Original subtitles

I am here at the White House

I am here at the White House

I am here at the White House Correspondents Dinner, an annual

Correspondents Dinner, an annual

Correspondents Dinner, an annual gathering of the press that celebrates,

gathering of the press that celebrates,

gathering of the press that celebrates, or in tonight's case, fondly remembers

or in tonight's case, fondly remembers

or in tonight's case, fondly remembers free speech. On this night, members of

free speech. On this night, members of

free speech. On this night, members of the press sit down for a lavish dinner

the press sit down for a lavish dinner

the press sit down for a lavish dinner served by some of their former

served by some of their former

served by some of their former colleagues. So many of the biggest names

colleagues. So many of the biggest names

colleagues. So many of the biggest names in DC are here. Such as redacted and

in DC are here. Such as redacted and

in DC are here. Such as redacted and redacted.

redacted.

redacted. CNN, this is a big night. How about Wolf

CNN, this is a big night. How about Wolf

CNN, this is a big night. How about Wolf Blitzer? Is he going to be here?

Blitzer? Is he going to be here?

Blitzer? Is he going to be here? >> I'm assuming he's going to be here. Cuz

>> I'm assuming he's going to be here. Cuz

>> I'm assuming he's going to be here. Cuz I want to catch him before the bosses

I want to catch him before the bosses

I want to catch him before the bosses replace him with Jake Paul, you know.

replace him with Jake Paul, you know.

replace him with Jake Paul, you know. Really try cuz that's where we're going

Really try cuz that's where we're going

Really try cuz that's where we're going tonight. Listen, where are all the

tonight. Listen, where are all the

tonight. Listen, where are all the stars? That's what I want to know. Do

stars? That's what I want to know. Do

stars? That's what I want to know. Do you see any of your stars? I'm the I'm

you see any of your stars? I'm the I'm

you see any of your stars? I'm the I'm THE BIGGEST STAR HERE. IT'S PATHETIC.

THE BIGGEST STAR HERE. IT'S PATHETIC.

THE BIGGEST STAR HERE. IT'S PATHETIC. THIS thing needs a red carpet like the

THIS thing needs a red carpet like the

THIS thing needs a red carpet like the Olive Garden needs a velvet rope.

Olive Garden needs a velvet rope.

Olive Garden needs a velvet rope. Fox News guy.

Fox News guy.

Fox News guy. Come on, you're not above this.

Come on, you're not above this.

Come on, you're not above this. The Sun, WE GOT THE SUN. PETER DOOCY,

The Sun, WE GOT THE SUN. PETER DOOCY,

The Sun, WE GOT THE SUN. PETER DOOCY, THIS IS A CATCH. What a night. No

THIS IS A CATCH. What a night. No

THIS IS A CATCH. What a night. No comedians. We don't need comedians, we

comedians. We don't need comedians, we

comedians. We don't need comedians, we have a mentalist. And do you think

have a mentalist. And do you think

have a mentalist. And do you think Trump's going to tell some jokes like

Trump's going to tell some jokes like

Trump's going to tell some jokes like how he won the Iran war and how gas

how he won the Iran war and how gas

how he won the Iran war and how gas prices are going down? Pretty good

prices are going down? Pretty good

prices are going down? Pretty good stuff. It's Peter's dad. Peter, let's

stuff. It's Peter's dad. Peter, let's

stuff. It's Peter's dad. Peter, let's go.

go.

go. >> Peter, no, Peter.

>> Peter, no, Peter.

>> Peter, no, Peter. Peter,

Peter,

Peter, if the mentalist asked Trump to pick a

if the mentalist asked Trump to pick a

if the mentalist asked Trump to pick a number, it'll probably be under 18,

number, it'll probably be under 18,

number, it'll probably be under 18, would you agree?

would you agree?

would you agree? Thank you. Thank you. It's a politically

Thank you. Thank you. It's a politically

Thank you. Thank you. It's a politically motivated [applause] lie.

motivated [applause] lie.

motivated [applause] lie. You guys at Fox News know what I'm

You guys at Fox News know what I'm

You guys at Fox News know what I'm talking about. Okay, now he really has

talking about. Okay, now he really has

talking about. Okay, now he really has to go.

to go.

to go. It's great to see all you Republican

It's great to see all you Republican

It's great to see all you Republican guys out here praising Trump. Normally,

guys out here praising Trump. Normally,

guys out here praising Trump. Normally, I'm the only one out here licking

I'm the only one out here licking

I'm the only one out here licking someone's nuts.

someone's nuts.

someone's nuts. After all.

After all.

After all. OH MY GOODNESS, I LOVE DOGS. Let me ask

OH MY GOODNESS, I LOVE DOGS. Let me ask

OH MY GOODNESS, I LOVE DOGS. Let me ask you about the mentalist. Are you worried

you about the mentalist. Are you worried

you about the mentalist. Are you worried that if he pulls a rabbit out of his

that if he pulls a rabbit out of his

that if he pulls a rabbit out of his hat, will RFK Jr. try to eat it?

hat, will RFK Jr. try to eat it?

hat, will RFK Jr. try to eat it? Oh my god, it's Jeanine Pirro. This

Oh my god, it's Jeanine Pirro. This

Oh my god, it's Jeanine Pirro. This lineup is crazy. It's like black tie

lineup is crazy. It's like black tie

lineup is crazy. It's like black tie January 6th.

January 6th.

January 6th. She'll never talk to me, but I have a

She'll never talk to me, but I have a

She'll never talk to me, but I have a secret weapon.

secret weapon.

secret weapon. Check it out. JEANINE! JEANINE!

THE HEAD OF THE DHS, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THE HEAD OF THE DHS, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THE HEAD OF THE DHS, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I'm a little resentful of you guys. I

I'm a little resentful of you guys. I

I'm a little resentful of you guys. I was stepping a Mexican hairless and she

was stepping a Mexican hairless and she

was stepping a Mexican hairless and she was picked up by ICE.

was picked up by ICE.

was picked up by ICE. I don't know if that's funny or not.

I don't know if that's funny or not.

I don't know if that's funny or not. Over in the back there is either Bret

Over in the back there is either Bret

Over in the back there is either Bret Baier or someone tried to draw American

Baier or someone tried to draw American

Baier or someone tried to draw American Dad from memory.

Dad from memory.

Dad from memory. Do you think Trump will eventually

Do you think Trump will eventually

Do you think Trump will eventually [laughter] be tried for war crimes? Not

[laughter] be tried for war crimes? Not

[laughter] be tried for war crimes? Not for Iran, but for what he's done to the

for Iran, but for what he's done to the

for Iran, but for what he's done to the Oval Office toilet.

Oval Office toilet.

Oval Office toilet. Have you met Kash Patel? I have. I have.

Have you met Kash Patel? I have. I have.

Have you met Kash Patel? I have. I have. You know, I hear he's a good guy. You

You know, I hear he's a good guy. You

You know, I hear he's a good guy. You know, he loves sports. Great guy. Are

know, he loves sports. Great guy. Are

know, he loves sports. Great guy. Are you worried that if he doesn't win his

you worried that if he doesn't win his

you worried that if he doesn't win his $250 million lawsuit against The

$250 million lawsuit against The

$250 million lawsuit against The Atlantic, that he won't be able to cover

Atlantic, that he won't be able to cover

Atlantic, that he won't be able to cover his tab at the Poodle Room?

his tab at the Poodle Room?

his tab at the Poodle Room? His tab at the what room? The Poodle

His tab at the what room? The Poodle

His tab at the what room? The Poodle Room. If I think people need to stop

Room. If I think people need to stop

Room. If I think people need to stop complaining about Kash Patel drinking so

complaining about Kash Patel drinking so

complaining about Kash Patel drinking so much. If you know a BETTER WAY TO COME

much. If you know a BETTER WAY TO COME

much. If you know a BETTER WAY TO COME DOWN from how much cocaine he's doing,

DOWN from how much cocaine he's doing,

DOWN from how much cocaine he's doing, I'd like to hear it. I don't know if

I'd like to hear it. I don't know if

I'd like to hear it. I don't know if Kash Patel is the is the is a cocaine

Kash Patel is the is the is a cocaine

Kash Patel is the is the is a cocaine party guy.

party guy.

party guy. >> Of course not. You know, and a lot of

>> Of course not. You know, and a lot of

>> Of course not. You know, and a lot of great people are here. You can tell that

great people are here. You can tell that

great people are here. You can tell that some of the most powerful people in

some of the most powerful people in

some of the most powerful people in Washington are here tonight because all

Washington are here tonight because all

Washington are here tonight because all the escort services have switched to

the escort services have switched to

the escort services have switched to surge pricing.

surge pricing.

surge pricing. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Oh my god, it's so exciting. ALL THE BIG

>> Oh my god, it's so exciting. ALL THE BIG

>> Oh my god, it's so exciting. ALL THE BIG NAMES are here from the cabinet AND AND

NAMES are here from the cabinet AND AND

NAMES are here from the cabinet AND AND CAROLINE LEVITT IS HERE.

CAROLINE LEVITT IS HERE.

CAROLINE LEVITT IS HERE. >> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH. >> I MEAN, PHYSICALLY. HER SOUL LEFT HER

>> I MEAN, PHYSICALLY. HER SOUL LEFT HER

>> I MEAN, PHYSICALLY. HER SOUL LEFT HER BODY ABOUT A year ago. We're very pro

BODY ABOUT A year ago. We're very pro

BODY ABOUT A year ago. We're very pro Caroline Levitt here.

Caroline Levitt here.

Caroline Levitt here. Where is Stephen Miller anyway? I heard

Where is Stephen Miller anyway? I heard

Where is Stephen Miller anyway? I heard he's stuck in a glue trap. Caroline.

he's stuck in a glue trap. Caroline.

he's stuck in a glue trap. Caroline. Caroline, are you feeling secure? Women

Caroline, are you feeling secure? Women

Caroline, are you feeling secure? Women in this administration are dropping

in this administration are dropping

in this administration are dropping faster than inbred French bulldogs.

faster than inbred French bulldogs.

faster than inbred French bulldogs. Look at her. Seriously, I haven't seen

Look at her. Seriously, I haven't seen

Look at her. Seriously, I haven't seen anyone so full of since that time I

anyone so full of since that time I

anyone so full of since that time I watched a Chihuahua eat a king-size

watched a Chihuahua eat a king-size

watched a Chihuahua eat a king-size Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. So Pete Hegseth's right over there.

So Pete Hegseth's right over there.

So Pete Hegseth's right over there. >> I see him. Yeah, can you give him his

>> I see him. Yeah, can you give him his

>> I see him. Yeah, can you give him his drink tickets?

drink tickets?

drink tickets? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> He He asked me to pick them up for him.

>> He He asked me to pick them up for him.

>> He He asked me to pick them up for him. Hey Pete!

Hey Pete!

Hey Pete! Pete!

Pete!

Pete! WHERE ARE WE PRE-GAMING?

WHERE ARE WE PRE-GAMING?

WHERE ARE WE PRE-GAMING? AND POST-GAMING.

AND POST-GAMING.

AND POST-GAMING. AND MID-GAME GAMING.

AND MID-GAME GAMING.

AND MID-GAME GAMING. SHERROD, what's special about this night

SHERROD, what's special about this night

SHERROD, what's special about this night other than it's the only celebrity party

other than it's the only celebrity party

other than it's the only celebrity party you're invited to anymore?

you're invited to anymore?

you're invited to anymore? Bobby, please, Bobby. Can I see my

Bobby, please, Bobby. Can I see my

Bobby, please, Bobby. Can I see my brother one last time? He's in your

brother one last time? He's in your

brother one last time? He's in your freezer. What brings you to the White

freezer. What brings you to the White

freezer. What brings you to the White House Correspondents Dinner? Are you

House Correspondents Dinner? Are you

House Correspondents Dinner? Are you kidding? This is a wonderful night.

kidding? This is a wonderful night.

kidding? This is a wonderful night. We're honoring the First Amendment with

We're honoring the First Amendment with

We're honoring the First Amendment with Donald Trump. It's kind of like having

Donald Trump. It's kind of like having

Donald Trump. It's kind of like having Kanye come for Passover. So what rotting

Kanye come for Passover. So what rotting

Kanye come for Passover. So what rotting husk of a once great industry are you

husk of a once great industry are you

husk of a once great industry are you with? Oh, USA Today.

with? Oh, USA Today.

with? Oh, USA Today. Okay, good. And tell me this,

Okay, good. And tell me this,

Okay, good. And tell me this, what's the plan after this is over? The

what's the plan after this is over? The

what's the plan after this is over? The bar. No, no, I don't I'm I'm not talking

bar. No, no, I don't I'm I'm not talking

bar. No, no, I don't I'm I'm not talking about tonight. I'm talking about after

about tonight. I'm talking about after

about tonight. I'm talking about after the news industry is over.

the news industry is over.

the news industry is over. Marco.

Marco.

Marco. Come on, you can do this.

Come on, you can do this.

Come on, you can do this. What's the matter, Mr. Secretary? You're

What's the matter, Mr. Secretary? You're

What's the matter, Mr. Secretary? You're afraid of a little dog.

afraid of a little dog.

afraid of a little dog. I'm down on my luck, Marco. Please, just

I'm down on my luck, Marco. Please, just

I'm down on my luck, Marco. Please, just one question. Just tell me which country

one question. Just tell me which country

one question. Just tell me which country you're attacking next. I'm trying to win

you're attacking next. I'm trying to win

you're attacking next. I'm trying to win some money on Polymarket. I'm trying to

some money on Polymarket. I'm trying to

some money on Polymarket. I'm trying to win SOME MONEY ON POLYMARKET, MAN.

win SOME MONEY ON POLYMARKET, MAN.

win SOME MONEY ON POLYMARKET, MAN. Just give me a wink if it's Kazakhstan.

Just give me a wink if it's Kazakhstan.

Just give me a wink if it's Kazakhstan. It's illegal for dogs to gamble.

It's illegal for dogs to gamble.

It's illegal for dogs to gamble. >> [cheering]