All language subtitles for Ill.Be.Next.Door.For.Christmas.2018.1080P-[Yts.Am]-ENG

Nicky's gone crazy!

Oh.

This is the best Christmas ever.

Mommy, why is Nicky
killing Christmas?

It's just something
teenage girls do.

Nicky, you stop this behavior,
right now!

Before you decide

that I'm the bad guy here.

Let me explain to you
about my childhood.

Be a little elf for us,
honey. Be a baby elf.

Please, princess,
just be an elf.

- Nicky.
- Oh!

- Yeah... Oh! Get...
- Nicky...

Get on with it.

It'll be just one moment.

Even then,
my tiny baby brain knew

I had to do something.

No elf.

Her first words.
She said her first words!

Christmas words.

No elf.

Sorry, kid, I can't help you.

You're stuck with the family
you're born into.

Your daddy has a very special

Christmas surprise
for you, Nicky.

A penguin?

No, Nicky.

It is a real live reindeer!

Ah!

Oh, no.

Why is she wearing
her polar bear costume?

Polar bears are
the natural enemies of reindeer.

Everyone knows that.

- No one knows that.
- It's common knowledge for him.

Ah!

- Bad, Blitzen!
- Stop that reindeer!

Even my first romance
was ruined by my dad's OCD.

Obsessive Christmas disorder.

Thanks for taking me
to the movie.

What's with all this
Christmas stuff?

It's only September.

Oh, this stuff?

I didn't really notice.

You just ignore it.

You're so pretty.

Wanna kiss?

Okay.

Never kissed a boy before.

Ho, ho, ho!

Whoa!

- Ho, ho, ho!
- Oh, watch out, his hands, uh...

- Ho, ho, ho!
- Um, I mean,

you can still kiss me.

Not in front of Santa.

- Ho, ho, ho!
- How do you turn this thing off?

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

I gotta go.

Oh, curfew?

- No.
- Oh, well, uh, text me!

This was fun!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Ho, ho, ho!

Yes, some kids
with difficult childhoods

turn to drugs and crime.

Instead, I found my refuge

in the traditional instrument
of rebellion.

The tuba.

You know you're playing
the trumpet part,

not the tenor tuba part, right?

Hm. I'm a musical maverick.

Playing the tuba
gives you those

great looking upper arms, Nicky.

And well-defined cheeks,

but, uh, playing flute means
I get to tilt my head like this,

which, uh, Josh,
that hot keyboard player,

finds very attractive.

Especially, when I go like this.

Or he thinks
you're having a seizure.

Performing arts camp
is the best, right?

- Hmm.
- All right,

I've put in my five minutes
of practice for the day,

so let's go
before the cello girls

- get all the guys.
- Ugh!

God, those cello girls
are the worst.

Look, I'm gonna have
to catch up with you.

I gotta get this passage down.

The double tonguing
is super tricky.

Mm. You know what?

I'd like to double tongue Josh.

Oh...

God.

That was a good one, right?

You should give me
more setups like that.

Look, you can do this
whole focused-on-your-work thing

all you want, but, uh,
we are sharing a closet here,

and I've seen some
of the bras you brought.

And some of them are super lacy.

What's up with that?

Well, surely you're not
suggesting something scandalous?

Silly.

Staying inside
on a summer day is so sad.

Oi!

Suit yourself.

Okay.

Who was playing
the trumpet song?

Oh!

Thank for walking me
to class again.

Walking you?
I thought you were walking me.

This is a pretty tough
neighborhood.

I'll do my best to protect you.

I need a tough

Santa Clarita girl
who would keep me safe.

Santa Clarita?
How'd you know that?

Someone's a clever boy.

Actually, it was written
on your tuba case.

Oh!

But I was clever enough
to learn to read when I was six,

'cause I knew
this day would come.

You wanna go on a date
some time, Nicky?

Well, where would you take me?

You know, I'm, uh, kind of
a fancy girl.

Well, since there's only
a mess hall,

I was thinking we could go
down there for a PowerBar?

OG juice?

Fancy enough.

Okay, class,
for this next improv

let me have two volunteers.

- Oh, oh.
- Okay, Stephanie and...

Josh.

- Oh, Josh.
- Me. Pick me.

And Josh.

Oh!

Slick move.

- I respect a good wingwoman.
- Hi.

That goes for both friends
and superheroes.

Now we need a relationship

- for these two.
- Married.

- And a location.
- Desert island.

And begin.

Oh, honey, I can't believe
were stuck on a desert island

for our tenth
wedding anniversary.

It's not our anniversary.

Oh. Stop, stop, stop.

People, the first rule of improv
is, yes, and.

Any time a scene partner
says something

you must agree and add on to it.

Yes, and, is the most important
rule in the theater.

And in life.

- Try it again.
- Okay.

All right.

Honey, help me!

I'm... I'm downing,
I can't breathe.

I need mouth to mouth
resuscitation. Save me, please.

- She's drowning.
- No, I'm gonna die.

You gotta kiss me
and give me mouth to mouth.

Yeah, you just need to...

Let's start our own improv.

Yes, and.

Can't believe we gotta go home.

Summer really flies by,

especially when you're hanging
with girl who's beautiful,

and plays the tuba.

I am a rare combination.

Yes, you are.

I hate that you live
in California.

I hate that you live
in Connecticut.

Maybe I can convince my dad
we should move to Cali.

Okay.

No one calls it Cali,
but it's cute when you do it.

You know, I like this plan.

I'll start making brownies
for your mom and dad

as soon as I land.

Well, my mom's actually...

She's not around, you know.

- Oh, I...
- Oh, no. It's totally fine.

Not like she died or anything.

Really, it's no big deal.

Are your parents divorced?

Yeah.

My mom sorta left one day.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

It really hit my dad hard.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Things don't seem so bad
when you're around.

Aww.

You guys are criminally adorable
but we're gonna miss our flight.

Stephanie, how long
have you been standing there?

No need to feel embarrassed,
your love gives me life.

I don't get it.

I hope this isn't
just a summer fling,

because I really
wanna come visit you.

It isn't.
And you better.

Jesus. Mom?

- Dad, I'm home.
- My baby!

Oh!

Mm. Missed you too, Dad.

Oh, it is so difficult
being away from my daughter

during the pre-Christmas season.

- It's August.
- That's pre.

Come on.
Everybody, Nicky's home!

You must be so excited.

Don't hit the displays,
I worked really hard on those.

Fam, fam, family.

Time for our
pre-Christmas meeting.

- Noelle?
- Daddy, I'm here.

Of course you are, sugar plum.
Good job.

Ho, ho, hold a minute
there, Nicky.

It's meeting time,
you're not going anywhere.

Hey, Dad. I am present,

and ready to do
whatever is necessary

to ensure
the best Christmas ever.

Well, that's my boy.

Are you sure it's your boy?

Mom!

Really, we're going to...
We're gonna do this?

And cut your hair,
you damn hippie.

Okay. Really?

She's not in her right mind.

Anyways,

as you all know, our family
is known in this neighborhood

for its Christmas spirit,
Christmas cheer,

and having more boughs of holly

than any other house
in the state.

And we are also known

for having the most valuable
collectible item

in all of Christmas land.

I speak of course,

of the very same hat
worn by Santa

in the greatest film
of all time,

Miracle on 34th Street.

Not the remake,
but the original,

way back in 1947.

- Chills.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I actually wore that hat

the day I proposed
to your mother.

What girl could say no to that?

I was also wearing it on the day
when each of you kids were born.

And conceived.

And I think you kids turned out
pretty darn good.

Which makes that
one lucky hat. Hmm.

And every year,

I feel like we have to earn
the right to own this hat.

Oh, honey.

Stay inside, tears.

Stay inside.

Okay, who wants muffins?

Hello.

Hey!

I have a super
important question for you.

Do you guys do like, uh,
you know, a big Christmas?

What? No.

It's totally low-key.
Very chill.

In fact, it's a low-key version
of chill.

Why, what have you heard?

I was thinking,

maybe me and my dad could
come out to Cali to see you.

Really?

That's...

That's amazing.

I'm so excited,

I'm gonna let the fact
that you called it "Cali" slide.

I didn't really get into it,

but, um, when my mom left us,
she actually left

on Christmas day.

It'd be good for my dad
to get outta here.

Being around the snow,

the decorations,
the trees in this town...

it's not good for him.

I mean, that Christmas morning
she left all those stockings

just empty.

You know, big Christmas tree,
no presents underneath.

I think every ornament he sees
is like a stab to the heart.

Stab.

The main thing is,
I get to see you.

Did you miss me?

- Uh, mostly the tuba.
- Mm.

But I guess I missed you too.

This is gonna be great.

I'm really looking forward
to a low-key Christmas.

Okay, okay.
Everyone set?

Christmas family photo,
in three, two, one.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

This is a disaster.

Well, matzoh ball soup
fixes everything.

See? Isn't that better?

Nope.

Tanner's still flying
2,000 miles

to get away from Christmas.

And instead, he and his dad
are gonna wind up

in the eye
of the Christmas tornado.

My house is ground zero
for holiday horrors.

It's a Christmas crap storm.

I can't put the poor guy through
a Christmas version

of A Clockwork Orange

Don't...

Maybe I can ask my dad
to tone it down this year,

just this one time.

Maybe, I dunno.

Hey, Nicky.

I thought I saw your dad
on the line at the mall

to sit in Santa's lap.

Is that a holiday thing
or a lifestyle change?

At least I know
who my father is, Danny.

Ooh.

I'm sorry.

Oh, look at me, the stress
of this is turning me evil.

I wish I could just be Jewish

like you, and then I wouldn't
have to deal with any of this.

Yes, because to be Jewish
is to live a problem-free life.

I mean, historically,

when have the Jews
ever had any troubles?

Maybe I could ask Tanner
to come over

spring break instead.

I think that's much safer.

But his love might die by then.

Better to chance
the slow death of his love,

than he meets your family
and it just dies instantly.

You're right.

- I have to tell him now to come.
- Mm-hmm.

Ow!

No father, now this.

I can do it.

Let me hear you say it

- I can do it.
- Okay.

Then let me hear you say it.

Tanner, I'm sorry.

But I can't see you
at Christmas.

Good. Now just stay strong.

Let him know spring break
will be here before he knows it,

and then, bam! Lovers reunite,
music swells, fade to black. Ha!

Okay.

Hey!

Hey! Uh, so...

Uh, I was thinking about
what you said about coming,

- And...
- I know,

I can't stop thinking
about it either, I'm so excited.

You know, my dad
is looking forward to it too.

- Well...
- Hold on.

Something's wrong.

You don't want me to come?

Um...

No, if you don't feel
the same way I do,

I don't wanna pressure you.

No, no. No, it's not about that.

I... I don't feel
pressure at all.

So...

We both still really
like each other

after all these months, huh?

I guess this is pretty serious.

To be honest,

I'm just using you
because I need a tuba player

for my death metal band.

You shred a mean tuba.

You probably say that tuba stuff
to all the girls.

I got you something.

It's a surprise.

You wanna know what it is?

- I...
- It's a present

I had made for you.

Gold bass clef symbol.

Because you know,
you rock the bottom.

I mean, bottom musically.
Musically speaking.

- Hmm.
- It's a bass clef

and a treble clef upside down,
and it makes a heart.

You sure it's okay
if we come out there?

Uh, you made her
a musical heart,

yes, yes, of course
you should come. Duh.

Okay. What about you, Nicky?

Oh.

I would love to see you
at Christmas.

And in conclusion,

with the addition
of the extra power generator

providing us with 500 more amps.

The power output
of our display comes to a total,

one million watts.

Whoa!

Oh!

This may be the year
that our display

will be seen from space.

You got jingle balls, Dad.

Rudy!

Noelle, why are you laughing?

I don't know.

And the best part of all

is, this.

Ha? Ah! See?

You control
exactly how it moves.

Now, uh...

Nicky, obviously,
you're the only one

in the family
with the dance moves

who could do Santa's big number
at the end of the tour.

So you're gonna have
to operate it all night.

Can I talk to you and mom
for a smidge?

Privately.

- Oh.
- Good.

Because we actually wanted
to talk to you too.

Hmm.

We're gonna need the room
a minute, Noelle.

You too.

So that's how it's gonna be?

Bye.

- What I wanted to say was...
- Thank you.

- What?
- Thank you.

Thank you?

For all
the great Christmases.

You're welcome.

But we really wanna
keep this on you.

We want you to know that
as much fun as Christmas is,

we also know it's a lot of work.

- A lot of fun work.
- A lot of work

that you didn't sign up for,
but you do it anyway.

And we just wanted to say
thank you so much

for being an amazing daughter.

And allowing our family
to be who we are.

Especially, this year.

Yeah, about that.
Look, I was thinking...

Wait. Why this year?

- Uh, because of Noelle.
- She's seven.

Seven is the perfect age
to experience Christmas.

You're young enough
to see the magic.

Uh, some of us
never grow out of it.

But old enough to understand
the deeper meaning.

Christmas as a seven-year-old

is a once
in a lifetime experience.

You and Rudy had yours.

- This year belongs to Noelle.
- Hmm.

Is there research
to back that up?

Oh.

Oh.

So what did you want
to talk to us about, sweetie?

Just about how much
I love our Christmases.

Aww!

- Get in here.
- Hey, come over.

Steph, there's gotta be
another way.

Noelle can still have
a magical Christmas

without this massive
lighting display.

And why didn't you
tell them that?

Uh, you should've seen
the looks on their faces.

You're stuck between
a Christmas tree

and a hard place.

If your dad makes

a bigger lighting display
than before.

Tanner and his dad will see it
before the plane even lands.

No, I know. It's a hazard.

That's it!

You're a genius.

Aw!

I'm a genius.

No, no, no!

Thank you so much,
for meeting with me, Councilman.

This family must be stopped.

This is the car crash
that happened three years ago

because motorist were watching
the family's Christmas display

in the front of the house,
instead of the road.

And then,
12,000 homes lost power

because this family's display
overloaded the grid.

Well, that's not
a very good picture

because all the lights were out.

What about
all this wasted energy?

What kind of a planet
are we leaving

for Christmases in the future?

So, Councilman Hecht,
as a concerned citizen

who is in no way connected
to this family,

I urge you to order the police
to enforce these existing laws

that prohibit massive
Christmas displays like this.

But polls show people
like Christmas.

There's an obscure but valid law

against this many lights
at one house.

But also, people don't like it
when obscure laws are enforced.

But it's the right thing to do.

Polls show that
the right thing to do

is not the popular thing to do.

Why do you care so much
about polls?

There's an election coming up.

I'll give you a hundred bucks...

for your campaign.

- Oh, no.
- Why?

Is everything okay, Dad?

No. This is a court order
prohibiting us

from doing our normal
Christmas display.

It... It limits our wattage,

- and the height of our tree.
- But why?

Apparently, there some
obscure city ordinance about,

"ostentatious
Christmas displays."

I hate it when obscure laws
are enforced.

And right when we're about

to have Noelle's most special
Christmas ever.

What kind of monster
would do this to us?

Oh, my...

What kinda world
are we living in?

You know what,
maybe we'll cut down

- on the inflatables.
- Hey, Dad!

Look.

- Oh!
- It's your hat.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Oh, if ever I needed
a magical Santa hat

now would be the time.

Hey, buddy,
what have you got for me?

Chris, it's gonna be okay.

Shh! I'm talking to the hat.

Tell me what to do.

I hope this isn't hereditary.

Chris, are you all right?

Actually, I'm better
than all right.

Chris, what are you doing?

Uh, you remember
that thing I built in college?

- What thing?
- The Christmas thing.

You've built a million
Christmas things.

Oh, that Christmas thing.

Can you believe
I almost threw this away?

Okay.

Behold.

The Christmas cave.

- Cool, Dad!
- Mm-hmm.

Pretty.

Christmas cave?

- That's not a thing.
- Yet. Not a thing yet.

How do you think
a thing becomes a thing.

If nobody ever did a thing
that wasn't a thing

there would be no things.

So we're gonna dig a hole
in the backyard?

No. No, Nicky.

We are going to build this.

A huge outdoor ice cave.

And we're gonna put our family
Christmas display inside

with the hologram Santa
at the end.

Absolutely zero wattage
will be seen from the outside,

but when people
enter the cave...

Oh, they will get
the full effect

of our family's
Christmas spirit.

Uh, is there gonna be
trolls in the cave?

No, Noelle. No trolls.

But trolls live in caves.

Trolls live under bridges.

You guys really need
to get more involved

with her education.

I was kicked out
of dental school.

This city ordinance
is the best thing

that ever happened to us.

We start construction tomorrow.

Okay, I'm gonna have you work
on the west wing first, okay?

'Cause you're working
with hammers and nails.

I'm going to eat this soup
and then I'm going to die.

That's quite the to-do list.

When Tanner and his dad
see the Christmas cave,

his dad will get PTSD,

Tanner will relive the horror
of his mom leaving at Christmas,

and then I will murder
my family.

So I should die first
to avoid all that.

I can't argue with that logic.

Why can't I just have
a normal family?

Oh!

- Dad?
- Yes, my son.

When I grow up
will I be responsible

for Christmas, like you?

Well, if that's what you want.

And if you're lucky enough
to find a young lady

that loves Christmas
like your mother.

Well, then I should
know some stuff.

Well, all right.

Ask me anything.

Hm, you seem to spend
a lot of time on Christmas.

Oh, you bet I do.

But what about your job?

Well, that has come up.

But I tell them the season
is a priority to me.

And they respect that.

- Cool!
- Oh, sure,

Stu gets a promotion even though

I've been with the company
longer than him.

- I got it...
- And Laura leapfrogged

right over me.

- Okay.
- I'm not even sure

anyone there knows my name.

But that's not important
because Christmas comes first.

And exactly how much do we spend
on Christmas a year?

Well, uh...

I don't... I don't think
you need to know the exact...

'Cause all this Christmas stuff
seems pretty expensive.

Okay, you know what,
I don't think

I really wanna talk
about this anymore.

Are you saving money
for college?

You've got three kids.

And if you
keep asking me questions

it's going to be two kids.

I gotcha!

Yeah, look at your face!

You were like, "Ah!"

- Good one, Dad.
- Oh, I know.

Oh, hey.

Why are you putting antlers
on a bat?

Uh. Well, we're making
a Christmas cave, right?

Right.

And what animals live in a cave?

Bears.

Yes. And?

Other bears.

No. Not... not bears.

- Bats!
- Yes.

Come on, Rudy.
You're in the fifth grade.

And which animal
is most associated

with Christmas?

- Reindeer.
- Yeah!

Uh, side question.

What do you call
more than one reindeer.

Reindeer. The plural is the same
as the singular.

That's my boy. Hmm.

So, this is going to be
a reindeer bat?

Exactly.

The first one in the world.

It's gonna make our cave
even that much more Christmassy.

- Good thinking.
- Yeah.

How about throw in
a Christmas bear, too?

Okay. See,
here's the problem, Rudy.

Bears hibernate
during the winter.

Now we would look pretty stupid

if we had an awake bear
in our Christmas cave.

Right. Sorry, Dad. Of course.

No worries.

A Christmas wolf.

Okay, Rudy, we're doing
reindeer bats this year.

That's it. Okay?

- Makes total sense.
- Yes, it does.

- Dad?
- Hmm?

Is this reindeer bat
like the Christmas cave,

where it's not a thing yet

but if we do it,
it does become a thing?

Because if no one ever did
a thing that wasn't a thing,

then there'd be no things.

Yes, son.

Yes, it is.

Cool.

Do you see how quickly
they built this?

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

Now where did I put
that tensile.

Well, it's almost finished.

As is my life.

Tanner is gonna be here
in three days.

What the hell am I gonna do?

You could always
tell them your parents

are out of town
and meet them at Denny's

- for your Christmas Eve dinner.
- Oh!

That sounds depressing.

Not as depressing as this.

You want me to lie
to the boy that I love?

Yeah.

Well, I would, but he already
knows my parents are in town.

Hi, Mrs. Franklin.

Hello, Nicky.

Stephanie, you remember
our neighbor, Mrs. Franklin.

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Nicky, since thousands of people
will descend on our street

to see your Christmas cave,
which by the way is not a thing.

That's what I said.

I'll be checking in to a hotel
'till after Christmas

to preserve my sanity.

That means I need you to catsit
little Parsley here.

Please check on Parsley
twice a day.

He has feline solitude
incontinence syndrome,

so if you don't pay attention
to him he, you know...

Urinates everywhere.
Right. I know.

You always do
a good job, young lady.

How are you the offspring
of that crazy father of yours

- I'll never know.
- Hmm.

I guess insanity
skips a generation.

Let's hope.

See you in a week.

Oh, my god.

That's the cat
you were telling me about,

the one that pees on everything.

Yup. That's Parsley.

He should be called Pissy.

Well, the good news is,
he only pees when he's lonely,

which is all the time.

And then,
I have to clean it all up.

You could always sneak him
into the neighbor's house.

The Crenshaws seem pretty gross
and they might not notice.

Steph...

Do you know what I could do
with these keys?

Let yourself into
a urine soaked house?

I haven't given Tanner
my address yet.

I could give him the address
of the next door.

And we could have dinner there

instead of here
with my crazy family.

That is some seriously

evil genius stuff, Nicky.

- And I love it, but, um...
- What?

Isn't Tanner expecting
to meet your parents?

Well, maybe it's time we put all
those improv classes to use.

We hire actors
to play my parents.

We hire actors?

Oh, that's brilliant.

And we could use
our pro-improv skills

to direct them.

Yes! This is gonna be
so much fun.

And we'll never see my crazy,
stupid Christmas family.

Stephanie and Nicky
save the day.

All thanks to Pissy the cat.

You're sure
your parents don't care

if we use your house, Steph?

They might care
if they knew.

Mm!

Quite an impressive turnout.

I know right? I guess
we're the only thing casting

in Santa Clarita
for Christmas Eve.

Go figure, right?

Um, did you ever figure out

how to work the hologram thing
without being there?

Archie from computer club says
he can make a program

that puts it on auto Santa.

Great!

Steph, this is crazy, we're not
gonna have enough time.

Hey, we totally got this.

We'll plow through
the auditions,

whip the actors into shape
while you spend Christmas Eve

with your fam
in the Christmas cave.

No one will be the wiser

when Tanner and his dad
show up tonight.

Honestly, I wish

we had rash medicine commercial
to cast on the side

because this just seems
too easy.

All right.

- Let's do this.
- Good.

"Hello, Tanner.

It is so nice to finally meet
the boy that my daughter met

last summer."

- That was great.
- Yeah.

There's not going to be a script
for the actual performance

just a lot of improv.

Improv?

Yeah, so why don't you go ahead
and improv with Stephanie

right now, she'll pretend
to be Tanner's dad.

So, Mrs. Winters, I hear
your daughter plays the tuba.

Hello?

- I'm gonna go with no on her.
- Mm.

Yeah, okay.

So I know the ad said
that it's a paid gig,

but I can only afford
to pay 50 dollars.

Pay us?

Could maybe pay little bit more
if there was fight scene,

I can even fight myself.
Here just... just watch.

Just...

Oh, my...

Uh, it's a little something
I invented called

a stop monologue.

- It's copyrighted.
- Ah.

No.

So, I think I can dance.

Oh, no! He's too hip-hop.

No, um, there's no dancing
involved in this role.

And then I was
in Fiddler on the Roof.

The original production.

And I play the fiddler
before he got out of the roof.

Thank you so much for coming in.

I wore the mat
that had played the roof.

- That makes no sense.
- I know, I'm Jewish. It doesn't.

Would you like to hear
my English accent?

My father's not English.

Uh, hello, guv'nor.

What-o!

Chim, chim, cher-ee!

Can you believe,
I've never even been to England.

- Yes.
- Mm.

I also sing
the greatest music of all.

Campfire songs.

How the hell
did a Broadway actor

end up in Santa Clarita,
you may ask.

- I really don't...
- Go ahead, ask.

How did a Broadway actor end...

Timing! You think timing.

I interrupted you in the middle
of you asking me a question.

Ask me again, it's always funny.

Please, please, I need this.
All right.

Look, let me be the understudy.

Look, I... I'll be
a great understudy.

Does the part require nudity?

Because I prefer it.

Full frontal if possible.

And in conclusion,
I just want to tell you

how pleased I am
to meet Nicky's boyfriend.

And that, I too am not keen
on Christmas.

You nailed it.

Thank you, you are too kind.

Are you available
to be my dad full-time?

Just kidding. Mostly.

Anyway, you're hired.

And you're all right
that this gig is for tonight?

I know it's Christmas Eve.

Are you kidding?
Christmas is here.

Acting...

is here.

- Mm.
- Commitment to the craft.

I like that.

I humbly accept this position.

Quick question though,

will I have to be
drinking alcohol in this gig?

- No.
- Oh, good.

Wouldn't want to set off the old
alcohol monitoring bracelet.

It's fine.

I'm hired, right?

I also need a ride home.

No.

Ms. James,
it is so great to see you.

Well, it's great to see you...

Do I... do I know you,
were you in one of my classes?

Uh.

That's so funny. Isn't it funny?

She's not joking, is she?

- Mm-mm
- Okay, yes. Yes!

Yes, I'm in all of your classes.

They're my favorite.
Took them last year, too.

Yes, you showed great promise.

I wanna say...

Saaar...

Stephanie

- Stephanie.
- Stephanie.

Of course,
your name is Stephanie.

Yeah. Yeah, I swept up
after every rehearsal.

I actually, knitted that sweater
you're currently wearing,

I started that
Facebook fan club for you.

Now it's coming back to me.

I remember. You're the one

who always wanted
to do the kissing scenes

with all the handsome boys.
Uh, shame on you.

- That's our Steph.
- That's me.

I want you to know
that I've read the material,

I have absorbed the character,
I am...

very good at improv...

The imagination is limitless.

If you let it be ladies.

Great! Then let's improv.

I'll be Nicky's boyfriend's dad.
Okay, got it?

Let's all do a breath.

I have a deviated septum
so it's harder to get it in.

Don't breathe out.
Don't breathe out.

No breathe out.

Breathe out.

Let's get ready to improv!

- Okay. Yeah.
- Here we go.

Well, hello, gentlemen,
it's so nice to...

Nicky.

I can see where your boyfriend
gets all of his charms from.

Mrs. Winters, I heard
your daughter plays the tuba.

Uh, plays it? Mm, I dunno.

I think she rocks
the hizouse with it.

Nice touch.

That actually gave me
legit embarrassing mom cringe.

Well...

I think you're perfect
for the role.

- Yeah.
- You're sure you're all right

with doing this
even though it's tonight

and it's Christmas Eve?

Christmas, uh, god.
I can't stand Christmas.

Perfect!

What are the odds we find
an actress who hates Christmas

- as much as I do.
- Right?

I'm kidding! I love Christmas!

I'm just a really
talented actress.

Told ya.

Uh-huh.

Please, I need this
for my resume.

I'm a great understudy

and you won't even know
I'm around.

- Mm-mm.
- Because I'm stealthy.

See?

Did I mention I can juggle?

- Oh, my god.
- No...

Actors.

Wow.
It really is a Christmas cave.

Okay. We need
to keep these closed.

That's the guy
you're pretending to be,

he can't see you.

Uh, Bradley, this is Ms. James.

- And Ms. James this...
- We've met.

We did West Side Story together.

You played Maria to my Tony.

You're Tony? You're Tony?

So you guys
have already played a couple.

For one night.

Until he was unmercifully
replaced by the understudy.

Was there a problem?

You're not supposed to use
a real switchblade.

I was acquitted
of all charges, okay?

And replacing me
with the understudy, not cool.

Not cool.

Still have nightmares.

Okay! So, um, moving on.

Uh, Bradley, you'll be playing
Nicky's dad, Chris.

And Ms. James, you'll be playing
Nicky's mom, Fran.

Fran. Got it.

Uh, we only have about
seven hours until they arrive.

So, uh, let's rehearse.

Uh, Nicky,
you be Tanner's dad, Lance,

and I'll be Tanner.

And action!

Lance, it is so nice
to meet you.

Yes, it's so nice to meet you.

And, Tanner, what a lovely name.

- What a lovely name.
- Wait, cut. Um...

Bradley, you're just repeating
whatever Ms. James says.

I was being a husband
in tune with his wife.

Okay, uh, well...

Let's maybe dial that back
just a little bit, okay?

And action.

Lance, Tanner,

- how was your flight?
- Oh.

That's a stupid question, honey.

And dial back on the harsh,
too, please.

Actors.

I know.

The flight was swell.

Great, great. Now, what part
of Connecticut are you from?

The nice part.

No, no, I cannot laugh at that.

- Why not?
- I don't think

that my character would
find it funny.

Can you stop whining
and just be professional?

- Oh, professional?
- Uh, yeah.

You're a drama teacher, okay?

You're a babysitter
with a scenery budget.

All right. I'll have you know,
I was on Law & Order.

Oh, I know.

Because you brought the DVD
to rehearsal

and made everybody watch it.

Your part was a member
of the jury.

Your whole part consisted

of nodding during the testimony.
This is it.

- Look, I can nod.
- Guys...

I'll have you know, I nodded
to S. Epatha Merkerson.

Who have you
ever nodded to, sir?

To whom have you nodded?

I rest my case, you alcoholic.

That's supposed to be anonymous.

Everyone can see
your ankle monitor.

Hope you guys hired
an understudy for this hack.

- You take that back.
- Okay, settle down...

We only have a few hours

until my boyfriend
and his dad get...

I refuse to go on
until this lumping lummox

apologizes to me
for mocking my resume.

Listen to me!

For the first time in my life

I might be able
to have the Christmas I want.

A Christmas where I can relax
and be normal.

Normal! I need to be normal!

I need to go help my mother now.

Hope she doesn't talk
to her mom that way.

Look at the way you manipulate
those cheeseballs.

How many other girls
can do that?

Mighty few I'd say.

I'm the envy of all my friends.

Oh, you sarcastic young woman.

There's gonna be a lot
of hungry visitors

to the Christmas cave
expecting their Christmas treats

in a few hours, and those balls
will not disappoint.

You don't hear it, do you, Mom?

There's no food
like Christmas food.

Christmas food.

Christmas food.

What the Blitzen
are you going on about?

Mom, I gotta go
check on Stephanie,

because she's Jewish
and it's Christmas,

so, you know,

it's a difficult time
for her people.

Why do you have to go
this minute?

Because reasons. Jewish reasons.

Gosh, it sounds like
so much work to be Jewish.

Why are you coming in
through the window?

Rudy almost saw me
coming here, the little twerp.

But that's the least
of our problems.

Chill, woman. Your Hollywood
parents are doing great.

I am merely a vessel
for the spirit of the theater.

If by spirit, you mean vodka.

We're screwed.

Why, Captain Bummer
of the SS Bring Me Down?

Because it will be
kind of obvious

if Tanner and his dad
show up for dinner

and there's no dinner.

Uh, yeah. We forgot about that.

Just so you know, I don't cook.

But my character

doesn't either.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Can you save my life?

And go buy dinner
for six people? Done.

And remember,
nothing too Christmassy.

Double done.
No red or green foods.

Ugh. Wish I was adopted.

Well, what are we supposed
to do now?

Consider this intermission.

Anybody have a screwdriver?

What would happen
if I poured alcohol

on that thing?

I would go to jail.

And worse, you'd be wasting
peppermint schnapps

Oh, this?

Why, thank you.

You think the color
brings out my eyes?

Oh, Tanner, stop.

Hmm.

Those cranberries cool yet, hon?
We should put them in the...

Oh!

- Oh, no. Honey.
- Oh, my god.

Your pretty dress.

Oh, oh. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no.

Ugh, the one year I don't have
backup cranberries.

Seriously?

I'm sorry, go change.

You know what,
you're gonna have to go change.

You gotta work
that hologram Santa.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Go get yourself cleaned up.

No backup cranberries.

Oh!

I can't believe this.

Why the drama? You look great.

That was the dress, Steph.

Hey, no, no, no.

You look amazing.

And Tanner's gonna love you
even more than he already does.

Because I cannot live in a world
where Nicky Winters is not

with the man of her dreams.

That's kind of codependent.

I love it.

You look great.

- This is gonna be great.
- Yeah?

And we got this, you know we do.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Hm.
- You look good in yellow.

Hi, are you ready to go
inside the cave?

- Yeah.
- You're excited? Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Exactly. Excited.

George Bailey to Clarence?

George Bailey to Clarence?

Come in, Clarence.

This is Clarence.

Roger that.

How's the crowd?

Do we need additional security
or are they well behaved?

I've got them under control.

But if there's any trouble,

I'll let the hot cider
do the talking.

Roger that, Clarence.
Ho, ho, ho, hooraybell.

That's pretty good.

Well, that's your everyday
Santa dance.

I kinda jailbroke this machine
and I put it on a loop,

so it should keep on running
for the rest of the night.

All right.

You know,
my psychic just told me

that my spirit animal is a wolf.

You like wolves?

Sure.

Steph said something
about a tip?

Oh, right.

Um, here is 15 dollars.

You're sure this'll work?

I'm 15 dollars sure.

Huh. Okay.

Whoops.

Rudy finally took
a bathroom break,

so I could get over here.

Okay, so...

The Christmas trees
are good to go,

and the dancing Santa loop
should hold them 'till Easter.

Oh, shoot I forgot
about the cat.

Calm down.

Hello, Parsley.

We're gonna put you
in here, okay?

Okay, let's go.

You are the weirdest cat
in the whole wide world.

Here's your little bed.

And your food, and your toys,
and your litter box.

Remember how to use that, okay?

Okay.

You're not gonna believe this,
but Tanner texted me,

his flight landed early.
So, he's on his way here, now.

As in, not later, now.

Uh. Well, dinner is served.

Or, as my people would say,

bon appétit.

What is this?

They're latkes.

No, what is... What is all this?

Uh, where did you expect me
to find a full meal

on Christmas Eve?
It was either Jewish Deli

or China, China, China
on 14th Street.

And honey, that food
is bad, bad, bad.

Oh, crap, crap, crap. He's here!

Get up. Get up, they're here!

Already?

I didn't get
to take my power nap.

All right, listen up, cast.

You know what they say,
bad dress rehearsal, great show.

And I know that in my heart,
you guys can...

Stop! Steph.

- Enough with the pep talk.
- Sorry.

This is it.

Okay.

Are you sure we can
actually pull this off?

It's not too late to back out?

You can tell them the truth,

and take the chances
with your real family.

Because once you open that door,

there's no turning back, okay?

You will fall down
the rabbit hole of deception

and trickery,
like nothing you've ever known.

Sounds good.

- Nicky!
- Tanner!

- I missed you.
- I missed you too!

Who's this boy
manhandling my daughter?

Oh.

Hah! I'm just kidding.
I'm the dad of this family.

I'm Tanner.

- This is my, uh, dad, Lance.
- Hi. Hey.

- Uh, hello.
- Uh, nice to me you, Mr....

Uh, call me Lance.

This is my friend Stephanie.

Very nice to meet you.

Uh, what's going on next door?

Oh! it's, um...

Uh, Dad?

Dad?

- That's me!
- Hm.

Well, hello gentlemen!

So good to see you!

Let's not keep
our guests waiting.

Come on in, boys!

Okay.

That's how
a professional does it.

Guys, welcome!

Great bread!

Mm-hmm.

Yes. So...

...dry.

Oh, um.

I'll go get you some water.

Okay.

Are you Jewish?

No.

We just love matzo.

So dry. Goes down scratchy.

It's, it's kind of a Cali thing.

So, Tanner!

How do you like Santa Clarita?

It's a little warmer
than Boston, huh?

Connecticut.

- What?
- Drunk, say "what?"

What?

Remember, Dad? I...

I swear his memory is going.

Tanner and his dad live
in Connecticut.

This is George Bailey,
to Clarence.

George Bailey to Clarence.

Have you seen Nicky?

I'm about to open the cave,

and I can't do it without her.
Over.

That's a negative, George.

She disappoints yet again. Over.

You know, how come
you never pronounce

the second C in Connecticut?

"Connect-ticut."

That would sound weird, right?

Makes you think, though,
doesn't it?

Oh, no. It does not.

It's great here, Mr. Winters.

It's nice to be in the sun
during Christmas time.

Christmas time!

Christmas time is here.

Right here!

And also next door.

Next door is having
a special time.

Right, in the nick of time,

you might say.

Oh.

Oh!

I'm sorry, I have to go work
on the main course.

That matzoh can't ball itself.

Oh, right?

Excuse me...

- I'll be right back.
- Yeah.

We're having this stuff
for dinner, too?

Hm.

"Connect-ticut."

- Yeah.
- Oh!

Again!

Yeah.

I should take
all those genealogy tests.

Oh, god.

- Hey.
- Oh!

What the hell
are you doing here, Doug?

Being an understudy.

I'm ready to go on,
at a moment's notice,

and play your dad.

A great artist
never gives up.

J.K. Rowling
was rejected 12 times

before they published
Harry Potter.

Right.

Um.

Expelliarmus, weirdo.

That's not a real spell.

Excuse me.

Hey, look at you.

I'm a candy cane!

Yeah, and a real sweet one,
I'll bet.

That's cute.

Excuse me.
Can I see your access pass?

Leave her alone, Rudy.

If you like unsecure areas,
then that's on you.

Your father's just about to open
the Christmas cave.

Okay, we are just about ready
for a...

- What?
- It's just...

You're not wearing your costume.

Dad, no. No costume, okay?

I'm... I'm the dancing hologram.

That's it.

Now, let's...

open the Christmas cave!

Okay...

She didn't put on her costume.

Why is this lady
stopping Christmas?

Where's her Christmas spirit?

Why do you hate America?

Nicky, it's not really the same
if you're not in a costume.

Doe she even care
about this holiday?

Okay.

Come on, sweetie.

I'll you put it on.
You can't put it on by yourself.

- Here we go.
- Okay.

Slight delay, but not to panic!

The gate's opening
is moments away!

It take...
It takes a team.

It was mostly me.

And then the Sherpa said,

"I've never seen a white guy
with calves like yours."

Hm.

So, is that your only move?
Nodding, huh?

West Side Story was my big break

and you ruined it for me,
you booze-back loser.

Oh, honey!

You don't have to whisper
sweet nothings in my ear.

I know how much you love me!

I know it!
I know how much you love me.

So much.

Oh! Beautiful.

You are the ornament that makes
this Christmas complete.

Ow! Concrete. Hurting.

You're weird.

Oh, honey.
Let me help you up. Come here.

Oh, baby.

It takes more than that
to keep me down.

Okay guys,
Dad's gonna open the cave.

The time has come!

I now pronounce
the Christmas cave

officially open!

I know. Pretty awesome, right?

Now, you need get to your post
at the end of the tour.

Well, come on!

All right, all right.
One at a time, one at a time.

Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas!

Right after you.
Make your way.

Take your time.
Enjoy all the sights.

Good, good, good.
No pushing, now. No pushing.

We've got plenty of room
in the cave.

Come around a second lap,
if you want.

It's Christmas time
for crying out loud.

So, then I had to learn to...

to walk again.

And just as I was able to stand,

I fell in love with Chris here,
and he swept me off my feet.

But then he had to go
fight in the war.

That's so inspiring,
Mr. Winters.

- Yeah.
- Which war did you fight in?

Canada, in Canadian War.

Hmm. People don't really
talk about it much.

- Eh?
- No, they don't.

They don't.

They don't, they don't talk.

It's cool!

Okay...

So, it was
the Battle of Winnipeg, right?

And it was brutal,
because it was covered in snow

- and maple syrup...
- Whoa.

Is Nicky all right in there?
It's been a while.

Oh, no, no, no.

She was probably just...

- Oh.
- ...wrangling

- an extra-large matzoh ball.
- Okay. Heh, heh.

Too proud to ask for help.

You stay there, I'll go check.

And don't let them leave, okay?

No!

Yay!

Stephanie!

- There are no words.
- The words are help!

Stephanie!

Someone's coming!
With you in a second.

Stephanie?

Hey, do you have ice tongs?

I feel like my character
would have ice tongs.

No!

It's fine.

Stephanie! Stephanie?
Stephanie!

Come in this window.
It's bigger.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

Okay.

You guys okay in there?

Ow.

Nicky, someone's coming.

- Who? Hey, why...
- Someone's coming.

Someone's coming!

Should I even ask?

How is everything going
with Mr. and Mrs. Fake Parent?

Yeah, it's fine.
Everything's fine.

- No, no, no, no!
- It's just eggnog!

Okay.

It's just eggnog!

I can hear
your ankle monitor beeping!

It could be better.

That's it.

- I can't act with this woman.
- You can't act, period.

- Oh, I can't act? You're the...
- Oh, oh, I'm this guy...

Guys.

Guys.

That boy in there loves me.

Please, do not ruin this.

He said I'm his Kate Middleton.

He said I'm his Kate!

Okay.

Fine.

Thank you.

- Who's Kate Middleton?
- She's the princess!

Oh, my god.

Hm.

Who is ready for soup?

Ah, um.

Hm.

Watch and see how it's done.

I was just gonna ask Tanner
to tell us the story

about how you guys met at camp.

You forgot to nod.

Once I heard Nicky on that tuba,

the rest is pretty much history.

Is that a bat?

Is it wearing reindeer antlers?

- Oh!
- Hey!

Hey, guess what.

Let's play
a fun party game called,

"No one look out the window."

Oh, I'm going outside
to get a picture of that bat.

Oh, no. You don't wanna do that.

Why not?

Here's that thing, the family
that lives next door is nuts.

- Bonkers.
- Every year,

that sad family puts on
some insane Christmas display

that is totally over the top.

Oh, criminally.
Like, over the top.

And the kicker is,
the city actually passed a law

to try and stop them
from making more disturbing

and dangerous lighting displays.

- Oh, my god, they did! Yeah!
- So, they built a huge cave,

and they put the display
inside of that.

- Inside the cave!
- And what's a Christmas cave

without Christmas bats?
Am I right?

That's what you saw.

Mm-hmm. That's what you saw.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

Isn't that so, "Huh?"
It's crazy.

That seems rather extreme.

Extreme doesn't begin
to describe it.

They also make their children
dress up as ornaments.

Ornaments!

And that's just child abuse.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, if these people
are so horrible.

- No joke, trust me, they are.
- Huh, yeah.

Why don't you guys just move?

Oh.

Uh...

- We feel sorry for them.
- We feel sorry for them.

- Sorry for them.
- Right, Mom and Dad?

Mm-hmm.

We pray for them nightly.

And drink to their salvation.

Amen.

Um...

Please excuse me for a moment.

Is, is your dad okay?

Uh, he'll be fine.

Just, uh, tough for him
to talk about anything

Christmas related is all,
you know?

- I understand.
- Yeah,

it was a tough time
for both of us.

I wish he could move on
for his own sake.

All right, everyone.
Calm down, calm down.

The gates are
gonna be opening soon!

We've been waiting for hours.

Stephanie, will you help me
in the kitchen

with something
with which I need help with?

Oh, certainly, Nicky.

Let me tell you about the time
I carried a Sherpa on my back

at 30,000 feet.

- Okay.
- You're, you're nodding.

I... No, I am, I am.
'Cause I'm... I'm good at it.

I got... I got paid to do it.

Law & Order.

George Bailey
to Clarence, what's the hold up?

Something must be wrong
with the dancing Santa.

I told you
Nicky can't be trusted.

- I gotta go back!
- Okay.

- Come on!
- Come on, come on.

It really does take two people

to put this costume on.

You'd think whoever designed
this thing would have realized

anybody who bought it
would have no friends.

- Yeah. Pull down.
- Come on. Okay.

- One, two, three.
- Okay.

- Good to go. Got it.
- Good?

Go, team.

Sorry, folks.

Oh, my... No.

Not Satan. Santa!

That one scared me, and you?

Excuse us.

Sorry. One sec.

Nicky!

What is going on?

We're backed up all the way
to the elves!

Just, uh, working out
a leg cramp.

Oh.

Okay.

Hey, everyone.

Sorry about the delay.

But, I now present,

the dancing Santa!

This is the best Christmas
ever, Dad!

Oh, honey.

Ha! Oh, my god.

And we have now come
to the main event!

Ah, yeah!

I know what you're thinking.

It can't be. But it is.

I give you,
the Santa hat

from the single greatest
Christmas movie ever made!

Die Hard?

- No.
- Elf?

- No.
- Christmas with the Cranks?

What? No.

- Polar Express.
- Uh, no.

A Christmas Story.

Ooh! Wrong!

- Bad Santa.
- What? No!

- Scrooge?
- Oh, it's not even close.

Christmas Vacation?

No.

- Gremlins!
- Seriously? No!

Ernest Saves Christmas.

No!

I'm almost ready to ask you
to leave the tour.

Santa Claus Versus The Martians.

Nobody saw that!

Nobody saw that!

I saw it.

Miracle on 34th Street!

- Aha?
- Great movie!

First released in...

Oh, seriously?

Ugh. Oh. Ah! Dang kids!

Who'd put chewing gum
on my Christmas hat display.

Dad, I need to go rest.

I'm cold and I'm tired.

Oh, you deserve a rest, honey.

You did a great job.
Noelle loved it, didn't you?

I gotta go get this gum
off my display.

Actually.

Why don't you wear the hat,
in the meantime.

Hmm?

Hm.

Oh!

Will you look at that.

The two most precious things
to me, in the entire world.

That Santa hat
and my beautiful daughter.

- Daddy...
- Not now, Noelle.

Okay, where was I?

Oh, yes.
Two most precious things.

Hm.

Okay. Continuing on
with our tour now, everybody.

We're coming up to our

build-your-own-snowman
portion of the cave.

And here's something I made
in my workshop.

It's a bat with antlers.

A reindeer bat.

Don't let me fall.

Don't let me fall.
Don't let me...

I know!

You let me fall.

I hate Christmas

- so much.
- Is this the hat...

That hat
from the stupid, old movie

my dad spent
my college education money on?

Yeah, it is.

Well, you got back
just in time.

Because I think
Tanner and his dad are starting

to get suspicious.

I know.

It's a miracle
they haven't figured it out yet.

If I ever hire actors
to play my parents,

it will not be those two.

But, if I had a boyfriend
as awesome as yours,

I too would hire a fake family

to have Christmas dinner
with them.

Sure, you can see the kitchen.

- Oh!
- Go ahead, go, go, go.

Okay.

- Go, go.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Everything all right in here?

- Yeah, I was starting to worry.
- Yeah.

Yeah, everything's fine.
We were just...

Just doing the dishes.

Doing the dishes.

Doing the dishes.

Okay, all done.

Come on, shall we?

Come on, let's go.

Latke.

That was close.

Clarence to George Bailey.

Clarence to George Bailey.

It's not such
a wonderful life, after all.

Oh, boy.

And that's how
you make a chicken napkin.

Chicken napkin!

Stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Oh! I just realized.
I haven't done my impression

of Abraham Lincoln.

No one knows

what he sounds like, honey.

And is therefore,
immune to criticism.

"Four score
and seven years ago."

Um, sorry.
Lincoln's from the south.

Immune to criticism!

Well, as they say in Cali,
it's time for Latkes!

Nicky?

What's going on?

Mrs. Franklin?
What are you doing back?

Bed bugs at the hotel.

Who are these people?
Why are they in my house?

Your house?

She's in here.

See, Dad. This is ugly.

The only upside
of this situation is that

I'm going to be getting
the bigger room.

Since, Nicky's going away
for a long, long time.

- Go home, Rudy.
- But...

I wanna...

What's going on?

Yeah, Nicky.
What exactly is going on?

You guys live here?

No! Just me.

Nicky's dad lives next door.

Nicky's dad?

Yes?

Then who are you?

I'm Chris, I'm Nicky's dad.

I'm Chris.

I'm Nicky's dad.

No!

I'm Nicky's dad!

Damn, understudy.

Understudy?
No, no, no. Not again!

Aw, I thought you'd be
used to it by now.

No, this can't be happening.
I will not be replaced!

I've been listening
through the vents.

And I believe your acting,
is missing the mark.

Oh, yeah?

Missing the mark, huh!

Yeah.

Understudies!

Stop! Stop, right now!

Cut!

Please note.

That I did all my own stunts.

You're all done here.

And scene!

- Please.
- I feel good. You know.

Normally,
I am my harshest critic.

But I feel like tonight
was some of my best work.

And now, if you'll allow me
to give you a few pointers

on your "performance."

- Okay...
- I would start with the...

- You're gonna be singing
- No!

- in Rikers!
- No!

- No!
- Yes!

- No!
- Yes!

Can we talk
about this over a drink?

Where is my Parsley?

Oh, he's in here.

I...

Nicky, what's going on?

Please, I...

Tanner, I swear I can explain.

Yes.
We'd all like to hear that.

Is it true?

Huh, what Rudy says?

That you're so ashamed of us,
you hired actors

so that your boyfriend
and his father

wouldn't have to meet
your real family?

Christmas has caused
Tanner and his Dad

nothing but heartache.
And I couldn't let them suffer

through your insane version

- of this holiday!
- Oh, Nicky.

You are in big trouble.

All this fighting.

I hate Christmas.

Oh. Hate?

Oh! Oh, is this the boy
who turned you against me?

I didn't ask her to do anything.

Oh, right,
she just magically transformed

into a liar who happens to hate
Christmas, just like you.

That's enough!

We don't have to stand here
and listen to this.

We're leaving. Vamos.

Dad.

Now.

Why does Christmas

always have to ruin
everything good.

Tanner, Tanner!

No, no, no, sweetheart.
Just let him go.

I really, really like him.

They're not even
Christmas people!

You're right.

They're normal.

I've never had
a normal Christmas!

Do you have any idea
how good it felt

to sit down with my fake dad
and my fake family

on Christmas Eve?

A feeling of peace came over me,

like, I have never known
in my entire life.

Okay. You don't even know
what you're saying right now.

That cat really
should have been called Pissy.

It's my magic hat!

Ugh.

Ruined.

Tanner!

Tanner, wait.

Tanner, wait!

Wait, please.

Die, you stupid Christmas tree!

Nicky's gone crazy!

This is the best Christmas ever.

Mom, can I have her room

once you put her
in the insane hospital?

Oh.

Mommy, why is Nicky
killing Christmas?

Honey, it's just something
teenage girls do.

Nicky, you stop this behavior,
right now!

No, Dad. I need to do this.

'Cause Christmas ruins
everything.

I hate this stupid decoration.

And stupid Santa Claus.

And all the stupid songs.

And the stupid trees
every damned year!

Why do you do this
to us, Dad?

Why do you shove Christmas down
everyone's throats?

Why can't you be a normal dad?

If you were a normal dad,

I never would have had
to lie to Tanner,

and gone through all this.

And Tanner never
would have found out about it

and gotten mad at me.
But, because of you,

Tanner will never talk me again.

Why are you such
a Christmas freak?

Because that's
what you are, Dad.

A freak.

Oh, my god.

Oh. Ah.

Honey?

Why don't you come downstairs
and open presents?

Seriously?

Despite what's going on
between you and your dad,

we're a family.

And it's Christmas Eve,

and that's when
we open presents.

Okay?

All right. Come on.

Why is everyone so sad?

Oh, no.

Oh. Mom? Mom, what's wrong?

My chest.

- Fran Sienna Winters?
- Yes, yes.

I have the good news
to tell you,

she did not have a heart attack.

Oh!

What was it then?

Well, according
to the test we made,

your mother
is as healthy as a...

You know, you're not a horse,
you're not a donkey, it's...

- You're a mule?
- Yes.

Your mother is mule.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

So mom's gonna be okay?
That's wonderful.

So, what exactly
did happen to her?

We see this sometimes
during the holidays,

cause is stress.

Is there something stressful
happening in the family now?

Something that would upset her?

Any what, she said she wants
to speak to someone named Nicky.

Grandma?

Are you alone?

- Yup.
- Oh.

Good.

I didn't know how much longer
I could fake it.

Grandma, you were pretending?

I can't breathe.

Oh, help me.

Help me.

I should've been
an actress, huh?

Hmm.

Screw you, Faye Dunaway.

Who's Faye Dunaway?

Exactly.

Why would you pretend
to have a heart attack?

The tension between you
and your dad

was sticker than molasses
on neck hair.

We were all worried about you.

Oh, let me have some fun.

Plus,

I wanted to give you some time

to make things right
between you and your dad.

Fine,
I'll just apologize to him.

Will you mean it?

No.

Ow!

- Ow!
- You...

- idiot.
- You're strong for an old woman.

He's gonna know if you fake it.

Clark Gable knew
when I made love to him.

And let me tell you,
he did give a damn.

Grandma, please.

Oh, sweetie.

If you don't make things right
between you and your dad,

things will never be
the same again.

She's okay?
She's talking?

You know Grandma,
she says what she says.

She's feeling good though.

You can all go in now.

Okay. Come on kids,
let's go see Grandma.

Wait. Nicky, honey,

just, um, sit down for a second,
I wanna show you something.

Okay.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, not a pretty picture,
is it?

What happened to his face,
the poor kid.

That's your father.

When he was
five years old.

Some neighborhood bullies
threw him in a patch

of poison ivy
and rubbed his face in it.

As you can see
it swelled up pretty bad.

That's awful.

It was a few weeks
before Christmas

and even though
he looked like that

he still really wanted
to see Santa.

When your grandparents
took him to the mall

all the kids in line
were pointing at his face

and making fun of him,

and he started crying.

And then as they turned to go,

that mall Santa picked him up,
sat him down on his lap,

and your dad...

stopped crying,

and told that wonderful Santa

everything he wanted
for Christmas.

See, that Santa

took a kid who believed
in Christmas

and made him feel like
a little boy again,

instead of a freak.

Mom, I...

I had no idea.

He just wants you guys to feel

loved and magical,

like he did that day
when he was five.

So now you know.

They just wanna observe her,
she's gonna be fine.

Come on, Noelle,
I don't wanna sing by myself.

- Hello, boys and girls!
- Ooh!

Oh, and Grandma.

I'm a Jelf, a Jewish elf.

And I brought Christmas with me.

Christmas!

Wait, what's missing?

I know!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Santa!

And har-dee-dar-har.

What's this?
I see kids with no presents.

Ho, ho, this cannot be.

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

And one more thing.

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

You did it.

Everyone's so happy.

You saved Christmas.

Thanks for doing all this.

I'm here for you, girl.

Right by your side.
Sticking to you like glue.

Wow!

Cute elf.

Um...

My little brother's getting
his tonsils out.

You wanna hang with me
in the waiting room?

Laters.

Now that's a Christmas miracle
I can get behind.

There's a party
in Room 220.

Merry Christmas,
everybody!

Nicky!

Did you arrange that?

Thank you.

I wanted everyone
to have a great Christmas.

Yeah.

Uh, the... the carolers
were a nice touch.

Nicky...

Okay, look, honey.

A father often forgets

that his little girl
will eventually grow up,

and become their own person.

I mean, look at you.
You... you have.

And... and I'm sorry,

I didn't recognize that before
but I... I do now.

And I would love it
if you would join us.

On one condition.

It's something
you actually want to do.

Oh.

Sorry I hired an actor
to pretend to be you.

I'm sorry I yelled
at your boyfriend.

I'm sorry I called you a freak.

Well, I kinda am.

But I get it.

And I'm sorry
I smothered you with Christmas.

Thanks, Dad. I...
I appreciate you saying that.

Mm-hmm. But, someday

when you have kids of your own,

- you will...
- Never,

do anything like that to them.

Ever.

Okay.

But they're sure gonna love
going over

to Grandpa's house
for Christmas.

- Hey, come on.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, everyone.

- Oh.
- It's Christmas.

Which means it's hat time!

- Ooh!
- Huh?

It looks like new.

Be careful with that, Dad.
It's my inheritance, you know,

if something tragic happens
to Nicky.

Ahem. Who wants to go first?

- Me!
- Oh, come on up here, princess.

There we go.

And...

I'm grateful that
my grandma's okay.

And now the hospital
can see my grandma,

and I love her,
and she's the only one

who knows that I'll sing

the "Jingle Bells Poo-poo"
song right.

Thank you.

Yes.

All right.

Um, I am grateful
that Mom is okay.

And that Patty from next door
is not going to sue us

for Nicky borrowing her house.

Here, here.

Nicky?

Oh, Um...

Me first.

- Hon.
- Okay.

Um...

I'm grateful

that I have a family
who understands

my passion for Christmas.

Christmas can do magic,
if you believe.

I believe, Daddy.

Aw.

Sweetie? Yes.

Ah.

- Huh?
- Why are you giving me that?

We just wanted you to play

a little Christmas music
for us, sweetie.

Mom, I can't even look
at that thing right now.

You're so good at it.

Playing the tuba
reminds me of Tanner,

and how I messed up
and lost him forever.

Hmm.

Nicky, actually
why don't you go next?

Okay.

There you go.

And, uh, remember...

It can do magic.

Right.

What?

Tanner!

That hat's magic.

So which one
of my 400 texts convinced you?

Actually, a very nice man
came over this morning,

told me about
all the crazy things he's done

to his family at Christmas
over the years.

Once he got to that part
about you being attacked

- by a reindeer...
- Mm-hmm.

...started to understand
why you did what you did.

Thanks, Dad.

- I wanna thank you.
- Oh!

I needed to see
Christmas like this.

Ah!

It's what I do.

Is someone in the cave?

Sup?

Maybe Christmas
isn't so bad after all.

- Give me a hand?
- Sure.

Steph?

Dad?

Okay.

- Okay.
- On three.

One, two, three.

- Come on, Dad.
- That's better.