All language subtitles for Hacks S03E01

You made up to love me, but the broken
dreams have got to end.

Hey, woman, you got food?

Guess you ain't got no one else.

My wife's tired. There's an open road
that leads nowhere.

So just take the miles between you and
there.

There's a hole in my head where the
wings fit.

You took my body and my life.

Wild, wild woman, quite a shame.

Ain't got nobody else to blame.

Evil woman.

Evil woman.

Evil woman.

Thank you

everyone

for coming. We are so excited to welcome
back Deborah

Vance!

Our Deborah Vance slot machines are
exclusive to the

Palmetto and to Caesars. Where's
Deborah?

Yes, she's a little busy these days.

Such a year since that special came out.
What's next?

Nobel Peace Prize?

It's such an ugly medal.

Gotta tell you, loved the Super Bowl
commercial. Oh, wasn't that fun?

And I actually do love to eat a scoop.

Did you ever imagine you were going to
be on the Time 100 lift?

Yeah.

I loved your special. I loved your
vaccine.

Debra, come to Brazil.

You know, I keep hearing that. You know,
I will. That's not real crap.

Just so you know, I fucking hate your
sister and I want to kill your sister

you.

George, thanks for letting me get up
here. It's the last minute. I'd bump

anybody for you, baby. You've got to be
kidding.

You're the best.

Of course, you've got the biggest
special in the world.

I'm so proud of you, you have no idea.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you, thank
you.

This is so intimate.

I... No, really, I haven't played a room
this small for a while.

So... Anyway, thanks in advance for
being kind. I'm working out some new

material, so...

It might be a little rough.

Why are you laughing?

Anyway, you know, I was out walking my
two corgis the other day.

That's not the joke.

What?

You don't see it?

Mm -mm. The strawberries are with the
waterford crystal, the cacti are with

penguins, and the corn cobs are nowhere
near each other.

It's chaos.

She's obviously not sleeping again.

I might have to sleep Ambien in her
cocoa van.

Good morning.

Hey. You look gorgeous.

Your stylist is in the living room.
Good. And actually, while I have you, we

need to go over a few things with the
collection.

Sure.

It's not good.

For the DV baseball caps, we wanted to
feature one with text. The designer

suggested fabulous on acid wash denim.

Oh, that's so tacky. Let's do chic on
the leopard print hearts.

Perfect. I'll see you at the office.

Hello, hello.

Oh, hi.

So, we have some incredible options for
the award presentation.

Everybody sent look.

Celine, Fendi, Dolce. Oh, the other day
somebody told me Dolce is extremely

problematic.

Okay. No, don't say. We love a woke
queen.

Oh, I didn't say I wouldn't wear it. I'm
just telling you an annoying part of my

week.

Hilarious.

Ooh.

I love that one.

But also, no.

You know?

You know, um, these are all lovely.

Um, but nothing's really speaking to me.
You know, I just... I think I might

have something better in my closet.

I'm going to be alive.

If we were born, born, born.

If we were born, born, born.

If we were born, born, born. If we were
born, born, born.

How's that in between now?

Save.

Yeah, the A's were good to me.

Save.

No.

No.

Predictable. No.

No.

This is it.

I'm not so sure now.

Trust your gut. It's so bright, so bold,
it'll make a splash.

Really?

Love. Obsessed.

Is it me? Yeah.

It was actually custom made for me. I
never got to actually work for the

though, because Polanski fled.

It's actually, it just won't close. But,
you know, did you drink any seltzer

today? Because I read on this website
one time that seltzer can make you

bloated. It definitely would be the
seltzer.

I just need to lose a little bit of
weight. I got two weeks. I can make a

How do these walk?

No word.

Oh, my God.

This better walk.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yay,

my Botox settled.

Mine didn't. I'm going to sue Getty
Images.

Oh, stop.

Disgusting. Oh, hey, Ava said she had
work tonight, so she might still be

working. That's why.

Ava? Ava?

Ava!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry. I was chopping the blocks as they
were flying towards me, and they get

louder as they gather in power.

What's up, you guys?

Hi. Hey, why don't you guys head to the
back, and we'll meet you in a second.

It's over that way.

You know you could have told me if you
didn't want to come to the premiere.

No. I swear to God I worked. I had to
read like 500 pages of fucking research

how the coral reefs are collapsing and
it was so depressing that I literally

to escape to an alternate reality.

Hi. Hi.

Did I look dorky?

No. Not at all. Really?

No. Really sexy.

God.

Fuck. Shit.

I'm sorry, you guys. I'm going to have
to call this in.

You can wait here or you can walk to the
next stop. I'm so sorry. What the hell

is wrong with you? I was distracted.

I'm going to be late for work now. Fuck
you. I'm hearing you.

And also, I want to commend you for
using mass transit.

I'm just going to go wait in my car.

Don't leave the same. I won't. Sorry.

Oh, hi, Louis. Sorry. I'm almost done
with a new draft. Sorry. It's late.

It's not why I'm here.

So the good news, good news is that the
story in the heat dome is turning out

great. Great. Bad news is that Josh is
stuck in Arizona.

All flights have been canceled because
the tires are melted to the tarmac.

Again. Um, so he won't make it to
Montreal for the panel with me this

Do you think he might want to take his
place?

Go instead?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I would love to. Yeah?

Thank you. Great. I'll have Gretchen
send you an information.

Yeah. It'll be fun.

Okay, thanks. All right, goodbye.

Get back to work.

Sorry, it's the last minute.

Oh, my God, it's totally fine. It's so
awesome he asked. Bye.

There are so many other writers I could
have asked who've been there longer.

But he asked you.

Plus, I have fight choreo all weekend.

Apparently, there's, like, a whole
episode that's just one epic fight scene

where I realize my powers as Wolf Girl
during the fight.

Oh, my God. Of course the female
protagonist doesn't know what's going on

her own body.

Actually, it's like a metaphor for how
society views female anger as

impalatable.

Oh, that's really good, then.

Do you need me to pick up your car while
you're gone?

Oh, thank you, but I guess it's going to
be a while. I hope that guy's paying

for it since he hit you.

Yeah, for sure he will.

BMW drivers.

Such dickheads.

Zoom zooming around, you know.

Hey, do you know where my collapsible
water bottle is?

Oh, yeah, I'll check with him.

Thank you.

You did it up, then.

Oh, my God!

Could you have driven any slower?

We missed three shows already.

Yeah, well, that was harrowing. Why
would you rent a $300 ,000 car in a new

city? With French road sign. Because JFL
is the comedy industry event of the

year, Jimmy.

Debra's doing amazing. I want people to
know we're doing amazing, too. It's all

about peacocking, baby.

No, it's not.

Reps come to this festival to... Cheat
on their wives.

Sure, but we are here to see fresh,
interesting new voices, okay?

Stop stressing.

Me trust fun is Sue trust fun. Just
charge it.

Thank you. She has a huge bag in the
back, and also it's very sensitive. Be

careful on the gas.

Hey, Jimmy.

Kayla. Hey,

guys. What's up?

Surprised to see you two here. You know
this is new faces, not old faces, right?

Ha ha, very funny. Just so you know, we
have a diverse roster of clients of

every age. Yeah, I saw you just signed
Valerie Bertinelli.

Yeah, we did. Huge get. A lot of people
wanted Valerie, but we got her. And

guess what? We only represent Valerie
Bertinelli's non -cooking appearances,

you actually fucking don't know what
you're talking about, Dan. Whatever. We

gotta go.

Hey, good luck this winter. A bad flu
season could knock out your whole

Oh, shut the fuck up, okay?

Whoa. Great to see you guys.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Yeah. Silas. I just drove a Lambo, by
the way, just now.

Congrats.

And he did a good job driving around.

So 80s in here.

Oh, is that true? Is it the birds?

Logan and Miria, right? Ava from the Ice
Age Roundtable. Oh, hey.

You guys were so fucking funny at that.
Oh my God, no, you were. Seriously, we

were talking about it.

Oh, that's so nice of you to say. I was
a little nervous because I'm not super

familiar with the universe.

Oh, who cares?

Sorry.

Are you wearing black pashmina?

Yeah, my boss says I don't process
onions well, so she gave me a bottle to

every time I'm around her, but it's
fine.

Yeah, thanks.

Are you working for Debra Van?

Yeah. Yeah, we've been writing for her
for like a few months. Yeah, she's

winning comedy special of the year.

She's here?

Yeah.

Do you know if her manager's here too?
And then I asked myself, you know, do I

even want to date a male model at this
point in my life?

The answer was yeah. Okay, Kayla.

Who are those Latitude douchebags
talking to?

Oh, um, Clive, somebody?

Yeah, that's one of the shows that we
missed on stage four.

Apparently he's the toast of the town.

Okay,

we gotta meet that guy. We are gonna
sign him before Latitude does.

Okay, there we go. We got a live one.

I'll do some recon after I hit the
little ladies room. Do you happen to

tampon?

Why would I?

I don't know, Jimmy.

Hey, Debra's here.

You're here?

Yeah, Lewis asked me to join a panel
last minute. Oh, my God, Ava, that's

That's awesome. And she hired new
writers?

You know what?

She hired two, which is actually a
compliment, isn't it? She had to replace

with two people. Wow.

Also, you look great.

I like this blazer. Very writer.

I'm not ready to see her.

Ava!

That doesn't matter at all. Hey!

Holy shit, that's Winnie Landau.

Who? The head of your network.

Introduce me. Be charming. Come on.

Fifteen people, none of them like me. I
agree. Well, I don't think she's funny.

Ava, this is Winnie Landell. She gave me
my job sold by proxy. She gave you

yours. What are you?

Uh, mostly Irish, a little Scottish. No,
no, I mean agent or stand -up. Oh, no,

I'm a writer. Of course you are.

Actually, she's my favorite writer.

Keep that on the down low.

Hi, Louis.

Winnie. I am Jimmy Lussac, Jr. I'm Ava's
manager and a huge fan of yours.

Everything you've done at the network.
Jimmy Lussac's kid?

Yes. I knew him. I fucked him once.

After the divorce.

Mine. Not his.

I don't know. Maybe his.

We didn't talk much.

What year?

Have you seen the spicy tuna guy?

No.

Was it post -96?

So, Winnie and I headed to dinner, and
then after we're going to go to Seth and

Evan's party. Do you want to go to that?
Yes. Yeah.

Hey, hey, spicy tuna.

Okay, see you there. Okay.

Wow,

blunt. You okay?

Yeah, I'm sure it was after the divorce.
So, do you think that was an invitation

for both of us, or just you? I don't
know, I'll find out. I literally sweat

through my shirt when I heard about
Debra, so I gotta change if I'm going to

this party. Okay.

Text me, all right?

Oh, sorry, can you hold the door?

Sorry, thank you.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Wow. Oh, my God. Deborah, hi.

Hi. I had no idea you were here.

Give me a hug.

Wow.

Wow.

Well, it's an honor to be in the
presence of Supreme Streetwear Royalty.

Congrats on everything. It's been really
cool to see it all from afar,

obviously. It's been a good year.

How are you doing?

Good. All good. Really good.

So, doing good, yeah.

You look well.

Thanks.

And you look, uh, the same.

That's the goal.

So, um, what are you up to? I had to do
a really cool party.

We're on my way right now.

It's on the roof.

Top.

Fabulous.

Oh, shoot, it's me.

Um, it's good to see you.

Have fun.

Okay.

I look well.

You got nothing on my new haircut.
You're not going to say I look like a

page boy or something?

No, I just thought maybe you'd put a
child's wig on backward. There we go.

Thank you.

Can I start on the blazer now?

Sorry. Is that the Tom Cruise coconut
cake?

How the hell did you know that?

It's a famous cake.

Every Christmas he sends one to his
entire contact list. I've read about it

years. Kirsten Dunn said it was one of
the best cakes she's ever had and she

a Marie Antoinette.

Well, I guess Tom just thought it
special and he loved it.

That's cool.

How is it?

Fantastic. That was very funny.

Ha -ha. I mean the cake.

I'm off sugar now.

So... No one's eating the Tom Cruise
coconut cake?

Would you like to try it? Yeah, for
sure. Thank you.

Love that.

I just want to say...

For the record, I'm not a Tom Cruise
guy, and I actually think leading man

culture is really toxic, but I do want
to see what this tastes like, strictly

from an anthropological standpoint.

Sure.

Wow.

Yep.

Yep.

That is fucking good.

You seriously aren't even going to have
any?

No. I have to fit into a dress that I
have to wear tomorrow night, so if I

have a bite of something sweet, I'll
crave it. Can't even look at a peach.

Very you.

All or nothing.

So, I met your new writers.

How are they?

They're very good joke writers.

So, what are you doing here at the
festival?

Oh, well, I've actually been writing on
that very prestigious show, On the

Contrary.

Oh, that's incredible.

Congratulations.

Have you seen it?

I've seen clips.

Yeah.

It's really good.

Really popular.

Really award -winning.

So, yeah, I'm here to represent the show
on a panel tomorrow.

Changing the world with laughter.

Ah! Yeah.

So, I don't know. I'm just bummed
because I wish my girlfriend Ruby...

The hot actress was here. She's stuck in
L .A. filming for this D .C. show she's

in. It's called Wolf Girl. She's the
lead, the titular wolf girl.

So it's top secret, though.

Don't tell anybody.

That your girlfriend's a dog?

I think you're the one that should stop
talking about it.

Yeah, we just moved in together.

Gorgeous house, you know, natural light,
like everywhere, vaulted ceilings.

Sounds lovely.

Good view?

Gorgeous. Well, that's good. I'm really
happy for you.

Well, I should get going. Thanks for the
cake.

Enjoy Montreal.

Oh, I won't.

It's Paris in the ears, but Hartford on
the eyes.

Uh, is that the dress you're trying to
fit into for tomorrow?

Isn't it gorgeous?

Um, no.

It's literally the most hideous dress
I've ever seen in my entire life.

It's Bill Blath couture.

It's one of a kind.

Well, thank God there's only one of
those.

Okay, you're insane.

I mean, look at this.

I am. That's the problem.

It's gorgeous.

I'm in the crinoline detailing alone.

Lady, I don't know what to tell you,
okay? It's fugly ass. It's giving big

Oh, my God.

You know nothing about fashion. You
dress like you're about to have lunch on

steel girder.

Hey, whatever.

You can wear whatever you want.

Yeah, I know I can, and I will.

You know, it's just sad that you're so
wrong about this. I mean, everybody

this dress.

Damien, Marcus, my stylist, all of her
assistants. Everyone on your payroll.

Okay.

All right, I'm going to prove you wrong.

Hi. Could you please send up a bellhop?

A gay one?

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

You're insane.

We'll see.

Oh, my God. I can't believe sneaking up
the stairs worked.

Crashing a party is big Lambo energy,
Jimmy. You know, we are fucking signing

this guy.

There he is.

Okay, let's go.

I appreciate you. Thank you.

Thanks. Hey, there he is, the toast of
the fest. How are you? I'm Jimmy Lasek,

Jr., manager.

Hi. Kayla Schaefer, co -founder and
assistant to Jimmy.

Nice to meet you guys.

You too. Dude, your show.

Unbelievable. So good. I can't even talk
about it. Don't want to. And we were

there. That's very nice. I appreciate
that. Thank you.

Look, I'm not going to bullshit with
small talk. I'd love to sign you. And

that's a huge deal.

Wow. You can go with a bigger firm if
you want.

But we come from a place like that. And
I can tell you firsthand, they will not

treat you with the same kind of care and
attention that we can. We are really

good at developing long -term strategy
for our clients. We're very thoughtful.

And we want to create a five -year and a
ten -year plan for you.

Okay.

Uh, you guys really think I can make it?

Oh, we know it.

Wow. Man, I appreciate that.

I do, because, I mean, I've been talking
to some of the other reps, and they've

been, you know, hesitant.

Well, they're idiots, okay? Fucking
losers.

Well, we represent Debra Vance. Total
icon.

Between us, she is 7 -inch and doing
better than ever, okay? That's going to

you when you're that age.

Man, your optimism is so inspiring.

I'm in.

Yeah. Let's do it. Well, all right. Hey.

Welcome to la familia.

All right. Dude, we're going to get
celebratory drinks, OK? OK, I shouldn't,

yeah, all right. Let's do it. OK.

Get in the bathroom. What? Why? Because
I don't want you influencing him. Go.

Fine.

Hi. I need the cash up front. My pants
stay on.

Where is he? Oh, my God, no.

No, no, no, no. No, I just had a good
question for you. Come on in. Amazing.

Not in the mood.

Okay, this dress.

What do you think?

Why are you asking me?

Did you, like, did you work on it?

No, no. I just want to know honestly
what you think.

Honest opinion.

It's weird.

Okay. One might say, like, it's ugly.
It's really ugly. I would say it's

ugly. Hey!

Okay. That was a very leading line of
questioning.

This dress is gorgeous. It was custom
made for me.

Oh, on you.

You would wear it. Oh, I actually think
then that could be fierce, actually. I

mean, that could be a slay. You're like
my queen.

You can go. Oh, hold on. I was imagining
it on her. You have to understand.

There you go. Thank you so much.

She tricked me.

I don't even think he's gay.

You really shouldn't assume someone's
sexual orientation, but he absolutely

Well, if he's gay with an ass like that,
he's got worse problems than my

assumption. Debra, well, I mean, he
didn't say he was gay. Not everyone

around announcing their sexual
orientation.

Well, that's what I thought until I met
you.

I'm going to have another drink. You
want one before you go?

Um, sure.

Just one.

I've been to them.

Well, well, well.

Latitude, boys. We're just having
celebratory drinks because we just

Clive Matthews. Oh. He's got a burn,
huh? I mean, not really. We weren't

to sign him. Why not? His show is like
the show of the festival. Everybody's

talking about it. We got there first.

Did you even see it?

The guy's got three months to live.

Yeah, he's terminal.

Really sad.

Oh, my God.

It wasn't on stage four. It's called
stage four.

Wait, what?

What does he have?

Ligma.

Ligma? Yeah.

Ligma ball.

Oh, my God.

Shut up.

Are you guys, are you doing a bit? Is he
really sick?

He is. It sucks.

Beautiful show, though.

No, it's true.

He has boba.

Both of these nuts. Oh, my God. Get the
fuck out of my fucking face.

I'm rooting for him. Get out of here,
Silas, please.

Silas is up your ass. He's sending
chills down my spine.

Get over the Silas thing, please. We
have bigger problems.

And no more signing fresh, young talent,
all right? Let's just stick with the

clients we have and do right by them.

Should I set that meeting with Vanna
White? She wants to do a musical.

Yes.

Hey, Clive, looking good, brother.

Healthy as a dog.

I told him no. Why not?

Because I didn't want to get herpes.

I mean, a cold sore on top of filler is
a nightmare.

So it seems like you're having fun.

How could I not be? I'm selling out
bigger venues than ever. Strangers pay

my meals. My commercial quote is
astronomical now. Oh, good. I was going

about your commercial quote.

Astronomical.

You and your scribes working on new
material?

No, not really.

It's weird. I have so much goodwill from
the special that the audience laughs at

practically anything I say.

And you hate that?

No. Oh, come on. You hate it.

You need a challenge. That's why you're
trying to crash diet your way into that

hideous dress.

I mean, how many other amazing dresses
could you look incredible in right now?

Billions. Exactly.

You're creating obstacles for yourself.

Maybe. Oh, well, you're here. Well,
you're here for my speech tomorrow

Did I ever tell you that story about how
I was potty training DJ and a cat at

the same time?

It wasn't a competition, but the cat
won.

Would this joke be funnier ending with
shitter or toilet?

I don't know.

Which is funnier, shitter or toilet?

Yeah, I'm not sure.

Well, just think about it. What's your
opinion?

Not really my department.

Well, yeah, it kind of is. You're a
comedy writer.

Yeah, but not for you.

You fired me. I don't work for you
anymore.

Okay,

as a friend.

A friend?

If I'm your friend, then why haven't you
texted me back in, like, nine fucking

months?

Yeah, I've been busy, too. That's not an
excuse to just never respond,

especially to objectively funny memes.

Oh, you mean the yellow guy in the bush?
Oh, my God. It's Homer Simpson.

Show some respect.

Look, I apologize for some unanswered
texts, but that was kind of the whole

point, you going out on your own.

And it worked. I mean, you're changing
the world with laughter.

Okay, but why did you have to cut me out
cold turkey?

To teach me some kind of a lesson? What
are you, Mr. Miyagi, and I'm the karate

kid? I wouldn't kill you to learn how to
wear a belt.

Don't make jokes.

I had to go to couple therapy because my
girlfriend was so sick of me talking

about it.

You ignoring me really hurt my feelings.

Some things are better with a clean
break.

Maybe for you.

But did you even think about how that
would make me feel?

Did you think about me at all?

You know, I didn't deserve to be cut out
like that, okay? I'm not your sister.

I'm not Joy Behar.

Someone had too much sugar.

Oh, my God.

What is wrong with you? I do not miss
this bullshit.

In fact, why am I even here?

I'm supposed to be at a cool party. You
know what? Congrats on your fucking

award, Debra.

I'll see you.

And also from the Peabody Award winning
On the Contrary with Louis Benton,

please welcome Ava Daniels.

It was just a stupid one -line joke, but
at the same time, it did speak to the

massive injustice in the fintech sector
that did affect change, and that felt

really, really cool.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Well, we're going to use our last 15
minutes here to take some questions from

the audience. Yes, you in the striped
shirt.

Hi. My question is for Ava. Oh, no.

No, I'm just kidding.

Go ahead.

So you have my dream job, not to be a
downer, but I feel like I've been

at this for a while now, and I'm just
starting to doubt that I'm going to get

the job that I actually want. So I guess
I'm just wondering if you have any

advice for someone who feels like it
just might be too hard.

Well, I guess I'd say you just got to
take a ton of shots on goal. You know,

just keep trying, keep at it, and one of
those shots is going to get in.

Thank you.

Hey, the gentleman in the back with the
red shirt. Actually, sorry.

What you were saying about it being
hard, it is really, really hard.

And to be honest, that doesn't ever
change.

You know, you've got to scratch and
claw, and it doesn't get better.

It just gets harder.

But the scratch in the very beginning is
the fun part.

It's the good part.

And, you know, I hope you get every job
that you want, but just

try to enjoy where you're at right now
because

you'll miss it, and you can never go
back.

Thank you.

But these stories don't mean anything

when you've got no one to tell them.

I was looking for someone.

They checked out.

Oh, thank you.