Original subtitles

The night was...

The night was...

The night...

Phantom of the novel,

coming to haunt the pages of Larry Donner.

What the hell am I doing?

Hello, Ope. Remember me, Professor Blank?

We're back.

I'm sure you all know the name Margaret Donner.

No!

Ladies and gentlemen,

The author of the best-selling novel Hot Fire.

Author of the best-selling novel?

You must be very proud of yourself.

The woman stole my book and put her name on it!

Just you, you facing you in that mirror,

do you say, "Margaret, you did it"?

Yes, I do.

Slut! She's a slut!

Look at her! Slut!

- Hey, man, your wife's on TV. - Ex-wife, Lester, ex-wife.

- She looks good. - Criminals don't age.

It's a common fact... criminals and Dick Clark.

- What the hell do you want? - I'm trying to expand my wardrobe.

I need something for a gig. You got anything in green?

You borrowed all my green.

It is a lot more difficult for women to get themselves published...

How about women thieves, Oprah? Big difference.

I would say that once I was divorced,

blissfully divorced, a freedom overcame me,

and I was allowed to be the writer, the artist,

I was never allowed to be

within the confines of my prison-like marriage.

Did you think about writing when you were with this beast?

I did because he fancied himself

as sort of a hack writer.

I watched him at the typewriter and thought,

"Oh, God, I can do that in spades,"

and did, clearly.

How do you think he will feel now about your success?

Frankly, I don't really care how he feels.

Well.

So she stole your book.

Write another one and forget about it.

I am writing.

- Oh, you're writing? - Yes, I am.

"The night was"... The night was what?

I just started.

Man, you've been on "the night was" since July.

It takes place in the Yukon.

I understand you're living in Hawaii now.

Yes, I am. I adore a tropical climate.

Look at those earrings, man! It's your money.

How it was that you, Margaret Donner,

produced such a brilliant piece of writing

in just your first time out?

Well, Oprah, I mean, it's the story of my life.

It's my life, Margaret, and I want it back!

Hot Fire, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much, Margaret Donner, for being on the show.

I want it back!

Owen!

What?

Get me a soda with some ice in it!

Owen, hurry up!

Chop-chop, Owen. Come on.

All right!

- You were writing a letter. - No, Momma!

You were writing to tell them to take me away!

You want them to take me away!

I'm writing a story for class, Mommal!

I don't want them to take you away.

- Yes, you do. - Owen loves his momma.

Owen loves his momma.

Hurry up with that soda!

- Coming, Momma. - Coming, Momma.

I'm choking to death, you moron.

You're too damn slow.

I'm sorry, Momma.

I'm sorry, Momma!

Why didn't you get me the salted nuts?

The salted ones are no good for you.

The unsalted ones make me choke!

Momma!

You clumsy poop! What did you do that for?

Come on. Move it, lard ass!

Pick up every piece.

[/ "Divi el"

"Dive!' yelled the captain through the thing."

"So the man who makes it dive"

"pressed a button or something, and it dove,"

"and the enemy was foiled again."

"Looks like we foiled them again,' said Dave."

"Yeah,' said the captain."

"We foiled those bastards again, didn't we, Dave?"

"Yeah,' said Dave."

"The end."

Okay.

Here we have all the elements of drama.

We have the tension, the horror of war.

Mrs. Hazeltine, when you're writing a novel

that takes place on a submarine,

it's not a bad idea to know the name of the instrument

that the captain speaks through.

I used to know that.

And your similes need a little bit of work.

"His guts oozed nice, like a melted malted."

Well, it's a little...

Too harsh?

A tad.

Otherwise, it was very good.

It was very real.

Here's another one.

This is a real classic by Mr. Pinsky.

It's entitled 100 Girls I'd Like To Pork.

Pork?

It's a coffee table book.

100 Girls I'd Like To...

Okay.

"Chapter 1, Kathleen Turner."

"Chapter 2, Cybill Shepherd."

"Chapter 3, Suzanne Pleshette."

"Chapter 4, the girl in the taco commercials."

"Chapter 5, the woman in 4-B."

"Chapter 6, the Oriental Laker girl."

"Chapter 7..."

Mr. Pinsky, this is not literature.

Well, I would put in photographs,

a brief character sketch, like a biography,

and a nice dust jacket.

Mr. Pinsky, what is this?

It's literature. It's a fantasy... my fantasy.

Like Melville, this is my great white whale.

It's whacking material.

Isn't that literature?

Mr. Pinsky, how do you associate Moby-Dick

to a list of women you'd like to have sex with?

I think it's very brave.

I think he's vulgar.

That's what they said about Twain.

That's what I'm saying about him.

I think you're vulgar.

I think you're a no-talent little shit.

Maybe I should change the title.

I like the title.

I'll see you Wednesday, class. Good work today.

Remember, a writer writes... always.

- This is your tie. - God!

You dropped it.

Oh. How did that get in there?

It got wet. I was afraid it would be ruined.

Thanks.

- Hi. I'm Owen. - I know.

Why didn't you read my story in class?

Your story?

Yeah, you know. Murder At My Friend Harry's.

- Why didn't you read it? - I did.

You did? What did you think of it?

It's raining, Irwin. Can't we discuss this tomorrow?

Owen. Didn't you like it?

Well, no. No, I didn't.

Why not?

It was three pages long;

it was a murder mystery three pages long

that, by the way, was no big trick in finding the murderer.

What gave it away?

You only had two characters,

one of which was dead on page two.

One guy killed the other guy.

It wasn't motivated.

Sure, it was.

The guy in the hat killed the other guy in the hat.

I have to go now, Owen.

Thanks.

Hi, Beth. It's me.

It's 10:30, and I did it again.

I'm sorry. It's just that Margaret was on...

There I go again.

I'll, I'll... look, I'm sorry.

That's all. Bye.

So Margaret's a big star. That's life.

This is life, too. That goes on, this goes on.

The night was hot.

Wait, no.

The night, the night was... humid.

The night was humid. No. Wait.

No, hot. The night was hot.

The night was hot and wet, wet and hot.

The night was wet and hot; Hot and wet.

Wet and hot... that's humid. The night was humid.

Maybe the night isn't humid.

See, maybe the night isn't humid.

Maybe it was humid in the morning

and at night it was cold.

That gives you fog.

Ah, the night was foggy.

The night, the night was, the night was...

The night, the night was dry,

yet it was raining.

The, the, the streets were wet,

but the night was as bright as the earrings

in Margaret Donner's ears!

My God! I'm going out of my mind!

Fuck it!

"The night was humid."

That's it, and that's all!

Stop it, damn it!

I got a wax ball in my ear. Get it out.

Oh, Momma!

You were writing to her, weren't you, Owen?

Don't start that again, Momma, and don't hit me anymore.

You love her.

There's no "her," Momma.

You're writing a letter.

I'm writing a story for class, Momma.

Don't you understand?

I take a class; I take a nice class.

I'm going to be a writer someday.

You know how that typing upsets me.

I'm sorry, Momma. A writer writes.

You're going to be nothing!

You'll never get to first base.

All you do is type, type, type, type, type.

You sit there typing all day like a fat, little pigeon.

You won't ever hear it again, Momma.

I promise.

Momma!

I think you got it, sonny.

I don't know what I'd do without you, Owen baby.

I know, Momma.

Owen, my little baby.

Owen, my little baby boy.

"And even though he was mortally wounded,

"the guy in the hat got up and pulled himself up

"and staggered out into the dark night,

like a milkman going out on his route."

There he is, Owen.

Professor Donner, could I see you?

Not now, Owen. Please, another time, huh?

- Don't bother. - I gotta talk to you.

You're 16 hours late.

I'm sorry. It's just that she was on television.

Margaret was on TV. My mind went nuts.

My mind went crazy. I saw nothing but hate and death,

and that's it and that's all.

I'm sorry,

and I did call you around 10:30. Where were you?

What did you think... I was gonna sit home all night

staring at my tandoori chicken?

I know you're angry,

and you have every right to be angry.

It's just that I...

It's my class.

How do you do?

- Hi. - Hello.

What's your name?

Beth Ryan.

She teaches anthropology.

Beth...Ryan?

Don't even think about it.

Hang in there, Pinsky.

Come on. I'm sorry.

Do you know that we are this far away

from having a date? We're just this far.

Larry, you're late.

I'm sorry. You probably made tandoori chicken.

Come on in, Larry.

Come on. Give me a second chance.

What do you say? Come on!

I can't believe I'm saying this... yes.

- Yeah, okay. - Great.

Hey, Professor Donner. I saw your wife on Oprah.

Ex-wife! Ex!

What's with him?

I can't get over this.

- Why? - Why?

She steals my book, okay?

I'm not going to sit here and be barked at.

Wait, wait. Listen to me.

The problem is I can't write.

I'm dead inside. I have no passion.

- You have passion. - Oh, right.

When you talk about Margaret, you have passion.

Slut!

No. My ex-wife is a major slut,

- but you're not a slut. - Thank you.

I'm talking about passion...

is selfless, committed, overflowing...

not hate and murder,

and slut! I hate her! I wish she was dead!

Chill out.

Thank you.

That's so beautiful.

Very good, Phil.

Very, very good.

40 yards of naugahyde, a girl, and a dream.

What can I say?

I wrote it just like I lived it,

which is what you've been teaching us, to write what we know.

It's very good.

It'll blow the lid off the upholstery business as we know it.

Thank you.

Next is Murder At My Friend Harry's,

by Owen Lift.

Chapter 1.

"The night was humid."

Class dismissed.

I have an enormous headache in my eye.

I'm so sorry about the cafeteria.

I was Norman Bates in concert.

It's just that I see her and...

- You want to Kill her. - Metaphorically, yes.

Specifically... without a doubt.

- I'm glad you called. - Me, too.

I like trains.

Every great romance mystery has a train in it.

Yeah? Is this gonna be a great romance?

It could be.

We have a train, we have the moon,

we have compatible body parts.

Would you like to kiss me?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

You're so sweet, Beth.

Oh, Larry, would you like to date me?

This isn't a date?

I was speaking euphemistically.

So you're saying...

Yeah, yeah.

So you're saying...

Yeah, you are. I can feel that.

You're savi aying n 0?

We're on a kiddie train.

The kids are gonna sit here tomorrow.

I want to make love to you, Beth...

Sometime in the very near future.

- I can't. - What?

I have writer's block.

Everywhere?

Yeah. It's no good. I can't... No...

On the train?

Oh, I want to ring the bell.

Oh, take me, Casey.

Who?

- Take me, Casey. - I'm taking you.

Hi.

Oh, God!

Do you know Owen? This is Owen.

Owen is a dead man.

Did I come at a bad time?

Owen, I'm dating!

You've read it, right? My story?

Yes.

Good.

Owen, you cannot keep following me around,

asking me these questions.

This stuff belongs in the classroom, not on my time.

Do you understand me?

I'm sorry.

Good night, Miss Ryan.

Did you like it?

No!

Why didn't you like it?

Because in a novel, people have to have

more of a reason to commit a murder.

If they just do it because they're crazy,

it's not enough; It's not strong enough, not for a novel.

You mean, if someone wounds you permanently,

then you could murder them.

Yes, which brings us to the second point... the motive.

You have to eliminate it.

Eliminate the motive.

Correct. I'll give you an example.

My ex-wife. I hate her guts.

Right?

Yeah. I overheard you in the cafeteria.

She really ruined you.

Yes, she did, and I hate her with a passion,

but I would never murder her.

You'd get caught.

Absolutely right!

I would get caught because I have a motive,

and people know that.

I got a similar problem with my momma.

Look at this, Owen. This is amazing.

You and I have something in common.

We do?

Absolutely. Think about what I'm talking about,

and just draw on your own personal experiences.

You mean, how do you murder and not get caught?

So, how do you not get caught?

How do you not get caught?

By eliminating the motive and establishing an alibi.

How?

I can't tell you how. I can't tell you everything.

I don't know.

Hitchcock. Go see a Hitchcock film.

You want to go to the movies with me?

No, I don't want to go to the movies.

It's real late. I'm gonna go now.

You're gonna be fine.

Okay?

- Thank you, Professor Donner. - Good night.

Eliminate the motive.

Eliminate...

E-lim, eliminate the motive.

Mo-tive.

Hitchcock.

Let's say you'd like to get rid of your wife.

Let's say you have a very good reason.

No...

No, no. Let's say.

You'd be afraid to kill her.

You know why? You'd get caught,

and what would trip you up?

The motive.

Now, here's my idea.

It's so simple, too.

Two fellows meet accidentally,

like you and me.

Each one has somebody that he'd like to get rid of.

So, they swap murders.

Swap murders?

Each fellow does the other fellow's murder.

Then there's nothing to connect them.

Each one has murdered a total stranger.

You do my murder, I do yours.

Your wife, my father.

Crisscross.

Some people are better off dead.

Each one has murdered a total stranger.

They swapped murders.

- You do my murder... - Crisscross.

I do yours.

They swapped murders.

Crisscross. Crisscross.

"Choo Choo Charlie said to himself,"

"I think I can. I know I can."

"He opened up his throttle and pushed, pulled,"

"and pushed and pulled, and it sputtered some more,"

"and then, and then, and then he, and then..."

How's that blockage problem?

All aboard. Whoo-whoo!

I'm buying a gun, Owen.

You're probably wondering what happened to me today.

No, not at all.

I saw that movie.

I know now what you're trying to tell me.

Oh, good.

Crisscross.

Owen!

I'll call you in a few days, pal.

Take your time.

Bye.

Coming, Momma.

Who were you talking to?

I just called the weather.

You were talking to a machine?

Two minutes ago you were my agent. Now...

Larry, I'm sorry. That's the way the mop flops.

That's what I get after seven years...

that's the way the mop flops?

Larry, you have every right to feel like

this is the lowest point of your entire life.

Arnie, what are you doing? You're bending the fern.

Don't bend the fern. Fluff it, fluff it.

How, as a human being, can you give up on somebody

after seven years?

Larry, this is a whole other agency.

Besides, you've never written anything.

What about Hot Fire?

This may be a tad bit disturbing,

but we've just signed your wife on as a client.

Get me a doctor, Joel.

I'm having a heart attack. Get me a paramedic.

The book sold two million copies.

But I wrote that!

You know that! Arnie knows that!

Margaret couldn't write that.

She couldn't write her name in the snow.

Larry, for seven years, I've given you assignments,

I've made your deals, and for seven years,

you didn't want to "compromise" your art.

Oh, boy, it is just like an agent

to think a writer can't be an artist.

Don't change the subject. Where was 1?

- You were letting me go. - Thank you.

For the last four years,

you've been working on some novel

that no one has ever seen.

So you get the shaft from your wife,

you dive into another excuse for not writing.

Go ahead, Larry! Go to Mexico. Write your heart out!

But I handle writers, Larry, not artists.

You go be an artist.

Let the rest of the world make a living.

Here. It's my favorite fuchsia.

Live and be well.

That's the house. This is good, here.

I'll be right back.

- I'm going to go visit my aunt. - Okay, bro.

Oh! Shit!

Why, Mr. Lopez.

Can I borrow that... towel?

My big Chihuahua.

Andale? Andale where?

That's right. Right there.

Are you always like this?

Oh, God!

Hello?

Oh, hi, Joel.

That's my agent, my agento.

How's L.A., darling?

Oh, nothing much.

I'm, uh, having a little trouble with the gardener,

but other than that, I...

What? What sound, sweetie?

Oh, that's the, uh... That's the TV.

Uh... Old Yeller.

Yes, I know, Joel. I know they shot him in the end.

Yes, darling. I'm aware of the book signing tonight.

Yeah. Maui. I... I'll be there.

Kiss, kiss.

Bye, Mr. Lopez!

Make sure you get the boat.

Bye-bye!

Last boat to Maui!

It feels great! Come on!

Who's next?

Come on, Brian! Come on, Marie!

This is my first trip to the islands.

Oh, my God!

The night... wasn't.

There's probably halibut right here

who could write better than me.

Boy...

The night was...

If you got a line, fish, just yell it out.

I'm up for grabs.

Perfect.

What about Brenda Lee? Do you like Brenda Lee?

- The jockey? - No.

Cloudy!

Aloha!

What?

I said aloha.

Hello.

Professor Donner?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Look, Professor Donner, stay by the phone.

I don't want them to be able to trace the call.

Who is this?

Professor Donner?

Aloha. Hello.

Who is this?

It's Owen!

Owen?

Yeah, from class.

What do you want?

It's done. You want anything from Hawaii?

Hawaii?

What are you doing in Hawaii?

Crisscross. You know.

Owen, I'm hanging up on you now.

Oh, yeah, right. I got you. Boy, are you smart!

She didn't feel a thing, Professor Donner.

I know how important that is to you

not to have her feel a thing.

- Who? - Your wife.

She had a little trouble walking.

That was from the gardener.

You saw my wife?

She was kind of a tart, Larry,

although I can see why you married her.

She was very beautiful.

Owen, you stay away from my wife!

Did you hear what I said, Owen?

You stay away from my wife!

I told you it's done. Nobody saw.

What the hell are you talking about?

Crisscross, like in the movie. Done.

Owen, what the hell did you do to my wife?

I don't want to say on the phone.

All I can tell you is I killed her last night.

My God!

What the hell did you do? Tell me the truth.

Meet me tonight at 7:30,

where Mulholland Drive meets Cahuenga Pass.

We'll discuss your end of the bargain.

My end? What the hell are you talking about?

You gotta kill my mother, like we said.

Kill your mother?

7:30, Cahuenga Pass. Crisscross.

- Owen, I... - Aloha.

Crisscross. Criss... holy shit!

He did it!

He did it! The little bastard did it!

He killed my w... No. He didn't do it.

He didn't. He couldn't poss... no!

He didn't do it.

I'll call her up on the phone. She'll answer the phone,

I'll hang up, and she won't be dead.

That's it, and that's all.

Jesus! Crisscross.

Come on, Margaret. Answer the phone.

Answer the phone, Margaret.

Why the hell isn't she answering the phone?

Because she's dead.

That's why she's not answering the phone.

You don't answer the phone when you're dead.

Oh, my God.

They're gonna think I did it.

They're gonna think that I did it.

Why would they think that I did it?

Because I hate her guts!

That's why they'll think that I did it!

My God! I have no alibi!

Lester! I was with you yesterday. Lester!

I was with you yesterday, right, Lester?

Yes, right, and now I'm with Miss Gladstone.

I left the club at 1:00. I couldn't have done it!

That's right, you couldn't have done it.

Close the door on your way out.

I couldn't have gone all the way to Hawaii and back.

In the time that I left you, so what am I worried about?

That's what I'd like to know.

Hawaii and back? No way, man. You're cool.

Adios.

Well, if he left the club at 1:00,

he could catch the 3:00 flight.

You could arrive in Hawaii by 5:00,

considering the three-hour time change.

She's got a point there, Lar.

Even if you spent four hours in Hawaii,

you'd still have plenty of time

to catch that last flight out by 10:00.

That's true.

You'd arrive at LAX about 6:00 A.M.

an hour on the freeway, you'd be home by 7:00.

Whatever it is, you're fucking guilty, man.

Larry Donner, senior flight supervisor Gladstone.

Hi. Pleased to meet you.

I've got a flight schedule.

I was on a rock.

They're gonna think I did it.

I'm all motive and no alibi! Alibi. I have no alibi!

Motives are no problem. I'm up to my ass in motives!

I'm majoring in motives.

Alibi, nowhere near my neighborhood, not for 1,000 miles,

But motives...

I got to go. Can I borrow your car?

Sure. The keys are on the coffee table next to the door.

Good-bye.

I got to find Beth!

What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?

She's not dead. I'm crazy.

I'm a crazy man. She is not dead.

He didn't kill her.

Our top story from Hawaii:

Novelist Margaret Donner is missing and presumed dead.

According to a spokesperson for the Honolulu...

Holy Christ! I'm not crazy! She's presumed!

She was last seen boarding a boat to Maui.

She disappeared somewhere along route.

A search is on for the body.

Oh, man! Margaret is dead!

Oh, God. I can't believe it. Poor Margaret.

That slut! She's a slut! Slut!

Foul play has not been ruled out.

I'm going to fry.

I'm in really deep shit, Beth.

Look who's decided to breeze back into my life.

I got to talk.

You have to talk to me?

You don't return my calls.

You don't try to get in touch with me,

but hey, you need something from me?

Make yourself at home. Have a seat.

Can I offer you something? A cool drink maybe?

Would you listen to me? I'm in a lot of trouble.

You're in trouble? I'm on the edge of my seat.

- It's Margaret. She's... - Margaret? Don't tell me.

She's come back, pregnant with your child,

tied her tubes, put on weight...

- She's dead! - Oh, God.

It's awful.

Larry, I'm sorry. Did she suffer?

He said she didn't feel a thing.

- Her doctor? - Her killer.

She was killed?

She's dead. She had a killer.

It works that way.

Wait, wait, the police.

Did they find a clue or have a motive?

Course there's no motive. If there was a motive,

the fat, little bastard never would have killed her.

Don't you see? Eliminate the motive, establish an alibi...

just like I told him!

Just like you told him?

We were speaking hypothetically.

Larry Donner, did you pay a man to kill your wife?

No! He just did it.

Oh, my God.

Hey, look, look.

There was this guy and I told him something.

He took it the wrong way.

Yeah. What did you say to him?

"Don't kill my wife," wink, wink?

I don't like your tone.

Oh, God, you better leave.

I have no place else to go.

My head is spinning.

And my head isn't creamed corn?

You just waltzed in and announced that you may or may not have

inadvertently murdered a human being.

This puts me in a highly excited and distracted state of mind.

- I am nauseous! - Oh, great.

Margaret is dead, I have no alibi,

and you're mad because I've upset your stomach.

Excuse me. I'll just go so the police can start their manhunt.

One little murder, and I'm Jack the Ripper.

Geez, you think you know somebody...

Mr. Chang...

Cahuenga Pass.

Leave a snappy message. Bye.

Larry, it's Beth. Call me at home, right now, okay?

As soon as you get in. I'm very confused.

You just came... you came in with this murder, and Margaret,

and I just... I... call me... now. Thank you.

Get in the car, Owen!

This isn't your car.

I borrowed it. Get in!

I thought you might like to have this. It belonged to Margaret.

Get in the car!

Look what you did. You killed my wife!

No, I didn't. Yes, I did.

You're a sick man, Owen. You need care.

I'm taking you to the police.

Did you know that Hawaii was actually a series of islands

that was all spit up by the same volcano?

I never knew that.

You killed somebody!

You killed a person! You're a murderer! You took a life!

You're right. I'm no good. How could I do that?

I'm a sick, sick person... cows!

Why did you kill my wife?

I thought you wanted me to.

You said you hated her, you wished she was dead.

I told you I hated my momma, and I wished she was dead.

I kill your wife, you kill my momma. That's fair.

I am not killing your mother.

You have to turn yourself in.

I'm not turning myself in. It was part of our plan.

What plan? There was no plan, you moron!

You killed a person, that's it and that's all,

and I'm taking you to the police!

I'll just tell them that you did it,

so what's the point? You got the motive.

You're going to tell them the truth, Owen.

We are going to the police.

You'll tell them the truth,

otherwise I'm gonna kill us both, I swear I will!

I didn't do this only for me, you know.

Say good-bye.

Larry, slow down. You're going a tad fast, Larry.

Please slow down. I don't like going fast.

You gonna tell them you did it? Are ya?

Please slow down, Larry!

Yeah, I'll do it!

Okay.

- Please stop the car! - I can't!

- Stop, please! - There's no brakes!

What? Watch out for that car!

- You're a good driver. - Would you shut up?

You're originally from the East, aren't you?

We had a man on our block was from the East:

Mr. Drockman. He was in the button business.

Is that right?

This is good. It's like the Flintstones' car wash.

Oh! Oh, I can't look!

So are you telling me you weren't driving that car?

Look, man. It's like I told you.

He borrowed the car yesterday morning,

and I haven't seen him since.

Did he say where he was going?

No. He kept mumbling about motives and alibis and whatnot.

Motives and alibis and whatnot?

Yeah. He figured since Margaret ruined his life,

you'd think he killed her.

You don't think he did?

No. I don't think so.

Personally, if the bitch stole my book, I'd kill her,

but that's me.

Larry... there's no way he could've done it.

What makes you say that?

Because Larry never did... anything.

Okay. Here we go. Eggs a la Owen.

You've got to get it through your thick head.

I may be a lot of things, but I am not a killer.

You don't have to blow her brains out or anything.

Thank you. That takes the pressure right off.

She's old. She's got a bad ticker.

All you gotta do is jerk around a lot when you talk to her...

- "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lift." - Stop it!

Just meet her.

Maybe she'd be somebody you'd like to Kill.

Owen! What the hell's going on out there?

Nothing, Momma! We woke her up.

Who are you talking to? Who's in there with you?

Nobody, Momma.

Who's this?

This is cousin Paddy.

He's gonna be staying with us for a while.

Isn't that nice?

You don't have a cousin Paddy.

You lied to me!

That's it. That's all.

Larry... I'm sorry.

She makes me so nervous. Come on.

Go in here and sit down. I'll get you some ice.

What do you think of her?

I think she could relax a little bit.

You gonna do it?

Owen, I'm not gonna kill your mother.

If you want to do it, you do it, you bastard!

Guy kills my wife, he can't even kill his own mother.

You want to see my coin collection?

No!

I collect coins.

I got a dandy collection.

I don't want to see it, Owen.

- But it's my collection. - I don't care.

Look, Owen. I'm just not in the mood, okay?

Never showed it to anyone before.

All right! I'll look at it.

No. It's okay.

- Show me the collection. - No. You don't mean it.

Show me the damn coins!

All right. This one is a nickel.

This one also is a nickel...

And here's a quarter...

And another quarter...

And a penny.

See? Nickel, nickel, quarter, quarter, penny.

Are any of these coins worth anything?

No.

And here... is another nickel.

Why do you have them?

What do you mean?

Well, the purpose of a coin collection.

Is that the coins are worth something.

Oh, but they are!

This one here I got in change

when my dad took me to see Peter, Paul and Mary.

And this one I got in change

when I bought a hot dog at the circus.

My daddy let me keep the change.

He always let me keep the change.

This one is my favorite.

This is Martin and Lewis at the Hollywood Palladium.

Look at that.

See the way it shines on the little eagle?

I loved my dad a lot.

So this whole collection is, uh...

Change my daddy let me keep.

What was his name?

Ned. He used to call me his little Ned.

That's why Momma named me Owen. I really miss him.

That's a real nice collection, Owen.

Thank you, Larry.

Owen! Food!

In a minute, Momma!

Don't you "In a minute, Momma," mel!

Get off your fat little ass or I'll break it for you!

I want two soft-boiled eggs, white toast,

and some of that grape jelly, goddamn it!

And don't burn the toast!

- Kill her, Larry. - I can't.

You gotta kill her for me! Don't you understand?

Crisscross. Crisscross. You got to do it, Lar!

If you don't, I will, I swear I will!

Move it, fat boy!

That's it! I'm going to choke her to death!

No, Owen, no!

I'm going to kill her! Lar!

Calm down, Owen.

Owen, it's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay, Owen. I promise.

- Will you do it? - Yeah, I'll do it.

Oh, Larry! You're the best pal a guy ever had.

Here. Look. I want you to have this. Here.

It's a souvenir from the London Bridge gift shop in Arizona.

Look at that. See that?

They brought this bridge over

from London, England, stone by stone.

See the little bridge? See the little stones there?

Yeah, I see them.

Here. You can have that.

Crisscross.

When did you last see him?

I can't remember. I told you.

The day after his wife disappeared?

I didn't say that.

Miss Ryan, why are you protecting him?

I'm not! I just don't think he killed her.

Where do you think he is? Maybe you can tell me.

I don't know!

He's in a lot of trouble.

He didn't do it.

Then who do you suppose did?

Somebody else.

So you do think it was murder.

You know who killed her, don't you, Miss Ryan?

No.

Yes, you do.

I do not! He wouldn't tell me!

Did Professor Donner hire a man to kill his wife?

No! He said, "Not really."

And I heard him scream out,

"I hate her! I wish she were dead!"

Yeah, I heard him. He said, "I hate her."

"I wish she was dead." That's what he said.

"I hate her! I wish she was dead!"

He called her a very bad name and screamed,

"I hate her! I wish she were dead!"

It's a coffee table book.

You may not want to do it all...

All right, Momma.

Turn off the TV.

Okay.

Good-bye, Momma.

She'll be sleeping in a couple minutes.

I graduated from Yale.

All right.

- Out you go. - Out? Out where?

Out on the ledge.

Go out on the roof, crawl into her window.

I'm not going on any ledge!

You gotta make it look like a burglar.

Go in, mess up things, steal some things.

This is going too far.

- You want out of this? - Yes.

Then fulfill your end of the bargain.

You go in there, stuff a pillow over her face

and leave, walk out that door.

You never have to see me again, okay?

Oh, God!

Okay. Out you go.

Oh, shit. I hate heights.

Larry, you all right?

Move your hand. I gotta close the window.

And like this, you kill an evening.

Rats!

Now I got Willard here.

I'm being held captive by a little troll,

who should be hanging off a rearview mirror.

That's all. I'm not doing this.

Oh, great.

What are you doing?

I'm selling the Watchtower!

What the hell do you think I'm doing?

You got rats the size of Oldsmobiles here!

Rats.

Okay. Forget about the burglar stuff.

Just go through her door.

It's less dramatic, but I don't wanna make you uncomfortable.

Here. Use this.

I really don't like you, Owen.

Okay. I gotta go.

If I'm late for my lane, they tack on an extra buck.

What a week.

Mrs. Lift, I know you don't want to hear this now.

I know you don't want to hear anything derogatory

about your son, Mrs. Lift.

I understand that because he's not a bad man, Mrs. Lift.

He's a nice man, actually.

He is a lunatic, though, Mrs. Lift. He's a lunatic.

See, I don't have to be here now, Mrs. Lift.

I could be in Mexico. I could be out of all of this.

I'm only here to stop him...

How do you say this, Mrs. Lift?

Listen to me, Mrs. Lift.

Your son killed my wife,

and now he wants me to kill you.

I'm gonna go read the paper now.

I'm just glad we had this chance to talk.

I'm a fugitive.

The little bastard turned me into Richard Kimble.

Shit and shove me in it.

I gotta get out of here! I gotta go.

Where am I running?

Evidence. Incriminating evidence.

Nothing.

A lei.

Poa jelly.

Not enough.

Poa jelly, a lei, and a doll.

I need some evidence.

Bingo! The mother lode. A plane ticket.

A little careless, Owen.

Air Los Angeles, Hawaii, 10:00 A.M.

I got you! A plane ticket...

With my name on it.

Cops.

Mr. Lift?

We'd like to ask you a few questions.

I hope there's no trouble.

I was at the bowling alley all night.

I hope there's nothing wrong.

We'd like to ask you about Professor Donner.

Professor Donner?

Yes. Would you mind if we came in?

In the house?

Just a few questions.

I'm sorry. You can't.

My momma's real sick. I don't think it's a good idea.

It will only take a minute.

No.

Okay.

Come on up.

If it will only take a minute, that won't be so bad.

Would you like to meet my momma?

We understand you take Professor Donner's course

at Valley College.

Yeah. Creative writing.

I'm gonna put my bowling ball away.

I'm his star pupil.

Do you have any idea where Professor Donner is?

Did you try his apartment?

He goes there a lot. He keeps his stuff there.

You guys want to have some tea?

We've got orange pekoe,

we've got Irish Breakfast,

we've got Darjeeling.

Have you ever heard Professor Donner talk about his wife?

Professor Donner?

He always talked about her like she was an angel.

He loved his wife.

He worshipped... Hi.

Hi, tea.

You never heard him say anything bad about her?

Oh, this is Irish Breakfast.

I'll get Darjeeling.

Whatever you want. We won't be having any.

What was that question?

Momma, you're alive.

Old people. You have to reassure them.

Mr. Lift, can we get back to Professor Donner?

Yes. By all means.

Let's get back to him.

Oh, you know what? This box is empty.

Could you get me some tea in the pantry?

Sure. No problem.

You said he loved his wife.

What gave you that idea?

Oh, I'm sorry, officer.

I have some tea right here on the stove.

It won't be necessary.

Oh. No problem.

Excuse me.

What was that question again?

I said what makes you think he loved his wife?

You know what you could get me is some sugar.

Is it in the pantry?

Yeah.

No problem.

I really shouldn't use sugar in my tea

because I'm carrying around this spare tire,

and I'd like to get rid of it.

But it's so hard to cut back.

Owen, you did it, didn't you, Owen!

No, Momma, I didn't.

Yes, you did!

No, Momma, honest to God, I didn't do it.

You told them to take me away!

Oh. No, Momma. No.

You came to take me away!

I'm sorry. My momma's not feeling very well.

Not feeling well, my foot!

I'm sorry.

You little bastard! I said you'd desert me and you did!

They only way they'll get me outta here is to drag me out.

You're gonna have to take me out in a pine box!

Get out!

Get out of my house!

You're grounded!

I can't believe that you did that.

I can't believe that you brought them in here.

Why didn't you kill Momma?

Because I'm not a killer, Owen.

I can't put a pillow over somebody's face and squeeze the life out of her.

See that door with the hook on it?

Yeah.

Every night around 9:00 she yells "Bath"

and hangs her shawl on that hook.

I'll bet that's where I come in, right?

- Yeah. - How did I know that?

Watch out for my skates.

She'll get out of her chair, she'll go to the door.

You go behind her,

and pow! Down the stairs she goes.

And where are you gonna be?

Howie's Lanes. Come on.

To hell with this guy.

What, am I crazy?

I'm out of here. I can't stay here.

I can't stay in this house!

Stand back, please.

Milk and malomars.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Owen's friend.

Owen doesn't have a friend.

That's because he's shy.

No, he's not. He's fat and he's stupid.

Get out of my house. Where is Owen?

Owen went bowling.

- I want Owen! - He'll be back in a minute.

I want my bath! I want my medicine!

I can get it.

Who the hell are you all of a sudden?

Let me hang that up.

I can hang it up my own goddamn self.

I would like to hang it up for you.

Get out of my way, you black bastard!

What?

He tried to kill me.

What?

I said, he's trying to kill me.

Mrs. Lift! Don't!

I can hang up my own goddamn shawl.

He's trying to kill me.

I asked for the salted nuts.

He brought me the unsalted nuts.

The unsalted nuts make me choke!

Pain in the ass!

Oh, no.

Your friend had an accident. He's dead.

You go bowling and leave a corpse to take care of me.

- He's dead? - See for yourself.

Larry, my friend.

My friend Larry.

"My friend, my friend."

You little crybaby.

Bury him in the yard before he stinks up the place.

Larry, you're alive.

You killed her.

Holy shit!

What a dream I was having!

Louis Armstrong was trying to kill me!

Mrs. Lift?

Get away from me, you horse's ass!

She's not a woman.

She's the Terminator.

From bikes to trains to video games...

The ex-husband of missing novelist Margaret Donner

is wanted for questioning but has now himself disappeared.

If you have any information

regarding the whereabouts of Mr. Donner,

please contact your local police department.

There's a murderer in the house!

Tell the police I found the wife murderer!

He's here!

Give me the phone!

That's it. That's all.

I'm on the next train to Mexico.

Larry, no! This is no time to panic.

This is the perfect time to panic.

She turned me in.

Do what you want with her. I've got to think about myself.

Larry, don't leave me!

I'm sorry, Larry.

It's okay, Owen.

I messed everything up.

Owen, it's gonna be okay.

I ruined your life.

Come on, Owen.

Sometimes things happen in life for a reason.

No, really.

Maybe I was meant to go to Mexico

to become a writer. You never know.

This is a great ending.

I don't have the beginning, but this is a great ending.

Story of my life.

I always have great endings and no beginnings.

That's not good for a writer, is it?

No, it's not.

How about "The night was humid"?

It's hot in here.

Hot and close.

Moist.

Right. "The night was moist."

You see, Owen, this is what I'm talking about.

It's writing.

It's finding the perfect word, the perfect beginning,

the perfect start.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

"Now is the winter of our discontent."

Perfect beginnings, perfect words.

It's like us. We're on a train.

We're going to Mexico, we're on the lam.

It's exciting. It's kinda mysterious.

So what do you say?

Do you say "The night was humid"

or do you say "The night was moist"?

That's writing.

"The night was sultry."

I'm getting the hell out of here.

Too goddamn sultry in here.

Where are you going?

I'm going to kill the bitch.

You want anything?

Get me a Chunky.

Come here, Mrs. Lift.

You stay away from me, you murderer!

Momma.

Mrs. Lift.

Momma!

Murderer! Murderer!

Sultry.

I'll show you something sultry, Mrs. Lift.

G-54.

Stupid bingo!

Don't you idiots know there's a murderer loose on this train?

Mrs. Lift, come back here!

Bingo bastards!

My mother... she's a little overmedicated.

Murderer! Murderer!

There's a murderer on the train!

Wake up, you nutheads!

Murderer!

Excuse me.

Wake up! There's a murderer on the train!

Mrs. Lift, be careful!

Get away from me, you murderer!

No!

Let me down.

You murderer!

Don't kill her!

Save me!

I'm not trying to kill her. I'm trying to save her, ya toad.

Come on, Mrs. Lift.

Owen! Owen, save me!

Save me!

What are you doing with my momma?

Making a wish. What the hell do you think I'm doing?

Oh, you saved me, my Owen.

Mrs. Lift, are you okay?

Beat it, chump!

Bye, Larry!

To tell you the truth,

the whole thing was a little embarrassing, actually.

My earring fell over the rail.

I bent over to retrieve it.

The last thing I remember, I was in the water.

She fell off the boat.

The little bastard never laid a hand on her.

Then this wonderful man, this Adonis of the deep...

I love that. "Adonis of the deep."

She's rescued by a fishing boat.

The woman is priceless. You've got to love this woman.

Do you love this woman?

Shikamoto nursed me back to health,

And I'd like to announce to everyone

that we're going to be married.

Who the hell asked this guy to pull her outta the water anyway?

Margaret Donner, author of the bestseller Hot Fire,

has sold the movie rights of her ordeal at sea for $1.5 million.

Will wonders never cease? Back to you, Stan.

She's a genius. She's getting 1 million 5.

I'm getting glucose four times a day.

I'm getting something down the hall.

What?

Anything. I don't care. I can't take this anymore.

Every 10 minutes, it's Margaret this and Margaret that.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

Hate's no good.

I'm not living here with you in hate.

Get rid of it altogether, Larry, or I'm leaving you.

Over here! Over here!

Great! That's it!

"His name was Owen,"

"and he wanted me to kill his mother."

"When I asked him why,"

"he said because he didn't like her."

"When I asked him, why me, he said it was my idea."

"I was teaching college..."

Hello?

Aloha.

Owen, how are you?

- I'm fine. - Where are you?

I'm in Topanga Canyon. I just killed Beth.

What?

I'm only kidding. Look out your window.

You little couch potato.

Hi, Owen!

Hi, Larry.

Owen, come on up.

Okay.

I missed you.

I missed you, too. It's been a year.

You look terrific.

Thank you, thank you. So do you.

Thanks. How's Momma?

Dead.

I'm sorry.

Well.

Did you...

No!

No. Natural causes.

That's good.

Well, I see that you're writing.

Yeah, I started writing the day I got out of the hospital,

and I haven't stopped, Owen.

I'm half a paragraph away from finishing my book.

I am so excited.

That's great.

It's really something.

You know what they say...

A writer writes, always.

Look, I won't keep you from it.

I just came by to say hello...

Owen, you just got here.

I got to catch a plane... I'm goin' to New York.

I wrote a book. It's gonna be on the stands in two days.

You wrote a book, and it's going to be published?

Owen, that's unbelievable.

It's called Momma And Owen And Owen's Friend Larry.

It's all about you and me and Momma

and our experiences together.

What's your book about?

You wrote a book called Momma And Owen And Owen's Friend Larry?

Yeah.

It's all about our...

Experiences together.

Slut!

You're angry with me?

I don't like you, Owen.

- You want me to leave? - No, I want you dead and in hell!

I can't breathe!

That's because I'm choking you, you moron.

Here. I want you to have this.

- What is this? - That's my book.

What is this? You wrote a pop-up book.

Yeah. Here's where we meet in class.

Pull that tab.

Ooh! See?

And this is you and me and Beth on the choo-choo.

And here's where you meet Momma.

See her cane?

"Ba-a-th!"

And these are my coins.

It's your coin collection!

Instead of you chucking her off a train,

we go on a picnic together.

What do we do, devil egg her to death?

No, there's no death. This is a kid's book.

You wrote a pop-up book.

This is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Here's the best part.

We all go on vacation in Hawaii...

You and me and Beth.

"Hate makes you impotent, love makes you crazy."

"Somewhere in between, you can survive."

It gets better every time I read it.

- Thank you. - Except for the last line.

I beg your goddamn pardon?

"Hate makes you impotent, love makes you crazy?

"Somewhere in the middle, you can survive"?

- Yeah. - It's cryptic.

- Cryptic, he says. - That's right, cryptic.

Watch this, Beth. Have you ever seen a Weeble snorkel?

Look at him.

Actually, I find it a little confusing.

- Are you kidding me? - Just that last line.

Just the last line. This is great.

So you and Sancho Panza agree on this?

I can't believe this.

You're taking criticism from somebody

who had his book signing at Toys 'R' Us.

I don't believe this.

- You're really agreeing with him? - He's got a point.

- He's got a point? - Yeah.

I'm a Book-of-the-Month Club alternate,

on the bestseller list for six weeks.

With his book, you get a free balloon.

I don't understand it.

He's entitled to his opinion.

I know he's entitled to his opinion, but look at him.

He's a buoy with hair.

Keep going a little further, Owen.

Maybe somebody will harpoon you.