Original subtitles

-[theme music playing] -[crowd chanting]

[siren wailing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Hey, hello!

Thank you so much, welcome to Patriot Act.

I'm Hasan Minhaj. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. Thank you.

Thank you so much!

Wow, thank you! All right, settle in, settle in, settle in.

Tonight I wanna talk about America's obsession with oil.

When I say oil, I'm not talking about the weird stuff

Gwyneth Paltrow sells on Goop.

I am talking about oil--

black gold, Texas tea, Saudi sauce, Cheney lotion-- oil.

And unless you're one of the people Al Gore pays to hang out with him,

you probably had no idea

that what could be one of the biggest oil spills in American history

is happening right now in the Gulf of Mexico.

[man] The Taylor Energy oil spill. Never heard of it? Well, you're not alone.

[woman] The spill has been quietly leaking millions of barrels

off Louisiana since 2004.

Taylor Energy acted like its Gulf oil leak from 14 years ago was no big deal.

In fact, the�high-end estimate from the new report

would make the Taylor leak one of the largest oil spills in US history.

This oil spill has been going on since 2004.

2004 was so long ago. Let me do the way-back math for you.

2004 is when College Dropout came out.

George W. Bush was still the worst president in American history.

And I was wearing two popped collars unironically.

[cheering, applause]

Do you understand the sacrifice I just made to get that laugh?

This picture will now be on the internet forever.

I look like if Kumail Nanjiani ate Kid Rock.

All that hair gel and I still didn't have the guts to touch a girl!

I went full hover hand.

I gave my wife the halal hand.

And while I was looking like a dude named Chad in brownface,

this was happening in Louisiana.

[woman] A Taylor Energy platform sank in a mudslide

that hurricane Ivan triggered back in 2004.

[woman 2] The president of Taylor Energy Company

told a gathering of industry experts and environmental advocates

the leak was caused by "an act of God event.

"Act of God" is a legal clause that companies invoke

that lets them off the hook for things they say isn't their fault,

and it's such a bullshit excuse.

Claiming an act of God is the worst excuse after "Sorry! Just now seeing this text!"

It's bullshit, Vinay.

I know you were watching porn the entire time.

And it was hosted by AWS.

Taylor Energy has been accused of trying to keep the spill a secret

and is trying to get out of paying more cleanup costs.

The only reason we know about the Taylor oil spill

is because someone stumbled on it while monitoring the BP oil spill.

What the fuck, man?

We only know about this oil spill because of another oil spill?

That's like walking in on your wife in bed with another guy,

and that guy is Guy Fieri.

This is the problem:

no one notices the Taylor oil spill

because it's a disaster taking place over a long period of time,

like Derrick Rose's career.

[audience groans]

[chuckles]

Are you really groaning?

People get mad about that joke, they're like...�[shouts]

"Hey, he scored 50 points the other night!"

Yeah, and then he twisted his ankle a few games later.

You know what I love?

You could replace Derrick Rose with Carmelo Anthony, and it still works.

Stay Melo.

But no one is paying attention to the Taylor oil spill.

If you want your oil spill to make the news,

it's gotta be sexy.

Exxon Valdez was a dramatic shipwreck with a boozing captain.

Deepwater Horizon, there was an explosion!

These are the oil spills that sell movie tickets.

These are the oil spills that get people excited.

They even sell soap!

Specifically, Dawn detergent.

[man] To help save wildlife affected by oil spills,

rescue workers have opened up a lot of Dawn.

Go to facebook.com, DawnSavesWildlife.

What are you doing, Dawn?

Don't cash in on a disaster to sell soap.

That's like being like, "Police brutality is bad,

but Tide will help you clean up the bloodstains."

Unfortunately, oil spills like Taylor Energy,

the ones we never hear about, are not the exception.

They're the rule.

Offshore oil spills happen all the time.

This is a time-lapse of nearly 10,000 oil spills in the gulf

from 2010 to 2015.

It's like watching the Gulf of Mexico get chlamydia.

Here's the terrifying part:

oil spills are gonna keep happening

because the US is producing more oil than ever.

[woman] Move over, Russia and Saudi Arabia.

The US is the world's largest crude oil producer.

[screams]

America is number one in oil production in the world.

We are now number one

in prison population, healthcare costs, defense spending,

and we have the biggest gaps in bathroom stalls.

Seriously. Other countries don't do this. It's creepy.

Close the gap, use a lota, please.

Ten years ago

the US was producing around five million barrels of crude oil a day.

This June we hit almost 11 million,

or roughly the amount of Polo Sport I was wearing in this photo.

We're not just getting all this oil from oil fields or offshore rigs.

We are drilling anywhere we can.

Experts say the oil-and-gas boom in Colorado is just beginning.

[man] Current regulations say oil and gas developments

can't be located within 500 feet of homes and 1,000 feet of schools.

There are more than 3,000 oil wells scattered across South Los Angeles.

Sometimes the drilling is behind the scenes.

No office workers in this building.

It's actually disguising an oil rig.

That oil rig was acting like a building?

I bet in five years we'll find out it was Daniel Day-Lewis the entire time.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like we can't have any oil.

A lot of what we make and do requires oil.

But that doesn't mean we have to keep burning though it

like it's an NFL rookie's salary.

Other countries are figuring this out.

Denmark is on track to generate 69% of its electricity from renewables.

India plans on building some of the largest solar parks in the world.

A Chinese energy company is planning to build new solar plants

in the shape of pandas.

That's the most endearing thing an authoritarian regime has done

since Gaddafi wore that big-ass Africa pin.

Nicolas Sarkozy is looking at Gaddafi like,

"If I just stand here, can they just photoshop me out of the picture?"

And Gaddafi's like, "Whatever, man. You know I'm Libyan Flavor Flav."

I've always loved that from the neck down Gaddafi was fresh as fuck.

And then from the neck up he looked like North African Rick James.

How did we get here? How did we become number one in oil production?

Well...

Like unironic mustaches and plot-based pornography, it began in the 1970s.

Back in those days, the US got a lot of its oil

from a group of countries known as OPEC,

the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries.

The OPEC states were a team, like the Avengers,

except the only Infinity War is Iraq.

In 1973, OPEC's Arab nations refused to sell oil

to countries that supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War.

And America was one of those countries. And embargo drove up gas prices.

People panicked there wouldn't be enough gas.

And without gas, no one could drive to their dealer's house for cocaine.

Or return that Bill Cosby album they borrowed.

It was a very scary time.

This was a massive wake-up call for America.

It's when we realized we were OPEC's bitch,

and we were like, "Never again!"

So the federal government banned most oil exports

to make sure America always had extra reserves.

When Carter became president in 1977,

he encouraged Americans to reduce energy consumption.

He championed renewables.

He installed solar panels on the White House.

This is the '70s.

He even wore sweaters instead of turning on the heat.

Simply by keeping our thermostats, for instance,

at 65 degrees in the daytime and 55 degrees at night,

we could save half the current shortage of natural gas.

And America looked at "President Cardigan"

and responded with a big fat "Fuck you, Jimmy Carter!"

In 1981, Reagan becomes president, and he's like,

"Yeah, fiddlesticks to this conservation bull-malarkey."

I don't know. Is that how Reagan talked?

In my head, I just thought he was like, "Fiddlesticks!"

He tears down Carter's solar panels,

he gets rid of all the remaining federal controls over oil production,

and just for fun, he decides to ignore the AIDS epidemic.

Then we had George Bush Sr., who was an oil man.

Bill Clinton who was an oily man.

And George W. Bush. You know his deal.

Cut to 2015.

The oil export ban from 1975 was still in effect,

and while president Obama prioritized wind and solar,

he also signed off on lifting the ban, which meant even more oil production.

Basically, the last 50 years has been fossil fuels battling renewables.

Just look at the solar panel beef between Carter and Reagan.

Last year Jimmy Carter put solar panels on his peanut farm,

which probably looked like this.

That's right.

Jimmy C, Cardigan Man, is playing the long game like a savage.

This was his version of Ether.

He was like, "Boom, boom, boom! Fuck you, Gipper."

Battle lines between oil and renewables are being drawn all over the country,

especially in Texas, home to the largest oil field in America.

The Permian Basin, you know about that?

It is a gigantic lake of oil just under the ground.

Texas is on track right now to surpass Iran and Iraq

and eventually be the third largest oil producer in the world.

Weirdly, Texas is also just behind Iran and Iraq

in how many dudes are just walking around with assault rifles.

For decades, we've been drilling in the Permian Basin,

but oil production has skyrocketed in the last ten years

thanks to huge technological advances in drilling and hydraulic fracking.

Now, I would love to explain how hydraulic fracking works,

but I can't top this description of it.

Shale yeah! This is so American!

Find it, drill it, give the Earth a safe and loving enema,

flood the markets and tell Russia

they can eat a bag of hockey sticks with their dirty gas.

I can't believe Fox News is talking about consensual and pleasurable butt stuff.

You know they hate that.

Drilling and fracking in the Permian Basin

is a big reason America shot to number one on the oil charts.

Texas oil production could double by 2023.

The only thing that should double that quickly is the value of bitcoin.

Just kidding. That was a garbage investment, and you're an idiot.

Bitcoin is just Beanie Babies for tech bros.

Look, man, every person I went to high school with was like,

"Yo, bitcoin is gonna change your life. BTC. Get on it right now."

And I'm like, "Tommy Wilson, you work at OfficeMax.

What the fuck are you talking about?"

Oh, by the way! By the way,

Hey, internet comments, it's trading at 6.5k. Go fuck yourself.

Look, Texas doesn't need to double oil production.

It has other options.

[man] Texas is where you'll find the most wind industry jobs.

The traditionally conservative state

is leading the way for renewable energy across the nation.

Texas is leading the country in wind?

That'd be like if you went to med school for neuroscience

and your professor was Roger Goodell.

You won't be surprised to learn the oil industry isn't going down without a fight.

Check out these ads from the Texas Public Policy Foundation,

a right-wing think tank that wants you to hate the wind.

I see these advertisements on television, and they have windmills in the background.

People think, "Oh, they're so pretty."

Well, they're not pretty to us when we're surrounded by them.

I'm exhausted.

We stay that way.

You don't rest good at night, you work hard during the day,

and that's strictly because of the turbines.

The wind towers are not about the wind, they're about the money.

Yeah, no shit.

Of course it's about the money. No one gets into oil to find themselves.

This ad wants you to believe two things: the wind is as dangerous as MS-13,

and the only reason wind turbines are profitable is because of government money.

Renewables do get government subsidies,

but overall fossil fuels have received far more.

Remember the Permian Basin, that lake of oil?

Studies show almost half of the new oil fields in the Permian Basin

wouldn't be profitable without subsidies and tax breaks.

The cost lines have crossed,

and renewables and storage are cheaper than fossil fuels.

We see even states run by Republican governors...

They are investing in renewable energy. It's cheaper.

Yet, as a country, we are still extracting oil and gas at record levels.

And the Trump administration could not be happier about that.

When it comes to renewable energy,

it feels like Trump's only interested in one thing.

You can blow up the windmills, you know, the windmills...

[imitates turbine]

Bing! That's the end of that windmill.

For the record, he keeps calling them windmills.

This is a windmill. They make flour.

They tempt fanciful Spaniards and obstruct miniature golf holes.

Wind turbines make power.

And no one will tell DJT the difference,

because the administration is full of people with close ties

to the oil and gas industry.

My personal favorite is this man-- William Happer.

He's a member of Trump's�National Security Council.

The demonization of carbon dioxide

is just like the demonization of the poor Jews under Hitler.

Carbon dioxide is actually a benefit to the world and so were the Jews.

Yeah, sure.

Compare Jews to a toxic gas.

It's not like there's any sensitive history between those two groups.

Since entering office,

the Trump administration has sent a very clear message to the fossil fuel industry:

"We work for you now."

And that's reflected best in the Trump administration's new energy policy.

American energy dominance.

American energy dominance.

I want us to be energy dominant.

Energy dominance sounds like Charles Barkley trying to say Ellen DeGeneres.

And Trump's go-to guy in energy dominance

is the Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke.

He is responsible for the management and conservation of federal lands

and natural resources.

He's also under investigation for a number of alleged ethics violations.

Say what you want about Zinke, but he's out here living his best life.

He's into scout cosplay, he loves grizzly bears,

and he's a former Navy SEAL who loves hand-to-hand combat.

Just watch him throw down in this action packed video.

So what you do is you step in, you bend it back, right?

-And then you just turn. -Okay, I'm gonna die!

What's interesting is your face is near my knee.

[gasps]

So, little love taps.

This is how you get bills passed, right here.

Yes, say yes. Say yes.

I didn't know Zinke had an Access Hollywood tape.

Also, that's not your knee, man.

Is that what they call it in the administration?

That's their code word?

"You know, I got a lot of weird feelings in my knee right now."

But there's one thing that Ryan Zinke loves more than anything.

Our 26th president.

I'm a great admirer of Teddy Roosevelt.

I'm a strong admirer of Teddy Roosevelt.

I keep going back to Roosevelt 'cause I'm a great admirer.

I get my inspiration from Teddy Roosevelt.

Roosevelt's vision for our national parks was inspiring.

It is the preservation of the scenery, of the forests,

and people should see to it that they are preserved for their children

and their children's children forever.

It seems like Zinke may have slightly misunderstood that vision.

The US Interior Secretary signed an order

to hold more lease sales and to speed up permitting

for oil and gas exploration on federal land.

He has proposed giving oil companies access to drill

on more than 50 million acres of public lands

in the past two years alone.

You can't idolize Teddy Roosevelt and destroy the environment.

That's like Netflix having the first Muslim talk show host

and Bodyguard.

Stay woke, Netflix.

[cheering, applause]

Bodyguard is good though, right? It's good.

It's so good you almost forget about the Islamophobia.

Almost. Almost...

You can still taste it, though, a little bit.

Ah. Why does he have to be so close to the bomb?

But ah... the drama is so gripping.

Oh, to be white!

Energy dominance does not end with our public lands.

Out of 26 offshore areas in the United States,

the Trump administration wanted to open 25 to new drilling.

And as storms intensify and sea levels rise,

oil companies in Texas have asked DJT to protect their infrastructure.

[woman] Big oil companies are asking the federal government

to protect facilities in Texas against future storms.

The proposal seeks a nearly 60-mile spine

of concrete seawalls, barriers, floating gates and steel levees

along the Texas Gulf Coast.

Oil companies are asking for protection

from the climate change they helped create.

We're subsidizing and deregulating oil companies

so they can produce more oil, which fuels climate change,

which exacerbates weather events like hurricanes,

which causes more oil spills like Taylor Energy,

and now they want government infrastructure

to protect their refineries so they can produce more oil.

This is the life cycle of death.

And here's the kicker.

Even if we did extract all of our oil,

we can't even use it all, we literally can't.

I don't mean "literally" when your friend's like,

"I'm literally starving, we should go to brunch."

I mean if we literally burned all of the world's fossil fuel reserves,

it would cause the temperatures to rise so much

it would make the planet unlivable.

Remember, this isn't just a problem, it's a problem with a deadline.

A new report by the UN carries a stark warning:

the world has little more than a decade

to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere.

Or it may be too late.

[woman] At the current warming rate,

millions more people will die from extreme heat by the year 2040.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but 2040 isn't that far away.

Most of us will still be paying off our student loans.

Think about it, that's just 22 years from now.

We are only one Zendaya away from Mad Max: Fury Road.

This isn't just about temperatures rising.

Climate change will make every problem we have worse:

Famine, overcrowding, infrastructure problems, disease, war.

I gotta be honest.

When I was researching for this topic,

I got really depressed.

It's one thing to feel bad about not recycling,

it's another thing to realize none of this matters

if the fossil fuel industry and the government

are undercutting everything we do.

This hit me even harder when I started thinking about my daughter.

And part of we was just like, "Look, maybe I just grab the baby

and we head to a bunker in Iceland, and we just hang out in Iceland."

And then I'm like, "What are you doing? You're the only brown people in Iceland.

They'll just kill you." You don't get out yourself.

Usually it's forced upon you.

The good news is some kids aren't waiting around for adults to save them.

21 kids across the nation

are seeking to end the use of fossil fuels contributing to global warming.

And they want to hold the federal government accountable for it.

This case is about the federal government for more than five decades

creating a dangerous climate situation for young people

and for all our future generations.

Politicians, Democrats, Republicans

aren't doing the best job of representing our future.

Their lawsuit against the government claims that its failure

to address climate change violates their constitutional rights

to life, liberty and property.

The Trump administration tried to block the suit,

but just last week the Supreme Court ruled that the case should go forward.

No child's afterschool activity should be being a plaintiff.

We produce enough oil. We have enough reserves.

We need to stop running this race.

I don't want my daughter to have to sue for the right to be alive.

She should only have to sue for normal American things.

Like not getting into Harvard.

Thank you guys so much.

[theme music playing]

[cheering]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0