Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

Oh...

What's wrong?

Ah, beer's too cold.

It's no colder than usual.

I don't know, maybe I got a bad tooth.

( chuckles ): Alex, uh, a bad tooth isn't a maybe thing.

I got a bad tooth.

Yeah.

It's all right, though.

It doesn't hurt until I, uh,

drink something cold

or suck air through my teeth.

And you haven't done anything about it?

I quit sucking air through my teeth.

( Alex groans ) Why don't you see a dentist?

I can't get myself to make an appointment. Oh.

Alex, you're afraid of dentists?

No, not dentists, necessarily. I'm just afraid of any man

who likes to dig and pick in someone's mouth

with sharp instruments, that's all.

Alex, why don't you let me make an appointment for you?

I've got a dentist who's almost painless.

Okay, look, make the appointment for me,

but please do me one favor--

don't tell me when until it's just time to go.

( chuckles ) I want just enough time to get there

and not enough time to think about it.

Ow. Ow. Do you know that you're acting like a child?

Oh, yeah, and tell him I want to be treated like a child.

( whispers ): I'll make him do it.

Oh, wow... Hmm?

That's a beautiful lady.

I'm in love.

With my woman?

Hey, I saw her first.

What do you mean you saw her first?

What makes you think you saw her first?

Uh, I'm a boxer-- my reactions are quicker.

Great. She's alone.

BOBBY: She's also available.

Oh, come on, Bobby. You don't know that.

Well, sure I do. She's not wearing a ring.

You caught that when she walked by?

Hey, Tony, I'm an actor.

I'm trained to observe people closely.

Okay...

What color is Tony's shirt?

I don't know.

( chuckles ): Alex's shirt?

I don't know.

The buttons on her coat?

Brown with tan marbling and rose-colored thread.

He's right!

ALEX: Lucky guess.

Hey, I pay attention to women, you know?

( chuckles ): Too much.

What are you talking about?

You don't pay attention

to women--

you, uh, collect them.

Hey, y-you know, that's not true, Elaine.

Oh, no?

How many women have you dated this year?

Who counts?

You. Fifteen.

I'm asking her out.

How can you ask her out?

I'm going to ask her out.

Aw, come on, Bobby. Let me, man.

I'm your friend. I need her more than you do.

I mean, really. What are you talking about?

You're going out with Cathy.

Oh, no. I broke up with her.

When?

Soon as I can get

to a telephone.

Well, listen,

I'm real sorry about that,

but I got to ask this lady out, man.

Aw, come on. How come you can't

pass up one woman for a friend?

Hormones, I guess. I don't know.

I got just as many hormones as you,

maybe more.

Anyway, why should you get her?

Because I saw her first, man. No, no, Bobby.

I saw her first.

No, I saw her first.

Will you guys sit down?

( mutters )

Now, we're not gonna get anywhere with an argument like that.

You have to think of a more reasonable way to do this.

Why don't we flip a coin?

Okay. All right.

Hey, Alex, you flip it. Yeah.

ELAINE: I can't believe this. Hmm?

You are actually going to do that?

I mean, she is a person there, not some object

to be obtained by one lousy flip of a coin.

You know, Elaine's right-- make it two out of three.

Good.

You're actually going to do this?

Hey, we gotta do something, Elaine.

We both can't ask her out, can we?

Hey, Bobby, how come we both can't ask her out?

That's fair, ain't it? We both saw her.

I'd ask her out if he wasn't here,

and you'd ask her out if I wasn't here,

so let's both ask her out like nobody's here.

Argue with that one.

Hey, I think that makes sense.

I'll ask her first.

Wait a minute. Let's both go first.

We can't both go first.

Oh, look, it doesn't make any difference who goes first.

It's a bad idea.

What if she agrees to go out with both of you?

Hey, Alex, come on. There aren't that many women

that like either one of us, let alone both of us.

You know, and, and if she says no

to both of us, that's fine.

If she says yes, it's no big deal.

( scoffs ) We both go out with her

and whoever hits it off best,

well, that's the way it is.

But, but, but what if you both start dating her?

Hey, we're not going to have to face that,

'cause we're gonna settle this after the first date.

Okay, let's agree that we both go out with her,

and whoever hits it off best with her gets to keep her.

Okay. All right.

Hey, but who gets to ask her first?

We'll let Alex flip a coin for that.

Okay.

All right, Alex. Go ahead.

Come on. Come on, Alex. Come on.

Okay, okay. Just one flip.

All right. All right.

Call it.

Tails. Tails.

Which is it?

What do you mean, "Which is it"?"

Just one of you call it.

Well, which one of us, Alex?

I'm thinking of a number...

Five.

I wanted five.

Tough luck.

Why don't you draw straws to see who gets five?

Okay, look, uh, Tony,

you got heads, Bobby you got tails.

Okay?

( coin clatters )

Once again.

All right.

Tails. ( chuckles )

Thanks a lot, Alex.

Hey, uh...

wish me luck, all right?

TONY: Not the hair flip.

And on top of that, he's going to use

one of them great lines of his.

You know, the guy's got a million great lines, Elaine.

They all work, too-- every one of them.

You know, I ain't got one great line.

Look at him. It's working-- it's really working.

Oh... there's not a thing I can do about it, either.

Nothing. Nothing I can do.

( Alex mumbles ) Yes, there is.

Hey, lady!

Anything he says-- me, too.

You almost through with the cab?

Yes, almost.

Good boy, Latka.

Ten cabs in one day-- that's a lot of work, isn't it?

Yes, I know.

Okay, now,

just so that you know that your work hasn't gone unnoticed--

as soon as you finish with this cab...

Yeah.

...I'm going to let you tune up my mother's car.

But... but, eh, but that is more work.

No, no, no.

Ma's tune-up is a bonus.

Oh...

( whispers ): A bonus. Bonus?

Yeah.

But, what is a bonus?

A bonus is... is something that a boss gives a worker

when he thinks he's doing a good job.

Congratulations.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Not so fast.

Is bonus good?

Bonus? Sure, it's great.

Yeah, everyone wants one.

Okay, thank you very much.

There's plenty more where that came from.

Hi, guys. ELAINE: Hi.

Well, hiya, Tony. Whadda you say, Lou?

How was your weekend?

Oh, it was good.

Did you and Bobby both go out with Janet? Yup.

He took her out on Friday, and I took her out on Saturday.

ALEX: Oh. Oh.

So what happens now?

You, uh, compare notes?

Declare a winner?

Collect the prize?

Hey, Elaine, I don't know what you're getting so upset about.

Hey, Elaine, uh, can I speak to you

man to man?

Sure.

Elaine... Bobby's a good-looking guy, huh?

Yeah.

He's probably, like, the best-looking guy in the garage?

Oh, gee, I don't know, he might be.

He's fun to be with most of the time?

Yeah, I, I'd say so.

And he's probably the most talented

and most interesting guy around?

( chuckles ): Could be, yeah.

Gee, the guy's got the market cornered

on everything but pitiful.

( chuckles )

Ah, but Tony, you're attractive, too.

Yeah? Yeah.

How attractive?

I mean, like, on a scale of one to ten,

where Louie's one and Robert Redford's number ten.

Um, I think there's more than nine numbers

between those two.

But Tony, in my book you're a ten.

Elaine...

Oh...

ALEX: Hey, hello, Bob.

Hey, Al.

Hey, Bobby, how'd it go Friday?

Friday? Friday.

What was Friday? Oh, Friday!

Oh, you mean my date with Janet. Oh, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, how'd it work out for you?

How'd it work out for you?

I asked you first.

Here we go again.

It was great, Tony.

I know. She's the kind of girl

you could really get serious about.

You know, my date with her

was one of the greatest nights of my whole life.

Oh, yeah? Well, I got that beat, 'cause my date with her

was one of the greatest nights of my life.

I guess you're not going to give her up, huh?

No, I'm going out with her again tomorrow.

But I got tickets for the fights for us tomorrow.

Well, it's too bad, Tony, because I'm going to ask her out.

Going to ask her out? I... Ooh!

Not if I can get to her...

Tony...

( singsong voice ): Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya.

Uh, you can't dial from there.

Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya.

All right. Now, give me that receiver, Tony.

Tony, give it to me, and don't make me do something I'm going to regret--

like hitting myself and getting killed.

Hey, hey, hey. Now, now,

this is getting out of hand, here.

Yeah, it's rotten. It's really rotten.

You want to know how rotten it is?

Look.

Louie likes it.

Now, come on.

Okay, okay... okay, listen, Tony,

I'm not going to fight you over the receiver.

Here, take it.

Oh, well, that's good, Bobby.

Hey, thanks, Bob.

I just remembered, she's not home.

Hey, Bobby, I got to warn you.

I really am serious about this girl.

Tony, you're not right for her.

Can't you see that?

I mean, what are you gonna possibly talk to her about

when you're alone?

What are you saying?

He's saying you're stupid.

Hey, Louie? Louie, shut up, will ya?

I wouldn't take that from him, Banta.

Is that what you're saying, Bobby?

Now, hey, Tony y... Is it?

Well, listen, I wasn't going to put it that way.

That's it, Bob, you just went too far.

Tony, now, just take it easy.

No, man. I can't let nobody say things like that.

I don't let nobody call me stupid.

Tony, you're a boxer. You've got to

remember that. You're a boxer.

Don't worry about it--

he's a boxer like you're an actor.

No, Bobby, I can't let you shoot your mouth off like that.

You call me stupid, you gotta get hit.

Tony, you can't hit me. I barely survive the poking.

Tony, now, come on.

No, Elaine. I'm going

to do this this time. What?

O-O-Okay, okay, listen, uh... I'll hit myself.

What is he talking about?

No, no, no, really, look, look.

I'll... let me do it, all right?

( groans and coughs )

Not hard enough.

That's harder than you've ever hit anybody.

Hey, hey, hey. I can take direction.

One of, one of the things I'm good at, okay.

All right. Here we go.

( groans louder and coughs )

Now, now, Tony, that one really staggered me.

In the face.

Oh, oh, oh, Tony... Tony, not the face.

Oh, oh, okay, okay, the face, all right.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Cut this out, cut this out.

What am I doing? Breaking up a fight between one guy.

No! No!

We still got something to settle, Bobby.

Well, can't you settle it without fists?

Don't ask them to match wits-- we'll be here all day.

ELAINE: You know what

really bothers me about this?

It's that neither one of you has even considered

making a sacrifice for your friendship.

All right, I'll make a sacrifice.

I won't hit Bobby.

ELAINE: Oh!

Well, uh, it's a start.

What about you?

Okay, I won't hit me, either.

Can't be fairer than that, can we?

But Tony, as far as Janet's concerned, it's war.

Yeah, and may the best man win.

Eh!

( Louie laughing )

You know who I feel sorry for?

That poor young girl.

Torn between two losers.

( humming )

Hi, Bob.

Hey, Alex.

Ooh, your girlfriend Janet called.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, what'd she want?

Tony.

Hey, Alex, uh, could you lend me 30 bucks?

I want to take Janet out tonight.

Now, look, this is getting ridiculous, you know that?

You borrow money from me

to take her someplace expensive,

then Tony borrows money

from me to take her someplace more expensive,

then you borrow money from me

to take her someplace even more expensive than that!

I've never spent so much money on a woman in my life.

All right.

LATKA: Bobby...

I hear you, eh, you have a new girlfriend?

Me, too.

Oh, then what is, eh, your, the name of your girlfriend?

Janet.

Oh, and what is the name of your girlfriend?

Janet.

Oh, well, that's easy to remember;

it's the same name.

It's the same girl.

Wait a minute.

You're, you mean, you mean, you're going to, to tell me...

you're telling me that is one girl

and she loves the both of you

and she care for both of you and go out with both of you?

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

Well, could I meet her?

Hey, Alex, uh, could I borrow $30?

I have to take...

No! Now, look, this business with Janet

has got to stop right now.

You can't go on spending

the kind of money you've been spending--

mine!

Hey, Alex, I really, I hate to do it, honest,

but I got to keep up with Bobby. I mean...

You guys are going about this all wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, uh...

Well, how does Janet feel about it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You mean, neither of you has had a serious conversation with her

about this problem?

No, I, I haven't.

Have you, Tony?

Uh-uh.

Well, uh, well, what do you guys talk about with her

when you're alone?

Well, I don't know...

Oh, how great she is...

Me, too.

Anything else?

Oh, what beautiful eyes she has...

Yeah, we had that talk.

Yeah, then we talk about me sometimes, you know.

Oh, me, too.

She calls me her, uh,-- sorry, Bobby--

her tough teddy bear.

Her, uh, smart teddy bear.

Ah...

A very complex relationship.

Yeah. I haven't seen anything like it

since I stopped reading Archie comic books.

You know something, Elaine?

I've had just about enough from you.

Careful, Nardo.

If he gets mad he could beat himself silly.

I mean, you've been going around making

a lot of snide remarks for the last week,

since this thing with Janet started.

A-And if you got any better ideas how to handle it,

I'd like to hear them.

Okay, I got a better idea.

Yeah, okay, come on.

Yeah. Why don't you ask Janet

which one of you she prefers to go on seeing?

Oh, that's crazy.

Hey, it's okay with me, Bobby.

I think Elaine's idea is a great one--

a lot cheaper.

Hey, it's all right with me.

I, uh, I'm going to meet her at Mario's in a little while.

I'll ask her then.

Hey, wait a minute. I got to be there when she chooses.

Okay, but you let me explain things to her.

Hey, wait a minute, Bob. We gotta do this together, Bob.

We can't both do it together, Tony.

Well, then let Alex do it, he's neutral.

Great. Hey...

Hey, Alex... could you do this thing for us?

Now, now, look.

Enough of this high school stuff, okay?

Now, the answer is no and you'll just have to accept it.

Now, I'm not gonna get any more involved

with this little triangle

that you're trying to form here.

Well, it's a good thing, 'cause you can't go anyway.

Why not?

You have a dentist appointment in 30 minutes.

Ah, here you go, gentlemen.

Draft...

light...

lukewarm.

Enjoy it.

What are you gonna say to her, Alex?

You'll just have to wait to find out, just like I am.

I don't know. I guess I'll just say, uh,

"Janet, you'll have to help us out here,

"because my friends are just too infantile and immature

"and just plain silly to be able to deal with this situation

all by themselves."

I like it. I like it. Yeah, that'll get her attention,

boy, let me tell you.

Ooh, there they are... tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dumber.

And who's this I see standing at the bar?

Why, Land-o-Goshen, it's Mary Worth.

Glad I got a good seat for this one.

Wouldn't want to miss a moment.

Tommy, suds.

Coming up, Louie.

Louie, will you get lost?

Not a chance.

I'll give you a buck.

It's worth more than a buck to me

to see one of these guys get blown out of the saddle.

All right, make it ten bucks.

Okay.

See ya.

BOBBY: Thanks, Alex.

Hi, guys.

Dump the both of them.

Hi, Bobby.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Janet.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Oh, but I'm glad you are.

I've got something for you.

You left your watch at my place.

I had it engraved.

Oh, wow...

"To Tony, the next heavyweight champ."

Gee, thanks, Janet, but you shouldn't have done this.

Why not? I wanted to.

I'm a middleweight.

And it's my watch.

Janet, listen. Here, sit down for a second, okay?

Something's come up that's real serious,

and, uh, we got to talk about it.

Yeah, all three of us.

This may be the most intimate and personal problem

that we've ever had to deal with.

What is it?

Alex'll tell you.

( chuckles )

Look, Janet,

there's hardly anything that I can say

that you haven't thought of all by yourself, anyway.

I mean, you must realize that this situation

has to come to an end.

( chuckles )

What situation?

What situation?

Well, I mean, the fact you're going out

with Bobby and Tony at the same time.

I mean, you must understand, you know,

that this can't go on any longer.

Why not?

Why not?

I'm beginning to wish that I went to the dentist.

You-you're not going to make me choose one of them, are you?

BOBBY: Hey, Janet,

what Alex is trying to say is, uh... Tony and I,

we're just not mature enough to handle this thing.

We know we're putting you on the spot, Janet,

but it's killing us.

You're really serious about this?

I mean, you're prepared to have me choose one of you right now,

and both of you will accept it?

Yeah, we talked it over and we're sure we can handle this.

Okay, my choice is...

BOTH: Wait a minute!

Hey, it just can't be that easy for you.

Yeah, take a minute, mull it over.

Yeah. Come on, now, take your time.

I mean, 'cause we're in no hurry.

Yeah, yeah. Go over to another table

and work on it for a while.

You know, make it look tough, anyway.

There's a table over there.

Boy.

Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

I'm gonna go.

There are other tattered lives to mend, you know.

Alex, you know, Tony and I,

we really would like to repay you, you know.

Yeah, well, don't mention it.

Yeah, but we'd really like to...

No, that's how you will repay me--

by not mentioning it ever again. Thank you.

( sighs )

Well, I guess this is it, Tone.

Yeah, I guess so, Bobby.

You know, I...

I just want to say, Tony, you know,

I-I've been acting real crummy the past week, and, uh...

I-I just want to say I'm sorry.

Me, too, Bobby.

Yeah.

How am I doing?

Will you shut up!

All right.

Here's my decision.

It's...

Hold it... wai-wait a minute, I...

I don't think I want to hear it.

Now what?

Well, it just occurred to me

that no matter what your decision is,

one of us is going to feel really lousy,

and I don't want that to be my friend Tony,

and even more important, I don't want it to be me.

So, uh, I don't think

I want to hear your choice is.

Whisper it.

Tony! Don't you understand what I'm saying here?

Our friendship could end forever right here.

Eh, maybe you got a point, Bobby.

So let me understand this:

Now, neither one of you wants to see me anymore?

Yeah. Yeah, that's what it comes down to.

Well, that's real nice.

I mean, the two of you have made up your minds

and you don't care what I have so say.

Listen, I know this is, like,

really hard on you and everything.

Yeah, and we're real sorry, Janet.

No, no, don't apologize.

If that's the way you want it, that's the way it'll be.

I certainly don't want to come between good friends.

I'd sure like to know how to get back at you.

Maybe this way:

Maybe, maybe by telling you that I was going to see to it

that the guy I chose had the time of his life tonight.

The kind of night that men dream about.

The kind of night that... that would be so good

that it'd make a man real happy that he's a man.

Oh, by the way?

Um, I don't have to stick to anybody's rules.

The person that I was going to pick...

Hey, it doesn't make any difference...

was Bobby.

Oh, no, no, no!

I think we did the right thing.

Alex, I made another dentist appointment for you.

Oh. Great, Elaine. Thank you.

Oh, same deal as before?

Don't tell me until it's just about time to go?

Okay. Okay, thanks.

It's time.

Now?

You got ten minutes to get there. Come on.

I can't go now.

My tooth stopped hurting.

Hey, imagine that.

Go figure-- teeth.

Alex, a bad tooth doesn't just get better.

No, no, no. Elaine, I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.

I open for a quarter.

Okay.

Okay.

Drink this cold soda pop.

Sure.

I don't know how you did that,

but if you are that determined not to go, well, forget it.

Elaine?

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )