Original subtitles

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if this story bears any resemblance to

the British Navy may I be hoist on a

column a hundred and forty-five feet

high in the centre of London

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in all my 40 years in the service I've

never read such an outrageous connection

of misinformation I think think attorney

meant as a guide a guide

good heavens if the country acted on

these figures we'd be bankrupt within a

week yes

listen to this even with a seven pound

penalty Danny Boy is quite capable of

romping McCambridge er romping if he

couldn't even crawl it knows this feller

worked under me at having beached yes I

think we're nearly there's where the

advert is why do they have to have a

disability ball van kempens on a oh I

think ought to be through by lunch times

of court-martial or not that ought to do

it

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it's a pattern like 40min my fault

the mobster rejected

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I'm sorry about all this huh yes yes sir

my and that's not about the finished

business on the hedges I have a very

serious complaint Great Scott is it

catching and there's I meant I'm making

a complaint about that kind of fell with

that Oh see what you mean

if tenant farewell o Z from the Apple to

research stations I sent to his dog Sam

did you in the briefcase oh we got

another thing then he ran as I explained

on the phone sir I considered as a

matter of extreme urgency yes yes yes

what's a fella down a he shot a two-ton

rocket through my bathroom window huh

did what shot a rocket through my

bathroom window and were you yes sir

most embarrassing the navy's missiles

aren't good enough a fair-weather sir he

has a mania for trying to improve them

and for pardoning them in the wrong

direction had seen I realized we need

all these specialists sir but this man

must be removed immediately

what do you mean from the Navy or from

the station's far away from the station

was possible yes yes of course where is

his phenazine yeah these are tight zone

well get him any ones otherwise I'm

gonna miss the first race I mean the

first law send in lieutenant Fairweather

immediately quickest thing would be

passing over to a court-martial wouldn't

it unfortunately so farewell as uncle is

the commander in chief yes he is this

extenuating circumstances come in

lieutenant Fairweather good morning sir

you know why you're here yes sir and if

I might be allowed to explain but one of

our Majesty's rockets know not matter

their Majesty sir what of mine honey

yeah well I call it the Fairweather

forked mark three my own invention sir a

special homing missile turned out to be

the commander's home is that quite true

sand I have apologized most profusely to

the commander and he has every right to

be upset but you see I think I know what

happens that my missile is attracted to

the disturbance of water caused by an

enemy ships propeller my house hasn't

got a propeller exactly so I can only

assume that just as the rocket passed

over the commander's house some sudden

flash of waters iron a bigger pond sir

there appears to have been a similar

error judgment with the Fairweather mark

- no sir there was quite different there

was a faulty electrical circuits and it

seems to have changed the wavelength of

every radio control rocket on the base

say nothing of a sudden Cofield

television transmitter that might be a

bad thing shut up

I dig upon it was only momentary son no

worse than sunspots and fair weather the

dimes come to pose to where you can do

no more damage I do see this of it if I

might be given one more chance to give a

practical demonstration we're gonna give

you one more chance fair weather to stay

in the Navy

oh no good officers appointment yes see

what they've got at Scapa Flow

I'm afraid I can't go to scapa flow why

not

that was the fair with a fork and Mark

one blew a hole in the MOU will they

work planning to demolish it anyway sir

offices appointments yes yes who

Fairweather

oh no not again there's nobody else he's

been everywhere already alright we'll

try I suppose we couldn't send him to

see what will scuttle a fleet well we've

run out of shore bases unless a mothball

fleet the mothball fleet what have we

got well we can go through them all sir

fine graves in Tilbury Rochester Rothsay

well he can't get into trouble in a ship

that's made up hate you mr. Barkley do

you know anything about the barclays

never heard of it

well according to this she's been in

mothballs for the last three years in a

place called Meadows end in Suffolk who

is this here doesn't you two have had on

the last two years what good grief

someone's dropped it clang uh yes we

have sir put that back in a file someone

have better be posted immediately to

fella in any other branch of the

services you would have been

court-martialed but as this is the Navy

you want to be posted to a ship as

officer in command officer in command

yes this is wonderful there's a place in

Suffolk called meadows and well there's

nothing there's a place in Wales called

land via both Queen Gidget you quarrel

who and drill waffle and easily oh go go

to golf course you will proceed to HR in

sparkly mode admit is end I will indeed

sir the small place a little off the

beaten track oh that's all right as long

as it's near the waters Meadows end you

want to pop that at 1,800 tomorrow yeah

I guess all right fair with us

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excusa which way to open meadows n is it

this way or the did that way if I was

going on medicine I'll go to the big

whistle

that you would but tell me which is the

quickest way can't you read the sign

most because I can read the sign first

that I'm asked you

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good afternoon good afternoon you pay by

the shortcut I see I came back the

shortcut I can't see is there anywhere I

can wash course of course anything for

the Navy follow me this way this way

Lily it's open time for the lieutenant

Saturday you can have a clean towel

that's very kind of you Lily anything

for the Navy really really refreshing to

find people who appreciate the Navy

appreciate them I don't know what we do

without them hug Charlie if you run for

a minute little bit huh

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come on thank you have a bit of target

left Ellen is that Lilly no this is

Suzanne Suzanne hello hello hello did

you want to see Lily not anymore

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you are leaving leftenant scrubbed and

refitted a well I'm extremely obliged

you know I buy you a drink no this house

what slippin what a pink gin if I maybe

I really like to pay you here all the

time

wait he is my uncle what he's your uncle

yes you see my uncle's daughter Elle

goes to Paris to learn French with my

mother who is her aunt and so welcome to

learn English with her father is my

uncle who company not a single word but

it sounds absolutely wonderful

well laughs Dylan you're very good

helpful what you know Oh No baekje is it

all right yeah I put it in the woodshed

what you Suzanne hi baby

I'm sorry sir that's all right baby

carry on

thank you sir one of the boys from the

Barclay HMS Barclay I don't know what do

we do without them really what isn't

that nice uncle says they're the finest

smartest bunch of lads you could hope to

meet smartest bunch of them and uncle

says it's you miss Buckley is a real

credit to her Majesty's Navy well I

can't tell you how happy that makes me

cuz I'm her new commanding officer

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quick where's the [ __ ] when pareve

steady what's out it was awfully coming

aboard that's what's up an officer do me

a favor

we don't be broody if I don't find a bow

she doing the accounts ploy something

wrong it's there right up it like Sophia

Pappas hate me till Perry trouble at the

hate me one pound 11 intemperance hey

Zoe

Bose we've been hearing many of them

seven save me he's only down at the

pickup whistle I nearly was standing the

other bar oh it's all right carry on

buddy

easy now wait a minute wait a minute who

said Wow how did you come on Dino Vita

or what we've had no fries are posted

yep no I'm not already with my own ears

oh I'm the new come on Daniel the artist

Oh baby baby they can get back the

village tell them no more collection

till we got this stuff sorted out right

right go open the radar tower keep a

lookout once get that watching up a line

goes

pushed all right lads let's get these

out the way and lose those well man what

are you doing I'm trying to keep the

rattle that's what huh but look I had 70

le turnip will you listen to me any

second now through that door is gonna

walk the new commanding officer of HMS

battling No yeah so you better look

lively and get everything ready for

what'll I do about my goods how many you

got twelve are painted flatten them down

put a notice on the door keep out rabies

lucky anything you like anyone in the

boiler room boiler room it's going

full-tilt it would be sir

I admire you and I respect you but right

now I could do you

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[Applause]

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get up at oh man quick getaway

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ah chief petty officer huh i'm leftenant

farewell your new commanding officer no

commanding officer yes

oh I see that's her I am the boss the

chief petty officer the dark elixir Oh

how'd you do dr. Dee honey you know sir

I've been in charge since the last

officer left really didn't anyone come

aboard

no as a matter of fact we oh man I'll

take you so much we've been a bit out of

touch for the base Lake you know that

sometimes it is taking the ball i'lli'll

fix a working party right away how many

men do we have a board 11 mentoring

floor to myself can I get them fell in

fear so yes if it's not too much trouble

Casta hat is fine yes company

lieutenant well it certainly bears out

everything I've heard about you in the

village your smartness enjoy efficiency

now I'm left to the fair whether your

new commanding officer you don't know

much about me yet but you'll be

surprised how much I already know about

you now I realize it must be rather

tricky for you having to cope without

knobs on board I'm sure you'd be

managing to make the best of it all I

want you to do in the future is to carry

on exactly as you have in the past and

I'm sure that in so doing you'll be able

to keep up the good relations already

established with the people I'm sure

they're chicken I believe it is huh I

never thought I'd see a chicken on board

ship neither did i sir any of you not

know anything about chickens oh no a

little bit

grab that burden put it back ashore or

others next thing we know we'll probably

find a whole nest of eggs in the gun

turrets carry on bearson chefs tomorrow

I can have a look around the ship can't

we be observing the usual custom sir but

I hope so huh what is it

well their new commanding officer don't

we run Russian double rough yes indeed

me to die like that like the Mainbrace

three queues for the new come on it over

time Hawkins was a steward pocket sir Oh

how'd you do perfume I can't show

leftenant air whether to his cabin and

grab that bag right if you'll just step

this way okay thank you

well I think you better clear deck and

give him space to maneuver either way

you'll begin your rocket baby

what for my experiments I'm in research

rocket research if they think I'm gonna

drop my project they're out of there

white all mine yes sir there is the big

big ride so Jen foot nose to tail is the

Fairweather porkin back for where were

you thinking of putting medicine

I thought we'd stick it up on the bridge

on the fridge look right now I'd like a

bath more than anything and I took the

shortcut I run don't you worry I I want

you to go to the car yes sir and there

are two oxygen cylinders and a couple of

cowboys of distilled water you might see

that very carefully under tea would you

mind very good you haven't been in

command of the ship before and it was

epic I spent most of my staff is ashore

and I suspect we shall be a little rusty

on our ships routine we shoud I'm sure

the bosons got everything very well

organized oh you can say that again

I said I'm sure the boat has got they're

still dwarfs yeah thank you

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thank you

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hang on

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come on everybody it's right over there

yes I don't know if you're unreasonable

there's a pig in the courtroom tapes

have a big s we could rip this on the

floor oh yes that'll be the sow his

Miranda it's Miranda yes I'm a ship's

master never I fish it having a pig as a

mascot he said anything in Queens

regulations to say that they can't have

one lady in Queens regulations to say

that you've got to show the wardroom

nothing commissions are moments have ya

where's the other one

oh there's only one sir one ship one

mascot look at him in the stork brought

that lot no no no yes he yeah ships

mascots are loud we can pass it the same

with the rest of us sir

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any person I meet apartment I just got

I'd pop along and tell you there's

nothing in Edward the instructions to

say that we can't have a bigger boat you

must be very relieved we don't

consciously break the regulations do it

we start my daughter mm-hmm I know this

is quite an unofficial visit I just

thought I'd ask you about the

arrangements for the men's pay the men's

pace our favorite one of the men paid on

pay day the same as everyone else yes I

realize that but presumably from now on

ice will be taking over paper and as

isotopes likely so I mean I must confess

that it's been a burden that's been

thrust on my shoulders I'm not an

overeducated man and it's just through

all his hard work that I am where I am

today

I must confess when it comes to neighbor

procedure I'm a bit rusty myself well

sir if there's anything I can do to

enlighten you I shall only be to please

well let's start with the pain literally

the pale edges insecure man yes it is

it's really magnificent it couldn't we

do that tomorrow Sarah I mean you must

have had no I have a look at it not on

it hard day yeah well you'd like a drink

while we're going through the pain

cocktail cabinet

yes sir a present from my father he

betrayed say ready if anything else I

can get you maybe you'd like to come out

cigar no no no cigar cool rollers yes

say I make nipson present for me brother

he's in a trade - sir I think I'll smoke

it while we're going through the ledger

the pale edges

what is that it yes rather a strange

place to keep it well it helps to keep

the pages pressed and I said well you

certainly do yourself jolly well down

here Burson yes the idea dad is a nice

comfort that's a present for my sister

Sam maybe she in the trade - I'd rather

not talk about my sister sir

oh I'm sorry got a match yes I have

could I see ships company a 59 right 59

well that was when a ship was being run

professor

I mean before we have a proper crew this

is the spacer well then sir the ship's

company pretty nice yes well that's

right sir and yet it isn't right there

only when you including yourself

absolutely correct got it man

yes I have you absolutely correction

that's if you want to find the mean

average I explained that I don't know

what you're talking about

well if you double the total and divide

by 4.6 you'll find that you get the mean

average divided by four point six yes to

find a common denominator there you

might as well say double it and take

away the W first off well we all have

our own way of doing me yes well my ways

how many crew how much Pig total it up

yes well that's a very excellent way of

doing it but you wouldn't have to forget

about the fiddling the lodging and the

non-substantive allowances yes sir

then of course there's the the

punishment fund the family allowances

and the National Health Fund the

National Health fun oh yes sir and then

of course you mustn't overlook the

sports front allowance on the hard line

- no no now he mustn't overlook there

must wait hours I mean the boys they're

all being upgraded

there's their differential with the red

white and blue watches you see there's

all that person I think perhaps on the

next paper and I should sit beside you

and watch that's a very good ideas nice

and homeless own yeah well that's what

the ship is to all of us harm from home

spinach yeah you didn't mind me asking

about the tailor did you not

hey hey hey get the boys in the mess

deck quick now the main thing is don't

panic it's no good you all running

around like a lot of blue ice flies we

got a box cover till we got him wait up

he doesn't look too bright does he you

know still you can always call my first

impressions but in this case I hope we

can how is he sleeping like a baby

where's Teddy working with the chickens

working with him uncle my to make him

safe enough but it's all very well for

you to say box clever but what about my

deliveries now don't you start I'll have

it all fixed tomorrow tomorrow my place

trees got a good name in the village and

I'm not gonna start sending them style

stuff well bake some more tonight

tonight yes tonight and that goes for

all of you cuz for a while we're gonna

have to work nights

now lovely husband laundry I still got

all mrs. Higgins smalls from the pig and

whistle sheets can't find a postman

scums everything all right now buzz yes

no thanks to you of all the places that

what a pig well it was printing stations

wasn't it and I suppose I didn't tell

you to load those chicken not on huh

bows honestly that was not my fault he'd

picked his way right through the back of

the gun color well watch it all of you

keep the new boy happy and keep your

noses clean got it Perkins here I'll

give him a slap of breakfast at all

seven dah blow cuz if we get any more

Pearlie you'll want to get a bed earlier

right right and if I hear one more peep

out of your chickens in the morning I'll

declare you right up a dividend alright

lads

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five minutes to go

I've got me in trouble - where's a

coffee on the stove Joe Joe maids of

honor 0-3 lad stall ready boss alright

let's see now

eggs coffee milk nice new sugar

marmalade where's his napkin around the

toast he wants to wipe his mouth not his

toast you're never gonna be a head

waiter you know that don't you yes this

[ __ ]

I've only got two pairs of hands you've

got no intelligence that's your trouble

right now off you go and treat him like

your girlfriend as long as we keep them

happy we're all right

my girlfriend never eats breakfast and

not surprised with your face down at her

everyone and go and get off now - not

you I was just gonna get some sleep

there's no sleep for the wicked my land

gonshichi begin a ruler and measure of a

left Alan's boot does he wear boots

now he's both booties car-boot what a

bunch of Charlie you don't think you're

gonna lend us his car dear bus any toys

he's gonna drive it for us

are you kidding I'm not kidding if we

can get into the village just once the

day we can make all our deliveries what

do you think you're doing listening

listening you're supposed to be magic

cripes myth boys ah well there you are

now if you worried more about what y'all

do and instead of wearing yourself all

the time about what I'm doing they're a

bit small a thing I'm getting a bit

short of village well why don't you tell

me about these things you don't have to

keep it a secret

willing then put some all sides I made

it simple hey both what's gonna happen

to us when they find out down at the

base that we haven't got a full crew on

board that's a very long sentence and

that's probably what you'll get

your breakfast er thank you I trust we

slept well okay well I I kept dreaming I

heard [ __ ] crying but otherwise it

break this always like oh no sir

sometimes we have a little home cured

bacon from the village oh nice - okay

ladies woman carrying a gun Oh your

shirt

wash denying sir really I never knew

laundries like this still existed ah

well you have to know where to look is

there anything else maybe there's I

wonder if I could have this on there

could I breakfast in bed rather Myles

you're having my appendix out oh of

course sir

oh and when you have those carboys put

up in the wheelhouse the wheelhouse I

take it we have a wheel oh of course

Oh ask the ship's carpenter to meet me

on the bridge whatever tell him to bring

his saw I might want to cut a few holes

cut a few holes you smell of cooking

from the foundry across the river must

be a pork pie factory oh no that'll be

cooked burning the rubbish sir getting

ready for your inspection Oh Merson

expected me to inspect the ship is he

we've been up all night

you know quite frankly Perkins I think

these inspections are a waste of

everybody's time don't you well I mean

it isn't as if anything's missing with

him you haven't sailed the fun level not

yet it's all a little protocol and red

tape all I need is a brief presume and

the ship usual guns for now yes sir

Jeff's challenges port and starboard

radonezh D oh there you are you see when

you inspected one ship you inspected

them all I think it would be easier find

it on there yeah well in that case

you're welcome packets there are two

more things soon yes sir

that's one of them this is the other ah

well speak up packing the Christmas Club

sir a christmas-gram

yes we saved up our rations it's for

Christmas sir you tell me eleven men

saved up this not know some of the

fellows who left sir left some of those

as a token of affection

drop anything will that be all sir yeah

there you can tell you even boast and I

champions making the ship but I do I

thank you have a look at these them

account books account books maybe

Christmas back in same to you sir

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like that might want every bit a

chromium shining in the pain so as you

can see your faces right now that's

alright sir we can't have you gone into

the finish the day with a dirty car no I

shan't be going into the village today

oh no there are a few things I ought to

check up on here first oh yes sir I

understand that one of them is the

ship's account

well I don't actually have to look at

them you and I could work out what my

share is yeah sure

yes and I'm one of the crews so to speak

I feel nice to be in on it too oh yes

sir yes let me know how much will bring

me up to date

I mean you want to be in right from the

beginner but I feel it's only fair don't

you Oh Carson yes let me know how much I

own I'll get you a check

a check yeah not for the Christmas stuff

oh the Christmas Club sir this is gonna

be the [ __ ] mark for you want me to

build banks for all of them that's silly

the right 10-foot nose-to-tail no I

never get a racket in here that's where

I've been captain I want you to cut a

hole about yeah and all this stuff can

be stored below you mean it's go all the

way up we're not going anywhere are we

what about the edge of Telegraph oh

that's not doing anything either

yeah I think you better leave the

Telegraph

did I understand you correctly to say

you intend cut the hole through the back

end was Rocky has to say oh he's in yeah

I tried it once on its side well here we

are

only if you intend going through there

you'll need an oxy-acetylene cutter

that's how a my plate I think got one of

the carriage in the village sir I know

they'll be very pleased to lend at you

perhaps I'm gonna nip down in the car

and pick it up what if that's a very

good idea sir we've got one in the

engine room stores fine that'll save me

a journey I surprised you didn't know

that bosun

let me membrane tip out on the bridge

agency are you reorganize their own what

do you mind sending up the oxtail

acidity the oxide is the lamp and follow

me please do you know what send off the

flame torch that's what whoa sorry boss

what do you want to play George ball I

wanna cut me hair I thought I told you

to clean that car dead worried about

them chickens oh so when is he going

ashore at the moment never well I've got

a little bout that person for a walk now

I have the best quietly but you promised

you get it ashore or what awaits about

that Olo for them hi Susie hello

yoo-hoo I've got a message for you do us

do know you am I not to come a ball to

George yes I'll come down

and if I were you miss Osie I wouldn't

worry the lieutenant too much about the

business end you know course not I've

come to tell him an enormous crepes

arrived for him rocket does that mean am

I going to get it without look it's

probably a guided missile but I'm

standing on the ballot just about I

don't think the van gogh's mr. Jenner

not it up then gone I couldn't think of

a nicer surprise I've got another one

for you you're staying for lunch no

decision master phone to say a packing

case arrived for you mark rocket this

way up here

oh this must be a great moment shut me

is the station yes I gather Willard is

inside of the booking hall the middie

runs through the waiting room and the

tails on the platform she's all right

I'd go to the station together I just

like you to know that this is a great

day for all of us thank you thank you

I'll just get the key to my car at

Burson yes I think this calls for a

double main brace all round what good

luck to you sir

Israel our suite is just beginning to

love and miss Suzie this is the last of

the barrel though that garbage up my

back man take it away

good night did you lift in my car that's

very kind of you but they've got my

bicycle I get one of the boys to write

it down

come on I wouldn't want to presume but

there's one or two little things wait to

be collected in the village what you

want me to pick them up well no sir but

I was wondering if you'd give me in one

or two of the lads alif sani hop in

quite an outing isn't it oh yes it's an

outing all right

spit out all night tuna yeah it does man

I got a handle don't worry about that

don't worry about it

we'll give it a push thank you all right

my darlings the night is over

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right how'd you get

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my name isn't she beautiful

well not having x-ray eyes she's

beautiful sure it's running late

don't worry about your dreams and I come

to my rocket I want to get it out of

your way and about time too it's

disrupted the whole timetable is up I'm

gonna be some of your chapter IV a heavy

remove oh yes I suppose you'd like the

ticket collector and the porter and the

sea well I need them all you've gotten

me known I would have kept some of my

men here I've got an idea if we could

lift it over this barrier we could slide

it out of the window then put that down

you do is have an injury oh it's cute is

that I wonder if you'd like to do

yourself an injury I mean hey we could

you help me with this would you protect

your shoulder under here thank you so

much

and Maddie wouldn't come here and did

you put your hand and pull that way

don't strain yourself again thank you if

we all lift it better and he push from

the other end we could get it down to

the window that's a jolly good idea

stationmaster where are you Oh David

stationmaster would you mind going out

onto the platform and swinging your end

round to the left the bus wing it around

to the left it will go for the lady

smear out of the right and reduce to the

gents but I want you all to pull

together to six feet to 6 he you are

pulling aren't you sir

yeah thank you to six keep it's not

moving is it you want to pull out er

well there's only four of us are

gentlemen you're just in time to lend a

have nothing beneath Varela Susan oh

it's you we're try to take us through

the shortcut will you help if I was ours

to get these I know you care to the peak

admission that we're all poor to 6t I

said pull not push oh you've done it

this time

ladies or gents slip through the

indicator board thank goodness the

trains are running late

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one ramen 500 Navis Oh mr. Daugherty I'd

almost given you up now let's give

myself up to smile you couldn't manage

the extra one no maybe tomorrow we had a

bit of transport trouble oh nothing

serious at all you know what it is

he asked if I were to drive you into

Tony's got a million reasons why

shouldn't the way we didn't have time to

re-roll these it's no good out here

myself

oh but supposing someone else so that

means homemade smokes homemade sauce

Tony don't tell the left Hanna team I

believe your team arranged it goes eight

maids of honour financing I don't know

how you do it

but you have got the banking of a very

large organization Oh morning good

morning

mr. Duffy said to apologize about the

net is may have been centered the bigger

the vessel by mistake they're using kind

of serviettes fellows ghost here we are

six guys the first flat oil-based paint

it's not battleship cracking but it's

the festival colour that's what I told

the customers all last year

look ain't you never seen London or

Manchester everything's great

yeah but you see the customers are

asking for colour the post is put into

some camouflage paint so next time you

can have all the colors you want

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

you're right now so thank you very much

you've been most helpful I should write

to mr. a about you I would know mystical

in it

wouldn't you Suzanne I know we only met

yesterday let's oh really to ask you a

question like this you probably take it

very forward but do you think you could

break the licensing laws and let me have

a drink for a moment I thought I was

gonna need one too come on you even

remembered what I drank a good license

he always remembers it customers swing

Suzanne

I'd like to ask you another question

Lily make that two

well do you think that in time not right

away but in time you could learn to like

Rockets too when I lieutenant yeah with

it Humphrey öthey terrible isn't it have

too young to protest know what I'm

trying to tell you it is a rocket isn't

just sewing its feet of metal fuel and

gas no that's why don't you tell the

Admiralty its own personality its own

beauty of line you have to King oh I'm

afraid we're breaking the law well even

Nelson had a blind eye heaven T my shirt

and I never get it clean Sonia arrived

yesterday has no time to try to try what

the Bacchus same day laundry service you

pick it up daily or all they deliver

every Wednesday who do you miss Bakke

Tuesday dear Wednesday's eggs Wednesday

with the Barclays bakers the what anti

battle is good is our Tea Party it's

they deliberate it's from chickens I

believe that's the usual process Giggy

the poor pipe active what oh this is

terrible right under my nose they must

think I'm a fool you must think I'm a

fool don't answer me I just get back to

the ship oh we were hoping you'd stay

for lunch lunch I may never have lunch

again just black bread and water

he left his jacket I forgot my judge

it's a special lunch do

sucking pig yes little baby piglet all

crisp and crunchy from the battery

picker is good well I've called this

meeting of Barclays enterprises to

review the present situation as it

stands

Scouse all clear nothing

I'll leave the switch down Scout so you

can hear the minutes thanks well

gentlemen I'm happy to say that the

major crisis of a new commanding officer

seems to be well and truly under control

thanks to you boasted no no credit

baddest you I think it's all thanks to

miss Suzy she turned up just in the nick

of time like aphrodisiac rising from the

sea don't tell me what I mean sorry now

where was I rising from the sea oh yes

well the situation being what it is I

see no reason why we shouldn't continue

our activities as we have done during

the past two years well I might as well

warn you your eggs are gonna drop off my

eggs are gonna drop up you know missus

the chickens get some more daylight did

you know that the nights in Iceland are

three months long in Iceland yes did you

ever hear them being short of eggs in

Iceland no no so what's the matter with

your chickens they don't know about

Iceland well tell them can I talk that

if I finished you certainly thank you

about that well I'm glad to be able to

mention now that the last quarter

Barclays enterprises are practically

double their profits

laundry's up bakeries up

dairy produce up another sundry

financial deals are all doing very

nicely thank you wait for it wait for it

don't panic now members of our Majesty's

Navy don't panic

all right guys the accident that's with

us Emma in come out of a must for true

for a new branch of the home in colonial

I beg your fascist you may well pick

bipod you have the effrontery to stand

and pretend that you didn't know there

was a full-scale Don Reed operation

aboard this ship and brought this ship

sir impossible impossible is it

we'll ask in the village pick it up

every Tuesday and Wednesday they I might

to understand sir that someone on board

here is operating the laundry and

flogging eggs to the village and sucking

pigs sucking hay is more crisp and

crunchy well sir with your permission I

shall go down below immediately find out

whoever it isn't haven't brought two

jumped it don't you worry don't you what

if I could Lord man he might as well be

flying the skull and crossbones now

Deborah spot what's that say travel that

looks like that's exactly what is done

look here doctor

I want the country brought to me in the

ward room within the next 15 minutes

what we've got 15 minutes between us and

a rattle he's grumbled he's run for what

but not who do you mean he's gonna

shoppers well that rather depends on you

steady boy oh I'm big yours but I have

no sacrificial lamb have you ever done

any acting how do you know why you're

about the given Academy Award

performance call me Oscar for you

leave it alone Perkins and get me a

drink yes signals need the buckle news

bad news

why if this ever gets to Whitehall

Jackie yes sir it isn't you is it me sir

now look me in the eye Perkins what do

you know about pigs eggs and laundry

pigs eggs look up knocking come in I

found him Sir what already yes sir and I

must say it's been quite a shock but is

nothing to the shock was coming to him

who is it

it's Barker sir the last man I would

have expected shall I bring him in for

yourself yes yes

excuse me sir Abel team Ibaka sir charge

would keep in chicken selling produce

taken in laundry in a manner prejudicial

to go daughter sorry sir sorry you turn

this ship into a floating food fact you

know Lee who say is you're sorry man yes

sir

it all started with my mother in Oh sir

she kept getting on at my missus about

how she'd married beneath her she kept

going on about her other daughter what

it married an African team manager oh

yes Alfre could always bring over the

odd crate of butter or gash of deep

Alfred had given his wife tele sir and a

fridge sir what did I ever given my

missus I will tell you I'll give a 13

little ones to look after but what's

they enough know and please let us uh is

Nate nag nag why don't I get more money

why don't I get promoted

I'll keep telling him sir I'd spend all

my last eighteen years trying to stay as

an Able Seaman but I don't mind sir

because I love the Navy you and the

other officers sir

Abby night father's to me I never had a

father sir I see what you're trying to

tell me is you did all this for these 13

little bit Barker's yes sir then and

y'all know the Navy I couldn't have a

mother going round Peabody building

saying that I'm not alone couldn't look

after his wife and kids now could I say

gashing tea and flogging and setting

eggs Barker I know sir but I already

needed another five quid so that I could

get the furniture back it was the

thought of all those smiling little

faces sir all snuggled up in a real bed

I know I done wrong sir

but you can see how it was con you

vodka I want you to have this but so

don't argue with a novel South America

this time we should forget all that but

if I ever catch you in oh you want I

want you to ever eat chicken every bit

of laundry off the ship and put on shore

all pigs piglets Popeye yes but not as

much Elvis docketed this is a ship not

HMS WIPs name I know that sir but

turning as far as I'm concerned you will

stick a big bed with all the other 13

little smiling faces shall I carry on

carry on Able Seaman butter on will it

be anything else sir give me a large

gash of gin yes you that was a close one

steady I swear boy did you ever see such

a performance it's worth a bug right

there mate we're gonna need this ocean I

heard that y'all and six months hard if

you don't do what I said they don't get

rid of everything will you shut up and

listen

where's the pits down in the engineers

Kevin nip down the tail chippy the nails

and felt open soundproofing Mickey you

know down the village and get as many

birds as this one by well they in

foolish all roasted chickens he doesn't

want to live by the bar so we're getting

that one cool now you've got something

there I have got something here which is

just as good cuz I got a crew of right

class

I think I should hold it nice and steady

any good stuff she should be here any

minute now

Perkins what can I do for you well I

thought you had nothing to eat you might

like a little something that's extremely

kind of you Perkins

what have you got there roast chicken

and bacon sir roast chicken and bacon on

the schnauzer what about you chippy no

thank you sir I had chicken for lunch

Danny Perkins No thank you very much sir

I had chicken for supper everyone had

chicken for supper but I must say we all

eat extremely well on Vorlon ship coming

yes sir today's meals come with the

compliments of Able Seaman barker sir

well please convey my compliments you

able seaman Barker okay ibaka yes and

this is not one of the you told him to

get rid of them

I didn't tell you to turn the ship into

a slaughterhouse I mean it Perkins

this is Morrell de well sir your orders

my orders were to get them off the ship

nobody want to sit around eating I go

you're nothing but a bunch of cannibals

[Applause]

it's yeah

hi hi hello mr. Dorothy oh hello miss

Uzi hi boys I've brought everybody's bag

whoa she's in the bank

yes well I'll leave it there for the

minute now contains the meat Buster's

never arrived nothing wrong

oh well we have a little labor trouble

you oh hello sir The Rocketeer yes

come on telethon Rocketeer that's that's

it isn't she beautiful

hello Suzanne hello Rawnsley would you

mind master your working party sir

all right you three get up there and get

it unloaded quick as you like

go on I'll take off she's my rocket you

can't see her properly but you wait till

she's unboxed now be careful of the note

whatever you do don't bang the nose

pillowcase it doing there but don't be

banging this no sir what an excellent

idea now be very careful eating us

eating like apples again pity I eat it

that's right

never take apart

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

do what it says knees enough eww

now what have you done bang the nose

there is that after the

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

all right potion you could carry on aye

aye sir thanks very much and sleep well

like working party left turn quick march

and you put your clothes on what do you

think this is the Folies Bergere I'm

glad you were the first to see it up I'm

glad to Sudan I owe you an apology for

rushing off so rudely this morning you

don't owe me anything we just wondered

what had happened that was a bit of a

shock learning about the eggs and the

laundry and all that was yes we didn't

worry your pretty little head about it I

got it all straightened out Oh wonderful

does that mean I can take the mid

pasties back with me what we tested the

two dozen we all did you don't know how

many resented the pig and whistle and

you see cookie said he'd baked him today

I mean bark no bark is the Eggman

darkest vegan cookies the past two

minutes right and when the person said

we couldn't one of the books we got to

do with a be festive

nothing except we said love with him you

settle up with it it's dry so they're

all in it in one devote the cook Sudan

come with me huh three well it's going

oh oh you don't you stay right here

where's the galley the galleys have to

get it in there sir

sir can I suppose that this is the

little dessert you ran up for the ship's

company no sir

actually it's for mrs. Green's Bar

Mitzvah present you i want the crew

assembled in the ward room in the ocean

in my cabin right away yes and I wanted

to bring his log book and his account

books yes sir miss Sudan you come with

me ships cigarettes and ships alcohol oh

yes those boughs of neighbors Robinson

like right Suzanne why did you ever get

mixed up in all this

but mr. Daugherty said they were

government service supplies Daugherty

says yes like those cut-price toilets

and blankets and neighborhoods and

duffle coats they're not sitting ducks

come in keep petty officer docket

reporting as ordered sir

come in chief petty officer doctor and

put those down there I'd very much like

to say a few words

Oh [ __ ] you would yours should be the

most interesting court-martial since the

mutiny on the bounty

I'm sure I can explain everything sir

when i let's start with this show in

August the 5th 46th sides of bacon 46

sides of bacon I well no that's the

normal ration for ships compliments did

you have another normal complement for

two years one year sir 11 months and 27

to show you indented with a lot just the

same

yes they will begging your pardon

there's an old sailor in the Navy

what you don't ask for you don't get

it's for begging your part and you're

gonna get what you asked for

it's continued September the 13th 265

gallons of take 265 gallons it's enough

to pick the ship from stem to stern and

that's what we indented she hasn't got a

little paint on Illumina well you see

here they need a little paint in the

village we use em to repaint the bicycle

she do then you stay out of this did you

mean to tell me that you you you you

sold that too we couldn't very well get

government property or we can add mum

had come down and inspected the place

one thing making your parents hurt

I don't know of any senior officer who

would stray as far as Meadows nd you

look I'm asking the question talkative

or you aren't very good question okay

when I put in my report you're gonna see

Admirals naval patrols police black

mirages down at Naples end meadows then

you Suzanne you stay out of this say

that talkative

you follow me

[Music]

well you're a pretty sorry bunch of

desperados this little record of

chicanery is going to see you nicely

tucked away in detention barracks but

quite a long time to come this he'll

bark on the person I doubt if you'll

never come out

46 sides of bacon and a debuff is the

Mitzvah and one of the same day laundry

indented for two dozen crates of soap in

1508 of coal for the boilers I suppose

you'll be making rocking horses yes sir

this is the most grateful what do you

mean yes I'm twelve sir ah thank you

twelve what we make up for the Christmas

toys I'm sorry out of old bulkhead

Christmas

follow me bus what are you doing here

signal for mrs. Webb mrs. M she left sir

seemed rather upset and do you wonder

after being bamboozled by a bunch of

freebooters wait outside

I've got a long signal for you to set

you're sending a signal about Oscar

don't you think you oughta reflect on it

here's for you to reflect on flag

officer commanding reserve P will be

inspecting ships and establishments in

Southeast c'mon between the 21st and the

28th inst and for a star he's gonna want

to know what happened to 265 gallons of

paint ah well now I start we'd have to

tell him how you took six gallons of it

into the village today

how did what in the Bois de Yoker let me

see now that was a battle of Rome 400

duty freeze the eggs in the laundry in

the boot of my car and we have to tell

the truth we don't be on all keep those

things within my car you nothing about

of course you didn't sir we know that

and you know that person this is

blackmail

oh I'd hardly say that that's a very

strong word no putting it in the Queen's

English I'd say it adds up to you

scratch our backs and we scratch yours

I'm not gonna stretch anybody's back

then of course we'd have to point out

how very nicely to you yourself was

doing out of Acme enterprises

I'd say you had a very high standard of

living if you don't mind me saying so

stop all breakfast in bed no sticking in

the wheelhouse Rome from the Christmas

Club and young ladies in your cabin at

night died if you bring miss Suzanne

into this I'd say he was already in it

sir right up the half doing it

as soon as we've cleared up the out

standard on us we wind it up how's that

consume liquidus when the flag officer

come on no no no don't you worry about

our end of it we'll have everything well

out the way along before he gets okay

what about the paint well yeah I guess

some won't you I'll have to get some we

do you think I'm gonna find 265 gallons

of paint well that is the way it is

[Music]

what's today's market price of paint

down at the basis of current quotation

is a pint of paint frittata grunts 265

gallons of paint not rum come on no

one's forcing you to happy I mean I

expect you've got a perfectly good

excuse for the rocket in the wheelhouse

what about the rocket your house in NEA

you lot remember anything in Queens regs

and I got the instructions about cutting

holes in our platelets or removing

wheels vinegars companies etc tomorrow

morning you'll go down to the base to

the paint store and asked to see my

awful chief petty officer Roberts

Roberts yes tell him I sent you you

won't have any trouble there isn't much

more to have is there you say to him

you're ho ho and a bottle of rum he'll

say how much and you tell him yo-ho-ho

and a bottle of rum all right lads now

then the F horse he's gonna inspect the

ship this week I want everything stored

on camouflage now then junk do it let's

be having chief petty officer Roberts

good morning I'm a friend of Mr docketed

Roberts yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum no

not very much just two hundred and

sixty-five gallon

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

the monitor why do they have to arrange

a term inspection to the last week of

racing hey used to be some organization

in the Navy so I believe well if you

plan the artillery yes indeed sir

if we start off with Vanguard here this

morning as a phase called Tennyson less

than half an hour away and the meeting

doesn't start there until 2:30 what am I

supposed to do between Vanguard and 2:30

then I thought you were taking a couple

of destroyers at Thorpe miss Sherwood

and Windsor three inspections and one

race meeting you're a fool flags I'm

sorry

find me one inspection and three race

meetings with you well sir well the

nearest thing that that is Meadows Inn

is that a place or a horse a village sir

there are two racecourse is within a few

miles radius anything to inspect a

rather old slopes a capital will inspect

the sloop first yes sir

what she called uh HMS Barclays Oh the

Barclays Great Scott she's still

offended I must confess it up till this

morning I never heard of her

did you know Noah she was a very first

command yo Barclays a well well well so

I go to the base saloon know we're

coming is yes yes Oh Bob Lee that's my

so I'll give me the base video captain

combs legislation is a Meadows end

there's n why don't they give the

runners of this flames

Oh captain Coombs ever sees office yes

sir yes very good

now which the Barclays yes we laid on

right goodbye

sod sir if you'll cease arriving half an

hour inform RPO and all station very

good

what's this about the party wants to

inspect at first weight is shared in

their shoes at this command did I until

that's now I always thought you block

atomic clocks area signals obviously

know where she is she knows huh

find a to miss Barclay for me parity you

made oh man Foley before yes I have

when he's in charge of that rocket

research base I suppose it would only be

you made a warm the Barclays yes poor

beggars that's not their commanding

officers supplies proof

[Music]

which way to the naval barracks please

Oh down the hill barely

that's on the right unless you want to

take a shortcut you know I'm allergic

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

yeah I'm sweetness how a scientist a

little misunderstanding I should say so

I suppose you've laid out a full

official visit to the Berkeley have you

yes sir

well that's exactly what I don't want

but I understood your thing in the song

just a beggar telling himself that's

enough know what everyone getting up

everyone else's beat no girl cancer have

you got a Chevy cherry oh yes sir we

will you have some very good chain what

the Dickens you give me waiting out here

boy this way do we go

yes sir oh come along all right Davis

cancel everything I said

[Music]

good morning sir

yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum daughter to

set me sir mr. Docherty of the Barclays

I'm afraid I'm not quite with you sir

well you are Chief Petty Officer Robert

Angier Nasser oh he's just going down to

the dock sir can I help you out

Sapna sir take a seat

[Music]

cheapest lobster and the monitor

yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum beg your

pardon sir I got the necessary in my

boot

yes sir where you are Robert Sancho no

sir I'm Davis I go on me

[Music]

they are Boise levels is up last night

well we thought were the boys working so

hard spectrum ed quarters do hey what do

you think you're doing often in the

captain's orders I tell you whether it's

Arjun or not

all right scrub the clean and he's on

its way who fell wasn't all the ever now

well they're all the fitters out the way

right right now here's what we do

Dean open assemble on the mystic duty

lofty get that the other way well what

are we gonna do if he doesn't get here

who the Admiral no fair weather you see

these Admirals of funny people when they

come aboard they expect to have an

office away in the greater well that's

his problem

oh there's gratitude for you last night

you were scared to death when he gonna

spend the rest of your life in the

rattle here the next tenant gives us a

second chance out the goodness of his

heart and you don't give a damn if it

sells up the creek well if the Admirals

expecting an opposite of meet him he was

in here because he wasn't expecting the

Admiral to be expecting him what the old

can we do I tell you what we can do

supply another officer another officer

yes another officer

Hakeem's go down onto the mystic Vegas

number one unit father BOE's long time

you don't get it immediately

Scouse up on the lookout keep your eyes

where are we gonna get another of us out

on the mistake that's where so go isn't

it now let me Harris who wants a bit of

the old quick promotion we're short of

enough is enough ocean fair where

there's a big ladder you can take care

of himself and what happens if he gets

kicked out we get another officer you

want someone efficient oh I never

thought of her you never think of

nothing you don't know then which of you

knows best how an officer acts and

behaves

she's quite tall so it'll have to be

somebody away baby no boom from the ball

if he comes up that gangway you're left

in unfair

come on I'm an officer of HMS bocce I'll

never get away with it folks we can't

keep your head remember you're smooth

you're a model of efficiency that's what

you are yeah where there's not like that

ha but the Admiral doesn't know it

[Music]

let's crunch Shefali don't let him see

me - yeah he's coming over yes that's

the LD once gave me 90 days water in his

gym get him to come back in an hour

yes sir I think that's about that is

right 2:30 shuts company down good

morning sir

welcome aboard sir good morning at

dinner let me see your fair weather sir

/ fair weather eh no sir sorry sir

just fell with it haven't you sir with

me summer before well no no no don't

tell me I'm not very good on names but I

never forget a fall I mean a face is

this the hell crew yes sir

I thought you'd like to see the ship

working normal routines are very good

idea and if then and tell them to carry

on its company is me yo Bobby hey it's

been a long time

yes yes I'm not running all right mister

yes mam Station has half a dozen deal in

hand and one of their shirts didn't come

back will you tell the bosun yes did I

did

Hey

yes sir ladies check it on get it off

and I need in the oven one in the oven

you know we have met before

renown rather these walls Pfeiffer good

work I'm afraid not sir it'll come it'll

come this is the galley sir there's a

man in there sir what do you expect to

haul good morning good morning Molly

carry on still making this disgusting

Paquita I think it's a great payment

with the ship's compass I want to be put

on the official poisons list and you

served under me before someone enter are

you sure quite positive sir I wouldn't

remember if I had hmm may I suggest a

visit to the ward room sir the old Waldo

may my my this is all very nostalgic

flag fair sir must be

what's that cloud doing in my uniform

well so we thought the Admiral might

start asking all questions have became a

board and found out you weren't here

well you could have said have you down

at the base yes but we couldn't very

well have said what you're up to down

there could we we can get 20 years for

this look just give his nibs time to get

settled down in the boardroom and then

you can get back in your own camp you

think I'm gonna stay in here all day

cutting out figured Goff you're very

much mistaken have you got any better

ideas have you there's our room seen

some sticky times for weather see that

mark there

that's my bow Bert alone his knife just

missed the stewards went berserk on red

Biddy hahahaha

I did a flag those other days Harrison I

think this calls for a little drink to

celebrate the occasion

Stuart sir Perkins Ward room steward a

to miss on plaid watered the gin ninety

days I can explain everything I doubt

very much whether you can but you can

try it was this way we thought who's we

well me and the bosun sir

well that's in fewer the information I

just received this means a voluntary

liquidation of Barclays enterprises so

we burned the books matey nip down my

cabin and get up oh now gone gone Betty

you'll get the books there's a good lad

now let's try again

you're the steward and you went ashore

was a left-handed Fairweather went

ashore because he didn't receive the

signal yeah I think I got it sir there

was a signal asking the officer sure

sure

where's this officer now I think I just

saw him creep into his cabin sir

well let's creep after him then who are

you

Leading Seaman face that doesn't mean

anything to me either

hey weather yes I mean who is it

open this door once I know you're now

repair whether you blow out people's

bathroom I'm the only one to take that

damn hat off well I've heard just do it

story left Ellen what's your explanation

of this extraordinary masquerade a yes I

was down at the base trying to change

some paint for some run thought we had

plenty of time before you came aboard

and I I have no explanation

hasn't this have got anything in the way

of a normal working routine sure I

presume the routine will be noted in the

log book budget right so don't you know

so well you always got the log book bags

go and fetch it and get probably dressed

no not you you fool you yes sir

huh is that the log book yes sir I mean

no sir this is a potions book sir has to

I'm the Admiral ones you might find that

there one or two little things there

please explaining sir

Wednesday Berkeley same day laundry mrs.

Lake four sheets two pillowcases two

shirts this was one of the little things

I was referring to use he said first day

four collars please do not start one

towel missing from last week these

laundries they're all the same earth

what's this do auntie Barclays goodies

[Music]

what's in there

nights two person knows what big ships

master

[Music]

and what were you doing when all this is

in the wheelhouse and putting up my

rocket yo watch the Fairweather forked

mark for don't remember I told you Andy

would be able to you were there too you

remember don't you you remove the wheel

the pinnacle half the superstructure in

all my 40 years in the Navy I've never

seen such diabolical Judas do be careful

sir that's the start about don't change

the subject

it wasn't really the lieutenant's fault

sir silence you spent your time fooling

around with his junk well you do carry

on like a bunch of parents if you could

only thump just a little bit more to the

left

resign silence yes sir this time fair

weather I'll see your discharge from the

Navy yeah that discharge

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

are you alright son alright where is

that confounded maniac

it's alright so we're with a 55 it

didn't mean to do it

I didn't mean to vote yes will you press

the button didn't you already believe up

some cool buttons to get out he want you

some margin 20 times frags I'm afraid he

did suck water you Venom's trying to do

a can I give a private gladly kill it

follow me

[Applause]

this sounds like a dastardly conspiracy

is being missed the first place

if your salute ma'am tread water yes sir

well then isn't it there's been a bit of

a struggle to keep their barking flirt

sir you've seen of that all right no sir

your honor will it be wrong to happen

says the board oh girl just a sec never

you'll be surprised who's that whoa who

sounds to me like that man yeah that's

tonight me word midday we're putting it

in the Queen's English you spits my back

and wheel spec yours

yeah

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]