Original subtitles

The Lord is my

shall not want. He maketh me to lie down

in green pastures. He leadth

me beside the

waters.

Okay, here we go then. In three, two,

one, action.

Yeah, I'm just watching the rugby. I'm

absolutely obsessed with it since the

World Cup. Splendid. What's the score?

No idea. Look at Johnny Wilkinson's

spies.

I said if he's got the luckiest

testicles. I can't believe we're filming

this. Well, I know. To say I wish I was

his testicles. Imagine nestling on those

thighs every time he sits down. Oh,

his chesticles.

Johnny's thighs and wide screen. Yum.

There's an audience out here.

[Applause]

Now that smack that you're doing there

is quite majorly vicious.

Yeah. Wake up. Yeah. It's wake up

smacking. Whereas you're doing something

I know from Sopranos.

Never get the look on David's face the

first time you saw me. No.

Well, no, it wasn't. It wasn't quite

like that. No, it was more sort of No,

it wasn't like Look, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't It doesn't matter. Alice. Oh

god, I've gripped my neck. Have you been

Do you want me to help you? Do you want

me to help you? Yes.

Don't run away then. Sorry. I really

have broke my neck. Rub rub rub. [ __ ]

I'm just there really hard harder.

Comedy is a very dangerous business.

[Music]

Cut it out, will you, D?

Listen, you big gala. Look at the back

of your head. I can see you've been

sleeping.

Any

[Music]

other business? Oh, yes. Yes. It's about

say yes. Yes. Like,

don't shut me. No. No. Yes.

[Music]

That is glory be to God on high. That's

a such a strange thing to Okay, don't

say it then. Merry Christmas. Just say

merry Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. What about

that? Uh shall we go in? Ah, well, we're

just waiting for Alice to uh bring the

children down. They wanted to say

congratulations, but uh they're in a

little, so congratulations is hard to

pronounce. So, they're going to say nice

one. Hello, Raggi. Hello, Legolas.

Gandalf and Fiddyent.

Hello. You want me to say Fiddy Cent?

Do you think people will get that?

Hello, 50 Cent.

And hello, little Nard. You're of Big

Brother. A When you came into the room

yesterday, where did you put your

children? Where did Annas put her

children? I shoved them in the cupboard

and went, "Stay there." What did I teach

you? Say to the vicer children, come on.

We love our gay vicar. Yeah. No, no,

that was the old one. The new one. Nice

one, Auntie Vicker. Uh, in a way, I

think it should be nice one vicar rather

than nice one, auntie, don't you? Yeah.

Nice one, Vicker.

We've cut it.

That should be the littlest one. Really

instead cuz we've got two.

Hello Legolas. Hello Hagrid. Happy

Christmas children.

[Music]

And I think when you've said it, um, but

it was worth the wait. I think you

should still be in that mode a little

bit and make a little noise.

That's nice. It's such a boy thing to do

that. Going to be as sweet as possible.

She may be watching. She watches tell

you all that. Even if you're the queen,

you're delighted when people sleep with

you. I love it. She might throw up her

Brusszle sprites. The queen was

watching.

She choked on. She died.

Written by Richard

referred to her as mtastic.

We are not amused.

Okay. These days are mad because you

spend the whole day from 9:00 in the

morning till 6 doing a camera rehearsal

and you're absolutely shattered by the

end of it and then you can't ha 7 you

got to go zoom your adrenaline up from

there to there and do a show.

[Music]

I say this with every something or

other.

What?

[Laughter]

Okay.

Okay. Little pick up. We still

[Music]

It's quite a controversial thesis and it

took a little bit of time for me to

to

to

tango to tango to delig

[Applause]

Yes.

Not tonight, darling. Yes.

Praise the Lord. He's coming down the

birth canal.

Here he comes now.

We we

look the Madonna's fully delighted.

Delighted. She shall

she shall not need an epiotomy.

What is this? [ __ ] tea. I thought I

thought that [ __ ] tea not to be used.

I know. I'm not sure. I've always been a

bit twisted about this and I think that

actually the me and God's ultimate

representative on earth might be better

without the repeat now. Really quite

good friends actually. Me and God's

ultimate something.

Oh, what excitement.

Speech. Speech.

I'm going to kill myself.

He hasn't remembered that line for the

whole week.

It's only two words.

The two words speech. Speech.

Great. Yeah, man. Yeah.

It's going to come to pass. You're here.

[Music]

Well, get going.

[Music]

His name is Jesus.

Hallelujah. If you're bad, he's going to

screw you up. Yeah.

What do you think, future rap star James

Fleet, don't you think?

I felt then as though I wanted you to

go, "Right, I'll do that." And then just

scream. must understand how comedy

works.

Right. I'll do that.

It's It's only because it's the end of a

long episode that will also also wake up

all the people who switch to watch a

half hour Yes. comedy show and find

themselves 70 minutes later still

watching the television. The horror that

is the Christmas of dimly. I don't know

how I could ever have thought of

leaving. This is and always will be the

place for me.

God bless you. For loads more Christmas

specials.

See you all next Christmas. See you.

Same slot next Christmas day.

[Music]

That's not bad. That is not bad. I

actually did it very well.

[Applause]