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I'm just afraid that macaroni art
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could be offensive to our "I-talian" Families.
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I mean, imagine how you'd feel, you know,
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if I'd made some sort of bagel statue,
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you know?
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Oh. Gotta go.
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Principal Thomas?
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Mr. And Mrs. Huang, come in. Come in.
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We came as soon as we could.
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Whatever Evan and Emery are in trouble for,
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Eddie put them up to it.
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Oh, don't worry. Your boys aren't in trouble.
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Oh.
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- What a relief! - Good!
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You are.
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- What?! - Why? What did we do?
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It's what you haven't do.
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We've been looking through our records,
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and we noticed that you haven't volunteered
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for any extracurricular activities.
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Why... why would we do that?
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Mrs. Huang, our school budget has experienced major cutbacks.
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We rely on parents to supervise our after-school programs.
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Well, I'm sorry. We're busy with our own after-school programs.
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They're called jobs.
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Uh, what my wife means is she has her real estate career,
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and I have my steakhouse.
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Look, we can't volunteer.
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Is there anything else we can do?
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Well, you can donate money.
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- How do we volunteer?
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Boys, we've got great news.
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Where'd you get quesadillas?
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You told me I couldn't use the oven,
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but you never said anything about the iron.
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Both of your schools
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are making your father and me mandatory volunteer.
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I have to the boss of some costume show?
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You're directing the school play.
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Oh. Oh, yay!
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Me and Evan are in the play!
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You are? Why? You're not gonna become actors.
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You think they're gonna put two Chinese boys on TV?
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Maybe if there's a nerdy friend
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or a magical thing where someone wanders into a Chinatown,
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but no.
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The play is fun.
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Let me tell you a story about fun.
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Once, there was a little girl, and all she wanted
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was a sparkle time beauty horse.
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The knockoff version of my little pony.
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When you hugged them, it burned,
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but you played through that pain.
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And one in every five had a human face.
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Did the little girl ever get one?
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No, she got something even better...
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a strong work ethic.
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She focused on her studies
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and became the first one in her family to go to college.
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Think about that.
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What girl was she talking about?
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Connie Chung. Has to be Connie Chung.
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Who else is there?
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Dad, are you volunteering for the school play, too?
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Nope, I got a good one.
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I'm coaching Eddie's basketball team.
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Oh, dope! We've never had a coach.
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Trent's been wearing a tie
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and putting his hands on his waist a lot,
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but nobody's buying it.
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You bums!
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I mentioned I played semi-pro basketball
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back in Taiwan, and they assigned it to me.
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What?! You played hoops? You never told me that!
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No, it was years ago. I didn't wanna brag.
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But yeah.
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I played point guard in the Mystic Tiger league.
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That is awesome!
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Are you gonna teach us how to play taiwanese-style basketball?
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Only way I know how.
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Whoa.
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This... Is gonna be...
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amazing.
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Uhh! Aah!
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Huh?
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Huh? Whoa.
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Aah!
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Whoa. That certainly explains how he caught the apple.
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Well, I am so glad you are helping us out, Jessica.
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Yes, became mandatory. Yes.
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Oop! Looks like rehearsal has started.
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Oh. What am I seeing?
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It's called "The sunflower gang goes to Yumland."
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The kids love it.
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Every character has the same number of lines,
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and all the world's cultures are equally represented.
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We've been performing it for six years running...
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- Mm. - without offending anyone,
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and that includes our "I-talian" Families.
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Oh.
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I'm gonna leave you here with the other directors.
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Other directors?
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Looking good, Maurice.
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Damn you, Tetris.
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You have four other parents here. Why do you need me?
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Diversity.
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Plus, when you're putting on a show,
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you can never have too many voices chiming in.
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The Mystic Tiger league?
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Yeah, man. Taiwanese-style ball.
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It's gonna be sick.
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If you think our team's good now, wait till my dad shows up.
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Wait's over! Hi, boys.
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I'm coach Huang, your new...
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coach.
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Dad, teach us how to fly, kick, and dunk at the same time.
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We'll get to that.
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But for now, everybody grab a partner.
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And line up across from each other.
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Now this first drill is called the B.P. Dragon.
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Awesome. Nice!
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I want you to bounce the ball to your partner...
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Good. And they bounce the ball back.
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And you keep doing that 200 times.
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- What is that? - It's the bounce pass dragon,
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faithful guardian of the passing lane.
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Dad, can I talk to you?
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Uh, sure.
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Uh, go ahead and try some passes, boys.
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Remember, thumbs down on the release,
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like you're helping a stubborn goat cross a bridge.
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I thought you were gonna teach us taiwanese-style ball.
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That's what I'm doing.
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That was taiwanese-style basketball?
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Absolutely.
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When you play that far below the rim,
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it's all about fundamentals and teamwork.
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I thought you played in the Mystic Tiger league.
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I did. We were sponsored by Mystic Tiger cigarettes.
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They advertised themselves as the breakfast cigarette.
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Well, we're not trying to learn bounce passes.
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We wanna look cool.
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Eddie, basketball isn't about looking cool.
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It's about being a good teammate.
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That'll help you in life as well.
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I couldn't run Cattleman's Ranch without my team.
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Trust me, one day you'll thank me for this.
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I told you, Doug, I'm the goggle guy.
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You can be the wristband guy.
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I don't wanna be the wristband guy!
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My wrists get hot!
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Well, we can't have two goggle guys on the team.
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How will people tell us apart?
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- Take 'em off! - No! No!
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Hey, boys, stop! You're on the same team!
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Dad, let me handle this.
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Fight! Fight!
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Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
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All feelings are valid!
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The early birds catches the hug!
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What a waste of time.
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Can you imagine if we'd told our parents
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we wanna do something like this?
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My mother was supportive of my creative pursuits.
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I actually did the temp track for the voice of the baby
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in "Look who's talking."
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Kirstie Alley is crazy.
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I mean, my husband and I moved to this country
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to give our kids a better life, not this nonsense.
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Do you think Tetris knows when you need an "I"
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and purposely doesn't give it to you?
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Woof woof!
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Meow!
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Aw, hell, no!
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All right, boys, I got a surprise for you.
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I ordered us new uniforms.
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Where's the rest of the shorts?
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We don't need all the extra fabric
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getting in the way of our footwork.
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Come on out, Dave!
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Look how free his thighs are!
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And white.
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Looks like someone bleached a ghost.
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Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Parents have to wait in the gym.
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Dad, that's Dmitri, our star player.
186
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But...
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He's on the team? How old is he?
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11 1/2.
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What?!
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But he's already balding.
191
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That's where his head hits the rim.
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But he wasn't at practice.
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Dad, Dmitri doesn't practice.
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He just shows up to games and crushes it.
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Eddie, you can't count on one player to carry a whole team.
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If you do, I think you'll find...
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Dmitri! Dmitri! Dmitri! Dmitri! Dmitri!
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Dmitri!
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You lost the game, huh?
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No. We won.
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It... was... awesome.
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Dmitri looked right at me,
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like he almost thought about passing to me!
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Why aren't you happy? You won.
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Because it's not about winning.
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I'm trying to teach these kids about teamwork,
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but their priorities are all wrong.
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Exactly. They have no work ethic. Not like us.
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They think life is all gumdrops and worm hugs.
210
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And cool goggles and long, flashy shorts.
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That's why I'm rewriting the school play,
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to teach the boys something useful.
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That's what I'm trying to do with Eddie,
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help prepare him for the real world.
215
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But I don't think he gets it.
216
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Too bad they don't have caddies in basketball,
217
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'cause I would just love to carry Dmitri's bag and be like,
218
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"Hey, d., what do you need?
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Ball? Towel? Sports drink?"
220
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,190
Is that really what you wanna take away from this?
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Carrying Dmitri's bag?
222
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It's better than carrying grandma's bag like Evan.
223
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Grandma, do you need anything in here?
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Maybe ones of your "TV guides"?
225
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Okay, boys, enough goofing off!
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Let's run some drills.
227
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,110
Oh. You think drills are lame?
228
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Well, you know who doesn't think they're lame?
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Your NBA hero John Stockton.
230
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He may play for the jazz,
231
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but there's no improvisation in his game.
232
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I saw it on the "Sportscenter" Show.
233
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It teaches the importance of shar...
234
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Ohh!
235
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Nice shot.
236
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Of course, that never would've happened
237
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if I was actually defending Dmitri,
238
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in which case, I would have my arms up,away from my body.
239
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Ohh! Yeah!
240
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Eddie, hold my whistle.
241
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Pull up a chair, gumdrop. You can be our study buddy.
242
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Thanks, but I don't need to study anymore.
243
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I found a new thing to be when I grow up.
244
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It's called acting.
245
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Act-ing? What's that?
246
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Something that doesn't require preparation or hard work.
247
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I'm studying to be a doctor so I can make my parents proud.
248
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And I'm prepping for the bar exam
249
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so I can become a lawyer and have... A stable income and health insurance.
250
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Well, if you wanna do homework, that's your "Pagrogative."
251
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I'm gonna go get some head shots taken.
252
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Mom, why'd you take out the part where we go to candy corn mountain?
253
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Because we are doing a new play.
254
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It's called "Acting, a cautionary tale,
255
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or Mr. Gumdrop goes to lazywood."
256
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Ohh!
257
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You just got poster-ized, coach!
258
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o, I was just letting Dmitri show you an example of
259
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what's wrong with basketball today.
260
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Yeah, we caught that lesson five dunks ago.
261
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Dmitri!
262
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Well, then now you're ready for your next lesson.
263
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A layup is worth just as many points as a dunk.
264
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Substance over style.
265
00:12:57,740 --> 00:12:59,040
Uhh! Uhh!
266
00:12:59,100 --> 00:12:59,980
Aah!
267
00:13:01,110 --> 00:13:03,780
Dad? I think he's hurt.
268
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,220
Uh, on the bright side,
269
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,180
I peeked at Dmitri's medical records,
270
00:13:10,220 --> 00:13:12,600
and he is indeed 11 1/2.
271
00:13:18,190 --> 00:13:20,060
So our best player...
272
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:23,420
by the fault of no one in particular is out for the season.
273
00:13:24,190 --> 00:13:25,350
Dmitri.
274
00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:29,830
But we can still win this game by playing good team basketball.
275
00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:31,760
You're still coming at us with that noise?
276
00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:35,160
This isn't Taiwan, dad. Nobody plays like that anymore.
277
00:13:38,570 --> 00:13:42,200
I'm gonna tell you guys a story about a team back in Taipei.
278
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:46,340
They were a band of ragtag misfits from all over corners of town.
279
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,080
Some of them were too small. Others too big.
280
00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:51,210
One of them was a girl.
281
00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:52,540
But they worked together,
282
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:56,860
developed a play called "The flying v," and became unstoppable!
283
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,560
Isn't that "The Mighty Ducks"?
284
00:14:04,190 --> 00:14:04,800
Um...
285
00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,550
I don't know what you're talking about.
286
00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:08,270
We rented it last weekend.
287
00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:10,270
We were hit with a rewind fee, and you're like,
288
00:14:10,310 --> 00:14:13,310
"I will not pay a rewind fee for 'The Mighty Ducks'!"
289
00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:14,750
Mm, not ringing a bell.
290
00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:17,820
Look, the point is, you guys are ready for this.
291
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,180
You have all the training you need,
292
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:20,320
so let's go out there
293
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,660
and let's win one for Charlie Sheen's brother!
294
00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:37,540
That's half time!
295
00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:39,060
Aw, son of a bitch!
296
00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:43,740
Man, you suck!
297
00:14:49,550 --> 00:14:51,920
So... cold.
298
00:14:55,430 --> 00:14:57,380
Someone needs our help.
299
00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:01,780
Just as I thought...
300
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,370
this bum-drop hasn't worked in months.
301
00:15:04,390 --> 00:15:06,230
That's not a bum-drop.
302
00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:09,700
That's gumdrop, a classmate from my youth!
303
00:15:09,730 --> 00:15:12,840
I never should've become an actor.
304
00:15:13,270 --> 00:15:16,000
It was a complete waste of time.
305
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,060
Oh, what happened to Yumland?
306
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,320
Why aren't the other children on stage?
307
00:15:21,340 --> 00:15:22,500
I cut them.
308
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,660
If they wanna be actors so bad,
309
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,850
they should get used to being unemployed.
310
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,920
Jessica, the school play's supposed to be fun.
311
00:15:28,950 --> 00:15:31,090
Don't you do anything just for fun?
312
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,120
Yes. I teach my children valuable life lessons
313
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:35,560
so they can become successful.
314
00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:37,220
Ah. Okay. Okay.
315
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,460
I can see where we've been getting some complaints.
316
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:40,430
Who complained?
317
00:15:40,460 --> 00:15:42,760
Hey! Unicorn girl with a lisp!
318
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,460
Was it you? I can't put you up there.
319
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,770
No one understands what you're saying.
320
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,770
I'm thowwy.
321
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,020
You see what I have to work with?
322
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,430
Speaking from experience,
323
00:15:58,450 --> 00:16:00,180
that was a spanking.
324
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:03,280
They have their own Dmitri. He scored all their points.
325
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,820
I can't believe we still have another half to play.
326
00:16:06,850 --> 00:16:09,490
Guys, good news. I have a plan.
327
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:10,760
We can quit.
328
00:16:10,790 --> 00:16:13,330
I was talking to the ref, and there's a mercy rule.
329
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,800
He even drew us a map to the nearest Shakey's.
330
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,580
Apparently, there's a loser's discount
331
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,770
on mojo potatoes.
332
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,970
Thank goodness! - Yes!
333
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,270
I call shotgun!
334
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,500
Eddie, you were right.
335
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,710
Basketball clearly isn't about team anymore.
336
00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:28,760
It's about who has the biggest star.
337
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,180
Monday, I'm calling your school
338
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,290
and telling them to get you a new coach.
339
00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,680
No, dad, you can't quit!
340
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:35,820
And neither can we.
341
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,080
We have to beat these jerks.
342
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,720
How? Their Dmitri's stronger than us, bigger than us.
343
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:42,780
It's hopeless.
344
00:16:42,820 --> 00:16:43,800
No, it's not.
345
00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:47,130
Like my dad said, when you're playing this far below the rim,
346
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,460
it's all about teamwork.
347
00:16:48,930 --> 00:16:50,560
I guess what I mean is...
348
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,030
Quack.
349
00:16:52,070 --> 00:16:53,300
Quack.
350
00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:55,030
Quack.
351
00:16:55,070 --> 00:16:56,170
Quack.
352
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,470
Quack.
353
00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:00,780
Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!
354
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:01,820
I love all this quacking,
355
00:17:01,860 --> 00:17:03,780
but you know there's no way we can win.
356
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:05,500
I never said we had to win.
357
00:17:06,470 --> 00:17:09,460
I said we had to beat them.
358
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:27,720
Foul!
359
00:17:33,540 --> 00:17:34,680
Uhh!
360
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,160
- You're outta here! - With pleasure!
361
00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:17,940
And that's exactly how it happened, mom.
362
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,230
We set the record for most fouls.
363
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:21,760
And we did it as a team.
364
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,660
Thanks to you, dad, we didn't just school them.
365
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:26,750
We old schooled them.
366
00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:27,900
Well not really.
367
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,280
I don't remember teaching you to nut punch,
368
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:32,920
but you did work together as a team.
369
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,100
I'm proud of you.
370
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,660
Hey, your dad told me that you guys are in a play.
371
00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:39,800
That's so exciting.
372
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:40,860
I'm an actress, too.
373
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,680
I shot a home movie in a guy's apartment.
374
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,790
And now you're a waitress?
375
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:46,120
Slash actress.
376
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:49,520
So I don't know if your play is already cast up, but...
377
00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:51,480
Keep me in mind.
378
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:52,290
That's an old picture.
379
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:53,760
It's before I grew into my teeth.
380
00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:59,630
Mom, we don't wanna be in the play anymore.
381
00:18:59,650 --> 00:19:00,300
Really?
382
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,580
It's a waste of time. We wanna focus on our future.
383
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,810
And not end up in the gutter with a low credit rating,
384
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,270
like Mr. Gumdrop.
385
00:19:07,310 --> 00:19:09,880
Good. You got the point of the play.
386
00:19:09,910 --> 00:19:13,020
Your backpacks are in the car. You can go study.
387
00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:16,420
They are so lucky to have us.
388
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,840
Well, we're also lucky to have them.
389
00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:21,480
Their lives are much different than ours were.
390
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:25,400
I know. Can you imagine if we had wasted time like they do?
391
00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:27,580
Oh, we never had the chance, Jessica.
392
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,800
But isn't that why we work so hard,
393
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:32,530
to give them the opportunity to do things that we couldn't do?
394
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:34,980
I mean, would it have been so bad
395
00:19:35,020 --> 00:19:37,840
if your parents had given you a strong work ethic
396
00:19:37,870 --> 00:19:39,220
and the glitter horse?
397
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,680
I worked so hard.
398
00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:46,610
I did all my schoolwork, all my chores.
399
00:19:46,650 --> 00:19:49,110
I deserved a little horse
400
00:19:49,150 --> 00:19:51,550
with brittle hair to comb and braid
401
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:53,990
and a human face to kiss at night.
402
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,750
I would have named her sugar applebalm
403
00:19:57,770 --> 00:20:00,210
and built her a stable out of tissue boxes.
404
00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:03,060
And Janet Yi had three horses
405
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:05,840
and she went to Harvard and became an assistant D.A.,
406
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,820
and ultimately, she died in a plane crash,
407
00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:10,470
but when she died, she was flying first class,
408
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,040
like a boss!
409
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:16,700
Janet Yi's not dead.
410
00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:18,200
Well, someone is!
411
00:20:22,140 --> 00:20:23,260
Woof woof!
412
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:24,000
Meow!
413
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,280
Whee!
414
00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:30,240
This play is a mess.
415
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:32,340
It's a huge waste of time.
416
00:20:32,530 --> 00:20:34,640
Oh, but they're having fun.
417
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:38,700
Plus, it'll look good on a college application.
418
00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:41,680
Thmile! Two thooting thtars!
419
00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:44,540
What did she say?
420
00:20:44,570 --> 00:20:46,220
Nobody knows.
421
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,820
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
422
00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,540
You don't think I should move in with him?
423
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,130
I have confidence that you'll do what is right.
424
00:20:56,170 --> 00:20:58,020
Based on what?
425
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,830
So no asians on TV, huh?
426
00:21:00,850 --> 00:21:02,520
_
427
00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:05,190
_
428
00:21:06,850 --> 00:21:10,220
Look what came in the mail, all the way from Taiwan.
429
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:12,880
Took a lot of phone calls, but I tracked one down.
430
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,560
Oh! Sparkle time beauty horse!
431
00:21:16,930 --> 00:21:26,930
m 16 2 l 3 8 l 12 8 l 12 6 l 16 6 m 33 -5 l 37 8 l 42 8 m 29 -12 l 21 -12 l 24 -10 l 24 6 l 23 8 l 30 8 l 25 -5 l 27 -10 l 31 -10 m -15 -5 l -23 8 l -7 8 m -9 -12 l 12 -12 l 2 -8 l 2 -4 l 13 -9 l 15 -7 l 2 -1 l 2 2 l 16 -4 l 16 -2 l 2 4 l 1 6 m -11 -24 l 15 -24 l 15 -22 l 1 -22 l 1 -16 l 11 -16 l 11 -19 l 25 -19 l 28 -15 l -11 -15 m -20 -22 l -24 -15 l -20 -15 m -26 -12 l -21 -12 l -32 6 l -33 6 l -33 8 l -39 8
432
00:21:18,180 --> 00:21:20,760
Oh, and it's a face one!
433
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,600
My face burning is how I know you love me back.
434
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,140
Ow!
29787
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