Original subtitles

Last time on Married With Children...

...I was neither fed, walked or had a close-up.

That's better.

Last time on Married With Children...

...Al was having a typical day at the shoe store, when suddenly:

Oh, what in Sam Hill are you doing?

- I'm breast-feeding. - But why?

Because he can't cook.

You just told me it was all right if I fed him.

Well, I meant to give him something healthy, like an Orange Bang.

Al made the lady leave, but only temporarily.

How dare you deny her her God-given right to nurse her baby...

...whenever Mother Nature calls!

Breast-feeding is a natural biological function.

So is peeing, but you don't see me doing that in public.

Al stuck by his guns on this one...

...so you know his life could've only gotten better.

Company halt!

Present babies.

Express milk.

So, Al had no choice...

...but to counterprotest in his usual classy manner.

Present.

Beer bellies.

Boogie down.

And now, despite my vehement objections...

...Married With Children continues.

One, two, three, four We will breast-feed in your store

Two, four, six, eight Hide your breasts or--

Wait, what rhymes with eight?

- Get a date? - Guess my weight.

Urinate.

Well, this past week there have been two fires, a flood and a mass murder.

Unfortunately, none of them here at Gary's Shoes...

...where I, Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal...

...have been since this breast-feeding protest began.

But since I am here...

...I might as well speak to the leader of the counterdemonstration.

A former high school football player, current shoe salesman...

...and future food-stamp abuser, Al Bundy.

Mr. Bundy, what is your group trying to achieve here?

We wanna show that men have a God-given right...

...to live in a breast-free environment.

Don't get us wrong.

We're not some of those sissy marys who don't like breasts.

I mean, I'm not.

Of course, I can't vouch for these other guys.

Our point is breasts have no place in a women's shoe store.

Unless they're on a pinup calendar in a bathroom.

Or in one of them pens where the bathing suit disappears.

Mr. Bundy, sorry to break up the Mensa meeting...

...but how does your wife feel about this protest?

Oh, I'm not married.

But if I was married, I'm sure she'd be here for me.

Hi, Al.

Hello, woman I've never seen before.

Oh, yeah, here you wear the bag, but in bed...

If you two don't mind, I'll head over to the other wing of the asylum.

- Here she comes, girls. - Look fertile and oppressed.

Hi, honey. Brought you your lunch.

It's just three pieces of bread, Peg.

Yeah, it's a club sandwich, hold the "club."

Oh, I'd like to hold the club, Peg.

Oh, well, I guess it's better than yesterday's hot-dog bun on rye.

Now, look, Al, I know I'm not supposed to ask you about your business...

...or your future...

...or why there's never a pair of your dirty underwear in the hamper...

...but just how long is this protest gonna continue?

Until we've made our point, Peg.

Which shouldn't be long once these women realize how united we men are.

- Food! - Hey, burgers! Come on!

What--?

Hey, you're supposed to bring the food back to us...

...not eat it all yourself.

I hit a red light on the way back.

Now, look, Al, you've been gone a week and I miss you.

There's no one to take the trash out...

...and sex without you just isn't the same.

Well, actually it is.

I want this protest to be over right now.

Marcie, get over here.

Now, how long have we been friends?

What, me and you, or me and her?

You and soap.

Why don't you just drop this whole thing?

Don't worry, Peggy, this will all be over soon.

Al and I have already found a way to settle our differences.

Our philosophical ones.

The physical ones are still too close to call.

Actually, the key was to find someone...

...who could track down what the law says.

Someone neutral, with no more loyalty to Al than to me.

So we picked your son, Bud.

And when he gets back, we'll find out...

...that this is still the United States of America, where men have rights.

That's why George Washington chopped down that tree, called it macaroni.

That's why George Hamilton and Raymond Burr...

...fought their famous duel.

And that's why a lot of other guys did a lot of other stuff.

Believe me, Marcie, my government would never rule against me.

Dad, they ruled against you.

Damn George Washington! I wish he was dead!

- We won! We won! We won! - We won! We won!

Well, it looks like Sucklegate...

...much like my career, has finally come to an end.

This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal...

...saying good night and yikes.

Oh, gee, Al, I know you really put a lot into this protest.

I'm sorry you lost.

Thanks, Peg. I knew that you'd understand.

You know what I love about America in the '90s?

Jockey for Her?

No. It's that people like you never get what they want.

It's so amusing to watch.

You try, but things just never go your way.

That's what makes this country great.

I don't care what the law says! I do what I want, Marcie!

I laugh at the law!

Hello, officer. What brings you here?

The law.

You know, that thing you were just laughing at.

Come on, Dan, you're a guy.

I'm a cop first, Al.

Well, actually I'm a cop about 11th.

I'm a lover first, and then a bowler...

...then a lover again.

And then sometimes late at night I like to pretend I'm Barney...

...on Mission Impossible.

But anyway, I'm here to uphold the law. It's the job I've sworn to do.

Officer! Someone's being mugged in the food court!

Tell someone who cares.

Anyway, the law says you can't stop a woman from breast-feeding.

Sorry, Bundy, but we live in an age...

...where everyone's rights have to be respected.

Especially mine.

That's why I've got seven citations here for indecent exposure.

But there's only six of us.

I know. I gave you two.

Come on. What's he talking about, "indecent"?

I mean, we don't look so bad.

When did being born a man become a crime?

Well, according to The People of Illinois v. Baby Hayes...

...it was May 12th, 1992.

Baby Hayes?

Yeah, he was born naked.

The nurse didn't like it, sued him for sexual harassment.

They tried him as an adult...

...and gave him the electric highchair.

You'll be seeing it on Fox.

In all honesty, why are you surprised in having to see breast-feeding?

I mean, after all, this is a women's shoe store.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah, Dad, and hold onto your hairline, you are a woman's shoe salesman.

I am, aren't I?

Well, that's enough for today.

I'll break the Dodge and Mom to you some other time.

Son, you just gave me a great idea.

I know how to get around the law, Marcie...

...and her cud-chewing comrades permanently.

- Hey, Griff. - Hey.

- Dad. - Son...

...welcome to Gary's Shoes and Accessories for Today's Man.

It even says so on the sign. See?

Dad, the imprint of the W and the O are still there.

Well, that's the way it is with women, see?

Their imprint is always there.

But, son, don't you see the genius of what I've done?

Now that I just sell men's shoes...

...I never have to worry about women coming in the store at all.

I need shoes!

Sorry, ma'am, but this is now a man's shoe store.

- I need shoes. - Right this way.

Well, at least we know she's not gonna breast-feed.

But my idea is genius. Just listen to the silence.

Hey, Al.

Listen, I came by to warn you...

...Marcie's as mad as a wet hen about this.

Well, that means somewhere out there, there's a wet hen as mad as Marcie.

Look, you know she's not gonna give up on this.

I mean, when she sinks her teeth into something...

Well, if you wanna step in the backroom, I'll show you.

No! That's okay, I'll do a silent scream from here.

But I'm glad she's mad at me.

That'll teach her to get into a milking contest with me.

Get that, son.

Oh, and if it's your mother, tell her I've remarried and she gets the kids.

I feel good. Yep, I do.

Hey, Al, aren't you afraid that Gary will find out...

...that you turned this into a men's shoe store?

Who's Gary?

You know, Gary of Gary's Shoes.

Jefferson, I've worked here 20 years--

Twenty years? Where the hell has my life gone?

But anyway, I've never even seen Gary. I don't even know if the Gary exists.

But I haven't been this happy in years. Let me just sit back and revel in it.

Dad, that was Gary's office on the phone.

Gary's flying in the day after tomorrow to take a personal look at the store.

Hello, La Crapp� Shoe Distributors?

Yeah. I'm Al Bundy. I returned $20,000 worth of shoes.

Okay, 20,000 pesos.

Look, I need them back today.

Three weeks? Look, you don't understand. My boss--

Hey, don't "ay caramba" me in that sarcastic tone!

Now, I need those sh-- Hello?!

Oh, Dad, so you traded your women's shoes...

...for men's shoes without telling your boss.

It's not like when you bought that $200 bowling ball...

...and you didn't tell Mom.

Now, that would be trouble.

Well, thank you, pumpkin.

You just spoiled your mother's birthday present.

And let's not spoil your father's birthday present.

He's getting a cocktail dress.

Quiet down, the two of you! I gotta think.

Leave the wife. Leave the wife.

Gary's coming. Gary's coming.

Peg, you just gave me an idea. You have shoes. Lots of shoes.

I can sell them. Give them to me.

No! I need them.

Well, what does a woman need with over 200 pairs of shoes?

Well, let's start with the black ones.

You know, black is a basic, so you need all the styles.

I have black flats for casual outfits, black mules for lounging...

...black clogs for that retro look...

...oh, and my black heels for dressy occasions.

- Kelly, come with me. - Okay.

And then there's the black boots, cowboy boots for boot cut jeans...

...English riding boots for tweedy suits and skirts...

...and yes, shoe boots, for when you want that boot look...

...but you just can't commit to the whole boot experience.

I tell you, and then it goes on from there...

How do I do it?

I am a genius.

Would you have known that five minutes ago...

...this was a man's shoe?

Well, yeah.

I defy anyone else to tell me that these aren't real ladies' shoes.

Pumpkin, let me explain again what I want you to do here for me.

Now, when Gary comes in, I want you to act like you're a customer.

If you do a good job, Gary will think that these are really ladies' shoes.

And then Daddy won't have to wrestle old women for government cheese.

Can you do that for Daddy, pumpkin?

Well, I don't know. How tough are these old women?

You know, I really think we can pull this off.

Even if women can tell that these aren't women's shoes...

...Gary won't know the difference. He's a man.

Hi, I'm Gary. I own this store.

Of course.

Excuse me, Mr. Shoe Daddy...

...what a wonderful selection of women's shoes.

I think I'll take this lovely wiener pair.

They're so women's.

Well, that's probably because this is a woman's shoe store.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, you could never repay me.

- Miss...? - Bundy.

Anyway, as a satisfied woman customer...

...in this, a women's shoe store, I insist that I pay.

Five, ten, fifteen.

What are you doing?

Waiting for my change.

Get out.

I guess I'll see you at home then.

You bet.

Now, do me a favor and leave the oven on for Daddy, would you?

Okay.

- Mr. Bundy? - One second, please.

Let me say one thing.

Please. Please, don't fire me.

I'm just a major stroke away from a comfortable retirement.

Mr. Bundy, I have holdings all over the world.

I own airlines, I own oil wells, I own men.

Well, I'm for sale.

- I said men. - Sorry.

Anyhow, I almost made the Forbes 400 last year.

I was number 401. You know why?

You're too beautiful to be perceived as a successful business woman?

That's what I thought.

But, no. It's because of this shoe store.

That was my second guess.

This is the only holding I have that has never ever made me any money.

And I think I know why.

Please, don't fire me!

It's because of these shoes!

Did you know that underneath...

...this patina of jaw-breakers and double-sided tape...

...these are men's shoes?

The hell, you say!

- Oh, of course you knew. - Oh, I did.

I'll get my lunchbox.

And obviously, you had the acumen to know that men's shoes don't sell.

Bundy, we're going to turn this store into a moneymaker.

- And you know how? - Tear it down, put up a Gap?

No.

We're going to turn it into a women's shoe store.

A really cheap one.

And we'll cater to their needs.

There will be bidets and Michael Bolton music...

...and a place where they can breast-feed.

Congratulations, Mr. Bundy.

You're going to sell women's shoes for the rest of your life.

You have such a wonderful store.

I'm going to have to tell all the women in my cheesecake club about it.

Oh, Al, I'm so glad to see you finally dragged your knuckles...

...into the 20th century.

What came over you?

It certainly wasn't a clean T-shirt.

That's right, Marcie, feed the bears.

Excuse me, sir, but do you have a place I can put this dirty diaper?

No, I do not.

And this is where I draw the line.

There will be no dirty diapers in my shoe store!

Oh, no?

Oh, no.

Ladies, present loads.