Original subtitles

You look nervous.

No, I'm not. I'm just...

I don't know.

It feels big.

You'll be fine.

You're always fine.

The only positive about having a hyperactive brain

is it's never as bad as you expect it to be.

Great.

Good pep talk, Mum.

Here.

Got you something.

Finally.

A way out.

Shut up!

It was your father’s sgian dubh. You wear it in your sock.

Yeah, I know.

Can it go via the left ventricle?

You're making a lot of death jokes for a man getting hitched in a few hours.

No, I'm fine.

I want to do this. It's just...

I don't know.

I want it to work out.

I mean...

your marriage worked out in the end, did it not?

He got ill so quickly, I could never really tell.

He always made a lot of effort too, which put me off.

Your dad was a lot more fun when he was spurning our dates

and never calling me back.

That's why I got on so well with Maura.

We never signed a contract saying we expected more from one another.

Are you missing her?

I miss them both.

Yeah.

What about Ruben?

Any feelings there?

Yeah, I suppose. Maybe a...

small part of me, you know...

misses him.

Well, that's something.

-What do you mean, "that's something"? -No, I just...

Look.

I don't know how to tell you this...

but he's on his way.

You're joking?

No. He found out this morning. I don't know how.

But he'll be here any minute.

Niall. Come and say hi.

Eighteen years.

I know it's only 20 minutes down the road, but still.

What am I gonna do with all my excess cortisol?

Here. I got you something. A little moving-in present.

I was going to get "Number One Student,"

but it was 20 pence a letter, and to be honest,

you haven't proved yourself yet.

Wow, big font.

Almost reads like an insult.

I love it. Thank you.

-How you feeling? -Yeah.

Pretty overwhelmed.

Just hope I find my people, you know.

You will. This place is full of nerds and virgins.

Embrace it, Niall. This is a fresh start.

A chance to figure out who you are a bit.

Away from Ruben.

Oh, Mum, I don't know why you keep bringing that up all the time.

-We're just close. -You're too close. Honestly.

You should see the pair of you when you're together.

You strut around town like you'll never pay taxes.

-What's wrong with that? -It doesn't suit you, Niall.

You're not a strutter. You don't have the legs for it.

-He is gonna want to visit, Mum. -I know, but just...

bed in a little bit before inviting him, yeah?

I just think it would be good for you to see what life is like

without his light blinding your eyes.

Shall we?

Go make friends now.

I don't want to come back here in four years' time

to find you conversing with a pot plant.

I will.

And don't call Ruben!

Jesus, Mum, I won't. I'll be fine without him.

I promise.

Just a minute!

Hi. What's your name?

-I'm Niall. -I'm Joanna.

Why are you sitting in the dark?

Oh, no, I wasn't.

Well, I was, but I was having a power nap, you know,

ahead of a big Freshers.

You nap in your shoes?

Yeah.

It's a time-saving thing,

so I can wake up and hit the bar straight away, you know?

Right.

Anyway, wanna join?

We're doing pre-drinks, then we're going to the union.

Non-stop New Wave all night.

Yeah. Yeah, I love New Wave.

Amazing. Who's your favorite?

Jonny and the... New... Waves.

Right.

Well, see you in a bit.

There he is! This is Neil, the final flatmate.

Actually, my name's--

This is Celeste, a French exchange student.

Porridge man! Come save me!

Do you want a drink? You've got one choice, and that's vodka.

I'll have a vodka with a tiny splash of vodka then.

Just a vodka, please.

Vodka and porridge? Now, there's a combination.

Sorry, what's this porridge thing?

-Celeste wants a Scottish man. -One like the cereal box.

You know, the man with the kilt throwing the boulder.

I told her Scotland's nothing like that.

If anything, it should be a fat bloke with diabetes throwing a sausage roll.

Right, enough of this mindless chit-chat.

Let's get out of this rat den and go clubbing.

Hello.

Hello.

-I'm Alby. You must be Neil. -I'm...

-Nice to meet you. -Oh, no, I don't do handshakes.

I feel like it's a social construct designed to keep us apart.

But it's a pleasure, seriously.

Have you met the others?

Experienced, more like.

Yeah. Did they ply you with cheap vodka?

Certainly did. Do you fancy helping?

No, I don't drink. I never have, really.

Wow. Tha... That's crazy.

Yeah, just the old bog-standard heroin for me.

Are we ready to go? I want to meet a porridge man by midnight.

She means you, Neil. You can be her porridge man.

Ignore her. She's proletariat.

-See you later. -Have fun.

Celeste is hot for you. She wants to sow your oats, porridge man.

I really hope this porridge man thing doesn't catch on.

Are you going to bang? She's fit. Like, really fit.

-Well, I'll let her learn my name first. -What, Neil?

-Oh, no. Actually, my name-- -Do you think Alby's gay?

-What? What makes you say that? -I don't know, just a suspicion.

There was this guy at my school who was gay,

and he didn't really know how to join in either.

It seems to be a... a sign, you know?

-Come on, have some shots. -We've unlocked the beast.

I box, you know, and I smoke hash. I have some on me now, in fact.

What happened to the guy in the flat? Like, what have you done with him?

Cheers.

Right. Let's go.

Nicely rolled.

You're a dark horse, aren't you?

You guys are so gonna get it on.

It's like having subtext around.

Fine, I'll leave.

No, don't!

I had better go after her.

Blowback?

See you later, porridge man.

-Didn't think you'd make it. -Well, what can I say?

I heard the city calling my name.

That'll be the heroin.

May I?

So, what brings you to Glasgow?

Loads of things.

The city... music, the nightlife, the women.

What is it you study again?

-English Literature. -Cool.

I was going to guess Theater Studies, so not too far off.

Theater Studies? Hell no.

That's miles off. What makes you say that?

I don't know. You...

you strike me as a performer in some way.

-What, like an actor? -No, a performer.

Like...

Like you're performing somehow.

Hey, it's nothing to worry about.

I mean, after all...

I'm a performer too.

Something I said?

No, it's just...

Okay, let's go, buddy.

All right?

-I don't like it. -What?

Four years doing fuck all and getting paid for it?

Come on, now. Don't be a pube.

What are the birds like? Any got the hots for you?

Actually, yeah. I think so.

I can't tell if she's coming on to me or if she's just French.

A French bird? Ooh, la, la! Two days in, he's already fine dining.

Come on. What's bothering you, shagger?

I... I just...

I just don't feel like myself here.

Everyone keeps calling me Neil, and there's this...

Alby guy who's-- He's spinning me out a bit.

You only need to ask.

Oh, no, I... I... I couldn't.

Just say the words.

I need you.

Chuck the keys, shagger! Be up in a bit.

Gonna have a fag and see if I can split a fresher.

I had to run them through twice.

You scared the shit out of me.

Yeah, well, I'm not cleaning it up this time.

Look, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't--

You were a disgrace last night.

What do you mean?

Leaving early with no explanation.

Right.

Why are you in your underpants?

No reason.

Just, you know, catching the air on my thighs.

I'll put them back on.

Well, this has been a fascinating insight into human behavior,

but I've got some reading to do.

Thank you.

There he is! Houdini.

-I'm sorry? -You, last night, and your vanishing act.

Very disappointing.

Oh, my God.

You should see how fit this guy is outside.

He looks like trouble.

Oh, my God. He just came into the halls.

Hey! Maybe he'll move in upstairs

and you can have a really dysfunctional romance.

I'd love that, you know.

Oh, no.

There he is! Bring it in, son!

-Get off of me! Ruben! -You big student, bastard you!

Hey? Hey? You tax-dodging fuck!

Stop!

This is Ruben, my... my brother.

And you're the flatmates?

You must be the gorgeous French one.

No, that's Celeste. I'm Joanna.

Sorry, I just assumed you were the gorgeous one.

Right, you.

I'll see you outside.

Joanna.

His name's Niall, by the way.

That was epic.

Mate, you're a lucky son of a bitch living with those two.

I'll take the ugly bird off your hands then, shall I?

She's not ugly, is she?

Hey, I'm not complaining. Ugly birds are the better lay anyway.

-You're a sick fuck, Ruben. -You love it.

What the hell?

Do it back. Trust me. It'll work. I've got a game plan.

What? No! That fucking hurt!

Does little soft-cock Niall Kennedy not have it in him to hit a man?

Would soft-cock Niall Kennedy rather go off

and read some gay little books instead?

S... Sorry, I...

You fucking beauty.

Stop it. Stop.

Keep still.

There are certain parts of my body I don't have control over, Joanna.

You're very different, you two.

Stop.

It's like one needs a head and the other needs a body.

I think you have doubts, Niall.

About you? No way.

I spoke to Alby about this. We have our theories.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

That's why the disconnect.

Shall we play spin the bottle?

Basically, wherever the bottle lands, you need to kiss that person.

You know there's a good chance it lands on family?

-Family have a veto. -Very convenient.

I'll go first.

Ready?

Come on, frog. I want a French one.

I'm not scared of you.

Prove it.

Okay, guys, that's great.

Other people are yet to...

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, guys.

Come on, guys, it's a kiss, not a tongue transplant.

Niall, you take this one.

Sorry.

Don't mind me.

Who's next?

Fuck it. I'll go.

You're up.

S... Sorry, I don't think we've been acquainted. I'm Alby.

I know exactly who you are.

Ruben. Niall's brother.

I don't do handshakes.

And I don't do with people turning them down.

What are you waiting for?

I... I wasn't playing.

Spin the bottle. Ancient law.

You enter the room, you're playing.

Okay, well, can't argue with ancient law.

-Yes, Alby! -This is exciting.

Oh, yeah!

Amazing.

What are you waiting for?

You not man enough to kiss a bloke or something?

Yeah, kiss him.

Have your IDs ready, please.

-What's that? -Electricity, mate. Have a sniff?

-No, no, I'm... I'm good, actually. -All the more for me, then.

Boys?

Celeste.

-Bump of life, mate? -Sure. Why not?

-Do you even know what that is? -Don't care.

Need to tolerate your brother somehow.

-Where's Joanna? -Urinating in the bushes.

Sorry, guys. Bet you think I'm minging now.

Right, let's talk game plan. Is the fat prick checking student IDs?

Yeah, looks like it. You'll charm them though, don't worry.

Nah, bouncers are the only ones who manage to see through my bullshit.

What bullshit?

Exactly. I'll have to find another way in.

-But wait, what if you don't? -Don't worry.

I have a knack for worming my way into tight spaces.

Hey.

Hey.

Can't get enough of that Irn-Bru?

No, I'm here for all the pussy.

I'm sorry about my brother. I mean, his heart's in the right place.

I've always hated that phrase.

It's excuse-making for shitty behavior.

And why did you bring him?

I wanted to see him. We... We're practically the same person.

You're not remotely.

You're the same person in the same way Jekyll and Hyde are the same person.

Yes, I love this song.

I don't. Geldof's a wanker.

His heart's in the right place.

-Did you see Live Aid? -Holy shit. Freddie Mercury?

-Yeah, incredible, wasn't it? -Yeah.

Would be nice, wouldn't it? To be able to dance like that.

What, you're telling me that Niall Kennedy can't "Radio Ga Ga"?

Here, watch this.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, it's-- -No, no, no, I love it!

It was as though Freddie had died and come back with longer limbs.

What the hell is he doing?

-Hey, are you okay? -Look at this place.

How did we get from hunter-gatherers to student unions?

It's an evolutionary mishap.

Excuse me, mate. You just nudged me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think you should slow down a bit.

-Look, promise me you won't start shit. -I won't. It's a bumpy come-up is all.

I'll be chock-full of love in a second, don't you worry.

There they are. The slappers.

-Come here, you. -No!

Put me down!

-It's going to end horribly. -Yeah. You have no idea.

Here.

I'll be your guide.

Ease you in a bit.

Less tongue.

-What? -Next time, less tongue.

Right.

What happened to easing in?

I think I'm feeling it.

Here.

-You're still flaccid. -I-- Well, I'm not gonna get one here.

That's fine.

We leave.

-Yo! We're leaving. -Fuck yeah, you are!

-Don't raise hell, okay? -It's already raised, son.

Ruben has blackness in him.

I think you need some water.

My coat. Wait here.

Alby. Alby, wait up.

Where's Celeste?

Narnia, by now, I reckon.

Did you have a good night?

It started well.

I suppose it's ending well too.

Who remembers the middle, right?

Exactly. So, many films were forgiven for starting and ending well.

-The Great Escape? -How dare you.

-E.T. -Get out.

It's perfect.

What a shitty start to uni.

One of my flatmates thinks I'm a virgin, the other thinks I'm a social freak.

-So, you're not a virgin? -No, no. I... I...

I had sex with my brother's girlfriend once.

Well, we had sex with her together.

Wow, that's dark.

Sorry, I'm just trying to get my head around how that works.

Well, he brought her home one night and pretty much placed her on me.

-Right, how old were you? -I was 15, he was 17.

-What? -No...

Just all makes sense now.

Why he feels part of you.

Do you fancy a film or something?

You know, we could watch the start of The Great Escape and the end of E.T.?

Try and make sense of them together?

The prisoners of war who escaped to the moon on a bicycle?

Yeah. Sounds perfect.

-Let's run, 'cause it's freezing. -Okay.

Look...

I'm not quite ready for that.

That's okay. There's... There's no pressure.

I know. I... I want to.

I just...

-I just... -Hey.

-Hey, hey, what's going on? -I...

I just-- I don't know where these feelings have come from.

I mean, my mum's gay, for Christ's sake, it should be easy.

Wait, your mum's gay?

-Yeah. -I'm genuinely impressed.

I mean, gay mums, Niall, that's pretty radical.

Oh, please. They watch Emmerdale.

-You told them? -No way.

The fucking town would have a field day.

They would think there was something in our water.

Well, we can go at your pace.

Even if that means going backwards.

How would that work?

Oh, my, you have a lot to learn.

We can do whatever you want.

We can chat.

We can watch films.

-We can... -Hug.

Maybe?

Well, that's easy.

You're a shit hugger.

It's okay, he's preoccupied.

I... I'm sorry. I...

I'm... I'm sorry.

You love it!

-You stink! No, no, don't. -You love it.

There you are!

No! Get away! No, you stink, porridge man.

I'm coming back for more, Frenchy. Just you wait.

So, what happened?

They just started kissing in front of me. So, I gave Ruben an ultimatum.

I said, "If you carry on kissing her, I'm going home."

And what did he say to that?

He said, "Win-win."

-Then spat in my face. -Jesus!

I'm so sorry.

Are you going to be able to get through this induction?

I'll be fine.

I've been through worse than him. That's for sure.

We do have a fairly extensive reading list this year

and I suggest you take a look at all the texts on it.

I know for some of you, English isn't your primary subject,

but I still think it'd be good to acquaint yourself with the wider...

the wider syllabus.

It's Joanna, isn't it?

Would you like to take a moment?

Now, for the rest of us,

if you can take a look at the handout in front of you.

Fucking leek!

Shit!

Fucking leek!

My man.

What's going on here?

Acid.

Some of the strongest shit I've taken.

Your eyes are holes right now.

Big...

dark, shitty holes.

Is Celeste okay?

She's just working through some shit. That's the beauty of this drug.

She's actually never been more awake in her life.

Come here. Dance with me.

Here.

Get on my feet.

You need to be at my level for what I'm about to tell you.

What are we doing here?

My dad.

You know what he's gone and done?

Had another child with this random bird.

She's fighting him for custody.

Right. Okay.

We can't let him win, shagger.

We can't let him win.

If you lot don't get the fuck out, I am calling the police.

How'd you get rid of him?

Wasn't too hard.

He is pretty Pavlovian when it comes to police call-outs.

Hey. Hey, hey! What's wrong?

Just...

Uni was supposed to be a fresh start, a chance to... to--

And I... I just made all the same mistakes.

It's okay. He's not going to be here forever.

-I'm sorry, I shouldn't be crying. -Hey, hey. Don't worry.

This is what I meant about performing.

I could see it in your eyes, almost.

The real you was in there

just trying to get out.

I mean, that's the thing with eyes, they always tell the truth.

Well, what are they saying now, then?

That you're exhausted.

That you're done fighting.

Yeah.

You could say that again.

Well, then stop fighting.

You know, I know this isn't, like... like, sexy,

but this is my first time with a man, so sexy can wait.

Yeah, that's fine by me.

Wait a sec.

Where the fuck is everyone?

-Just... Just try to focus. -Is he-- Let me just check.

Wait. Wait. What are you doing?

Oh, no, it's just...

it's just suddenly occurred to me that I am doing it again.

What... what do you mean?

I just told myself the last time I got with a straight boy,

-I wouldn't do it again. -No, no. I... I'm sorry, pl-- please, I--

It's just-- It's Ruben. He'll... He'll kill me if he finds out.

Your mothers are together. Why would he care?

It's... It's different with men, isn't it? It's more...

shameful.

Wow, okay.

By society's standards, I mean.

Wait. Alby, please. Let's... Let's reset.

You know, Niall, the first boy I ever got with

was so worried about being found out that...

he came in my hand and then he ran out of the room

to tell everyone I hit on him.

I shared a dorm with eight other guys and they beat me up every night.

And so, one day, I stood up and I said, "So what? I'm gay."

"The next person to touch me wants it."

And I stood there with my arms crossed

and I waited.

And nothing happened.

You know why?

Because my strength was far greater than their fear.

You know, a few weeks later, I...

I went up to that boy and I thanked him.

I said...

I said if he didn't tell anyone, I never would have.

Why are you telling me this?

Because if he didn't tell anyone...

I never would have.

Did your dad have another kid?

Who told you that?

-You did, yesterday. -No, I never.

-I... I should remember, Ruben-- -I never said anything.

Joanna's really upset.

Why?

'Cause I fucked a much fitter bird?

-You spat in her face, Ruben. -So what?

I'm not fucking justifying myself to you.

You saw the way she threw herself over me all night.

It was embarrassing.

If you give your body away so easily like that,

don't be upset if it comes back with spit on.

What's this about?

An intervention, is it?

Niall Kennedy wanting one of his wee chats.

-Have I gone too far? -No.

No, I... I...

I just think...

maybe it's time to, you... you know...

I think Maura might want you back is all.

Maura?

What the fuck are you talking about Maura for?

You've never given a shit about her.

Well, what about work?

Fuck work.

I'm staying here.

Why should you get all this for free and I get nothing?

We share everything.

I mean, you're wearing my jumper right now.

It's different.

You don't get to whisk off on a fancy grant

and leave me in a shithole. Fuck that!

You should have brought me with you from the start.

-We can't share a room forever, Ruben. -It's not about the room.

It's about the fucking principle!

Don't you bring up my father again, okay?

I will rip that jumper off your back, right here, right now. You understand?

You got anything else to say?

Stay. Stay as long as you want.

Niall?

How did it go?

Did you do it?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Niall.

Well, how do you feel?

I feel... Yeah, yeah, stunned.

Look, should... should we go to your room?

Ruben's coming back and I don't want him to know

we're... we're talking.

What, so he didn't take it well?

He needs time.

It wasn't so much the reveal, I mean, like you said, our mums.

It was more that I kept it so long.

Brotherly shit, you know.

Ruben?

Don't, don't, don't. Please.

Can I have a word for a moment?

I know what you're gonna say. We've had the chat.

As far as I'm concerned, bygones be bygones.

Wow.

That is very commendable.

Is that sarcastic?

No. No, it's just-- Niall was worried about how you'd react.

Well, I was pissed off at first, but...

however you guys want to live,

I won't get in the way of that as long as I'm staying here.

Wow. I'm so impressed.

Really, I am.

Look, why don't you go lie down?

Wait, I... I... I had you all wrong.

The... The way you look out for each other.

I... I get it now. I really get it.

-Great. -Wait, Ruben, I...

I don't think you quite realize what you've done here.

How huge this is.

Calm down, mate. It's a broken kitchen. I won't do it again.

Right, I see.

What is your fucking deal, man?

-In what sense? -Sniffing your fucking face at me.

Well, it wasn't at you, actually. It was at your brother.

-You think that's fucking better, do you? -Ruben. All right. Come on, let's go.

No, no, no. No. You're really pressing me, son.

-Let's just leave this, okay? -Not until this cunt explains himself.

Do you want to tell him or shall I?

-What the fuck is going on? -Okay, fine, I'll tell him.

-No. Alby, Alby, Alby, please... -Your brother--

Get the fuck off me!

Ruben. Ruben. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Get off him!

Ruben. Please, please. Stop, stop, stop.

We are gathered here today

to witness the marriage of Niall Brandon Kennedy

and Albert Franklin Safadi.

-What's Ruben doing here? -I don't know. I'm so sorry.

Jesus Christ, this is fucked up.

-What do we even do? -I don't know.

I mean...

I could maybe ask him to leave or something.

No, don't do that. It'll just make things worse.

Let's just get through this, then.

-It'll be fine. -Okay.

Do you, Albert Franklin Safadi, take Niall Brandon Kennedy

as your lawfully wedded partner?

I do.

Do you, Niall Brandon Kennedy,

take Albert Franklin Safadi as your lawfully wedded partner?

I do.