Original subtitles

Yes, I'm Leo, 28 years later.

And I still have my problem, only it's bigger than ever.

As I grew up, I kept getting a hard-on more and more frequently.

By now, I just have a raging hard-on all the time.

I have to wear this heavy coat to hide it, even in the summer.

It was a terrible nuisance in school.

I couldn't play in sports like the other boys.

My boner kept getting in the way.

And later on, they kicked me out of the army

because I couldn't crawl flat along the ground.

I know now that it's a condition called priapism, a permanent erection,

and it's a real problem.

I'm popular at parties, but no girl would marry me.

Today, I'm going to see a specialist.

I hope he'll be able to make my cock soft, because if he can't, it'll just have to

stick up in the air for the rest of my life.

Well, here goes.

I wish I could get a soft-on.

Priapism is incurable, my son, unless you have an operation on it.

I don't want to hear about operations, no.

I mean, suppose the surgeon slips and cuts it right off.

Then my jolly friend is gone forever.

No knives, not for me.

Oh, it's not a bit dangerous.

But I know how you feel, my friend.

Now, if you want to know what I think, um...

Here it comes.

They always say it.

He wishes he had it.

Why don't you leave well enough alone?

Many men come to me with a much worse complaint, you see.

Their little penises won't stay up.

And you, you're complaining because you have what everyone wants.

It's enviable, wonderful.

I, myself, would like such an erection.

And you want to get rid of it?

I'm not lucky.

For me, it's my normal state.

I'd feel lucky if I could get rid of it.

Ah, but, but no scalpels.

Hmm, let's see.

There's one possibility left.

We must make you ejaculate many times.

Ah, that won't work.

I come three times a day and it still stays hard.

Well, when you're under medical supervision, I think you'll find an

ejaculation with me... will be a different sensation.

Hmm?

Are you a queer?

No, my friend.

No, I'm not.

We begin with this.

Just take one of these pills.

Oh, no.

Give them back to me.

Let me see.

They must be here someplace.

Ah, these are probably the ones.

Oh, they must be.

Swallow one of them.

This is a very strong medicine.

But only one.

Only one.

Remember.

This pill will give you glorious sexual dreams.

Dreams that come from your innermost subconscious mind.

You're in for a very exciting experience.

I'll connect you to the ejaculation machine.

The dreams will make you shoot off.

I mean, ejaculate.

And at that very moment, I'll give you an injection that will take away your hard.

I mean, your erection.

All right, gentlemen.

Come and lie down next to the ejaculation machine.

There?

Yes, on the table.

There.

Just make yourself comfortable, huh?

There we are.

Doctor, is this covered by the health insurance plan?

Uh, yes, young man.

Yes, it covers all injections.

I'm gonna shoot.

At the moment you have an ejaculation, I must give you a nice injection.

An injection you'll like because it will take away your erection.

How do you feel?

Strange.

I'm dreaming already.

That's fine.

Watch your dreams carefully.

You won't get a replay.

I'm beginning to see something.

It's my fiancée, my darling Donna.

And she's dressed as a bride.

Now, here's a bridegroom.

Oh, my God.

It's the devil.

I must have taken too many of those pills.

The wedding is over.

What does it mean?

The ceremony is over, but the marriage has not been consummated.

Maybe that's where you come in.

No, that's where the devil comes in.

But perhaps you are the devil.

Just relax, my boy.

Make yourself comfortable.

Go to the next part of your dream.

Doctor.

I'm right here beside you, my boy.

The devil is reaching for her pussy.

I'm sure Donna doesn't like it.

Now he's stroking her pussy, and I think Donna's beginning to like it.

Oh, it's nice waking up.

The devil... he didn't shoot.

Neither did you.

Well...

There's only one last thing we can try.

Marsha!

Why is she masturbating during office hours?

She's training the muscles in her pussy.

May I introduce you?

Mr. Leo Brandon, may I present my assistant, Miss Marsha Gravedor.

Sorry, I can't shake hands just now.

I need them both down here.

I understand.

How do you feel?

Fine, thanks.

I'm coming now.

Why don't you fuck me?

Well, there you go, my lucky man.

And when you ejaculate, scream, holler good and loud and I'll give you the injection.

I hope it works.

It's yummy, isn't it?

That's good.

Just a minute. Now twirl...

like a propeller.

Careful now.

This is all covered by the health insurance plan.

Call the doctor soon.

Doctor!

I'm coming.

So am I.

Wait for the injection.

I didn't feel any injections.

You shoot a lot better than the doctor does.

He gets his exercise too.

The doctor has passed out?

My God.

My God.

Is he dead?

No.

He's still breathing.

He gave the injection to himself.

Oh.

This serum reduces your sexual powers.

And that with a double dose.

He won't be any use to me for a long time.

Huh?

His whole week will be spoiled.

I'm being very generous with you.

You're not even an actor.

And I'm offering you the highest rate.

Well, I'll admit I could use the money, but what a way to earn it.

For you, it's an easy job.

You'll be on every TV set in the country.

Yeah, but everyone would recognize me in the street.

Sure, you'll be famous.

Every man would like this kind of publicity for his cock.

And $4,000, besides.

Okay, I'll give you $5,000.

That's my final offer.

Take it or leave it.

Ah, forget it.

It's a discouraging thing to have a hard on all the time.

And it's no fun for a woman.

A woman likes to reach between your legs and find a little soft, flabby thing.

Then, as she touches it, it gets bigger and longer and harder.

And she knows it's because of her it's happening.

It gives her a sense of accomplishment.

But if it's pointing at the ceiling before she's

even touched you, there's no challenge for her.

It's just boring.

Wow.

Incredible.

You must have learned how to do that from a sword swallower.

I'm coming.

Oh, wait for me.

I can't.

It's too late.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You dig it.

You dig it, baby.

Come on.

Now.

It's as hard as ever.

That's it.

Two hours of this and she'll be like a limp rag.

I'll go back and get some sleep at the house.

In the morning, she'll be outside my house waiting.

Ah, but it won't be long until she's had her fill of it, too.

Ah, it's always that way.

Hey, why did you turn the music off?

It wasn't bad.

You really want me to get it on with your grandfather?

Oh, my goodness, no.

Just to watch while he and I do it.

Understand?

Yes.

Uh, no.

It's because he can't get an erection unless someone else is watching, see?

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

Wait.

It'll please the old man.

And all you have to do is watch.

It probably won't be much of a floor show, but okay.

Where is your grandfather?

I'll get him in a minute.

I have to give him an injection first to give him a hard-on.

More injections?

Do they really work?

This is my grandfather.

Yeah.

It's that bump in his pants.

It's just a hard-on.

What?

With no injection.

I always have a hard-on.

I can't get rid of it.

You're lucky, young man.

I wish I had that problem.

Come on, Lucy.

Let's get started.

I don't know which is better.

The injection or Lucy?

Perhaps I ought to leave?

You just stay right where you are, my friend.

I enjoy having you here.

I like to imagine that my cock is always hard like yours.

However, it's not like it used to be.

I had the stiffest freak in our village.

You know?

The sheriff always said I ought to have a gun license for it.

Would you rather talk than get a blowjob?

I could leave you alone to masturbate.

No, no, my child.

Here it comes.

The injection is working.

Now you are going to see a real cock, young man.

Watch closely.

My good old cock of thirty years ago.

It's good to see it again.

Oh, that's fine, Lucy.

Almost as good as your mother used to do.

But come along.

I'm ready for a little old-fashioned fucking.

Oh, it must be going to rain.

I can feel it in my joints.

Let's take this thing off.

Let's just put this over here.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Look at that, my boy.

Don't you wish you had all that stiff brick like that?

Oh.

My...

Oh.

Oh, you got better sit down.

My head.

Uh-huh.

Hang on.

Oh.

That's the way.

Stretch a little bit more.

I'm getting close.

Watch this.

I'm going to shoot.

There she goes.

Yeah!

Shiver my shivers.

Look out below.

All right.

Go for it.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter with your grandmother?

He passed out out of sheer ecstasy.

But why are you always standing up?

What?

I'm sitting down.

I mean... that.

Believe me, a constant hard-on can ruin your life.

It's always getting caught in things.

Or sometimes it comes in handy when you're painting.

But most of the time, it's just a big nuisance.

When you first meet a woman, she thinks she's found the treasure.

But it isn't long before she can't stand the sight of it.

You're a disgrace to me.

You didn't get that hard-on because of me.

I don't mean a thing.

You have that boner no matter what I do.

And when I take off my clothes, nothing changes.

You're not a man.

You're just a big, hard prick, you prick.

I'll show you.

It doesn't matter how I look.

See that?

Even when I look like this, it's still standing there.

And when I show you this, my pussy, nothing.

Or my ass.

It just stands and stands as if you've been looking at garbage instead of me.

Well, I've had it.

I'm getting out of here.

It hurts her pride.

See?

And finally, the producer agreed.

$7,500.

$7,500 for one TV commercial.

No, I won't do it.

All right, then, my friend.

$10,000.

That's my absolutely final offer.

My cock is enough trouble to me without showing it on every TV set in this country.

You're a hard man, Leo.

$10.000 to let the world know about my affliction.

Maybe I should take a job as a freak in a circus.

But what a life.

Before I give up and accept that $10,000, I'm gonna go on trying to get rid of this

lollipop in my pants, this soldier that's always at attention.

I still haven't tried psychiatry.

I've made an appointment with a famous psychoanalyst.

He's supposed to be very sympathetic.

He understands every problem, no matter how strange.

Oh, it's a hard life.

Well, come in, screwball.

The boss is right there.

Come in, General.

I'm greatly honored that you have paid me a visit.

Won't you sit down on the throne, sire?

And how's your lovely wife?

And your army?

In good health?

Huh?

Ah, I know.

Yes, but, uh...

Do you need the straitjacket, boss?

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

Get up, get up.

Go on.

Woodworms, huh?

Yes, well, uh...

I can't hear a thing.

Exactly.

It's alarming, is it not?

Who do you want to see next?

Well, who've you got?

The Queen.

Show in the Queen.

Nothing but royalty today.

Oh.

Okay, show her in.

Oh, what's her profession?

She does something with horses.

Ah.

Horses.

The Queen.

Oh, cut the horseplay, Igor.

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

My God, it's really her.

She came in person.

Something wrong, boss?

Want me to kick her downstairs?

Get out, you crazy person.

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

It's so hard to find decent servants these days, isn't it?

Get out.

Sorry, Your Majesty.

A simple misunderstanding.

Get out, you fathead.

Please, take a seat, Gracie.

I mean, Your Grace.

I didn't know I'd become so famous.

The crowned heads of Europe are coming to consult me.

Take your place, please.

Merci, Madame.

Grazie.

Danke schön.

I plead for your help, Doctor.

My...my...my...my help... Ah, my help!

Ah, your daughter wants a divorce, is that it?

Cut the comedy, Doctor.

I have no daughter.

No daughter.

You have no daughter.

Not having any daughter is fun.

What?

No daughter.

She went away.

Not at all.

I know you're trying, but Doctor, I am not England's Queen.

Yes, I'm very trying.

You're not the Queen.

And I'm not Philip.

I have it straight now, Madam.

You're not the Queen and I'm not Philip.

So I'm the Queen and you're Philip.

No.

You can call me Elizabeth, Doctor.

Madam, I'm pleased.

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth?

So, where did you go?

I'll be right up, Your Majesty.

Why does everyone think that I'm a Queen?

Well, if you're not Beth, then who the hell are you?

I don't know.

I thought you'd be kind and help me find out.

Do you need the straight jacket now, boss?

Yes.

But for me.

I've had enough.

I can't take any more.

I'm going to see a psychoanalyst.

You've lost your marbles, dear.

Hello?

Could you let me in?

Hi.

I have an appointment with the doctor.

The doctor's office is over there.

Thank you.

What's that lump in your pants?

That's what I came to see you about.

That's enough.

I understand perfectly.

I'm an expert on such matters.

Sit down.

Yeah.

Your subconscious mind is dominated by beauty.

I'm absolutely sure that at some time or other you wanted to fuck your mother.

What?

Yeah.

But don't get excited.

That's what we experts call the Oedipus complex and it's perfectly normal.

We all have it, especially if you have a sexy mother.

But doctor, such a thing has never crossed my mind.

One minute.

I'm always right.

When you were happily sucking on your mother's breasts, you were having your

first sexual experience.

But a nurse fed me.

Even better.

That proves what I was just telling you.

The breasts of nurses are always bigger than mothers.

Hmm.

Do you masturbate with your right hand?

No, with my left.

Left is fashionable these days.

Keeping in style is important.

But left demands more subtlety than the right hand.

Young man, what you need is quantity.

Quantity.

Hundreds of girls.

Lots of girls.

Girls, girls, girls.

That's what you need to make that horny lump go down.

You mean I...

should...

Yeah, that's exactly what I mean.

And so, in two weeks, we'll meet again.

In the meantime, wear your cock down to normal size.

Give me your hand.

Oh, sorry.

Goodbye.

Igor, next patient, please.

Good evening.

Don't be shy.

Good evening.

Listen, this is Leo Brandon.

His nickname's Lollipop.

Hello, Leo.

Hello, Leo.

Leo has a permanent cock stand.

How interesting.

Hello, Leo.

How tall are you?

Nine inches.

That's very tall.

Come on, let's take a closer measurement.

Maybe.

Feeling good?

Sure.

One, two, three, go!

You want some?

Come here.

Here's your drink, sir.

Won't you drink something?

Oh, I never touch alcohol.

This is better than alcohol.

Let me help you here, uh.

Doesn't that feel better?

There, you can both have a little rest.

Lift him up.

All right.

Well, Doctor, I've come to talk about my brother.

Is he like you?

No, no, he's crazy.

What makes you think so?

He has forgotten that the stove must be shut off when the milk is hot enough.

Ah, and what business is it of mine if your milk got burned?

And the house, dear Doctor, the house?

What happened to the house?

The house burned right down to the ground.

In that case, Mr. Munchkin, you should get in touch with the insurance company.

I'm just a psychoanalyst.

Ah, sure, dear Doctor, but your wife.

What about my wife?

She's lying in my bed.

My wife in your bed?

You silly fool, what have you done?

Ah, but I didn't touch her, Doctor.

My brother, he laid your wife in my bed, you see.

What was your brother doing to my wife in your bed, pray tell?

Don't worry, dear Doctor.

She was unconscious.

Why unconscious?

Because she was in the cellar when the fire

started and she fainted because of the smoke.

I've gone crazy and this man is normal.

Cigarette?

Ah, but what on earth was my wife doing in your cellar?

She was not in our cellar, dear Doctor.

She was in the cellar of the house next door.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, yes.

Yes.

But I thought it was your house.

The house that burnt.

Yeah, sure, dear Doctor, but as I told you before, my brother

is crazy and he was very slow calling the fire department.

By the time they got there, the fire had spread

to the house next door and so it burned, too.

Would you like a light for your cigarettes?

I understand, I understand.

But what in heaven's name was my wife doing in the cellar of the house next door?

But didn't you know that we live right next door to you, huh?

Ah!

Don't worry, that's just my boss.

That'll be right back.

No, uh-uh.

$15,000.

Uh-uh, not interested.

I don't want a second.

You're next.

The boss is on the phone.

But go right on.

Well, that's not my fault, my dear.

I'm just delighted that you weren't hurt.

Well, how was I to know that they lived right next door?

I never talked to the neighbors.

And besides, yes, oh, just a minute.

Sit down.

I have a patient now, OK?

You understand?

See you later.

Now, well, your honor, when you were here last,

you had just ordered the execution of Charles I.

Let me guess now.

You're Oliver Crumbwell, right?

No, that must be somebody else.

I've got a permanent erection, you know.

Oh, pardon me.

You're the priapism one.

Yeah, that's me.

I took your advice and I went to a big sex party and I sucked and fucked everybody.

It was discouraging.

As you can see, doctor, it didn't help a bit.

I've still got a hard on.

Ah, but relax.

All you need now for happiness is a little luck.

Luck?

I won't be happy again until my cock is hanging down.

I'll think of something.

Antinomy, sexual spectrum, split by the skeptical retrospective.

But you won't be happy till your cock is absolutely soft.

What about your cousin?

Hasn't he got a machine?

Put it all away, and that's it.

Oh, that's good.

That's it.

Get them beside your pants.

That's it.

Oh, I like squeezing your tits.

Oh, I love squeezing them.

Get them off.

Get the pants off.

Get them off.

Let me see your cunt.

I want to stick my cock inside there.

Look at it jump, look at it jump.

Faster, faster.

Oh, I like that when you're at the top.

Oh, you're right.

Nice.

Oh, you've got a nice cunt.

Oh, watch it.

Okay, that's better.

Just a minute.

A little higher.

There, that's it.

Right up inside of you.

Oh, damn it.

There's someone at the door.

Shit, and we're still open.

Well, that would have to happen just when I was getting ready to cum.

Well, Leo, come in.

How are you?

Terrible.

I've still got this damned hard on, and I can't get rid of it.

Me too at the moment, but it doesn't matter.

Come in.

Sure.

You can't imagine how I suffer with this thing.

It's like a kind of sickness.

That's a sickness I wouldn't might happen.

Pardon me.

Hello.

Do you think that could help?

No, but it would be fun trying.

Now, cousin, tell me what it is you've got planned.

It's simple.

There are many things a woman can't do, so we rig up a machine that can do them.

A real fucking machine?

Sure.

You could call it that.

But come on.

Take this off.

There's something I want to try first.

Come on.

We'll start over here.

This is my machine shop.

Let's start with a little Emery wheel.

You're too short.

I'll fix that.

Right here.

Stand up on that.

All right.

Are you sure this won't hurt?

No, no.

Just hand me your cock, please.

Trust me.

Whoa!

Yeah!

I'm sure this will do it.

Your cock's long enough, isn't it?

Yeah!

I'll show you how it works.

This will take away your lollipop for sure.

Uh-uh.

No.

No.

No.

I can guarantee it won't take long.

No!

No!

No.

I'd rather keep it.

Closer.

Push it through a little more.

Fine.

That'll work fine.

That should hold it.

Here, grab hold.

Hang on tight.

And away we go.

Everything else has failed.

It's still hard as a rock.

Our last chance is a drill.

Hold still now.

Still hard, eh?

It's too strong for me.

I have to go away for an hour.

I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll wait here.

My sickness still has its uses.

I want to see the power of a hard cock.

How are you feeling?

My condition could be better.

Any way I can help you?

If you're a philanthropist, can you blow?

Little boy Blue, I'll blow your horn.

Oh.

Zip.

My horn is waiting for you.

Oh, my goodness.

What an enormous horn you have.

The better for blowing, my dear.

I've never seen such a long one.

And hard, too.

How about a little less talk and a little more action?

That's good.

Oh, it's fun.

I could do this all day.

Go ahead.

An all-day sucker.

So, you like my lollipop.

Well, don't stay like that forever.

It never changes.

You're an artist, my dear.

Suck my balls for a while. They like it, too.

Yes, this is a lot better than his other fucking machines.

Just make it a little sloppier, please.

That's it, that's it.

Good, good, good.

Thank you.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

Hello.

No, the manager, the manager is gone.

His assistant?

No, no, please phone back.

That was your husband.

Probably calling from his girlfriend's place.

He didn't say.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Over here.

I'm over here.