Original subtitles

[Music]

oh you head of all the time

enjoy animal in spite of you worry about

that house of [ __ ] anything to declare

I miss my go ahead to the Brighton a you

know hit on an Audi frighten you mind

I'm [ __ ] me now re

[Music]

look here the man who's won 100,000

pounds he's coming here to this boarding

house where we are the only two females

Oh besides mrs. Brown of course yes and

you can always poison her I don't think

you're taking me seriously

you're so right Christine here you are

all set to chase the Mafia's money and

you don't even know what he looks like

but I do look here's a picture of him on

the front page I did that the exchange

in law

what's he advertising weedkiller

[Music]

[Music]

there you are mr. Blake how nice to have

you with us again and I'm glad to see

you're not too grand to stay here after

winning all that money but as I said to

myself and I saw it in the papers I said

I wonder if we should see mr. Plagueis

or are they were saying at the Majestic

this time but you're not one to be small

of a bit of black are you know course

not well would you like to see your

rooms I expect you'd like to change

before lunch I'll show you out myself

nothing's too good for you that's what

we've always had nothing well I think

you'd like to unpack and get settled in

I hope you'll be comfortable I have

let's fly all my other guests you know I

keep them happy understand you get

nowadays off what they used to be are

they pictures of boyfriends all they

think about oh well a nice feeling all

you I'll bet she was vaccinate with a

gamma phone made with the blunt end no

ticket cards might take a car look Harry

I wish you wouldn't carry your winnings

around with you it's not safe I said

we're gonna rub myself no no I mean you

should put all this in the bank bank

last place to put it a lot safe do you

realize how many banks it got broke

lately no there's hundreds of them

there's the well well the Clydebank that

talk about the banks of Loch Lomond I'll

get the heads above water even the blood

bank is asking for donations yes but

don't run influence me with out of

inflation what bicycle tires observation

balloons Hoopoe cushions I suppose I put

my money in the bank then what happens

well you don't interrupt before no I am

the fact managers persuaded me to buy

shares it's a terribly

let's burn out the money on shares know

what happens what the bottom starts

pulling out the market every day prices

are low it

oh she's awfully how about top notch it

not her you know where the markets are

crashing yeah whoo Wall Street Wendy the

street the boss to set up and save

something on the crash I know it even

worse quickly so much time tell me let's

hide it's over in the roll you mad no no

there must be somewhere mrs. brown

stains if the guests don't don't blow up

lunch should be ready at 1:00

[Music]

don't you be ready it - here they are

now this is miss Sheila Gilroy miss

Christine Russell when you simple Sheila

Gilliam is Christine Russell was the

Harry flaker and I'm very happy to know

you and last but not least this is the

major I'm very pleased to meet you my

birth and welcome you into our heavy

little circle thank you thank you very

much

well doesn't have the pleasure of

meeting up a football winner every day

the word you know no but you have it

wrong it's my friend Harry my name is

Pike is it well here you must be very

careful with all that money of yours

invested wisely you know we must get

together and have a little chat over one

or two business metals take the Suez

could have a company for instance no

it's Clarence it in 1885 he said nothing

of the kind

he said money should be invested wisely

and shrewdly William will you be staying

here very long mr. flake as Oh may I

call you Harry

please do miss Russell is Russell ho but

it's not at all friendly I want you to

call me Christine okay Christine do you

find many people chasing you if your

money mr. flake er no she'd have to meet

my money

hmm British consuls lost half a point

Burmese railway seemed rather unsteady

Mexican plateaus down four points ah

here's an interesting item of news the

popular press informs us I quote mr.

Harry plecos the recent winner of the

record football dividend is content she

tells our representative to spend his

holidays he's always done in the past in

the same modest little guesthouse in

Brighton he is the cetera et cetera I

unquote what a fortunate fellow is mr.

Harry play coz is should always remember

something that was told to me or some

time ago by a roommate of mine yeah

Wormwood Scrubs well would no no I think

people strange way that clear

[Music]

man good it would my son and here a

quote only if you ever want to go

through it off without trouble you

better put your mouth to the wheel your

shoulder to the grindstone no better

than a wall to do you shape the old man

of course yes yes yes yes yes

regards to mr. Harry flicka's I rather

feel that our need he's crazier than he

then yes I think - bracing brighten

prove most beneficial physically morally

possibly financially hey what do you say

my lady [ __ ] hmm I begin what do you

think of this tell what seems to be

fitting at the smooth surface of your

delinquent equilibrium huh Candace yeah

how do you think these fibers are coming

fast and furious I hope hmm pity that

all the same number still we must not be

too critically I'm quite confident the

peasantry will provide the usual in

discriminating victims that's the only

sort of money we got yes you've said and

now my friend

we must budget our Brighton Enterprise

enterprise what's the caper this time

sport keeper my friend hey is that

discussed before operation flickers now

we should require to return ticket to

Brighton but clouds should be the five

pounder mm-hmm accommodation at the

modest little guesthouse

with the full board liquid refreshments

[Music]

bully for you let here and now the

little incidental expenses one adept

wink are nothing sorry doesn't change

much of it no no people the she's the

major yes no they didn't drink we were

going to have together I've been picking

earnest lips but they vast sum of money

of yours now if I'm seeing earlier I

have a few business context no major

it's my friend Harry you want is it yes

he's got the sponge UNIX sponge UNIX the

critical disease now major the sponge

UNIX in the fingers oh the worst place

you can have it

he travels straight up brain and

crumbles the arm no no no it travels up

the arm and couples the brain yes it's

pretty horrible anyway but as I was

saying about making money of yours my

boy um I suggested to invest it wisely

now when I was financial adviser to the

[ __ ] until off distiller in mister over

proofs managing director you mister say

to me

uh-huh what's this secret drinking

session how did you know oh it's you my

dear huh

yeah well we can't discuss business

matters when ladies present can we

continue a little gently tubs yes yes

spunky weeks well what are you boys

doing tonight well we were thinking of

going for a walk and stretching our legs

they're made of rubber you know shiranai

again to a show and we thought you might

like to come along

hey that's a great idea spike how about

making up a foursome huh well I don't

know I was gonna go to the museum museum

yes this is I like museums you know when

I get me Museum yes can't get me out I

mean they won't let your music well

isn't that a coincidence she was just

saying how much he loves music

that makes everything fine what honey

when sprite can go to the museum and how

do you and I yeah Jesus yes hey wait a

minute

I'm not going to the museum I'm gonna be

Santa I want to see the show - Christine

its Frank what I'd stick to my original

suggestion and all make up before so

alright anything for peace and quiet

well alright then

come along she know we better get ready

goodbye Harry Kim see you in half an

hour

oh well spike she loves me mm-hmm she's

wonderful wonderful nothing take away

her lovely blond hair and what have you

got the most beautiful bald-headed woman

have Brighton well honey I hope she

doesn't sting us for any expensive seats

probably well that spike out pay you're

sure you can manage Harry you're down to

your last hundred thousand you know

mm-hmm well spike you better get ready

yes

[Music]

well I thought it would be a good chance

to get Harry alone I work better without

a crowd around

I don't you still getting ahead of your

team then cross why not oh no reason

you mean by that a hundred thousand

pounds is quite nice well I don't know

it seems like a mean trick Christine oh

I don't know and you do the same if you

were in my shoes no I wouldn't not to a

sweet-natured boy like Harry it's

obviously since dozen could easily be

hurt now you wouldn't be getting

interested yourself would you better

mind you don't I've made up my mind and

I don't want you cutting in you can't

say that Christine maybe you're not his

type

I wonder what type he really likes well

if he likes those boys shy kind of women

I shouldn't think so I'll tell you what

Sheila well I'll try the or try the

neurotic

ed Davis type of woman well see how he'd

like that now you're Harry and I'm

neurotic and I'm Bette Davis

I love Utica and how lovely of you to

ask me out I've got a locked element

I'll get cigarettes

[Music]

[Music]

hey boy no I don't think that's his type

at all how about Gloria Swanson Swanson

in her heyday Branson

[Music]

[Laughter]

relax Harry relax

Oh haven't you ever taken a girl out

before no nobody is taking like a

surgeon at his first operation that's no

laughing matter that happens to be a

very nerve-wracking experience really

yes indeed so many more have you ever

seen an operation no ever seen a

neurosurgeon in operation no I'll tell

you about it's a done it have to a

friend of mine once he was a surgeon at

a very big London Hospital you see

imagine it a seen the operating theatres

of a big London hospital all around at

tears upon tears and medical still was

watching him waiting fair Omegas first

mistake hmm in front is the patient laid

out for the operation coming in a big

white sheet and on the left on the left

stands a nurse with all the instruments

of torture he's very nervous

he's very embarrassed and his first

operation he's just coming into the

operating theatre hello

thank you nurse no I'm not nervous

[Music]

you

[Applause]

[Music]

you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

you know we take out the time hey lace

but half of those girls

why shouldn't Mario suppose it upstairs

getting ready you know how girls are

hey you know what I like Christine but

she frightens me well that she's a big

girl Angie mm-hmm she's strong see

they're ours

mm-hmm well I should let him make a

monkey out of you Harry are we gonna

make a monkey out of a spike my you look

lovely tonight

oh that's a beautiful perfume you're

wearing too isn't it it's Knobble isn't

it no tabal oh no you can't fool me I

know it anyway that Sabu Hey it's taboo

Sabbath the boy that washes anything Oh

No can you think of anyone who needs

perfume over here that

[Music]

well my friend to see who that was

oh that my friend was the man with

100,000 pounds hairy flickers what are

we waiting for

add that they're not so quick mantich

was fair not so fast which will make his

acquaintance in due course in the

meantime please ring the bell would you

good day - madam

how do you do can I help you I sincerely

hope some renovation city hoops ooh my

friend and I are seeking refuge from the

hurly-burly of the great metropolis and

we hope to find accommodation in your

charming residence we've heard so much

praise of you that it would break our

hearts if we had a furnace we're

absolutely break our hearts I have a

double room if you don't mind sharing

it's a very nice indeed meadow splendid

my colleague and I have so much to

discuss business you know the sharing

room wouldn't inconvenience us

whatsoever well then if you'll just sign

the register I'll take you out my name

Edward Haines press London West

occupation printer engraver and

duplicator Miko Marcus graves your full

name

why don't you drop dead little lady

later mrs. Brown you must be very busy

this time of year I've great admiration

for people like you who run things so

efficiently well I do my best

now if you'll come along I'll show you

the way it's the first floor we have

some charming people staying out of the

mobile probably to join the window

sunshine mrs. rahama you'll never guess

who's in the next room to you ah merci

Pierre no no not the sharper yes he who

yesterday cuz the jelly would have won

all money in the football pools la me

what a turn-up for the book I think your

failings referring to the book he's

right here he's a literary Jason linking

that successful of course I think you'll

find it's very comfortable for the

lovely view of a thief in the window if

you stand on a chair Dean well out

splendid splendid Devon splendid lady

you must remind me to get a chair and

trace one day I remember when I first

took this place the state of

dilapidation was a terrible the

wallpaper was coming off the walls and

the paint workers aren't you thinking so

good mr. graves you know when a lot of

influence are about yes I realize that

but I didn't think it but you don't look

so good yourself sister

not since I had a day's illness in my

life I'm not talking about your health I

just said you don't look so good

well I uh doesn't make any difference

one day you're laughing and happy just

like me and all of a sudden bingo bingo

mm-hmm

open your trap say ah

[Music]

[Music]

no yeah he made me open my mouth Oh give

me that I shall see the drop

compensating to this deed he or not you

will be compensated in cash would have

we can get the machine working knees up

mother Brown

he's our mother bro

[Music]

now they're putting head what rubbish

chicken costume was in this bottle

branding brandy

and now let it now to work first of all

we must consider microphone in our

perspective clients room we might be

able to overhear something that can be

of our advantage have you all the

necessary equipment huh I bought him up

a Boy Scout he needed the money for his

income tax let's just do our good deed

for the day first of all we must conceal

our microphone hmm looks a potential

isn't it here I pinched it from the baby

see they might have pinched a good one

whilst you were about it

I wouldn't I only had four minutes huh

where can I put it you can stick it no

play oh the pool yeah there's been a lot

of it about hasn't it hey do you know

one man dies every six hours of flu is

how monotonous for him

hello what have we here

all right it's mr. flickers little money

box how sweet

what do you think

really good indeed huh made by very very

reputable firm yeah Royal Mint you mean

arroyo just a movement let me so

impetuous my friend you must release

this hoard then get down to some

constructive work

oh yeah but we can't leave this wood it

will it be yeah we criminal all in good

time let it go all in good time now

replace the case and let's get there to

our room yeah I will manufacture some

spurious high-power notes

staging for the genuine article and then

we can be taught with our day job listen

Big Ed you're a terrific man you're a

financial wizard wizard lady with the

wizard oh yes hang on terribly report

mm-hmm it's very very funny of T right

now back to our machines

[Music]

close any close maybe the other side

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

this night and Andromeda has reached its

zenith I come to you you may be

initiated into the last of the great

arts the art of metabolism

I saw a general think you know people

tended in the audience you'll see now

once you won't clap your hands above

your head like this and concentrate on

me

in trade

[Music]

concentrate

[Music]

well those of you who can uncross your

arms

those of you who cannot come up onto the

stage

[Music]

[Music]

ah this is what I require these people

are now completely under my control in

my power slaves

lower your hand

[Music]

you are now members of the Bulge estoy

grin State Philharmonic Orchestra you

you will rise above the insignificant

role you play in life and will become

the first violinist of this grand

orchestra second violinist double bass

cellos

soprano

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

having elevated you to the rose

celestial music

I will now transport you to the

primitive the best still you are now the

world's heavyweight champion fight

they're the perfect coordination of mind

and muscles the footwork the cross

delights the power the control this man

has been transformed against his will

into a magnificent fighting machine and

that ladies and gentlemen

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

I feel we had an accident oh well see

the wrestler sure now you stop the show

I don't think we're very popular around

here accidents - are you kidding

come on we're gonna get going yeah so

you think all hypnotists the fakes and

everybody's plotted mm-hmm who planted

you well my mother said the stork

brought us huh his mother one mm-hmm one

of triplets one of us as a girl and what

was the said you never found out

it flew away if I'd been in the cradle

with you I'd have done the same well my

dear hands I'm sure you'll find the dog

coconut corporation is a flourishing

concern maybe enormous dividend counted

up to me oh no no charge it up to me

so do I charge it up to here oh very

good sir

well major back to business yes of

course

well here are my dessert 100 shares in

the North Pole coconut corporation yeah

fine and here you are my friend 100

pound in crisp new fibers well link us

up and now if you'll excuse me I have

some fins to meet but of god lady

there's one born every minute I get

there's one born every minute

- his balls a horrible I did you cannot

let me get you a drink

Harry Harry Harry

my name's spike you know my dear this is

wearing a bit thin is it my boy so it is

oh where we can zoom rectify that can't

wait to launch unit everything I have

some shares of a certain little tail

some other time major we were just

leaving

for bargains from durricks your gin sir

you ever think it would you think what

sir well there they all seem to have

contracted the dreadful affliction what

affliction sir it's ponderings

most pernicious disease the natives used

to get it in their bazaars very nasty

place to get it's the worst fear he was

to Marin my dogs we had shoot him

ready yes sometimes had to shoot the

dogs as well were they mad well they

weren't very pleased about it you real

good even bomb good evening sir

a large gin please I'm celebrating

tonight celebrating sir and what is the

application I've just buried my

mother-in-law I had to she died

don't use me son

but I am I seem to know your face you do

let me know I see new download the

chavín de ja vu watch having know the

large gym very good vehicle this is see

that trophy up there yes I bagged that

who do yes I shot it right between the

yards yeah that time you thought I

usually say saving aim you have of the

man said said ok well lady what about a

little game of cut hmm cut but that's a

game a chance chance lady not the way I

played hmm now it'll speak shall we say

well I'll bet you plan a pound oh I

don't want to see your money lady

yes it's insolence game King hot lady

don't show it to me the gentleman's game

I didn't want to see it

ah akiko ace

I so of course we don't believe you want

to see a dojo dancer

you must have a drink with beans excuse

me who you care to have a drink with me

why why like you yeah I've got something

to tell you why

you see that fella over there he's one

of the finest fellows as ever the breeze

yeah who him he he's done more for

mankind the learning of the fire breathe

hmm

still got this one Julius yes I've got

them here Oh and the chest now yeah I

knew they'd get you in the end

have you any idea who you got the from

fools how you must hate him oh yeah

don't go away when I'm talking to you

that's very rude can you stand still

five minutes what's he done what's he

done what's this I'm absent show me the

watches don't drop dead a drink for you

my dear

hey Robin another brain brandy any less

suda2 much well that brings us to the

halfway mark my hard-working satellite

you can say that I hear that Lee well

that brings us to the halfway mark may

had working test all right bright boy I

wish I had your head stopped over my

mantelpiece come now let us not lose our

sense of humor para debt is not after

all in a very short while we should be

positioned of a large amount of genuine

currency and then we'll be set for life

well what are we waiting for

look at the time good heavens 12:30

howdy Caxton hurry

[Music]

well Harry what do you think this

physique alright do you think it'll ever

take the place of the human bunny

they were just jealous oh why my crimson

torso that's all madam this is a

bathroom and never compounded be right

[Music]

Mouse Pike I couldn't stand it this

morning understand it any morning you

should have brought so much last night

oh I know I think I better get a refill

I spread a packet last night madam this

is a bathroom and nothing nothing

nothing like last night now be a nervous

wreck come in money boys how you feel Oh

Oh make Sheila Oh terrible head it's an

odd shape but it'll pass in a crowd

oh this morning dear but enough from him

oh well I'm just on my way down to town

anything you want oh yes please

some morning paper money somebody dead

hmm and some cigarettes for me too

I'm sorry I'm gonna take a smaller dear

oh it's alright I'll change around the

bus

bye

don't do that

hurry up thousand about the breakfast

thousand ready twenty circling a second

about your five could you not your mr.

Blake is a mr. Donnelly I'd like you to

meet our two new guests mr. Haines a mr.

gray did I do that sure

well what did you like the guy I'm

having frege's and since Mike Donnelly

my pal I'm delighted know he delighted

mr. play because I'd like you to meet my

colleague mr. graves

oh not dig a grave some six feet down

under six feet graves why don't you drop

dead spike Donnelly

why don't you drop dead too the most

enjoyable encounter mr. plinkus mrs.

Brown has told me so much about you I

feel as though I've known you all my

life

I'm sure we're going to get on very very

well together this kickers hey I trust

you sleep well I'll stop over like the

dead yeah dead drunk

you know what that poor boys got the

spoon do it on a strange dream last

night major

really yes I dropped two men came into

my room for me out of whiskey in the

crypt out again you are in a bad way

looks to me as though you've got the

real spondulicks he want my cigarette

hello let the police station I want

reported that five pound boats been fast

on me why'd you say a counterfeit five

pound note oh that's very serious very

serious matter

tell me this and tell me no more what

color is it white that's very

significant very significant what not a

minute no till I get the book I have to

write down the details and the

particular how would your houses know

till I get the book anyone see me

notebook lads

hey Charlie Charlie did you see me

notebook the one we keep the dark scores

in don't think that who do see ya now I

hope you've all had sufficient speak

myself Madame an excellent meal

excellent and beautifully prepared it

was much yes it's beautifully prepared

there's a gentleman to see mr. flake is

with an American act shall have only

well English chaps

no he's wearing a hat with a small miss

- my head screams I know this character

has he got a Canadian accent he talks

like they do on the movies and I do know

him he's a Salesman he was here

yesterday trying to see you but I told

him you didn't want to buy anything oh I

can handle these sales look fellas I'll

get rid of them mm-hmm mr. blanka's by

the merest coincidence I happen to have

with me the magnificent magnificent joke

book full of 10,000 gags and coveted

advices a laugh in every line I don't

want to see it you can't see it

obviously you need glasses

I represent the Wonder synoptic company

try out contact lenses and put a gleam

in your eyes we also have spectacle

frames in all colors and sizes we have

large extra-large and I wish I had

bigger ears if you don't leave soon one

of us is going to have an accident then

in my case I represent the rigor mortis

insurance company on the cradle to the

grave we make your accidents worth more

the more the agony the moral of money

what does it pay oh well that all

depends on the size of the accident my

friend hmm suppose he got sound of a

plane without a parachute

well the parachute 1,000 ponch another

passion yeah well suppose I was drowned

ah even better mm funds what if I was

poison

and you're in luck if you're poisoning a

plane the falls in the sea you're alive

I don't want any insurance my friend my

friend think of your wife and kids I

have money

you happened in that case my friend I

represent the Reno Last Chance

matrimonial agency we have all types my

friend redhead deadheads brunette why

don't you go you're giving me a headache

a headache oh I'm very fortunate to you

sir I represent my friend the one over

Tommy gasping company our product is

guaranteed to banish any headache take

two of these red pills and your headache

will vanish it does yes but your hair

falls out mm-hmm

don't worry though take two of these

green pills and your hair grows the game

about your eyebrows fall off never mind

my friend take three of these gray pills

and your eyebrows grow back in again

what's that your headache comes back

I'll call the police oh you are the

police is that a machine I Gilroy yeah

she like everyone yeah she's here I'd

like to speak to her please oh I'll call

it Sheila

someone to see you oh you wanted to see

me miss you all right yeah that's right

do you pass this five-pound note kind of

Thompson's its back nice this morning

well yes this is my signature on today

right see I'm afraid I'll have to ask a

few particulars you see it happens to be

a forgery Oh dread yes is there anywhere

where I could speak to you privately

well we can get into the lounge

thank you very much oh you're going to

lock her up lock she up fun they got

taking it away now she does she's been

passing counterfeit five-pound notes all

around the town money being possum

enrichment he's grateful III can't stay

under this roof another moment let it

upstairs and pack the bags we must leave

immediately we have our reputation to

consider

and met him who drew very much mind

having the bill ready in five minutes

please join me it's never happened to my

place before it s kind of medival

positives candle hmm

hey ma can you wallet from nevermind

give it to me quick hmm I got a hunch I

may be wrong three four one three four

one two three four one they're all the

same number their dad's dad's does dodge

yeah

can you mean all the others up there no

poor boys home boys what on earth is the

matter with them

the last throes of the dreaded

spondulicks made you know sort of the me

immediately

Neelix please don't come near you must

realize the musician in which such an

occurrence please me now after all this

sort of thing is proud to bring

distasteful publicity when my friends in

the city hear about it and they won't

like it a bit

in sodium atom I'm forced to depart I am

so sorry

Liam the luggage wait your sister was a

rebel with a considerable about maggot

no - oh hey mr. Hains you've left you

hmm but the Haynes you left a five note

does every one of them guts you gotta

tell the police

fill the police whopping a hundred

thousand pounds from the Bank of England

turned our overnight Lisa Clark Sheila

look hangs and grades afford you

soldiers give they've got a machine the

prints of one hi

[Music]

kherington all right Tiffany - are you a

man card to the Lincoln once used to run

darks the White City a university is not

a nice fella Tiffany - they set up dirty

yellow jaundice

[Music]

you

[Music]

you

[Music]

well spiking looks into giving us a slip

we've gotta find these crooks Harry

always sunk

please think you're the forgers if we

don't find them you'll do 10 years on

Darkman nah it's a nice place there's no

getting away from it oh come on these

crooks must be somewhere about let's try

this way yeah but to keep us on for the

police police oh nice place marine slave

nice quiet locality of course we had a

motor there you know three or four years

ago high as telepathy mrs. Perkins

shuttle husband three times our

Christmas Eve that was a nice prison

from Santa Claus huh

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thank goodness I found you what's

happened no time to explain now we've

got to find hands and grapes before the

police find us look out here they come

now

click hi

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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thank you that's all right

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Hey

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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water

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there's no ridiculous people sharad

mercy support me you can say that again

I'm just about ready to drop dead

besides they're hoping just isn't

dignified read them up the sent by now

hey we still have the duplicator they

clocked the taxi driver should have

changed the wheel by now hmm we must

find an exit and get out of this

madhouse posthaste

hey trust our friend misty plagued us

we'll have a satisfactory answer to the

police the ownership of those done by

partners replied John image come lady

this blue just a minute he like you two

gentlemen to accompany me to the station

because of course just an old lady hang

on a minute will you hey I hope this

little skirmishes done yellow sponge

UNIX a power of good it did it has major

mmm-hmm yeah boy don't worry too much

about those two scoundrels please always

get them in you know something major

what's it the Northwest money please I

always get better

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[Applause]

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you