Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[sirens wailing]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

Hello! Oh, my God!

Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you!

Thank you so much! Welcome to Patriot Act!

I'm Hasan Minhaj. Thank you.

This is your home for news and mid-'90s basketball references.

Everyone, settle in. It's about to get depressing.

Remember the fun we had last week?

Talking about sneakers and hoodies? That's over, because tonight

we are talking about one of the most disturbing policies

in America right now,

our ruthless immigration enforcement.

Since the start of his campaign,

the president has been demonizing and scapegoating immigrants and refugees.

But in the last year, that demonization has morphed into outright persecution.

Migrant families crossing the border have been broken up, detained,

and children still in diapers were thrown in cages.

And much of this brutal crackdown has been at the hands

of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE.

ICE agents arrested a father of five

while he was taking his daughter to school.

A Vietnamese man has died in ICE custody here in Arizona.

He's the seventh detainee to die in ICE custody since October.

[woman] After 15 years of marriage,

Cindy Garcia had to say goodbye to her husband.

During the Obama administration, ICE granted stays several times.

Then, President Trump came into office.

The phrase "And then, Trump came into office"

is like the phrase "Is that Alec Baldwin?"

[audience laughs]

You know shit's about to get fucked up right after that phrase.

ICE is one of the most hated government agencies.

It makes people hear about the NSA and go, "Wow. They seem like the good guys."

One of ICE's main functions is to detain and deport illegal immigrants.

But under Trump, it seems like ICE is doing it

in the cruelest ways imaginable.

There are two main types of deportations; there's border and interior.

Border deportations are exactly what they sound like.

Historically, these have made up the bulk of deportations.

Anyone caught near the border just after an illegal crossing is sent back.

Interior deportations happen anywhere in the country.

They tend to involve people who've established roots

and often have no criminal record.

We've all heard these tragic stories - people torn from their communities.

But it wasn't always like this. When Obama took office,

he continued Bush-era policies,

and his deportation numbers were astronomical.

If you're shocked by that,

you obviously are forgetting his campaign slogan:

"Yes, we can... kick out more Guatemalans."

[audience laughing]

You guys never heard the whole thing!

You were cheering too loud. You never let him finish.

But it's cool. He was good at basketball and he could dance.

But eventually...

Obama prioritized only deporting people with criminal records,

so his numbers started going way down.

Once Trump took office, he immediately reversed course,

and in two years, you see a massive jump in arrests.

[man] Under President Trump, arrests are up 42%

compared to under president Obama.

And while criminal arrests

under both administrations were about the same,

non-criminal arrests saw a 334% spike under President Trump.

"Non-criminal arrest" is such an oxymoron.

It's like "chatty Clarence Thomas" or "remorseful Louis CK."

I don't know, is he sorry? Who knows.

He's not really addressing it right now.

Now, as much as Trump loves to say he's going after "bad hombres,"

that's not who he's targeting.

In fact, just one month into Trump's presidency,

deportation officers were explicitly told

to take action against all removable aliens,

which basically meant, "Deport everyone, no matter what."

Let's be honest...

Trump treats all undocumented immigrants like criminals.

And the way ICE is set up makes it easier for him to do that.

ICE is part of the Department of Homeland Security,

an agency that was created in response to 9/11,

to protect us from terrorism.

Before that, immigration enforcement was handled by the Department of Justice.

Before that, the Department of Labor. That was so long ago, it sounds quaint.

Like when dick appointments were called "dates."

[audience laughs]

It was a simpler time.

I didn't even know what the fuck "dick appointments" were.

And then I had to ask the writers, like, "Is this a thing?"

Like, "There's a Google Calendar? You send an invite?" [chuckles]

And then I'm like, "Do we send-- How does it...?"

I've been out of it so long, man!

People are out here scheduling them like dentist appointments.

It's fucking crazy!

Immigration first fell to an agency that oversees jobs,

then law enforcement, then terrorism prevention.

We went from immigrants are coming to work

to immigrants are going to kill you.

We inextricably linked immigration with terrorism.

Combine that with ICE's broad mandate to round up all undocumented immigrants,

and it has led to some truly inhumane treatment,

which is part of why ICE is facing so much backlash.

People are clamoring to abolish ICE. They want nothing to do with it.

And it turns out, even ICE doesn't want anything to do with ICE.

There are actually three different divisions of ICE.

They're called HSI, OPLA, and ERO. Think of them like the Franco brothers.

OPLA is the Office of the Principal Legal Advisor.

It's like Tom Franco - he's irrelevant,

and you didn't know he existed until I said his name.

Bye, Tom. Don't worry about him.

ERO is Enforcement and Removal Operations.

They do the aggressive shit:

immigration raids, detaining, cuffing construction workers.

They're like James Franco.

They attract the most media attention,

they have to defend against claims of harassment,

and they've subjected people to abuse in dark rooms for long periods of time.

The third branch is HSI, or Homeland Security Investigations.

HSI is like Dave Franco.

It puts out an uneven, but at times respectable, body of work,

quietly and methodically.

Now, Dave isn't perfect, but he does the important shit.

Like cracking down on transnational crime.

HSBC about to pay big time

after allegations of money laundering linked to Iran and Mexican drug cartels.

The New York Times reports a record settlement, $1.9 billion.

Do you know how hard it is to get a bank to face consequences for its actions?

Seriously.

Wells Fargo has been forgiven more times than Ted Kennedy.

HSI also takes down child pornographers,

fights cartels and drug dealers, busts human traffickers,

and most importantly, they take down those sick motherfuckers pirating DVDs.

Who is still illegally burning DVDs?

Like, if you see the blanket DVD man,

you'll just be like, "Dude, I don't want Titanic."

But HSI is getting tired of ERO.

Let me put this back in Franco terms.

James is getting into so much messed up shit,

Dave wants out of the family. [chuckles]

A bombshell request by top federal officials

within Immigrations and Customs Enforcement.

[woman] Senior agents have written this letter

to the Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen,

asking for their part of ICE to be divorced from the rest of ICE,

because being associated

with the administration's hard-line immigration policies

is making it harder for them to do their important national security work.

This is unprecedented.

Seasoned HSI agents, the ones who run criminal investigations,

sent a letter to Homeland Security, basically saying,

"Yo, we wanna bounce. ERO is so bad, we can't do our jobs."

ERO is so radioactive,

people are distancing themselves from them,

like it's a Woody Allen movie they were starring in. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

They'd be like, "Yo, you were amazing in Midnight in Paris."

-"I wasn't in that movie." -"Yeah, you were. IMDb said you were."

Even local police departments hate ICE!

In L.A., ICE officers routinely announce themselves

as police officers

when conducting immigration arrests.

And the LAPD hates that.

City officials publicly asked ICE officers

to stop identifying themselves as police.

ICE has made people afraid to cooperate with the police or ask for help,

because they're afraid they will be deported.

Okay, let's just take that in for a second.

Do you know how messed up you have to be for the LAPD to say,

"Hey, you're making us look bad."

[man] The Los Angeles Police Department has a history of brutality and misconduct.

[man 2] One of the most famous and revolting home movies ever made.

[man 3] An officer picking up a small bag of cocaine

before allegedly putting the drugs inside the defendant's wallet.

Today, we got to hear Mark Fuhrman using the so-called N-word over and over again.

[chuckles] I love how he's like, "so-called N-word."

Like it's fucking Narnia. It's not, it's a real thing that exists.

The Trump administration's immigration policies are so cruel

they sometimes defy understanding.

Here, children as young as three or four

are expected to try and tell their stories to an immigration judge, alone.

About half of all immigrant children go to court without an attorney.

Nine out of ten of those children will be deported.

That's what we're doing to children in America in 2018.

To make any sense of this,

you need to understand the mastermind behind all of this,

Trump's anti-immigrant hype man and senior advisor to the president,

Stephen Miller.

He was instrumental in blowing up DACA negotiations,

he also pushed for the Muslim ban and family separation.

And he's called birthright citizenship

an absolute perversion of the 14th amendment.

If this human 4chan thread had his way, I would not be an American citizen.

Brick by brick, that wall is gonna get built.

I'd happen to know better than you, Jake, how the travel ban was written.

I'm prepared to go on any show, anywhere, anytime and repeat it,

and say that president of the United States is correct 100%.

"I will go on any show, anytime, anywhere.

I'll do it on Fox & Friends, Tucker Carlson,

Chicago Med, Chicago P.D., Chicago Fire, any of the Chicagos,

and Wendy motherfucking Williams,

and let everyone know, Donald Trump is 100% right."

What is his deal?

What the fuck is wrong with him? Like, I've thought about this for a...

You know how every villain has an origin story?

Like Voldemort being abandoned by his muggle father.

Or Magneto being tortured by Nazi scientists.

Or Ted Cruz being cursed by a racist toad.

Everyone has a beginning.

Now, we did some digging and we unearthed some lost footage -

no one has really seen this -

that provides a window into Stephen Miller's...

Well, not a soul, he doesn't have a soul, but...

This is what Stephen Miller was like in high school.

I always eat steak before I play tennis.

It's important to get... uh... the dead meat in your body.

I haven't had sex yet. I'm going to wait until I find that perfect woman.

So, if I have to wait until 40,

then I'll probably be dead in a pool of blood.

Apparently, you're supposed to go to bed at nighttime.

Usually, I sit in my room like this:

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha!

That tennis incel is now senior advisor to the president.

He can whisper sweet nothings into DJT's ear.

One thing about Stephen Miller: he's always been advanced for his age.

I was talking to my doctor the other day and I said to him,

"Well, you know, I'm 17, I'm pretty sexy."

[friends laughing]

"Everything's going the way I want it to.

You know, I play good tennis. But something's just not going right.

My hair's just receding. I look like I'm 35.

And a balding 35-year-old at that."

Okay, did your hair leave you, or did you just deport it for being brown?

[cheering, applauding]

You know what's sad?

I feel like, in an alternate universe, all of this could've been avoided

if the doctor had just given him Propecia.

I'm serious. Bro, people, we know this.

Coconut oil, tel, and prayer for Stephen's hairline

could've changed history and brought families together again.

But Stephen has always known who he is.

In high school, he ran for student government,

and this was his campaign promise.

Every candidate that's ever been elected has failed to do one important thing.

I will say and I will do things

that no one else in their right mind would say or do.

And he's been making good on that promise ever since.

Here he is in college at Duke.

You know how in college we all had that passion project,

like, "I'm gonna take an improv class. And printmaking."

This was Stephen Miller's.

With us right now is Stephen Miller, national campus coordinator

and co-founder for the Terrorism Awareness Project.

I realized that there was this tremendous lack of information

about the threat of radical Islam. Please go to TerrorismAwareness.org.

If you're a kid, we'll set you up a chapter on your campus.

-[man] Well, you are smart. Yeah. -[woman] You're smart.

I watch Fox & Friends every morning. That probably has something to do with it.

Steve Doocy saying you are smart is not a compliment.

He says that to a touch screen menu at McDonald's.

Like, "Oh wow, you're smart. The hash browns, I can push up a...

This is a smart screen."

I bet Christian Laettner saw this and was like,

"Finally! Someone from Duke more hateable than me!" [chuckles]

We actually found an old copy of TerrorismAwareness on the internet.

We went to archive.org, and so can you, and found his old website. Please enjoy.

["Carmina Burana" playing]

Somehow, that website was made after 9/11, but before 1997.

[audience applauds]

Now, remember, kids: the Internet is forever.

There are only two things in the world that are forever:

the Internet and the United States occupying Afghanistan.

But it wasn't all "Carmina Burana" and GeoCities jihad for Stephen Miller.

He also found some time to let loose.

[Neil Diamond's "America" playing over radio]

Far We've been traveling far

Without a home

But not without a star

The song he's singing is "Coming to America" by Neil Diamond.

It's one of the most pro-immigration songs ever written.

It's a song I would sing in elementary school

during music class. We'd all be like,

Everywhere around the world

[imitates guitar sounds]

We're coming to America

White kids, brown kids.

Everywhere around the world

[imitates guitar sounds]

We're coming to America

It's such an uplifting song,

but Stephen Miller was the only one who grew up and was like, "Oh shit.

[audience laughs]

They're coming to America."

And that paranoia is why Stephen Miller and Donald Trump

have been obsessed with the migrant caravan.

[man] Several thousand individuals now continuing to make their way north.

If we're not prepared to stop this caravan,

how big will the next one be?

Some people call it an invasion. It's like an invasion.

I love how when thousands of brown people show up in a group, it's an invasion,

but when thousands of white people do the same thing, it's a "Phish concert."

Can you imagine if they saw this crowd here tonight?

They'd be like, "They've invaded the Upper West Side of New York!

What's going on! It's spreading!"

[audience applauding]

No. It's dental students and dick appointments, that's it.

This invasion

started as a small group of Hondurans largely fleeing gang violence.

They're seeking safety, because Honduras consistently has

one of the highest murder rates in the world.

And the whole reason they're traveling in a caravan

is because there's safety in numbers.

But that's not how Trump sees it.

Go into the middle and search.

You're gonna find MS-13,

you're gonna find Middle Eastern, you're gonna find everything.

When you look at that caravan... A big percentage of men. Young. Strong.

A lot of bad people. A lot of bad people in there.

Bad people and big strong men? I thought you liked big strong men.

And then...

Trump's white friend joined in.

It's inconceivable that there are not, um...

uh, people of Middle Eastern descent in a crowd of more than 7,000 people

advancing toward our border.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Mike Pence can't conceive that ISIS isn't in the caravan,

but he can conceive while calling his wife mother.

I don't know. Life...

Life is complicated.

[audience applauds]

I'm just hung up on how Pence thought the terrorism geography would work out.

Like, a gang member in Honduras

is just going through his favs and calls up his friend in ISIS:

"We're putting together a caravan. We'll hit the border. You down?"

"Yeah, let me just hit kayak.com and look for discounts.

I'm gonna fly from Baghdad to Istanbul, then to Oslo,

then Fort Lauderdale, 'cause you gotta go through fucking Florida, then to Honduras,

then I'm gonna hop on a caravan for 3,000 miles to a port of entry,

apply for asylum, get vetted, wait months to plead my case,

then I get into America, hold out for that perfect moment, and then...

Sharia law spreads across the United States.

I convert every single US citizen to Islam, willingly or unwillingly.

We replace every Dave & Buster's with mosques.

The US becomes a Muslim country. Thank you, jihad!"

That is never gonna happen, Stephen!

Make no mistake,

no matter what,

the Trump administration will keep beating the drum

about the dangers of outsiders coming into this country.

Whether it's immigrants or refugees.

They did it in the midterms, and they're gonna do it again for 2020.

They don't care that there's a difference. They're gonna keep telling you

melanin monsters are going to come here and eat your children

Game of Thrones-style.

It fires up their base, and it's just political theater.

I can't believe that I have to use crazy screens

to explain all of this, but here we go.

Up first, refugees between 1975 and 2015 -

a total of three Americans were killed by refugee terrorists.

That means more Americans have died from swallowing laundry detergent,

Pok?mon Go mishaps, eating bad cucumbers,

and selfies that totally weren't worth it.

You know what's weird?

That camel probably was like, "Tastes like chicken!"

That woman survived, but this is real. They're called killfies.

It sounds like an episode of Black Mirror,

but it's actually what happens

when you try to take a selfie and accidentally die.

And when that happens, it's the only time your body and photo

are both uploaded to the cloud.

Refugees have killed fewer Americans than duckface.

This isn't just cherry-picked liberal-snowflake data.

According to the Cato Institute, a Libertarian think tank,

the chances of being killed by a refugee terrorist

are one in 3.6 billion.

It's not gonna happen.

You have a better chance of actually being a Franco brother.

And that is just refugees.

The odds of immigrants committing violent crime are also low.

Since 1980, the immigrant share of the U.S. population has more than doubled.

At the same time,

the violent crime rate has decreased by more than a third.

You see that area right there, that big gap?

That's immigrant dads yelling at their kids,

"Don't fuck this up. They'll deport us.

We are darpoks, okay? We're not gonna get in trouble."

Research has shown time and time again that immigrants,

documented or undocumented,

do not contribute to an increase in violent crime.

But try telling that to Donald Trump.

I always hear that, "Oh, no,

the population is safer than the people that live in the country."

You've heard that, fellas, right? You've heard that.

I hear that so much and I say, "Is that possible?"

The answer is, it's not true.

You hear it's like they're better people than what we have,

than our citizens, it's not true.

No, it is true!

Trump uses true and untrue interchangeably.

Is that like aloha for him?

No, it's the same thing.

Using ICE to ramp up deportations

isn't the only way that the Trump administration

is making it more difficult for immigrants.

The Trump administration will slash the number of refugee admissions

to record lows next year.

This year's cap of 45,000 will be lowered to 30,000 in 2019.

As a country, we have always prided ourselves

on being a sanctuary for the world's huddled masses fleeing persecution.

And Trump is like, "Yeah, nah."

Obviously, we need to have systems in place to have a secure border.

But all that fearmongering about violent immigrants

has been taking focus away from very real violent threats.

The number of reported hate crimes in the United States rose in 2016,

the year Donald Trump was elected president.

The second consecutive year the figures have increased.

[man] For two decades, domestic counterterrorism strategy

has ignored the rising danger of far-right extremism.

Incidents of right-wing terrorism have spiked in the last few years,

and it doesn't seem like the Trump administration cares.

And if you feel like Trump's demonization of outsiders

doesn't have an effect on the rise of right-wing terrorism,

then look no further than what happened in Pittsburgh last month.

The accused gunman behind the Pittsburgh synagogue massacre

appeared in court today.

Robert Bowers is facing murder and hate crime charges.

[man] Like the president, he referred to migrants as invaders.

He had particular hatred for HIAS,

Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society,

which helps resettle immigrants of all backgrounds.

A deranged right-wing extremist

was so enraged over the threat of refugees invading America in the caravan,

that he decided to take action.

Police say he walked into a synagogue and murdered 11 people.

This was the deadliest terrorist attack on Jews in American history.

So you would think

it would be a top priority for the Department of Homeland Security -

but it wasn't.

DHS held a conference call just days after the shooting

where they reportedly only talked about the migrant caravan

instead of the synagogue shooting.

This hard-line approach to immigration enforcement isn't just needlessly cruel.

It is completely misguided, and it makes all of us less safe.

We are a country of immigrants.

But when you see Trump say there are good people on both sides,

when you see ICE going after undocumented immigrants, no-holds-barred,

and you see how little attention is paid on the growing threat

of right-wing terrorism,

it's hard not to feel like we are turning our backs

on our own history.

If these people are willing to risk their lives

to travel 3,000 miles and apply for asylum at our borders,

we owe it to them to at least look over their application.

Because, at some point, someone was willing to look over ours.

-[theme music playing] -[audience cheering]

Thank you.

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