Original subtitles

[Music]

to Arms to Arms the British are coming

the British are coming to Arms to

Arms in America in 17th 75 most of us

Americans were afraid of the British oh

but of course some Americans they

weren't afraid of them at

all reie

baby it's safe he's going to fight your

regiment at

Lexington good

sh yes back in those days the American

Amic woman admired the Englishman for

many things for the Smart Way dressed in

contrast to their beat neck American

husband also the Englishman was so

proper he always did the so proper thing

at the so proper time brisk instant tea

My Dear Reggie baby you think of

[Music]

everything not quite my

dear lovely shot old man

help my cup darling

[Music]

[Applause]

wi well that's how it was with the

Englishman in the American woman and

unfortunately for us American men it's

still going on

today this is the story of an Englishman

Bruce Patterson who was a neighbor of

mine during the time he was associate

professor of archaeology at a California

[Music]

University

oh

a

oh no listen listen miss Helen bushill

well-known West Coast fashion designer

today announced her engagement to

British archaeologist Bruce Patterson no

it can't be impossible Mr Patterson at

present is is associate professor of

archaeology at California University I

can't believe that yesterday he was so

wonderfully old well they aren't married

yet let's draw straws to see who kills

her really miss turner oh Professor I'm

sorry I I hope you'd be very happy not

if you draw the Short Straw oh Professor

Patterson yes Miss B kington I will

sincerely wish you and your beautiful

miss bushmill The Very Best of British

luck thank you Miss Pilkington naturally

you would

[Music]

understand now where do we leave off oh

yes the Jolly Old Crow magnum

man goodl looking fellow isn't he uh

very much like the Modern Man except for

the fact that uh he as you noticed has a

gap there man gradually progressed

Through the Ages and became more and

more civilized the the teeth became

gradually more even and the Gap

disappeared I rather think it gives him

something in a

way there is a theory that the gaps were

used to make animal noises bird noises

uh as signals and also to decoy other

birds and animals um I don't this is

purely a theory of course I don't know

whether it's true or not but I have

carried out some personal experiments

and at least I do know that it's

practical for instance an English linit

Finch I hope we'll forgive me if giving

the

[Laughter]

[Music]

bad Professor Bruce Patterson lives on

the beach in Santa Monica in a house he

rents from his fiance Helen bushmill who

is in Paris on business viewing in new

fashions I live in that elegant trailer

on the left here I am doing what I

usually do when I'm not studying law or

chasing girls speaking of girls I happen

to live with this underslung female who

is named Jessica after an underslung

Maiden Aunt of mine Jessica also is very

fond of the professor just like most

American Girls American girls really dig

the professor's bry's

charm oh good afternoon

Jessica don't tell your master I'm home

I've got some papers to correct but

maybe Jessica is mercenary knowing the

professor is an archaeologist she

probably figure someday he'll come up

with some bones for

[Music]

her

but here in this bachelor flat on the

Pacific the professor can relax and get

away from all those Amorous college

girls he can brw his tea and dream of

getting married for the first time to

Helen bushmill the professor thinks that

Helen also is getting married for the

first time but unfortunately Helen like

most women hasn't told him everything

about her past especially one little

thing that just happened to have

happened 17 years ago

mother

mother

[Music]

mother

mother

Bruce all my love just just you

[Music]

forever man he played one

[Music]

he

hey

professor Michael yes I'm in the bedroom

I brought our telephone back oh thanks

helped yourselves to a refreshing glass

of soda water you read what's left to my

mind sweet of you Professor what's sweet

I mean it was sweet of you to build a

dog house for

Jessica dog house is just

arriv ah I'll be a bone a bone the leg

bone of a dinosaur catch it around here

did you as a matter of fact I came

across it purely by accident while I was

digging last summer in an area quite

somewhere from their natural habitat I

sent it to Baxter of Oxford he says this

is between 57 and 58 million years old I

drink to that Professor but you've

goofed you're uh out of scotch there p

in the cabinet over

there

no Scotch but lots of gin I'm sure it's

there that must be

cracking fantastic devil someday I'll

write a book about them got the perfect

title for you raising dinosaurs in your

backyard for Fun and

Profit careful Michael what he dog sorry

it's difficult to find decent shrunken

heads these these days your troubles are

over Professor I have got a laundry that

can shrink anything which reminds me I

got to pick up some shirts got a hot one

on for tonight oh and I was buzz off I'm

dining with Professor bman not to

mention his lovely lady

wife Bowman that's the guy that's

competing against you for the same

digging ground huh not much competition

I'm afraid the college are bound to give

him the ground he's got seniority and

he's a most excellent

man do you know Michael if they did give

me the grant h and I could go digging

for the rest of that fellow in the

desert on our

honeymoon

what you see when Helen gets back from

this trip she and I plan to spend a

whole year together just

digging sounds cozy just you two and

sandflies Jessica what on Earth are you

doing shame Jessica and you just had

dinner a very naughty dog come on

sweetheart you don't care whose heart

you break do you but Michael this is a

very valuable B it's you or me Professor

either you get a smaller bone or I get a

bigger dog come

on

[Music]

Michael did

you that you

[Music]

Michael

Michael

[Music]

Jessica what are you doing in

there what the

devil no don't be angry I I didn't do

anything you must be one of my classes

classes no no no class

you you must be prehistoric maiden or

young but willing and if so where's your

shovel go put stop to this nonsense once

and for all all the same you sexm minded

college girls I've never been to college

explain all that to the

police what are you doing to me no you

let me out of here

no let me

out oh you rud

what are you

doing

Qui

no you there operator no give him the

police I've got a wayward girl here I'm

not one of your

students never

mind you're not really one of my

students really

not

oh very sorry I can easily make mistakes

you know all you girls look alike dress

alike and act

alike who are you

then

Libby

Smith where do you come from Miss

Smith originally or

lately I mean what are you doing in my

house

is this your house well I pay the

rent

well I came looking for some food see I

haven't eaten since yesterday and and

I'm awfully

hungry really

hungry

well never mind I'll find someplace else

to no no no no no no no if you're really

hungry I couldn't possibly turn you

nowh where's the kitchen right

here oh uh by the way I'm uh do forgive

me but I was just oh that's all

right I I'm Professor Bruce Patterson

hope you'll forgive me for treating you

so harshly but believe it or not young

women have done this sort of thing

before oh it was really my fault I

shouldn't have sneaked in like that but

it looked like such a Friendly House and

that picture in there she looks so

friendly that's my f and she is friendly

well I was finished dressing let go for

the fridge have all you want and then uh

run along

eh why haven't you eaten since yesterday

I ran away from boarding school well why

didn't you go back to your parents'

house it's just my mother I don't think

she wants me

around having a daughter my age probably

makes her feel old oh that's rotten oh

well you'll have to go back to boarding

school won't you stay right

here I wanted to stay in my own

house I'm going to be honest

what wasn't a boarding school I ran away

from it was a juvenile delinquent

institution the cops are after me I'm on

the run brby

baby what did you say hey it's your

proud of them legs ain't you sorry

didn't have time to Dr cute but not the

L they're wearing never mind about that

tell me about the cops I mean the police

well that's why I couldn't eat nothing

what if I went into one of them eating

joints they would have spotted me like

that I'd have been sent back and beaten

all over you mean they beat you you want

I should show you my black and blues no

no no all right pretty good chicken TV

dinner you cook it no no no I didn't now

listen to me Miss Smith fiance is a good

cook my my fiance didn't cook it oh you

going to girl that cooks for you huh

legs I thought guys only played around

after they got married now look listen

me listen I don't around that chicken no

than that chicken was cooked by an

elderly cleaning lady who comes here

every

week Crums what you scared of I'm scared

I'm AF feared I I mean I'm afraid

anybody finding me like this with an

attractive girl like you you think I'm

attractive huh Miss Smith would you mind

getting out of here he listen that's the

otherly cleaning lady to tell I like

beef Str off we never get that at the

delinquent

Factory

ohy baby

God just like my old lady to make a good

hair you both hate kids look I don't

hate anybody now I hide in my bedroom

then where are you going to sleep young

lady I happen to have a reputation this

R you're going to keep

it keep all right legs

legs

coming

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

coming

[Music]

coming hi you

beautiful what's all the roet about

having a party no no no I I'm all alone

ooh not anymore I brought a few

goodies baked them in my own little oven

just for you excuse me you must have the

wrong house oh don't you worry about a

thing little mood

music got

[Music]

little mot smells

[Music]

candle

light go and pick these

myself please you you must have lost

your

way this is my

specialty AES them that

is here we

go

oh Martini time

[Music]

oh yeah are you want to like classes me

I'm too dumb for college you you can

call me glce now I sit down and tell me

how you got that are cute gray in your

temples that's white by now now look

Miss um glus stay there Jesse call me

when glattus gets here I'm just going

for a drink is Junior coming

here are you

he thinks so um where am I going to hide

oh he's got such a temper oh what are

you doing oh my my dinner you're ruining

me Mom did you make a boo boo hide in

the

C in the closet I can't get in here your

clothes are too fat what hide in the

bathroom the bathroom

oh I go no I need a drink yes just help

help yourself I I've got to finish

dressing I'm made for dinner me too s

has promised to bring some food over

hasn't shown up yet how about

that get it get

it who is

this is this the woman you're going to

marry I hear you're just stringing the G

along to get free rent Qui please hey

professor I just remembered something

Michael just a minute just a minute I I

Chang it

oh what are you

doing under the bed oh the bed no one

ever asked me to do that before can I

come in a second just a minute

put okay Michael

yeah

what's the matter Professor don't you

like me anymore no that's not sry M

little JY what do you want what you want

the laundry it was closed I I was just

wondering if I could borrow borrow

anything like

borrow what hello Professor Patterson

well did you forget oh no no no no no

drct Bowman the dinner party no I'm so

sorry I've been detain detain your dry

martini is allow to get

damp what's detaining you oh um oh most

interesting dinosaur bone I I dug up in

a most unexpected Place

really where did you find it oh that

were pret telling not

Michael what you Bo are you I told you

the laundry was closed I want to borrow

a shirt Shi

go boy that was fast

somebody's ringing on my door knob I

mean Somebody's knocking on my doorbell

Micha go and see who is Will yeah what

is I'll be with you in a half an hour

all right

Professor din din he's found a dinosaur

bone glis D hello

there is he gone beautiful you are

window Professor there's a Bobby out

here that wants to talk to you about

some kind

of Professor I just want

to

[Music]

thank you thank

you I said there's a Bobby out here

Bobby who

please po

polyps you're not edgy you're over the

edge

yes officer you live here yes at

night I'm so sorry of course Bruce

Patterson Professor Bruce Patterson I

see now you call about a wayward girl

yeah Wayward girl oh no no oh no no no

somebody call him this number and then

cancel the call are you sure it wasn't

you oh no no no it wasn't me my call

have you been using the telephone I

don't get rid of wayward girls I collect

them who's he I sir really a wayward

customer of this quaint Old Pub he he's

a neighbor of mine well actually right

next door do matter of fact I see well

you mind if I look around oh please do

please you got a search warrant do I

have a what a search War see the law

clearly

states see he he's studying law yes by

all man me do please look around in here

in the

kitchen excuse me if I finish dring wear

a jacket a dinner jacket with it when I

out to dinner with some friends and I

suppose I want ready to go if you excuse

me thank you thank

you

lawyer Dy hello

there Dy hello

there Dy Dy are you there hello there

come on

oh I was just having some fun see how

much fun we can have

[Music]

[Applause]

together who does he think he's

kidding you're so wonderful not cheating

on a friend I can't wait till you two

become

enemies thank

[Applause]

you

well hello there

eloping yeah I got a in Here Come

On Wayward please get out of here before

that polican findly cleaning lady bring

my beef string off huh never seen her

before with a bit of luck I'll never see

her again oh you come

on buy yourself some food hey this a

whip hey are you for real hey I'll tell

a gang never to Rob this house all right

you're a knce oh what a than for the

love

[Music]

C gladus hi Junior just the Wayward girl

you called about no no that's my wayward

girl yeah then what was she doing

outside his back window his back window

your back window got the feeling she

just climbed out of that window climb

all right now Professor what's going on

here oh I was just coming over to keep

our date um is this professor Patterson

no oh you said you were going to

introduce

us Professor Patterson glad

schmidl

Professor Charming coule

here loud the night isn't

it you ever seen one of these before

something isn't it it's a a dinosaur the

shin it reminds me of the story of the

dinosaur the Three Dinosaurs I don't

know you know they were called foot foot

foot foot foot and foot and one day foot

foot foot and foot foot and foot were

playing and foot said to foot foot foot

foot I not feeling very well and foot

foot said to foot foot foot foot foot

foot did you hear foot isn't feeling

very well so well cut it it St short

foot died and several weeks later or it

might have been months I don't think it

matters very much story at all foot foot

foot and foot foot were playing and foot

foot said to foot foot foot foot foot

I'm not foot foot foot said I'm not

feeling very well so F said I do hope we

recover because we've got one foot in

the grave

already did you notice how nervous

Professor parison was all evening yeah

like a dinosaur on a Hot Tin Roof yeah I

couldn't get a thing out of him but that

man never goes below the pedol lithic

age where did he find a dinosaur

bone well you don't suppose that

Englishman discovered it here in

California in Santa Monica Lally in my

own backyard I'm glad he found it I

dispose all couldn't handle it where did

he oh where did

he

[Music]

Dear

Professor thanks for the loan but I

never take money from strangers unless I

steal

it PS don't worry I found a place to

sleep

[Music]

hello oh

Paul how are

you oh lunch I am afraid I can't I've

got to go to a

showing Libby no she's in

school

later

well yes I'll be

there

[Music]

okay

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Helen

oh how good it is to see you hurry I

have a surprise for you yeah I have a

surprise for you

too every time I climb those stairs they

get higher oh shy you look Lovelier than

ever you're a charming and a lying

friend oh no no no I mean

it now we both have

surprises which one

first

yours oh Paul it's lovely

lovely oh not my work my

models it's yours a gift from the artist

who adors

both mother and

daughter why did it have to happen this

way Dad Dad D dad

[Applause]

dad

[Applause]

[Music]

what happened the professor cooking

breakfast we eat

sweetheart hey

teach

over here

teach

morning hey what's that you're

wearing

morning merely a device for keeping the

Sea Mist out out of my hair why you

sacking out

here cuz someone was sacking in my bed

but there's a big couch in there this

way Miss Smith nobody can say we slept

under the same

roof anyway I made you some

Child come on Jess we eat

crumbs come

on be quiet he must know you're here

give me

these hey

professor hey professor Michael run out

of the store I'm out of the mil milk

milk yeah milk milk get me some uh

couple of quarts you know the big quarts

the L

size hope you know what you're doing oh

yeah now keep stressed and go before he

comes back was that jerk anyway H jerk

yeah a very nice fellow temporally out

of funds he lives in the trailer in the

front he was here when I rent to the

place s e no I like him and he respects

me you're kidding well I I have no

intentional disillusioning him so please

Goen I didn't know how you liked your EG

so I'm made you three 1 minute eggs two

two minute eggs and one three minute egg

and fried scramble and

post be teach no no thanks very much I'm

too nervous to eat I going to get off a

fat living here living here well I slept

here yeah I stepped out there who's

going to believe you listen this is a

good Hideout Ace and I'm shacking up

till the Heat's over so relax Brucey

baby that sweet adorable child of

yours any man would be happy to be her

father what's wrong with him there's

nothing wrong with

Bruce it's all my

fault see I just didn't get around to

telling him that I'd already been

married so it was pretty hard to bring

up a 17-year-old

daughter an

archaeologist what did you mean him in a

cave not really I rent it in my be

house and where was

Libby away at school well you must tell

him about Libby oh I intend

to of course it may scare him

away I may lose

him

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

yeah hello

there oh oh it's you Junior well Junior

would just like to tell glattus that she

forgot something in the englishman's

bedroom last night what are you uh what

are you talking about then the cop was

right you were in his bedroom last night

all right suppose the cop was right you

don't owe me Junior that's all I wanted

to

know

[Music]

[Music]

hi a I say I would like some privacy

while I'm dressing I knew you were

dressed I already pee Through the

Keyhole ah they're still wet never get

drip dried do we you tell me that you

left those things in full view of

everybody yeah oh what's the

use and where you going Miss Smith I

cannot force it be a VCT because

darkless you would accuse me of

manhandling you yeah I figured it pretty

good the papers are full of Lous men and

an innocent little girl

precisely in the language of your world

I'm up the Diabolical Creek

hey no no wait it ain't that bad I tell

you what I'll do if it gets too do

droppy out there I'll give you my bed

and take the couch okay I'll tell you

what I'll do Miss Smith you can have the

whole place to

yourself what are you mean Ace I mean

that I am going to an hotel where I

shall have proof that I have not been

Consulting with

you D

Smith oh oh boy did I underestimate you

you and your sanctimonious yak yak about

love and marriage and all this time

you're playing around with my glattus

glattus Michael dos absurd absurd huh

all right blighty explain

these

exhibit a exhibit B these your honor are

the property of one gladus schmidlap the

prosecution rests its case yeah live

Michel your honor may I suggest that the

prosecutor gets himself glasses Heaven's

Sake Michael gladus couldn't get into

that and is this Gladis

it uh

couldn't be gladus is it uh it's padded

too where did you get off you got your

nerve patted A little dab of cotton and

you call it patted who who's the small

one with the big mouth Michael I know

you're not going to believe this but I

don't know who she is she broke in here

last night she slept in my bed last

night without my permission of course

she say she escaped from a Reformatory

for delinquents where they beat her and

she's got the black and blue marks to

prove it look Miss Smith please she this

is the name she gave Miss Smith for the

last time in front of a witness will you

please put on your clothes and go D bro

you want me to get a chess called or

something or pneumonia maybe even double

pneumonia funny goodbye Michel I'm get

just a minute I want to ask you a few

question you think gr I intend to find

out I'm his lawyer you a lawyer huh

quite right I you're studying law you're

my first

client

now what's your name why don't you you

go get another drink you're

nutty small stuff you're alone here with

two grown men anything can happen so

answer the

questions all right all

right all right what your name liby

Smith what'd you get sent up for

stealing and they beat you yeah I got

the bruise I'd like to see him

Michael as your lawyer I feel I should

be able to view the evidence however if

you don't want to see her bruises I do

not all all right so you got something

up foris stealing pring what we stole

cars who's we the gang how'd you get

into the gang I met a guy and then what

he introduced me to the rest of the gang

and you started stealing we call it

borrowing and then you started ducking

the police yeah and the professor here

he's your py yeah and if he throws you

out you got him in your big mouth and

say you spent the night that's it

Clarence Professor unpack your bags

you're not going anywhere clar I mean

Michael for one moment I thought you had

the makings Professor I said to unpack

your bags now miss uh Smith yeah Smith

you couldn't have spent the night here

prove it I can because I didn't see you

here how could you see me when I was in

his bed because I was in bed with him

the professor was having one of his

nightmares I was here giving him hot

milk so you couldn't have been alone

with him I am his

witness that's a lion

lie now you prove it well I got a

witness that your girl glattus she was

under his bed last night glattus under a

bed oh ridiculous no no no you're not

going to cause trouble between us allies

that's right allies goodbye little

Smith well Professor you better pop off

the class you're going to be late you

know I'll stay here wait till she goes

lock up all that well thank you Michael

you know you really do have the makings

of a very good barister

with me gone who will be your

witness oh professor

she's just a kid exactly I'll drop you

off at your class

but well good morning Professor

Patterson Professor

bman a neighbor of mine Michael peski oh

how do you do sir

hello well how did you sleep last night

Professor F fine I thought you might

have been up all night looking for the

rest of your dinosaur hardly it's a nice

oh yeah nice me

youas I'll be seeing you again uh

Professor bye

Professor got it go you and Bowman after

the same thing right the university

Grant yes and if you get in trouble and

he's got the grandpa sure trouble yeah

sort of like a scandal like a teenager

oh but my the professor and I are in

Friendly competition just remember that

kid is in your house with that old bone

that he's so interested in I flatly

refuse to believe it why do she go there

why does she pick your place why does

she want to stay there now

think mhm it did press rather a lot of

Martinez on me last night aha see now if

you'd come home stiff and found that kid

there who knows you're English but

you're you're human thank you Michael

will you do me a favor will you drive

straight back

home here's the key to the

door

[Music]

B four

bars got to be Jane

Mansfield

all right Jess where is

she

Libby

liby boy am I glad you're still here I

thought you'd gone I am gone I'm out of

the house you lied to get me out I had

the professor's my buddy but don't you

worry honey no I won't worry but but

listen I talked him out of putting you

out you can stay see yeah why'd you do

that well because honey because you're a

the name's Libby sorry for slim now come

on now sit down come on come on sit down

now look please

please now I'll tell you why you escape

from Reformatory right yeah right well

if you are innocent then you won't have

to go back and um if I could prove that

um they beat you then uh we'd have

ourselves a case wouldn't we simp is

that well if you did keep me out of jail

I don't know how I'd ever repay you

oh even if you were rich I wouldn't take

any of your money no no

no well I'm just a kid

yeah well all I could give you is

some Childish thing like

like

[Applause]

[Music]

did he molest you child not him he's got

a terrible overbite huh that's a

relief one more let's be childish again

you

are so was I childish to listen to you

to think that Dr bman a scientist and

gentleman will behave with such

foolishness luckily I just arrived in

time before you could harm that child

child that's no child it's a 40-year-old

dwarf it takes time to learn how to kiss

like that I can't throw you off a

property Helen gave you parking space

for that mobile sex wagon of yours she

also gave you free electricity and water

in exchange for which were supposed to

have done the chores I've tried to

emulate H's generosity by being kind to

you but in future stay out of my house

out of my bar and out of my

way

[Applause]

[Music]

so I stole cars I was a Jag expert you

know those Jags get a lot of loot from

the used car dealers

mhm you know Sam Basel

buub Basel buub yeah the grinning

Irishman he advertises on TV oh no no

I've only been here for 5 months so I

thought haven't got around to your

better

programs oh that's too good beel bub

bought all the Cs that I

stole ah here he comes the our student

in for his TTY not anymore what do you

want

Michael I I've come to the bar's over

there banister barer all right big deal

so you can

spell you're loudly kiss her

though what is it

Michael one thing you said before is

right I did promise Helen I'd do the

chores in exchange for free parking

space mind if I begin Helen meant raking

the leaves and Shing the caterpillar's

out of the garden you know perfectly

well well Mrs oon does the housew work I

know but I'm emotionally insecure going

all out Libby and I are also going out

going out where we

see he well I better get

dressed come on

Jess like I'm sorry I lost control of

myself today it's okay Professor I I

really am sorry it was Miss I'm becoming

of

me when I uh finish with the floors you

want me to turn her bed down H oh uh no

no she she's not coming

back I I'm taking her out for buite to

eat and then to the sh

station there's nothing like a nut

burger with chili sides on it yeah there

isn't is there

glad you're enjoying

it I like being with

you I enjoy your

company this is a crazy car I feel like

I'm driving with no

hands I'm beginning to see why that

woman you're marrying went for you I

don't know why she did but I'm certainly

glad she

did where are we going

we'll be there in a

minute

dancing uh not exactly

now I like

[Music]

surprises sheriff station

mhm you want me to to go in there you

must well it was a good nut burger with

chili siid on

it I thought you enjoyed my company

please don't make it more

difficult don't worry I won't involve

you of course you won't you f may I kiss

[Music]

you

[Music]

daddy yes Miss would you know when the

next bus LS for Berkeley in about an

hour thank you is there anything

wrong

leby come

here come

on what are you doing here I knew you

wouldn't turn yourself in yeah I hate to

see a kid out in the cold when I got a

nice warm trailer you think I'm 15 or

something it kills me to say this but I

promise no passes and the professor he

won't know you're that

where would you sleep I'll take Jess's

bed oh come

on why would you want to do it because

I'm a crazy mixed up kid true besides

justess barked at you four times now

what does that mean she may never do it

again I want to be

[Music]

sure

you said you enjoyed my company I do I

do you said you enjoyed my company I do

I do you said you enjoyed my company I

do I do you said you enjoyed my company

I do I

do then why you send me back

H you could have made an honest woman

out of me I had to they beat me

[Music]

here did they hurt you liby no I wore my

rubber GLE H I wore my rubber

GLE oh good

sh I'm going to get out of here h

no no you mustn't you mustn't I'm not

already I'm not only going to steal

jagar I'm going to kill all J

ders no no Li you mustn't you mustn't

yeah yeah yeah now get up no no

Li okay blubber if it hadn't been for

legs you might have lived

longer say don't kill

blabber Li me don't kill Mr blabber baby

don't kill

blabber

liby liby

liby don't kill BL Libby put that gun

down stop liby go you BL bullet hurt go

TR BL

liby

Li

I'm sorry I sent you back to the for AR

it very sorry hey well that's all right

cuz I didn't go I'm still here hey teach

hey you didn't shoot that lovely Mr Bel

did you

what you you escaped with your with your

um rubber

girdle

girdle hey you must have had a bad

dream what are you doing here huh well

you were screaming

M where were you well I was out sleeping

in Mike's trailer oh you sure were

screaming Professor

yeah what were you doing in Michael's

trailer sleeping but listen I don't like

his bed it's too lumpy so I think I'll

move back in and take the couch and if

you have any bad dreams I'll make you

some hot milk all

righty come on

kids NY night a

M

you uh just a moment

please yes we were able to get you on

the next plane to New York oh thank you

flight

729 it leaves in 1 hour thank you thank

you very very

[Music]

much guess

who Mrs Roberts I never have known I

won't be Mrs Roberts very long my

husband and I have called it a day so my

nights are free and Helen's away so your

nights are

free I'm late for class

goodbye Mrs

Roberts and this is deck whitting Hill

inviting you back to our first run

second feature the trial of Mabel Smith

turn around Jess you're going to like

this your name Mabel Smith and you claim

the reason you escaped from jail was

that you were beaten do you want to see

my bruises that won't be necessary

why were you in jail in the first place

for stealing for stealing what we stole

cars we who's we the gang how did you

get in the

gang I met a guy he introduced me to the

rest of the gang he introduced me to the

rest of the gang and you started

stealing we called it borrowing or what

we called it borrowing uhuh uhhuh

[Music]

d

[Music]

[Music]

oh

[Music]

oh

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh Professor what are you doing changing

attire Miss

turner oh I see and then you're going to

put on your spare tire that's right Miss

Turner how interesting hardly I mean

it's it's interesting that you always

carry two spare

tires Miss Turner I only carry ones per

tire like everybody

else well then you're wasting your time

Professor Miss

Turner I don't wish to appear rude but

would you please leave me and my puncher

alone okay Professor I'll leave you and

your two punchers

alone I wonder what you meant by

that

Crums Miss

[Music]

Turner D dig you it's TR to keep the

road

this turn out you asking your mind

Professor I can't sleep nights because

of you take kills Miss turna Professor

kiss me kiss me or scam go ahead scream

I can scream like B Davis no no no don't

scream like B Davis and kiss me kiss

me

you missed a place do it where the

lipstick

is

pleas why

Professor oh Mrs Roberts come in sweet

it's drinky time no thank you very much

I'm just leaving leaving you're not

leaving I only took our ology to be near

you miss Turner one of my students you

must be a good

teacher oh thank

you

professor

professor do you realize that I I even

let the air out of your tires just to be

near you thanks for the lift M

turn

[Music]

yeah

hi hi where you been Barrister school

when can we talk car

borrower hey what's the patch for you

breaking out again come on let's talk

you're not going to catch anything here

I

know but I do keep

trying oh hey I got a big one get

it give me that hold on go it now hold

on

oh hold on my hey come on give me it's

my I got what do you mean who's pulling

him in you got him I got him first you

can't even hold on to the phone watch

out help I can't

swim

I

liby you're worst than L Turner he

almost

drowned what I'm giving you artif

respiration get a fire department right

yeah you stiner why till I tell the

Professor what are you going to tell her

your Helen's

daughter what are you talking about I

should have noticed the resemblance

right off you're beautiful just like

your

mother and I'm nutty about

you you're nutty period where'd you get

to key the attic that door is always

locked it was

you please don't say

anything not for me but for my

mother

all

right it's a deal thank

you coming lie

down thanks for saving my

life what is

this

the fire chaps are coming but I'll sure

be happy when the PO motor gets here I

could use a little

myself come on you chaps okay kid we'll

take

over

[Music]

[Music]

to

[Music]

he

[Music]

he

[Music]

get

what L it could

be what do you looking for my bone it's

missing missing now how could that bone

be missing I don't know somebody must

have taken it it couldn't just walk away

why not it's a leg bone Michael that is

a very important bone I want to show it

to Dean Curly

tomorrow

Michael you don't think

that Jess took it come on Professor Jess

likes her she's not going to take your

old bone are you Jess huh

Jessica looks very

guilty if she did take it she would have

left traces in the

sand there you are she did drag it

away

oh come on don't just stand there

where hello Professor

Patterson oh hello Miss pilham Lovely

[Music]

there there he is y are

oh Professor look oh he's digging like a

dog probably an English

B here it is I knew it I knew

it look at the size of that

[Music]

b oh don't do

this it's a dinosaur beautiful

speci relax Professor you've got your

old bone Michael it isn't the bone I'm

sorry Professor so let's turn to let the

smog out of your and what out of my

tires sit down tell me all about it I'm

so wey of it

all Professor you've got the kind of

problem that every American man would

like to have Michael it's no joking

matter these girls will drive me up the

wall you can stop it if you

want uh be

aggressive chase him I'll leave you

alone say that

again well take me for instance M I run

after

girls I come up

empty you supposed to have success with

the opposite

sex to be perfectly honest with you

Professor the only girls I get are the

ones that I promised to introdu UC to

you oh Michael you must be

jesting makes me sick to be so honest

but we take glattus for instance now the

only reason she brings me food and drink

is so I'll introduce her to

you and Dolly remember

Dolly wasn't you the one who hid in the

back of my car now Dolly's the one who

pretended to faint in your bathtub

gracious yes how could I possibly forget

her bent down to pull her out and got

all his bubbles in

yeah

yeah be aggressive

Shas H that's it

Professor I couldn't do that it's it's

against my basic

character you could do it with a bit of

stimulus

come now uh you know the story of Dr je

Mr Hyde of course I do classic tale

split personality SK fic Dr jaal drinks

the potion and turns into the HS to hide

right a

scge and

[Music]

ribbon

potion I know you don't drink but

greetings Mr

[Music]

Hyde you really think this would make

any

difference it'll take time a couple of

seconds will you bring in the bags

please yes lady oh hello

Frank oh hello Miss

Bush so happy see you home thank you

it's good to be

home you don't feel anything no not a

thing don't particularly care for the

taste of it either maybe I shouldn't

have made it with scotch and bourbon

I'll make this one with vodka there's no

taste of vodka look what it does for

[Music]

aita are you following me well I thought

perhaps I could be of some help in case

things do not go as you wish oh po oh

you are a deer thank you I was just on

the way to the beach tell him of liby

yes I'm going to tell him about

Libby

well Jesse honey you're glad to see me

hi hello how are you Miss bushmill is

Bruce around um he's still at the

college oh well I didn't call him cuz I

wanted to be surprised

[Music]

yeah

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

guess who

[Music]

Splendid

Professor I'm going to enroll in your

classes I did that crazy homework you

do with your

pupils gorgeous creature you

[Music]

okay what happened to

you well that that's Brooks and Mrs

[Music]

Robert it's because

um

[Music]

that is Bruce without his

trousers

Professor Martini

time wait for

[Music]

[Applause]

Daddy

ooh Professor what cute shorts you going

swimming I'll join you why waste time

swimming my little stuff

do Professor what's wrong with you

nothing Alo not to mention

[Music]

o

[Music]

ah there you are

[Music]

what

hello Professor Patterson oh miss

kilington another lovely

day excuse

me

ho Mone but don't do that because

[Music]

you

[Music]

easy turner oh

Professor what are you

doing

H Mike

[Music]

[Applause]

Mike oh

my bye-bye

Michael boy it worked just what you

[Music]

said Miss bushmill let me explain I got

him drunk you see no no I don't see

there he is shy Englishman I fell in

love

[Music]

with

l

when you were gone the phone rang I

answered

it it was Libby's

school she has been missing for a week

missing they said they tried to reach

you missing where could she

be

look

mother

shyy mother

you what happen why did you run away I

just heard

[Music]

missing he scares me sitting there like

that what are you Whispering about he

couldn't hear a cape canaval blast off I

never saw anybody that not even my

mother it's like he's dead hey easy on

the curves

[Music]

huh you all right

professor

hang on old boy we're almost

there very goes just like

mother oh thank

you

honey what's wrong I have to talk to you

about something uh you two ladies all Mr

[Music]

Dick excuse

me Helen

you you

maniac de listen to me I have done all

the listening I intend to do you You Too

Faced Judas

I saw you today you and your ridiculous

umbrella when I first met you that

umbrella was Charming it was it was a

bit of old England now it's become a

symbol of my

stupidity I should have known that any

man who carried an umbrella in

California was a fool but not as big a

fool as I've been mother listen please

please listen tell I'm happy to tell you

that I did not tell you the whole truth

I have a 17-year-old daughter I'm 18

today an 18-year-old daughter happy

birthday happy

[Music]

birthday a ridiculous

Englishman ridiculous umbrella

[Music]

on

darling please forgive

me it's raining in California forgive me

too please I'm living yes liby Smith

bushmill

harison liby Smith bushmill

patteron palaski well that's the way it

was we were all wet all together in

togetherness and don't feel sorry for

Gladis schmidlap she did all right Paul

and Gladis are now very happy in Paris

where I think they got

married and Helen and the professor they

had their honeymoon in the desert where

they're really

digging and let's not forget Professor

Bowman you find any bones yet

sweetheart no no bones but there's

something strange down here drain what

do you

[Music]

mean

he