Original subtitles

How's it going?

Imperial Valley, let's go!

Let's get those rigs tied.

Vapes sealed, lips greased.

I want all you beautiful bastards lubed up

and ready to float for 1400.

Attention, everybody.

The Dew-bar is here for all your float needs.

Liquors.

SPF 25 to 50.

Pepto.

Beef jerky.

Imodium if things go south.

Gravol if things go north.

You name it, Dewster's got it.

Cheers!

The prodigal son of Conch is here!

The man, the myth, the Medhi!

The Med man.

Medhi, what can I get ya?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Today I'm the DF, the designated floater.

You know, boys, this'll be the first float down

I've done sober, not shit-faced.

I might even remember this one!

It's your lucky day.

I have a fresh batch of my home brewed non-alcoholic beer.

Oh, that's nice, Leonard. - Ugh.

Listen up!

I am not your mom.

I'm off the clock.

So if you find your drunk ass

face down in a lily pad somewhere

that's between you and God.

Safety third, fuckers! - Hell yeah!

Toddler, you're looking too sober.

You're getting a little head start.

Mmmhmm.

Where the fuck is Backwoods?

Where the fuck is Backwoods?

Oh shit! - Oh fuck!

That's Taser's kid.

Are you guys touching junk down there?

Hi Sherry-Ann. - Hi.

No. We're just, um, we're looking for coins in the grass.

Pretty sure that's not where coins go.

Meat's on the move. Heads up.

Meat is on the move.

Yes sir.

And the buns.

Oh-ho-ho!

Don't be a dirt bag! - Did you wash your hands?

Use the tongs!

They fell into the water, my dude!

Those things are crawling in dog shit.

Chips coming in. Flying in. Flying in.

God, I love getting banged up on the water.

Let's go!

Oh no, no, no, no!

Dewey! Get off of me!

Tase, my boy,

it's a fucking masterpiece.

Hands down the first and the best four-man microbrew float

to ever float this river!

What's a "Frig-It", man?

It's a beer boat, bud.

It's a bit weird that Backwoods didn't even text me back.

Yeah, that is really weird.

Maybe he's... dead?

Jesus. That's where your mind goes first?

Maybe he slept in.

I don't know.

Maybe it's a car crash or like a boating accident or,

I don't know, like a crossbow misfire.

I don't know, Todd. I'm brainstorming.

I'm quite drunk.

You stay hydrated, amigo.

You too. - Crossbow?

I saw them making out near the canoes when I walked up.

Don't shit in your own nest.

Constantly lying for them is giving me fucking hives.

Party time! - Let's go.

What the fuck's that, Leonard?

There's an art to brewing non-alcoholic beer

that most laymen can't master.

Lucky layman.

Knowing the precise moment to stop the fermentation process

just short of-

Flavour?

It's like skanky kombucha

With a hint of ass.

Leonard, let's go.

All right. All right. All right.

Plug your nose.

Disgusting.

Don't got all afternoon

This thing's heavy, though. Are you gonna help me?

No, you got it. You got it.

Maybe it's time you quit spying, kid.

Go build some sandcastles or something,

steal some popsicles or whatever.

I'll tell my dad and everyone you were dry humping.

What?!

I'll scream it right now.

Piece of shit!

Unless you give me some candy.

Oh my god. This fucking kid.

Tell me about it. What?

Are we getting blackmailed by a child now?

Yeah. For the second time this month.

Listen, you little hustler,

I don't even know what we have.

Here. I've got Tums.

I've got some lint.

And I've got a moist ciggie.

I'll take the dart.

Ruthless.

Don't smoke.

Your father's taught you well.

I got a ciggie! - Ruthless child.

Sucker!

What the fuck are we gonna do?

Well, I'm very flattered that CornPulse is thinking of me.

And you're okay with the terms?

Oh, the terms are great.

Frankly, there's no other VP candidate

with your kind of experience.

We need to fill the position ASAP.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, she just doesn't stop.

Chelsea, are you still there?

Oh my god!

Chelsea?

Psycho bitch!

Hello? Chelsea?

I will punt your face into the sun.

Sorry. What?

Nothing.

I was talking to a seagull.

I hate them.

Okay, so do I.

Right?

So your answer is?

I will let you know by the end of the day.

Thanks, Donnie.

The almighty river...

slow and wide.

We come to you drunk and fried.

And as we float together in a drunken dream,

remember puke ends up downstream.

That's right, bud.

I'm looking at you there.

Let's not have a repeat of last year.

Yeah Dewey!

Now normally Backwoods would lead the shotgun start

but apparently he had something better to fucking do today,

so Taser has kindly stepped in.

All right.

Let the weed hit hard and your vapes not sink.

May nobody drown while trying to, um, float?

Drink!

Ah fuck it!

Beers at the ready!

Yeah!

Let's fucking go! - Let's go!

Let's go! Roll 'em up boys!

Get your ass in the water!

Heads up, everyone.

Get the fuck out on the river!

Woohoo!

Woo!

Here fishies!

Hey, Steph, where the fuck is Auds?

I haven't seen her since we got here.

It's weird she's not out in the water, no?

Yeah, uh, she's, uh, totally I...

She's...

Sorry. Where the fuck is she?

Sorry, Todd. Just pissing.

Can't speak and leak at the same time.

Wow! You guys got it set up already?

Yeah. We don't kid around when it comes to drinking.

Not for float down. - Not for float down.

Here you go. Yoinks.

Aww. Thanks Conchie.

You don't talk much, do ya?

Yeah. No.

But he drinks a lot, like more than us.

Yeah.

Hey!

Hola.

Mind if I park here?

I wanna be close to the bar.

No. It's wide open.

Your usual. - Thank you.

You don't float?

Well, someone's gotta supervise.

Plus, I know what's in that river.

Rusty lawn chairs and mercury?

Ooh, too soon, Rodd. Too soon.

Fuck!

She won't leave me alone.

Who's that?

Jenn Conch. She has no boundaries.

You don't need that shit.

She's lucky to have you.

Come on, Homer. Come on.

Do it.

I said I wouldn't do it anymore, all right?

Do it! Do it! - Come on.

All right, all right, all right.

Ch-ch-ch-chuggggg it!

How did Maureen ever leave that?

Yeah. How's it going with her?

Did she take your house yet?

Nah, we're fine.

Not planning on a second or third wife there, Tase.

Working on the fourth, buddy.

Wait. Wait. What did he say?

Nah, you wouldn't get it.

Mind your own beeswax back there.

This current's brutal.

I'm drifting.

It's your float, man.

You look like Jacques Cousteau fucked a filing cabinet.

Yeah. Some of us didn't get the nod this year

to join the Boyfriend Barge.

Whoa. Hey! Take it easy. - Hey buddy.

It's your loss.

I float solo, a lone wolf.

You're not gonna float at all on that piece of shit, Dew.

Never mind.

I gotta go throw a quick wizard in the bushes.

Piss where you are.

You're in a river, for god sake.

Fish have to drink this water!

It's disrespectful!

A toast to you, my colleague.

Commendable job navigating sobriety.

Delish.

You know, it's got the mouth feel of actual beer.

Good memories.

Your approval means the world to me.

You know, a lot of this NA stuff tastes like horse piss,

but you, Leonard, are lord of the lager!

Funny you say that.

I was thinking of trying to sell it online?

I'm in. I'll be your silent partner.

We'll be booze barons, uh, like, uh, I'll be George Clooney

and you can be, uh...

The other guy!

Yes. You'll be the other guy.

Top-up time.

Oh. Got ya, got ya, got ya.

I should float away forever.

Nobody would notice Dewey was missing.

Ow! My leg!

Son of a warlock!

Ah! I'm stuck!

Help. Anyone.

Homer! Taser!

Step-mommy?

You know, you guys could be a little nicer to him.

Dewey?

Ah, he knows we're just giving him the gears.

He likes it, man. - Yeah.

All I'm saying is that he's been around a lot longer than I have

and you'll let me on the barge.

I mean, it feels a little, I don't know.

A little clique-y?

Is that another word for bullying?

Are we the "mean girls" of Conch?

Wicked.

I'll be Lohan.

When a few of the other apprentices

asked to join the float

you guys literally said, "Are they float material?"

Okay. No, no, no, no, no.

We have standards, okay?

This isn't a soup pot, it's a stew.

You either bring the spice or you get skimmed off.

It's not personal. We're selective.

This isn't intramural soccer.

Not everyone gets to play.

Totally, man.

Oh my fucking god. Who am I?

You're Homer.

Fuck. Where's Dewey?

He's my shooter girl.

Taser's thirsty.

Come on. Float down!

Let's churn some water!

Paddle!

Woohoo! - Come on!

What's up, Chucky?

Yeah! Keep the pace, people.

Let the river take us!

Woooo!

Almost there,

You got a light?

Help me.

What's in it for me?

Sherry-Ann! Are you smoking?

Don't make me parent you in front of everyone!

I saw Backwoods and Audrey making out under the canoes.

They were using their tongues!

What a little tattletale.

You punk!

This is after I paid her off.

Oh hey guys. Hey.

I was just peeing. - Me too.

Yeah, urinating.

Just, uh, pee. Separately peeing.

What in the fuck? My fuck!

Busted!

Yeah, I hate to break it to you, Todder, but, uh,

Backwoods and your sister have been banging.

WHAT?!

Shut up, Homer! You rat! - A lot.

For how long?

Long time. Too long. What? Total idiot. Yep.

Who knew about this?

I did. - Me.

We did. - I did.

I think pretty much everybody.

Jesus! - We all did.

Yeah. - They all knew?

Who didn't? - Uh, over here, bud.

That checks out. - Totally.

So you all lied right to my face.

What kind of people are you?

The whole crew's been taking bets on it.

You're the underdog.

Todd, sweetie, can I get you a drink?

Actually, he probably doesn't need another one.

Uh-oh.

Red alert. Red alert. RED ALERT!

He's right pissed!

Betrayal! That's what this is!

An absolute fucking betrayal!

You two stay right where you are!

Fucking chill.

Now Todd, have a little drink.

No, you lose some weed outta my way.

Well, I think we missed our chance to tell him ourselves.

Maybe we should just tell him now.

I'm ready.

Backwoods, he fucking knows!

I know he knows. - Run!

I'm fucking running! - Goooo!

Fucking traitor!

Gotta go! Gotta fucking go!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'm coming for you, you slutty piece of rabbit shit!

Piece of shit coming through!

You broke the bro code, bro!

What are you doing?

Uh-oh, I just did a no-no with my thumb thumbs.

What?

I just sent the entire board of Conch a pic of, uh,

el presidente.

Medhi, if I didn't know any better,

I'd think you were wasted.

We're-we're falling behind. Hurry up.

Row, boy. Row. Row. Let's go. - Okay. Okay.

We were gonna tell you, I swea

Yeah but you fucking, did ya?!

Oh!

I hope you fucking drown!

I'm sorry. I think I broke my big toe.

Good! I'm gonna fucking break the other nine!

Oh!

Stop running around like a scaredy bitch-ass pussy dick!

Lotta words in that insult.

Todd! Todd!

Todd, I think I love her!

What? You love me?

I thought we were just fucking!

You love me now? Jesus!

Don't say the word "fucking".

I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Fuck off!

Fuck! OW!

Conchie, get the fuck outta the way!

You're ruining my buzz! - Stephie! Fuck off!

Fuck again. No, no, no, no.

Stop running away you big fucking scaredy cat!

Paddle me over there.

No one is the boss of me, Toad Stool!

Actually, I am your goddamn boss!

Ah fuck off!

Jesus! Ah fuck!

Get back over here, Backwoods,

so I can punch your fucking head in!

Get outta the way! - Get over here!

You're nuts!

Let go of me! - No, no, no. Todd!

Best buds don't lie about who they're teeing off on, bud.

We were gonna tell you

but you're not the easiest guy to talk to!

Bullshit! I'm perfectly easy to fucking talk to!

No, you're not. - Not true, bud.

We don't do emotions!

We do beers, bongs and that's fucking it!

Boys, let the fuck go of me.

The fuck off Frig-It!

Let me up! Come on!

It'll be fine.

Come on!

Ahhh!

Sorry. My bad.

Un-fucking-believable.

My vape! - I got you. I got you.

Where's my vape?

Uh-oh. I think I'm just about to do a no-no.

Oh. - Oh my god, my eyes.

Medhi's got his ass out!

Asshole!

I go my vape!

What were you thinking?

That's my sister!

Ah! Not his face!

Save yourself!

Fucking stop it!

Go fer it, bitch!

Ah, there he goes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

Nice one, Todd!

Make sure your elbow's in the water, man.

Who wants to crowd surf with me?

What's up with Medhi?

Sunstroke?

Medhi's down!

Call the medic!

Oh shit.

Bev, are you drunk?

Not even a glow.

Oh no.

Oh shit!

Oh Todd, do your worst.

I don't care. I can't fucking move.

That was awesome!

Dewey woulda liked that one.

Dewey? Where's Dewey?

Dewey! Here. Come on!

It looks like made the right choice staying on land.

No kidding.

I better go see if they broke anything.

Well, well, well.

There ya are.

Oh boy.

You done? Huh? - Ah, fuck! Holy fuck!

Why is everyone hitting me?

Stop it! Ow!

That's for making our drama everybody else's problem.

What the fuck was that about? Huh?

You two fighting because he likes her and she likes him?

You knew?

Oh, every fucking body knows about Audwoods.

You gotta be a fucking moron not to know.

That's nice.

So there's even a name for it.

Your family. Family doesn't handle shit like this.

He lied to me.

She lied to me.

There's a lot of fucking lies flying around.

So what?

I pretended to have shingles for a week

to avoid telling your mom I lost the house at a casino.

We move on. Like we did.

We all moved on

to that house where we had to replaced the shingles.

Holy shit. This is full-circle, isn't it?

That's what happened to our house growing up?

Todd, the point is, so what?

No more casinos, Dad.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

How did you even find me?

You realize this is my day off?

So I have you on the "Find my Co-worker App"

just in case I need to track any of my minions.

That crosses so many lines

personal, legal.

I don't even know where to start.

A lady as powerful as moi just doesn't have the time

to play hide and seek, Chels!

You don't have power, Jenn!

You inherited it like a spoiled kid with daddy's credit card.

Oh honey, I am the bank.

And with Daddy gone,

I get to choose the "favourite" and guess what?

I choose me.

Ah, I'm done with you.

I'm done with you, you narcissistic twat!

And guess what?

I quit.

I feel like I just took a big shit.

I want something stronger.

Anybody have any tequila?

Where are ya, Dewey? Hey!

You can come on the barge!

We will let you be Lindsay Lohan!

Totally, buddy!

Dewey! - Dewey!

There's Dewey! - Dewey!

Oh. No. False alarm.

That's just Conchie getting his tongue workout in.

Go buddy.

Like it. Damn. Don't mind us. Let's go con.

Whoa, you're still here?

Please little girl...

Help me.

Dewey! Dewey!

Hey buddy, where you at?

I'm here. - Dad!

I'm here. - I got eyes on him.

He's in bad shape but he's alive.

Good work, daughter!

Dewey, blink twice if you still want to party.

Let's go, boys. Let's go.

Careful with him. He's fragile.

He said yes!

He said yes, Taser. - We're coming for you, Dewey.

Careful.

Get me outta here.

Get him up! Get him up!

You came back for me? - Let's get you untangled.

We got you.

So I guess there's a small chance

that I may have overreacted a little bit.

A lot of beers and I snapped, man.

I was seeing red.

I mean it's... it's fucking weird.

Right. Kinda like

your best friend's dating your sister weird.

Pretty much exactly that.

And it's just so graphic in my head.

We just didn't know how to tell you.

You don't need my blessing.

And I don't know if I can stop picturing it.

Maybe I'll be okay.

Nope. Just saw it again. Fuck!

It's a good picture.

Okay, well maybe this is just as good a time as any

to tell you that I'm-

You're not fucking pregnant?!

What?!

I need my own space.

Oh. Okay.

I don't know. Maybe it's time for you to start sharing

that hot tub with someone that you're not related to.

I think we're ready for both of us to switch things up a bit.

Hmm...

Whoa. Boss lady. - Great.

Stop following me!

I'll pay you more.

Oh, CornPulse is tripling my salary.

Yeah. I'll double it.

I'm done.

Wait. You're leaving Chelsea?

No, no, no. Not yet.

Chels. - You're one of us.

You can't.

Chelsea boss lady leave?

I love you guys but it's time.

I'm gonna call Donnie and let him know I except

CornPulse's offer for VP.

Oh no, Chelsea, don't leave. Donny not for this.

Ow. Jesus.

Well that was a Conch phone so...

Worth it!

You corporate Judas!

You were like my sister and my, my right-hand lady

and like the only person who knew all my computer passwords.

I know all your passwords, Jenn.

Not now, Janet.

Well consider this my two weeks notice.

Consider this my offer

to pay for all your future plastic surgery needs.

What?!

I know a great boob guy in Tulum.

I can get ya on a plane tonight and have you perky by brunch.

How did your head get so far up your ass

that you think new titties is what I'd want?

Everyone loves new titties.

What? Am I right here?

I mean...

Fuck! Titties! Yeah!

Todd will be a great replacement

for Site Manager.

Fuck that, Chelsea.

You run our refinery.

You're more of a Conch than she'll ever be.

You earned it.

You worked your bag off to get where you were.

You're not some idiot that had it handed to her.

Oooh.

Speak the facts, Todd.

That is a lovely bag though, Jenn, so...

You know, Chels, you're right about one thing.

The Site Manager's office should have a Stool nameplate.

Damn straight.

Finally, Todd!

You! Audrey Stool.

Hmm? - What? Who?

Huh?

You've just been officially promoted.

Congratulations.

Whoa, hold on a second.

Wait. What? - What the hell?

I just got my union card.

Boom. And now you're management, girl.

Wow. That is so fucked up.

Yeah. Can she actually do that?

Isn't it amazing, Todd,

how fast you can climb that Conch ladder

when you don't insult the owner?

Effective immediately,

Audrey Stool is our brand new Site Manager.

Let's go, Janet. - Un-fucking-believable.

Okay. - Janet!

What the hell?

Todd's sister's Todd's boss?

Congrats, I guess.

Hey. No offence, but Audrey?

What the fuck is happening right now?

Ugh. Tummy troubles.

Get it out.

Ugh. Must have been something I ate.

Now sip a little more Near Beer.

The, the dandelion and goji have restorative properties.

Leonard, if it wasn't for your friendship,

I'd be right back on the sauce.

I'd probably be bent over a picnic table puking my gu-

guts out.

Leonard. Leonard. Get over here.

You took our real beer by accident,

full of actual alcohol.

Yeah. This is your stupid Near Beer.

which is why I'm stone cold sober

and not the one making out with Conchie!

What? Oh no!

To my esteemed... - What is he doing?

Conch Board of Directors,

in regards to the earlier image of my penis.

It was a private medical image intended for my urologist

A routine mole check.

Turns out my doctor's email

is shockingly close to all of yours.

Uh, time to move on, eh?

Forgive and forget.

And, uh, speaking of hard to forget...

my penis!

Wait. What? - My glorious penis!

No! Stop! Stop it!

Stop it!

Put your dick away, Medhi!

♪ Lighting up our lives

♪ Those patio lanterns

♪ They were the stars in the sky

♪ Those patio lanterns

♪ Lighting up our lives

♪ Oh, those patio lanterns ♪

♪ And I was stuck on Joy, that was her name

♪ We didn't talk much

♪ She was a nervous girl ♪

Hey Chelsea, this is Donnie from CornPulse.

I'm just checking in.

Hello? Chelsea?

Chelsea? I'm waiting.

♪ Dancing to an old song

♪ Bobby Vinton's Blue on Blue

♪ Who was gonna be ♪

♪ Under those patio lanterns ♪

Those patio lanterns