All language subtitles for Letterkenny s06e07 Valentimes Day.eng

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, happy Valentine's Day,
you heartbreakers.

Dream makers.
Love takers.

Don't youse mess
around with me.

There's nothing too happy
about commemorating

the beating and execution

of third century Roman
bishop St. Valentine.

You're a bish.
'Kay.

You're just tossin' the mitts
and throwin' the haymakers

right off the hops,
eh, good buddies?

What's your problem
with Valentime's?

One more time?

What's your problem
with Valentime's?

And just so we're Labatt
crystal clear, you said...

What's your problem
with Valentime's Day?

Take a Valentimes out.

You're in the wrong
Valentime zone, pal.

Lovers in a Dangerous
Valentime, Dary?

What's your problem?
Just because I like

to have a good time on Valen...

Valen...
Way ya go.

Valentime's.
Atta boy.

I definitely loves me
the Saint Valentine's Day.

I still makes individual
Valentines for all my pals.

You know, Squirrelly Dan,

that is something
that I actually appreciates about you.

Thanks you, Miss Katys.

I plans on giving them out
at the speed dating event

at the church today.

Yew!

Cannot wait to get sweet
at the meet and greet.

A date every
three minutes.

Quantity.

Seeing as this is most
certainly a one-off event

and not a tradition

that also falls on
some made-up holiday

I couldn't give
a cat's quiff about,

I'm out.

There's happiness calling
my name

from the bottom
of a bottle of Puppers.

Such a poopy pants
on Valentime's.

What poor timing.

All right, gents.
Let's get our sexy on.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

This is the worst turnout
I have ever had.

Okay.

Welcome to
speed dating, everyone!

Oh, have a seat.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

I'm horny.

Okay, looking this way,
please. (CHUCKLES)

So let's all pwuck
our little hawt stwings, okay?

And pway peek-a-boo
wif our special someonezies.

I am...

We are all here today
to have a little giggle-leeler,

that might turn
into a lil' tickle-lee-ler,

and maybe, just maybe,

a lil diddle-lee-ler.

No longer hornys.

So, the rules.

Everyone, I want you to
sit across from one another,

and then every thee minutes,
you're gonna switch seats,

and get all womantic.

Where the fuck is the bar?

Excuse me, sir.

With the royal blue language
verging on Navy blue.

We're in a church for
some flippin' reason,

so I am going to need you
to keep your language

to a Maya blue, at the
very least, a powder blue.

Powder boo.

(MOCKINGLY) Yeah, cut
the crapola, Mr. Wisenheimer.

Thank you. That's unhelpful.

Second, there is
no alcohol at this event.

Boo.
It is 11:00 in the morning.

(ALL BOOING)

I'm sorry, I didn't realize
we were dealings

with the queens
of friggin' Englands here.

Well...
KATY: Point of order.

We all definitely know
each other real well.

Half these dipshits
were in my grade two class.

And I put in
extensions for this.

What did I just say
about keeping the language

to a periwinkle
flippin' blue?

Oh. We're actually
married already,

so we're just here to do
a little, uh,

run around
the bases.

We're two sport players.

Time to spit on the old
hands and crank a few.

I'd shag a few balls.

I've got the clap.

Currently.
Again?

Again.

I also have the clap.

Again?
Again.

We took down the same broad.

Reilly one-timed me a clapper.

So we probably won't
be taking anybody down.

Unless there's
any bug chasers.

Which is a thing we saw
on Grey's Anatomy.

I just feel like
I'm being unfaithful

to my dead wife, Barb.

She died.

Fuckin' embarrassing.

ROALD: I'm just gonna say
what you're all thinking.

Roald gets spit-roasted
by Dax and Ron.

That's the low-hanging
fruit, you guys.

Dax and Ron London
Bridging ol' Roaldy.

I get it.

You're all just thinking,

"How have those two not double
cowgirled the gay skid yet?

"How come they're not
in the bathroom right now

"doggy training him?

"How come he's not
in a doggy deluxe?

"What's the hold up?"

Anywho-d'lee-ler!

(GASPS) Look what
the cat dragged in.

WAYNE: Better than
what the cat coughed up.

Oh, a customer.

And one of my favorite cuts
of prime rib at that.

Glen, how're ya now?

Better now that you muscle'd
your way into my shift,

which I am covering
for Gail

so that she can get slinky
little swerve on

at the speed dating event.

Speaking of which,

why aren't you partaking in the
carousing of St. Valentine's?

STEWART: Fuck Valentine's Day.

That a skid having a beer?

A skid drinkin' a beer.

No rips?
No rips.

Oh, I bet you get them hid

under the spare roll
of toiler paper

in the bathroom
stall as usual.

Stewart!

This Hallmark holiday
has enough phony euphoria.

I don't need to add to it
by better living

through my basement
bathtub chemistry.

Though I could be persuaded
to pop a... Valium-tine.

Long way to go
for that joke.

You know what, Skid?
What, shirt-tucker?

I think you're right
with this whole

"Fuck Valentine's
Day" narrative.

If there's no tradition,
there's no integrity.

Which is a thing I say
from time to time.

Love comes from a delicate,
genuine place.

Not from the seasonal aisle
at the drug store.

Which is a think
I say from time to time.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

You never find love
if you go looking for it.

It's when you're not looking.

So you're just gonna
let that hang there?

You're not gonna
finish that thought?

Sorry?
Okay.

Being as we are the only two
at the bar, shall we...

Grab a beer?

Or you just gonna sit there

catching horseflies
with your mouth?

I'd have a beer. Glen,
please and thank you.

Unlikely duo
since Judas and JC.

DARYL: What?

All right, let's
all settle-lee-ler.

Okay. Now I am a professional,

and I have noticed

that there are more little boys
than little girls.

More oysters than snails.

Well, at the very least,

it's a good chance for
old pals to catch up.

Yeah, good chats
with great friends

in snackable,
three-minute intervals.

Ooh, sport mackin'.

Absolutely, buddy.

What are you two
plugs on about?

Since we got the clap,
we figured we'd work

on our flirt game
with some practice.

A few hot laps
around the rink.

Shuffle the line combinations,

see it works on new rockets
in the actual game.

'Cause for now we have the clap.
Ugh.

I know. What is
the deal?

(CLEARS THROAT)
No, no. Uh, no.

We are not here so that you
can practice hitting on girls.

That is not what my flat rate
of $250 is for, is it?

Thought I'd dickered
you down to $225?

Let's start the game!

This is not a game, okay?

This is my jobble-lee-ler!

What about $230?

No, it is not negotiable.

Unless you have cash.

You know, Uncle Eddie
always said

if you put two people across
a table from each other

with pints in between them,

they'll find
a common ground.

Not sure he ever sat
across from a skid, though.

Spare me
the rustic aphorisms

and let's just enjoy
some quiet commiseration.

You catch the game last night?

Think I got fucking
time for that?

I was joking, shirt-tucker.

Hockeyfights.com
is all you need.

I start my day with it
every morning.

Fuckin' throwin' hands
is the best part anyway, fuck.

Agreed.

It injects anarchy into
an otherwise bland amalgam

of meaningless athletics
and post-game platitudes.

Favorite fighter
of all time. Go.

Bobby Probert.

Rob Ray.

Current NHLer you'd file
under do-not-fuck-with. Go.

Ryan Reaves.
Zdeno Chara.

Toughest current
NHL captain. Go.

Chara still in play?
Can't say the same guy twice.

Nick Foligno.
Jamie Benn.

Glen!
Pff.

I'd have another beer.

Skid?

I'd have a beer.

Strange things are afoot
at MoDean's today.

I'm good at that.

Is everyone sitting across

from their new
potential beau-leos and bellalee-lers?

Okay. Ready? Round one!

DAN: Fight! Get over here!

MAN 1: Footsie!
MAN 2: Finish him!

No! You are not getting this!

What's with the socks?

They make you faster
around the base paths.

I never really had any problems
getting around the bases.

You play ball now?

Daxy and I play shortstop
and second base.

We're a great... DP combo.

You're real sack-mates, hey?

When there's a dribbler
coming at us,

we like to go
around the horn with it.

How are you at the plate?

I'm a switch hitter with
a high average from both sides.

Pair me against anyone
on either team

and I'll
at least get to second.

Hmm.

See, we prefer to play
on AstroTurf around here

because we love
a good sliding box.

You should bronze those titties

because your bust belongs
in Cooperstown.

Bring some pals.
I'm a five-tool player.

Your 12 to 6 curves are
making me go from 6 to 12.

Why don't you groove me some
two-finger heaters down low?

I am gonna hit a scorching
comebacker right to your mound.

Fuck.

Gail.
Dary.

I think tonight,
there's gonna be a Gailbreak.

Sure is, Dary Spice.

Why don't we Gail
to the Chief?

You got it,
my Dary Home Companion.

You ever worked on the Gailroad?
All the live-long Dary.

That's why I can feel
the Gail force winds

whooshing past me.

Just happy to be sitting across
from my Dary godmother.

Sup, Luc Robitaille?

Sup, Rami Malek?

So, you know I'm gay.

You smash all sorts of ass.

Everyone knows
I should stop wasting

people's time and
just get smashed by...

I don't know anything
about the gay lifestyle though.

You wanna spend out time here
playing "ask a gay dude"?

For real? Fuck yeah, buddy.

Okay, hit me, Craig Janney.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Look away, Barb.
This is rock bottom.

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, um...

So, Coach, I was thinking

maybe we do a little bit
of role-playing,

seeing as I don't think you're
gonna pick up very many ladies

with how aggressive you are.

I'd rather eat
pheasant shit on dry toast

than do anything with you.

Right on.
Anything.

Sweet. So, you be you,
and I'll be a super hot rocket.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(IN A GIRLY VOICE)
Hi, handsome.

I heard you're
a hockey coach.

Hiya. (CHUCKLES)

I'm kind of nervous.

I don't normally date girls

that look like Lyle Lovett and
Sheryl Crow had a fuckchild.

I actually think
that's a pretty good chirp,

but I just wanna Google
that to be sure.

You said Sheryl Crow
and Lyle Odelein?

Lovett.

Yeah, I know, I love it, too.
I'm just looking him up.

Two T's, fuckwad.

Thanks.

Nice baseball socks.
You's ever DH?

Easy, Dom Deluise-y.

Why? I used to DH alls
the time in Little Leagues,

on account to my
power-hitting ability

coupled with my perceived lack
of runnings abilities.

Oh. Sorry, I thought
you were talking about fucking.

What do you mean?

Well, a DH is someone
who will fuck anything.

Oh, sorta like how getting
to second base

is touching
a gal's boobies?

And an inside
the park home run

is fucking in the bar toilets

before the bouncer finds out
and kicks you out.

You got a sex term
what goes with

gettin' to first base on an
intentionals hit by a pitch?

Yup. That's getting
Frenched by a gal,

but only 'cause she's
getting back

at her
messy drunk boyfriend.

What about reaching
second base

on a drop fly ball
in center field

'cause the sun's
in the eyes?

'Course, that's when you
think a date went poorly,

but then he gets his tits
out in the cab ride home.

Caught in a run-down?
Hitting on two girls at once,

only to realize
that they're friends,

and they are not
happy with you.

Check swing single?
Bumping into somebody,

accidentally
touching their butt,

and then
being super into it.

Choke up on the bat
a little bit,

and I bet you fist it
right through my infield.

I have choked on
some bat before,

and I'm pretty confident

that no matter what
you're sending me,

I'll get some
good wood on it.

I think it's about time
you expand my strike zone.

Every ground ball
I've hit finds a hole.

I'm great at making contact
with the meat of the bat.

You can put
an E on the board

because I muffed it
right between the legs.

Oh, I think it's about time

I sent you down to
the bush league.

I'm a spray hitter,
so look alive out there.

(SOFTLY) Fuck.

You ever seen The People
Versus Dary Flynt?

That Gails in comparison to
Monty Python and the Holy Gail.

Prefer So I Dary'ed
an Axe Murderer.

I feel like this conversation
has hit a bit of a Gailmate.

Well, Dary Christmas to you.

It's nice catching up,
Gailor Swift.

Dary On, My Wayward Son.

Mmm. You hit the Gail
on the head.

A top is when he
smashes the ass,

and the bottom is when he gets
his ass smashed, right?

Correct.

Which are you?
Bottom.

Power bottom, but...
What's that?

That term is so muddled,
but let's just move past it.

Okay, so you're at a gay bar...
Uh-huh?

...and you're bottom and you
meet another bottom,

do you tell him at the bar,

or you go home and, "Surprise!"

And you're stuck trying
to bottom each other?

Wait. Do you think the only
type of gay sex is butt sex?

No. Yes. No, I don't know.

Just because a pig has four legs
and a dog has four legs,

does not mean a pig is a dog.

So, all butt sex is gay,

but not all gay sex
is butt sex?

Sure.

But I mean, I'll be whatever
Dax and Ron need me to be,

just to stop this
whole story line.

It's all anyone
can talk about.

I mean, God.

You don't look like anything
you said on the phone.

I was expecting more
Andie MacDowell

and a lot less
Andy Samberg.

Both comedy legends.

But you are my type, I mean.

What guy doesn't
wake up in the morning

and just hope to meet
Maggie Gyllenhaal,

only her face has been
smashed in by a city bus

and she's dressed up
like a gaylord banker?

(CHUCKLES) We don't
have to do role-play...

Oh, what's wrong, Howard Stern
and Baba-Booey's face

mashed together
with Jon Bon Jovi's hair?

Did you know they
edited Stern's speech

for Bon Jovi's induction in the
Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?

Let's fuck, all right?

I'm ready. Let's fuck, huh?

The spawn of Alanis
Morrissette and Dave Coulier

pre- You Oughta Know?

Huh?

Okay. Uh, good game.

I just fucking
jerked off.

Switch hittings?

Pretending to be gay
to get a gal's guard down.

Stealing signs?

Lurking someone's
Facebook interests

before you start
hitting on them.

Spring training games?

Trying out a few things out
with your friends with benefits.

MATCHMAKER: All right!

That is timel-leeler!

Well, Dax, I mights never
watch a Blue Jays game again

without a fully torqued boner.

Gettin' randy,
John Candy.

Thank you for your wise
and wonderful lessons.

I've really enjoyed
my times with you today.

And I mades you
this Valentine.

Oh, my God.

I'm a hit.
You is.

If you could play one position
in hockey, what would it be?

Back-up goalie.

What?
Ultimate underdog.

Also, they don't
get their hair wet.

Fucking Jeff Hackett.

Ron Tugnutt.
Peter Ing.

Allan Bester.
Damian Rhodes.

Tommy Soderstrom.
Can I ask you something?

You always been a skid or...

Early Marilyn Manson
left his mark.

When that began to fade,
Rammstein came in to replenish.

Slipknot has always sustained.

I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.

I've been a skid for as long
as you hicks have called me one.

Well, cliques are fucking
stupid anyway, so...

Can confirm. Especially jocks.

Oh, I hate jocks.
Hockey players.

Me, too.
Yeah?

I guess the enemy of my enemy
is my friend, eh?

I think I'd rather have
silverfish in my kitchen

than hockey players.

I like to fuck with them
by hitting on them.

Do you really?

Jocks are generally
deeply uncomfortable

with their own sexuality,

they often kick
rocks after that.

You really just
don't give a fuck, do you?

Hard no.

Wondrous.

Favorite Toronto
Maple Leafs tough guy. Go.

Colton Orr.
Tie Domi.

Although Wendel Clark
deserves honorable mention.

But he was also
an all-star so...

BOTH: Wendel's in
a league of his own.

Glen! I think we'd
have another beer.

I'd have a beer.

This is surely a sign
of the apocalypse.

St. Valentine, here I come!

I'll get the beers first.

Do my job.

Nice socks.

Gotta hike 'em up high
if you wanna steal second.

I hear you and Ronsy
are a switch-hitting DP combo.

When a slow dribbler
comes my way,

I love to eat the ball.

Let's see a heads-up play
on the base paths,

so you don't get
caught in a hot box.

I was always taught to
slide face first into the bag.

You know it still counts
as a home run

if I ding it
right off your pole.

I wouldn't mind seeing
your Rusty Kuntz bat

after my Dick Pole.

I am a Doug Fister
type of Lenny Dykstra.

Well, bat me in because I'm
in scoring position.

I just got some mink oil.
You wanna work in this mitt?

Our leadoff hitter is great
in the one hole,

but I'm really looking forward
to our whole lineup

hitting in the two hole and
three hole before the cleanup.

(GASPS)

(SOFTLY) Fuck.

Okay.

I haven't seen you
since the Little League.

Yeah, you really
worked me inside

with your
famous split finger.

If you had adjusted
your stance,

I bet you could have pulled one
without anyone expecting it.

I always liked
an older pitcher

because usually they've
perfected the knuckler.

RJ Dickey?
Suck my RJ Dickey.

My catcher gave me
the sign

to give you
the back door breaking ball.

Really? I was hoping
you'd just scorch me one

right down the pipe.

Hmm. Now I'm sorry about the
low throw last time.

You may need to dig
in the dirt with me.

I'm game for you being
behind the play,

but just the foul tip.

Your stroke is perfect.

I can't wait for you to hit it
where the grass don't grow.

Oh, grass grows
here, here and here.

But I like the challenge.
You really gotta pound my zone.

My fastball ain't what
she used to be.

I'm a real soft tosser.

It's hard for me to wrap
my hands around that one

when I'm getting banged inside.

I'm gonna rope you one
right up the middle.

Oh, fuck.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Sport mackin', huh?

Let's have at it. Give me some
of your best lines.

So my dick died.
Can I bury it in you?

Well, that pickup line
was about as off-putting

as I thought it
was going to be,

so I'm gonna give you this
here Valentines,

and then...
Let's never speak again.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Okay.

"Let's stick together."

I don't get it.

May I speak candidly with you?

I've never known you
to require permission.

I jerked off so hard
before coming here,

I passed out when I got up.

Had my hand not landed
in the fish tank

to keep me alert,

I may still be laying there.

(BLOWS)

I overheard Reilly and Jonesy

playing that "Who would you
rather take down" game,

I was like, "No," you know.

I'd just rather jerk off.

You jerk off before
coming here?

Hey, what's wrong with a man
wanting his steak well-cooked?

Is that criminal?
No.

Well, we just...
We just jerked off.

Doesn't bother me.

But I get it.

Thanks.

What are you doin' later?

(WHISTLES) Ding-dong.

Toughest fourth-liner
who's smaller in stature. Go.

Cam Janssen.
Mmm-hmm.

Aaron Asham.
Mmm-hmm.

PJ Stock.
Prusty.

Rick Rypien. Derek Dorsett.

Those guys aren't really
in the same category,

but Chris Neil was a fucking
underrated killer, eh?

Darcy Hordichuk.

And I wouldn't fuck
with Marty McSorley.

I wouldn't fuck
with Stu Grimson.

I'll tell you what, though.

I'd follow Eric Godard
into battle.

Only guy who ever really
handed it to Boogaard.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

All right, Brian McGrattan
and Shawn Thornton. Last call.

Gail's orders.

So you wanna grab
a few after this?

Always follow a hick
to a second location.

Don't... Don't fucking
make this weird.

Um, look, I need to pay
for this. I got an idea.

Pitter-Patter.

Oh, Stewart,
don't try so hard.

Glen, square up with you.
You can keep the change.

Mind if I grab a few
for the road?

You're not driving
anywhere, Deryk Engelland.

No, you are.

(WHISTLING)

Okay, I'll just get some beers
and meet you at the car.

Okay, so before
the final roundel-lee-ler...

Uh, Gail?
What?

Gotta pay to play.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, that'll do it.

Okay. Uh, now, as a policy,

I like to leave before
the end of the event.

That way, if any of youse
gets handsy when it isn't handy,

and youse look like a handsy
bunch, I'm not liable.

But can I just say this.

Don't call me again, okay?

I have heard conversations
about mitts and holes,

and jerking off.

I'm sorry. It's not who I am.

And, uh, this whole thing,

it's supposed to be
about lovel-lee-ler.

And you's are cruising
to loosel-lee-ler.

ALL: You'll never find love
if you're looking for it.

It's when you're not looking...

You're not even gonna try
to finish the sentence?

Hmm?

No? That's great. That's great.

You know what?
I don't even care, anyway.

Good luck, fuckers.

I don't give a shit
about this. I'm professional.

Who would you rather
take down? Dax or Ron?

Neither.

Makes sense. You're straight.

I'd just rather jerk off.

How'd you like to pen up
with this old goat?

(SIGHS) You know what? Whatever.

Whatever gets me out
of this whole Dax,

Ron and Roald conversation.

And whether or not
they're gonna take him down

is what everyone's on
about, so... God.

Should we take him down?

All warmed up and ready
to trot in from the bullpen.

Playoff rules
in this series.

You know what that means.

Three-man rotation.

BOTH: Roald?

(GASPS) Forgive me.

Well, someone found love
when they were looking for it.

Waste of time.

I don't care
what you wanna call it.

Just whatever gets us past
this whole narrative.

This whole "Dax and Ron taking
down ol' Roaldy" narrative.

Didn't really get a lot
of praccy in, buddy.

Yeah, I just kinda just got
to sit across

from dudes all day, buddy.

Did learn a few things, though.
Yeah? Like what?

All butts are gay
but not all gays have butts.

Nice, bro. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not easy meetin' new gals
in a small town.

I think you only finds love when
you're nots looksing fors it.

I don't really know
what I expected.

Well, you's can expect this.

From mes to youse.
Oh.

I'm having the greatest
Valentime's

of my life, good buddy.

It's a beaver.

Yeah.

Happy Valentine's.
Thanks, good buddy.

I wonder what
Wayne got up to?

If he's lucky...
(CLICKING TONGUE)

This thing on?

Freddy Brathwaite.
Corey Hirsch.

Darcy Wakaluk.
Robb Stauber.

Daren Puppa.

He ended up starting in Tampa.
You're right.

Kay Whitmore.
WAYNE: Nice one.

Nice one, Iafrate.

Nice one, MacInnis.

Everyone spent the day
looking for love

at speed dating
except these two.

And lookie here what happened.

I guess it goes
to show you...

You're never gonna find love
when you're looking for it.

WAYNE: Heads up!
It's when... (SCREAMS)

Wayne, I wasn't looking!

Look, if you're gonna
come to the game,

you keep your eye
on the puck.

You don't wanna
get dinged.

Great advice
from another tough guy.

Don Cherry.
Let's go.

I don't know much about
hockey ball,

but I don't
think this is the game.

Thank you for the tip, Wayne.

Oh, and thank you
for the tip at the bar.

Mwah. Bless you.
You tipped?

What do you mean?
You tipped the waitress?

I tipped Glen, yeah.
How much?

20%.

How much would
you have tipped?

Zero percent.
Zero percent?

I don't tip.

You don't tip your server?

Um, I've been
to Australia, okay?

I'm... Part Australian?

STEWART: Ow!

Yeah, I guess it's about time
a horn sounded on this thing.

Okay, let's go. I'm cold.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

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