Original subtitles

I'm Jordan Klepper, and this is the anal

I'm Jordan Klepper, and this is the anal

I'm Jordan Klepper, and this is the anal A zone.

A zone.

A zone. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> 70% sure that's how you pronounce it.

>> 70% sure that's how you pronounce it.

>> 70% sure that's how you pronounce it. Tonight, we're talking about the

Tonight, we're talking about the

Tonight, we're talking about the election for governor in California. And

election for governor in California. And

election for governor in California. And after frontrunner Eric Swalwell dropped

after frontrunner Eric Swalwell dropped

after frontrunner Eric Swalwell dropped out to spend more time with his

out to spend more time with his

out to spend more time with his lawsuits, this race is wide open. For

lawsuits, this race is wide open. For

lawsuits, this race is wide open. For the first time in 20 years, a Republican

the first time in 20 years, a Republican

the first time in 20 years, a Republican could win statewide office.

could win statewide office.

could win statewide office. >> And because of California's jungle

>> And because of California's jungle

>> And because of California's jungle primary, Democrats could wind up shut

primary, Democrats could wind up shut

primary, Democrats could wind up shut out of the general election if none of

out of the general election if none of

out of the general election if none of them make it to those top two slots.

them make it to those top two slots.

them make it to those top two slots. Okay, sure. A Republican could win, but

Okay, sure. A Republican could win, but

Okay, sure. A Republican could win, but this is California. All the Democrats

this is California. All the Democrats

this is California. All the Democrats have to do is find a candidate with the

have to do is find a candidate with the

have to do is find a candidate with the slightest bit of charisma, and this

slightest bit of charisma, and this

slightest bit of charisma, and this thing is just over. How about uh how

thing is just over. How about uh how

thing is just over. How about uh how about former HHS Secretary Xavier

about former HHS Secretary Xavier

about former HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra? Just finished a session session

Becerra? Just finished a session session

Becerra? Just finished a session session to talk about the governor's race at the

to talk about the governor's race at the

to talk about the governor's race at the theater.

theater.

theater. Finished my session.

Finished my session.

Finished my session. I deserve a little treat.

I deserve a little treat.

I deserve a little treat. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] [cheering]

>> Yikes.

>> Yikes.

>> Yikes. This feels like running into your math

This feels like running into your math

This feels like running into your math teacher at the mall.

teacher at the mall.

teacher at the mall. Wow, great to see you out, Mr. Becerra.

Wow, great to see you out, Mr. Becerra.

Wow, great to see you out, Mr. Becerra. Cool drink. Okay, fine. Fine. How about

Cool drink. Okay, fine. Fine. How about

Cool drink. Okay, fine. Fine. How about uh you, billionaire Tom Steyer? Let's

uh you, billionaire Tom Steyer? Let's

uh you, billionaire Tom Steyer? Let's see if if that you have that that that

see if if that you have that that that

see if if that you have that that that California cool.

Hello.

I never thought I'd say this, but I

I never thought I'd say this, but I

I never thought I'd say this, but I think I prefer the real Love Actually.

think I prefer the real Love Actually.

think I prefer the real Love Actually. Okay, you know what? We're we're looking

Okay, you know what? We're we're looking

Okay, you know what? We're we're looking for someone with a little more energy

for someone with a little more energy

for someone with a little more energy here. How about Katie Porter? You

here. How about Katie Porter? You

here. How about Katie Porter? You >> I don't want to keep doing this. I'm

>> I don't want to keep doing this. I'm

>> I don't want to keep doing this. I'm going to call it. Thank you.

You're not going to do the interview

You're not going to do the interview

You're not going to do the interview with us.

with us.

with us. >> Nope, not like this I'm not. Okay, all

>> Nope, not like this I'm not. Okay, all

>> Nope, not like this I'm not. Okay, all right.

right.

right. Maybe not that kind of energy. I just I

Maybe not that kind of energy. I just I

Maybe not that kind of energy. I just I just want a real human being. How about

just want a real human being. How about

just want a real human being. How about you, Matt Mahan? You know, some mayors

you, Matt Mahan? You know, some mayors

you, Matt Mahan? You know, some mayors have photos [music] at the airport in

have photos [music] at the airport in

have photos [music] at the airport in the cities they represent. Others have

the cities they represent. Others have

the cities they represent. Others have plaques. Here in the capital of Silicon

plaques. Here in the capital of Silicon

plaques. Here in the capital of Silicon Valley, I have a hologram. Digital

Valley, I have a hologram. Digital

Valley, I have a hologram. Digital mayor,

mayor,

mayor, >> [music]

>> [music]

>> [music] >> what are your thoughts on giving me a

>> what are your thoughts on giving me a

>> what are your thoughts on giving me a raise this year?

I'm focused on welcoming visitors and

I'm focused on welcoming visitors and

I'm focused on welcoming visitors and sharing San Jose.

sharing San Jose.

sharing San Jose. Man, it's going to be really strange

Man, it's going to be really strange

Man, it's going to be really strange when a new mom goes into that pod to

when a new mom goes into that pod to

when a new mom goes into that pod to breastfeed before her flight.

breastfeed before her flight.

breastfeed before her flight. Hi, I'm Digital Mayor Matt Mahan. It

Hi, I'm Digital Mayor Matt Mahan. It

Hi, I'm Digital Mayor Matt Mahan. It looks like you're whipping out your

looks like you're whipping out your

looks like you're whipping out your bazongas to nurture your child. Can I

bazongas to nurture your child. Can I

bazongas to nurture your child. Can I help you with that?

help you with that?

help you with that? You see the problem? All these Dems are

You see the problem? All these Dems are

You see the problem? All these Dems are rizzless, and it's left the door open

rizzless, and it's left the door open

rizzless, and it's left the door open for Republicans like this guy, Sheriff

for Republicans like this guy, Sheriff

for Republicans like this guy, Sheriff Chad Bianco. Now, his vibe is kind of

Chad Bianco. Now, his vibe is kind of

Chad Bianco. Now, his vibe is kind of all the Village People at once.

all the Village People at once.

all the Village People at once. And I will admit, Chad Bianco is a very

And I will admit, Chad Bianco is a very

And I will admit, Chad Bianco is a very strong name. It's the kind of name that

strong name. It's the kind of name that

strong name. It's the kind of name that gives you permission to speak about

gives you permission to speak about

gives you permission to speak about yourself in the third person.

yourself in the third person.

yourself in the third person. Chad Bianco will have the seabass, thank

Chad Bianco will have the seabass, thank

Chad Bianco will have the seabass, thank you very much.

you very much.

you very much. So, you know what? Let's hear it from

So, you know what? Let's hear it from

So, you know what? Let's hear it from this macho man himself. Chad Bianco,

this macho man himself. Chad Bianco,

this macho man himself. Chad Bianco, what are you bringing to the table? I am

what are you bringing to the table? I am

what are you bringing to the table? I am the antithesis to California state

the antithesis to California state

the antithesis to California state government.

You whiffed on that antithesis there,

You whiffed on that antithesis there,

You whiffed on that antithesis there, Chad.

Chad.

Chad. You know what? I guess that's why this

You know what? I guess that's why this

You know what? I guess that's why this primary is somehow being led by

primary is somehow being led by

primary is somehow being led by Republican Steve Hilton, who despite

Republican Steve Hilton, who despite

Republican Steve Hilton, who despite what you might think isn't part of the

what you might think isn't part of the

what you might think isn't part of the hotel family or the Moby family. No.

hotel family or the Moby family. No.

hotel family or the Moby family. No. Hilton is a former Fox News host, and

Hilton is a former Fox News host, and

Hilton is a former Fox News host, and he's got Donald Trump's endorsement,

he's got Donald Trump's endorsement,

he's got Donald Trump's endorsement, which would put him at odds with most

which would put him at odds with most

which would put him at odds with most California voters. So, he must have a

California voters. So, he must have a

California voters. So, he must have a background that that resonates with

background that that resonates with

background that that resonates with them. It all started with freedom. I was

them. It all started with freedom. I was

them. It all started with freedom. I was born in England. My earliest political

born in England. My earliest political

born in England. My earliest political memory was Mrs. Thatcher. Oh.

memory was Mrs. Thatcher. Oh.

memory was Mrs. Thatcher. Oh. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. He was born in England, but I'm I'm

He was born in England, but I'm I'm

He was born in England, but I'm I'm assuming he came to America as a young

assuming he came to America as a young

assuming he came to America as a young boy. My parents were so proud [music]

boy. My parents were so proud [music]

boy. My parents were so proud [music] when I made it to Oxford University. And

when I made it to Oxford University. And

when I made it to Oxford University. And then when I got a job with the

then when I got a job with the

then when I got a job with the Conservative Party, working for Margaret

Conservative Party, working for Margaret

Conservative Party, working for Margaret Thatcher.

Thatcher.

Thatcher. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Still in England through college, worked

Still in England through college, worked

Still in England through college, worked for Margaret Thatcher, et cetera, et

for Margaret Thatcher, et cetera, et

for Margaret Thatcher, et cetera, et cetera. Okay, then but but then then it

cetera. Okay, then but but then then it

cetera. Okay, then but but then then it was it was time to move to America. I

was it was time to move to America. I

was it was time to move to America. I started [music] a business, even a

started [music] a business, even a

started [music] a business, even a couple of restaurants. Later, I helped

couple of restaurants. Later, I helped

couple of restaurants. Later, I helped elect a prime minister,

elect a prime minister,

elect a prime minister, worked in 10 Downing [music] Street.

worked in 10 Downing [music] Street.

worked in 10 Downing [music] Street. WHEN THE DID THIS GUY MOVE TO AMERICA?

WHEN THE DID THIS GUY MOVE TO AMERICA?

WHEN THE DID THIS GUY MOVE TO AMERICA? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> IS HE RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OR GOV'NA,

>> IS HE RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OR GOV'NA,

>> IS HE RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OR GOV'NA, HUH?

HUH?

HUH? >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> DID HE DECIDE TO ENTER THE RACE ON THE

>> DID HE DECIDE TO ENTER THE RACE ON THE

>> DID HE DECIDE TO ENTER THE RACE ON THE flight over?

flight over?

flight over? Do you have anything to declare at

Do you have anything to declare at

Do you have anything to declare at customs? Uh yeah, my candidacy for

customs? Uh yeah, my candidacy for

customs? Uh yeah, my candidacy for gov'na of California.

gov'na of California.

gov'na of California. Okay, so when did this guy finally move

Okay, so when did this guy finally move

Okay, so when did this guy finally move here? In 2012, [music]

here? In 2012, [music]

here? In 2012, [music] we moved to America, to California.

we moved to America, to California.

we moved to America, to California. 2012?

2012?

2012? The office came to America before he

The office came to America before he

The office came to America before he did.

And on behalf of the Comedy Central

And on behalf of the Comedy Central

And on behalf of the Comedy Central Programming Department, we thank you.

Programming Department, we thank you.

Programming Department, we thank you. All right, Stevie, enough about merry

All right, Stevie, enough about merry

All right, Stevie, enough about merry old England. What's your vision for

old England. What's your vision for

old England. What's your vision for California? Great jobs, great homes,

California? Great jobs, great homes,

California? Great jobs, great homes, great kids.

great kids.

great kids. >> Great jobs, great homes, great kids.

>> Great jobs, great homes, great kids.

>> Great jobs, great homes, great kids. Great jobs, great homes, great kids.

Great jobs, great homes, great kids.

Great jobs, great homes, great kids. Great kids?

Great kids?

Great kids? This British guy just fell out of the

This British guy just fell out of the

This British guy just fell out of the sky, and now he's going to tell you how

sky, and now he's going to tell you how

sky, and now he's going to tell you how to raise your kids? He's like bald Mary

to raise your kids? He's like bald Mary

to raise your kids? He's like bald Mary Poppins over here.

Poppins over here.

Poppins over here. Hello, hello. I'll fix UP YOUR WICKED

Hello, hello. I'll fix UP YOUR WICKED

Hello, hello. I'll fix UP YOUR WICKED KIDS. CHEERIO, INNIT? LOOK, now you

KIDS. CHEERIO, INNIT? LOOK, now you

KIDS. CHEERIO, INNIT? LOOK, now you might not care which of these freaks or

might not care which of these freaks or

might not care which of these freaks or duds gets elected as governor, but you

duds gets elected as governor, but you

duds gets elected as governor, but you should. Because of California's size and

should. Because of California's size and

should. Because of California's size and economic might, their laws often affect

economic might, their laws often affect

economic might, their laws often affect the rest of us. And handing that power

the rest of us. And handing that power

the rest of us. And handing that power to the wrong person is simply the

to the wrong person is simply the

to the wrong person is simply the the

the

the What's the word? The antithesis.

What's the word? The antithesis.

What's the word? The antithesis. >> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> It's the antithesis of what we want.