All language subtitles for Thirtysomething - 01x02 - The Parents Are Coming

If you figure out how to
get this through the hole,

you can apply early decision
to Harvard

and compensate for Daddy's
low SAT scores

and the fact that he didn't
get into his first choice

and he had to settle
for a safety school.

What?

What?

Oh.

- When?
- In two days.

Oh, no. Two days?

Ruth, how was the trip?

Humiliate any flight attendants?

Ted, how's retirement?
Feel useless?

Couldn't we just move away
before they get here?

- No.
- They were just here.

Eight months ago for two days.

Oh, that's what I mean.

Honey, they want to see their
grandchild a couple of times

before she goes
to graduate school.

Where is she?

She's in there.

She's putting blocks together

like she's not supposed to
for another 14 months.

No, wait a minute.

Is it 14 months?

I'm gonna check Penelope Leach.

The only time you ever
check those books

is when you want to gloat
about how advanced she is.

Well, isn't that
what they're for?

Why are my parents coming?

To tell you you're
not advanced enough.

Oh, oh...

Come here, come here.

Go to Mommy.

- Here she is.
- That could have hit her on the head.

She could have pulled on the
cord and been electrocuted.

The bulb could have smashed
and cut her face.

Toxic chemicals could have
scarred her for life.

Shh.

Listen, an asteroid almost hit
the earth an hour ago,

only nobody knew
because it missed.

That's supposed
to make me feel better?

That's okay,
I don't need any help.

I know that there's
another outlet here.

Ha ha. Okay. There.
How many does that make?

4,362.

Okay. Get 100.
We'll start there.

- Door latches.
- I hate this.

Yeah, well, you don't want
to need them later.

- Toilet latches.
- Toilet latches?

Babies have been known to drown
in less than 2 inches of water.

What the hell is a toilet latch?

I don't know, but Elliot
and Nancy have them.

It latches the toilet closed?

What if you really
have to go and you...

Hello, Mrs. Murdoch.

How are you? So nice to see you.

Shut up. They're not here yet.

Uh! And doesn't
your hair look fabulous?

So unlike your daughter's.

I don't understand it, either.

She's such a pretty girl and
look how she's let herself go.

- You can leave now.
- Here's your mitt. Thanks.

Oh, when are they coming?

They'll probably send in

an artillery barrage first
to soften us up,

but we don't expect the first
wave of the assault

until 1800 hours.

It's never as bad
as you think it's gonna be.

I get along great
with my mother.

You never even
talk to your mother.

I called her last week.

It's not my fault
the line was busy.

Yeah, well, now I'm far more
concerned with getting

this death trap of a house
baby-proofed

so my daughter
can survive long enough

to say horrible things about me.

We basically have two problems:

Baby-proofing
and parent-proofing.

I can get all the latches
in the world,

but how am I gonna find
an acceptable sofa,

new wallpaper
for the dining room,

and napkin rings
by 6:00 tonight?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What?

The bathroom.

Well, that's it.
Then they can't come.

- That's it.
- What are you talking about?

The other bathroom
is all ripped up.

We're putting in new fixtures.

They're gonna have to stay
in our bedroom.

No way.

You don't expect them
to use the bathroom

that has no plumbing.

They can use our bathroom.

What bathroom are we gonna use?

You guys, why don't
they go to a hotel?

You paid how much for this?

The question is not
"Can this be done?"

The question is "What can
be done by 6:00 tonight?"

You know,
plumbers get 25 an hour.

Of course, I only get
15 an hour for teaching,

but society has its
priorities in order.

So which pay scale do you want?
You can pick either one.

We can get the sink working
by then, can't we?

And the toilet and the bathtub?

Okay, forget the bathtub.
Just the showerhead.

All right, all right.

It's not because I love you.
You understand that?

You just happen to be
the only person

I can consistently
humiliate at squash.

21-19 is humiliation?

Would be for me.

Excuse me. We were tied 19 all.

You choked. You lost it.

You had no taste
for the jugular.

Get out of here.
I had a sprained ankle.

Fear not the battle sweat

and the red sword's
thrusting plunge,

for in time after they will sing

only of the warrior's glory

and his joy in the fray.

Beowulf,babe.

You really think I choked?

So this lovely, tasteful commode

needs to be secured
against this wall.

I did choke.

Why is that?
I never used to choke.

Because you're a wimp,

but I still love you.

Want to hand me yon wrench?

That's a daisy.

Yes, it's a weed,
but Mommy loves it.

Yeah, you can smell it.

No, you can't taste it.

No, you can't.

There you go.

Go get your toys.

Look Mommy,
aren't they beautiful?

Oh, sweetie, yes. Yes, they are.

But look at your hands...

oh, and your dress.

Let's go inside and wash up.

Honey, don't do that.

Oh, give that to Mommy.

Yeah, good girl.
Give that to Mommy.

No, I think surface streets.

The expressway is all torn up,

and it's gonna be right
in the middle of rush hour.

And then, um...

Honey, do you know
where her blanket is?

In the car seat.

No, the yellow one.

That one's too stained.

Um, okay, let's see.

Now, we have the bottle,

crackers, diapers, wipes,

Mr. Bear.

Do you remember that turn?
We always mess it up.

Once I messed up.
Know where the car keys are?

Yeah, they're in the drawer. Janey was
playing with them. We should call.

- We called. It's delayed.
- Yeah, I know.

We should call again.
Maybe it got undelayed.

Ow. Damn latch.

We should look at the map
for that turn,

because we always mess it up.

That plane is gonna
pick up time.

You know how those
jet streaming things are.

- Daddy's gonna be waiting at the gate...
- Honey? Honey?

It's only your parents.

They really do love you.
It's not just propaganda.

Yeah, they love me, but they
don't love anything I do.

Oh, they love Janey.

You were vaguely involved
with doing that.

♪

Well?

Hey, no problem, man. We'll
have it done by tomorrow night.

We're missing
that little squiggle.

Oh, excuse me. What? Tomorrow?
This is not happening.

Sorry, lady.
We don't have the part.

See what happens
when you go non-union?

That's it, I'm going.
Tell them I cracked up.

Tell them I live in a cave.
Tell me when they leave.

Are you really my friend?

- Yes.
- Kill me.

Where's my daughter?

I hope they come soon.

I don't know how much longer
I can keep smiling like this.

So stop smiling.

- But we're not gonna see them.
- Oh, we'll see them.

Oh, God. Here's Grandma.

Come on. Hi.

Look at this baby.

How's Grandma's baby?

Oh, you look so pretty.

- Oh, and you look wonderful.
- Thank you.

You're so thin.

She eats solid foods.

Things are so different now.

When you were born,

they said feed solid food
at two months.

Well, you're right
and look what happened to us.

- Where is he? Excuse me.
- Pardon me.

We found a spot
right on the first floor.

You know, I really thought
it was gonna rain.

Daddy, we wouldn't
have it rain for you.

Thank you, my sweetie.
I appreciate that.

I feel a bit of a chill,
actually.

Is she warm enough?

She's got two grownups
smothering her.

- Don't you, little pussycat?
- Oh, there he is.

Would you remember
about your back?

Well, what a beautiful car.

I didn't know
you lived in the mountains.

We don't live in the mountains.

Thanks. Oh, I know, I know.

No, no, Mom, get in the front.
You'll be more comfortable.

Sit, sit in the front
with your husband.

- But, Mom...
- I want this little cutie all to myself.

Okay. But, Mom, you gotta
put her in the car seat.

- Oh, I know, I know.
- You can't hold her, okay?

- Do you know how to strap her in?
- Yes, I know.

- Okay.
- We bought this for you. Don't you remember?

Who's gonna see the house?

Who's gonna see the house?

Oh, it's lovely.

It's darling.

And why are you always talking
about what bad shape it's in?

Because we have to live here.

With the toilets that don't work
and the rotted-out windowsills,

and the draft
in the baby's room.

Oh, well, she looks
healthy enough to me,

but just a little bit tired.

Now can Grandma put you to bed
tonight, sweetie?

Actually, Mom,
she's been really fussy

about going to sleep lately,
so I should do it.

- I think maybe she's teething.
- Oh.

Poor little sweetheart.

Well, now, did you try putting
brandy on her gums?

Apparently they've found that
alcohol can give babies seizures.

Really? Oh, dear.

You know, with everything
that we did wrong,

it's a wonder that you kids
grew up at all.

Oh. Isn't that beautiful?

Now that...

That is your touch, isn't it?

You always manage to make

wherever you are
something special.

Thank you.

- Well...
- Ted, please give me those. You're sweating already.

I can find my way.
Just point me to the guest room.

Actually, we're gonna
put you in our room,

'cause there's a little problem
with the other bathroom.

- Nonsense.
- Let me help you with that.

Where will you stay? We can't
kick you out of your own bedroom.

No, no, we'll be fine
in the guest bedroom.

- You are our guests.
- No, I won't have it.

I will not...

Time out. You gotta give it up.

You either sleep in our bedroom,

or you sleep in the backyard
with Grendel.

But I think it's absurd that we
disrupt your lives this way.

It's your job.

Your bedroom is your own.

Don't worry.
We changed the sheets.

- I can't go in there.
- So use my razor.

- And rip my face up?
- So knock on the door.

I don't want to knock on the door.
What if they're... you know.

Nah.

We're awake.

I forgot my razor.

Oh, well, go on in.
He's just primping.

How about my blue sweater?

I deliberately didn't pack it

- 'cause I knew that'd be all you would wear.
- I like that sweater.

32 years.

I never could give up
these ridiculous things.

What can I say?
You're just not with it, Ted.

I guess not.

Don't you two
spend all day in there.

Hurry him up, Michael.
He'll dawdle in there for hours.

Mmm. Yum, yum, yum.

Oh, look at this. This is smart.

Now, why couldn't they have
this when you were a baby,

breaking bottles all over
the kitchen floor?

I never did anything like that.

- You were a terror.
- I was?

Whatever happened to me?

You became the sweet, demure
creature we all know and love.

- She did?
- Hi, Gary.

Hi, Hope. Hi, Mrs. Hope.

Hello, Gary.

Are you still teaching?

No, I've actually given that up for
plumbing. It's much more lucrative.

He's been helping us
not get the bathroom ready

- in time for your visit.
- Ooh, sorry, sweetie.

Well, today is the day
I break 85.

- I remember that game.
- You should try again.

Everyone does better
the second time.

No, he doesn't handle
mortification well,

although he is
a very good loser.

What time is Walt
picking you up?

Five minutes ago.
We'll be upstairs.

- Bye, Hope.
- Bye.

Give him my love.

Oh, honey, would you and Gary
mind watching Janey

while Mother takes me shopping?

Well, I...

I was gonna work
on the bathroom, then I...

Well, you could just keep her
upstairs with you.

Oh.

Okay, sure. Just, um, bring her
upstairs when you're leaving.

Shepherd, quit eating the food.

Yeah, we'll watch the baby
and fix the bathroom,

and after we fix the bathroom,
I'll make a roast.

Oh, sure, he doesn't mind
taking the kid.

He doesn't mind giving up

the only court time we could
get this entire weekend.

- Oh, no.
- Which was only gotten by his good friend

being reduced to having to flirt

with the ugly girl
behind the counter of the club.

Okay. Monday night we'll play.
I promise.

Only if you promise

to put up a semblance
of non-wimp performance.

Michael.

Why did you give up so easily?

What do you mean?

You didn't want to go?

Are you crazy?

Why would I want to go shopping
with my mother?

But then why didn't you
say something?

What was I supposed to say?

That you didn't want to go.

Look at that.
You see the gray dress?

Isn't that smart?

It's kind of impractical.

No, it looks very versatile.

Oh, come on. Try it on.
It'll be my treat.

Oh, I don't know.
I don't think...

Let's just see
if it's in your size.

- I just don't think I...
- Oh, no. With your figure, that will be a knockout.

But, Mom, I don't think
that I have...

Oh, okay. I just thought it had
the right kind of sophistication.

And it's so feminine.

Mom, I don't have
any place to wear it.

Oh, you do.

Dinner parties,
cocktail parties.

You have dinner parties,
and the theater.

It is perfect for the theater.

It's silk, Mom.
I'm breastfeeding.

I know that.

I think it's wonderful that your
generation finds that important.

But other things
are important, too.

Mom, I don't want to try it on.

Damn it, Mother, you think
I don't know what you mean

by sophisticated and feminine?

Well, excuse me
if I don't dress how you want

and I don't comport myself
in a very Ruth-like manner.

But I'm entitled to my life,

and I'm entitled
to my own taste,

and I'm entitled to my own
way of looking.

And I'll be damned
if I'll be some kind of puppet

and parade around in the
ridiculous kind of costume

just because you think
that I should!

I think you'll be
so happy with this.

Oh, it looks gorgeous on her.
Don't you think?

Oh, absolutely.

And if she's very, very good,

maybe you'll let
your mom wear it, too.

Here, hide this.

The baby can't get up that high.

Not from her, from me. I can't
be trusted with sharp objects.

Uh-oh.

I love my mother. I value her.

I admire her. I am grateful
beyond measure

for the sacrifices she made

and the guidance she gave me.

Why is it I can't be in the same room
with her for longer than ten minutes?

Ten minutes? What's your secret?

You are terrible.

You are a bad person,
and my mother is right.

You're a bad influence on me.

- Do you think she still hates me?
- She never hated you.

Oh, right. That time your parents
came back early from the shore

and caught me letting Jeffrey
Phelps get to second base.

"Ellyn, is that the way
you girls behave"

"the minute my back is turned?"

I wasn't even allowed over to
your house for an entire month.

- What is with this thing?
- Oh.

I'm sorry. It's a latch.

Oh. What's it for?

So Janey can't get in there,
break the crystal vase,

sever her femoral artery,

and send her mother
into cardiac arrest.

Your mother seems like
she's mellowed out a little.

Oh, yeah.

And then there's the look,

and all of a sudden, I'm 14
and about to be grounded.

I know. It's just
so out of whack, you know?

Growing up, you never spend

more than two hours at a time
with your parents.

And suddenly, 20 years later,
they descend on you

and you're expected to spend
five solid days of quality time

being nice to them.

You let Jeffrey Phelps
get to second?

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Yeah.

- Wow, look at this.
- This is beautiful.

I am looking at it. What is it?

Uh, goshe... What is
this called, again?

- Vichyssoise.
- Vichyssoise. No, I knew that.

I thought maybe
it was bouillabaisse.

You wouldn't know bouillabaisse
if it bit you on the nose.

Whoa, hey, I made bouillabaisse
once, lady. Back off.

You made bouillabaisse?
Did he, really?

I love men today. I really do.

I can't imagine Ted spending
five hours in the kitchen

making me bouillabaisse.

I don't like fish.

I'm gonna have to
get a new husband,

and discard this obsolete hulk.

Gary's available.

Yeah, unfortunately,
I don't cook, either.

But, um, I do like fish.

The question is can you dance
the merengue till dawn?

Ted, you tiger.

What can I say?
When you got it, you got it.

- You got it.
- At least I had it.

You used to dance, Hope.
She took dance for years.

I remember.
I was so jealous of you.

Are you kidding?
I can't imagine why.

And her class did The
Nutcracker every Christmas,

- and who was Clara?
- Aww.

She used to look so cute in that
nightgown. Remember, Ted?

Oh, I can't for the life of me

imagine why you gave up dancing.

Didn't you tell me

she dances in her nightgown
for you all the time?

Now I've been taking these
low-impact Jazzercise classes.

Oh, they really knock me
on my rear.

But afterwards,

what is it... the endorphins.

Now they're really cooking.

That's what I need.
Some of them cooking endorphins.

There must be a class
around here like that.

Now why don't we get out
and really cut loose?

Sure. I could schedule it
between naps and feedings.

Maybe they have classes around
3:00 a.m.

I'm always available then.

Or maybe I could pencil it in
between, um,

cocktail parties and the theater

and intimate dinners for six.

Excuse me.
I have to get the salad.

Oh, hi, Trolley.

Oh, the school's coming along
very well.

Did you know
that Uncle Friday said

we have to have it
ready tomorrow?

I'll say.

Hi.

My favorite was Romper Room.

That's Lady Aberlin.
I have a crush on her.

There's coffee.

Oh, you're very organized
for this early in the day.

Some of us have been up
since 5:30.

Ohhh.

Did you sleep well?

No. You know how it is
when you get to be my age.

It gets more and more difficult.

Ruth.

About last night.

Where's the sugar?

You know, Hope...

She's...

Michael,

you know, the force of true love
is never straight, is it?

- You promised me a pony.
- Where were we gonna keep a pony?

That's your problem.
You promised a pony.

There's my little pumpkin.
There's my little pie.

Don't believe a word he says, Janey.
The man is not to be trusted.

- Good morning, all.
- You're up early.

Oh, well, not as early
as these two campers.

She didn't wanna
go back to sleep.

So do I get points
for not waking you?

No. Excuse me, Daddy.

Who wants breakfast?

I'll make a Grandma Roxy
omelet for everybody.

- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- I want to do it.

Mom, you're on vacation. You
don't know where anything goes.

- Just go. Sit down. Relax.
- All I need is some butter and some eggs

and a little bit of milk.

Oh, fine.

Fine.

Here. I'll just put
these dishes away for you.

Dad, would you like a Danish?

A Danish?

A piece of that.

Here, sweetie. Here.

Dad, don't give it to the baby.
It's full of sugar.

We used to give you sugar
all the time.

Aha! So that's what happened.

Sure. She likes it.

Attention, please.

I would like to make
an announcement.

In honor of our last night here,

Dad and I would like
to treat you

to a blowout dinner at the expensive
restaurant of your choice.

- We would?
- Oh, you don't have to do that.

One of the privileges
of being a grandparent

is being able to spoil
not only your grandchild

but your own children, too.

And that is the last word
on this particular subject.

Now, where's my coffee?

Where's my breakfast?

Meanwhile, there's no way I can go out
to dinner with your parents tonight.

- What are you talking about?
- I told you, I'm playing squash with Gary tonight.

- I put him off all weekend.
- Michael, you can't do that.

It's their last night here.
You did not tell me that.

- I did too tell you that.
- You did not tell me.

- When did you tell me?
- Okay, I thought about telling you.

- Isn't that enough?
- You cannot leave me alone with her.

- Your father's going to be there.
- Like I said.

And what am I supposed
to tell Gary?

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Take your time.

No. Come on. Come on in.

No. I was just gonna work out.

Now, can you imagine anything
sillier than a grandmother

with lead weights
on her wrists and her ankles?

Sounds obscene, actually.

They will be gone in 22 hours
and 36 minutes.

What's with you?

Your mother
is the coolest person.

Everybody loves her. If she were 20
years younger, Gary would ask her out.

And to you, she's a cross
between Godzilla and...

What's her name?
Godzilla and Medea.

I've come to kill my children.

Yeah. And your mother's
Donna Reed.

So basically, I have to sacrifice
my friendship with Gary

in order to get you
through this night.

Basically.

Okay.

Oh. Sorry.

Well, of course,

there's no need to reupholster

when you still have
young children.

I know. Not to mention
we don't have the money.

Well, we can always
help you with that.

Oh, Janey, what are you doing?
Oh, no, you don't.

Come over here. Yeah.

Come over...
Yeah, there's Mr. Clown.

There you go. Good girl.

You know, there's a color that would
look really beautiful in here.

It's kind of a light green.

- Light apple.
- You know, that's funny.

We were thinking about that
for over the fireplace.

Exactly.

It's the same color as the
sitting room in the old house.

Oh, with that great big old leather
chair that smelled so good.

I love that room.

You were always building forts
in there when you were little,

and then insisting
that you spend the night

sleeping on the floor
in a sleeping bag.

It was high adventure.

Do you miss the old house?

Mmm.

- Janey, be careful.
- Oh. Here.

Grandma's gonna take you. We're
gonna go figure out that puzzle.

Let's go see. Come here.

Let's see what we've got here.

I think Grandma can get
these right this time.

Okay? Here we go now.
Push this one in. Here you go.

This one goes in here.

Can you push this in for me?

There you go. Push. Good.

This one goes...

Where does it go?

Here we go.

Professor Shepherd.

Don't give me that.

I am a professor.
Look. Here's my diploma.

You're not a professor.
Professors are old,

they're pretentious,
they're boring.

Okay, maybe you are a professor.

Is this another one of your pointless
phone calls so you can avoid working?

Don't kill me.

I'm waiting.

You know that really cute
aerobics instructor?

I hear she's great at squash.

I'm not hearing this.

Listen, we're talking
major death around here.

- It's their last night in town.
- They can come. We'll play doubles.

Yeah. I knew you'd understand.

Goodbye, Michael.

Wait, wait, wait. Are you angry?

No, I'm not mad. I just have to
give a lecture in four minutes,

and I still have to decide
what it's about.

I'm sorry, guy. I really am.

It's okay. It's no biggie.

Um, I'll talk to you later.

♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin' ♪

♪ Keep those in-laws rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin' ♪

♪ In-laws ♪

♪ Head 'em up, move 'em out,
move 'em out, head 'em up ♪

♪ Head 'em up, move 'em out,
in-laws ♪

That's a nice dress.
Looks nice on you.

Yeah, it'd look nicer
on you-know-who.

Ooh, she bought you a dress.
That's a capital crime.

I don't mind that she
bought me a dress.

I just wish she'd let me
pick it out.

- What, she held you at gunpoint?
- - Forget it.

No. I don't understand you two.

She does this really nice thing.

If you don't want the dress, why
don't you just tell her? Excuse me.

I couldn't. I tried to tell her.

Out loud?

- You know how she is.
- No.

All I see is the way you are.

I mean, she can't open her mouth

without you jumping
all over her.

And when did I jump
all over her?

Last night at dinner, she was
trying to be really nice.

You know, totally sweet
to our friends.

All of a sudden,
you blasted her.

Do you know why I quit dancing?

Because when I was 8 years old,

I had to come home
from every lesson

and demonstrate everything
that I had learned

and endure
her constructive criticism.

I mean, silly me that I should
think that it might be fun.

Why is it at every recital
I threw up?

At 8 years old.

Honey, I'm not on her side.

I just think you're gonna
be miserable till you find a way

to confront her
about all this stuff.

I know, I know. You're right.

What?

Nothing.

I wanna thank you for
bringing us to this restaurant.

Your daughter's been all over me
for months to come here.

It was either this
or Janey's education,

so we opted
for Janey's education.

Now, that looks lovely.

Is that bacon on the top there?

Either that or they left
the wrapping on it.

Someone's gonna have to
help me with this.

- What did you get, darling?
- Uh, the squab.

Oh, I could never eat squab.

Well, I like it, actually.
It's kind of delicate.

You know, I can't tell
the difference between squab,

which cost $18, and the pigeon

that messes up my windshield.

That's easy.
The pigeon has more meat on it.

Then maybe you should just...

I don't... I think that's
mostly potatoes,

so you don't have to worry
about your cholesterol.

I wasn't worried
about it at all.

Mike, does your doctor tell you

what your cholesterol count is?

I mean, Ted thinks
that everyone has to know

what their cholesterol count is.

I think I'd really...
I think I'd like...

I think I'd really like to know
what you meant by that, Mother.

About what, honey?

That business about the squab
and what you wouldn't eat and..

- I don't know.
- I was just making conversation.

Well, I think that there are
other conversations to be made

besides whether I should eat
what I want or not.

Well, I didn't tell you
that you shouldn't eat it.

You implied that I shouldn't.

I said I didn't want to eat it.

- Isn't that the same thing?
- No.

I...

I mean, you're grown-up.
It's a free country.

Yes. I-I think, though,

that when you... you say that you
don't like what someone eats

and go on to state why,

I think that there's an implied
message, and I... and I...

Oh, God, this is not
just about food, Mother.

I mean, why is it that
whenever we're together,

you have to make it so difficult

and find fault
in everything that I do?

And you can always do everything
better than I can. Why?

You cannot tell me how to eat

and how to dress
and how to raise my child.

How dare you say this to me

after two days of constant,
constant sniping!

I can't even open my mouth
without committing

some horrible transgression
in your eyes.

- What sniping?
- Hope.

You have been rude
and ungracious

from the moment we arrived.

Now, I'm sorry that Daddy and I
are such a burden to you,

but after tomorrow you don't
have to put up with us anymore.

Mother, that is not
what I meant.

Mother!

Michael, is, um... is that
the salt hiding over there?

Thank you.

Are you still eating?

I have to eat as many of these
as I can before we leave.

You can't get them in Arizona.

That's what you get for going
to live on a golf course.

You know, you can take
some with you.

No, they don't taste
as good there.

Oh, Daddy.

I guess we just don't see
enough of you guys.

Mm-hmm.

Why?

Why does she make it so hard?

She's so...

She loves you.

Is that how she shows it, Daddy?

My whole life, she's...

She's always been at me.

It was like I didn't exist,

or... it was like
there was no me

or who I was didn't matter
at all to her.

Quiet now. I don't like
the way you're talking.

Yeah, but it's true.

What's true? You didn't exist?

Are you kidding me?
You, with your mouth?

All I can remember
is you as a 2-year-old...

2 years old...

Standing in the kitchen
of the old house.

Remember? On Lonopy Road?

You standing there
with your hands on your hips,

toe-to-toe with her, screaming,

"No, I will not eat my breakfast
'cause I don't like oatmeal

'cause oatmeal's
got lumps in it."

And then flinging it
across the room.

Didn't exist?

You two fought like pit bulls

ever since you were
halfway out of the cradle.

I used to tiptoe out of the room

hoping to get into the bombshell

before the whole house exploded.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

We did?

Why do you think
she pushes so hard?

Because telling you something
once was never enough.

So you're saying
that this is all me.

No. It's the two of you.

I don't know which one of you
is tougher. I really don't.

I can't accept that. You're telling
me that everything I ever felt...

That everything I ever felt
was wrong?

I mean...

I mean...

Who decides where you guys eat
every night?

Who decided it was time
to sell the old house?

Who lays out your clothes
every morning?

Hey, I'm color blind.

I know, I know.

She's a formidable person.

Look, you want me to admit it?
All right.

I paid my own price

being married
to someone like your mother.

Sometimes I ask myself
how you managed all these years.

Excuse me, young lady.

There's no way
you could possibly understand

what's gone into
the past 32 years,

what she's meant to me,
what we've meant to each other.

How long have you and Michael
been married? Five years? Six?

How easy would you say
your lives are?

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say to you.

You two are the dearest things
in my life.

You should get along better.

Michael, we have to leave
for the airport in 42 minutes.

You'll have two minutes.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Who asked you anyway?

It's Ruth! Hiya, doll!

Hello, Gary.

- You're using that thing?
- In a manner of speaking.

It's held together
with cardboard and duct tape.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Hope's in there.

That's why I'm going in.
Hey, yoo-hoo!

We're in here! Don't mind us.
Just slowly open the curtain.

Get out of here!

Did you ever notice what happens
when someone flushes the...

You are dead meat, Shepherd!

- Quiet. I'm working.
- Come on. Come on. She'll be out in five minutes.

- Ted, I'll get those.
- I know.

I left the heavy ones
on the bed.

Don't you dare carry those down
by yourself!

Of course not, dear.

So did you end up playing
last night?

Just with myself.

Sorry.

You sure are.

- Oh, so you're, like, really angry, huh?
- I'm not angry.

Yeah. Come on. I stood you
up twice, so you're angry.

- Have it your way.
- Gary.

What? I'm not angry. I mean, I
think it was irresponsible.

And I think, if you ask me,
which you're not,

that you're a little too ruled

by what certain
significant others want.

But it doesn't make me angry.

- Gary...
- What do you want me to say?

We don't make those kind of demands
on each other, and that's cool.

I mean, that's sort of the way
we've always done it.

But I don't know. I mean,
does that mean we're not

supposed to expect anything
from each other?

I... I... Maybe, you know?
Maybe it does.

- No. No, it doesn't mean that.
- Just... God, this is stupid.

- No, it's not stupid. Nothing is stupid.
- This is stupid. Forget it.

See, this really
ticks me off, Gare.

Why not just be honest with me?

Lookit! I know you're married,

and I hope I'm married, too,
some millennium,

but I just can't get
the short end every time.

You know?

How about the medium end?

Dirtbag.

Crybaby.

Wimp.

Academic.

Ohh!

Come on, Janey. Don't give
your mother a hard time.

Michael, could you please tell
your daughter to sit still

so I can get her ready?

We're just going to take
one final look.

Did you check under the bed?

And in the drawers
and in the closet

and under the National Geographics
in the attic.

Honey, do you think
he looked in my drawers?

Michael!

We're all set.

- Ted, don't carry anything.
- I won't.

What?

Nothing. Let's go.

You're upset. Gary's upset.

Gary is never upset.

I mean, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

But they'll be gone in an hour,
and you can yell at me then.

Honey, I'm not gonna
yell at you.

I just don't understand how you can
be so competent about so many things

and so totally feeble
on this subject.

You are so yelling at me.
Everybody's yelling at me.

Honey, they're leaving.
They're 60 years old.

You don't know when in God's name
you're gonna see them again.

She's not gonna change,
so accept it.

Let it be.

Statute of limitations is up
on parental war crimes.

Oh, Janey. Janey.

Janey!

Janey, you drive
your mother crazy.

Where were you, sweetheart? Huh?

It's okay. It's okay.

Look, we gotta go to the airport.
We gotta go with Grandma, okay?

After all my nagging,

I forgot the damn tickets.

Mom.

I'm really sorry if I made your
life miserable while you were here.

Mom?

I'm really trying.
Give me a break here.

Well, what do you want me
to say?

This seems to be the way
things are with us.

I don't much like it,
but I've come to accept it.

Janey, go play for a second.
Good girl.

Do we have to accept it?

Uh...

Oh, Janey, sweetheart, no.

What are you doing?

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, you're driving Mommy...

Oh, you're gonna drive your
mommy's adrenal glands crazy.

- Oh, sweet, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry.

It won't always be this bad.

- It'll get worse.
- Oh, great.

That's the first time you've
laughed since I've been here.

I don't know, Hope.

You always seem so tired

or so... so ill at ease.

I'm only that way with you, Mom.

I am tired.

But I'm not unhappy.
I love my life.

Well, then, why with me?

I always feel
like you're scrutinizing me.

I'm not.

I've trained myself
not to scrutinize you.

But you do.

You're the loudest scrutinizer
in the history of the world.

I only want
what is best for you.

I have the best. You're done.

Let go a little.

In your heart, too.

You know, you used to drive

from Boston to Philadelphia
for Christmas vacation,

inevitably in one of
those blinding snowstorms,

and you would waltz
into the house...

3:00 in the morning,
four hours late, all chipper...

Yelling, "Hi, everybody.
I'm home."

And I couldn't speak.

I was... I was a complete wreck.

And you'd look at me like I was
some kind of crazy person.

I mean, it...

It's fine when you can

pick up your child and save her
from imminent catastrophe.

The hard part comes later.

You can't just turn it off.

You... You try it 15 years,
and you see how you do.

Uh, it's time to hit
the proverbial...

You girls...
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.

Have a safe trip.
Take a vacation. You need one.

- Okay.
- Okay, say good-bye to Grandma.

You take good care
of this little monster for me.

Remember, we'll see you Christmas.
And buy the tickets early.

- Because those flights get all booked up.
- Yes, Daddy.

- Flight number 823, nonstop to Phoenix, is now boarding.
- Bye. Come on. Gotta go.

Now, you be careful
lifting this luggage.

- Smart-ass.
- Thank you for everything.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Oh, honey.

I love you.

All right. Thank you.

Bye-bye, Grandma.

Bye-bye.