Original subtitles

Can the lemon in a lemon muffin go bad?

That's banana.

The muffin is, yes. But in general.

- No, I don't think so. - That's all I'm saying.

Honey, hurry up, my parents are picking up your parents at 7.

- So? - So they'll be here any second.

No, they won't. My mother will do her purse thing upstairs for 20 minutes...

...while your parents are downstairs, freezing their ass off in the car.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Is that the tie my father gave you?

- It has ducks. - Please?

- Tell me how you got us into this. - They both called at once.

I got sandwiched. It's that damn call waiting.

- Learn how to say no to your mother. - You're just the guy to teach me how!

You know what's gonna happen, don't you?

Because she does not know how to handle her mother.

Am I right or am I right? Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

- You wearing my mother's pin? - It hurts my back.

- I'm wearing a tie with ducks. - All right.

If I were you, I'd hide under the bed when we get home...

...because somebody doesn't know how to handle his mommy.

- Where are we going to eat? - I made a reservation at Nagori.

- Bad move. My mother hates sushi. - Why?

She figures why should she pay if they're not gonna cook.

- How about El Pueblo? - My mother hates Mexican.

- What about Da Vinci? - It's terrible. Are you kidding?

Their waiters sing and they give you balloons.

Good. They'll both hate it and have something to complain about besides us.

- That pin is nice. - It's not a pin, it's a wall sconce.

Do me a favor. You're not gonna mention the blender thing, right?

- And you saw me call my Aunt Selma. - Lf anybody mentions quitting my job...

I will steer the conversation straight to my dad's prostate.

Do not mention that my sister went to the dentist.

- Why not? - Just trust me on that.

- So, what can we talk about? - Nothing, just order and chew.

I could fake cramps during the salad, and we could go to a movie.

Why?

Well, just tell them we'll come right down.

This is 21 l2 hours, it'll all be over. I really think we can do it.

- We're morons for trying. - Now, wait a second.

A lot of times, we think something will be good and it turns out to be bad.

So this, we already know will be bad. It could turn out to be good.

And you have a good time.

- Your mother or mine? - It's yours.

- Hello, Ma. - You don't call to see I got home okay?

Ma.

- Ma. - My phone works fine.

- Ma. - Does your phone work?

Look, I'm like a sheep but with M's.

Ma... Well, how...? How is that an insult?

Look, you wanted scampi. Jamie's mother wanted scampi.

Who knew there would be only one order left?

- She told her to take it. - She told you to take it.

- Patronizing. - How is that patronizing?

- I'm not using a tone. - Trust me. I know.

She didn't take the scampi either.

So nobody wins, nobody loses. You both went scampi-less.

No, I saw no affront. I really don't want to talk about this.

I don't want to discuss it. Let's just move on with our lives.

- Have a good night's sleep. - I can't sleep if...

Well, try.

- You hear a tone? I didn't use a tone. - Don't buy into that.

- She creates a tone. - So tell her that.

- I'm taking Murray for a walk. - I need more ice cream.

- You don't need more ice cream. - I need something.

- There was no tone. - Hello, Paul.

Sorry. Hang on one second. Yours.

Man, she's gonna be bubbly.

Hi, Mom.

Man, she's bubbly.

Hi, what's the matter?

- Yes, there is. - Why would you think...?

Nobody calls from a pay phone on the FDR Drive to say hello. What's wrong?

- I had a wonderful time. - You didn't have a wonderful time.

I can hear the smile on your face. I also know you're furious. Just say it.

- What? - Just say you're mad.

Say, "I wanted scampi. Now I'm really mad."

- Someone'll hear... - You're on the FDR Drive.

No one's gonna hear you.

- Sweet dreams to you. - Well?

- She blames me. - Why do you say that?

Because as we left the restaurant...

...she took me aside and said: "I don't blame you."

- I really need more ice cream. - No, you don't.

- I need something. - There's frittata in the swan.

What is wrong with these people? Do you know what she does?

My mother wreaks havoc.

- She is a havoc wreaker. - I know.

And then your mother smiles right through the havoc.

- I know. - Scampi they argue over!

At least your mother can express her anxiety.

It's healthy. It's sick but it's healthy. You gotta admire that.

Boy, if you would just call her and tell her that.

You see that? You cave in every time.

- I'm not caving in. I'm asking you to. - Never gonna happen.

Don't get mad at me because you're mad at your mother.

I'm not mad at anybody. I really hate this swan.

- Will you give me the swan, please? - Let's just go to bed.

- Do they see what they do? - How can they not?

- Maybe all parents get like that. - Promise me we'll never be like that.

No. Never. What'd they do? They weld this together.

- I'll get your phone working again soon. - No rush.

- You've got a bad jack. - All right.

- Instead of fixing it, I'll replace it. - Sure, you may as well.

- Lf I fix it, it could go bad again. - May as well replace it.

Nobody likes to be without a phone. Friends and family trying to call.

No rush, there.

- Pauly, you busy? - No. What are you doing here?

- Guess what? - You bought cake.

- I have cake. - You brought cake.

I was given cake.

- Somebody gave you a cake? - Yeah, your mother.

What is she doing? Is she getting other people involved?

- I tried to call. The phone was out. - He's got a bad jack.

- He's gonna replace it. - I'm gonna replace it.

- What is she doing here? - Look, Pauly.

I don't know who ordered the scampi, and I don't care who did.

- Your mother called. She feels terrible. - About what?

- About putting you in the middle. - She did.

- She doesn't wanna aggravate you. - Yet she does.

- She just wants you to enjoy this cake. - You don't understand my mother.

- This is cake. - No, it's not cake.

- Then what is it? - It's a message.

Remember "Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes"?

So, what they're holding is a fish, but what they got was a message:

- "Luca is dead." - Luca Brasi. All right?

So here, we're holding a cake, but the message...

- Is what? - The message is:

"I know that you like cake, and Jamie's mother is a peasant."

- It's cake. - And why does she involve you? Why?

She knows you'll take her side because you find her amusing.

- I do. - She's your aunt, not your mother.

- See, your mother doesn't bother me. - Now that I don't get.

- What? - My mother is impossible.

- Your mother I adore. - You know what it is?

The grass on other people's mothers is always greener.

Okay, you're just gonna feel a little bit of pressure.

- What are you doing? - Getting potential hors d'oeuvres.

- Fran's coming over for dinner. - Oh, don't invite me.

- Do you wanna come? - I can't. I have plans.

- Mom's taking me to see Carousel. - She said she was gonna take me.

That's when you were the good one.

- So you spoke to her? - We just had lunch.

- At this all-you-can-eat shrimp place. - Oh, perfect.

She also took me shopping. What do you think?

- Don't you see what she's doing? - So what? I love when she's mad at you.

Remember when she found out you lost your virginity? I got a toaster oven.

If she's mad at me, why can't she just stop smiling and say it?

She did say it. She just said it to me. Check this out. Pearls.

- You're letting her manipulate you. - She's not manipulating me.

- She's using me to manipulate you. - It won't work this time.

- You're right, don't fall for it. - I'm not.

- Lf I were you, I wouldn't even call. - I won't.

Promise? I really wanna go to Europe.

I don't know what the problem is. I get along great with my mother.

- You moved her to Florida. - She was pale.

- Hello. - Hi, what's that?

- A cake. - Oh, my goodness.

What kind?

It's a message cake. Listen to this: She calls Ira...

It doesn't matter now. We're gonna have a wonderful dinner.

- Fran's here. Now we have dessert. - That's not a dessert. It's muscle.

She's setting me up. That's what that is. That is a setup cake.

- My mother makes setup cookies. - Well, not like my mother makes them.

- What are you doing? - It's a bird of paradise. Say hello.

- Oh, no. - What?

You're bubbly.

I got it. Hello. Buchman residence.

- Who are you? - It's Fran.

- Hi, Mrs. Buchman. - Is your husband back?

No, my husband hasn't come back to me yet.

- She wants to talk to you. - Ask her if it's about scampi.

- He wants to know if it's about scampi. - Don't use that tone.

What tone? I'm not using a tone.

You see that? She's wreaking havoc with other people now.

Your mother was in labor for 26 hours?

I had a... I had a very big head.

Tell her I appreciated the accommodations back then.

I am out now.

Get over the scampi!

Mrs. Buchman? Hold on, I've got another call.

- Buchman residence. - It's Jamie's mom.

- Hi, Mrs. Stemple. She's right here. - No, forget it.

- She sounds happy. - Tell her to call back when she's not.

- Mrs. Stemple, can you hold on? - Don't put me on hold...

- Mrs. Buchman, you still there? - I don't wanna discuss it.

- Can I tell you something? - Go ahead, darling.

Last Labor Day when Jamie's parents had that big barbecue...

...Jamie's mother spent 20 minutes telling me how wonderful you were.

They had a barbecue and didn't invite us?

Well, I'm sure she meant to invite you.

Hold on a second.

Mrs. Stemple...

- I'm just gonna eat. - How can you eat at a time like this?

Every time's "a time like this," since you recommended the scampi.

- I'm sorry? - Forget it.

What is that? Are you blaming me for this now?

You were pushing it: "Try the scampi. It's great scampi.

You've never seen such scampi. They're shrimp the size of your nose."

Well, I wanted everybody to enjoy their meal.

You always want everybody to enjoy their meal.

Every time we go to a restaurant you have to recommend a dish.

Why don't you let people eat what they want? Why do you have to butt in?

Why don't you just start a restaurant column and be done with it?

You wanna know the truth? We'd never have gone out in the first place...

...if you didn't let our mothers tag-team you on our damn call waiting.

- So this is my fault? - You're the one who wanted call waiting.

I didn't want call waiting. I'm perfectly happy with a busy signal.

- Because you don't have many friends. - I have plenty.

I'm not so worried about getting back to them.

I'm not like you: "What if someone is trying to get us?"

Well, they got us, baby. You happy now?

I'm always happy. I'm my mother's daughter!

What is this?

That can't be good.

Come on, Murray. Wanna play?

Come on. Let's play. Come on.

Go get the ball. Go get the ball.

Good girl.

- Meanwhile, I called the vet. - Want me to wash that shirt?

I'm wearing it. Why would you wanna wash it if I'm wearing it?

Does that make any sense? Huh? She's a big nutty nut.

This is really low. How do you do this?

Come on, Murray, do some... Wanna get the mouse?

Look! There he goes. There's the mouse.

You don't get the mouse?

- This is really serious. - He hasn't touched his food.

Look at him, he's laying. He's like a rug with organs.

- Go get the mouse. - He doesn't wanna.

- Look! Go get the mouse. - He ain't interested.

Here he comes. Here he comes. Here comes the mouse.

Here comes the mouse. Here comes the mouse!

Son of a bitch!

Look at you.

- You know there's no mouse, don't you? - I know.

- Why are you so dressed up? - I'm lunching at the Russian Tea Room.

- Does he look normal to you? - Hi, sweet boy!

- Who are you having lunch with? - Mom.

You're having lunch at the Russian Tea Room with Mom, and I'm not invited?

His mom.

My mom? You're having lunch at the Russian Tea Room with my mother?

- Honey, they're crossing the line. - They're, like, franchising out now.

- What was I gonna do, say no? - Yes, say no and stay out of this one.

I'm not the one who recommended the scampi.

Dr. Arzupian! It's Dr. Arzupian, hon.

He's just not himself.

He hasn't done anything constructive in, like, two days.

I wanna know everything his mother says and I'm not kidding.

If I can get his mother to pay for Europe and push our mother for a condo...

Listen to me: It's voice-activated.

- His last bowel movement? - Monday.

- Monday. - Can you believe this? Saturday.

That would be great! You can see him. We'll bring him right over. Thank you.

He's gonna see him right now. Murray, we're gonna go to the park.

You wanna go to the park? Come on! Come here!

We're gonna go to the park and play ball and eat a big hot dog.

- Oh, great, lie to him. - It works.

It's like when I had my adenoids out...

...and Mom said we were just going to watch them tape the Match Game.

- Be sure to lock up. - Murray, have a good time at the vet.

Why do you come here?

- Honey. - Sorry.

- Well, heart sounds good. Sit. - He doesn't do sit.

- Why not? - It's just not one of his things.

You gotta do it manually.

His coat looks good. He seems nice and healthy.

- Why is he so moody? - What would that be?

- Moods. - What do you mean, "moods"?

- You don't think dogs have emotions? - He has emotional problems?

- He might. - That's ridiculous.

- Wait a second... - He doesn't have emotional problems.

- He's not saying it's a reflection on you. - Of course it is.

- Lf he has emotional problems, it's me. - Would you stop...?

What are you doing?

- Have you been sleeping well? - Yes.

- Eating healthy? - I try.

- And when was your last...? - First thing this morning.

- So is Murray an only dog? - Yes.

We thought about having another, but I just don't think we're ready.

- How old was he when you got him? - He was like... this old.

- I found him in the park. - Aha!

"Aha." What's "aha"?

There's a possibility he just wandered off from his home.

He did. He had a tag with a guy's number on it.

So I called to say I'd found him. He asked if I wanted to keep him.

I'd just broken up with Leslie, so I thought, "What the hell?"

- Who's Leslie? - Nobody.

- You ever take him back to his home? - I thought it'd be upsetting for the dog.

It's hardly nobody if you had to get a dog afterwards.

I'm begging you to stop.

What is it? You're like my mother.

- Anyway, there's been some tension. - Such as?

We've been having some problems with our mothers.

Oh, my God.

Mother.

Asparagus.

Mother.

- Could that be the problem? - Could be.

- He might have unresolved issues. - With his mother?

- It's just silly. - No, it isn't.

Wouldn't you wanna find your mother if you were lucky enough to lose her?

- What is that? - The Murray box.

- We still have the Murray box? - Of course. His baby teeth are in here.

What a sweet lady you are.

- What's it look like? - It's a tag.

- A tag with the guy's phone number. - Aw.

Look at this.

What, that's an "aw." This is not an "aw"?

- I think this is an aw. - Aw.

- His certificate from dog school. - How do you flunk "sit"?

- Here it is. - Are we sure we want to do this?

We have to do something.

She hasn't seen him in, like, 49 years. What if she doesn't remember him?

A mother never forgets, especially in this family.

Look at this guy's name: "Herbert Urbont."

"Urbont"? Our dog's last name is Urbont?

Yeah, he dropped the last name, like Wynonna.

Murray, you wanna get the ball? Wanna get the ball?

Go on, get the ball.

- Get the ball. - Don't pressure him.

You realize now I gotta get the ball.

You sure this guy knows how to find us?

Sure, I told him. Right by the "Bite Me" bench.

Which is next to the lovely "Jesus and Janice" water fountain.

- Murray, look at me. - What are you worried about?

She's not gonna look at his hair. She's gonna sniff his ass.

- It's his mother. - They're dogs.

Hey, Swifty!

- He used to be Swifty? - Like the wind.

- What happened to him? - I don't know. What did you do to him?

- Nothing. It was the scampi. - We call him Murray.

- This is Mona. - Hi, Mona.

- This is her gift. - You're telling me she made kugel?

No, it's a special meat loaf.

Look, Murray, look. Look at what Mommy made you.

Look. Isn't that nice?

This is why 14 of her kids left home.

- So there's nothing you can do. - There's nothing you can do.

I heard a tone.

The part of Murray's mother was played by Murray's actual mother.

Seriously. Really. No kidding.

This dog is this dog's mother.

So everything has been real on this show.

- Hello? - Helen, can I speak to my son?

Hold on one second.

- It's your mother. - Ask her if it's about the scampi.

No, it's seriously your real mother.

My actual mother?

I'm not here. I'm not here.

We're doing the tag, where you gonna go?

Talk to her. Talk to her.

Mrs. Reiser?

No, I didn't write it.