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1
00:00:00,368 --> 00:00:03,034
**
2
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,101
* You won't admit you love me *
3
00:00:11,101 --> 00:00:12,667
* And so
4
00:00:12,667 --> 00:00:15,167
* How am I ever
5
00:00:15,167 --> 00:00:17,034
* To know
6
00:00:17,034 --> 00:00:20,001
* You always tell me
7
00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:23,400
* Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
8
00:00:24,433 --> 00:00:26,667
* Perhaps
9
00:00:26,667 --> 00:00:28,934
* Perhaps
10
00:00:28,934 --> 00:00:30,667
* Perhaps
11
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:38,074
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12
00:00:54,134 --> 00:00:55,700
Tamsin!
13
00:01:01,433 --> 00:01:02,867
(Sighs)
14
00:01:03,901 --> 00:01:05,167
Okay.
15
00:01:22,901 --> 00:01:24,800
(TV plays)
16
00:02:54,034 --> 00:02:55,467
Jane?
17
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,567
Yes.
18
00:02:57,567 --> 00:03:00,201
Hi. It's me.
19
00:03:00,201 --> 00:03:02,067
Yes.
20
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:04,400
Oliver.
21
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,067
Yes, I know.
22
00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:08,533
My God!
What are you doing here?
23
00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:12,667
Shopping.
24
00:03:12,667 --> 00:03:16,067
So, how's the buying going?
You having a good one?
25
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:18,700
Oh, I see.
Ladies' products.
26
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:21,634
That's okay.
Thank you.
27
00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:24,500
Actually, I don't know
why I stepped back there.
There's no danger.
28
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:26,433
- No danger?
- Exactly.
29
00:03:26,433 --> 00:03:29,101
I don't know why
I'm saying any of this.
30
00:03:29,101 --> 00:03:32,201
I'm flippin' out here.
Craziness!
31
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:35,533
So, what are you doing?
32
00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:38,301
Oh, you know, the same.
Shopping.
33
00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:43,400
God, you must be thinking
what's Oliver gonna be doing
34
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,433
with all this toilet roll?
35
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:48,034
Actually, I leave that
to your imagination.
36
00:03:48,034 --> 00:03:50,934
Actually, please don't
start imagining that.
That would be disgusting.
37
00:03:50,934 --> 00:03:53,067
- Yeah.
- It was on offer, that's all.
38
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:57,201
I'm not some kind of
a crazed toilet roll...
39
00:03:57,201 --> 00:03:59,334
supporter.
40
00:04:01,268 --> 00:04:04,301
I mean, it's toilet roll.
If it's there, I'll use it.
41
00:04:04,301 --> 00:04:07,901
And it generally is there
when I need it,
42
00:04:07,901 --> 00:04:10,201
which is great.
43
00:04:11,301 --> 00:04:12,634
Yes.
44
00:04:12,634 --> 00:04:16,067
- Anyway, I best be going.
Things to do.
- Okay.
45
00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:19,067
Gotta go home and get
these babies installed.
46
00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:20,700
Yeah.
47
00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:23,700
I just called them babies,
didn't I?
48
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:25,901
You did.
Ha ha! Babies!
49
00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:27,700
I don't know
what that's about!
50
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,834
You don't install babies!
51
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,901
No. Listen, um...
52
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:36,500
I've really got to--
53
00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:38,301
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
54
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,201
WOMAN:
Hello, Oliver.
55
00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:47,167
Hello, Mrs. M.
You're looking
ravishing today.
56
00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:49,567
Do you like my new hair?
57
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:52,400
Hard to say, Mrs. M.
Where is it this time?
58
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,600
Ha ha ha ha ha!
59
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,533
- Hello, Oliver.
- Mrs. c.
60
00:04:57,533 --> 00:04:59,433
Are you admiring
Sheila's hair?
61
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:02,001
Not yet,
but I'm hoping.
62
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:03,700
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!
63
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,500
I'll catch you later,
Mrs. M.
64
00:05:10,234 --> 00:05:14,101
Listen, um, sorry about
all that baby stuff.
65
00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:16,867
- I don't know what
I was thinking.
- That's okay.
66
00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:18,500
Look, um...
67
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:20,433
Would you like
to get a coffee?
68
00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:22,301
Yeah.
69
00:05:22,301 --> 00:05:25,001
Yeah, that's exactly
what I'd like.
70
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,500
(Phone rings)
71
00:05:32,034 --> 00:05:33,101
Hello?
72
00:05:33,101 --> 00:05:34,634
Hi.
73
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:38,901
Sorry, you meant a coffee
together, didn't you?
74
00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:43,400
Pretty much, yeah.
75
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:51,767
Well, you got here
really quickly.
76
00:05:53,201 --> 00:05:55,667
I'm just round the corner.
It's very close.
77
00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:56,934
Right.
78
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:03,301
So, did you install
your toilet rolls?
79
00:06:03,301 --> 00:06:06,467
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
80
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,600
Good.
81
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,800
So, did you install your--
82
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:14,500
(Giggles)
Oh, God.
83
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:18,301
What is the matter
with me?!
84
00:06:18,301 --> 00:06:19,634
I don't know.
85
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:21,834
Why can't I talk?
What's happened to my brain?
86
00:06:21,834 --> 00:06:25,234
Never mind about your brain.
Brains are overrated.
87
00:06:25,234 --> 00:06:28,700
Many plants don't have brains.
Have you thought about that?
88
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:31,800
Why can't I talk normally?
89
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,634
I'm fairly sure I used to
have the power of speech.
90
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:36,734
Well, you talked to
the ladies in the supermarket.
91
00:06:36,734 --> 00:06:39,167
That's easy.
I don't want to
sleep with them.
92
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:43,301
Okay, I'm just gonna
put my head down on the table.
93
00:06:43,301 --> 00:06:45,301
You can slip away
in your own time.
94
00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:48,500
You can't talk to people if
you want to have sex with them?
95
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:51,500
Please, leave me here to die.
Save yourself.
96
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,700
Isn't that
a bit of a problem?
97
00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,268
Do you really think
it might be?
98
00:06:55,268 --> 00:06:57,067
I wasn't sure,
so thanks for
clearing that up.
99
00:06:57,067 --> 00:07:00,368
I could still talk to you
even if I wanted to have sex
with you.
100
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:06,134
Ever get the feeling
you're spinning away
101
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:09,134
into a great black void
of failure and loneliness
102
00:07:09,134 --> 00:07:11,268
with one last
despairing scream?
103
00:07:11,268 --> 00:07:13,734
Everybody feels like that.
That's normal.
104
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,934
You just get up
and have breakfast.
105
00:07:20,034 --> 00:07:22,234
- "Many" plants?
- What?
106
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,867
Many plants
don't have brains?
107
00:07:24,867 --> 00:07:25,867
Exactly.
108
00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,301
Jane, no plants
have brains.
109
00:07:28,301 --> 00:07:31,700
Yet they have
their own wisdom.
110
00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:33,600
What wisdom?
111
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:37,567
- The wisdom of plants.
- What wisdom is that?
112
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:40,600
It's very deep, Oliver.
It's very spiritual.
113
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:44,934
It's so typically...
planty.
114
00:07:44,934 --> 00:07:47,034
You're making this up.
115
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,234
No, I'm not.
It's a philosophy.
116
00:07:49,234 --> 00:07:50,967
I follow
a lot of philosophies.
117
00:07:50,967 --> 00:07:53,268
It's one of the things
people really notice about me.
118
00:07:53,268 --> 00:07:56,667
So, you follow
the philosophy of plants.
119
00:07:56,667 --> 00:07:59,101
I am a committed
vegetarian, yes.
120
00:07:59,101 --> 00:08:00,901
Really.
121
00:08:00,901 --> 00:08:02,901
It's a life choice.
122
00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:04,334
So let me
get this straight.
123
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:06,867
You believe in the wisdom
and the philosophy of plants.
124
00:08:06,867 --> 00:08:09,368
Yes, I do, Oliver.
I absolutely do.
125
00:08:09,368 --> 00:08:12,368
So you eat them.
126
00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:14,368
Hmm.
127
00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:17,667
Let me get this straight.
You're a heterosexual man...
128
00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:19,034
Yeah.
129
00:08:19,034 --> 00:08:22,201
...but you can't
talk to women.
130
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,234
Okay.
131
00:08:25,234 --> 00:08:28,167
We kinda got
one in each there,
didn't we?
132
00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:30,301
So why do the shop ladies
know you?
133
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,834
Well, I've been
shopping there
for five years.
134
00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:34,268
Oh.
135
00:08:34,268 --> 00:08:35,533
What?
136
00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:38,301
I've been shopping there
for seven.
137
00:08:38,301 --> 00:08:39,634
Right.
138
00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:42,700
It's funny
they noticed you
and not me.
139
00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:43,834
Yeah.
140
00:08:43,834 --> 00:08:45,433
Why?
141
00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:48,134
I'm very much
a noticeable person.
142
00:08:48,134 --> 00:08:49,433
Oh, okay.
143
00:08:49,433 --> 00:08:51,967
Crazy, wacky Jane?
144
00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:55,001
Everyone's got
their own story about me.
145
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:56,167
Yeah?
146
00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:58,234
I try to make sure.
147
00:08:58,234 --> 00:09:01,067
It's just a bunch of old ladies
with alarming moles.
148
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:03,433
I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm not worried about it.
149
00:09:03,433 --> 00:09:06,734
I just feel
they're not keeping up.
150
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:09,767
Mrs. M. has got
the biggest mole in England.
151
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:12,334
It should be carried on
to the next old lady.
152
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:15,101
You find yourself giving it
equal eye contact time,
153
00:09:15,101 --> 00:09:17,167
Otherwise you feel rude.
154
00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:18,700
- Shit!
- What?
155
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:21,700
- Her name's Barker.
- Barker?
156
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,834
Mrs. M.
She should be Mrs. B.
157
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:26,334
I'm calling her Mrs. M.
after the mole!
158
00:09:26,334 --> 00:09:28,433
Oh, God! Really?
159
00:09:28,433 --> 00:09:32,234
How long have I
been doing that?
That's borderline rude!
160
00:09:32,234 --> 00:09:33,967
But it's really funny.
161
00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:35,800
Every time I'm in there
I'm going
162
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,533
"Don't think
about the mole."
163
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,600
I only went
and named her after it.
164
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:40,901
Ha ha ha ha!
(snorts)
165
00:09:40,901 --> 00:09:43,700
- I'll tell you something,
though.
- What?
166
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:47,433
- If Mrs. P is the one
with the bladder complaint,
I'm switching to Tesco's.
167
00:09:50,334 --> 00:09:52,301
Anyway, this is me.
168
00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:53,834
Your flat?
169
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,034
Yeah.
170
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:58,533
Listen, it's been really--
Can I come up?
171
00:09:58,533 --> 00:10:01,334
(All choking
on drinks)
172
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,167
You just said that?
173
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,234
Yep.
174
00:10:04,234 --> 00:10:07,301
- Did he look surprised?
- He looked terrified.
175
00:10:07,301 --> 00:10:09,567
There are rules.
There's a procedure.
176
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:12,567
We don't just say,
"Can I come up to your flat?"
177
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,734
We hint at the possibility
178
00:10:14,734 --> 00:10:17,001
that at some point
in the distant future
179
00:10:17,001 --> 00:10:20,834
we might linger momentarily
in the right post code.
180
00:10:20,834 --> 00:10:24,433
A woman with her clothes on
has negotiating power.
181
00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:28,234
We have what they want,
and we've got to sit on it.
182
00:10:30,101 --> 00:10:33,234
Sorry, that was
a bit more graphic
than I was aiming for.
183
00:10:33,234 --> 00:10:35,634
I just wanted
to see his flat.
184
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:38,368
I don't think
he interpreted it
as an offer of sex.
185
00:10:38,368 --> 00:10:42,334
Jane, things men
are capable of interpreting
as an offer of sex:
186
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:45,767
"Hello."
"Oh, look. It's raining."
187
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:48,667
"My boyfriend's just been
kidnapped by drug smugglers."
188
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,301
"Get out."
189
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,600
- What, she just--just--
- Yeah.
190
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,700
So you had sex
with her?
191
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,201
N-no. She-she came up
to my flat.
192
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,167
So you had sex with her.
193
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:04,667
No, she came up
to my flat.
194
00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:07,467
Patrick really
can't hear the difference
195
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,634
between those sentences.
196
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,167
The thing is, though,
197
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:13,734
- it's been ages
since Tamsin left.
- So?
198
00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:15,134
My flat.
199
00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:16,901
What about it?
200
00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:18,268
Well, think about it.
201
00:11:18,268 --> 00:11:21,334
All that time
I'm living alone
in my flat.
202
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:24,067
- It's a bit...
- What?
203
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:26,334
Unedited.
204
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,800
Um...
205
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,234
He just um'ed?
206
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:35,034
It's getting so a person
can't be a slut anymore.
207
00:11:35,034 --> 00:11:38,234
I just wanted
to see his flat.
208
00:11:38,234 --> 00:11:40,700
Oh, come on.
Even you don't believe that.
209
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,834
Well...
210
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:46,268
There was maybe
a kind of chemistry
happening.
211
00:11:46,268 --> 00:11:49,634
We've seen you in
a state of chemistry.
212
00:11:49,634 --> 00:11:51,867
All across town
dogs start howling.
213
00:11:51,867 --> 00:11:54,400
There's a new scent
on the wind,
214
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,034
and the pets of London
are locked indoors.
215
00:11:57,034 --> 00:12:00,101
You can't always
blame that on me!
216
00:12:01,467 --> 00:12:04,167
Okay, she's gone.
She's left you.
217
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:07,467
Stage one:
you buy a bigger television.
218
00:12:09,034 --> 00:12:10,834
Okay.
Makes sense.
219
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:14,734
Stage two:
you point your chair
directly at the television,
220
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,634
and no one is gonna
come to your flat ever again
221
00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:19,700
and you're alone
in the universe.
222
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,634
Stage three:
223
00:12:21,634 --> 00:12:23,134
This is the bad one.
224
00:12:23,134 --> 00:12:25,234
This is the very bad one.
225
00:12:25,234 --> 00:12:28,067
This is when you know
you've given up on
human contact.
226
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,767
This is when you know
you're not expecting anyone
227
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:36,067
to call round
ever again.
228
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,634
Right.
229
00:12:40,901 --> 00:12:42,901
- Here it is.
- Great.
230
00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:44,533
My flat.
231
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:47,700
This is the door to it.
232
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,567
Pretty much a standard door.
233
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:54,334
Hinges...
234
00:12:54,334 --> 00:12:55,500
Yeah.
235
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:57,201
God, hinges.
236
00:12:57,201 --> 00:12:59,901
- Oliver?
- Yes, of course. door.
237
00:13:01,201 --> 00:13:04,067
Let's get this door
on the road.
238
00:13:05,234 --> 00:13:07,433
One day,
239
00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:10,834
one dark, lonely afternoon...
240
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:14,734
you realize you've
stopped hiding your porn.
241
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,433
It's just lying around
everywhere!
242
00:13:24,433 --> 00:13:27,767
My living room has lost
the battle with nudity.
243
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:30,101
You spend an evening
stoned on my sofa,
244
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:34,467
You think a girl's changing room
is leaking through from
another dimension.
245
00:13:43,334 --> 00:13:47,567
You should not,
in those circumstances,
phone the emergency services.
246
00:13:49,101 --> 00:13:53,101
Behind the door...
They're everywhere!
247
00:13:53,101 --> 00:13:55,734
They're coming!
Over there!
248
00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:01,634
Right, here we are.
249
00:14:03,101 --> 00:14:05,167
My flat.
250
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:10,400
So there I am,
beautiful woman
actually inside my flat.
251
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,600
On the downside, fully dressed.
On the upside, not a photograph.
252
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:20,600
All I can think of is,
I need time.
253
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,268
If she just went to the loo,
I could clear stuff away.
254
00:14:23,268 --> 00:14:27,301
I just needed somehow to suggest
in some subtle way
255
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,767
she needed to visit the loo.
256
00:14:33,634 --> 00:14:36,500
Would you like
to have a pee?
257
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,800
Yes, lovely. Thanks.
258
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,101
Lemon, if you got it.
259
00:14:41,101 --> 00:14:42,800
Lemon?
260
00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:47,567
I'm sorry. I thought
you just offered me
a cup of tea.
261
00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:50,834
Ha ha ha ha!
No, no! Pee!
262
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:56,001
Oh, God, sorry!
No! No!
263
00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:58,600
I'm not offering you
a drink of--
264
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,734
Quite the reverse.
265
00:15:04,234 --> 00:15:05,767
Oh.
266
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:07,567
Oh, I see.
267
00:15:07,567 --> 00:15:11,734
I just meant if you'd like to
avail yourself toiletwards.
268
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:12,934
No, thanks.
269
00:15:14,368 --> 00:15:16,368
Are you sure?
270
00:15:16,368 --> 00:15:18,800
Well...yeah.
271
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,567
It's no trouble.
272
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:22,201
I'm fine, really.
273
00:15:22,201 --> 00:15:25,201
Right. Cool.
274
00:15:25,201 --> 00:15:27,667
Well, it's there
if you want it.
275
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:28,867
Yes.
276
00:15:28,867 --> 00:15:31,067
- Waiting.
- Okay.
277
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:33,268
"Feed me."
278
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,368
Sorry. That was
a horrible image.
279
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:39,734
You know,
280
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:42,934
I really wouldn't
mind that cup of tea.
281
00:15:42,934 --> 00:15:45,734
Yes! Yes, of course!
282
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,734
Could you help yourself?
I've got to check something.
283
00:15:51,734 --> 00:15:52,734
Sure.
284
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:54,234
That's the kettle.
285
00:15:54,234 --> 00:15:55,700
I think I can manage.
286
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,834
As long as you don't
set anything on fire.
287
00:15:57,834 --> 00:16:00,034
I'm sort of on the black list.
288
00:16:02,134 --> 00:16:03,667
Aaah!
289
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:11,201
Aaah!
290
00:16:13,301 --> 00:16:16,034
Couldn't find
the tea bags.
291
00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:17,767
Ah--
292
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:20,667
Are you tidying away
your magazines?
293
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:22,500
Pretty much.
294
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:26,134
Right, can I just ask,
for my own information,
295
00:16:26,134 --> 00:16:28,433
content of magazine-wise,
296
00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:31,600
how much is, um..showing?
297
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,001
Well...
298
00:16:35,001 --> 00:16:37,901
There seems to be a woman
called Nicole...
299
00:16:37,901 --> 00:16:39,433
Okay...
300
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:43,533
...who I don't think
is really Brazilian.
301
00:16:43,533 --> 00:16:45,301
Okay.
302
00:16:45,301 --> 00:16:47,201
Fine.
303
00:16:47,201 --> 00:16:49,067
Good.
304
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:52,234
This is just
so bloody typical
305
00:16:52,234 --> 00:16:55,467
- of this whole damned room!
- Room?
306
00:16:55,467 --> 00:16:58,901
What I've been trying to do--
I expect you've been wondering--
307
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:01,467
is make some vague attempt
308
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:03,600
not to seem like
a complete pervert.
309
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,533
So I'm wondering,
given the contents
of this room,
310
00:17:06,533 --> 00:17:08,867
is there any chance
of me not seeming like
311
00:17:08,867 --> 00:17:11,734
the saddest, loneliest
serial masturbator
312
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:14,334
in the history
of the planet?
313
00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:20,734
(Giggling)
314
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:26,834
What is that woman doing?
315
00:17:26,834 --> 00:17:28,901
She's in a hay loft.
316
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:30,734
She's naked.
317
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:32,867
She's naked
in a hay loft.
318
00:17:32,867 --> 00:17:36,368
I don't understand.
What do you enjoy about this?
319
00:17:36,368 --> 00:17:40,301
Not so much
the hay loft.
More the naked.
320
00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:41,967
But what's the story?
321
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:44,533
Well, there isn't really
a story, as such.
322
00:17:44,533 --> 00:17:47,700
I mean, one minute
she's up here,
323
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:50,767
sitting all...like that--
324
00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:53,400
Well, there really isn't
a plot to work out here.
325
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,634
And the next,
she's over here
bending over.
326
00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:59,301
- What's going on?
- It's just general bending.
327
00:17:59,301 --> 00:18:01,867
Doesn't she know
where the camera is?
328
00:18:01,867 --> 00:18:04,533
I suspect that she does,
in fact.
329
00:18:05,734 --> 00:18:07,467
My God!
330
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:09,134
Oh, please!
331
00:18:09,134 --> 00:18:11,334
- Look at that!
- Yes, I know.
332
00:18:11,334 --> 00:18:15,201
I mean, that's just
a big picture of--of--
333
00:18:15,201 --> 00:18:17,234
Brazil, yes.
334
00:18:17,234 --> 00:18:20,400
Where is the rest
of this woman?!
335
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,400
It could be anywhere.
336
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,334
A hay loft,
a swimming pool,
337
00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:27,867
a strangely 70's bedroom--
There's quite a range.
338
00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:30,767
This is what you enjoy?
This?!
339
00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:32,533
Of course
it's what I enjoy!
340
00:18:32,533 --> 00:18:33,800
I mean, look at it!
341
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:37,567
It's like being...born!
342
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,500
You must have loved that.
343
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,101
Okay, are we finished now?
344
00:18:45,101 --> 00:18:48,034
Or would you
like to search my flat
for embarrassing laundry?
345
00:18:48,034 --> 00:18:51,034
Don't get me wrong, Oliver,
I'm a very sexual person.
346
00:18:51,034 --> 00:18:53,667
In fact,
I'm a very bisexual person,
347
00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:55,268
so I sort of
double up on that.
348
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:58,301
Yeah, yeah.
You're just frightened
of naked people.
349
00:18:58,301 --> 00:19:00,934
There's naked,
And there's naked.
350
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:02,901
And you're not bisexual.
351
00:19:02,901 --> 00:19:04,867
I'm sorry?
352
00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:06,368
I don't buy it.
353
00:19:06,368 --> 00:19:08,567
You don't what?
354
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:11,500
And I don't buy
the crazy, wacky Jane thing.
355
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:15,001
And I don't buy
the you-follow-the-
philosophy-of-plants thing.
356
00:19:15,001 --> 00:19:17,533
I think you're terrified
you're not interesting enough
357
00:19:17,533 --> 00:19:19,001
so you make up
any old rubbish
358
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:20,368
just to try
and get attention.
359
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:22,767
Do me a favor,
look in the mirror.
360
00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:26,433
The way you look--
as if you have to try.
361
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,734
I am so bisexual!
362
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,634
Yeah?
363
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:36,301
Okay!
364
00:19:38,201 --> 00:19:40,634
Jane, I'm a science fiction fan.
365
00:19:40,634 --> 00:19:43,167
I run a science fiction
bookshop.
366
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:44,934
It's the headquarters
of lonely.
367
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,634
I am the boss of sad.
368
00:19:46,634 --> 00:19:49,934
You can fool everyone else,
but you can't fool me.
369
00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:53,500
There's naked,
and there's naked.
370
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,167
How's this for naked?
371
00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:58,067
Well...
372
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,600
Well?
373
00:20:06,433 --> 00:20:08,634
Actually, I prefer videos.
374
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:10,268
What?
375
00:20:10,268 --> 00:20:13,301
I prefer porn in video form.
It's more realistic.
376
00:20:13,301 --> 00:20:15,533
Do you have any of those?
377
00:20:15,533 --> 00:20:17,433
You'd never
be able to handle it.
378
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:20,368
I'll make some more tea.
379
00:20:20,368 --> 00:20:23,667
You see, tea isn't
compatible with porn.
380
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:25,967
The two aren't linked.
381
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:28,001
They're never gonna
be marketed together.
382
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:29,800
I mean, how would that work?
383
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,867
"Double pack--
mags and bags."
384
00:20:31,867 --> 00:20:35,867
"More to the cupful!"
"Rattle your china!"
385
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,368
"I'm a little teapot
short and stout,
386
00:20:38,368 --> 00:20:40,500
here's my handle,
here's my--"
387
00:20:45,134 --> 00:20:46,934
How's this for naked?
388
00:20:48,101 --> 00:20:49,901
Jane--
389
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:51,734
Yes, Oliver?
390
00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:54,167
You're, um...
391
00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:56,167
You're...
392
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:58,901
Yes, I am, Oliver.
393
00:20:58,901 --> 00:21:00,867
Totally, in fact.
394
00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:02,834
Totally, yes.
395
00:21:02,834 --> 00:21:05,600
Right. Thought so.
396
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,433
Aren't you gonna
say anything?
397
00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:14,567
I...really,
398
00:21:14,567 --> 00:21:16,901
really appreciate this.
399
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,533
You're welcome.
400
00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:22,334
Hope you didn't
go to any trouble.
401
00:21:22,334 --> 00:21:24,533
Well...
402
00:21:25,934 --> 00:21:28,134
I just took my clothes off.
403
00:21:28,134 --> 00:21:31,167
That doesn't sound too bad.
404
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:38,134
Right, so, uh...
405
00:21:38,134 --> 00:21:40,201
What's the plan here?
406
00:21:40,201 --> 00:21:42,034
Plan?
407
00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:46,067
With the whole...
nudity element.
408
00:21:46,067 --> 00:21:47,967
Nothing.
409
00:21:47,967 --> 00:21:48,967
Oh.
410
00:21:48,967 --> 00:21:51,567
- Now.
- Oh.
411
00:21:51,567 --> 00:21:53,700
I just wanted to check
412
00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,500
you were happy
with what you saw.
413
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,800
I'm so happy,
I could go off.
414
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,368
Are you free on Tuesday?
415
00:22:01,368 --> 00:22:04,533
Right. Fact is,
I can't actually remember
416
00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:06,867
a single thing about
the rest of my life
at the moment.
417
00:22:06,867 --> 00:22:09,600
I'm not absolutely sure
what Tuesday is.
418
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:14,134
Why don't you
come over to my place
Tuesday evening?
419
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:16,901
Okay.
420
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:22,067
What's gonna happen?
421
00:22:22,067 --> 00:22:27,567
Well, you're gonna
ring on the doorbell,
I'm gonna answer the door...
422
00:22:27,567 --> 00:22:28,901
Right.
423
00:22:28,901 --> 00:22:33,001
- ...and at about midday
the following day...
- Yeah?
424
00:22:33,001 --> 00:22:35,734
...I'll put you down again.
425
00:22:38,867 --> 00:22:43,101
You're a very sweet man,
Oliver Morris.
426
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,368
And, boy...
427
00:22:46,368 --> 00:22:49,767
Am I ever gonna fix that.
428
00:22:53,001 --> 00:22:57,500
I'm just gonna
pop my clothes back on
and head off home.
429
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,301
You don't have
any decent tea, anyway.
430
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,167
This is Tuesday.
431
00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:04,767
I know.
432
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,533
Ladies, I'll be
leaving you now.
433
00:23:09,533 --> 00:23:13,567
Oliver Morris is about
to discover a whole new octave.
434
00:23:15,268 --> 00:23:17,667
- This is tuesday.
- I know.
435
00:23:17,667 --> 00:23:19,067
Fantastic!
436
00:23:19,067 --> 00:23:21,901
- Tonight's the night!
- I know.
437
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:24,101
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be full-on.
438
00:23:24,101 --> 00:23:25,567
You think?
439
00:23:25,567 --> 00:23:29,134
As long as
you don't get nervous
and make an ass of yourself.
440
00:23:29,134 --> 00:23:30,634
Nice one, Patrick.
441
00:23:30,634 --> 00:23:32,834
It's been ages
since I've had sex.
442
00:23:32,834 --> 00:23:35,368
It's probably
changed completely by now!
443
00:23:35,368 --> 00:23:38,201
No, it's basically
the same process.
444
00:23:38,201 --> 00:23:40,800
What if there's
a new erogenous zone?
445
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,334
I can never even find
the old ones.
446
00:23:43,334 --> 00:23:47,001
It's not like they're labeled,
those lying bastard sex manuals.
447
00:23:47,001 --> 00:23:50,934
Like, bother to mention
the dotted lines
aren't for real!
448
00:23:50,934 --> 00:23:53,234
Take it from her ex.
449
00:23:53,234 --> 00:23:57,101
Jane will tell you
where the zones are.
450
00:23:57,101 --> 00:23:59,467
Constantly,
like a running commentary.
451
00:24:04,567 --> 00:24:07,567
Go to it, my friend.
Good luck in there.
452
00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:10,834
Thanks, guys.
I'll be thinking of you.
453
00:24:10,834 --> 00:24:13,400
Probably best not,
actually.
454
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,201
Yeah, you're right.
Good tip.
455
00:24:15,201 --> 00:24:17,167
Okay.
456
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,334
Craziness!
457
00:24:21,867 --> 00:24:25,667
Aw....
He'll be fine.
458
00:24:25,667 --> 00:24:28,667
How did you know?
459
00:24:28,667 --> 00:24:30,167
Know what?
460
00:24:30,167 --> 00:24:33,934
About Jane.
About the running
zone commentary.
461
00:24:33,934 --> 00:24:35,667
You've never
slept with her.
462
00:24:35,667 --> 00:24:38,134
Of course I have.
463
00:24:39,867 --> 00:24:42,334
But you--you told Sally--
464
00:24:42,334 --> 00:24:47,034
on the phone that night,
when we had the big
unstoppable phone call!
465
00:24:47,034 --> 00:24:49,834
You swore you'd never
slept with Jane!
466
00:24:49,834 --> 00:24:53,101
Right. Yes, uh...
467
00:24:53,101 --> 00:24:54,667
Of course.
468
00:24:54,667 --> 00:24:56,101
Good point.
469
00:24:56,101 --> 00:24:58,767
But, you see,
470
00:24:58,767 --> 00:25:01,834
when you asked me
if I'd slept with Jane
471
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:05,934
and I said, "Yes, I have,"
what I meant was...
472
00:25:05,934 --> 00:25:08,334
"No, I haven't."
473
00:25:08,334 --> 00:25:10,667
You slept with Jane?!
474
00:25:10,667 --> 00:25:13,001
No, of course not.
Never happened.
475
00:25:13,001 --> 00:25:15,334
And that's my last word
on the subject.
476
00:25:15,334 --> 00:25:19,234
Patrick, I know you.
You can't keep a lie
like this going.
477
00:25:19,234 --> 00:25:20,500
Yes, I can.
478
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,234
Damnit!
479
00:25:24,467 --> 00:25:27,567
Jesus, Patrick,
if you've lied to Sally--
480
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,167
I have not lied to Sally.
481
00:25:29,167 --> 00:25:31,800
Okay. When did this happen?
482
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,067
The lying
or the sleeping with Jane?
Damnit!!!
483
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:40,101
- This was before Sally, right?
- Ages before.
484
00:25:40,101 --> 00:25:43,334
Look, can we stop with
the trick questions, please?
485
00:25:43,334 --> 00:25:46,368
Of course, if Jane starts
being in a couple,
486
00:25:46,368 --> 00:25:50,067
then her function
as spinster comparison
will be out the window.
487
00:25:50,067 --> 00:25:52,268
And frankly, I think
we need to keep one of us--
488
00:25:52,268 --> 00:25:54,901
- Oh, my God.
- What?
489
00:25:54,901 --> 00:25:58,467
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
490
00:25:58,467 --> 00:26:00,500
- What are you doing?
- Phoning Steve.
491
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:02,500
Steve doesn't need
to know about this.
492
00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:05,700
This is never gonna fly.
You have to tell her.
493
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:07,734
(Cell phone rings)
494
00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:08,901
Yeah?
495
00:26:08,901 --> 00:26:11,134
Hi, darling, it's me.
I've got big news.
496
00:26:11,134 --> 00:26:13,734
- If it's Jane and Oliver,
I've just heard.
- Bigger than that.
497
00:26:13,734 --> 00:26:15,767
What, Jane and Patrick?
You heard about that too?
498
00:26:15,767 --> 00:26:18,734
Jane and Patrick?!
499
00:26:18,734 --> 00:26:21,201
Jane and Patrick?
500
00:26:22,567 --> 00:26:24,433
Susan?
501
00:26:24,433 --> 00:26:28,901
Please, don't tell Sally
I slept with Jane.
502
00:26:28,901 --> 00:26:31,901
Because anyway,
it didn't happen.
503
00:26:31,901 --> 00:26:34,600
And also it was
years ago. Okay?
504
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:38,268
"Okay" is not the word.
505
00:26:38,268 --> 00:26:39,567
Sally?
506
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:41,734
Darling.
507
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:43,834
Hello.
508
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,234
So, you slept with Jane
and didn't tell me.
509
00:26:49,234 --> 00:26:51,201
I can explain everything.
510
00:26:51,201 --> 00:26:52,700
(Mouthing words)
511
00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:55,301
I'm listening.
512
00:26:55,301 --> 00:27:00,400
I was gonna tell you about it,
but instead, I lied.
513
00:27:01,834 --> 00:27:04,400
Did you video it?
514
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,034
What?
515
00:27:06,034 --> 00:27:08,834
You videotaped
most of your conquests.
516
00:27:08,834 --> 00:27:11,433
Is there a video of Jane
in your cupboard?
517
00:27:11,433 --> 00:27:14,533
Don't be daft.
Only an idiot
would keep the tape.
518
00:27:14,533 --> 00:27:16,867
Thank you, Susan.
519
00:27:16,867 --> 00:27:21,134
Well, that will make
interesting viewing.
520
00:27:21,134 --> 00:27:23,967
No, no! Sally,
you can't go!
521
00:27:23,967 --> 00:27:26,201
Sorry, this is an emergency.
522
00:27:26,201 --> 00:27:27,334
Yes, it is!
523
00:27:27,334 --> 00:27:29,400
Is Sally going to my flat?
Bloody hell!
524
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,268
Sorry, Steve.
I've gotta go.
525
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,301
Blimey!
526
00:27:36,301 --> 00:27:38,500
It's all happening,
isn't it?
527
00:27:38,500 --> 00:27:39,667
Yes, it is.
528
00:27:39,667 --> 00:27:43,500
Well, the shit's really
hit the fan now.
529
00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:46,867
Yes, Steve.
As have my waters.
530
00:27:46,867 --> 00:27:48,667
Yeah.
What?!
531
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:51,600
My water's just broke.
532
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,867
The big news is,
I've just gone into labor.
533
00:27:54,867 --> 00:27:56,167
Oh, my God!
534
00:27:56,167 --> 00:27:57,600
Yes!
535
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,667
Wh-what do I--
536
00:28:00,734 --> 00:28:02,934
I-I-I don't--
537
00:28:02,934 --> 00:28:04,334
Me, neither!
538
00:28:04,334 --> 00:28:06,134
How do you feel?
539
00:28:06,134 --> 00:28:09,467
Like...I'm having a baby.
540
00:28:09,467 --> 00:28:11,600
Yeah...
541
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,167
Me, too.
542
00:28:19,934 --> 00:28:23,034
* If you can't
make your mind up *
543
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:27,368
* We'll never get started *
544
00:28:28,867 --> 00:28:31,867
* And I don't want to wind up *
545
00:28:31,867 --> 00:28:34,201
* Being parted
546
00:28:34,201 --> 00:28:36,567
* Broken-hearted
547
00:28:37,901 --> 00:28:41,101
* So if you really love me
548
00:28:41,101 --> 00:28:43,001
* Say yes
549
00:28:43,001 --> 00:28:45,700
* And please don't tell me *
550
00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:46,800
* Perhaps
551
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:47,934
* Perhaps
552
00:28:47,934 --> 00:28:49,734
* Perhaps
553
00:28:50,305 --> 00:28:56,448
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