Original subtitles

and vast

importance vast

importance to each and every one of

you this document gentlemen sets forth

the rules regulating an agreement to

enter upon a venture known as a

tontine a tontine is in point of fact a

lottery a lottery plain and simple

gentlemen simple into this tontine each

parent or Guardian has placed for each

of you and in your name the sum of

£1,000 Sterling the sum so constituted

is to be administered by a self

perpetuating board and held in trust by

them for whomsoever survives

survive this

£20,000 will grow and grow under astute

management who will charge but a nominal

fee and this by then great sum will be

handed to the one amongst you who is the

last surviving member of the tontine it

is as plain and as simple as that

therefore allow me to say in conclusion

long life to all but since no shall be

present when the winner has won has won

let us cheer him now he whom fate sees

fit to

favor

he

[Applause]

[Music]

ho

[Music]

Cannon reloaded Canon reloaded sir then

far sir you heard me man

[Music]

fire never fear ladies he knows his prey

ah see

[Music]

Yonder

[Music]

kill

in the name how the

[Music]

queen and so it gives me great pleasure

to name this ship

repulsion God bless all who sail in

[Music]

her

you

[Music]

spine they disorganized Victory soon be

ours s the charge s the W give that to

me you

[Applause]

[Music]

fool

right now then my good man what's all

this poppycock about the m not being

safe eh speak up what's wrong with

it not yet tumba you must learn the

white man's code it is not sporting it

is not done to fire at Rhino until is

actually

[Music]

[Music]

charging

[Music]

when I die my

son all

this will be

yours yes

Father

[Music]

in

recognition of your many and varied

services to The Crow

[Music]

a dub

thee

oh we are frightfully sorry sir

[Music]

Robert

[Music]

oh

Michael Yes

uh yes

grandfather the

time has

come yes yes I really believe the time

has

come at

last at

last

that's fter you're a very quick man to

the sheet Michael oh yes yes you said

you see sir I thought I know what you

thought sir but let me tell you

something death cannot be assumed simply

because Signs of Life are not

present hasn't that medical school

taught you how to take a pulse oh we

have touched on it sir sir but mostly we

cut up

things do you know what this is no sir I

gave it to you unopened hackit is dead

hackit sir ebena hackit went to school

with him an unpleasant name for a dirty

little boy and an even dirtier old man

died of the pox no doubt now the point

is Sir it only leaves my brother Joseph

and me in the tantine oh yes I see sir

do you so do you I doubt it I I doubt it

but we're not concerned with you are we

he we're concerned with me my thoughts

and feelings that's right yes now you

ought to go and get Joseph and tell him

I want to see him yes

sir won't that upset you sir upset me

but of course it'll upset me but nothing

will upset me more than not winning the

tontine and leaving you with a mountain

of debts and a doubtful future as an

idiot in a profession of Rogues and

charlatans so go and get him and tell

him I'm dying

thank you

peacock privilege

sir how's your grandfather this morning

he says he's dying peacock oh we all see

that but peacock he wants to see his

brother

Joseph Master Joseph

yes we haven't even spoken to each other

for 40 years yes I know

peacock he must be

D yes goodbye

peacock there too much excitement in

this

[Music]

house

yes who is

that oh uh

yes uh is Joseph Finsbury at

home I can't hear you could you speak a

little

[Music]

lower is Joseph Finsbury at home laa

[Music]

is

Joseph oh

uh Joseph

Finsbury is he at home no he is not

[Music]

ah could you tell me then when he is

expected who may I ask is inquiring oh

allow

me allow me to introduce myself I am

Michael Finsbury of the same name

oh oh I'm sorry to seem so inhospitable

but in the past 12 months alone over 320

girls in the greater London area have

been attacked by Persons Unknown and

many of them are necessarily mutilated

do come in oh

yes thank

you they do say it's something to do

with the

weather

oh

yes so you're Michael Finsbury

Yes actually Michael Hubert Gregory

Finsbury and I am your cousin Julia yes

I

know do come in thank

[Music]

you ah yes uh do you

uh do you breed Birds oh no cousin

Morris is an Ardent collector of eggs he

has spent most of his adult life in the

pursuit of them most commendable oh do

you think so I find them obscene well

yes yes of course they are

obscene I suddenly see now how obscene

they

are he doesn't pursue Birds I take it no

only eggs well I'm glad because that

would be even more obscene oh I can see

you are a deep thinker like me what is

your particular interest oh my my

consuming interest is the human

body oh I I I I am studying to be a

surgeon at St Mary's oh I see so that's

where you go every morning I see you

often through the window oh what an

extraordinary coincidence I look at you

through the window and I I've often had

a burning

desire to nod but my grandfather does

not approve of such things no is my

uncle

Joseph

yes

well there it is

then is he at home your uncle Joseph oh

no he is in Bournemouth taking the son

with cousin Morris and cousin John

oh might I inquire why you are inquiring

well my grandfather is dying oh oh it's

nothing serious he's been dying for

years but now he seems to have taken a

turn for the worse and he wants

desperately to see his brother before it

is too

late well you you could send Uncle

Joseph a

telegraph they say the telegraphic

service has much to commend it yes I've

heard them say

that what an excellent

idea I've never sent

one one should always broaden once

Horizons oh

yes

yes

well that's what I'll do

then oh thank you for pointing out to me

how obscene eggs

are it was it was the most ill excuse me

it was the most Illuminating

observation

oh it was superb of you to call oh not

at all I hope I shall see a great deal

more of

you oh well uh off to St Mary oh yes I

I'm I'm sure they have need of you

there along with everything else Uncle

Joseph says there there are 124 tropical

diseases that can be contracted here in

England mainly from fresh fruit

returning Travelers

and HS in public

[Music]

places

124 yes

really I must make a note of

that goodbye

goodbye

[Music]

oh

oh listen to me all you EG I met him I

finally met

him

oh yes it's Michael Finsbury again oh we

mustn't make a habit of this people will

begin to talk well I I I fully agree

it's just that I don't know where to

send the telegraph

oh Mrs gu's boarding house Mrs gu's

boarding house flood Road floden Road

bourou Bourn

mouth

hands

hands

funny John what are you doing you're

supposed to be looking after Uncle

Joseph ah Uncle Joseph I knew there was

somebody I was supposed to to be looking

after um I merely threw my body across

this young lady to protect her from the

falling uh thing you realize you made me

drop my

gree I'm awfully sorry Morris come

outside oh Mr John do you think he'll

get me my notice oh don't worry I'll

take care of Mrs G tonight then 8:00

behind the band down oh you insatable

creature John I'm

waiting you must control this Obsession

you have for chambermaids and other

girls of that class I try night and day

I try oh there you are boys I was just

about to take this Telegraph to your

uncle Telegraph from whom I don't know

Mr Morris private matters are private

with me I'll take

it we must relive our Madness tonight

10:00 under the

bear

I'm coming

cousin what is it cousin look at

that bra we're going to win we're going

to

win later later no time for celebration

now

Uncle have you been smoking again uncle

and you've got yourself in a draft he

set the window open we shut it then and

get his coat and things Uncle dear

you're going out going out well that'll

be jolly yes you're going to London

London yes now where did that put where

is

it ah here it is now London now if you

ascribe a number to each letter of the

alphabet beginning with a as 1 b as two

culminating with the letter Zed as 26

then the letters that compose the word

London add up to 74 which coincidentally

is my age lovely Uncle Now read this yes

come on now get into your why why why

why this unseemly haste your brother is

dying what what did you say what

masterman masterman dying this must be

the effect of the nutmeg to not make

when he was at Harrow he lived on Little

Else where your gloves are gloves I do

know I have for some time been compiling

exhaustive notes on the peculiarities of

spices and herbs in common use and I

have discovered that it can be

authoritatively proved that the

excessive Indulgence in nutmegs leads to

hallucination and general debilitation

but pepper on the other hand in any form

of variety passes through the human body

without any effect on the organs it is

absolutely no value nutritive or

otherwise but in the case of cinnamon or

CL Uncle yes you have a question read

your

paper tontin lovely word ton a

derivation from the name Lorenzo tonti a

banker of neopolitan persuasion read

your paper

Uncle Maris have you any idea how much

it's

worth well over

£100,000 and we've earned every penny of

it true cousin true we've diverted our

Liv to him we were two little orphans we

waited on him hand and foot it wasn't

easy keeping him alive yes it was

difficult we kept him from the drafts we

warmed his shoes before we put them on

WE tucked him up in bed at night we fed

him every sort of tonic never thinking

of ourselves first in our hearts first

in our minds and now after all these

years he's

gone he's he's

gone

you go that

way excuse me sir excuse you sir analyst

young pup ought to be in the

Army i b your pardon sir I take it these

seats are not

reserved I see you are proficient in the

ancient and Noble art of knitting I'm

sure sure you know that examples of

knitting much like your Afghan there

date back to the mainstream of the

Egyptian

civilization how the avocational

activities of man are many and varied

some demand skill yours for instance

carpentry oh the plague of games with

balls of various

sizes have you found him no come on then

this way some demand inspiration oil

painting or the writing of epars the

rest of us are uninspired lot collecting

my nephew for

instance with whom I

traveling collect bird's eggs and I for

the last 63 years have been collecting

facts

you seems safe enough

yes what a joy it is to indulge in

convivial conversation with a fellow

being a kindred spirit this will prove

the most amiable Journey you pursuing

your hobby and Me

Mine Bournemouth Strangler escapes large

scale murder hunt in Three Counties h

murder of

murderers I once gave an informal

lecture on the subject I wonder if

you're aware sir of the fact that there

is an increasing number of unsolved

murders every year now this fact I

gleaned from a pamphlet on the subject

by the noted criminologist Sir Henry

stup whose own murder I might add was

never

solv Hi Words I I perceive we're

traveling at the goodest

rate

you realize sir I state only facts no

opinions and this fascinates everyone I

reach

oh don't be alarmed I shall continue but

for the moment I must take my

le

[Applause]

next St cing

St

St

Morris I may or may not be back in a

[Music]

moment uncle where are you

going

Uncle

dare you madam I apologies I'm looking

for my uncle do I look like anybody's

Uncle no no

[Applause]

sry

what do you make that up to me what

[Applause]

[Applause]

that Tate is it it is you

know it's the 440 out of Landon it's the

450 out of

[Music]

B

[Applause]

[Music]

me

help me help me somebody I think there's

been an

accident Fred yeah we haven't heard the

last of this out

the what's going on here sir control

yourself control your look here stop all

this damn rioting now look here you men

doubt that far in the baggage van now

the children would arrange themselves

according to height and the women would

master in alphabetical order now I want

a couple of volunteers you and you now

follow

me that's right get those bags down form

a human

chain

sir I didn't lose my right eye in the

Indian Mutiny to have my left eye

offended by the Youth of England

standing around with our asses hanging

out dress yourself sir dress yourself

most disgusting sights I've ever seen

dress yourself sir you are I suppose

aware of the fact that accidents occur

with more frequency on standard gauge

Railways Abigail

Abigail

abigil anyone toen

[Music]

abigil

John come out of there where's Uncle

Joseph where is he I I just having a

look for him in

there moris do you realize it's a

criminal offense to wear that c I'm not

wearing any

trousers but that too is a criminal

Affair Uncle

J I hope you don't mind if I take my

lead oh would you sir

Uncle

Joseph Uncle

Joseph Uncle

[Music]

Joseph

cousin oh oh no oh don't tell me I can't

bear it is it him of course it's him how

do you know it's him well look at his

coat it's his

coat is he

dead what's left of him is very dead

indeed are you going to say a prayer or

something not at a time like this now

you listen to me Uncle Joseph you may be

dead but you listen to me you're a nasty

mean spiteful vindictive old man to do

this to do little orphans your brother's

on his deathbed couldn't you waited

today Al you

stupid look I'll get some help

wait let me

think into the

woods right

here with him who uncle Joseph into the

woods with Uncle J don't stand there the

tontin we may still win it he's dead

he's not dead until I say he's

dead hey

Hey

sir I Wonder Sir if you and your fine

Bay gilding are heading for London I am

sir and what would you ask a passenger

your company would be payment enough sir

oh well thank

you

hey well I wonder if you realize how

many times the word whip occurs in the

Old Testament 174 times oh I see you're

impressed but but that figure is

infinitism when you consider that the

Bible contains

77417 words Al together and it is a

remarkable

fact duon will be here all night at this

rate but a pend KN is not the Ideal tool

Is It Anyway I don't think we ought to

be doing this I don't want to go to

prison don't stop up sniveling in that

revolting way if you can't dig a hoe for

him cover him in leaves or something

cover him why do I always have to do the

dirty work because you are remarkably

stupid yes I forgot that sorry any case

I have to look after my hands petal soft

hands are the mark of a great

ornithologist now get on with

it moris look I beg of you let's have

done with this uh let's get a an

Undertaker he won't be too expensive and

he'll do professional job we are not

burying him we're not we are merely

hiding him we're merely hiding him now

what we need is a venal doctor but Uncle

Joseph's dead it's too late not for him

for us now you remember that chambermaid

you got into um thing thing who was the

Doctor Who did the um thing uh Pratt Dr

Pratt was he venal I I didn't like to

ask well did he do the thing yes good

but what's he got to do with it is part

of the plan now you and I are the only

two people in the world who know that

Uncle Joseph is um thing dead and we

won't tell anyone but people are bound

to find out sooner or later not quite

yet now uncle masterman at best has only

two or 3 Days to Live when he goes I'll

announce that Uncle Joseph has died of a

heart attack on hearing the tragic news

of his brother's death I then go along

to your accommodating doct um Pratt

thing he provides me with a blank death

certificate for Uncle Joseph I fill in

the date and the tontine is mine ours

we'll go into that

later there come moments in life cousin

when every man must find moral courage

your moment is about to come it is it is

I'll go to London tell everybody that

you and Uncle Joseph have been delayed

you go back to Bourn and remain there

till I send for you I see but um

what about him I'm coming to that you

must find a suitable box or container

crate him up and send him back to London

we shall after all need him at the

funeral create him in a box what sort of

box something of suitable size and

robustness for a man in that

condition if you love me

sir I will take charge of the rest of

the

packaging all right peacock

but uh don't lean too far in the

barrel I say wece the telegraph it must

be from Uncle oh

Dr No it's from Lady Pitman she's

sending back that statue we sent her

says it's a

fraud I am having it created and sent

back to you at

once was it a fraud

peacock life is a fraud Master maker yes

peacock well this is all right isn't it

this should fetch a good price at sou

past will it if it arrives in one

p well there's nothing else to sell

except the

piano but it's all right peacock I'll

answer

Michael Finsbury do I presume yes I'm

your cousin Morris Finsbury oh do come

in thank you isn't Uncle Joseph with you

alas no my dear Uncle like your beloved

grandfather is of advancing years and

declining Health grandfather will be

disappointed may I take your coat uh no

thank you no thank you Uncle Joseph is

naturally deeply concerned with his

brother's death I mean illness or is he

already oh no no no not yet what a

relief to us all I know you are a

medical student cousin so I need hardly

remind you that blood is thicker than

water yes five times as I believe Uncle

Joseph is valiantly gathering what

remains of his strength in order to come

to London in the next day or two to be

with his dear brother at the end well I

do hope he will be in time uncle

masterman is that

low yes oh I am filled with an immense

grief that that proud and lovely man

should oh my

God

sir sir it's me Morris oh look at that

Noble face ravaged by time those eyes

filled with pain oh I should never have

forgiven myself if I hadn't seen you

before cousin but you shouldn't be out

of bed cousin this is our Butler no need

to call him I can assist my own FL

blood who's the

butler I have that honor sir how dare

you embrace me grandfather is upstairs

sleeping all right peacock you may

go thank you master

Michael thank you too

Colonel um I too must be on my way

cousin I have some urgent pressing

business you will let us know the moment

Uncle Joseph arrives as soon as I've got

the date that is immediately a great

pity dear cousin that grief is the agent

responsible for bringing us together

after all these

[Music]

years

cousin Morris had no trousers on peacock

if you say so

[Music]

sir For Heaven's Sake Julia oh it's you

moris I thought it was the Bournemouth

Strangler it says in the papers he might

be in London do I look like the

Bournemouth Strangler well yes you could

be

Morris why are you wearing that strange

coat because it suits me to wear it I

think you should have it

shortened isn't Uncle Joseph with you uh

no um the news contained in the

telegraph came as a great shock to him

he is remaining in Bournemouth with

cousin John and now I must bid you good

night good night cousin you won't always

wear that coat will you it's very

frightening it could easily have been

the bornwood Strangler instead of you I

might have been stalked by him and in

fleeing being trampled by a runaway

horse perhaps a a large tole in my head

my brain spilling out all over shaft spr

Avenue oh wouldn't that have been a

homecoming for you going to the Mory to

identify my poor crushed

body

body what body no body moris I I was

just thinking aloud you mustn't use that

word it isn't becoming oh I meant a dead

body

moris not what is under a person's

clothing

Julia now

why did I say

[Music]

that see that it gets on the first

available

train

I I with your pan it's rather

heavy there have of course been many

many editions of the Bible some famous

some Infamous for instance there is the

wicked Bible so-called because the word

not is omitted from the seventh

commandment making it read Thou shalt

commit adultery a small error which

could encourage certain sections of the

populace to a frenzy of immorality

unknown since first century Rome

speaking of which have you heard that

the emperor Helio gabas I'm afraid sir

this is as far as I go what oh Splendid

excellent excellent many many thanks 13

hours seemed but so many minutes well

perhaps you might care to know who your

fellow traveler was none other than

Joseph Finsbury scholar extra ordinary

lecturer and one of the two Englishmen

living who can speak pure

Swahili

Mardi well said so well well who knows

perhaps our paths may cross again God

save us

ah

[Music]

good

good yes thank you

peacock it is peacock isn't

it how long has it been I came as quick

as I could it's Master Joseph

peacock

Master forgive me sir must all of 40

years yes yes I remember clear the last

time I saw you on that very day the

American Colonel coat the inventor of

the coat revolver used electricity to

detonate a torpedo thereby destroying a

brg in full sale upon the pumac in

Washington DC the present though not the

former capital of the United States New

York City being the first I take it my

brother is upstairs yes sir may I

announce your sir no no I will announce

myself

you might perhaps bring me a cup of tea

I am a trifle Peete with pleasure China

of course you remember I developed a

taste for it in Turkey during the 23rd

Revolution

there

yeah

masterman

masterman is that you mother it's I

Joseph

Joseph Brother

Joseph what

unexpected Joy don't text yourself

brother I I am raised in spirits already

doesn't raise mine to find you so lying

in the very bed in which our dear papa

passed from us I am soon to follow his

example I feel never said but I do say

it last week old heckit next week or

even

before old masterman ah yes poor heckit

I must somehow attend his

funeral Our Generation brother is on its

way to Valhalla or as the red Indian so

aptly put it the Happy Hunting

Ground let me uh give you a glass of of

good

cheer it will seal the occasion and

revive your your spirits oh no thanks

I've asked for some tea

oh well what what is it brother should I

sell for a physician no no no sin for no

one I only want

you Cho oh oh Jojo Jojo oh those Boyhood

names oh what what fond memories they

recall my goodness my gracious what what

what what is

it are you hurt no no no I I needed some

a I must I must have air open the window

J yes yes yes yes

yes oh where my soul you're you're down

again here let let

me oh yes now

you you lie here and let me let me open

the window

was there was there surely surely the

populace are not

demonstrating yesterday do you know I

had the NS to escapes upon the soul I

could have been killed killed I was in

the water closet of the Bournemouth

Express when it quite unaccountably

exploded thereby extensively damaging

the rest of the train I I can't really

think that I was to blame although at

the time I was

smoking but it didn't damage you no no

no thanks for the thought I confess I am

a trifle

ruffled yes I think I'll lie low at the

club a few days my nephews have been

most annoying of late oh brother no no

no don't don't text yourself sit down

it's you who should sit I here you may

have a nutmeg

poisoning take a sip of your glass of

good cheer dear old chap it may prove

effective do you know it's the most

astonishing thing there is a tribe of

Aborigines in Southwest Tasmania who

distill The Chew bark of the ban tree

shut up you ptic boring oh a pedantic

boring

old I shall leave you brother you've

lost your reason reason

reason but not not the T

te

shes Too Late to

Apologize name of finy Sir yes Sonia

please

sir

where do you want it sir anywhere my

good man

anywhere uh thank you for the tea and

cakes I shall taste them all through my

dissection class but would you

say is your work in the nature of a

vacation no no not quite my grandfather

wished it he believes that if one cannot

join the ruling classes one must do

One's best to deplete

them

[Music]

who is

it Finsbury name of Finsbury mom yes

there's a shipment for your

mom oh cousin moris must have excelled

himself we're always having shipments of

eggs but never anything like this before

well little sisters would not be refused

mom if the staff were available oh yes

oh allow me to help oh won't you miss

your class oh that's of no consequence I

doubt if my class will miss

me would you hold my coat

oh

[Music]

where

[Music]

Dr

[Music]

Pratt Dr

Pratt Dr

Pratt are you Dr

Pratt

what what are you Dr Pratt are you are

you from the police no then I am Dr FR

yes I was referred to you by a slight

acquaintance oh for professional advice

oh yes yes yes uh is it uh is it night

or

day day did you have an appointment to

see me sir I'm afraid not then I will

give you a day appointment immediately

thank you very much so I'll sit in that

chair don't sit on that mgy sir she's

the finest R in the East End I'm

terribly sorry that's all

I tiger now then take off your clothes

and cough doctor it's not me it's

certainly not me sir it's probably one

of my cats doctor

come

in come in doctor I am not here on a

matter of my personal

health would you be so good sir as to uh

say that again I did not come here for

reasons of my personal health what is

the young lady's name it is not that

doctor no no it isn't no I wanted to

make a somewhat unusual request yes yes

I was was wondering do you by any chance

happen to have any

um death

certificates do I happen to have any

death certificates sir what a monstrous

thing sir what a monstrous thing to say

to a member of the medical profession to

realize the enormity of what you have

just said

yes do you have any death certificates

how many do you want just the one would

be

sufficient and if you'll be so good as

to Simply sign your name and leave the

remainder blank well it cost you five

Shillings price is No Object right 10

Shillings then payable in advance stay

there I'll just get my medical

pen M

ble them here here oh yeah would you

like to buy a mugy no thank good doctor

they make Lovely Pets you'd like to have

a muggy in the home I collect eggs

doctor eggs yes oh I enjoy an egg myself

yes they don't make good pets though you

can never get a in at night they're too

quiet yes all I want is a death

certificate doctor don't we all oh yes

yes yes indeed um you may return for it

this evening I will have one of my uh

stuff collected from the place of its

origin meanwhile keep taking the pills

this evening doctor take them this

evening it's as good a time as any

yes oh that's best of course I was not

always as you see me now I'm sure you

weren't doctor no no no no I had a

magnificent practice in the fair

confines of Camden town a Charming area

the sick and groggy traveled from all

over the world to cure my door wonderful

work I specialized you see in rare

Marine diseases of the spleen how very

interesting the Accolade itself was not

beyond my grasp within it I'm sure yes

until that unfortunate episode with the

Lord May's wife goodbye doctor come in

come

in

[Music]

for

[Music]

a

[Music]

we are both old enough to know what

kisses lead to oh yes and if I may be

Bland Bland our children would be idiots

why is there Insanity in your family

what oh no oh no no what I mean is is it

it is a proved medical fact that

marriage between cousins oh but we're

not cousins Uncle Joseph is just my

guardian I am an orphan an orphan yes or

me too I never knew my parents they were

killed in a balloon Ascension oh I only

knew mine vaguely my father was a

missionary he was eaten by his Bible

class and your mother she too they never

eat one without the other oh it's it's

Destiny stop stop

stop have you just made a delivery to

number 11 that's right sir yeah thank

you ah cousin how is your dear

grandfather this morning oh she's well

what oh oh that is to say he's just the

same my grandfather of course well I

must be after my Bible class cousin

cousin I I mean Julia Master Michael sir

come quickly your grandad come

quickly Dr

slaty am I too late no no no no I've

just given a

sedative is it anything serious as you

know I I am a medical student and I

would understand a more detailed

diagnosis I see well in that case uh

what I think he had to the nearest guess

technically speaking that is was a

conniption

fit oh yes yes yes well don't worry

about it h what are you loving for boy

such a good man such a gentle soul to be

taken from us what are you talking about

my dear departed Uncle masterman you're

no more departed than you are probably

less so judging from the last time you

can insulted me how are the boils by the

way it disappeared yeah M Julia excuse

me come

Julia good day

Cousin

[Music]

Julia

peacock what is this I I thought they'd

all

gone I took it to be lady pitman's Goods

return sir oh

dear Perfect Day

ruined

did

peacock

peacock Uncle Joseph oh yes I forgot to

tell you he came and went came and went

yes

terrible oh terrible it was what was the

altercation between them altercation oh

yes terrible things flying

around words Angry Words and objects

objects

peacock

grandfather has murdered Uncle

Joseph and then suffered a cipion fit no

never said

and he did it because he wanted me to

have the ttin mercy on us see for

yourself

P see

[Music]

[Music]

yourself what should we do Master M what

shall we

do there's only one thing to do do

peacock we must inform the

police but your grandfather's good Nam

sir I shall say I did it no I'm an old

man let me say I did it what was your

motive money they'd never believe you

and why not sir after all I haven't been

paid for 7 years and beging your par sir

no peacock it's a noble gesture

but I shall plead guilty to the crime

but think of your career sir you have

your whole life before you yes there is

that of course well we must think of

something else

then who is it I don't know sir shall I

ask I don't

know could it be the police already I

don't know do they work that fast I

don't

know

hello oh it's Miss

Julia he now listen listen

listen take your time getting to the

door

coming I'll slow it down a

bit

thank

you I've brought some broth for Uncle

masterman my uncle Joseph says it has

strong recuperative

qualities

oh hello

oh oh I've brought a little sustenance

for your dear grandfather I thought that

oh what is it

oh

you haven't any

furniture what oh how sad oh I always

knew you were poor but I never imagined

anything like this oh really would you

mind if I looked around but would you

like to look around the hallway oh I've

always wanted an empty room of my own

ours is so cluttered oh we have lots of

empty rooms would you like to see

another one

oh oh how sad all you got left is your

piano I learned the piano Forte as a

child but I can never practice cousin

Morris will not permit an instrument in

the house he says the vibrations might

shatter his eggs yes of

course I I think you'll find the piano

is rather Out Of Tune oh I'm sure

not my repertoire is somewhat limited

I'm afraid I I I think I hear my

grandfather calling

me no I don't think

[Music]

so oh I'm terribly sorry then it must be

your cousin Morris calling you oh yes

that must be it in either case it's one

or the other and I think we ought to see

which one of them wants which one of us

[Applause]

goodbye

oh forgive

me

what to do peacock what to do that's the

question well if I may be allowed to say

Sir anything peacock

anything well I have heard that there

are in certain sectors of this great

City

men unscrupulous men sir who for a

price will perform the most unav

tasks

Dr

Pratt Rouse yourself Dr

Pratt I showy you the the lady was

already dead when I arrived con Dr Pratt

come

in I was here earlier you asked me to

return huh so oh yes yes yes I remember

I've got what you wanted thank you

Doctor Black curant Jelly contains 12

grains of Asic just spread it on your

mother's bread and butter doctor I

wanted a death

certificate oh you've done her in

already have you what's this is that it

what what's that oh yes this is this is

a death certific yes God I've signed a

lot of these in my time could you sign

this one yes yes I I'll sign this one

yeah come

here you get doctor yeah yeah

oh yes before I sign this I must do my

Evolutions according to the sterile

principles laid down by Lord liser

cleanliness in all things even the

humblest of

tasks that's

better now then oh look at that look at

that

scarcely human I'll have to see a vet

about it doctor come in come

on keep taking the pills you'll be all

right are you all right doctor yes I'm

I'm I'm I'm all right just a fur ball

it's

nothing strange I haven't had fair for a

fortnite

no let's see now uh

yes H that's

it there we

are

doctor oh you want to sign in two places

do yes

yes

p p Doctor P yes p Ah Ah a a t t

T

prant is that your name as well good

Lord I oh I've gone and blotted it now

it's a small

world you'd never think that there were

two pratts in one room would

[Music]

you there we are thank you Doctor good

night yes come

in of course you

know I was not always as you see me now

far I mvin he no no you're too young to

remember stay away lad it's not good for

[Music]

you

Julia are you mad a scream like that

might have shattered my eggs oh but I

was dreaming I was an egg moris and that

an eagle was trying to hatch me please

cover

yourself oh what

um what news of next door oh well very

peculiar moris I took uncle masterman

and broth and Michael well well he

seemed to how shall I say

it I think he threw me

out threw you out yes what do you think

it means moris well it means that um

what it means is that

uh I don't know what it

means

Morris am I pretty let me

think oh

never

mind he's up to

something it's

happened I know it's happened and

Michael's trying to cheat us trying to

cheat two little orphans out of the

tontine that must be

it

p p

dark where is the old

fool house is full of

fools I'm coming blost

[Music]

you

I'm coming I'm coming wait a minute wait

a

[Music]

[Music]

minute I'll turn the cart around and

stand

[Music]

guard

funny funny daddy what's all this malar

about a piano then sirly must be the one

can't be two in the same house can it

come on let's get him wrapped up now

here you take his legs yeah I'll take

his

showers

[Music]

right well thanks for the visit sir good

[Music]

night

you

there where are you going with that

Chelsea Undertaker sir we have a dead

person what is just deceased I

see well uh be about your sacred

business thank you sir the compliments

of the night to you

sir

[Music]

and so Gentlemen The Great tontine has

been won after 63 years by your uncle um

Joseph um Finsbury yes we've telegraphed

him in Bournemouth he will um arrive

shortly most magnificent some um could

we ask just how magnificent

oh well magnificent total of

£1,000 2 Shillings and

12 we could have course continue to

administer the fund no no no no no uh my

uncle gave quite explicit instructions

he wants the entire amount handed over

to him in cash mhm

immediately

most

unusual oh well however well in that

case

um would it be convenient for you to

return say at uh 3:00 ah we were

thinking more immediately than that um

unless of course our new legal friend

could bring it to the house yes that

would suit you see this is sure to prove

a trying day for our dear Uncle the

shock of losing a brother you see plus

the shock of winning the tontine might

Pro too much for his weak terribly weak

heart that's no good give it to me leave

it leave it leave it give it to me now

this time this time p

p you know what that

is that is

stuck that is what that

is is this the Finsbury

residence what kindly address me as

major are you a member of of this

household the

butler major does your employer answer

to the name of masterman Finsbury that

was the case major then he has delivered

up and safely returned this poor

misguided man attempted to take his own

Immortal Life last night we fished him

out of the river

Mercy yes did somebody call later Mercy

later first things first pass him

through come on Come Along come

along now you two give a hands come

along a

hands get that piano out of the way come

on get moving get

moving where is he usually kept f for

with the

army

take him

[Music]

upstairs you ought to count yourself

lucky we were on our toes last night the

Lord moves a mysterious ways when he is

raising money for our cause you have to

move very

[Music]

mysteriously to raise any bootle here

boodle what do you

mean I am not in charge of the

finances you have to wait to master

Michael

returns we can

[Music]

wait here here's that

[Applause]

boy do you want to earn a penny yeah

here go to St Mary's Hospital ask for Mr

Michael fins fin

[Applause]

spre good morning may I be of service

you're out of need oh

oh yes I've come to pay my respects and

who may I ask have you suffered the sad

loss of my uncle masterman

Finsbury

Finsbury Finsbury as in

park well the only Soul reposing here

belongs and answers to the name Wilfred

ebener hackit

oh well uncle was called many names but

that was never one of them when did your

uncle die late last night

night in that case allow me to present

you with my

card

uh oh I appear to have run out business

is so brisk these days but it is quite

obvious my dear young lady that you are

in need of my entire organization when

you leave me at The Undertakers go back

to the house unpack uncle and place him

in the hallway so that it appears that

he fell down the stairs why do I always

have the packing and unpacking to do

you're quite right I can't trust you

with the simplest task I better handle

it we haven't got much

time here we are get

out tell The Undertakers a simple coffin

nothing

[Music]

expensive

[Music]

I have you Excuse Me Miss

fins

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

brothers and sisters our prayers with a

not hymn

231 Onward

[Music]

Christian

most

unusual most

unusual I think we'd better pay a call

on

on

yes I think we'll pay a call

on Michael finby sir I know I

know Michael fins me

[Music]

naturally bring that down will right

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

is

[Music]

the what means this our dear Uncle my

cousin should never have broken the Glad

news at the top of the stairs why what

happened well the poor old

chat broke his

noodle I see you mean it it proved fatal

oh totally excuse

me ly

[Music]

[Music]

Maris

Morris

[Music]

Mar excuse

me

Morris

moris patient is here with the bo where

is Uncle Joseph I see she's a bit of all

right where's Uncle Joseph indeed you CR

I sent him to you in a barrel or what's

this you realize we're ruined

I think I know what's

happened there's been a mixup

[Music]

you I'll help him out you all right you

all right

yes and that sir is that the doctor left

this death

certificate one

moment pray what is going

[Music]

on ah

um thank you what what is this what's

what well today is the 12th this is dat

to the 13th well here today and gone

tomorrow surely a mere formality sir you

have our words as English gentleman that

our uncle is no longer with

us I wonder I wonder if you could give

us a few more moments alone with him

before you remove his mortal remains of

course sir please indulge yourself you

well in that case better to be as well

if I returned another day for the

transfer of the oh no no no no what must

be done must be done

we must curb and natural grief

[Music]

exactly

brothers and sisters our prayers have

been answered him

224 all things bright

and you were too Keen to get me buried

sir the point is Sir the point is I did

not kill my brother Joseph I tried to

but I failed if you'll stop your

splattering and allow me to speak her

the point is the tontin is ours but it

certainly isn't yours and it must be

returned it must be returned at once you

can't you can't ask that of two innocent

little orphans you couldn't take it back

now you gave it to his it hours I put it

to you gentlemen that Master man finby

is alive and your uncle dead I have his

death Sant it's a mistake it says he

died tomorrow relinquish that CH never

and please do not touch

me you touched

me you may remove the body now

certainly stop them stop them they have

the

money get

this

stop come

[Music]

on they got the

J

[Music]

go stop them they got the t Team stop

them could you tell me where I could

find Michael Finsbury it's Morris

Finsbury you want he's just made off

with £100,000 what where that way in the

HSE this man was a

witness sees

him it's obvious we are not needed here

we BR the gospel but they would not

listen damn them

all

[Music]

[Music]

come on

hey give it there the

law all of those hes

stop wait for

[Music]

me

[Music]

all

[Music]

help

help

[Music]

[Music]

la

[Music]

[Music]

w

it is as you know a statistical fact

that in London one person dies every 25

seconds which means it is extremely

probable that one of us may not even

live to arrive at the

SE moris I think there's been another

mixup we got a body instead of the

poodle

what we must go to the

[Music]

[Music]

cemetery

quick get the flag deliver notice I will

recall Mrs hackit that your late husband

showed me another kindness on February

the 3rd no February the 4th another

kindness by obtaining and it was kind of

him to pass on wasn't it wasn't it gave

you a better chance of the

dine hypocrite you hypocrite don't touch

me I

[Music]

you spoil this beautiful

[Music]

occasion what have you done with Mr

hacket look at the size of that coffin

that's only part of him he weighed 15

Stone and look at that ridiculous flag

he hated

[Music]

England excuse me you have our body uh

our yaria he would have been 14 tomorrow

poor little

begger

back get

[Music]

back EXC excuse

me

stop stop

see please please let us remember where

we

[Music]

[Applause]

are

[Music]

that's

[Music]

him please may we

begin dearly beloved we are gathered

together in the sight of of God and in

the face of this congregation to join

this man and this

woman no that's not

it I must have quiet I demand the

silence due this solemn

occasion Uncle

Joseph just where you belong J

please Pi of you

sir all of you ladies gentlemen I beg of

you conduct your business elsewhere what

do you mean elsewhere not you of course

Mrs

heck

Jose let us

begin man that is born of a woman have

but a short time to live and is full of

misery

he cometh up and is cut down like a FL

he fleeth as it were a shadow and never

continue Earth in one state in the midst

of life we are in death of whom may we

seek for

sucker stop this funeral I demand the

money to be returned the tontine has yet

to be won fate names me the winner the

entire Mount goes to my ward

Julia

Julia my darling I've always loved you

be mine tonight better still be mine let

us begin man that is born of a woman ha

but a short time to live and is full of

Misery all right come on come on what's

going on come on what is it come on

please I beg of you there's a dead man

here all right now one

move

Finsbury

yes Morris

Finsbury yes Morris Finsbury I arrest

you for stealing £100,000 but the money

has been returned sir and who are you

sir some sort of aom certainly not I am

his solicitor you brought your solicitor

with you have you yes I've met your type

before no no no no I mean I'm the

administrator of the tontine tontine

named after Lorenzo tonti a Neapolitan

Banker

and who are you sir I bab he's nobody

he's my young brother and who are you

sir none of your business sir I shall

have you arrested for indecent exposure

oh my grandfather was recently buried

sir and who are you sir he is Michael

Finsbury and who are you madam she is

Julia

Finsbury shortly to

become Julia Finsbury young man did you

know there was a body in the

piano I did

it who is he he is the butler sir the

butler did it no

sir I put the body there is this true

yes sir in that case you would entitled

to a reward of 1,000 you're responsible

for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler

to his just end H

,000 oh but I I I I don't I don't

deserve it the body just arrived in a

barrel I sent it and who are you sir a

he is of diminished responsibility

officer it was all my doing if there's

any justice in this naughty world the

reward is mine and who are you you

remember me Morris Finsbury I was fely

accused of stealing

£100,000 whereas in fact it was me and

me alone who was responsible for

bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to

his

Justice

[Music]

out