:29,718 --> 00:05:31,753
that might even be considered a B-Plus.
121
00:05:31,754 --> 00:05:34,622
I've never gotten less than
an "A" in my entire life.
122
00:05:34,623 --> 00:05:36,090
Yeah. Yeah.
123
00:05:36,091 --> 00:05:38,092
"A", "B",
124
00:05:38,093 --> 00:05:40,528
"C", "W"...
125
00:05:40,529 --> 00:05:42,130
- "X".
- Sir?
126
00:05:42,131 --> 00:05:44,265
They're just letters, Henry.
127
00:05:44,266 --> 00:05:45,700
And if I were you,
128
00:05:45,701 --> 00:05:47,835
I'd be more concerned about
the negative peer evaluations
129
00:05:47,836 --> 00:05:50,104
that dragged down your
score in the first place.
130
00:05:50,105 --> 00:05:53,574
Negative peer evaluati...
131
00:05:53,575 --> 00:05:57,278
Uh, sir, would you mind
if I took this file home
132
00:05:57,279 --> 00:05:58,546
to review the comments?
133
00:05:58,547 --> 00:06:01,616
I'm sure I can learn
a lot from my... peers.
134
00:06:04,819 --> 00:06:06,320
Charmonique.
135
00:06:06,321 --> 00:06:08,022
It's me, Eliza.
136
00:06:08,023 --> 00:06:09,957
I'm wearing a trucker hat.
137
00:06:09,958 --> 00:06:11,626
I can see that.
138
00:06:11,627 --> 00:06:13,094
Do you have a key to the executive gym?
139
00:06:13,095 --> 00:06:15,797
I had to vacate my premises
unexpectedly this morning.
140
00:06:15,798 --> 00:06:16,931
Vacate your premises?
141
00:06:16,932 --> 00:06:18,633
Mm-hmm. Listen.
142
00:06:18,634 --> 00:06:20,134
My electric's off and my rent's due,
143
00:06:20,135 --> 00:06:21,769
along with an unforeseen security deposit
144
00:06:21,770 --> 00:06:24,005
and a "probably should have
foreseen" plumbing bill.
145
00:06:24,006 --> 00:06:26,274
I know you've been
there, teamCharmonique.
146
00:06:26,275 --> 00:06:28,609
Oh! don't drag team Charmonique into this.
147
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:29,944
Team Charmonique pays her bills on time.
148
00:06:29,945 --> 00:06:32,113
Therefore, team Charmonique
149
00:06:32,114 --> 00:06:34,248
does not wish to be associated
with some broke-ass...
150
00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:36,250
Hey, I'm not broke. I am not broke.
151
00:06:36,251 --> 00:06:38,286
I just find certain things stressful,
152
00:06:38,287 --> 00:06:40,121
like, bills, invoices, payments,
153
00:06:40,122 --> 00:06:42,256
debits, deposits, withdraws, transfers,
154
00:06:42,257 --> 00:06:44,625
checks, money orders,
money market, savings,
155
00:06:44,626 --> 00:06:46,928
interest, account numbers,
pin numbers, and prime numbers?
156
00:06:46,929 --> 00:06:49,096
Maybe? What are those, again?
157
00:06:49,097 --> 00:06:50,565
Numbers greater than 1
158
00:06:50,566 --> 00:06:52,834
that are divisible only
by themselves and 1.
159
00:06:52,835 --> 00:06:54,702
TeamCharmonique.
160
00:06:54,703 --> 00:06:57,305
Those are fine, but the rest of
that stuff freaks me the freak out.
161
00:06:57,306 --> 00:06:59,140
You know what doesn't seem
to freak you the freak out?
162
00:06:59,141 --> 00:07:00,308
Spending money,
163
00:07:00,309 --> 00:07:03,044
- 'cause those boots look brand-new.
- Oh.
164
00:07:03,045 --> 00:07:04,579
They are.
165
00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:05,680
You are not wrong.
166
00:07:05,681 --> 00:07:08,683
I really do like spending money,
167
00:07:08,684 --> 00:07:10,618
but now my credit cards are maxed,
168
00:07:10,619 --> 00:07:12,019
I've got not cash, and, plus...
169
00:07:12,020 --> 00:07:13,554
I'm homeless.
170
00:07:13,555 --> 00:07:14,956
Mm.
171
00:07:14,957 --> 00:07:16,657
You know whose help you need?
172
00:07:16,658 --> 00:07:19,560
Don't say Steve Harvey.
Please, don't say Steve Harvey.
173
00:07:19,561 --> 00:07:21,028
What? Girl, no!
174
00:07:21,029 --> 00:07:22,897
I'm talking about your boy Henry Potter.
175
00:07:22,898 --> 00:07:24,599
Are people calling him that now?
176
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,234
Spread like wildfire this very morning.
177
00:07:26,235 --> 00:07:27,568
See?
178
00:07:27,569 --> 00:07:29,570
I didn't even know that because
Henry's not my boy anymore.
179
00:07:29,571 --> 00:07:31,072
Things got weird between us,
180
00:07:31,073 --> 00:07:34,208
and so my only recourse is to
ignore him until one of us dies.
181
00:07:34,209 --> 00:07:36,711
Or you could try being a grown woman.
182
00:07:36,712 --> 00:07:38,012
I am a grown woman!
183
00:07:38,013 --> 00:07:40,882
Then go wash your ass and talk to Henry.
184
00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:45,219
HygieneFirst, TeamCharmonique.
185
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:48,523
Look at this. "A born leader. "
186
00:07:50,091 --> 00:07:51,759
"The consummate professional. "
187
00:07:53,628 --> 00:07:55,897
"Stone-cold stud. "
188
00:07:55,898 --> 00:07:57,565
I'm guessing this one is Larry.
189
00:07:57,566 --> 00:07:58,699
Where is it? Come on.
190
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:01,669
Ah! Aha!
191
00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:04,071
I knew it. I knew.
192
00:08:04,939 --> 00:08:07,775
It's not my peers who
brought down my average.
193
00:08:07,776 --> 00:08:09,610
It's my peer.
194
00:08:09,611 --> 00:08:12,647
One anonymous peer,
195
00:08:12,648 --> 00:08:16,284
one bitter, "hell hath no
fury like a woman scorned" peer
196
00:08:16,285 --> 00:08:18,553
who gave me an "F" and
called me a bit of a poop.
197
00:08:18,554 --> 00:08:19,921
Who, I ask,
198
00:08:19,922 --> 00:08:23,224
do you suppose would resort
to something so infantine?
199
00:08:23,225 --> 00:08:25,059
I have no idea.
200
00:08:25,060 --> 00:08:27,528
Well, I do.
201
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,002
This stinks of Eliza.
202
00:08:36,466 --> 00:08:38,916
I couldn't go to Henry,
203
00:08:38,917 --> 00:08:40,251
who was convinced I tanked his peer review,
204
00:08:40,252 --> 00:08:41,852
and I couldn't go home, so,
that left me no other choice
205
00:08:41,853 --> 00:08:43,320
than to check into a five-star hotel.
206
00:08:43,321 --> 00:08:45,956
Oh. Declined. Have another?
207
00:08:45,957 --> 00:08:47,258
Okay.
208
00:08:47,259 --> 00:08:49,593
Why don't we try, uh, $10 on a green visa,
209
00:08:49,594 --> 00:08:53,597
$15 on the blue visa, maybe
5 bucks on the mastercard.
210
00:08:53,598 --> 00:08:54,899
Hold on.
211
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,034
Ma'am, you didn't mention
212
00:08:57,035 --> 00:09:00,204
- that you're a double dollar rewards member.
- I am?
213
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:01,867
You have more rewards points
than anyone I've ever seen.
214
00:09:01,868 --> 00:09:03,187
I do?
215
00:09:03,188 --> 00:09:05,042
You could book the presidential
suite with all these points.
216
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,377
Then I will.
217
00:09:06,378 --> 00:09:09,980
Look at me, the first
female president-ial suite.
218
00:09:14,852 --> 00:09:16,954
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!
219
00:09:16,955 --> 00:09:18,956
Yeah! Baby! Champagne!
220
00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:29,600
After hard-core stressing
out over money I didn't have,
221
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,368
it was time to blow off some steam
222
00:09:31,369 --> 00:09:32,970
using money I didn't have.
223
00:09:32,971 --> 00:09:34,138
Cheers.
224
00:09:34,139 --> 00:09:35,472
Cheers.
225
00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:40,010
Shit.
226
00:09:40,011 --> 00:09:42,379
Oh, see? Now, this is
why I don't look at mail.
227
00:09:43,547 --> 00:09:44,915
So much for hotel living.
228
00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:46,116
Much like Lindsay Lohan
229
00:09:46,117 --> 00:09:48,452
when she finally got kicked
out of Ch�teau Marmont,
230
00:09:48,453 --> 00:09:51,121
it was time for me to make
a terrible Liz Taylor biopic
231
00:09:51,122 --> 00:09:52,957
or find some other, less embarrassing way
232
00:09:52,958 --> 00:09:54,959
to raise some cash for Mr. Old Man.
233
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,461
For just $75 cash,
234
00:09:57,462 --> 00:10:00,030
this lightly used Sephora
gift card can be yours.
235
00:10:00,031 --> 00:10:02,266
That's a $50 gift card.
236
00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:03,968
Yes, but I had to factor in labor.
237
00:10:03,969 --> 00:10:06,136
It took me an hour to scrape
this off my car's upholstery
238
00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:09,173
thanks to the pumpkin-spice
latte I spilled on the seat.
239
00:10:09,174 --> 00:10:10,507
Ew! Those have been out of
season for like three months.
240
00:10:10,508 --> 00:10:13,010
How about any of these? DSW?
241
00:10:13,011 --> 00:10:14,311
- Amazon?
- Mnh-mnh.
242
00:10:14,312 --> 00:10:16,914
- Chili's? AMC theaters?
- Mm.
243
00:10:16,915 --> 00:10:19,383
Two pinkberrys away
from getting a free pinkberry...
244
00:10:19,384 --> 00:10:21,452
- At Participating Stores?
- No!
245
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,287
Look, if you're trying to get
some action on these cards,
246
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:25,622
you need to offer a discount.
247
00:10:25,623 --> 00:10:27,891
I'll give you 30 bucks
for that $50 Chili's.
248
00:10:27,892 --> 00:10:29,059
Done.
249
00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,128
Yes!
250
00:10:32,863 --> 00:10:34,999
What up, sexies?
251
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,200
Hi.
252
00:10:36,201 --> 00:10:37,901
How would you two sexy sexies
253
00:10:37,902 --> 00:10:40,537
like to buy a Talbots gift
card for half its value?
254
00:10:41,505 --> 00:10:43,307
I gave you that Talbots gift card
255
00:10:43,308 --> 00:10:45,309
as a secret Santa gift last Christmas.
256
00:10:47,012 --> 00:10:48,579
Spoiler alert. Linda?
257
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:50,414
- Mnh-mnh. No.
- No?
258
00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:53,050
Well, then, uh, d...
does anyone want to buy
259
00:10:53,051 --> 00:10:57,388
a hot... new, still-in-style trucker hat?
260
00:10:59,923 --> 00:11:01,125
No? Fine.
261
00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:03,961
Well, um, swing by my desk later.
262
00:11:03,962 --> 00:11:07,264
I'm having a bake sale. Whoa. Bake sale.
263
00:11:07,265 --> 00:11:11,402
Bake sale? Is that a euphemism?
264
00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:13,337
I'm not sure.
265
00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:15,906
Raj, I just need you to confirm.
266
00:11:15,907 --> 00:11:18,008
It was Eliza Dooley who
wrote that remark about me,
267
00:11:18,009 --> 00:11:19,009
was it not?
268
00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:22,146
Henry, I'm sorry. I would like to help you.
269
00:11:22,147 --> 00:11:24,181
But the evaluation must remain anonymous.
270
00:11:24,182 --> 00:11:26,016
Come on, Raj.
271
00:11:26,017 --> 00:11:29,219
It's just you and me
here. You're a smart man.
272
00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:30,621
I know you'll do the right thing.
273
00:11:30,622 --> 00:11:33,991
Henry, I believe you're
trying to intimidate me.
274
00:11:33,992 --> 00:11:35,926
I would report you to H.R.
275
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:38,595
But unfortunately, in
this case, that is me.
276
00:11:38,596 --> 00:11:40,264
Raj...
277
00:11:40,265 --> 00:11:42,900
If it was Eliza, you just say it's Eliza.
278
00:11:48,106 --> 00:11:50,107
You are very persuasive,
279
00:11:50,108 --> 00:11:53,110
but I cannot break the tenets
of the human-resources oath.
280
00:11:53,111 --> 00:11:55,379
There's a human-resources oath?
281
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:58,916
On my honor, as a human-resources officer,
282
00:11:58,917 --> 00:12:02,119
do I promise to provide an
equal-opportunity workplace,
283
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,254
free of discrimination, harassment,
284
00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:05,355
and the divulgement
285
00:12:05,356 --> 00:12:07,191
of confidential personal information.
286
00:12:07,192 --> 00:12:08,859
If I should breaketh such laws,
287
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:11,428
may my lips wither and turn to dust.
288
00:12:11,429 --> 00:12:14,832
Well, it sounds like
there's some wiggle room.
289
00:12:14,833 --> 00:12:15,966
Never mind.
290
00:12:16,968 --> 00:12:18,335
'Twasn't her.
291
00:12:21,004 --> 00:12:21,972
What was that?
292
00:12:21,973 --> 00:12:26,043
'Twas not Eliza.
293
00:12:27,111 --> 00:12:28,979
Damn it.
294
00:12:31,415 --> 00:12:32,916
Eliza?
295
00:12:32,917 --> 00:12:34,318
Hmm? What are you doing in my office?
296
00:12:34,319 --> 00:12:36,019
Are you wearing pajamas?
297
00:12:36,020 --> 00:12:37,121
Are you drinking peaches?
298
00:12:38,288 --> 00:12:40,424
- Are you living here now?
- No!
299
00:12:40,425 --> 00:12:41,925
I'm not.
300
00:12:41,926 --> 00:12:43,894
These aren't pajamas. This is lounge wear.
301
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:45,028
I'm lounging...
302
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:47,631
before I head off to the lounge,
303
00:12:47,632 --> 00:12:51,631
which is a new club/lounge
where everyone, like...
304
00:12:51,632 --> 00:12:53,537
Brings their own canned goods.
305
00:12:54,938 --> 00:12:57,474
Okay, I live here now.
306
00:13:03,012 --> 00:13:05,014
This bill is in collections.
307
00:13:05,015 --> 00:13:05,982
Sorry.
308
00:13:05,983 --> 00:13:07,316
It's for $20.
309
00:13:07,317 --> 00:13:08,317
Oh!
310
00:13:08,318 --> 00:13:11,053
- I have $20. I have that.
- Look, Eliza,
311
00:13:11,054 --> 00:13:13,156
the late fees are triple the
original cost of the bill.
312
00:13:13,157 --> 00:13:14,223
You sullied your credit
313
00:13:14,224 --> 00:13:15,858
not because you didn't have the money...
314
00:13:15,859 --> 00:13:17,093
But because I didn't open my mail.
315
00:13:17,094 --> 00:13:18,928
Right.
316
00:13:18,929 --> 00:13:21,264
Your grandmother wishes
you a Merry Christmas,
317
00:13:21,265 --> 00:13:23,933
- with $20 inside.
- Hmm.
318
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:25,067
Too little, too late, grandma.
319
00:13:25,068 --> 00:13:26,369
Okay.
320
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,204
We're gonna have to set
you up with a proper budget.
321
00:13:28,205 --> 00:13:30,106
Where would you say the
bulk of your income goes?
322
00:13:30,107 --> 00:13:32,942
Just, like...
323
00:13:32,943 --> 00:13:36,546
Uh, Zappos, Amazon, Gilt...
324
00:13:36,547 --> 00:13:39,015
- All right...
- Net-a-Porter, StyleBop, ShopBop...
325
00:13:39,016 --> 00:13:41,517
- Eliza...
- Piperlime, fab. com, justfab. com...
326
00:13:41,518 --> 00:13:43,519
- Good God...
- Sephora, BlueFly,
327
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,421
as well as cupping,
leeching, elbow bleaching,
328
00:13:45,422 --> 00:13:47,490
and that procedure where
little fish eat dead skin
329
00:13:47,491 --> 00:13:49,158
from all over my body.
330
00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:50,593
What am I gonna do with you?
331
00:13:50,594 --> 00:13:52,929
You're not mad at me anymore.
332
00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:55,097
I would say I'm... I'm, um...
333
00:13:55,098 --> 00:13:57,066
- I'm disappointed.
- Yes,
334
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,235
but in the normal way that
you're always disappointed.
335
00:13:59,236 --> 00:14:00,970
I can tell you're not mad at me anymore.
336
00:14:00,971 --> 00:14:02,838
Oh, I know you didn't write that review,
337
00:14:02,839 --> 00:14:05,942
and I'm sorry for assuming
it was you because...
338
00:14:07,376 --> 00:14:08,844
because we, uh...
339
00:14:10,012 --> 00:14:12,381
Because I...
340
00:14:12,382 --> 00:14:14,884
Apology accepted.
341
00:14:16,485 --> 00:14:18,487
Right, so we will deal with
342
00:14:18,488 --> 00:14:21,424
your building manager and your
lack of electricity tomorrow.
343
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:23,259
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh for tonight, you can stay at my place.
344
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:26,162
Your place?
345
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:30,680
I'll s... be staying at Julia's.
346
00:14:30,681 --> 00:14:33,182
Of course. That's great.
347
00:14:33,183 --> 00:14:36,185
I get your place all to myself.
348
00:14:36,186 --> 00:14:37,586
Which means I can just walk around naked
349
00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:39,522
and put my butt on every single
piece of furniture you own.
350
00:14:40,524 --> 00:14:42,158
J.K.
351
00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:44,660
I won't put my butt on all
your stuff. Don't worry.
352
00:14:44,661 --> 00:14:46,028
That's very kind of you.
353
00:14:46,029 --> 00:14:47,530
You're a real class act.
354
00:14:47,531 --> 00:14:49,598
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.
355
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:54,203
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.
356
00:14:58,575 --> 00:15:01,110
All
right. Thank you very much.
357
00:15:20,684 --> 00:15:21,751
Hi.
358
00:15:21,752 --> 00:15:23,086
Stop snooping through my things.
359
00:15:26,156 --> 00:15:29,292
Okay. Sorry.
360
00:15:29,293 --> 00:15:31,277
Do you have hidden cameras
in here or something?
361
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,930
Stop waving. There are no
hidden cameras. I just know you.
362
00:15:33,931 --> 00:15:35,832
Turndown service?
363
00:15:35,833 --> 00:15:38,001
Uh, no, thank you.
364
00:15:38,002 --> 00:15:40,603
Who was that?
365
00:15:40,604 --> 00:15:43,606
That was Julia...
366
00:15:43,607 --> 00:15:45,875
pretending to be a hotel maid...
367
00:15:45,876 --> 00:15:46,943
Huh.
368
00:15:46,944 --> 00:15:48,378
Asking if I wanted turndown service.
369
00:15:48,379 --> 00:15:51,214
Um...
370
00:15:51,215 --> 00:15:53,383
She's into role-playing...
371
00:15:53,384 --> 00:15:54,818
kind of a super freak.
372
00:15:54,819 --> 00:15:56,753
Anyhoo, time to start having sex.
373
00:16:01,658 --> 00:16:03,993
Sounds good.
374
00:16:03,994 --> 00:16:05,695
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
375
00:16:06,664 --> 00:16:09,199
Whoo!
376
00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:13,236
Huh? What? Are you doing here?
377
00:16:13,237 --> 00:16:15,371
I could ask you the same thing.
378
00:16:15,372 --> 00:16:17,240
I don't know why I'm surprised.
379
00:16:17,241 --> 00:16:18,741
I should have known Henry would move on
380
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:20,276
to your coltish, titian-haired delights.
381
00:16:20,277 --> 00:16:21,811
- What?
- Here.
382
00:16:21,812 --> 00:16:24,147
Please see that he gets his waterpik.
383
00:16:24,148 --> 00:16:26,316
I wouldn't want Henry's gums to be any...
384
00:16:27,784 --> 00:16:28,785
less tight.
385
00:16:42,398 --> 00:16:44,868
Ahh.
Whoa!
386
00:16:44,869 --> 00:16:45,869
Ahh.
387
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:48,371
Wow! My bills are so beautiful!
388
00:16:48,372 --> 00:16:51,708
It's like an office-supply
store meets a magical rainbow.
389
00:16:51,709 --> 00:16:53,676
Nothing magical here.
It's just office supplies.
390
00:16:53,677 --> 00:16:55,178
But what about this...
391
00:16:55,179 --> 00:16:58,248
Sparkling bag of treasure?
392
00:16:58,249 --> 00:17:00,717
These are brads.
393
00:17:00,718 --> 00:17:02,752
Now, I've spoken to Mr. Old Man,
394
00:17:02,753 --> 00:17:04,921
who incidentally is 43 years of age,
395
00:17:04,922 --> 00:17:08,258
and he has agreed to a
monthly-installment plan
396
00:17:08,259 --> 00:17:10,927
that is far less than what you
spend on eye-makeup remover.
397
00:17:10,928 --> 00:17:14,297
Also, you spent too much
on eye-makeup remover.
398
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:19,002
Thank you, Henry.
399
00:17:20,103 --> 00:17:23,072
I guess you really
know what a mess I am now.
400
00:17:23,073 --> 00:17:25,608
Nah, you're just in your 20s.
401
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:26,876
It wasn't that long ago that I was
402
00:17:26,877 --> 00:17:29,379
- subject to my own fiscal foibles.
- Really?
403
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:30,713
Let's just say there's a blockbuster
404
00:17:30,714 --> 00:17:32,215
in Ann Arbor, Michigan,
that is still wondering
405
00:17:32,216 --> 00:17:34,817
what happened to their
only copy of "Scream 2."
406
00:17:36,754 --> 00:17:39,622
Well, uh, thank you.
407
00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:40,390
Thank you.
408
00:17:40,391 --> 00:17:43,259
This means...
409
00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:44,928
A lot.
410
00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:47,263
You're most welcome.
411
00:17:47,264 --> 00:17:49,232
Spread the word around
the office, would you?
412
00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:51,334
I'm not really a bit of a poop, after all.
413
00:17:52,670 --> 00:17:55,071
"Bit of a poop. "
That's what Charlie calls you.
414
00:17:55,072 --> 00:17:56,739
He does?
415
00:17:56,740 --> 00:18:00,376
Well, yeah, but not a full poop,
416
00:18:00,377 --> 00:18:02,212
just, like, a bit of a poop.
417
00:18:03,947 --> 00:18:06,649
That piece of shit.
418
00:18:08,117 --> 00:18:10,954
Isn't it pretty?
419
00:18:10,955 --> 00:18:13,790
And Mr. Middle-Aged man is on
automatic debit thanks to Henry,
420
00:18:13,791 --> 00:18:15,758
so I won't forget to pay
and be homeless again.
421
00:18:15,759 --> 00:18:17,393
Hey, homeless Eliza was hot.
422
00:18:19,063 --> 00:18:21,231
Mm.
423
00:18:21,232 --> 00:18:22,665
Um...
424
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:26,836
why didn't you offer
to let me stay with you?
425
00:18:26,837 --> 00:18:28,137
What?
426
00:18:28,138 --> 00:18:29,239
When I was homeless
427
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,341
and staying at the presidential suite,
428
00:18:31,342 --> 00:18:33,710
why didn't you offer for
me to come stay with you?
429
00:18:33,711 --> 00:18:35,678
You wanted to stay with me?
430
00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:37,313
Well, I mean, it would have been nice
431
00:18:37,314 --> 00:18:40,250
not to use up all my rewards points.
432
00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:43,086
Hey, I would have been happy
for you to stay with me, okay?
433
00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:45,255
But I guarantee you, if I offered,
434
00:18:45,256 --> 00:18:46,923
you would have just
freaked out and dumped me.
435
00:18:46,924 --> 00:18:48,625
Anytime I try to get serious with you,
436
00:18:48,626 --> 00:18:50,193
y... you pull away from me.
437
00:18:51,862 --> 00:18:53,663
I do?
438
00:18:56,066 --> 00:18:57,600
Look, if it were up to me,
439
00:18:57,601 --> 00:18:59,736
you'd be staying at my place
every night of the week.
440
00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:04,173
Like... Permanently.
441
00:19:04,174 --> 00:19:05,742
Like "Boxing Helena" style?
442
00:19:05,743 --> 00:19:06,876
No.
443
00:19:06,877 --> 00:19:08,611
Don't want to cut off your limbs
444
00:19:08,612 --> 00:19:10,613
and put you in a box under my bed.
445
00:19:12,616 --> 00:19:15,652
I just want to be around
you as much as possible.
446
00:19:17,688 --> 00:19:19,722
Did I just scare you off?
447
00:19:33,202 --> 00:19:35,204
TeamFreddy.
448
00:19:42,690 --> 00:19:43,991
Good morning, Charlie.
449
00:19:46,027 --> 00:19:49,030
Mini marshmallows. Your favorite, right?
450
00:19:49,031 --> 00:19:50,732
Go ahead. Drink up.
451
00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:52,266
Huh? Anything else you need?
452
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:53,434
Would you like a breakfast pastry?
453
00:19:53,435 --> 00:19:54,736
How about a back rub?
454
00:19:54,737 --> 00:19:58,206
Sir, I'm sorry about the "F".
455
00:19:58,207 --> 00:20:01,709
I was having a bad day. I'm better now.
456
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:04,011
Can you stop being so nice to me?
457
00:20:04,012 --> 00:20:05,179
I hate it.
458
00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:07,949
Yeah, I hate it, too.
459
00:20:07,950 --> 00:20:10,284
It's not right.
460
00:20:10,285 --> 00:20:14,021
Clean up these filthy
marshmallows, would you?
461
00:20:14,022 --> 00:20:15,723
I'm not the one who spilled them.
462
00:20:15,724 --> 00:20:17,825
Charlie, I entreat!
463
00:20:19,394 --> 00:20:21,896
He's back.
464
00:20:21,897 --> 00:20:23,698
So...
465
00:20:23,699 --> 00:20:25,833
What are you and midge up to this weekend?
466
00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:26,868
Midge?
467
00:20:26,869 --> 00:20:28,870
Your pocket pal. Your tiny dancer.
468
00:20:28,871 --> 00:20:30,171
Julia.
469
00:20:30,172 --> 00:20:32,206
Oh. Um...
470
00:20:32,207 --> 00:20:34,142
I don't know. We're probably
just gonna play it by ear.
471
00:20:34,143 --> 00:20:35,643
Why don't the two of you
come over to my place?
472
00:20:35,644 --> 00:20:37,812
- Oh, no, no. I think she's on call.
- But we could watch a movie
473
00:20:37,813 --> 00:20:42,150
like "The Break-up," or
"He's... just not that into you. "
474
00:20:43,718 --> 00:20:46,220
How did you find out?
475
00:20:46,221 --> 00:20:48,656
I read your journal.
476
00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:51,759
- What?! That's a clear violation of my personal
- J. K., Henry. J.K.
477
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,695
Now I know you journal.
478
00:20:54,696 --> 00:20:56,030
Journal's not a verb.
479
00:20:56,031 --> 00:20:57,698
I don't journal. I keep a journal.
480
00:20:57,699 --> 00:21:00,168
I'm sorry things didn't
work out with Julia.
481
00:21:00,169 --> 00:21:02,737
Thank you.
482
00:21:02,738 --> 00:21:06,240
Well, I mean, it is
completely understandable.
483
00:21:07,276 --> 00:21:09,677
Let me guess more height jokes?
484
00:21:09,678 --> 00:21:10,912
No.
485
00:21:10,913 --> 00:21:12,413
No, I would never want to belittle Julia.
486
00:21:12,414 --> 00:21:15,650
Because she already "be little" herself?
487
00:21:16,752 --> 00:21:19,787
Would you say she has a short temper?
488
00:21:19,788 --> 00:21:22,690
You are 7 years old. You
do know that, don't you?
489
00:21:22,691 --> 00:21:27,525
Selfie S01E11
490
00:21:27,575 --> 00:21:32,125
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
34802
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
