Original subtitles

- Afternoon, Dr Sparrow. - Afternoon, Charlie.

- Hello, Sparrow. - Afternoon, Bingham.

Busy afternoon. I've got two septic fingers,

a lipoma and four warts already.

- Congratulations. - It's great experience.

I say, you don't mind my mentioning it, do you?

But that discussion we had yesterday about the treatment of herpes,

you were wrong, you know. I looked it up.

Thank you.

Just thought I'd tell you.

I say, old boy, about that Senior House Surgeon's job.

Yes?

- It's between you and me, you know. - Yes, I know.

Well, may the best man win and all that.

That's right.

- Good afternoon, Nurse. - Hello, Dr Bingham.

- Good afternoon, Dr Sparrow. - Good afternoon.

Did you enjoy the dance last night?

- Yes. Did you? - Mmm. Parts of it.

We found your pipe down a settee. I've kept it for you.

Good girl. I'm lost without it. Well, the mixture as before, eh?

(Horn honks)

Get your wretched garbage van out of the way, man!

Hey! You there! You can't park that thing here.

- Why not? Says "car park". - This place is reserved for me.

- Has been for 20 years. - There's room beside it.

I don't want garbage on my coachwork.

Yes, you've got a point there.

0K, you can move it.

Where shall I go, Lancelot?

0ver there, Charles. I'll be with you soon to fix you up.

Thank you.

That fractured radius needs re-plastering tomorrow.

0h, I shan't be here, Doctor. I'm on night duty in the wards.

0h, that is a pity.

- That's you done. - Thank you, Doctor.

Now, you know what to do next time you lean out of the window?

- What's that, Doc? - 0pen it first. 0ff you go.

- What ward have they moved you to? - Charity.

Visitors welcome at supper time?

- A doctor's got to do his rounds. - He certainly has.

Next, please.

Good afternoon. What's wrong with you?

0ne of your blokes nabbed me in the street. Told me to come.

Really? Yeah, looks like a cyst.

Whatever it is, it's been there a long time.

Has it? Yes, they can be nasty. We'd better cut it out, I think.

Here. Sit down. Sebaceous cyst removal, Nurse.

- I say, Sparrow. That's my cyst. - 0h, is it?

I've been looking forward to that.

Never mind. There are plenty more.

That's not the point. This is my patient.

It's not ethical pinching people's patients.

It's not ethical to prowl around garbage cans touting for custom.

- I don't like your tone. - Tell the General Medical Council.

- Well, really, I must say... - I don't mind who has the cyst

but I've got to get back to the dustbins at once.

I'm handing you to Dr Bingham. Apparently, he spotted you first.

Prepare for the excision, Nurse.

And see that your ethics are sterilised, as well.

(Screaming in pain)

- Hey, we take our turn, you know. - What? 0h, er...

- We've been waiting half an hour. - Who does he think he is?

- 0h, forgive me. I was told... - Wait your turn.

That's enough. I saw you sneaking down the row.

You won't bleed to death with that. Where's your treatment card?

Card? I'm sorry but what card?

There's a board inside the door. Can't you read?

- I can explain... - No explanations, pop.

- Get home and get your card. - What's going on?

- Are you in trouble, Charles? - Yes.

This young man has been behaving extremely rudely. He called me "pop".

- Who are you? - Sparrow, sir.

Let me introduce you. Dr Sparrow, Sir Charles Hopcroft,

a governor of this hospital.

Sir Charles cut his finger at luncheon. I am suturing it.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I didn't realise.

Aren't you in the running for Senior House Surgeon?

Yes, sir.

What a good thing that I have some say in this matter.

The impertinence! Never been called "pop" in my life before.

Too bad, old man.

I'm afraid that's going to set you back quite a bit.

(Laughter)

- Sparrow. - Good evening, Doctor.

- Evening, Padre. - Guinness?

- Yeah. What are you drinking? - Pop.

- Don't mention pop to me again. - It steadies the nerves.

- Final exams tomorrow. - You'll pass this time, Mr Benskin.

It'll be grand to have you both as doctors.

I'm filled with quiet confidence.

I'm ambitious. I want to be a surgeon, too.

- Well, I'm not getting very far. - You're depressed.

You want an exquisite creature to smooth your brow.

- Where's Joy? - I haven't seen her since Tuesday.

Anyway, she needs somebody to smooth her own brow.

- What's the matter? - All this swotting.

Why she suddenly wants to be a doctor, heaven alone knows.

- Hello. - Joy, my love.

Come and sit down. Simon's depressed.

Are you? So am I.

- Smooth his brow. - Can it be mutual?

What did I tell you? You need a large gin and tonic.

Thanks.

What's he so depressed about?

Move over.

- He feels he's not getting along. - He's not the only one.

- That'll be four and four. - Trust me till Friday?

- 0ne large gin and tonic. - Thanks.

You should relax, Joy.

It's trying to relax that makes me so jittery. Cheers.

I'll tell you what. We'll go back to your place and I'll treat you.

I've been reading it up.

- (Girl) Excuse me. - (Growls lecherously)

Now, don't be frightened. I'm just going to put you to sleep

and whisper some encouraging words.

When you wake, you'll be bursting with confidence.

If that's all you whisper. I know you.

0oh! 0oh! Disgusting! (Chuckles)

Now, look at me.

(Dog barking)

Look, I must have absolute quiet.

Go on. Go home. Go home. Go on.

Now, look into my eyes...

both eyes... and concentrate.

Your left leg is feeling very heavy.

Your right leg is feeling very heavy.

- Now, concentrate. - (Dog barks)

- Shut up! - Give him a biscuit, Simon.

In the cupboard.

Joy, you've got to concentrate. Cooperate.

Now you're feeling very sleepy. You're going to sleep.

- (Dog whining) - Here you are.

You're going to sleep. Relax... Relax...

Just a minute.

- Sorry. - Joy, you're just not cooperating.

- I-I'm awfully sorry, Tony. - Now. You're feeling sleepy.

You're going to sleep. Now, relax...

Relax...

You're going to sleep.

(Joy) Simon!

Look!

Hey, Tony?

Ton...?

Come on, wake up. You've got an exam tomorrow.

Come on. 0h, give it here.

(Shrieks)

Hello, you gorgeous creature. Hello.

Muffin, my dear fellow.

- Hello, you two. - (Tony) Hello, Joy.

Heaven knows what you look like. What have you done?

- You mean the glasses? - Mmm.

Well, I think they like girls to look more serious, intellectual.

I think it gives you more chance of passing.

- But you don't wear glasses. - But they're plain glass.

Aren't they effective?

- If you want to look like a frog. - Honestly, Simon!

Come on. 0ff to the chopping block.

- I'll hold my thumbs. - (Joy) Thanks.

That, sir, was removed post-mortem from a man of 70.

What do you find of interest in it?

- It's a brain, sir. - It is indeed. Well?

I notice only the usual senile changes, sir.

You say these changes are not unusual?

No, sir. After all, the patient was senile.

Dash it, he was 70, practically ga-ga.

Hmm... I shall be 76 myself next birthday.

Thank you for reminding me that I'm well past my job.

- Good morning, sir. - Sir, I...

Good morning.

- Good morning. - 0h!

- (Knock) - Come in.

- 0h, a female. - Yes.

Well, you appear more intelligent than most of them, I must say.

Doctoring and lipstick don't mix together.

Now, come here and tell me what you can see there.

Well? Well?

Hmm? Hmm?

- Blood dyscrasia? - That's right.

Now, come along. Come over here.

Come on.

I've very little time, girl. Come on.

- Yes, sir. - 0h, get my glasses from the table.

- Come along. We haven't got all day. - Yes, sir.

Could I have my glasses, please?

0h! 0h, I'm so sorry.

Appearances can be very deceptive, can't they?

Good morning. Send in the next student.

What are you worried about? It's a piece of cake.

(Sir Lancelot) Come!

Good morning, sir. I don't want any inane remarks.

I've got a touch of the gout this morning.

- I've seen you before, haven't I? - Yes, sir.

- A good doctor never forgets a face. - That isn't limited to faces, sir.

What would you do if you found me flat on the floor?

- Send for a doctor, sir. - You are a doctor, man!

Sorry, sir. That's quite right.

Erm... Are you snoring, sir?

- I'm breathing heavily. - Then, I'd tiptoe out again.

- People don't sleep on the floor. - After a strenuous evening...

Never mind that. I'm not asleep.

- Are you dead, sir? - I don't know, I'm asking you!

- 0h. - You wouldn't ring an undertaker?

No, of course not, sir. I'd examine you. Feel your heart.

- I'm lying on my stomach. - Are you indeed, sir?

Quite a problem.

- Feel your pulse? - My pulse is fine

and I've got no broken bones.

I am relieved, sir. Then, I would cover you with a blanket

and send for an ambulance.

And leave me on this cold floor with my backside full of splinters,

covered with a rug the cat's had kittens on?

I should ruddy well think so! You'd pick me up, wouldn't you?

We'd both end up on the floor, sir.

Try and pick me up. They teach you that in the Boy Scouts.

This isn't the type of picking up I'm good at. I wasn't in the Scouts.

Well, have a go. See what you can do.

Yes, sir.

(Tony groans)

Come on, man. Get on with it.

- 0h! - Sorry, sir.

Ah!

What's happened? Has Sir Lancelot passed out?

Sir Lancelot has not passed out.

And neither, indeed, will you, young man.

0h, forget it. Everyone fails an exam sometime.

Put that egg away and we'll go have a meal.

I've got to work.

- But you can't work every evening. - I must.

- You're not very sociable, Joy. - I'm sorry. This is important to me.

- Surely you can understand that? - Yes, I do, but...

- Well, it's dull for your chums. - I can't help it.

Let's catch the second house at the Palladium.

I've got to work, I tell you. You go.

0r drop in on someone who's got more time to be sociable.

All right. I will.

0h!

- Good evening, Nurse Macpherson. - Good evening, Doctor.

I took the liberty of bringing you some eggs and bacon.

0oh! That sounds good.

- How are the patients? - All tucked up.

- And how are you? - Lonely.

That's what I thought. That's why I came.

It's a very lonely job being night nurse.

- What's this? - Charlie Bingham's. He looked in.

0h, he did, did he?

What can you see in a drip like Charlie Bingham? What's he got?

Charlie's all right. He takes me to the Corner House.

- The Corner House! - That's more than some doctors do.

I was wondering if you'd like dinner in the country

when you've got a night off?

I've been told of a place where the food is excellent.

How do we go? By bus? Hand me another egg.

- By bus! By car. - 0h, you run a car, do you?

- Yes, of course. - Well, thanks. Could be great fun.

Pull out the choke.

(Horn sounds)

That was the horn, Nan, dear. The choke's on the right.

(Engine starts)

Move over.

0h!

Are you wet?

Just outside. I could do with a drink.

Well, come on, let's go! What are you waiting for?

It's still pouring down. It'll be murder getting home.

Nan, what would your reaction be to, er... making a night of it?

We could, er... have a drink and then some food, then another drink.

- I'm famished. - That's what I mean.

If we go on to this place, it might make us late driving back to London.

I'm sure they could put us up for the night, if it's all right with you.

Well, if the food's as good as you say, let's go.

I expect I can borrow a toothbrush from someone.

Yes.

Cosy place.

Well, we are in the country.

We seem to be in a game reserve.

Yes.

Does this remind you of the Marie Celeste?

Well, it's a sleepy part of the world. 0h, Nan...

Yes?

- We want accommodation, please. - Yes.

- Just for tonight. You have some? - Yes.

- Will you sign the book, please? - Yes.

What name is it?

Phillimore.

(Resounding clang)

Thank you.

Which of you is Sparrow?

- What? - You've signed "Sparrow".

0h, yes. That's me, of course.

This is Miss Phillimore. We shall require two rooms.

I should hope so.

Will the lady please sign the book?

Thank you.

We're going up north to our uncle's funeral. We're cousins.

He was in the brass business. Charming old fellow.

Ernest?

The luggage.

The lady will be in No. 3 and the gentleman in No. 92.

Miss Phillimore and I are cousins.

We going up to an uncle's funeral... in the North.

He was in the brass business.

- Charming old fellow. - 92's up here.

Thank you. I'll ring if I want anything.

Ring your heart out. The bell's bust.

(Sniffs)

(Sneezes and bed spring breaks)

0h, Lord!

Your thumb! Do you mind?

Well, now, what's it to be?

(Coughs)

Erm... Potage Du Barry, I suppose.

0h, I wouldn't have any of that.

All right. Steamed plaice, pommes vapeurs and cabbage.

Well, I wouldn't tell everybody

but even the cats downstairs are refusing the fish.

The mutton, then. And two more whiskies.

Right. I see from the register that you're from London.

- What business would you be in now? - I'm a doctor.

0h, are you now, Doctor? Well, that's very interesting.

I'm having trouble with me feet lately.

I think the arches have dropped...

- We'd like some food now. - And some drink.

OK.

Er, did I hear you're a medical man, sir? My name's Major Porter.

May I introduce myself to your good self and your lady wife?

- I'm a lady, but no wife. - No, we're cousins.

We have an uncle that's having a funeral tomorrow.

- He was in the brass business. - 0h!

Doctor, I'm sure my case would interest you.

Now, at the age of five, I was given six months to live.

Six months! Look at that!

(Coughs)

(Sighs)

Anything I can do, Doctor Sparrow?

N-No.

- I was looking for the bathroom. - There's one on your floor.

0h, is there? I didn't notice.

It's marked "bath" in large letters. 0pposite your room.

Thank you.

Thanks ever so much. Done me a lot of good.

You should see a doctor yourself.

Yes, I'm going to get some of my own medicine. Rum and milk.

- Good night, Mrs Law. - Bye-bye, duck.

- Next, please. - Sir Lancelot left this for you,

and may I say how sorry I am?

But it always was best man win and all that.

- What are you talking about? - I'm the new Senior House Surgeon.

We're just off to celebrate.

Never mind. You'll do all right in general practice. Goodbye.

Good night, Dr Sparrow. Sorry you caught such a nasty cold.

What's the matter?

This.

"Dr Sparrow has been Casualty House Surgeon for three months,

"in which time he has performed his duties to his own satisfaction.

"Signed, Lancelot Spratt."

0h, dear.

Has that pimple Bingham got the job?

- Yeah. - The mean old so-and-so.

- I'll get us a drink. - Thank you.

- Simon? - (Nasally) Hmm? 0h, rum and milk.

(Mocking) Rum and milk.

I'm awfully sorry about this, Simon.

Fancy missing a certainty like that.

If you weren't so successful in that field,

you wouldn't be in your position.

0f course, Macpherson's an awfully sweet girl,

- but she's really not your type. - No.

- A bit predatory? - Mmm.

Gin and tonic, Scotch, and rum and milk.

Simon, listen.

"Positions open. Suitable for recently qualified practitioner.

"Medical officer in luxury liner. Salary �2,000 per annum. In dollars."

I've come about the advertisements in the Medical Journal.

I'll take the millionaire if I can. 0therwise, the cruise.

Alas, Doctor, both vacancies are filled.

- They only came out yesterday. - The rush was great.

However, we have others. You wish to go abroad?

- I don't mind, if there's sun. - I have just the place -

the Acropolis 0il Company in Iraq.

A Greek concern, but respectable. The tour of duty is five years.

I don't want as much sun as that.

Are you a man of faith, Doctor? You look it.

A medical missionary in Siam.

The remuneration is not very high but one gains one's reward in heaven.

I prefer to gain mine a little earlier.

Have you any ordinary practices? General practice would be useful.

0f course. I thought you wished to leave the country for some reason.

- No. - Well, we have many practices.

Now, here's just the thing. Semi-rural. In the Midlands.

Assistant to Dr Hatchet. I know him personally.

A fine clinician. You'll learn a lot. All found, ten guineas a week.

Not to be sneezed at, eh, Doctor?

Lt'll be gone by lunchtime, I guarantee.

- All right. I'll take it. - Very wise.

I'll give you the details. Can you sign this?

It's just the usual commission.

33% of your salary for the first year

and five pounds for consultation... in cash.

We don't like to take it but the overheads, you know, Doctor...

(Whistle sounds)

Er, Dr Hatchet? I'm Dr Sparrow.

Fancy that. I said to the Doctor this morning, "He ain't coming."

He, er... ain't in yet but I'll show you your room.

- You ain't half young. - I'm not exactly in the cradle.

The Doctor's had some real old fogies.

There was Dr Christmas. He must have been about 90.

There was Dr 0'Higgins, Dr 0'Rourke, Dr 0'Toole... Grandpas, they were.

Before that, there was Dr Solomons, Dr Assiz, Dr Wu...

- Was he Chinese? - (Chuckling) So he said.

You've had rather a lot of assistants.

Hundreds and hundreds of them.

It's a bit chilly, this weather, but you can make it comfy.

It's a home from home, I assure you.

(Bangs)

It's a bit hard, but you get used to it.

You get a nice fug if you keep the window shut.

Dr Wu used to burn incense and things.

- You won't be doing that, will you? - Not often.

The light's switched off at 11. You can bathe on Saturday.

- Doctor's orders. - Seems a bit mean.

He does hold back a bit, I must say.

Don't agree with it myself.

Yes, well, I'm, er... I'm delighted to welcome you, Doctor.

It's remarkably warm for this time of year, is it not?

- Well, it's a bit cold after London. - Really?

I always wear wool next to the skin.

It's much healthier than breathing fumes of combustible gasses.

- Is that your car outside? - Yes.

0h. I do my nearer visits on a bicycle,

for the fresh air, you know.

We could make an arrangement by which you had part use of it.

I'd make the deduction from your salary, of course.

0h, now, you've met my wife, haven't you?

- Your wife?! - Shall we sit down?

Pour the Doctor his tea, my dear.

You do like it weak, don't you? Too much tannin is not good.

- Thank you. - Take a sardine.

I see there are exactly one and one third each.

It's healthier not to be overloaded

with a heavy meal last thing, don't you agree?

Yes, I suppose so.

Yes. Well, we'll discuss your duties

and I'll show you the drug cupboard after supper.

Shall we say grace, Jasmine, my dear?

Perhaps you didn't know I was married, Dr Sparrow.

- No, I didn't. - 0h, yes.

Yes, my wife used to be my housekeeper and er...

Very attractive lady, don't you find?

- Yes, indeed. - Yes.

Yes. Well, now, your duties...

You'll take morning and evening surgery and all night calls.

This is the drug cupboard. And these are the drugs.

And, er... what are all these?

Those? They're samples. The drug houses send a great many.

They're useful for private patients. They're a little source of income.

You make them pay for these?

Certainly. Patients don't appreciate what they don't pay for.

(Whistles) Good morning.

- (All) Good morning. - Bit young to be a doctor.

First, please.

0h, hello, Doctor. I'm Mrs Wilkins. How are you this nice, fine morning?

I'm very well. I hope we find that you are.

- Not so dusty. - Now, what's the trouble?

Trouble, Doctor? There ain't no trouble.

- I mean, what are you here for? - To get me medicine, of course.

- I see. What sort of medicine? - The red medicine, Doctor.

- What do you take it for? - Wind.

- 0h, you suffer from wind? - No. I haven't had wind for years.

0h.

If you don't mind my suggesting, as a rule, the Ws are at the back.

Yes. Right. Here we are. How long have you been taking this medicine?

- Going on 15 years. - 15?

Well, I'm afraid I shan't be able to give you any more.

What? But I must have me medicine.

You don't need it, dear.

But I take me medicine regular three times a day.

Control yourself. Doctors must cut down on unnecessary medicine.

- I want me medicine. - Well, you can't have it.

I want me medicine. I've got rights. I pay my National Health.

You're a thief! That's what you are.

Now, Mrs Wilkins...

- What's the matter, ducks? - He won't give me me medicine.

0h? All right. I'll handle this. You wait outside.

Taking those shillings from people what can't afford it.

I know what happens to them stamps. Lining the doctors' pockets.

I want me medicine!

- You've upset my wife. - I'm sorry.

I can't give her more medicine. It's against regulations.

0h. Well, also in the regulations for the control and conduct of the NHS,

it says that a patient what receives inefficient service

can state a case before the Council,

who, if necessary, shall deduct a fine from the doctor's remunerations.

- Now, look, Mr Wilkins... - Take it easy.

It's nothing personal. I'm just stating regulations. I know them all.

If you don't leave, you'll get a kick up the... coccyx.

- Violence will get you nowhere. - Next, please.

- Where's the doctor? - I am the doctor.

- I mean, the real one. - I assure you, I'm perfectly real.

0h, you're Dr Hatchet's new boy, I suppose.

What were you doing with poor Mrs Wilkins?

What can I do for you?

My Eva's chest, here. Cough, cough, cough all night, she does.

Really? I'd better examine her. Will she take off her cardigan?

Do as he says, Eva.

Thank you.

- Now, big breaths, Eva. - (Lisps) Yeth and I'm only thixteen.

My dear, I notice you've cooked four sausages.

I did an extra one for the doctor. He looked a bit peaky.

- Indeed? - (Telephone)

The telephone, my dear.

It's surprising the number of doctors that have sinned, isn't it?

Sinned?

Committed murder.

There was Neil Cream,

Palmer the Poisoner and... Crippen.

And for a number of motives - jealousy among them.

Yes, I suppose so.

I often wonder how many murderers there must be

who've never been detected in their crimes.

Do you?

Lf, indeed, it is a crime in some circumstances.

Doctor?

- Doctor? - Yes? Yes?

There's a call. Urgent. I've left the message in the hall.

Thanks very much.

It's all right, Mrs Hatchet. I can manage.

Morning, Doctor. I've been waiting for you.

- I hope this isn't a joke. - I never play jokes.

Some say I've got no sense of humour.

- Are you ill? - No, never ill.

You'll never have to treat me. It's the wife.

- What's the matter? - She's dying.

Let's have a look at her.

Well, it's very inconsiderate of him to insist on my coming now.

I'm sure he could wait. I've a good mind not to go.

You'd better. It's the bank manager.

Yes, though what one keeps an assistant for, I don't know.

No, dear.

Yes. Well, go back to sleep. I shall be away some time, I fear.

What a shame.

Goodbye, Hampton.

- Nothing seems wrong. - She wants to go to hospital.

- So does half the country. - I'm dying!

- See? She should go to hospital. - You should go to jug,

dragging a doctor out at this time for nothing.

- Deliberately, I expect. - All right. Have it your way,

- but I'm going to the Council. - You can go to UN0.

Very funny. But you'll be laughing out the other side of your face soon.

I'll be complaining first thing in the morning. I'll get you unfrocked!

Good night.

Call yourself a doctor? Well, doctor this!

(Yells in pain)

- Jug's come to you. - You old bag! What are you doing?

The Doctor's right. Dying, my foot. I'll have the law on you!

Doctor, you'll be my witness, won't you?

- Hello. - 0h, do go back to bed.

He's out. He had to see the bank manager.

- Go back to bed, anyway. - I can't sleep. I'm lonely.

He'll be away for a long time.

Would you like a cup of tea?

- It's the middle of the night. - Aren't you ever lonely?

- Yes, but not at the moment. - You are a spoilsport.

Look, get me one of those sleeping pills from the cupboard.

I love them. They make you feel all warm inside.

0h, all right. Well, you wait here for me, will you?

- There you are. - Give me the box.

- No, you can't... - You promised! Please!

(Latch rattles)

Your wife couldn't sleep. I was giving her a sedative.

Good night.

Cheer up, Mr Benskin. This one's on the house.

Ah, Padre, that's jolly nice of you.

- You've failed examinations before. - This one's different.

The old man has let me know that he's not going to go on staking me.

I've got to get a job. So, tomorrow, I set out for whatnots new,

via the labour exchange.

- Do you still want to be a doctor? - 0f course.

Er, a friend of mine told me that you...

- grant medical degrees here. - (lrish accent) 0h, we do.

To your duties, 0ona.

- Could you grant me one? - Certainly. Delighted.

- Come back after the weekend. - I'm from England, you see.

0h, well, that's different. Now, let me see.

- The examination's only viva voce. - Eh?

0ral, d'you know?

- Ah, oui. 0ui, oui. - Maybe we could do it in the taxi.

Come on with me now. Taxi!

Will you take my clubs?

Up you get. To the golf course, Seamus.

Now, then. Have you had any breakfast, Mr, er...?

Benskin. No.

Well, take a sup of this. It's nourishing.

Now, then. The examination. Let me think.

Er, what do you know about urea?

The chemical substance or my lughole?

Either.

Well, urea is a soluble crystalline compound found in the human body.

Right!

- Really? - Well, I think so.

- Good stuff, this. - 0h, it's the best.

Now, next question. What do you know of fibrillation?

- Fibrillation? - Fibrillation.

- It's a pretty word, isn't it? - Ah, it is that.

- It's a bit of a nerve. - That's what we've all got!

- 0h! 0h, very good. - I think I'll have some of that.

It may improve my swing.

Now, then. Next question... Ah, to blazes. You think of one.

Well, now...

I can think of plenty of questions. The answers are the problem.

What do you do in that case, eh?

- Well, that's quite a question. - 0h, that's a stiff one.

Do you know what I'd do? Go and call a specialist.

Full marks. Who'd object to that treatment?

Make them work instead of sitting on their... Ah, here we are now.

Congratulations. You've passed. That'll be 50 guineas.

I was told it would be. Erm...

Ah, thank you. I'll send your receipt,

and, of course, your diploma.

This is all quite legal, I suppose, isn't it?

You couldn't be better qualified if you'd been to Trinity College.

(Wolf whistles)

Hello.

You don't look at all well. I'm a doctor. Can I help?

- I'm very well. - 0h...

Well, you look a little green.

Not as green as all that... Doctor.

I had those tactics tried on me the first time I crossed...

back in the paddle boat era.

Clumsy. I'm bound to say he got me in the end, though.

In a loose box at the Dublin Horse Show.

- Really? - Know anything about them?

- Well, I flatter myself... - No, no. I mean horses.

I've just been across buying some.

- 0h? How many? - 0h, 20 or 30. I've forgotten.

- Are you really a doctor? - Yes, I am.

- Experienced? - Well, I, er...

I'm looking for one. I sent my last to the knackers some months ago.

Come and see me. Lady Howkins. Everybody knows me in Wiltshire.

Now, I don't want any rubbish with stethoscopes and prodding.

If I'm ill, I know what's wrong and what puts me right.

All you have to do is sign the prescriptions.

- You can read and write, I suppose? - Yes, I think so.

Apart from that and taking the dogs for walks

and dealing with emergencies amongst the staff, your time is your own.

I'll give you a thousand a year and if you want any relief -

and you look the type that would -

there are plenty of pretty local girls.

But confine your activities to the west wing and don't shock the cook.

I always lost cooks when my husband was alive.

0f course, one could replace them in those days.

He's been dead 20 years, but not before collecting

most of the diamond mines in South Africa.

Well, do you want the job?

- Yes, I do, indeed. - I'm as fit as a flea at the moment,

and so are the staff.

I may drop dead at any moment, but that'll just be bad luck on you.

Ring the bell. We'll have champagne.

I've a thirst like the Kalahari Desert.

- Congratulations. - Who told you? Joy?

- I'm delighted. - Thank you very much.

- Bangers. The dog's had one. - I haven't got a frying pan.

0h, it doesn't matter. Just lay them out cold and operate.

- I thought you were up north? - I was, but I resigned.

- He's out of a job. - Nice to have me home, though.

Trouble with the doctor's wife. You know the sort of thing.

0h, was there? They should be kept on a chain.

Not too short, but a chain.

That smells rather good. What is it?

It said baked beans on the tin but they diagnosed it wrong.

(Barks)

You had cornflakes for breakfast. Now, go away.

(Whines)

I think these are stewed plums.

Then, I'd cut down on the seasoning.

- Emerald! - Mmm?

A girl I met in an espresso bar. She's the receptionist to a doctor.

His partner's sick and he's looking for a stand-in. Park Lane.

- I'll call her. - No, Tony. I'm not the type.

- I haven't got enough experience. - Don't worry. I'll glamorize you.

I'll give you such a build-up.

- Good afternoon. I'm Dr Sparrow. - 0h, yes. Come in.

I'm afraid he's busy. Would you mind waiting?

No. No.

Would you take a seat over there, please?

Now, my dear, don't worry. You can ring me if you want to.

Razzy, you're marvellous. I feel better already.

Dr Sparrow, Doctor.

0h, yes. I'll be with you in one minute, my dear fellow.

- Hello, Dr Sparrow. - How do you do?

You'll forgive me turning you out?

No, I won't, but it doesn't matter. I'll telephone.

We'll go into the consulting room, shall we?

- Exquisite creature, isn't she? - Charming.

Very over... Very neurotic, though. 0h, well. All part of the grind.

Do sit down, my dear man.

It's so good of you to step into the breach like this.

My partner slipped a disc, you know. It's a great bore for him.

He'll be away three months, at least.

Yes, I'm afraid he's bound to miss Ascot, poor chap.

- Poor chap. - Trouble is, it's so difficult

to find the right person to replace him.

This is rather a special practice. The NHS is all very well,

but some prefer manners with medicine, don't you find?

- Yes, I do. - Smoke? Turkish or Virginia.

Thank you.

0f course, you've been out of the country for a while, haven't you?

That Himalayan expedition sounds fascinating.

What's- his-name told my secretary about it. You know...

I can't help admitting I do find young doctors today terribly dull.

They will treat their patients like guinea pigs.

By the way, did you meet old Charrington out there?

- No. - 0h, really?

He's always shinning up mountains. Perhaps it's the Alps.

Nice chap. His sister married one of those Austrian princes.

I treated him for nervous prostration.

Dr Potter-Shine, I ought to tell you, really...

0h, my dear chap, that's quite all right.

I don't want references. I pride myself on being a good judge of men.

I wish I could say the same for horses.

- We'll consider you engaged. - Thank you.

If you, er... If you want any salary, ask my secretary.

I was brought up never to discuss money.

It's a little vulgar, don't you think?

And, oh, er... forgive me...

Perhaps you have something a little more formal to wear.

I suppose you picked those up in Tibet?

See my tailor and charge it to the practice.

It's a chastening thought,

but good clothes are more important to a GP than a good stethoscope.

- Morning, Nurse. - Good morning. Razzy isn't in yet.

- Who's Razzy? - The Doctor. It's short for Erasmus.

And you needn't call me Nurse. It's a bit stiff. Emerald.

- Aren't you a nurse? - I played one in the films once.

Razzy wanted someone around who wasn't an old bag. He's very sweet.

- I see. - Good morning, my dear fellow.

That's very good. I like the trousers.

Such a boring thing has happened.

This is my day to visit old Skye and Lewes - the Duke.

At the crack of dawn, some actress rings up with laryngitis.

- What is one to do? - Can't she wait?

My dear boy, in this practice, no one waits.

I'll take the actress, the papers will be there.

You do the Duke. Take the Rolls. Hold the fort, Emerald.

- What's wrong with the Duke? - Just give him his usual treatment.

- Well, what is his usual treatment? - I don't know, but here's his card.

Twenty guineas a visit. That's all it says.

- Dr Sparrow, Your Grace. - Good morning, Doctor.

Heard Potter-Shine couldn't come, but you know about the case.

- Well, not everything. - Don't go into details.

- My blood pressure goes up. - We don't want that.

I've had the horse moved by the window.

- The horse? - Yes, it's sluggish.

- Down in spirit or something. - It's indisposed?

(Laughs) Well, come and have a look, will you? Draw the curtains.

0h, by the way, Doctor. I'm advised to get a camel.

- Really? - They kneel down when you get on,

and when you're on, they lie down.

Come along. We haven't got any time to waste. Have you got your watch?

- Yes. - Well, get it out.

And start this thing up, will you? Dash it. Reins in the wrong place.

- Start it up. - Where's the knob?

There. It's somewhere there. That's good.

0nly, er... 0nly ten minutes. Not a moment longer than ten... ten...

- Stop! Stop! - Stop?

No good. No good. I'm going to get a... get a camel.

Now... Put me down. Now you have a try.

- Me? - That's what you're paid for, right?

Well, get up and have a go. It won't hurt you.

- You'll pay the damages? - Very good.

I suppose you're charging the same outlandish fee as Shine?

I never discuss money matters. They're vulgar.

Well, yes. I still prefer a camel, you know, myself.

Me, too. I'm not doing you any good up here.

No. You're not doing any harm.

Do you mind my slipping off? There are no appointments.

No, off you go. Where's Razzy gone this afternoon?

He's playing golf with some patient. Janet or Joanna.

- He won't be back today. - Enjoy yourself.

I'm going to an audition, actually. Bye-bye.

Good luck.

(Whistling)

(Buzzer)

How do you do? I have an appointment with Dr Potter-Shine.

There must be some mistake. He's away. I'm his partner.

My private secretary arranged it.

- 0h, I'll just look in the book. - Thank you.

- What's your name again? - The Maharajah of Branda.

0h, please... I beg your pardon.

Ah. Your appointment's for next Friday.

That foolish secretary. I'll be at the Venice Film Festival.

Perhaps I might have a consultation with you. It's my back.

I strained it on a tiger shoot. It's still rather painful.

- A tiger shoot? - Mmm... Yes.

- Really? I'll have a look at it. - Thank you so much.

- Take your clothes off. - All of them?

- Except... - I never take that off.

(Buzzer)

- I want to see Razzy. - I'm sorry. He's not here.

I have to see Razzy, I...

- I think I'm going to die. - I don't think so.

How would you know? 0nly Razzy knows.

- You can't go in there. - Why not?

- Because you can't. - He's in there.

He doesn't want to see me. He's tired of me.

I promise you. I have a patient in there.

- I don't believe a word of it. - You can't go in there.

All right. I'll get him out.

- Control yourself. I beg you. - I want Razzy.

I've told you, he's playing golf.

Who with? That cat Joanna, I suppose.

- Yes, I believe so. - (Screeches)

- Don't be so ridiculous! - 0h!

- You struck a woman! - Yes, I did.

And I warn you, I'll do it again.

(Sobbing) 0h, please take me home.

I can't... can't do that, really.

- I'll get you a taxi. - No! No. Please take me home.

I... I can't possibly face this alone.

I... I have a half-naked patient in there.

If you don't take me home,

I shall sit on the pavement and scream until Razzy comes.

- I wouldn't do that. - I would.

In fact, I'll start now. (Begins to scream)

All right. I'll take you home, but we must be quick.

Er... Where do you live, please?

I think you're sweet. It's quite close.

Right.

(Screams)

I'm afraid I made rather a fool of myself, getting worked up like that.

It must have been the brandy. I'm sorry I clocked you one.

Well, I started it, didn't I?

It must be wonderful to be a doctor and cure people who are stricken.

It has its rewarding moments.

I think you're sweet.

- Do you? - Mmm.

Can I have some more milk or do you think it would be bad for me?

- I'll take your advice. - It would be very good for you.

(Buzzer)

Hello?

Emerald?

Simon? Anybody at home?

(Knocks)

I beg your pardon.

Excuse me. It's none of my business, but aren't you getting goose pimples?

It's lovely to have someone hold your hand, sympathise with you,

tell you you're wonderful, even if you're not really very ill.

That's where Razzy's so marvellous.

Have you ever noticed his eyes?

No.

They're hypnotic. Cruel and hypnotic.

I'm afraid I can't aspire to those heights

but I can sympathise with you, tell you that you're wonderful.

Hmm... Yes, I... I really feel very much better.

You're a very good doctor.

I know a little, I think.

I'm sure you do.

You know, when you look at me like that, you look hypnotic, too.

I don't feel hypnotic.

I feel like a slave girl with a lovely, fierce oriental potentate.

0riental potentate...

Crikey!

- Tony! - Hello, my dear fellow.

You haven't got a spiked mattress, have you?

His Highness is giving me a few tips. Was that all right?

- 0oh, you've been at the jam. - What? 0h...

I'm so sorry we're parting, dear boy,

but Willoughby swears he's fit enough to start work again,

and I expect you're itching to get back to the Himalayas, eh?

Razzy, you've been so good to me that I feel I must make a confession.

The Himalayas story... it was a lie.

Really? 0h, I am glad.

Terribly cold and uncomfortable it must be for them up there.

You've been a success here. All the neurotic women are in love with you.

They must be in love with their doctor.

Speaking frankly, it keeps them from suicide.

0ne doesn't have to be in love with them, which is a relief.

- What do you plan to do now? - I've got a job in the country.

It won't be as much fun but I'll get some reading done.

- I want to take up surgery. - Ah, yes.

Fascinating subject, I think, if a little on the ghoulish side.

Well, goodbye, dear boy, and good luck.

(Siren)

(Policeman) Pull over, please. Pull over to the kerb.

Are you the owner of this contraption?

- What? - This conveyance?

Yes, I am.

You know there are regulations for vehicle road-worthiness?

- Yes. - Has this one got efficient brakes?

Absolutely wonderful. Brake on a postage stamp.

We'll try a demonstration. Proceed at normal speed. I'll follow.

When you hear my horn, apply your brakes.

Let's go.

(Horn sounds)

(Screech of brakes, crash)

I, er... I can give you a tow into Grantham, if you like.

- How do you like these raspberries? - They're wonderful.

0ld Mrs Crockett's lumbago produces them year after year.

0ne of the advantages for an old man practising in the back of beyond

is that the patients are still inclined to pay in kind.

The cream's the postmistress's prickly heat. More?

- Thank you. - I hope you'll like it here.

- I shall, I think. - A change after Harley Street.

Not much bedside manner needed.

Half think they'll drop dead if they take their vests off.

(Horn sounds)

Here, mind you don't come down on top of them spikes.

I'd a pig got caught in that greedy devil one time. Come out rashers.

(Cock crows)

(Cow moos)

(Pigs grunt)

(Dogs barking, children shouting)

Well, what's wrong with you?

(Grunting)

He says he feels as if he's got rabbits running along his spine.

- Rabbits? Do they hurt? - Like heck, they do.

We'd better examine you. Take off your shirt.

- What? All of them? - 0h, now, come along, Dad.

- How's his appetite? - Lovely, Doctor.

Good.

He ain't half going to give Grandpa the works.

Away you go, all of you. I'll scalp your wee lugs.

- Wee horrors. - I can't find anything wrong.

I'll send you some tablets to make him sleep.

You're supposed to be a doctor. What about my rabbits?

I suggest we put a ferret in after them.

0ld lves, he's a villain. Did you use the thermometer?

No, the only one I could find was broken.

I'm afraid my equipment's not very up-to-date.

Not entirely, no.

If I can't tell if a patient's feverish by now,

I'm not much of a doctor.

But shove it under their tongues, anyway. You'll stop them talking.

- I'll remember that. - You must let them talk sometimes.

They need to.

They don't like boring their friends,

their relatives won't listen to them any more,

they're nervy of the parson,

so the doctor's the only one they can pour out their hearts to.

Maybe I've got old-fashioned ideas but it seems to me part of the job.

Perhaps the most important part.

Yes, I agree with you. Hadn't thought of it like that before.

Chap came in today,

said he had a strong erotic sensation every time he blew his nose.

Really? That's interesting.

- What did you say? - Nothing much.

I'm not up in psychiatry. What would you have said?

I should have told him some people have all the luck.

- Come in, Doctor. - Thank you.

- Sit down, won't you? - How about you?

I like standing up, if you don't mind.

Well, what can I do for you?

The fact is, Doctor, I had a little accident with my gun.

0h, I see. Got some shot in you, have you?

- That's it. - Where?

Where it makes me prefer standing up.

0h, I see. How on earth did you manage to shoot yourself there?

Er, well, it was my dog. You see, I left my gun standing in the corner,

and my old Bess got her paw on the trigger.

I'd better have a look at it.

- Go and lie down on your stomach. - Yes.

- How does it feel now? - Much easier. Thank you.

Excuse me a moment.

Doctor, perhaps you'd care to accept that as a present?

- I can't take that. - Take it, Doctor.

Dr Farquarson likes a bit of salmon with his supper.

How have you enjoyed it here?

Very much. I'm sorry to be leaving.

It's changed and so have the people,

thanks to the welfare state and education and bus routes and so on.

They still like getting something for nothing.

And they still come to my stretch of water and poach it,

just as in Grandfather's day.

They've not changed altogether. 0pen the wine.

I was down by the river last night. Somebody's been getting at my fish.

There was a fellow there on the bank, oh, with a big one.

Then he saw me and he ran.

I had my shotgun, so I loosed off.

I must have peppered him but he didn't drop the fish.

Damn it. If this goes on, I shan't get to eat my own fish any more.

Give the Colonel some wine, will you, lad?

Right up.

- Sorry to be losing you. - I'm sorry to be going.

Well, here we are again, back on the streets.

Let's drink to it. Mind that.

Thank you. What happened to your old lady?

0h, she's not with us any more, old boy.

She took me to a race meeting. Chirpy as anything on the way there,

but in the middle of slanging a bookie, she went, just like that.

Heart. Still, it's the way she'd have liked to have gone.

If anyone enjoyed life, she did. Bless her.

And what now?

I don't know. Something will turn up. What about you?

I'd like to go back to the hospital.

I've got to phone some solicitors. May I?

Yes, of course.

I suppose that blighter Bingham's still there?

- Yes. He asked me out to supper. - Did you go?

Fish cake and chips and a quiz on obstetrics? No thanks.

- Mr Wayland? Dr Benskin here. - Good of you to call, Dr Benskin.

We're handling the estate of Lady Howkins.

Did you know that she left you a legacy?

- No, I didn't. - 'Yes, a sum of money.

'Quite a large one, as a matter of fact. �15,000.'

- 15,000... Thousand? - 'Thousand.

'She was, as you know, a very wealthy woman...'

I'm rich! 15,000 quid!

Lady Howkins left me �15,000 in her will!

0h, oh, Tony!

You are to donate it to some hospital

or medical institution of your choice within six months.

- Bring her back. - (Joy squeals) Simon!

Wi... Are you there?

'Are you there, Dr Benskin?'

Hello. Yes, I am here. Yes.

I'm afraid we can't give you the cheque right away,

but we'll get it to you soon, or perhaps you'll call?

- Whatever you say, old boy. - We'll be in touch later. Goodbye.

The old darling. I never dreamt she'd turn up trumps like that.

15,000! What are you going to do with it?

I don't know. 0pen a nursing home for millionaires in the West Indies,

or chip into the face-lifting racket.

But first, I'm going to flog the old bus

and have a delicious holiday in the sun,

and you're both coming as my guests.

I'll find something when we get there.

(Tony growls lecherously)

- Tony! - Yeah?

- We want to eat. - 0h, yes. Hello.

- What do you want, sir? - Er, steak. Underdone.

I think that'll be enough to go on with. Joy?

Joy, stop reading about dyspepsia and give yourself it.

What?

- What would you like to eat, dear? - 0h! 0h, everything.

- The lot for the lady. - Bien, monsieur.

Yes!

Funny how sea air makes you feel peckish, isn't it?

0h, no!

- What's the matter? - Hopcroft!

- Who? - Hopcroft!

A governor at St Swithin's. I got into trouble with him.

- Forget about him. - What's he doing here?

0h, pardon, madame... mademoiselle.

- What would you like to drink, sir? - Something cold and bubbly.

- Champagne. Cliquot '47. - Bien, monsieur.

Funny how sea air makes you feel thirsty, as well.

0h!

Mmm, ahh.

Nous aurons bien le temps d'aller sur la plage.

(Growls)

- Funny how sea air makes you feel... - Black or white?

Well, they both have their points, you know.

Er... black.

Pardon, madame! Pardon, madame.

0h! Tu es completement dingue.

(Shouting)

Mes yeux! Mes yeux!

Good Lord! It's old Hopcroft!

What on earth's he up to?

- He seems to be in trouble. - I suppose we'd better help him.

(Shouting and arguing)

Non, mes yeux! Mes yeux!

(Tony) Vous... vous... dirty old homme!

Quiet! Calmez-vous! Calmez-vous!

Get in there. Get in there!

Calmez-vous! Les gendarmes viennent!

Police! Police! Police!

- Police! Police! - (Gendarme) Reculez! Circulez!

Come on, sir. Mind your head.

- (Joy) Steady. - Mind your head.

Reculez, s'il vous plait, alors!

- 0h! 0h! - Pardon, mademoiselle.

0h!

- Terrible experience... - Hello.

- In my position. I... - Terrible. Have another drink.

- Tony? - 0ught I to?

- Certainly. Doctor's orders. - 0h, are you a doctor?

- Er, yes, I am. - Yes, I seem to know your face.

- I'm connected with St Swithin's. - Yes, I know.

Gentlemen, if there's anything I can do

to express my gratitude, please say so - anything.

Well, as a matter of fact, sir. There is something. I want a job.

At St Swithin's? 0f course.

- Could you? - 0f course I can arrange that.

We should be happy to have such brains on our staff.

And you, sir? Do you wish to join us?

Well, that's jolly decent of you but I don't think I will.

I have other plans.

- Dr Benskin. Good morning. - Good morning.

- Please sit down. - Thank you.

- I have your cheque. - Splendid.

Should we hold it until you decide what you'll do with it?

0h, no, thanks, I-I've decided. I'll take it. D-D-Don't wrap it.

The executors would be interested

to know what plans you have for its disposal.

Well, quite a lot of things, you know.

A new ward?

No, I think I'm a little young to be a guardian yet,

but I like the idea, I must say.

Dr Benskin, perhaps you'd better read the will.

I told you on the telephone

but sometimes it's helpful to see it in print.

It's there.

Blimey!

Shall we go on holding it for you?

You'll know what to do with it.

I wonder if you could, er, possibly lend me sixpence for the bus fare?

- (Tony) 0i, road hog! - Morning.

Hardly a Bentley, but it'll save you walking the last few steps. Any luck?

Hopcroft got me a job with old Halebridge.

He's anaesthetics. You know nothing about 'em.

All done by machines these days. Twiddle a knob.

Just like driving a car.

0h, blast.

Supposing you give them too much choke?

- Morning, Sir Lancelot. - Morning, Whittle.

- Good morning, gentlemen. - (All) Good morning, sir.

0h, hello, Sparrow. I heard you were back in the old home.

My case now, I think.

Well, what are they doing with you, hmm?

0h, I'm back in Casualty.

Yes, I'm with old Spratt. You remember Sir Lancelot?

Yes.

He's come to rely on me, though I shouldn't say so.

Come along, my man. Pursue me.

Why do I have to walk so far? It's like a rabbit warren.

It's a wonder we aren't dead of myxomatosis. Don't you agree?

- Quite right, Sir Lancelot. - I hope so. What have I got?

A thoracotomy and a perforated gastric ulcer.

Another one? It's lunatic enough to get an ulcer at all,

without getting holes through it.

- How's that stomach I did? - As well as can be expected.

- Is it? - Yes, sir.

I thought he'd be pushing up daisies already.

- Good morning, sir. - Morning.

- You're Sparrow, aren't you? - Yes, sir.

- Back here again? - Yes, sir.

Well, keep out of my hair.

Simon! Hello. Like it? Nice shade of green, isn't it?

They're not letting you use anaesthetics?

There are only three stages of anaesthesia.

Awake, asleep or dead.

Blimey! You'll go far.

The thing to remember about spaghetti is never overcook it.

Most restaurants nowadays boil it for about a week.

It comes out like marine glue - smelling like it, too. Spensor-Wells.

- (Bingham) Can I do that for you? - No, you can't.

(Sir Lancelot) You let it boil 15 minutes, then slosh it out.

Take over, Benskin. I'm going to finish the crossword.

- Me? - Yes, straightforward case.

- Pulse as steady as a rock. ...then give it five minutes more

in a good, brisk oven. Cholecystectomy clamp.

0h, remind me to buy one of those new garlic squeezers.

Swab, man. Swab.

...we dug away, and there was a gallstone the size of Marble Arch!

I gave it to him as a paperweight. He didn't want it, so I use it.

Very useful it is, too, with all the bumf these days.

Driving my secretary mad. However, as long as she gets the bills out...

Hello, this looks a bit fishy.

- (Bingham) A transverse incision... - Scalpel.

(Snoring)

Mr Anaesthetist!

If the patient can stay awake during his operation, surely you can!

Hello, chaps. You know Nan?

- 0h, hello. - We have met.

When are you coming to see my research?

You'll find it interesting. It's instructive.

- What is it? - 0h, wait till you see.

- Well, cheers all round. - I thought you didn't drink.

Normally, I don't, but I'm celebrating.

I'm engaged to be married.

- Congratulations. - But to whom?

Well, didn't you know? Nan Macpherson.

- 0h! - 0h.

I say, do you know of a place for a honeymoon, romantic and all that?

As a matter of fact, I do.

It's a nice little place, very quiet.

Suit you both perfectly. It's called the Judges Arms.

I once stayed there under most romantic circumstances.

Well, that's that. Now, try and remember it.

They're bound to ask something on antibiotics.

- I'll try. - I must go. I'm on night duty.

- Joy? - Mmm?

How could anyone marry a bloke like Bingham?

- I suppose she loves him. - I suppose so. Hm!

What a life, being married to a doctor, anyway, eh?

Yes, it would be a strain.

It would be nice, too, if you married the right one.

- No supper? - No, thanks.

It's not baked beans. I'm on to omelettes these days.

Joy, you're very sweet.

What would I do if you passed your exams and beetled off somewhere?

I'm don't think I'm very likely to beetle.

I'm sort of a fixture here,

like sinks and door handles and things.

Well, just you remember that no one can get on without them.

- Good night. - Night.

Simon!

(Light knock)

- 0h, what is it? - Casualty case, Doctor. Male.

Intermittent abdominal pains. Severe at times.

- Does he look ill? - No, came in a taxi.

0h, what time is it?

Half past three. Raining like blazes outside.

- Ah, Doctor. - Good morning. What's the trouble?

Sorry to bother you, Doctor. Pascoe's the name.

- I've interrupted your repose. - No. Sit down.

I said to myself, "The Doctor's well in the arms of Morpheus.

- "Enjoying the sleep of the just." - Do sit down.

- Are we quite alone, Doctor? - Er, yes, yes.

- Do you know Sir Lancelot Spratt? - Yes, very well.

Sir Lancelot operated on me recently. Partial gastrectomy.

- You know. - Yes.

All was well until a few days ago. Then I began to have pains.

This evening, at supper,

I coughed and suddenly felt something in my mouth.

- It was a nut. - You'd been eating nuts?

0h, no. It was a metal nut.

A little later, I brought up more nuts and bit of a spring.

I've been bringing up pieces of old iron all night.

Mr Pascoe, this is almost impossible. Are you quite sure?

Doctor, look.

Looks like a nut from a surgical retractor.

Yes. I heard a rumour that something was missing after my operation.

Could I have a look at your stomach?

Yes, you've got a fresh scar there.

- This could be very serious. - That's why I came.

I'm not the kind to go to the law,

but if anything happened, I have so many relatives.

0h, it is possible, I suppose. I don't remember the case offhand,

but I had a new theatre sister about that time.

You're quite sure it's bits of a retractor?

All right, then. I'll come in.

Get the theatre ready for an emergency laparotomy.

0h, and Sparrow, you were quite right to telephone me.

Yes, those are bits of a retractor, all right.

Well, my man. We'll have to see how many other parts are inside you.

Yes, Doctor. Shall I show you what came up while I was lying here alone?

- Something else? - Yes. Yes.

This.

"Is this a dagger I see before me?"

Macbeth. Shakespeare. Yes, Shakespeare.

(Laughs maniacally)

Well, this is my research.

Keep it quiet. I don't want it to get about.

- (Bird screeches) - Seems like a losing battle.

- What's this caviar doing? - Good question.

That's the whole point. I'm experimenting with the effect of diet

on pigmentation - colour - of skin, fur and plumage.

They look well on it but I can't think why.

- Enzymes, old boy. - What?

Might throw light on human dermatography and genetic practices.

- What? - Breeding.

Quite. Most of them are responding pretty well,

but these two are presenting a bit of a poser.

- Why? And what are they? - Chameleons.

- Interesting, eh? - Very, if you like chameleons.

Yes, I rather fancy Sir Lancelot will be pretty impressed.

All helps, eh?

By the way, that was a bit of a boob with the loony, old man.

Dr Sparrow here? Blimey, pet's corner, eh?

- You're wanted in Casualty. - All right.

Er... Have them X-rayed first this time, old man.

Poor Sparrow. Always boobing.

Come in. It's a bit more cosy.

- Do sit down, Mrs...? - Mrs Dalton.

Mrs Dalton. Do sit down, will you?

- Here you are. - Thank you.

Now, then. Tell me what worries you.

They... they say they want to operate on me.

Do they?

Yes. I'm scared.

Well, there's really no need to be, you know.

Everyone here's very kind and understanding.

Why don't you tell me all about it?

Well, it started about five years ago,

just after my husband died.

- I'll cut through Casualty. - Good night.

By the way, that chap Bingham, what do you think of him?

- He's a very clever chap. - Yes, I suppose he is.

But I'm inclined to wonder whether he's in charge or I am.

- Good night, George. - Good night, sir.

I see what's worrying you, and I understand.

- Who's doing the operation? - Sir Lancelot Spratt.

- Sir Lancelot? - Do you know him?

- Yes, very well. - What's he like?

You're very lucky. He's one of the best surgeons in the country.

We're very proud of him here. Mind you, he's a bit of a bear.

He growls a bit but you mustn't take any notice of that.

You couldn't be in more secure hands.

0h, that does make me feel better.

- But... - But what?

Well, there is another thing...

My sister, you see. She had an operation.

All the doctors said it was going to be all right but it wasn't.

- She was ill long after. - Complications can arise sometimes,

things that no one can foresee.

- Have you ever made a mistake? - Who me? 0h, Lord, yes.

There was chap last night. Came in just like you, a bit late.

Said he was bringing up nuts and bolts.

He was a crank. I got bawled out but you see, he might've been right.

He might have been ill. I couldn't take a chance.

You know, I don't know why anyone becomes a doctor or a nurse.

All that responsibility.

Well, you know, Mrs Dalton, I've often wondered that myself.

There are easier ways to earn a living.

It's not for the glamour and it's certainly not for the money.

No, I think it's because they feel that...

the most precious thing we have on this earth is life,

and nothing's more important than to help people get their full share.

- That's why you became a doctor? - Who, me? I'd like to think so.

As a matter of fact, I wanted to be a surgeon,

but I don't think I ever shall now.

So I've just got to be good as a different sort of doctor.

- A cup of tea? - 0h, yes.

I'll go ask Harry to put some on.

I'd have thought it would be more interesting to research rarer things,

like, oh, I don't know... elephants, for instance.

You sometimes get a white elephant, don't you? Why?

That's a point.

How would one get information on elephant diet and... practices?

From a zoo, I imagine, or a circus. I expect they keep records.

Would you like me to find out for you?

Would you? As you can see, I'm pretty busy.

- Yes, all right. - Good girl.

Ask for all they've got on elephants.

All they've got on elephants. Yes.

Mention Sir Lancelot. That'll impress them.

Elephants.

I want a report on that gastrectomy. I'm not quite satisfied with it.

- Yes, sir. - No lack of punctuality. Well?

Excuse me, guv'nor. Where can I find a bloke called Spratt?

I am a bloke called Spratt.

- I've got something for you, sir. - What?

Come on the instructions of a gent called Bingham, for you.

Where is it?

(Trumpets)

(Trumpeting)

0h, no! I asked for all they'd got on elephants,

not all the elephants they'd got!

(Trumpets)

(Laughter)

- Dr Bingham! - Coming, sir. Sir Lancelot...

- What is the meaning of this? - Sir, I...

- Is this your idea of a joke? - No, sir. It was...

Dr Bingham, they assure me that elephants never forget.

Allow me to assure you, neither do consultant surgeons.

Good day to you.

(Elephant trumpets)

- Hello, Joy. - Hello, Tony.

Well, why so glum? Where are you off to?

To Spratt, to get the sack.

- Join me. - You've got another job already?

Private personal physician to the Maharajah of Branda.

I'm starting a clinic for his girls.

Well, if you need any elephants, Joy has a contact.

By the way, I've given Lady Howkins' 15,000 to St Swithin's.

Tell them to stuff... some pillows with it.

(Growls) That's nice, isn't it? See you in the pub.

That's old Benskin fixed up. Heaven help India.

What'll you do now?

Go back to GP, end up in Middlesbrough with feet and ringworm.

- Someone's got to do it. - Be you soon.

- No, it won't. - What?

- You were right. I've given up. - Joy!

My student days are over.

What will you do? Go back to nursing or something?

I might. I think I've rather lost the thing.

I'm a bit sick of hospitals. I might do private nursing.

Some old rich woman eating her head off in Monte Carlo.

That would be fun.

Palm trees, sunshine, Greek millionaires...

- Somehow they don't appeal to me. - You must be dotty.

What on earth's the matter with Monte Carlo?

It's too far from Middlesbrough.

I'll wait for you in the hall.

- (Knock) - Come.

Dr Sparrow, I do not enjoy being hauled out of bed at 3am,

made to drive through a cloudburst to see a sicked-up surgical saw.

I understand, Sir Lancelot. I apologise.

I do not accept your apology.

This is not the first time our paths have crossed unhappily.

- No, sir. - Then, let's ensure it is the last.

I assume you mean my dismissal from the hospital?

A not unnatural assumption. I hear you're interested in surgery.

What makes you think your gifts lie there?

Some may say that a nuts and bolts factory is more suitable

than an operating theatre.

0r have you what is called a vocation?

Yes, I have. I have a vocation, if that's what you call it,

and one day I'll prove it, though I shan't have a title

and a conceit as big as my backside to advertise it!

You're being remarkably insulting.

And I'm thoroughly enjoying it. And I don't apologise.

And I'd have thought it might be an interesting clinical experience

for you to be on the receiving end for once.

Good morning.

0h, Dr Sparrow, one further thing.

I do not growl like a bear...

I ROAR LIKE A LION! GET OUT!

(Buzzer)

Spratt. 0h, yes, Sister. I'll be along in a minute.

Get 'em lined up, and see the tools are sharp.

Where do we go now?

To the pub to find me a drink and then to find me a job.

Dr Sparrow, put that wretched woman down. Gentlemen.

Where the devil do you think you're going?

To get myself a ruddy great drink. Then I'm going to get a job.

That's the wrong direction. The operating theatre's this way.

I'm going this way.

- What for? - To get married!

You can't get married today. You'll have to put it off.

If you want to be a surgeon, you'd better start now.

The first thing you do is order a respectable suit.

- Simon? - What?

- Who are you going to marry? - What?

Well, you, of course.

- Unless you've any objections? - Dr Sparrow, I'm waiting.