All language subtitles for The.Boys.S05E05.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta[EZTVx.to]

I'll fucking kill you.

I got you something.

Terror! Does he still hump everything?

He does his best.

My grandma was
diagnosed with leukemia.

I discovered a cure.

They laughed at me.

Fuck them all.

Heavens to Betsy!

What's that smell? It's soldier
boy. I can smell him all over you.

- Where's noir?
- He just disappears every afternoon.

Won't say where he's
going. Won't say shit.

- I trusted you.
- Are you still butt hurt

- about me bringing in Stan Edgar?
- I thought we were friends.

I needed a win from
homelander, Edgar was it.

If we get the v1 first, we
save Annie, we save kimiko.

If homelander gets it, he's immortal.

A punch like a bleeding sledgehammer

and a taste for fucking smack.

Bombsight.

Enriched uranium.

Good luck getting out of a supe-proof cell

while you're bleeding out of your ass.

The v1 wasn't here.

Just fucking do it already.

I was visited by an angel.

Today, we commit ourselves
to a divine rebranding.

I am the Messiah.

The Democratic church of america!

Homelander! Homelander!

They're up before dawn.

They got a thousand
heads of cattle to herd.

It's hard work and strong coffee.

Old leather saddles

and the worn stock
of a trusty Remington.

And when the sun finally
rises over the range,

the cowboys know
america is god's country

and Americans, god's chosen people.

So shouldn't we have our
own church for Americans

with American grit and American values?

Founded by the greatest
American of us all?

A true American prophet?

Come home to the
Democratic church of america.

Come home to homelander.

Already, the campaign's
aided awareness

outpaces the norm by plus-22 points,

led by white men and women,
ages 36 to 54 and 55 to 72.

We are also seeing massive
growth on the ground level.

Yeah? 'Cause I'm seeing
massive growth myself.

Church attendance is up,

and our online donation ctr is at 44%.

That's a new record. Amen.

Amen.

Next up is a 500 million ad blitz

with ooh, e-blasts, print and digital.

Ain't nobody won't know about
the Democratic church of america

and its chosen prophet.

Prophets are servants.

Of course.

Sir, great point.

We're just trying to ease people into it.

No, no, no. We need to prepare
america for my ascension.

We must be honest. We must be direct.

I like "savior."

Or-or... lord.

Yes, I couldn't agree more, sir.

Religion is not about being meek.

We should dominate the
seven mountains of society,

bring the kingdom of
heaven to earth. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen. I love all that.

So fucking dope.

Easter is just around the corner.

How perfect would it be
for your second coming

to come on the day
of Jesus' resurrection?

Second coming?

Let's be clear, I am not the son of god.

Yeah, well, of course.

Many people believe that Jesus
is both god incarnate and the son.

Well, that's just confusing.

I don't want my church
getting involved in all... that.

Exactly.

Besides, if we pull up our
timeline, you won't have...

This.

We're gonna drag our
feet because of a book?

Not a book.

The book.

The homelander Bible.

Heavy.

What the fuck?

It's got the old testament,
the new testament,

and the brand new American testament,

written by a.I. Trained on
the works of pat robertson.

See, we need to pass the
torch, sir, from Jesus to you.

Sir, we don't get more than
one chance at a first impression.

Are we really gonna rush
something this important?

- We ain't arby's, after all.
- No.

We're the cheesecake factory.

Okay.

We'll do it your way.

Thank you.

You do realize this kind of
sudden religious upheaval

is likely to generate
widespread civil unrest?

Local law should be able
to handle the suburbs,

but we could use extra
hands in major metros.

Let's recall all supes stationed overseas.

American heroes should
be protecting america,

- not who-gives-a-fuck is tan.
- Great idea.

- Something wrong?
- Everything's peachy.

Well, I can see why they call
this the city that never sleeps.

How could you with all that racket?

- You get used to it.
- You seem to have.

City life seems to suit you.

I guess.

I was surprised you called, reverend.

Well, I was surprised you answered.

It's been a while, and,
I said things I regret.

We both did.

You remember when you used
to stop by the church after school?

Use your powers to light our candles?

I remember staying for supper.

Man, those fish fry Fridays.

I never liked eating alone.

Or were you making sure I got
at least one hot square a day?

Reverend, is something the matter?

I'm embarrassed to bug
you with all of this, but,

the last couple of
weeks have been rough.

We've been bleeding congregants
to the Democratic church of america,

and what folks are sticking
around, they're scared.

- Why?
- 'Cause last Sunday, somebody,

melted our stained
glass window of Mary.

Melted it?

It was our local supe, praying mantis.

He sprayed acid out of his butt.

- I mean, his... his glands, his whatever.
- Yeah.

- I know him.
- It was a message.

I called the sheriff. I called the
mayor. I called half of Florida.

You're all I got left.

Reverend, I don't know what I could do.

Well, you got to be able to do something.

You're homelander's right hand.

Homelander's not too
keen on being challenged.

Why not just pay the
franchise fee and join?

Honey, we can barely
afford to pay our water bill.

Besides, the Democratic
church of america?

God does not favor
one nation over another.

- Doesn't he, though?
- No.

Name one way god's
ever blessed Canada.

Just 'cause homelander tells you
that the sky is red does not make it so.

You still have that,
that Jesus action figure?

I'm surprised you remember that.

How could I forget it? You carried
it with you everywhere you went.

You almost wore the face off the thing.

Do you still carry him?

It's complicated.

No, it's... I don't think it is.

Homelander is a...
he's a great American.

He can stop bullets, he can
fly, and do amazing things.

Those aren't miracles.

And he is not god.

If you're the same misty Tucker
gray that I taught the Bible to over fish,

I think you know it, too.

We ain't doing that again.

That's what you said the last six times.

No, I really mean it this time.

You seem a little out of it. Did you nut?

'Cause usually you nut.

Were you baptized?

Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut hill.

Governor sproul did the honors.

My family kept up
appearances, of course.

Then we never set foot in church again.

I had lunch today with the
reverend who baptized me.

He's been getting heat to
switch over to our church.

You think homelander might
be open to going easy on him?

Just... give him a little more time?

I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody,
but that man practically raised me.

So you didn't nut?

You know, this whole
homelander as god shit, it's...

It's fucking ridiculous.

Really? You think so?

If he's the second coming, then
what does that make me? Joseph?

I mean, talk about the
biggest cuck in history.

Man trades his best cow
to bag some hot-ass virgin,

and then god comes and squirts
his baby gravy up her meat wallet.

Fuck that.

I guess I've been
struggling with where to place

homelander in my heart in
relation to Jesus and the lord.

Okay.

Of course I worship homelander.

I mean, he's always been a god to me.

Look, I'll tell you this.

If there is a god...

sure as hell didn't come out of my balls.

- I got to go.
- Where you off to?

I fucking hate L.A.

Homelander?

Homelander?

Hello?

Does homelander know you're here?

Yeah, of course.

Some of our church's followers
generously donated their milk

for our savior's sustenance.

I mean, he got to get this liquid
gold from somewhere, am I right?

You need something?

Where's homelander?

He didn't tell you?

Yeah, he had to fly off to L.A.

Strange he didn't mention anything.

Well, I've been real
busy working for his glory,

so not much time for chitchat.

Of course.

Look at us, a regular Peter
and John, just bearing witness

and spreading the gospel.

A real blessing.

- Amen. A real...
- Amen.

- Blessing.
- By the way,

after our meeting, I checked in on
the timeline of that homelander Bible,

and, the printers were happy
to rush it to make easter.

Well, ain't you full of get-up-and-go.

Thing is, they said it wasn't a problem.

So, I wondered why you
were so bent on holding it up.

I wasn't.

See, I just wanted to make
sure everything was just right.

Listen, if you are ever feeling any doubts,

come to me.

I can be a warm
shoulder and a friendly ear.

Well, bless your heart.

I'll do that.

What'd you want to talk
to homelander about?

Maybe I can help.

That is so kind of you.

But it wasn't important.

What's up?

Got a tip from our southeast stringer.

Praying mantis raided half a
dozen churches in Daytona.

Was one of 'em holy baptist?

The man upstairs wants us...
you... to run with it top of show.

He thinks with it being your home church
and all, it'll make a strong statement.

So I'll have Chris load the new graphics?

I got to finish getting ready.

Welcome to truth bomb.

Our top story tonight's a personal one.

It's the story of my hometown church,

holy baptist of Daytona.

It was the church I grew up in.

Sang my hymns from the
pews there every Sunday.

But that church...

That church...

That church...

has become a hotbed
of star lighter infestation.

And my old pastor,

reverend Greg dupree, has been infected

by starlight's seditious propaganda.

Now...

I never told a soul this,

but when I was a little girl, the reverend
regularly had me over for supper.

Alone.

No.

Nothing ever happened to me, but...

I heard stories about
his "fish fry Fridays."

And if that ain't code for child grooming,

I don't know what is.

How much longer

are we gonna let these
institutional pedo churches

diddle our babies?

Americans deserve better.

They deserve... homelander.

They deserve the
Democratic church of america.

Something wrong?

Everything's peachy.

- Would you like some knee pads?
- I'm sorry?

You're looking at me like
you want to suck my hog.

So I'm asking if you
would like some knee pads.

Take it easy on the little guy.

He brought me Stan Edgar.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Barry gibb. B.G. There's
no Bee Gees without me.

B.g. Means the "brothers gibb."

What, you think that
falsetto makes you boss?

I think Saturday night fever going
platinum 16 times makes me boss.

We made that album together.

You're nothing without me and Maurice.

Don't you dare bring Maurice into this!

I don't know. It feels inauthentic
for Barry to move like this.

Yeah?

In what way?

Egomaniacs like Barry
are-are really just insecure.

I think he's threatened by Robin's talent.

So, maybe he, expresses that
by doing a barrel roll instead?

Never mind. Sorry, I broke
character. I didn't mean to...

yeah.

You need to apologize all right.

For being a fucking genius.

Are you fucking kidding
me? A barrel roll?

Holy shit.

It's brilliant.

Justin, I don't know who you are,

or where you came from,
or anything about you,

but, my god, if you
are not a fucking talent.

- Wow, thank you.
- No.

Thank you.

Let's take ten, everybody.

All right.

- Lay it on me, Justin.
- What do you mean?

You're acting up there. Stop acting.

Stop acting.

Don't act. Don't.

Because I don't need an actor.

I need Barry gibb.

You're right, boss. I'm sorry.

My process has been
all over the map. I just...

This scene hits a little close to home.

All right, let me guess. The
egomaniac we're talking about,

that's someone in your life?

Someone I work with.

In my... day job.

All right. What are you doing? So quit.

There's no way this gig is more
important than the fucking theater.

I thought this guy was my brother,

but he straight-up hijacked something
I did and took all the credit for it.

All right.

I've been trying to keep
this on the d.L., but...

In addition to my theater work,

I also happen to be a
massive feature director.

Four saturn awards to prove it.

So, I was working on this little film, I
don't know, you may have heard of it,

called dawn of the seven.

Billion dollar gross, but who's counting.

There was this fucking guy, the deep,

he just kept upstaging everyone
with his trite, shitty improvs.

I heard he's a real baby.

He is a Jared leto-level baby bitch.

But you got to put people
like that in their place, right?

So, whoever is upstaging you,
you fucking upstage them right back.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

All right.

You got this, bubbeleh.

Testing. Testing. Bitch. Bitch.

- So great you're here, bro.
- Alpha. Sigma. Beta.

Yes, well, we need to meet
young men where they are

if we plan to Usher them
into the fold of our lord.

Totes mcgotes.

So, listen, you know, I've got some ideas

about how to take this whole
church thing to the next level.

Yeah?

So you know how communion
wafers taste like dried shit?

What if they were nilla wafers instead.

Yeah, and if you could
throw in a commandment

about how it's not cool to
try and bone another bro's girl.

We have that. That already exists.

Great minds then?

Point is, me and
homelander, we go way back.

I know what he likes, doesn't like,

so you ever want to
bounce some ideas back...

don't listen to him, bro.

Shit!

He talks.

- No, he does not.
- He's not trying to help you.

He's like those fish who suck on whales.

You talking about a sucker fish?

He latches onto every new
supe... starlight, me, sage.

He pretends he's the guy, but
he's not the guy. He's a joke.

That smell on his breath? It's because
he's been clam diving, on clams.

What? I have not done that.

- I have definitely never done that.
- Look, if you

really want to impress homelander,
bring me onstage for easter.

Homelander can heal
me. I'll get my voice back.

And then, I'll fly.

- You know I can fly, right?
- That's so fucking stupid, bro!

Well, now, I'm gonna have
to run this by homelander, but,

an honest to god faith healing?

That's like a nine-point bump
with pentecostals right there.

Goddamn.

There's my guy.

Little pep in the step?

Sir, I did what you said, and I
upstaged that fuckhead at work.

I'm proud of you.

Now, that's exactly how I handled
that motherfucker Paul rudd.

He's not who you think he is.

I appreciate the help, boss.

My god, kid. You know what?

Keep this between us,
but you know vought studios

hung me out to dry after
they shelved training a-train?

Yeah.

And at first, I drowned
my sorrows in crack,

nitrous, huffing glue, huffing paint,
paint thinners, cough medicine, guns,

high-risk sex, codeine.

Do you ever fuck on codeine?

But that's not the answer.

This play.

It saved me.

You saved me.

Wow. Thank you.

No. Kid, thank you.

'Cause I got some big news.

We're going to Broadway.

Yes. No more mindless studio bullshit.

I can finally be the artist I
always dreamed of, and you...

Kid, you have no idea, but
you're gonna be a fucking star.

So, you ditch that office gig 'cause
you and I, we are gonna save the world.

With our talent.

My god. You have no idea
how much this means to me!

I love you, kid.

You start your vocal warm-ups.

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna drop a deuce.

Okay.

Fucking Tony Gilroy.

My god!

Adam?

Holy shit.

Get it out!

Come here.

Closer.

My asshole hurts so fucking much.

Hey, bro.

Don't you fucking "hey bro" me.
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Nothing. Why? What's wrong with you?

I call you a "clam diver," and you
send an eel to ass-murder Adam bourke?

Did something terrible happen
at your play rehearsal today?

Which is definitely not your job.

The lead producer's stepping away.
They're shuttering the production.

He had it coming.

Fucker didn't use my
improvs in dawn of the seven.

He believed in me, you fuckwit!

And for what? 'Cause I fucking
upstaged you with father?

Here's what gonna happen now.

You are gonna fucking do
whatever I say whenever I say it,

or I'm gonna tell homelander
you were in some pussy play,

which is a definite conflict of interest

since homelander outlawed the
national endowment for the arts.

You have nothing to say? Nice.

You're really getting the hang
of that meisner technique?

Hey. Hey, buddy.

Good boy. Good boy.

Hi.

You want to fuck me?

You want to fuck me like a good boy?

And Americans, god's chosen people.

So shouldn't we have our
own church for Americans?

With American grit
and American values?

Founded by the greatest
American of us all?

A true American prophet?

Hold on.

What're you doing?

Frenchie won't cook my
steak past medium rare,

and I like mine burnt, with ketchup.

Okay, and why don't you tell him that?

I have.

Maybe we just don't like
the same... Steak, you know?

Jesus Christ.

Has butcher ever washed this thing?

That thing is, like, glazed in dog semen.

Like a come doughnut.

Come-nut? Did I just invent a new word?

You know what? I am gonna
do us all a favor and wash this.

Terror, your boyfriend is about
to become a virgin all over again.

Oof.

Good boy.

The fuck is that?

You finally building yourself a fuck-bot?

Something me and
frenchie are working on.

Proper preparation
and planning, my son.

None of my fucking business, got it.

Yeah, that's the one.

- Any leads on bomb sight?
- Not a damn thing.

Well, he's an unbreakable
cunt that flies through the air.

How hard can it be?

Well, if it's so easy, why
don't you look for him?

I've hit every single
dead end and then some.

How about legend? That
old bastard knows everyone.

He's in the wind.

And if I had as much shit on
vought as he did, I'd fuck off, too.

Shit.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Oi. Terror, no!
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Get down. No, terror. Oi.
- Good boy. Good boy.

Oi, oi, oi, oi. No.

You can't have no chocolate, mate.

Yeah, get your own chocolate.

What?

- Three Mississippi rule.
- Bloody hell.

I never thought I'd see the day.

It's got a fucking pubic hair on it and all.

Tasty, too.

You know what's funny?

Here we are, parked in the middle of hell,

and I've never slept or
shit so good in my entire life.

- What's different?
- Well, like you,

I just finally realized
that I'm already dead.

And once I just gave up that stress
of needing to stay alive, it's like,

shit got easier.

You know, I spent my whole life

going after soldier boy for
what he did to my family.

Yet he's immortal?

He's immune?

What kind of fucking cosmic joke is that?

So, you tell me, butcher.

Why should I keep going?

Well, you keep going
for Monique, for Janine.

They're better off without me.

How can a man so
smart be so fucking daft?

They are.

And I'm better off without them.

Because if I thought that there
was a snowball's chance in hell

that I might see them again...

then I might be too scared to do
what you and me both need me to do.

Bonsoir, mon toutou.

You wonder what am I doing?

Well, first, I made kimiko
the perfect French ribeye.

You know, she loves my steak.

And for dessert, my soufflé au chocolat.

It's a thing of legend.

You know, she wants one of you.

To... I don't know.

What is it that you do?

Eat? Sleep? Fetch.

I throw the ball, you bring it back.

It's a nightmare of futility.

What would I do with one of you?

I've killed every plant I've owned.

I'd surely kill you, too.

She deserves peace.

A normal life.

But I...

I don't know how to give her this.

If I even can.

La, la, la, la.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no. Aw...

Fils de pute!

I need fresh air. You want to come?

Outside?

No?

Okay.

If you and m.M. Still think...

for fuck's sakes, Hughie, knock it off

with this v1 shite. You're
doing me fucking head in.

Oi. Terror. Cut it out. Come on.

Now, listen, if we do find that stuff,

we're not making any fucking
vaccines out of it, all right?

We're not the department
of fucking health.

We burn that shit before
homelander gets his paws on it,

- and that's that.
- Well, if you want to kill yourself,

knock yourself out, but why do
you have to decide for the rest of us?

'Cause I'm fucking right!

'Cause I've always been right!

I've been telling you
lot from the fucking start

the sky is falling, and guess what.

The sky fucking fell.

- Well, you kind of helped bring it down.
- Don't give me that bollocks.

Listen, homelander
thinks he's a fucking god.

Once he becomes immortal,
he's gonna start killing like one,

and we are talking millions of people.

Now, are you telling me you're
honestly happy to risk all of that

for a life on the run with your girl,

knowing that you could've stopped it?

You can live with that, can you?

What if it was Becca?

You'd just let her die?

I did let her die.

Look.

I know that homelander comes first.

I really do.

All I'm asking is that we try.

Annie and kimiko deserve that much.

Oi, terror, no!

Oi, get out of there. Bloody
hell. Is that chocolate?

Isn't chocolate bad for dogs?

For a dog this old, it's fucking lethal. Oi!

Frenchie, you cunt! Get me some
hydrogen peroxide, would you?

Okay, we have some in the
first aid kit. Give me one second.

- What happened?
- You poisoned me fucking dog.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What's going on?

Look, all you need is charcoal.

- We should call a vet.
- They're gonna tell you

- you need charcoal.
- Guys, we got this.

- Just give us some room.
- I'll hold his mouth open, you pour.

Right? On the count of
three. One, two, three.

Sorry, buddy.

There you go.

That's a... all right, all right.

- Oof. That's it.
- Ew.

That's it. Good boy. You're all right.

You're gonna be all right, boy.

Fucking hell.

Hey. You want some Turkey?

Well, first, you got to fuck me.

Then I'll give you the Turkey.

Oi.

There he is.

Oi. Hey, were you
having a dream, were you?

Was it a goody?

How's he doing?

Yeah, he's all right.

Thank you for... Yeah. It's all good.

Oi.

Hughie.

Listen... If we do find that v1,

and if it don't fuck us...

y-you can have some.

For Annie and... kimiko.

What about you?

Oi, but as soon as
frenchie's got that shite sorted,

we're using it, all right? Ready or not.

Ooh.

Yeah.

What you looking at?

Nothing.

And as for you, don't you ever
fucking do that to me again, all right?

Good boy.

Now, I caught blondie trying to
give your wank-plush the boil wash,

but I know how you
love the crunchy goods.

Yes, I do. I know how you
love those crunchy goods. Yeah.

You do realize this kind of
sudden religious upheaval is likely

to generate widespread civil unrest?

Local law can handle the
suburbs, but we could use

extra hands in major metros.

All right, we'll recall all the
supes stationed overseas.

American heroes should
be protecting america,

not who-gives-a-fuck is tan.

Great idea.

- Where to?
- Crime analytics.

That was thrilling, wasn't it?

What a bright future
we have ahead of us.

It was a real guccione piss party.

Imagine how much more exciting it'll
be when homelander becomes immortal.

Have you found the v1?

No.

Homelander hasn't gotten
anything out of Stan Edgar?

No. But I haven't had a crack at him yet.

Jesus, give me a little
personal space, will you, garth?

Twenty-four-seven agents must be
hard for someone so into scat play.

You realize I do actually work?

I was this close to convincing the fcc
to pull every broadcast license but vnn.

Homelander feels this is more important.

What now?

The president and I
stand by this decision.

We need our American
supes here in america.

Well, isn't it kind of sort of
your fault for being invaded?

You might as well have
been wearing a short skirt.

Man, those Ukrainians sure
have a fucking mouth on them.

Remember, you're doing the lord's work.

Word's out, vought's stock is tanking.

The international markets
are in free fall, and you're not

- the least bit concerned?
- It's not about what I think.

It's what the man wants.

It's always what the man wants.

You want a drink?

So, we're at the climate
change summit in reykjavík,

when the Swiss chancellor says
we should all race our gulfstreams.

The amount of co2 we splooged out?

The air was chewy the next day, lolz.

Come on. What do you
want from me, sage?

What makes you think I
want anything from you?

You haven't called me the poster
child for late-term abortion once today.

Truth be told, you're not the one I want.

I know you know what
homelander's doing.

- He's going after the v1.
- Wait, what?!

- And if he gets any...
- he lives forever. -What is v1?

And what do you mean
homelander lives forever?

I've done what I can to
make sure he doesn't find any.

How do you know about this and I don't?

Have you two been talking without me?

Homelander is an open baby
book, but soldier boy is tricky.

I need you to read his mind.

What he knows, where
they're headed next,

and most importantly, if soldier boy
is warming up to his sadistic rugrat.

Okay. I'm in.

The fuck you are.

- We're not conspiring against homelander.
- Hey.

Don't forget the aung San suu kyi
quote tramp stamped on our ass.

"The only real prison is fear."

- No, the only real prison is prison.
- Ashley...

what do you think
happens to you if I die?

I'm not about to risk my neck

because I let an overgrown
boil do my thinking for me.

Okay, fine. Just stay.

Why? So you can
play more mind games?

You gave me your answer. I heard you.

Now, don't make me drink alone.

I'm starving. Are you starving?

I'd kill for a chalupa right now.

I'd kill for a big, juicy dick.

Hey, we should call Gavin.

His girth was amazing, and,
man, the amount of spunk

he shot back here, we
looked like pepé le pew.

We are not Booty-calling
my high school boyfriend.

But he was so sweet. And
mom loved him, remember?

Yeah, well, mom's dead,
so she doesn't get a say,

- and neither do you.
- What happened to her?

Cancer.

My grandmother, too.

What was she like? Your mother?

Tiny. And terrifying.

This one bitch, Harper Hewitt,
used to make fun of my nose,

so my mom tells
Mr. Hewitt that Mrs. Hewitt

has been railing the
ups guy, which she was.

That was mom, bringing
a nuke to a knife fight.

So, they moved.

And the rest of
kindergarten was no sweat.

My folks shot me up with v,
thinking I'd be a meal ticket.

And then, my power
turned out to be smarts.

Which is the worst fucking one.

Try knowing what everyone
really thinks of you all day.

Ooh, trust me.

The thing people hate
more than just about anything

is feeling stupid.

So, when a three-year-old
corrects your grammar or, tells them

their "life dream yogurt
shop" is doomed to fail,

they start to hate you, too.

Least my parents did.

So they dumped me at my grandma's.

But grandma,

she was the only one who
ever thought it was a gift.

I would quote othello
to her word for word,

and-and... she'd clap
and laugh her big laugh.

I'm still so pissed she is gone.

I used to want to be like my mom.

Strong. Pushy as fuck.

Didn't take shit from anyone.

You still can.

If you help me.

Fuck you.

You knew about my mom the whole time.

You drew it out of me
just to soften me up.

- Did it work?
- No. This is my fucking problem with you.

I know you've been working
some big plan all year.

How am I supposed to trust you if I'm
just a pawn in your fucked-up chess game?

All right.

If I tell you, will you help me?

I would heavily consider it.

Helping homelander take
control of the country is phase one.

It was only ever the
beginning. Phase two is the end.

- The end of what?
- The world.

After this supe-killing virus is released...

- wait, you want it released?
- You bet I do.

After supes realize humans are
behind it, all hell will break loose.

Supes butchering humans,
virus butchering supes.

- Fucking world war supe.
- I don't believe you.

Swear on my grandma's soul.

Why would you possibly want that?

'Cause I'll be watching from my
cozy bunker outside Colorado Springs.

And when it's all over, I
can read all day every day,

no one bothering me.

Nothing but peace and quiet forever.

Which is why homelander can't survive.

God, that needy asshole would
never give me a moment's rest.

Yeah, defeats the whole purpose.

Don't worry. You're invited to my bunker.

You, too, Ashley.

Fuck.

- Would you like some knee pads?
- Sorry? What?

You're looking at me like
you want to suck my hog.

So I'm asking you if you
would like some knee pads.

Go easy on the little guy.

- He brought me Stan Edgar.
- Thank you, sir.

You may leave.

What crawled up your shithole?

No idea what you mean.

When you're pissy,

you tend to make everybody
else's lives pissy, too.

Stan Edgar still stonewalling you?

I've talked to him three times now.

Says he has no idea where the
v1 is. Heart rate steady as a rock.

I'm starting to believe him.

That slippery fuck used
to fetch my cocaine.

You know what? I have an idea.

Why don't I take a crack at him?

What, you don't trust me?

Well, you did lock me in a
room with nuclear material

and, tried to stop me getting the v1,

so I'm sure you can
understand my hesitance.

You could've killed me at
fort Harmony, but you didn't.

- Maybe I feel like I owe you.
- Or maybe you're lying.

Maybe.

Give me an hour.

I'll meet you at Edgar's cell.

My, my, how the mighty have
fucked themselves square in the ass.

Don't shit where you eat, Stan.

So, you've called in reinforcements.

I wanted to see the prick
that sold me out to the reds.

It wasn't personal. It
was a business decision.

We had your replacement
model on the way.

Even as a toddler, homelander
showed more promise than you ever did.

Not that it amounted to much.

When have you ever done anything

remotely interesting or original?

My power is absolute, Stan.

At heights no one's even dreamed of.

I'd call that pretty fucking original.

Nothing that the lowest speck

of this pointless species
couldn't have thought of,

were they to be granted
your level of power.

Why am I still alive?

Because you're useful, Stan.

- And I always wanted a pet.
- Perhaps.

Or is it because you are so
desperate for daddy figures

that you can't even bring yourself
to kill the ones who hate you.

At least that's something
he and I have in common.

Do you want to die, Stan?

Jesus.

You could get pregnant
with all the eye-fucking.

Tempe, Arizona.

Is that supposed to mean something?

Well, I had the eggheads
in crime analytics

track down your
granddaughter, Zoe, and her dad.

They're in tempe, Arizona.

So... Where is the v1?

As I told you, I genuinely don't know.

But... I may know someone who does.

You should go and see
mister marathon in L.A.

He's always had an intense
interest in vought's history.

It should be a delightful reunion.

Homelander, it is really,
really good to see you.

Why... you know,
what-what brings you by?

- Relax. We're just here to talk.
- Yeah, yeah, great, awesome.

And soldier boy, wow. Big fan, sir.

I actually, popped my
cherry in your underoos.

Nice.

So you were part of the seven?

I was, I was. You know, until
this one replaced me with a-train.

Check it out. Come on.

Well, you're only the world's fastest man

as long as you're the world's
fastest man, champ, and you got slow.

It was one race. You never gave
me the chance to win it back, boss.

Hey, check this one out.

Grossed 35 mil.

On a $200 million budget.

- These aren't even vought films.
- What's the difference?

These were made where
washed-up supes go to die.

Sony pictures TV.

It's a legit studio.

And I save half on their tvs.

And maybe we're not
part of the official vcu,

and maybe we can't mention vought
or, you know, any licensed vought hero,

but, hey, I'm still making magic.

That and I, I sling a little bit on the side.

Blow, pills, ozempic, whatever you need.

Fastest dealer in town.

All right, come on. The gang
will be psyched to meet you.

Did you guys hear? They
rounded up Aziz, macaulay,

- Joaquin, kiefer, meryl.
- I also heard they got Benedict.

- Wong or cumberbatch?
- Both.

- Fuck!
- I know. Dude, what the fuck, malchemical?

Get your boys in check?

Just 'cause I'm a supe doesn't
mean I truck in that fascist shit.

- We need to do something.
- Why?

'Cause we're storytellers, dude.

- Yeah.
- Our superpower

is we inspire hearts and minds.

Look at the characters we create:

- Luke Skywalker, Katniss, Gandhi.
- Bitch please.

Come on, like Mark Hamill,
j-law, and sir Ben Kingsley

do anything but collect
their fucking residuals.

- They're very engaged.
- Look, here's what we do.

We all post about this
simultaneously on Instagram.

- Yes.
- Black squares on the main feed.

- Black lives matter did black squares.
- Fuck. You're right.

We do blue squares on the grid.

'Cause blue lives matter.
That's totally different.

I wouldn't post that.

Is there any color that hasn't
been taken by some fucking group?

- What about white?
- Well...

Ooh, ooh, I'll get Lena Dunham
to write an editorial for the Atlantic.

- Yeah.
- It's like, that'll really rate.

She's great.

- That has great readership.
- She's a great writer.

- She's a very persuasive...
- universally beloved.

Whatever, fuck sticks.

Look, best day of my life
was when they executed hader.

Right? More offer-onlys for the forte.

Hey, do we think Michael
cera's a star lighter?

'Cause we're up for
the same part right now,

and it'd be pretty good if he got vanished.

We've been friends with
him for 20 years, Chris.

- Yeah, but I really need this part, man.
- No. No.

- 'Sup?
- Homelander.

Soldier boy. Wow.

I'm will. Remember me? I'm the
one who turned in Channing Tatum.

Seth Rogen. We actually
met once before, with black noir

at the premiere for silent
vengeance 3: Vengeance reloaded.

Big fan. I'm actually, testifying in
front of congress for you, you know,

outing suspected starlighters.

Post Malone.

You need to get the fuck
away from me right now.

- You bet, yeah.
- Yeah.

We came here looking for something.

What do you know about v1?

You've come to the right place.

Here you go.

Yeah, vought yanked that one
from newsstands after Kent state.

Good times.

- How'd you end up with it?
- Some old bitch on eBay.

I paid 20 bucks. I mean, it'd
go for half a mil at auction easy.

Yeah, Dr. Vought was
a, was a titan, a visionary.

He was a pansy with a German
accent and sweaty palms.

He was a complicated guy.

Do you or do you not have v1?

I-I don't.

But bomb sight does.

He does.

- That piece of shit's still alive?
- Yeah.

Yeah, he was my best
customer for a long time.

What makes you think he has it?

One night, he was
tweaked out of his gourd,

and he told me he had some,

- and I believe him.
- Where is he?

Me and bomb sight are still cool.

Wh-why don't we all just hang
out for a sec, and i-I'll call him.

He'll-he'll fly right over.

I scooped this up from Bogotá
while you were taking a piss.

I mean, for the soldier
boy, nothing but the best.

Seth?

No, I actually hate weed.

I just pretend to like it for my brand,
so I can sell ashtrays to suckers.

Yo, homelander.

You want to hit this?

It is my life goal to
smoke you out, homie.

Don't call me that.

Homelander.

It's good to see you again.

- Do I know you?
- Yeah.

We met, like, six times. Malchemical.

Make deadly gasses.

Did that whole campaign with gas-x.

That's embarrassing.

Homelander still as weird
as he was when I was there?

Well, I wasn't there back then, but yes.

So, get this. One time, at les deux,

Mischa bar ton wanted
to suck him off, right?

He spent two hours talking to her

about Nietzsche, then left
when she stepped on his cape.

That fucking cape.

Like a baby with a blanket.

Pretty sure he jerks off into
it. Probably why it's so stiff.

Say that again.

Can't you take a fucking joke?

Say it again.

Thought as much.

If bombsight's not coming, I'm leaving.

No, he's on his way, be
here any minute. I swear.

Nah, I'm done.

- Shit.
- By the way... hey!

I heard you all.

And I want you all to know

that very soon, gentlemen,
you are going to pay

for your sick posts and
your hateful memes.

Especially the memes.

What, no, no, no, no.

- I-It was kumail and Seth's idea.
- What?!

- Fuck you, forte! That...
- I-I was against it. I was against it.

It was, it was fucking his idea, man!

He is just sucking your dick so
you can help his shitty fucking career.

Take them, okay?

Shit, i-I'll take 'em out for you right now.

Really, yeah? You
want to take me, bitch?

- I'm fucking yoked now.
- Shut up, forte. -Really? Okay...

- forte, you're making this worse...
- I'm not!

Everybody, stop!

We really should round up Michael cera.

Homelander.

- S-Sorry. Quick question.
- What?

For fuck's sakes.

- Ooh!
- Who's memorable now?

- What the fuck?
- Easy. Easy. Easy.

- Can we fuck off, please?!
- Chill out, macgruber. Everything's cool.

Hey, man, we don't have
a problem with you, honest,

but-but-but-but fuck this fucking guy.

You know, he fucked my life.

Look, I-If you help us get rid
of him, then we all win, and you,

you can have the seven.

And I don't even, like, really care
if you bring me back or whatever.

I don't need to kill him to get the seven.

No, yeah, of course not,

but what about all that creepy
shit he's doing with that church?

I mean, they're rounding
up everybody cool,

all the hookers, the drug dealers.

They want to ban porn.

I mean, they want to
ban fucking abortions.

Yeah.

Okay, well, banning abortion would
be a big problem for me personally.

Exactly, for all of us.

S-So, if we kill him, w-we
can stop worrying about being

cops or-or-or gods or-or asexual weirdos.

You know, we can go back to fucking
and-and being fucking awesome.

Look, we know you've got
that fucked-up chest blast thing.

I mean, I was at herogasm. I saw it.

Just finish him now.

Take away his powers,
so we can curb stomp him

while we have the chance.

He is a fucking asexual weirdo.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But as much as it pains me to say this,

he's my fucking asexual weirdo.

- Nobody fucks my son but me.
- What?

That came out wrong.

- Whoa!
- Fuck!

What the fuck?!

Danny trejo need to stick to acting.

Them tacos fucked my shit up.

Soldier boy.

911. What's your emergency?

Yeah, please send police
right now. We're gonna die.

- Okay. What is the address?
- I don't know the address.

- Do you know the address?
- I don't know the address.

Fuck. Fuck. Don't
kill... please don't kill us.

Shut up. Shut up.

I'm not gonna kill you.

I'm gonna get you out of here,
but you need to do exactly as I say.

Go. Go.

Fuck!

No! No!

What'd you do to me, man?

Seth.

Fuck. Hey, hey.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Is-is it bad?

Well... I-I didn't mean to.

I don't want to die, man.

It's gonna be okay.

I'll remember you

- every time I watch an American pickle.
- What?

Fuck!

Does bomb sight really have it?

Fuck you! I'm gonna rip your balls
off and stuff 'em down your throat.

That'd be like trying to shove two
grapefruits through a garden hose.

Does bomb sight have the v1?!

God!

Yes, yes! Okay, yes! That part was true.

I swear to fucking god, man.

- He's got it.
- Where is he?

- I don't know.
- Where the fuck is he?!

I don't know. I haven't talked to
him in, like, five years, I swear, man.

I swear to god. Please.

What happened?

I took care of it.

Why?

Because fuck them.

That's why.

I don't think this micro-prick was lying.

Bombsight has the v1.
We just got to find him.

Also...

I've been fucking firecracker.

But out of respect for
you, that's... that's done.

Plus, her pillow talk was
getting to be a real drag.

Pillow talk?

Homelander.

How was L.A.?

Did you catch tonight's truth bomb?

I did indeed.

And it was a real barnburner.

- Well done.
- Thank you, sir.

That means the world.

How's sex with my father?

Is he good at it?

Are you thinking about me

when you're making love to him?

I never meant to cross a line

- or offend you in...
- no. No, no, no, no.

Don't fret, little one.

I don't care about the sex, really.

But I do care about
your little chats after sex.

Sir, whatever soldier boy told
you, I can assure you that I...

you mean, your inner turmoil
when it comes to me and...

Jesus?

Are you thinking of Jesus
when you're praising me?

No, you are my one and only savior.

You s-say that, but your jagged little
heart is whirring like a hummingbird.

You're supposed to worship me.

Love me.

And me alone.

- I do.
- I believed in you.

Turns out...

you don't believe in me.

I need you to collect your things...

and leave.

But I do believe in you.

I love you.

I am the only one here who ever has!

I gave you everything.

I gave you my soul.

Everybody else here, they're just...

They're just scared of you.

Or they want something from you,
but I have always loved you for you.

Just the strongest,
smartest, best man on earth.

Man?

No, no, no, no, no. A god. No.

No, the god.

My lord, that look you used
to get when you'd suckle me?

I felt like mother Mary herself.

I felt blessed to nourish someone as...

Important as you.

But nothing I ever did
was good enough, was it?

You cast me out into the cold.

Which was so much worse than never
feeling your warmth in the first place.

So all I have been trying to do

is to get you to see me
the way that you used to.

Hell, only reason I was with soldier
boy was because your reflected light...

is better than no light at all.

Please, sir.

I love you.

We all need love, don't we?

Even god.