Original subtitles

♪ Listen to me honey, dear ♪

♪ Something's wrong with you I fear ♪

♪ It's getting harder to please you every year ♪

♪ I don't want to make you blue ♪

♪ But you need a talking to ♪

♪ Like a lot of people I know ♪

♪ Here's what's wrong with you ♪

♪ You're discontented ♪

♪ You're always wishing and wanting for something ♪

♪ When you get what you want ♪

♪ You don't want what you get ♪

♪ And though you sit upon my knee ♪

♪ You'll grow tired of me ♪

♪ 'Cause after you get what you want ♪

♪ You don't want what you wanted at all ♪

Standing in front of you is the Barosaurus,

with its head up in the clouds.

The Barosaurus stands at 50 feet tall,

making it the one world trade of dinosaurs.

I've been thinking about my own extinction recently.

Upon finding one, they would--

And dying alone without ever having been in love.

Maybe it's because we're at a Shiva, Grammy,

but being single and the next thing

doesn't sound so tragic.

I mean,

who's to say that Cleopatra and I wouldn't hit it off?

I heard she liked short guys.

So, anyway.

I'm 30 years old.

I'm single.

I'm so happy. You know?

It's also cuffing season,

so I gotta do a roster reset anyway.

You're 30 and single?

Well, there's my situationship.

We have a mutual muting,

which basically means that we've muted each other

on Instagram so she can't see my stories,

and I can't see her stories, and I can't see her posts,

and she can't see my posts.

But we still follow each other because that would be

too permanent if we unfollowed each other

or blocked each other.

You really love this heartbreak stuff, don't you?

To have a heartbreak, you must have a whole heart.

Oh, you don't like her.

You don't like her.

I've never met her.

'Cause she's not Jewish.

I never said that.

To you.

The good news is I'm incapable of loving anyone.

Except yourself.

What? Why do you keep looking?

What is so important that's on that thing?

I'm back on the apps.

But you said you were off the apps.

I was off the apps, and then I went back on the apps,

and then I went off them again, and I just deleted my account,

and now I deleted the actual app.

But just this morning, I got back on them.

Huh.

Oh, why does that say 6'2"?

Oh, is that what it says?

Yeah. Typo.

It's cuffing season!

Yeah. I'm just trying to grasp the concept of my

30-year-old son making Christmas movies.

I'm lucky enough to be even making a movie.

Maybe it's time for you to get a realer job.

Just 'cause my movies and my art are funded

by some billionaire who likes to sell surveillance products

to people across America, doesn't mean it's not real art.

Do you want me to call them?

Mm.

Don't call them.

You don't need to c-- No.

Please don't call them.

Christmas Kiss has, like, a 3.2 on Letterboxd.

It's awesome.

You're a small baker.

He's a prince. You're a wannabe princess.

You guys meet in New York City.

You're in the Big Apple. It's magical.

It's very surrealist, avant-garde.

Every time you kiss, time freezes.

More snow! Let's get ready to roll!

Thank you very much.

I'm gonna need twice the size.

All right, guys. We're rolling soon.

I'm gonna need way more turtlenecks.

No mock necks.

Only turtlenecks.

Ah, yeah, Leo, it is looking amazing, okay?

But when they kiss I need him to hold this and he must say,

"I hope we can brush up together forever."

This is their first kiss.

Not some time for product placement.

Yeah, but the brand want a first-kiss moment.

Yeah. The brand's not directing the movie.

Yeah. Well, you don't have final cut.

We can always edit this in post.

-Red Bull! -Got it.

Want one? It'll give you wings.

You want wings?

You're gonna CGI in a toothbrush?

Yeah. Two words.

A.I.

Sound, production.

- Red Bull? - Take two.

You know what they say, "Love, it's a lot like a toothbrush.

You use it every day,

but you don't really appreciate it

until you don't have one to use."

I hope we can brush up together forever.

First kiss!

Are you sure you don't want me to call them?

Your sister's husband, he has a real job.

-Creg? -Greg.

-Creg. -Greg, Creg.

-He-- -Went to Yale, twice.

Greg is a gambling addict from New Jersey.

The best views of New York come from New Jersey.

Maybe you should apply to grad school

or volunteer for the Peace Corps.

Grad school? For what?

Law, art, become a doctor.

Are you sure you don't want me to call them?

Don't call anyone.

Having a normal job's not so bad, you know?

Or a girlfriend.

What makes you think I don't have a--

A girlfriend?

Your sister tells us.

She tells us you have that thing.

The friend with benefits.

You're so hot.

You're so beautiful.

I wanna feel you inside me.

You make me feel so good inside.

I love you.

Did you just mutter "I love you" to me?

Whoop, no.

Leo feels weird about Molly not saying "I love you."

Well, we're not in a relationship.

It's still a ship, okay?

It's the same conjugation of the verb.

Situationship, relationship, same thing.

It's the same conjugation.

We are in a situationship.

You all are in a situationship.

When we're in Spain.

And--

We were in a situationship.

Which is us.

We are in something.

Hey, Siri, play thunderstorm sounds.

Jesus!

This is what you wanna sleep to?

- Yes. - You wanna fall asleep to this?

- Yes. - Hey, Siri.

Let's go ahead and turn off the Cat-5 hurricane,

Molly, sounds and put on 56 gigahertz white noise.

We're in a situationship.

Siri, play thunder sounds.

Hi, reporting live outside

what is a Category-5 hurricane, Molly.

It's coming in, and I'm, like, in a twister.

It's a key to my apartment,

and it's just in case I lock myself out.

And I mean nothing more by that.

No pressure.

I just want you to have it.

Isn't there someone else that you can give this to?

You don't want it?

I'm just worried that I'm starting to get in the way

of you finding real love.

You are not in the way of me finding real love,

because real love is not what I'm looking for.

Okay.

Right.

My mistake.

"Am I in the way of you finding real love?"

he says confidently.

Oh, God!

Real love is, like, the last thing I need right now.

I just got a little defensive.

Well, I do think that one--

I do think that, um, I do think that--

You do think?

I do think one day in the future,

we should stop seeing each other.

Yeah, I agree.

But I don't think that day needs to be today.

Yeah, I agree with you on that.

As long as you're cool with what we're doing right now.

I love what we're doing.

You know, it might not kill you to have a job and a girlfriend.

How did this distill to becoming some sort of roast

wherein I have no resemblance of a love life?

Oy vey, I won't pry.

You've already begun the prying process.

You may continue to pry.

You make not a lot of money.

I'm a bad mom for even suggesting it.

You seem to have no work-life balance.

I just think that if you had a girlfriend

and you had a hobby or you had something fresh,

it would be good for you.

Don't-- I don't need to be attacked.

Everything's under control.

Everything is in motion, everything's in progress.

Christmas Kiss 2 is just around the corner.

Christmas in New York was a number one hit smash

on the Christmas channel.

What about that girl Eva?

I always liked her.

She liked you.

Eva Shapiro from summer camp, like, a bagazillion years ago?

Yeah, her and I have not spoken in a long time.

Don't forget to bring a gift to your sister's bris.

You're supposed to bring a gift to a bris?

Hey, Mill, what should I do with these cookies I just got you?

Oh, a bite's missing!

And Eva Shapiro's here.

The Eva Shapiro's here?

-What are you talking-- -Who's The Eva Shapiro?

Mm, some girl from camp.

The love of his life.

Yeah, it's the hand one.

Uh, could you--

She's a hand model?

put on the jacket.

- Just dress. - I don't need to wear this.

- I look fine! - Just dress.

Legendary OTPHJ.

-Guys. -Over-the-pants hand job.

Whose pants and whose hands?

It was only over the pants?

That doesn't count.

She just moved back to New York.

I hear she's gonna be on Broadway.

Well, you know, trying, 'cause it's very tough.

Eva Shapiro's gonna be on Broadway?

You keep in touch?

We don't touch, or keep anything.

Go talk to her.

That's a sign, it's meant to be.

Mom, I'm not insane.

I'm not gonna go say something to her.

I'm just gonna follow her when I get home on Instagram,

and if she's private I'll just go check up on her

latest occupations on LinkedIn.

Careful.

She can see if you looked at her LinkedIn.

Private browsing mode.

Thank you, Creg.

I'll just do the normal thing.

I'll go home, see if she has an Instagram.

If it's private, I'll Google her name.

I'll go private browsing mode, I'll go to her LinkedIn,

I'll see what she's been up to.

How the hell does he know that?

Good question.

She's not even gonna recognize me.

For one thing, I'm hot and I'm keto.

Also, I'm, like, a foot taller than I was before, okay?

You know, my teeth are perfect.

They're, like, thank you to Dr. Lemchen for the teeth.

Yeah, we could have-- we could have sent a kid to college

with the money we paid him.

- Yeah. - Oh, it was worth it.

- Leo Kadner? - Eva Shapiro!

- Hi! - Mm, how are you?

Fav CIT ever.

-Hi. -Hi, honey, how are you?

- Good to see you. - Good to see you.

Congrats. Oh.

-Mm. -Leo.

-How are you? -I'm great.

-Wow! -Congratulations.

Thank you, thank you.

What are you doing here?

I'm helping out the rabbi.

Haven't seen you in forever.

It's been 15 years, by the lake, under the moon.

- Yeah. - Mm. Anyway.

Camp is a blur to me.

Same. Don't remember a single thing.

Where are you right now?

Uh, here-- Brooklyn. I live in Brooklyn.

I'm in the Upper West Side.

Long distance.

Yeah, it's, like, a two-hour flight,

-TSA pre if you're lucky. -Mm.

Eva, we heard you're on Broadway.

Oh, my God, no. I wish.

I am just auditioning.

I'm, uh, tutoring for money right now

so I can support my antiquing addiction.

It's a problem.

I'm just kidding.

I am Bar Mitzvah tutoring.

- Mm! - Yeah.

- You're a Bar Mitzvah tutor? - Yeah, for now.

Where were you when we needed you?

- Why? - Did Leo not get Bar Mitzvah?

- No. - Leo! What the heck?

Okay, everyone, this isn't about me.

This is not the roast of Leo.

Okay. Well, it's never too late.

Never too late.

That's, uh, what we told his great-uncle

before he gave all his money to Epstein.

Maybe we could do coffee or drink sometime.

Coffee or drink sounds great.

Coffee or drink.

And maybe your phone number, too?

- Let's do it. I'm down. - Okay.

Oh, it's already in there actually.

That's fun. Um...

Oh, I think the rabbi is about to start.

B'shem Adonai.

Welcome, everyone.

What a wonderful, wonderful Mitzvah.

Hey, what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

I do take tips.

I screwed up. It said, "OTPHJ Eva Shapiro Camp."

It's over before it started.

Yeah, you're fine, dude.

OTPHJ could stand for anything.

"Only the pizza has jalapenos," or-- or, "Oh!

Oh, that possum has jeans!

I'm on the plane, pissed my jeans!"

It's no big deal.

It also never happened.

What do you mean?

The hand job never happened, man.

Come on, she's a classy girl!

She has class!

She's not gonna stroke you off under a blanket to her

during I, Robot!

It's a scary movie,

and has only grown more realistic with time!

Can I get a pepperoni?

Just one?

Yeah, just a slice.

You got it.

Come on.

It did happen.

It was an over-the-pants hand job.

I had just gotten the new 16-gigabyte iPod,

thousand songs in my pocket.

I ran over to her side of camp to see her,

and I tripped, and fell, and cracked the screen.

Such a fool.

But then I met her by the lake, under the moon.

I was crying.

She felt bad that I had cracked my iPod screen,

so she gave me an over-the-pants hand job.

Did you walk home wearing those same pants?

Or did you take them off and walk home naked?

Hmm.

Your life was fine before Eva Shapiro.

It'll be okay without Eva Shapiro.

Do not text Eva Shapiro.

Whatever you do, do not Google Eva Shapiro.

Okay, fine.

Eva Shapiro, Camp Darby Lake, Northwestern.

Actress, tall.

Shit.

Is this private browsing mode?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?

Is she single?

Private Instagram.

That means single.

If she-- if she was in a relationship,

she would wanna show off that relationship.

Dear Eva Shapiro, do you want to get coffee?

I have a question for you.

3, 2, 1.

Almost ready to send it.

Maybe 3, 2.

T minus two, T minus three.

What is that?

What is that?

What is th-- What is that?

What is that?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

If you are gonna text her, text her with a purpose,

text her with a reason.

Coffee. Coffee's too not specific.

It's too vague. There's no template.

There's no schedule.

There's no reason for follow-up.

A coffee is a one-off.

A coffee is finite.

But a Bar Mitzvah tutor...

No!

A Bar Mitzvah tutor is forever.

Don't do it.

You're not gonna do that.

You're not gonna text her

and ask her to be your Bar Mitzvah tutor.

That's absolute--

Uh, why do you wanna have a Bar Mitzvah?

I'm 30 years old.

And I don't have kids, or a house, or a family.

And I still rent, which is, like, a cash burn.

And Mildred died.

Mildred's my plant,

that didn't even require that much water or sunlight,

but it did die of natural causes.

Plant lice.

Oh, so you're doing it 'cause you're pathetic?

I guess.

Don't take it personally.

We're all pathetic.

See, for me, I am a struggling actress, but even worse,

I wanna be on Broadway, right?

So I can't pay my rent, or have health insurance,

or freeze my eggs.

That is a huge down payment.

I looked it up.

So to fuel my hopeless dreams and my stupid spending

on vintage furniture, I tutor kids,

little boys and girls like you.

Did you know that there are 41 Broadway stages,

and I am on zero of them?

See? You happy now?

Uh, it's nice to see two screw-ups

from Darby Lake Camp make it.

You got kicked out because you came to the girls' side

of camp and stole an iPod.

I had my iPod, and I was coming over to your side of camp

to see you because I had just made my playlist,

"Songs that Eva Shapiro and Leo Listen to

When They Miss Each Other,"

and we were gonna listen to it down by the lake.

I gave you my iPod.

Anyway, you're turning 31.

That's 13 backwards.

Which is a great reason to have a Bar Mitzvah right now.

So, what is your timeline?

Timeline is, uh, my birthday.

-Which is... -You don't remember my birthday?

Do you remember my birthday?

Of course. July 27th, 1993.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ It's Eva's birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday, birthday to you ♪

Woo!

Woo!

That's creepy and weird.

Your birthday is in March.

August. December.

Yeah, you remembered.

December 26th.

Great.

Three months.

You wanna do this in three months.

Technically 13 weeks.

Okay.

Uh,

well, I do have these two kids on an accelerated track.

Are they cool?

Yeah, Leo.

They're cool.

Are they taller than me?

So we'll set up a meeting with the rabbi and your parents.

Mark and Susan will take no part in this.

Divorcé parents on opposite sides of the Central Park.

That's the way we like to keep it.

Susan gets the Upper East, Mark gets the Upper West.

That is the Treaty of the Kadners

that we have made.

This is the Parshat Vayetze.

It's the, uh, same thing that James and Sally are gonna do.

It's from Genesis.

Oh, I love Phil Collins.

Read it, live with it, love it, kiss it.

Huh, I wish we lived in a world where you could just tell people

how you really feel.

I mean, what would the consequence be for just saying

that I think we're meant to be together?

Only 27 bucks, and in this economy.

It's on me.

So you're gonna wanna figure out your Bar Mitzvah project,

which is based on your Torah portion,

and then you're gonna wanna figure out a party situation,

if you want a party.

"A party?" he says confusingly.

Mm, I gotta get to an audition.

Hey, got any advice,

Mr. Big Christmas Movie Maker Guy?

Um, be yourself, bigger, faster,

and don't forget to flash that wonderful Christmas smile.

Like that.

Do you think I should act like I care

and then be really upset when I don't get it, or act like

I don't care and be really upset when I don't get it?

As my grandma, Grammy, always says,

"You know what to do."

Wow, you're such a know-it-all without knowing anything at all!

Love to your Grammy!

♪ And though you sit upon my knee ♪

♪ You'll grow tired of me ♪

♪ 'Cause after you get what you want ♪

Yes!

Whoo!

How did, um, how did you and Papa Bob know when

to have the "what are we" conversation?

We never did.

How'd you know when you loved him?

He showed up at my front door with dozens of roses

and he wouldn't leave my house

until I agreed to go out with him.

Finally, I did.

We drank dry martinis all night.

You know, you have to shake a dry martini to a waltz.

Grammy, that's really cute,

but today we would call that stalking

and you'd be canceled off the internet.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, it was so romantic.

He reminded me of Ernest Borgnine in Marty.

Is Ernest Borgnine a sort of

swashbuckling Douglas Fairbanks type?

No.

He's more doughy and relatable like you.

-I can't just-- -Shorts!

It's almost Christmas.

It's freezing.

Since when you're so interested in falling in love?

Since my Bar Mitzvah project.

What?

I am going to become a Bat, sorry, Bar Mitzvah.

Oh, that is wonderful.

31 candles, you have to have 31 candles.

You have a tutor?

Remember Eva Shapiro from sleepaway camp?

A tall, pretty girl.

I was taller than her for one summer at camp,

but then I came back the next year

and she was a foot taller than me.

You know, she grew on the outside,

I grew on the inside.

I know you always had a crush on her.

A crush is when you like somebody, but it's one-sided.

We both like each other,

so it's not a crush, it's a mutual liking.

A mutual liking.

God, she could be the one!

She could be the one.

You know what to do.

You need a haircut, right?

It's in your face.

And you have those beautiful eyes.

You need me to pay for it?

I'll be happy to.

Hi, I'm Eva Shapiro.

I am 6'1½", and I'm currently unrepresented.

♪ Baruch atah, Adonai ♪

♪ Eloheinu, Melech haolam ♪

♪ Shehecheyanu, v'kiy'manu ♪

♪ V'higianu laz'man hazeh ♪

Stop, thank you.

All right, now you guys,

you can read it right in front of you.

5, 6, 7...

♪ Baruch atah, Adonai ♪

Amazing.

♪ Eloheinu, Melech haolam ♪

♪ Shehecheyanu, v'kiy'manu ♪

♪ V'higianu laz'man hazeh ♪

Just could you sing better maybe next time?

I have perfect pitch.

No way.

I do.

What pitch is he in?

F.

Okay, guys, let's be, uh, nice.

C sharp.

Speaking of the C, my bladder is full as the ocean.

I'm gonna take a tinkle.

Keep practicing.

How old are you?

Don't be rude, James!

Why don't you take a guess?

I don't know.

Let me see.

Hm, I see wrinkles.

I see kinda tooth loss.

So, he's not that old, but not too young.

James, what do you think?

What's happening?

52!

Mm, no.

No, I think he's 41.

I'm 30 years old.

Oh, my God!1

What are you doing here?

Being Jewish is about accepting others, James.

Sorry.

What brings you here with us today?

I am here because I didn't have a Bar Mitzvah

when I was younger and I'm having one now.

Why?

Because--

And this is our little secret.

I have a little crush on Eva Shapiro.

So, I'm just here to learn the Hebrew,

get her to fall in love with me happily ever after.

You only get one.

My dad told me if I did this, he'd get me a PS5.

I'll do anything for a PS5.

Well, I'm honoring my Jewish passage,

and I can invite Ryan to my party.

Who's Ryan?

Her crush.

Who doesn't exist.

People do crazy things when they have a crush.

Sorry, guys.

Let's start from the top.

You got this. Just do it.

♪ Baruch atah, Adonai ♪

♪ Eloheinu, Melech haolam ♪

♪ Shehecheyanu, v'kiy'manu ♪

I think he's gonna start crying.

- ♪ V'higianu ♪ - Yeah, he's crying.

♪ Laz'man hazeh ♪

I think he's having a heart attack.

All right, let's do it.

So, first, when you're playing basketball,

you gotta show everyone you're open, right?

They're not just gonna pass it to you.

So, kadma.

Kadma.

Great.

Then when you get the ball, you're gonna shock absorb.

So mahpach.

Mahpach.

Then you gotta go back up.

You gotta see who's open on your team, right?

So, pashta.

Looking around.

You gotta fake out the defense.

Munach.

Ha!

Katon.

Oh!

Yeah, bitch!

Yeah!

Nice shot, Eva Shapiro.

Yeah, I was on the A-team in eighth grade.

No big deal.

Katon.

Have you figured out what you're doing

for your Bar Mitzvah project yet?

What are Sally and James doing?

Sally is selling seashells by the sea shore

to end cancer and James is gonna end bullying.

Hey!

I was thinking that much like the protagonist

in my Torah portion, Jacob,

I would fall off the metaphorical camel

and allow myself the opportunity to fall in love

before I become a man on my 31st birthday on Bar Mitzvah.

Uh, excuse me.

This must be mine!

And one!

Typically, we do something for the community of people.

You know, the public.

Not really for ourselves.

Typically, I don't wanna die alone,

and so I need to allow myself the ability

to fall in love with someone.

Okay, Mr. Darcy.

How are you gonna do that?

Well, for one thing, I'm a really great first date.

And so I'm gonna go on a couple first dates with people

who are in need of romance and who have just come out of

something recent and so they're looking for love and

they need sort of someone to help them transition from

being in something serious to something less serious.

That's really sad.

I know.

Mazel tov, bitch.

Oof!

Ooh!

Did you know that 30% of people don't have internal monologues?

I bet she's thinking all about me.

I wonder if the CVS on Broadway has any Vyvanse left.

I don't want to go back to the Adderall.

The Adderall makes me crazy.

The Concerta makes me constipated.

That's even worse, so...

What if I asked her out to dinner or drinks?

We had a great time together.

Just let it be a slow burn, like a candle.

I don't know.

Maybe I'll do that microdosing thing that...

No, no.

I'll stick to the Adderall.

Ah, gosh.

I can't believe I'm with her.

If we were to kiss, I'd have to get on my tippy toes.

Kadma.

Kadma.

It's the reason for the basketball.

-Hey. -Oh. What--

-Jensie! -Hi.

Oh, my gosh. Hi.

Hi. What are you doing?

Leo. Remember Leo from camp?

-How are you? -Oh, my God!

-Hi. -Of course!

-Yeah. -Yeah!

You were our green team spirit captain.

Didn't you get stuck on that taco ride at Aquaboggin?

It was a mechanical error. Thanks. Yeah, that was cool.

-That-- that was you? -My little sister.

-Oh! On the Mayan calendar.

How are you?

What are you guys actually doing right now?

I have to, like, kill some time before my show.

I'm going home. I didn't know you had a show.

Well, not my show. Chase Sapphire's show.

You guys wanna get drinks or--

I thought you guys broke up.

Okay. We did. Shut up.

I hate him. Leo?

Then why are you going to a show of a guy that broke up with you?

Because I'm a masochist who lives

in a one-sided delusional relationship with my ex.

Let me live.

-Have fun. -You're not coming?

-No. I got stuff to do. -Okay. I'll see you next week.

-Let me find a cute little spot -Yeah.

around here. Yeah.

Um, how you been?

I'm good.

I'm fine.

Kind of been just grappling with my existence as an individual,

and also as like an artist, where, basically, like,

I don't know, I don't wanna be defined by my art,

but then it's like my work is what defines me.

You know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean.

Um, there's a cute spot down here.

-Okay. -What sort of art are you in?

I do TikToks.

Oh, modern art.

♪ Shabbat shalom ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Shabbat shalom ♪

♪ Hey, Shabbat, Shabbat, Shabbat shalom ♪

♪ What does a mouse say to another mouse? ♪

-Good morning. -♪ He says good morning ♪

How are you?

You know, I blame American cinema for stigmatizing

going down on women.

Huh. Let me guess.

This is, like, your NYU Gallatin thesis or something like that?

Ugh. My sister told you?

She always mocks me for not knowing

what I wanted to major in,

as if we're defined by our juvenile perception of what

we wanted to be when we grow up.

Oh, my God.

You actually read about that, huh?

Have you ever seen a French film,

-Mr. Christmas Movie? -Yeah.

It's Dr. Christmas Movie, and I love Ratatouille.

French film understands that sexual desire is an

integral part of human nature and relationships,

whereas American cinema, on the other hand,

emphasizes sexual desire

for commercial and sensationalist reasons.

That's why the male gaze,

it's killing true romance in cinema.

Seriously.

Didn't know you were so passionate

about French movies.

Yeah. Well, that's what happens when you're raised

by a therapist and an author.

Light reading?

I didn't know you were this Jewish.

Well, I'm Jew-ish.

So just the recreational study of the ancient texts?

I'm having a Bar Mitzvah.

Got it.

You never had one.

My parents thought that their divorce

was more important than my manhood.

You should talk to my sister.

She tutors kids with Bar Mitzvas.

I'm talking to your sister.

She's actually my--

She's gonna be tutoring me.

Right.

But we're friends.

You know, it's like a friendly tutoring thing.

What does that mean?

It means I pay her to be my friend

and to teach me about the Torah.

Really?

I'm embracing cultural stereotypes.

What do you want me to do?

Can I call you an Uber or Lyft or Citi Bike or something?

Uh, are we telling Eva about this?

The pickles?

I'm taking them, and your shirt.

See you later.

Bye.

Love you?

The key to any great date is to have your go-to date outfit.

We always go through three different outfits.

There's the first one,

which is the one we feel most confident in.

And there's the second outfit,

which probably involves some sort of recent overpriced

thrift shop purchase from some place in Brooklyn.

And then there's the third outfit,

which is just the first outfit again.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me. She loves me not.

Oh, hey! Oh, my God.

We're both gonna cross that street.

This is gonna be awkward.

I'm just gonna keep walking towards her.

Does she wanna come this way?

No. Hey, how are you?

Okay. Don't flip your posture.

Stand up straight.

I love her. She loves me.

Hey.

How you doing?

Just never get engaged to a guy that has a mustache,

majored in women's studies,

and played lacrosse at Middlebury.

So yeah, if you know anyone

that's looking for a wedding venue in Jersey,

please let me know.

-They don't give refunds? -Who knew?

Wedding venues are non-refundable.

You know, the best views of New York come from New Jersey.

Assuming this date goes well, we text after.

It's Thanksgiving. You meet my family.

Then...

I think let's just see how the date goes.

How's dating life been for you since then?

Um, like, there's one guy,

but he's basically just someone that I sleep with

sometimes and hope to God

that he finds someone to love properly.

It's like a freelance relationship.

More than an ethically, morally ambiguous sex thing.

It's good.

We kinda met in a crazy way.

We had period sex.

Sex on your period.

- I don't think - I love this person,

but I do think I love Eva Shapiro.

So why should I spend time with someone who I don't love?

And it's a crime scene.

What is she even talking about?

Blood everywhere.

It's like Law & Order: SVU meets Tarantino movie.

I called him Kill Bill.

Okay. Maybe I need to be with someone who I don't love

to realize that I don't love them so that

I can be with someone who I realize that I do love,

like Eva Shapiro.

But I was mortified.

At least in the moment I was.

So I offered to Venmo him and pay for the cleaning.

- What if this is just - God testing me,

like Jacob and the whale,

or like Jacob and the harp?

No, Jacob and the ladder.

Yeah.

Falling off the metaphorical ladder

to win Eva Shapiro's heart.

Few hours go by.

I open my Venmo.

The romance is--

Dating is just falling off the ladder.

Oh, my God.

Are you religious?

No.

You?

I mean, I believe in a God, but I'm just an atheist.

I've been waltzing around the idea

of having my Bar Mitzvah at the age of 31.

So will you have to get circumcised again?

I can't imagine they'd have to re-circumcise me,

but you never know.

It's only 29 bucks?

That's not bad.

No, it's 92 bucks.

You wanna splitzies?

Man, dating in this city is tough.

Tell me about it, bucko.

Me?

I gave up on falling in love a long time ago.

No one wants to love a rat.

I said it, I said it, and I'll say it again.

No one wants to love a rat.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

But it's true.

Look at me.

Smell me.

I'm unlovable.

I love you.

You don't love me.

You don't even know me.

You shouldn't do that, you know?

Love bombing someone you don't know.

Have a nice life.

Rats.

Why is it that dating in New York City

is just absolutely the worst?

Falling in love is the absolutely

the worst thing that could happen.

Yuck. Falling in love?

Yeah. Yeah.

Not us.

You know, I met this guy.

Oh, he was so handsome and he's so sweet.

Near my age, too.

And I was expecting him to call, but he didn't!

Uh, but, uh, hey, he didn't call, so screw him.

This is my fuck list.

I got Greg, who's got dementia,

Sean, who's too big, and Mike, too small.

Sounds like you have a very active love life.

You wanna try a condom?

-Love ya. -Okay. Love ya, too.

You hit that too low!

She didn't say yes when you asked ready.

She didn't say yes.

All right, focus up.

Laser to her. Laser right--

Look her in the eyes.

No, please.

What?

That's three points!

Well, good game.

- Yeah. - All right.

- All right. Good game. - Good game.

- Good game. Good game. - I'm not upset that you won.

- Yeah. - Good game.

So Eva, where'd you go to school?

Northwestern.

Oh! You know Lindsay Albertson?

That school is huge, you big idiot.

But she you might know Lindsey Albertson.

You could pass her in the hallway.

- I do. - Yeah?

She was the girl

who accidentally became a marine biologist.

- Yes! - Mm.

She got in for the film major, but then when she showed up,

they got her down for all these marine biology classes.

She took 'em, she fell in love.

Mm-hmm. She's a little--

-Cuckoo. -Oh, she cuckoo?

Mm-hmm. - It's the fish.

Yeah. It's all the mercury.

No more tuna tonight!

I won't eat the tuna.

-Oh. -Oh, poor Lindsey.

You kill me. You both kill me.

I'll see you guys Friday.

-What's on Friday? -Uh, Leo's Shabbat dinner thing.

Um, I'm having Shabbat dinner.

The one I told you about.

The big Shabbat dinner that I told you about.

The one that's Friday at sundown.

Am I cooking?

I'm cooking. I don't even know.

What the fuck am I gonna cook now?

It's Thursday afternoon!

If dinner's Friday night, what am I gonna cook?

I have no time to prep!

I can't even-- Lasagna?

That's out.

Hey, babe.

We are so excited.

You're so great, you guys.

Oh, I had so much fun with you.

-Goodbye. -Bye.

Can't wait for Friday.

See you Friday.

It's a date.

It was supposed to be a date.

The OTPHJ under the dinner table

while your family's playing Scrabble?

It was under the crescent moon,

by the lake, to the whoo of a loon.

Under the moon, with a knife, in the alley.

What the fuck is clue?

I can't have you fall in love

and getting your heart broken, brother.

I love you too much.

Nice.

Your hands are soft as hell after pickleball.

Look, look, look, look, look.

I just--

Selfishly, I can't have you going through

another one of your death spirals.

Spirals of depression.

So you think I lean in fully to this and pursue her

as more than just my Torah tutor?

Yeah.

She could teach you the Torah.

You could teach her downward dog!

- I don't know. I fucking-- - Is that--

I-- I have no idea what the fuck--

- So I teach her yoga? - Yeah.

Parshat Vayetze, chapter 28, verse 10 through 12.

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Vayetze Ya'akov ♪

♪ Mibe'er sheva ♪

♪ Vayelech charanah ♪

♪ Vayifga' bamakom, ♪

♪ Vayalen sham ki ba hashemesh ♪

♪ Vayikach me'avnei hamakom ♪

♪ Vayasem merashotav ♪

♪ Vayishkab bamakom hahu ♪

♪ Vayachalom ♪

♪ Vehineh sullam mutzav artzah ♪

Yeah! The key to getting anything done in life

is to simply have a crush on someone.

Mom, yes, I own silverware.

You might even get a whole new set of silverware.

Stainless steel.

Hey Mom, what does broil mean?

Get some new bed sheets, buy a plant.

You know, might even learn a whole new religion.

Do I need, uh, more than one kiddush cup?

You know, I think if we all just had a crush,

there'd be world peace.

Are plates supposed to be kosher?

Throw pillow has been thrown.

Toss blanket has been tossed.

A little bit of spritz to smell like Shabbat.

All right. Oh, just a second!

♪ Just a second ♪

Okay.

I'm just finishing up in the broil.

Hold on.

Just doing some last-minute cooking arrangement.

Just a second.

Oh, it smells so good in here.

Just a sec.

Okay, look.

I don't know who it's gotta be.

Jacob, Abraham, Lincoln,

may tonight be the night that Eva Shapiro and I maybe kiss.

You are 6'2" on the inside.

-Hi. -Mezuzah.

Shabbat shalom, Eva Shapiro.

Shabbat shalom.

Welcome to my apartment.

Wow, this is so nice.

Yeah. How are you?

Oh, I'm good. Am I early?

Uh, yes.

Um, Luca and Maria will be here shortly.

I haven't checked their timing

'cause my phone is off because it's after sundown.

My phone is off 'cause it's after sundown.

You're really taking this seriously.

-Yeah. -Kiddush cup.

Yeah, of course.

And that was actually my

great-great-grandmother's kiddush cup.

And, oh, candle. Sorry.

Um, how was your day?

Oh, it sucked.

I had a really bad audition.

Just-- I shouldn't be going out for Nala from The Lion King.

Why? 'Cause you're too tall?

'Cause I'm white.

Oh. Well, I mean, I have to imagine you're probably,

hopefully going out for some other shows

that are a little more suited to your special talents.

I am.

I'm actually doing a staged reading right now,

but I know that once they're done

with the next draft,

they're definitely gonna replace me

with the investor's kid, so...

-Can I get you a glass of wine? -Please. Yes.

Um, I'm sorry that you're gonna get replaced.

That's super not cool.

Yeah. I mean, it's a cool show.

It's called, uh, Frankenstein's Mother.

It's a musical about the little-known woman

behind the well-known monster.

My grandmother's glass of wine.

-Cute. -It's, uh, vintage.

Yeah.

Well, I think you'd make an amazing mother

or an amazing monster.

Hmm, thank you.

You see the bar?

Yeah, I'm looking at it.

What's this thing?

Um, that is a spyglass.

Ah, the bread's ready!

Nicely baked.

Whoa, you really went all out for this!

Of course.

I mean, look, I know that you really care about

this kinda stuff and as a student of the Torah...

It's very, very sweet of you.

I wanted to make sure this was a special night.

-Eh? -Let's do it.

It's a Chateau Rogue.

Ooh.

Maybe, uh, rouge?

I actually took a wines class in college.

-Really? -Yeah.

Don't remember anything.

I was drunk the whole time, so...

Well, to college and our lack of memories.

Mm-hmm, and being drunk.

Mm.

-Wanna tour? -Let's do it.

Cool. Kitchen.

-Wow. -Sorry, living room.

-Yes. -Kitchen, and fridge.

Nice.

-Cute magnets. -Standard fridge.

-Nice. -This is--

-You're the cleanest-- -Where the Hebrew happens.

Cute.

Clean.

I, uh, kinda have a throw pillow...

enthusiast thing going. I...

Kinda just the grownup thing for me to do.

Is that the movie that you did?

Christmas in New York,

the first and unfortunately not the last Christmas movie

that I've directed.

Never thought Leo Kadner from Jew camp

would be directing Christmas movies.

I never thought Leo Kadner from Jew camp

would have Eva Shapiro on his bed.

Hmm.

It's gonna take a lot more than that to get Eva Shapiro

in your bed.

- Hey, how are you? - Oh, my God, how are you?

- Good to see you. - Hello.

- Good to see you. Welcome. - Shalom Shabbat!

Shabbat it up!

Please, sit. Yeah, so I don't have any chair.

-Like-- -Okay.

Everything here is sort of old antique, uh...

Your plates have stickers on them.

My grandma's stickers.

You look like Raya folk.

You were on Raya, you matched.

You didn't message, you went on Instagram,

slid into the DMs, bada bing, bada boom.

- Whoa. - No offense.

Everybody gets one.

You can bada, but you can't bing.

-Can you boom? -Relax.

We got set up.

Mm. Very old-fashioned.

I like that.

How did you guys reconnect?

Tinder.

Bris.

Mazel tov!

- Thank you. - And we went to camp together.

Oh, you did it at camp?

Luca.

Oh, what was Leo like at camp?

Freak. Crazy.

Basketball star though.

He's good at basketball.

And Eva?

What was Eva Shapiro like at camp?

I mean, she's Eva Shapiro, she had two first names.

She was like the coolest girl in the world.

Everyone wanted to be her friend, and she, you know,

maybe had a lot of people that had a little crush on her,

and I don't mean to--

- No. - I don't mean to--

You know, I'm gonna tell you guys

a little secret right now

and this stays at Shabbat dinner,

but maybe I had a brief,

very tiny little brief crush

on the eighth wonder of the world

that was Eva Shapiro.

Mm.

But it was quick! It was super quick.

Yes, the Eva Shapiro bug they called it.

You know, you get sick.

Quick in and out.

You're allowed to have sex, right?

Luca.

What?

We're-- we're bonding, we're talking.

I have sex all the time.

Nice!

Too often.

It's actually a problem.

Why would you need to know that?

I don't know.

I'm just a tutor, but also rabbis can have sex.

Anyone can have sex.

Oh, priests cannot.

They actually complain about it--

-They do. -A good chunk.

A lot of them do.

I bet we could get some statistics in here.

We all come from the same stuff.

The first five books of the Bible

are actually the Torah,

so, you know, we're like the Godfather I, Godfather II.

And we don't mention Godfather III.

-Leo? -Question over here.

Um, if there is such thing as a God,

then how come Holocaust?

Oh, wow.

You want me to explain the whole Holocaust?

Okay.

Guy doesn't get into art school.

He gets upset.

Who?

I think the part that confuses me

is that if you're supposed to have free will

and you have certain obligations to like a certain God who's

expecting you act and perform in a certain way

to be in that God's good graces, then how is there free?

Well, there could also just be no God.

At all.

I think it's nice to have a little faith

in something exterior, if you will.

Something that's beyond our control.

Am I right?

Like, he's there, she's there,

they're there, but they're not touching us.

You know what I'm saying?

The whole thing about God

is maybe it's all not so black and white.

Oh! I almost forgot.

It's a tradition to have a Shabbat dinner

to bless he candles and to bless the bread.

And so, I have prepared a few words.

Baruch ata Adonai,

Eloheinu Melech ha-olam,

asher idshanu b'mitzva--

B'mitzvotov.

B'mitzvotav

vitzivanu l'hadlik ner shel.

Mm.

Shabbat.

Amen.

Amen.

You locked down a venue yet?

I'm not locking down a venue.

You need to get on that.

Venues book up, like, years in advance.

The Hebrew stuff is still really hard.

And I just got sent the script

for Christmas at the Rockefeller,

which is a lovely story about two random strangers

that have their first kiss under the tree at Rockefeller Center.

So, we'll help you pay for it if that's the issue.

I don't wanna be indebted to him.

Why don't you like him?

I do like him.

You never have.

I've never said I didn't like him.

The worst thing you can say

about someone is that they're a nice guy.

I think he's a nice guy.

Thanks, man.

I think you're a nice guy, too.

You overcommit.

That's your thing. You don't finish things.

I think you're mistaking my ambition

with my follow-through.

And I think you're mistaking my follow-through

-with my ambition. -Look, dude, I don't care.

Mom and dad will both owe me dinners.

What?

Eva Shapiro not doing it for you?

Eva Shapiro and I,

well, I just don't think she likes me very much.

What would make you say that?

Well, for one thing, she never texts me first, all right?

She never watches my stories,

and she just accepted my follow request.

Oh, you mean you don't think she has a crush on you?

Yeah.

All signs would point to the fact that,

no, she does not have a crush on me.

She's your tutor.

She's your friend.

Come on.

You think Eva Shapiro and I are friends?

You have an absolutely delulu perception of the past.

My delusional perception of the past is my reality.

I don't mean to interject,

but I think you need to find out if she likes you

the way you like her.

Greg, she doesn't.

She-- she spend--

they're spending a lot of time together.

Because that's her job.

She's tall, he's short.

Climb her like a tree.

-Absolutely not. -Why?

There are 13-year-olds in the room with him

while they're tutoring.

Then go on a date.

Oh, my God.

And what is sexy about that?

The baby is in the room with us when we sleep.

Okay.

That concerns me, that you find that sexy.

I note-- I don't find it sexy.

I notice it.

I notice the baby there.

I block it out.

Oh, is our kid a fucking inconvenience to you, Greg?

Oh, great, the baby's-- the baby's yelling.

The kid is not a convenience, so I don't know how to put it,

but yeah, and changing a diaper isn't, like, convenient for me.

Oh, how many diapers do you change, Greg?

I'd love to-- I'd love for you to tell Leo how many diapers

you actually change yourself.

-I'm on dish duty. -Okay.

I do dish duty, you do diaper duty.

Okay. Baby's crying.

Here we go.

I think he wants his uncle.

-Stop. -Okay. Uncle time?

- Uncle time, okay? - Okay. Uncle time.

- There we go. - Is this thing--

Mom and Dad need a little break.

-Okay. -Is this thing on?

Is this how this works?

I wish you would take ass duty once in a while.

- I take ass-- - Oh, Jesus Christ!

♪ Baruch atah, Adonai ♪

♪ Eloheinu, Melech haolam ♪

Go for it.

Go for it.

Yeah, look at her.

-Go for it. -Uh, sure he likes it.

She's sexually ambiguous.

You have a child now.

-Yeah. -This is what happens.

This is why I'm telling your brother to go for it.

Come on in.

Bienvenidos la casa del Eva Shapiro.

Oh, my God, this place is amazing.

It's like a little antique

museum vintage store kind of situation.

Ew.

Yeah, I like antique stuff.

How'd you find it?

It's rent-controlled, actually.

Crazy story.

This guy,

he's lived here since the '60s with his partner, right?

So healthy, perfectly healthy.

One day, drops dead.

Nobody knows why.

There's a bottle of pills on the floor.

Was he murdered?

Maybe, maybe not.

Anyway, couple years later, his granddaughter comes by.

She claims the rent-controlled apartment.

Cops look into it.

He never had a granddaughter.

Did you kill somebody for this apartment?

Mm.

Damn. This is so good.

Mm, God.

I can pay for half of this, by the way.

Oh, no, no.

Eva Shapiro, it is an honor

to be able to buy you dinner

from one of our old favorite places, Ollie's.

You got it from Ollie's?

They don't make restaurants like Ollie's anymore.

I thought Ollie's was romantic.

Oh, my God.

They have rats.

Crazy how nostalgia to one person

can be such a beautiful thing,

but such a disturbing one to another.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, no, I think I'm fine.

Uh, I'm sorry about the whole

"God isn't real" thing from the Shabbat dinner,

by the way.

Oh, that's fine.

You know, you gotta ask the big questions

to get the big answers.

Which reminds me, we should get back to your gemilut chassadim,

acts of loving kindness.

What have you done, morally and religiously,

that is compassionate to others?

I held a baby.

Okay.

What else?

I have this, like, situationship who I sometimes see.

She's, like, kind of a girlfriend,

but not really a girlfriend.

I'm single. I'm available.

But we're kind of a together thing sometimes.

Cheers to that.

Cheers.

It's a 2016 Chardonnay.

Let's get to your Hebrew work.

Oh, yeah.

Um, let me go grab it.

Just a sec.

Um...

Come on, let's do it.

Okay.

-Okay. -Let's do this.

I've been having trouble, um, being able to read the Hebrew.

Mm.

They all look the same to me.

Right, right, right, right.

Uh, let's, uh, go over it then.

So, why don't you just try saying this line for me?

"Jacob left Beersheba and headed to Haran."

Can you say it in Hebrew?

♪ Vayetze Ya'akov, mib'er sheva ♪

Okay, so less country music vibes if possible.

So how is that said?

♪ Vayetze Ya'akov, mib'er sheva ♪

♪ Vayelech charanah ♪

♪ Vayetze Ya'akov, mib'er sheva ♪

Great.

Let's do that again.

♪ Vayetze Ya'akov, mib'er sheva ♪

Okay, now let's do the last part.

So we can read it in the phonetic part,

and then we'll do it in Hebrew.

♪ Vayetze Ya'akov, mib'er sheva... ♪

Okay, close.

You're gonna have to memorize all of this because day up,

you're gonna be raw dogging it with the Hebrew and the Torah.

You have to learn this, this, this, this, all of this.

The Torah does not have English words.

Repeat after me.

The Torah does not have English words.

The Torah is actually a really awesome book.

You should read it.

On my list,

right after The Sopranos.

Oh, well, that's the Bible.

What a nightmare.

Oh, my God.

I swear to God that it's the last time

that I opt to take clients to The Box.

Oh, hey, Zo.

Hey.

Sorry, I didn't realize that you had, like, a--

A client. Yeah, this is Leo Kadner.

Yeah.

Um, hi, Leo.

Uh, oh, my God, I've heard all about you.

31.

The-- the-- the-- the-- uh,

31-year-old having a Bar Mitzvah.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, this smells like rubbing alcohol.

-Yeah. -That's crazy.

I know. It's not that.

-It was weird. -It-- it's a 2016.

-Oh. -Rogue.

-Rogue? -Kosher Rogue.

-Oh. -Yeah.

-We've never heard of it. -I never heard of it.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah.

She took a wines class in college.

She's a little bit of a snob about it.

I was a somm for a couple years, but it's no big deal.

That's awesome.

It's nice to meet a fellow snob.

I said "somm".

Uh, I feel like we got everything done

-that we gotta get done. -Oh, sure.

Yeah, done.

-Yeah. -Um, okay, cool, yeah.

Um, just packing up here, and, uh,

if you guys wanna keep that red, it's all yours.

Oh, you can just leave it and we'll throw it away.

All right.

So should we, like,

make plans for next week or something like that?

I think I know my schedule.

Just off the top of my head.

Text me when you get home safe and do your homework.

What's my homework?

Confront thy past.

Well, update.

We can cross Eva Shapiro off the potential list

because she is engaged and she is also gay.

How could it have possibly taken you so long to figure that out?

I thought maybe she was bi, or queer, or just some--

somewhat curious what it would have been like.

Oh, please don't tell me you

thought you were gonna have her fall in love with you.

No, I never did.

Um, I guess I should also tell you that I--

I did sleep with her sister.

How biblical.

Yeah, but I-- I gotta end things

because I don't wanna lead the sister on too much because

I'm trying to fall in love, and when you're trying to

fall in love, you can't lead people on.

Wait, wait.

Is the sister nice?

Yeah, she's nice, but, you know...

You know?

I-- I don't know.

She's just...

Meh. I don't know.

Sounds like you don't know.

She's not my type.

Well, who is your type?

I'm looking for love, Grammy.

You're looking for someone who sees the world

the same way you do, and great sex.

- Grammy. - No.

You know what to do.

It never would have worked out between us anyways.

You're a literal prince from Bakersville.

And me?

I just make cookie cakes.

Here.

I want you to have this.

Your toothbrush?

No.

Your toothbrush.

You're making me brush.

I'll see you around, Prince of Bakersville.

By the way, Merry Christmas.

Okay, that is a cut.

We are cutting please.

Wardrobe, I'm gonna need more turtlenecks.

Look, this isn't how it can end.

They need to end up together.

The audience has been rooting for them.

He has a princess, not some peasant baker at home.

This is a happy ending.

It's not.

We've been with them the entire movie.

They're meant to be together.

The audience will never forgive us.

There may not be an audience.

Uh, here. Have a Red Bull.

That girl looks at you the same way I look at Ryan,

so she likes you for sure.

Ryan's not real.

You've never looked at him, and she doesn't like him.

She obviously has a crush on him.

They like each other.

-They do not like each other! -They like each other so much!

I'm telling you that he likes her.

He likes her.

-She does not like him! -No, they like each other.

-She does not like him. -Then have something.

They should get married!

I was living in Harlem

and long distance was just too much for me.

I was so overwhelmed.

And, oh, where was--

Where was he?

Brooklyn.

Oh.

We're podcasting.

Yeah, have you ever tried dating someone that's, like,

two subway stops away?

You want me to search for a Citi Bike?

You want me to bike through the city

like I'm in an Italian neo-realist movie?

Like The Bicycle Thief?

Want me to ride around "I'm Guillermo!

I have a little picnic basket in the back.

I'm on my way to the dock to wait for a boat

because I need to see my boyfriend!"

There's no dick that's good enough for four modes

of transportation.

So we broke up.

I, too, find myself falling in love with people

who are out of reach.

We have a romantic.

Red flag.

Red flag alert.

You know, I'm not so much a romantic

as much as I tend to just romanticize things.

People like you, Leo, you are waltzing through life.

I'm concerned for you, and so are my followers.

What do you do?

Uh, I m-- I make Christmas movies, like those

silly Christmas movies you watch over the holidays.

I'm currently working on a movie called

Christmas Kiss 2: More Kisses.

My God.

My family is going to love you.

Literally obsessed.

We love Christmas movies.

We don't celebrate Christmas, but we watch them every year.

They're so bad!

Just 'cause something's cheesy doesn't mean it's not necessary.

It's ironic though to be Jewish and to make Christmas movies.

Are you Jewish?

Am I Jewish?

Am I Jewish?

No, I'm not Jewish.

Do I seem Jewish?

To, like, the outside eye, like, when you first met me?

Am I giving Jew-- do I give Jew-ish?

No. I mean, yes and--

I believe in God.

But, um, I'm an atheist.

Sammy Sluts, you remember, you use the code SAMMYDATES

and you will get 10% off

on your first website at Squarespace.com.

♪ Sammy dates! ♪

So I just had my first instance of anti-Semitism.

Oh, baby's first time.

What, they throw a brick through the window?

Or ransacked your store?

Uh, created a hate group on Facebook?

I was on a date and I was telling her

how I was gonna have a Bar Mitzvah at the age of 31,

so I say to her, "Oh, are you also Jewish?"

And she looks at me and she goes, "Oh, God, no."

What the fuck?

-Bitch! -Yeah.

Tch, tch, tch.

Well, she's not for you.

Yeah.

Bagels on the house then.

This is sweet, Jaya.

I can't take this.

Ah, it's a day old.

Thank you. You know, I'm--

I am technically keto, but I imagine this is--

I can take a day off.

You're welcome.

All right, get out of here.

Well, this is a cultural stereotype that you're,

you know, imposing upon me, but, um...

We gotta keep shopping at Zabar's.

Okay.

I heard a rumor from a guy on the street,

they're replacing it with a Whole Foods.

- Oh, my God. - The end of the Upper West Side.

No, no, no.

Hey, have you seen our passports?

I've been looking. Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, what's up?

How was your day?

I'm just struggling for my art.

Oh, my poor struggling artist.

You know what?

How would you feel about struggling for your art,

but in Italy?

I would feel something, for sure.

Yeah, you would feel good?

Because I booked us tickets and we are going.

We are?

Yes, we're gonna live our Under the Tuscan Sun dreams.

It's gonna be incredible.

- Oh, my God. - When are we going?

Christmas weekend.

Pack your bags.

Um, I feel like we don't have enough money

to go to Italy right now.

Yeah, I mean, I have enough money to go there.

Could we potentially switch it to the New Year?

-I just... -No, Eva.

Ev, I booked with Chase Sapphire points.

It'll be impossible to rebook.

Also, I can't find a single thing in this apartment,

and yet this cracked iPod Touch from 2006.

Uh, listen, I have three Bar Mitzvahs.

Henry Häagen-Dazs is taking the SATs.

His parents are gonna literally melt if I'm not there.

Okay, I mean, yeah, you-- you know they're kids, right?

They have, like, little potatoes for brains, you know?

They're gonna get drunk off Pepsi, and grind to Dua Lipa,

and they won't even remember your name.

Okay, you don't have to belittle my career.

I'm not belittling your career.

I-- I've literally been working nonstop all year

jacking off jack-offs from Goldman Sachs

and I booked a trip for us to relax.

And honestly, you're being kind of resistant.

I'm not-- I'm not being resistant.

I move into your apartment with all of your things,

of which there are so many, because I love you.

I love you and your apartment was $8,000 a month,

and it got no sunlight.

Yeah. Sorry, my bad for wanting to do something for us.

Hey, you already brought Italy into our apartment.

-Espresso machine! -I could only bring

this espresso machine into our apartment.

Have you seen this place?

You know what?

You're stressed, and you're projecting, and--

I'm not stressed!

Sean was right.

Sean? Who's Sean?

My new shrink.

You know, he said that eventually our

income difference would cause conflict,

and he was right.

If you made more money,

you wouldn't need two jobs and we'd be in Italy.

So have you picked a theme for your Bar Mitzvah?

-Mm-hmm. -What is it?

Gymnastics.

Oh, boy.

Well, let's hope no one gets hurt.

And-- and what about you?

Sculpting.

Sculpting.

Will you do a sculpture of my head one day?

Yeah, I'll make a sculpture of your head.

Good.

Make my nose look smaller.

Ow!

You have a gray hair.

Eva Shapiro, what the hell?

I'm helping you. You have a couple gray hairs.

What's stressing me out is Mark and Susan.

It's just, ugh, divorce parents, same room, they hate each other.

Ah.

But your parents are getting along so well

for a divorced couple.

They're, like, in love with each other as friends.

You know, that's why I never wanna get married,

because you get married, you love somebody,

you ultimately are no longer married 'cause every

marriage ultimately ends, and then you have to be stuck

in the same room with each other.

He had that birthday and he w-- he-- he-- he--

It had to be at Rockefeller Center.

This is always about the spectacle for him.

Oh, yes.

That was because Ryan Sokoloff

had his birthday at Chelsea Piers, remember?

There's actually a 50% chance of marriage ending in divorce,

so there's a 50% chance of having happiness

for the rest of your life.

Anyways, I'm glad she got him to do this.

-Hmm. -Mom would've really loved this.

Yeah, she would.

I, uh, wanted to thank you

for being able to move the Italy trip.

I know that must not have been easy.

Because I don't really have anyone else

that was gonna come, so that's nice.

It was actually really expensive to move it,

but I'm gonna be here all the days before, so...

And your parents are gonna be there,

and they're gonna be getting along and stuff.

Oh, you-- you weren't able to move the trip?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Hmm.

I'd, uh--

Oh.

So you will be in Italy for the Bar Mitzvah.

Ooh, stop.

Stop, stop.

Oh, great.

♪ Oseh shalom bim-romav ♪

Wooh, yeah!

♪ Hu ya'aseh shalom aleinu ♪

♪ V'al kol Yisrael ♪

Wooh!

♪ V'imru ♪

Come on, everybody.

♪ V'imru, amen ♪

Yes, yes!

♪ Oseh shalom bim-romav ♪

Ai!

♪ Hu ya'aseh shalom aleinu ♪

♪ V'al kol Yisrael ♪

♪ V'imru ♪

Come on, everybody, yeah!

♪ V'imru, amen ♪

Here comes the chorus.

♪ Ya'aseh shalom ♪

Hey!

Yeah!

♪ Ya'aseh shalom ♪

Hey!

♪ Shalom aleinu ♪

♪ V'al kol Yisrael ♪

-Leo, let's go! -Everyone!

♪ Ya'aseh shalom ♪

♪ Ya'aseh shalom ♪

Come on, everybody!

Um, I do kinda feel weird about you not being there, honestly.

If we're gonna be real about it,

I do wish you'd be there for me on my big day.

I was there for many months teaching you,

and your grandma is gonna be there.

It's not the same.

Come on, Leo.

It's-- is it really that big of a deal that I'm not there?

I'm 30 years old having a Bar Mitzvah,

trying to live out some insane fantasy in my head.

What am I doing?

Hey, relax.

Where is this coming from?

I still can't read Hebrew.

No shit.

I've been memorizing and faking it the entire time.

Same with every 12-year-old.

And I feel no more Jewish

than when we started this whole thing.

Being Jewish is not about feeling Jewish.

I haven't invited a soul, all right?

I've told no one.

Because you don't have friends!

You don't have friends because you have a bad personality.

I've been meaning to tell you.

It's really not working for you.

Oh, here we go.

I'm a fraud.

No, you're not.

Just 'cause you lied to your friends

about getting an over-the-pants hand job.

Eva Shapiro...

I'm not doing this whole Bar Mitzvah thing because

I feel guilty about my grandma

or trying to get more in touch with my Jewish past.

I am doing this because--

I really like you.

I, like, like-like you.

Ah. Love you.

I love you.

You like-like me?

Oh, like a camp crush kind of thing?

Like a "Dear Mommy and Daddy,

there's this freakishly tall girl,

but she's got something about her.

I don't know what it is."

Mm, mm, mm, Leo.

Whoa.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

That was crazy.

Leo...

everything in your head about camp is just--

I'm sorry. I did not mean to do that.

Let's rewind t-- t-- 20 seconds.

I met a girl at camp.

She's so tall.

It's kinda weird.

Maybe an 8 out of 10 on a good day.

Whoa. I'm so sorry.

Whoa. Eva Shapiro, I am so sorry.

I don't know what that was.

Rewind 30 seconds.

I did not mean to do that.

I'm sorry.

No.

Why? Come on, man.

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, too.

No.

I, um...

Let's just--

I'm gonna go.

-I'm gonna go. -No.

I didn't mean to do that.

I did not mean to do that!

Will I see you again?

Am I gonna see you again?

Eva Shapiro, I'm sorry!

Hi.

I'm Eva Shapiro.

I am 6'1½",

and I am currently unrepresented.

♪ After you get what you want, you don't want it ♪

♪ If I gave you the moon ♪

♪ You'd grow tired of it soon ♪

♪ You're like a baby ♪

♪ You want what you want when you want it ♪

♪ But then as soon as you're presented ♪

♪ With what you want, you're discontented ♪

♪ You're always wishing and wanting for something ♪

♪ But when you get what you want ♪

♪ You don't want what you get ♪

♪ And though I sit upon your knee ♪

♪ You'll grow tired of me ♪

♪ 'Cause after you get what you want ♪

♪ You don't want what you wanted at all ♪

Thank you.

-L'chaim. -L'chaim.

L'chaim.

Look, I know I shouldn't have kissed her.

It was the wrong thing to do,

but I didn't know what else to do.

Nostalgia is the most painful feeling.

We yearn for the moments we remember

when we were young because we were young.

I love nostalgia.

I greet nostalgia like a stranger

in need of a seat on a subway.

The older they are, the quicker I am to get up.

If you don't have your Bar Mitzvah,

you're never gonna be a man.

Something like that.

You've done so much work already.

Are you really gonna let all that go to waste?

Leo likes to break promises.

Like my dad.

He promised me and my brother a trip to Disney World,

but then him and Cynthia took a trip to Italy.

We all know a Cynthia.

I thought Gen Z was supposed to be empathetic.

We're Gen Alpha.

Are you still gonna have your party?

I thought we were all going to invite each other,

and I would get to meet your old school friends,

and get to go to your party,

even though I can't really

'cause that's the day of Ryan's party.

He's an imaginary person!

He can't have a party!

Hey! Believe women!

I love you guys both.

You're my friends for life, okay?

Hey, you're paying, right?

-Sure. -All right.

And can I have, uh, a warm sundae brownie?

Oh, my God. I want one of those, too.

I'm gonna throw up.

It's happening. It's gonna happen on you.

Throw up on her!

She and her imaginary boyfriend!

Oh!

- No. - No, not me!

Please! Please!

No! Please!

Why did you ask me here?

Because I thought that drinks

would send off the wrong message.

Leo.

Maybe I missed ya.

Why did you invite me to The Museum of Jewish Heritage--

A Living Memorial to the Holocaust?

Because I didn't know who else to ask

and I didn't wanna come alone.

Oh, I didn't know that this was so important to you.

I didn't either.

Are you having fun?

I mean, it's devastating and i-- intense,

but I'm learning a lot and it's very powerful.

I mean, with like what you and I are doing.

Oh, you mean like, uh, going to museums and sleeping together?

It's-- it is convenient for now.

I need to ask you a question

as part of my Bar Mitzvah project.

Did you at any point

ever...

love me?

No.

Did-- did you-- do you still love--

No.

Mm....

Maybe after all this, um, we can s-- stop seeing each other.

I thought you'd never ask.

I'm not gonna have the Bar Mitzvah.

Okay.

A good attempt.

And Eva Shapiro and I are no longer friends.

Okay.

You can never just be friends.

I-- I'm not gonna worry about finding my partner.

Ow.

Why are you so stupid?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't think I'm capable of falling in love,

and I'm really scared,

and I'm okay I'll be alone forever,

and it'll be okay.

You are so worried about falling in love.

You don't see the love all around you.

I mean, you can do or not do whatever you want,

but there is no harm in trying.

I can try.

I'm so proud of you for trying.

Finally, I'll have your approval.

You have always, always had my approval.

I'll do it for you.

Do it for you.

I'll do it for me.

♪ Vaye'ehav Ya'akov et-Rachel ♪

♪ Vaye'ehav Ya'akov et-Rachel ♪

♪ Vayomer Lavan tov titi otah lach mihiti ♪

♪ Mititi ♪

♪ Mititi ♪

♪ Otah le'ish acher shvah imahahadi ♪

♪ La le'ish acher ♪

Acher.

♪ Lah ♪

Acher.

Acher.

♪ Le'ish acher ♪

Shvah.

♪ Shvah imahadi ♪

♪ Imadi ♪

Perfect.

Thank you.

♪ Vaya'avod Ya'akov be Rachel sheva shanim ♪

♪ Vayihyu ♪

Shanim, shanim.

♪ Shanim ♪

♪ Vayihyu ♪

♪ Adonai, no-tein ha-to-ra ♪

Shabbat shalom.

Good morning.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you for being here with me on my very special day.

One of the most important aspects of becoming

a Bar Mitzvah is that I am now responsible

for performing mitzvot.

Rabbi Zeldon assigned me Parshat Vayetze,

where Jacob and Rachel have a meet-cute by a well.

He falls in love at first sight,

but thanks to their dad's dirty trick

to try to get their older daughter married first,

Jacob wakes up with Leah instead of Rachel.

Relatable much?

Sister swap?

For my Bar Mitzvah project,

I worked with my tutor, Eva Shapiro,

on how to have my own meet-cute at a well,

and try to find my perfect match.

So, you forgive me?

I'll never forgive you.

Let's figure out your candles.

It can be lonely and isolating,

and your mind creates a mirage oasis of connection,

only to get ghosted or fizzled upon.

You know, it's funny. I was raised Jew-ish,

and I had seen Rugrats Passover,

but I never had my own Bar Mitzvah.

I blamed it on my dyslexia,

and then I blamed it on my parents divorcing

when I was 13 years old.

But it wasn't until running into an old camp crush--

Eva Shapiro and Leo Miss Each Other playlist.

I told you.

Who happens to also be a Torah tutor in New York City,

that I realized how important having my Bar Mitzvah was to me,

to my family,

and to my friends.

This is for you, Grammy.

I learned that there is more to life

than over-the-pants hand job.

And while I might not be in love right now,

I...

no longer need to romanticize relationships,

because I've learned that the ones I have around me

are the only ones that really matter.

Welcome to Leo's Bar Mitzvah!

Naughty.

What? Mom, do you know?

Oh.

I say "bar", you say "mitzvah".

-Bar! -Mitzvah!

Bar! Mitzvah!

No Italy?

No Italy.

You two broke up?

Yeah. She, like, abandoned me in the line

'cause they don't have TSA pre.

Like, so fricked up, dude.

Our flight was moved to the morning,

and we wanted to be here, so...

Leo, this is amazing!

Look in there.

I think I counted, like, 31 people?

31 including you, Eva.

You just called me Eva.

I did.

No Shapiro.

Wow.

You see me as a real person.

It's like I see you as a friend.

To think, this all started at my nephew's bris.

This started under the moon, by the lake.

My hand over the pants.

Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't.

Maybe it happened.

Oh, Leo, what an amazing shoot.

I really think that we have a hit on our hands.

I guess we did capture some of that Christmas magic.

Hey, are you Jewish?

I am Jewish.

'Cause, you know, the studio wants to make

a Hanukkah movie next year.

Oh.

I think I could come up with an idea or two.

♪ Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel ♪

♪ I made it out of clay ♪

♪ And when it's dry and ready, hey, a dreidel I will play ♪