All language subtitles for The Virginian S08E15 - You Can Lead a Horse To Water

Yes, sir.

Teeth are mighty
important to me.

Well, it'd sure be uncomfortable
if you didn't have any.

I don't mean just teeth.

I mean good teeth.

You know, I first got
interested in good teeth...

when I got in the
horse-buying business.

And I discovered that
a horse with good teeth...

is a lot easier to get
along with than one without.

And I began wondering...

if the same held true
for people.

And I made a real
interesting discovery.

Sure it holds true. A man with a toothache
can't be expected to be good company.

Right!

But that ain't
what I discovered.

I discovered that
it holds true for men,

but it sure don't
hold true for women.

You take...

this widow lady
that's trying to jail me.

Got the prettiest set of
teeth you ever wanna see.

But it would be easier...

to get along
with a grizzly bear.

Um... Well, you mean, uh...

Why does she want
to put you in jail?

Um, she...

She wants to marry me.

In jail?

Well, she wants one
or the other.

Me married, me in jail...
I don't see no difference.

Well, there's no law
that puts a man in

prison because he
doesn't want to get married.

- Is there?
- No!

Look, she claims
that I stole her horses.

Now, I had, uh,
10 head of hers...

that I was gonna sell for her.

I had a real nice deal
going too.

But the dang things was stole
before I could close it.

Well, she says
that I owe her the money.

Well, naturally, under the
circumstances, I don't have it,

and she says, "In that case,

you can marry me."

Well, I says,
"That don't seem right to me.

Well, it ain't my fault
that the horses were stoled."

She said, "Maybe not, but
no one's gonna believe that."

You know, the sheriff
is a real good friend of hers.

So I say...

I'll think it over and give
her my answer in the morning.

Well, I get on my horse.

I bid her
a courteous adieu and...

I hightail it out of town.

It's downright depressing.

I liked that town.

- Maybe she's bluffin'.
- Mmm.

Widow women don't bluff.

Hello, Trampas.
Hmm? Oh. Hi, Mark.

Howdy. Haven't seen
you around for a while.

What's new in Medicine Bow
that I should know about?

Things have been pretty quiet around
here, except on Saturday nights, of course.

I do good business on
Saturday nights. Yeah.

I understand you're heading
for Clearwater, hmm?

Just as soon
as I finish this beer.

You do me a favor
and take the stage.

Why would I wanna do that? Take me
twice as long and twice as uncomfortable.

Well, I got a prisoner
I gotta get to Clearwater.

My deputy's down sick.

I need a man I can rely on
to do the job for me.

Well, I'm no deputy.

Well, I can fix that.
You take a deep breath.

What? There you are.

Hey, Mark, no! No, Mark.
Aw, go ahead, young fella.

It's no skin off your hide, and
you'll be doing the law a favor.

You never know when you'll
want that favor returned.

I mean, uh, if-if that sheriff had
been my friend instead of hers...

You see what I mean?

Oh. Well, all right, Mark. I'll
be happy to take your prisoner.

Where is he? Good boy.

- Well, he's right here.
- What?

I'm sorry, Luther,
but there's a Widow Krebs...

says you stole
some horses from her.

Oh, no!

How'd she find me?

I tell you,
that woman is a witch!

Well, she used
the telegraph some.

- Hey, what's your name?
- Luther Watson.

Luther Wat... You're the man
I'm supposed to see in Clearwater.

I'm supposed to buy those
horses. My name's Trampas.

Them is the horses
that got stole.

So now you ain't goin'
to Clearwater,

and sheriff can just
put me in jail right here.

I've seen this jail.
It ain't bad at all.

I'm sorry, Luther. It's no
good. It's the wrong county.

And don't you try and
get out of doin' your duty,

'cause you're gonna be my
deputy till I say you're not.

Now drink your beer. That stage
is gonna leave in a few minutes.

Hey, Mark. What's that?

That's just so your friend
here doesn't influence you.

Ah, the sheriff in Clearwater's
got the key for 'em.

Uh... Hey, Mark.

Uh, good mornin', ma'am.
I'm Will Baxter, coach driver.

And I'm Miss Mary Charles Marshall.
Happy to make your acquaintance.

And I do hope you'll take better care of
my luggage than these railroad persons.

I do declare. When I boarded the train,
they just threw it in the baggage car.

Oh!

So this is the big shipment of
silver we heard was comin' through.

Now, who'd ever thought of
puttin' it in a lady's trunk?

Now, I trust you'll
take proper care of it.

Oh, I aim to.

And you mustn't
handle it roughly.

And there shouldn't be anything on
top of it. Now, what time are we leavin'?

I'm most anxious to get to
Clearwater. Put that trunk up on top!

Oh. What are you trying to do?

Trying to get this badge off.
It makes me uncomfortable.

Oh, well, let me help.

It makes me a mite
uncomfortable too.

Oh.

Ow!

Well.

I have a feeling this is
gonna be a very long trip.

Oh, ca-careful,
Mr. Baxter, please!

That trunk, Mr. Baxter,
is carrying my family treasure,

which my mother...
God rest her soul...

Saved from the maraudin'
Yankee soldiers.

When my Aunt Harriet...
She was my father's sister...

Came in her poor little buggy
with the news that they were comin',

my mother grabbed up all the
silver and buried it in the backyard.

Ma'am... You know, the
poor lady was so rushed,

that later, when my father came
home, she couldn't remember where,

and it took him two
years of digging to find it!

Ma'am, where do you come
from? Montgomery, Alabama.

Now tell me, do all
the folks down there...

Do they have as much to
say about nothin' as you do?

Well, Mr. Baxter, Southern ladies are
known for their conversational ability.

What do you mean
"about nothin'"?

People have been fascinated by
that story all the way from Alabama.

How dare you call that nothin'!

If we were down home and my
Daddy heard you talk to me like that...

"A lady is a fragile
and a precious object...

"and should be treated
accordingly," he used to say.

I hope you remember
that. Lady...

When you're talking to a lady,
you do not address her as "Lady."

The proper way is
to use her last name,

preceded by "Miss." In
my case, Miss Marshall.

Miss Marshall, uh...

Ma'am, uh, it would seem
that we're gonna have...

the pleasure of your company
on this trip.

My name is Luther Watson,
and this here is Trampas.

Happy to make your acquaintance.

Oh!

Never! I declare, never did I
think I'd live to see the day...

when a Marshall would be
traveling with a criminal.

Marshals usually do travel with
criminals. That's how they make a living.

I wasn't referring
to government marshals.

I was referring to those individuals
who bear my family's proud name.

Watch your step.

Oh, Miss Marshall, you'd be
more comfortable riding forward.

Mr. Trampas,
I've been facing forward...

all the way
from Montgomery, Alabama,

and coping with painful
cinders the whole journey.

I will never face forward again.

Ma'am, won't you please
stay settin' down?

I aim to get to Clearwater
sometime this year!

This is gonna be a long trip.

Oh.

Come on.

I certainly hope this
proves to be a pleasanter

form of travel than
the train I just left.

I'll have you know, one time I was
nearly thrown clear across the aisle.

- Hyah!
- Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

When I was a little girl, my daddy
had a little play buggy made for me.

And he bought a pony.
He took me everywhere.

Then one day, they
weren't there anymore.

I would have cried, except my
Aunt Harriet explained to me...

gentlefolks didn't cry
in public.

- I hadn't known that before.
- Miss Marshall, um...

Ma'am.

Did anyone ever tell you
you've got pretty teeth?

Yeah, just like the
Widow Krebs. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my Aunt Harriet
would love to hear that.

She always told me my teeth
were one of my best features.

Or she may have said my best.

Anyhow, she always instructed me
to take proper care of them, so I did.

You know that discovery
you made? Mm-hmm.

You may become known as the
scientific wizard of this territory.

Yeah.

My mother was a quiet lady.

- She didn't talk much.
- Didn't get much of a chance.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, nothing, ma'am.
I didn't say anything.

Oh. I thought you did.

Whoa! What on earth
are we stopping here for?

I don't know.

My stars, it's the middle of
nowhere. What on earth are you...

Now, unless you want something
bad to happen to the lady, mister,

you'll take that gun out of your holster
real easy-like and drop it out the window.

Any man who would
threaten a lady...

Shut up, lady!

All right. Now everybody out.

I will do no such thing. Out!

Miss Marshall, unless you want to get
us all killed, you'll do as the man says.

Now get out.

All right. Money and
valuables in here.

Oh. Ah.

Don't forget the watch.

- Shoot him! Shoot him!
- Who, me?

Oh, I knew I was dealing with
amateurs, but this is ridiculous.

- Wait. Did you want me to shoot him?
- Just forget it.

See if you can
unhitch the team. Hey!

Which one of these is hers? Th-That
one right there, right in front of you.

Yeah, that's it. Oh. Ow.

Now, don't...

Don't you dare treat my luggage
like that! Did you see what he did?

All right, lady. Your ring.

I have no intention
of partin' with this ring.

This ring has been in
my family for generations,

and I do not intend for it to fall into
the hands of highwaymen and thieves.

Lady, give me that ring,
or I'll take it.

Miss Mar...

Miss Marshall, uh,
give him the ring.

There's no point in your
ending up with nine fingers.

You don't mean he'd
actually... cut off my finger?

That's exactly what he means.

Now that. No!

Oh! Oh!

No! Now, now...

How dare you do that?
You get that back.

You... You leave my things alone.

Where's the silver?

What do you mean
"Where is the silver?"

What I mean is what I said.
Where is the silver?

You have just strewn it
on the ground,

and if there's a single dent
in a single piece...

Baxter, you blockhead!

You hear some empty talk, and you
convince us she's carrying the U.S. mint!

Come on! Let's get out of here.

Come on.

- Wait for me!
- You know where to find us.

Mr. Baxter,

it is very clear that you have never
done a dishonest thing in your life before.

I would certainly like to understand
what drives a man to a life of crime.

So you would be interested to
understand... Well, I'll tell you, ma'am.

It's people like you.
That's what!

Always a-talkin' at me...
"Don't damage my trunk!"

"Can't you go faster?" "That
ain't no way to talk to a lady!"

"Can't you drive slower?"
That's what done it! Talk, talk, talk!

Obviously, the man is not
cut out for this job.

He has no patience.

It is a pleasant thing
to have something...

that smacks of gentility in
this vast cultural wasteland.

You back up from there, lady.

Back up from there!

It might smack of that...
that whatever you said it was,

but it sure don't look to me
like it smacks of anything much.

Ha! You must've come
from a mighty poor family.

Don't you say anything
against my family!

Hey!

You wouldn't do anything
foolish, would ya?

Hey, murder is a sight
worse than robbery...

should the law catch up with ya.

Yeah? Well, the law ain't a-gonna catch
up with me. Don't you try that again, hear?

Well, it doesn't matter.

I didn't get a look at those
other two, but I'll never forget you.

That's right. Don't make no
difference where you go. We'll track ya.

Back off from me. Go on!

You'll never have a good
night's sleep again. That's right.

'Cause we're comin' after
you, and we'll find you.

Where I'm going,
ain't no one gonna find me.

The law ain't gonna find me.
My wife ain't. My in-laws ain't.

Even my kids ain't
gonna know where I am!

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Did it give you pleasure
to make me fall in the dirt?

I was kickin' at Baxter, and
your umbrella got in the way.

And you gave him my purse!
Do you know what was in it?

$2,000! That's what was in
it. And you gave it to them.

We all have respect for the dollar, but
we should have more respect for our lives.

They had guns, and we didn't.

Of course you didn't!
You gave that up too.

Why didn't you just shoot
him when you had a chance?

I didn't have a chance!

If I went for my gun,
he would have shot you or me.

Then he'd have to shoot
the other two who saw him do it.

Oh. I'm sorry about your money.

That's all right. I understand.

Oh! We'll just have to
go after them and get it back.

"We"? Maybe you can
outrun a horse. I can't.

Miss Marshall, there ain't no way in
the livin' world that we can go after 'em.

The only thing that we can do is try to
make it to Clearwater and get the sheriff.

But they didn't go
toward Clearwater.

By the time we go there and get the
sheriff back here, the trail will be cold.

So to pursue them ourselves
is the only logical solution.

Logical?

Miss Marshall, look at us. We're
bound together like Siamese twins.

Why, we couldn't lick
a tabby cat in a fair fight,

and you want us to go after
three men who've got guns...

when you've already pointed
out that I haven't got a gun.

If we have any luck at all,
another stage'll come by...

and take us into Clearwater.

If not... we're gonna
have six pretty sore feet.

Stop right where you are!

My granddaddy's pistol.

I kept it
for sentimental reasons.

I had no idea
I'd ever have to use it.

However, rest assured I will.

Now, we will go
in that direction...

and get my money back.

Oh.

You ever been on
a wilder goose chase?

I just wish it were
geese we were chasing.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

- Need some help?
- Thank you. I'll manage.

You're in what's undoubtedly
a prairie dog hole.

Prairie dog? What's that?

I have no idea what dogs
are like back East, but, uh,

out here a prairie dog
is likely to be dangerous.

I hear them. I hear them.

Help. Help!

You are a devious man, Trampas,

and that is all right with me.

Oh!

Here.

Oh!

Need some help walking?

I'm fine. Perfectly fine.

Okay.

Hey. Hey! Ooph!

Ow!

Hey, Trampas! What...

Oh! I feel like I just been
throwed by an unbroke bronc.

Wouldn't you know
she'd find it comical?

Just wait'll she tries it.

She's makin' it
slick as you please.

My hat. Oh.

Shall we go?

My hat.

Well, I'll say one thing
for her... she has got guts.

Guts she's got.
Sense she's lacking.

Help me get my... Huh? Oh.

Oh. Oh. I guess we can't, huh?

Don't move. Just... Just shoot.

- I don't know how!
- Wha...

Why, we've walked
dang near 50 miles...

'cause a lady's got a gun on
us, and she can't even shoot!

Well, shoot! Shoot. Shoot.

Sh-Shoot. I never have!

Well, Miss Marshall, if you don't shoot
now, you'll never have the time to learn.

Now pull the hammer back
and shoot.

Whew!

The likes of that gun haven't been
seen since the cannons at Gettysburg.

Are you hurt?

It really must be true!
I do take after my father.

It's deader than a doornail.

At that range, you're lucky
you didn't shoot your foot off.

You mean I... You mean I
could actually have shot my foot?

Right now, you've got the
gun aimed at your big toe.

Ah. Oh.

Are you sure that
you ain't hurt?

I'm perfectly all right.

I beg your pardon, Miss
Marshall, but you're not all right.

You won't be able to hobble tomorrow
if you don't give that ankle some rest.

And as we're out of any
other form of transportation,

unless you wanna sit here and be
the voice crying in the wilderness,

you'd better be able to walk.

We don't have time.
We'll make time.

Now, you go sit over there on
that log and take your boot off...

while I try and rustle up
some food with this... cannon.

Well, go on!

Whoa...

Do I have to go with you?

I don't see how I'm gonna
get rid of you. Well, hold it.

How good a shot are you?

Reasonable. Mm-hmm. I
ain't sure that's good enough.

I... But do you think that
you can shoot that off?

You have a head on you,
Luther Watson. Mm-hmm.

Whoo!

Look at that!

I don't mind the smoke.
We're free.

That was fine.

We'll tie the horses up in here.

Then what'll happen
to 'em? Nothin'.

Plenty of water and graze.

We can drift back in a day
or two and, uh, cut 'em loose.

You can step down and open
that bag. We'll divvy up right here.

That's not the plan. We told
Baxter we'd meet him near my place.

Well, then, Grimes, that's
where he'll be waiting.

If you want to divide your half
with him, why, you go right ahead.

Hold on. You ain't the man that
got me into this. I owe Baxter for that.

You want to see any of this
loot, you'd better come with me.

Miss Marshall.

It ain't that, uh,
I aim to pry none,

but, uh, it seems
a mite peculiar...

A lady like you, uh,

wanderin' around these parts
unaccompanied.

I imagine it does.

Well, have you got
a family out West maybe?

I came out to be married.

I think.

Well, don't be nervous about it.

I know some of them mail-order
hitchin's that turn out real good.

Mail order?

What in the world gave you
a notion like that?

Mr. Watson, I don't know
where you got that impression,

but I can assure you
I'm not that desperate.

Well, I-I-I didn't,
uh, mean that I...

What I meant to say was, uh...

Well, that is, uh, common
enough in these parts.

Well, "common"
is indeed the word.

Dear me! Mr. Watson,

a lady raised in the South is required to
know not only the man she intends to marry,

but his relatives as well...

and have a passing
acquaintanceship with his ancestors.

Really? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I know
what you mean. Yeah.

It's the same with horses.

Now, if you know
who the stud was, uh...

You know how to skin
a rabbit? Yes, I can.

Uh, who you gonna marry,
Miss Marshall?

Mr. Tom Kendrick is the man
I intend to marry.

He is a gentleman
from sole to crown.

Why, he can trace
his ancestors clear back...

What's he doin' out
in these parts?

One of the qualities of
a gentlemen is his courage.

He came out here five
years ago to make his fortune.

Did he?

Did he what? I just
finished telling you he did.

Did he make his fortune?

To the best
of my knowledge, he did.

I feel sort of sorry for him.

I have never been so insulted!

You! M-Mr. Trampas!

You are just plain...

You are just... tacky!

What? No, Miss Marshall,
all I meant was...

that, uh, well, he'll be worried
if you don't show up on time.

Oh.

Then I apologize
for my outburst.

But you need have
no concern about that,

'cause I didn't tell him
the exact time of my arrival.

Oh. Well, that's good.

'Cause I know a gentleman
would be worried...

if he knew you were wandering around
the wilderness with two strange men...

whose ancestors range from, uh,

blacksmiths to horse thieves.

Well, you know that, uh,

there's bounty hunters.

Well, I had me a friend...

that was a ghost hunter.

There's this one town that had
this particular bad reputation,

so he went up
to save it, you know?

To spend the night.

Well, there he is,

you know, laying
flat on his back...

in bed in this
ramshackle old hotel,

and the wind was a-howlin'...

and the shutters was a-banging.

And all of a sudden...

It all quiets down.

And risin' up...

from the foot of his bed,

a ghostly hand comes a-creepin'.

Well, he snatched up his pistol,

took careful aim,
and he fired four times!

- You know... bang, bang, bang!
- Bang.

That's right!

And now...

he walks around
with his right foot...

considerable shorter
than his left!

Oh, Mr. Watson!

You're a marvelous storyteller!

- Thank you.
- You can sure talk up a storm.

I can only think of one person
that can do you one better.

Now, if you could just walk
as well as you can talk.

Young fella, u-until today...

I never walked any further than
from the door of the saloon to the bar.

I think I done right well.

Mr. Watson, I think we
would both rest easier...

if we paid no attention to our
reluctant traveling companion.

That's right.

Pay attention or not,
we don't get some sleep,

tomorrow's gonna be
a long, hard day.

Oh. Well.

There's wisdom in that.

Oh, uh... Yeah, so...

Why don't we just
curl up together?

You mean all together?

Well, Miss Marshall, uh,
if you see a hotel around,

I'd be delighted
to check you in.

Mr. Trampas, you're
being tacky again.

But ladies and gentlemen just
simply do not spend the night together...

curled up around a bonfire.

Well, ladies and gentlemen don't go
chasing after robbers together either.

Oh.

Well, I will rest over there,

but I assure you I
will not sleep a wink.

Ooh! Oh, Miss Marshall.

That ankle is bad. You
better soak it in the stream.

That's right. I've seen that
work with horses dozens of times.

Mr. Watson, I'm not a horse!

And as for you, Mr. Trampas,

if you think for a fleeting second
that I'm gonna leave the protection...

of this kind, old gentleman,

you've got another think comin'.

You know...

I never thought of myself as
being old until right this minute.

You think she was
fearin' or hopin'?

Hmm. Well.

Fool woman. She'll freeze to
death that far away from the fire.

Mmm.

Oh! Now hold it! Take it easy!

How dare you!
Sneaking up on me like that.

I knew I shouldn't have
permitted myself to sleep.

I must have dozed off, and the
first thing I know, you take that opp...

What is this? It's my jacket.

How did I get it?
I gave it to you.

It's a cold night, and you're
a long way from the fire.

Well, I do declare.

This is the second time
I've had to apologize to you.

Now, I do most humbly.
I'm very sorry, but I thought...

I know what you thought,
Miss Marshall.

I wish you'd get it
through your head...

that all the gentlemen in this
world don't come from... Alabama.

Oh.

It is a cold night,
even beside the fire.

I think it would be best
if we shared the jacket.

Goodness gracious.

Does this happen often?

Not often enough.

Mr. Trampas.

Taking advantage
of a helpless, sleepless...

Well, if you ask me...

We're both gonna be sleepless.

That happens about every six
seconds. Well, that'll never do.

Miss Marshall?

I must admit, you have one or
two things to recommend you.

Hey! What was that?

Hey, do you hear that?

- That was you.
- Me?

You were snorin'.

I had to put your hat over
your face so we could sleep.

"We"?

Are you sure that's the
reason you covered my eyes?

Mr. Watson!

That's a terrible way
to wake somebody up, Luther.

Well, you was havin'
more fun than me.

Oh!

Now that we're all awake,
I guess we'd better get movin'.

Thank you, Mr. Trampas, for
the loan of one-half your coat.

Oh! What happened?
What happened?

Uh... Luther.

I think it would appear that...

I'm unable to walk.

Well, uh, look.

Look, uh, let's have
a look at that.

Well, that's better.

Uh... Well, no wonder you
can't walk on it! Oh! Oh!

It's swole up twice its size.

If you hadn't got so high
and mighty last night...

when we told you to soak it...

I... I must plead guilty to
a streak of stubbornness...

I inherited from my
father's side of the family.

My Aunt Harriet used
to say Daddy and I

were like two peas...
Miss... Miss Marshall.

Why don't you continue this
story down by the stream...

while your foot's a-soakin'?

That's just what I'll
do, if you'll excuse me.

Here. I'll carry
you. No, no. No.

That would be an imposition.

I can go alone. M...

Oh. Ooh!

A mule.

Pure mule.

She's done it again.

I thought you were just
gonna soak your ankle.

I can't swim!

Oh.

Okay.

Miss Mar...

Miss Marshall, please take
your arms... around my neck...

Or you're gonna drown me.

If I do that, I'll drown me!

There's no... There's no
reason for both of us to drown.

We... Just...

Miss Mar...

Miss Marshall.

Why, look.

Uh, well, the tracks
split up here.

Uh, the ones with the stage
horses may be aimin' for Clearwater,

but the loner ain't.

That would be Mr. Baxter.

What, do you read sign?

It's a perfectly
logical deduction.

If the stagecoach driver
showed up in Clearwater,

there'd be a lot of downright
embarrassing questions for him to answer.

Well, it is, uh...
It-It's him all right.

Now, he was ridin'
the off horse...

of the lead pair.

Oh. You know,

I noticed, when he rode off
in that robbery,

that-that horse had kind of a,
well, funny way of goin'.

But he ain't goin' far.

Looks to me like he's lame.

He's lame.

What are you doing? What are
you going in this direction for?

There's one of him
and three of us.

But he hasn't got
my money. They have.

If we were so lucky as to get one of
them with this antiquated piece of metal,

the others would get all three of us
before I'd get a chance to aim it again.

But there isn't any point
in goin' in this direction.

Sure there is. He'll be able
to tell us where the others are.

Mr. Trampas, this is insanity.

Miss Marshall,
the whole thing's insanity.

- One old man, a lame woman...
- Yeah. Lame.

And me. And you got us
on the trail of hot desperadoes.

I refuse to go another
step in this direction.

Let me point out to you that
you're not taking any steps at all.

Just put me right down. I'm perfectly
capable of doing my own walkin'.

We'll go faster this way. Going
faster in the wrong direction's no help.

Well, hold it!

Uh, Miss Marshall, Trampas is
makin' good sense, and you ain't,

so that makes it
two against one.

And when we do catch up
with that criminal,

it'll take all of us workin' together
like a team to capture him.

So that is the last
bickerin' I expect to hear. I...

Uh, continue, Trampas.

That's him. Mm-hmm.

Shoot him! Miss Marshall! Shh!

We are after your dowry money.

You use that gun on that man,

and he won't ever be able to
tell you where it is ever, ever.

You remember the
blowed-up rabbit? Well.

I'll do a little scoutin',

make sure that he's
the right man.

We've been following his trail.

- I'll check his horse. I'd recognize...
- What's the point?

Well, I don't wanna be responsible
for surprising an innocent man...

into a heart attack.

You think you can do it?

I've been sneaking up
on horses for years,

as long as I'm downwind.

- It's his horse all right.
- Shh!

I borrowed this.
I figured it'd come in handy.

We can take him by surprise
before he ever knows what hit him.

- He's sound asleep.
- Mmm.

Oh, Mr. Trampas,
you have a remarkable mind.

All right.
This is what we'll do.

I'll throw myself on
him so he can't move.

Uh-huh.

Luther, you tie him up with those
hobbles. Here. And take this cannon.

Oh. You stay here.

I'll do no such thing.

Just don't get in the way.

What? Shh!

No. Shh, shh, shh.

Right.

Now. Go, Trampas.

Hold on to him. I'm comin'!

Don't let him go! Oh!

I didn't. What?

I don't have him. Well...

Don't move. I got you covered.

Well.

Uh, that's just about the
cleverest ambush I ever see'd.

Hmm.

Don't no one try
nothin' foolish now.

My, oh, my. We certainly
did take him by surprise.

We truly did.

Three of us against one
of him, and we're prisoners.

After all that planning and
strategy, it's downright disgraceful.

Them flowers of Southern
womanhood, they got plenty of thorns.

It is easy to be insultin' when you're
wavin' a gun around, Mr. Baxter.

Don't worry about that gun,
Miss Marshall.

A gunshot carries a long ways, and by this
time, the law's bound to be on our trail.

Well, the law is something
I ain't worried about.

If I were to guess, you haven't been at the
business of robbing stagecoaches very long.

What makes you say that?

If you're waiting here for your
two partners to come and divvy up,

they should have been here
long before now.

You are right, Mr. Trampas! They
were on horses, we were afoot.

I remember something
my dear daddy always said.

He always said, "There is
no honor among thieves."

That's right.

Uh, them two is long gone,

and the trail's gettin'
colder by the minute.

Ah, there ain't a stick
of truth in that.

Besides, I know
where to find 'em.

Now put your hands behind you.

You, you tie them up...
Hands behind 'em.

And no tricks, old man.

I can assure you, sir,

you will pay dearly
for any mistreatment...

to myself or my two
traveling companions.

You just wait till Mr. Tom
Kendrick learns of this.

To say nothin'
of the Widow Krebs.

Haskell! You are the laziest,
sorriest excuse for a lawman...

I've run acrost
in all my years out West.

Miss Krebs,
if you wasn't a woman...

The only saddle sores you've
got for the last 10 years...

are from ridin' that swivel
chair behind the desk!

Now just one minute, madam.

Don't you "madam" me,
you lazy, lowdown loafer!

Those three stage passengers and the
driver been out there missin' for two days,

and what have you done about it?

I'll tell you what I done.

I very carefully
searched the entire area...

and I tracked down
one of the thieves.

Only because he was dead. You
couldn't track a skunk by his smell.

One more word out of you, and I'm
gonna lock you up for disturbin' the peace.

My late husband used to say,

"Too much law is
a dad-ratted nuisance."

Which one of your late husbands?

I can't recall.

It don't matter none. What I'm
sayin' is, too little law is even worse.

Now, I'm gonna form
a citizens' posse,

and should we find that you
been derelict in your duties,

you're gonna be out of a job!

Where you goin'? To the saloon!

It's men like you
that drive women to drink!

Yes, sir, the more
I think of it,

if somethin' accidental-like
was to happen to you three,

I wouldn't have to
light out of here on the run.

I could say we split up,
and I never see'd you again.

The silver. Huh?

Silver. Mr. Trampas.

May I remind you that our captor is
singularly lacking in discernment...

where rare,
old silver's concerned.

So if you're suggesting
we bargain for our lives...

What I'm suggesting is one
of us gettin' in that sack...

and get that knife
and cut these ropes.

Well, I'd do a sight...

I'd do a sight better to rub the
pot, wait for the genie to appear.

- Genie?
- Well...

That knife ain't ever gonna
cut through this rope.

Mr. Watson, if it could cut through that
tough old jackrabbit we shared last night,

it can cut through this hemp.

- It's our only chance.
- All right.

Is he lookin'?

No. Then I'll try.

Come on up here.

It ain't gonna work unless
you two can create a diversion.

Keep his attention away from me.

Well, just what'd
you have in mind?

Well, you can begin by
gettin' closer together...

so's he won't see
what I'm doin'.

That ain't close enough. Closer.

- What are you two up to?
- Huh?

I-I'm beginning to feel
the night chill, Mr. Baxter.

If you were any kind of a
gentleman, you'd spare us a blanket.

I ain't got but one,

and I ain't about to give that
one up, 'cause I'm subject to colds.

Besides, I didn't
invite you all to my camp,

so I ain't responsible
for providin' for your comforts.

Well, you just had better,
Mr. Baxter,

or you might wake up in the
morning and find yourself...

with three frozen corpses
on your hands to explain.

Now, I never thought
of it that way.

If you was to oblige me
like that,

you'd save me all the trouble of
goin' and doin' the violence to ya.

Mr. Baxter, compared to you, a
carpetbagger was a prince among men.

- I've got the knife.
- Then start sawin'.

Keep jawin'.

Say something.

I can't think
of anything to say.

Now you can't think
of something to say?

He's lookin' suspicious again.

Get in there and show her,
Trampas. Show her what?

Well, show her that you
can court just as good...

as any poetry-spoutin'
Southern gentleman.

Mr. Watson, I thought you had
some regard for the proprieties.

Must I remind you I'm engaged to
be married to Mr. Tom Kendrick?

Fred? What?

Come here, Fred.

Did I ever read
you this letter? Yes!

Listen to this part.

"Of course, it broke my heart...

"to sell the old place.

"But when I think of...

what you have worked
so hard to provide me"...

You get that?
I am providing for her.

Well, a man's supposed
to provide for his wife!

Yes, but get the next part.

"If your establishment
isn't quite up...

"to what we are both accustomed,

"I know you will take steps...

to rectify that."

She's plannin'
to work me to death.

"I remain sincerely yours"...

Bottle of brandy, Fred.

Well, now, Miz Krebs,
you know the policy.

No women are allowed to buy
liquor. I ain't here as a woman.

I'm here as the owner of the
"Circle 0, Double J, Bar None" spread,

and you would lose a
lot of business was I to

tell my boys to do
their drinkin' elsewhere.

You see what happens to a man?

Every time she loses a
husband, she gets another spread.

Man spends his whole life
building something up.

Who gets to enjoy it?

His widow. Well?

Well, now, look. Look, I'd lose my
job if I broke the rules, Miss Krebs.

Oh, I'd hate to see
that happen, Fred.

Why don't you just
sell me the bottle?

Hey. Why didn't I think of that?

'Cause you ain't got the brains
God give a jackrabbit. That's why.

I'm obliged to you, Tom.

I like your style.

Were you a mite older
or me a mite younger...

Well, I'm ho-honored, ma'am,
but I've been spoken for.

Well, I hadn't heard that.
Who's the lucky lady?

Y'all mean Miss Mary Charles
Marshall of the Marshalls of Montgomery.

Well, what in the name of the Almighty
are you doin' drinkin' at a time like this?

Well, obviously, you have never
met Miss Mary Charles Marshall...

Fair and fragile flower
of the old South...

who will wilt and whither
in the wicked West.

It's likely I may never
have that pleasure...

because she's on that stage
that was robbed.

Ain't never been
heard from since.

Same goes for my fiancé.

Now, I don't know about you,
but I aim to go lookin' for 'em.

I don't relish bein' a widow
again before I'm a wife.

If you was any kind of a Southern
gentleman, you would ride with me.

Ow! Whose side are you on?

Miss Marshall, if you expect
to be walkin' down the aisle,

you better put on a real
show for Mr. Baxter...

'cause he's lookin' restless.

- Do somethin'.
- Like what?

Well.

Kiss her.

You know, my fingers is numb.
Gotta have time to flex 'em.

Got more cuttin' to do.

I will not.

It's a good cause.

You can stop now.

There.

I'm... finished cuttin'.

I said... Oh. You can stop now.

Trampas? Hey.

Trampas.

I saw a moonstruck calf once
looked just like you.

Hey. He's turned his back.

Now's our chance.
Come on. Let's go!

Oh, goodness!

Will you hit him!

Oh, goodness gracious!

Well, I'll be a teetotal, gosh...

Oh!

Hey, ain't she a jim-dandy?

She packs a real
wallop. So do you.

Oh. Just wish you saw
well enough to aim right.

- Well, uh, there.
- Now, there now.

Uh, little lady. Uh...

Look, don't cry.

Oh, we know that you ain't
one to do a man violence.

You just did what you had to do.

And besides, he ain't dead.

His head's too hard for that.

He dented my teapot!

E-Excuse me.

Oh, uh, would you just all
hold up for a minute?

Oh. My back.

I... I have got to rest my back.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Ooh.

You know, all that walkin'
and fightin' has left me,

well, a wreck of the man
that I was.

Well, you can look at it
this way, Luther.

Would the Widow Krebs
want a wreck of a man?

Well...

In that case,
maybe it's worth it.

Uh, keep an eye on him
while I water the horse. Yes.

Sit down over there.

Well.

Huh. Oh.

Um...

I'm sorry to slow you down...

and delay the grand reunion...

with Mr. Tom Kendrick.

That's all right, Mr. Watson.

I'm not so sure it's gonna
be such a grand reunion...

Not for him anyway.

What makes you say that?

He'll be mighty glad to see you.

No, I'm not so sure
of that either.

I've done an awful thing.

It's been five years since
Tom Kendrick came out here,

and I just up and wrote him
that I was coming.

And I didn't even wait
for an answer.

And that's why
you prattle on so much...

Uh, so you won't dwell on it.

You are very perceptive.

Well, let me tell you this.

There's not a man
in his right mind...

that wouldn't be proud
to have you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I've plumb run out
of patience with you.

Are you gonna tell us where them
fellas went with her dowry money,

or am I gonna have
to rough you up some?

No. Mr. Watson,
it isn't necessary.

I've been thinkin'. The
dowry... that's the past.

It isn't good to be tied
too much to the past.

Well, it's the principle
of the thing.

That money is yours,

no matter what you
wanna do with it.

Maybe the sheriff of
Clearwater will convince him.

I hear he's a pretty rough man.

Well, I'll help you aboard,
Miss Marshall.

My ankle's feeling much better.

I think Luther
should ride for a while.

You know,

that fella, Kendrick...

If he don't do right
by that little lady,

he's gonna have me
to answer for.

Help me, Trampas.

Up you go, Luther. Well. Oh...

Oh, my back! No.

Oh.

I won't need that.

They... They brought
my trunk to Clearwater.

They'll send it right
over to the hotel.

I declare, it will be a joy
indeed to discard this old rag.

What... What on earth's
the matter?

We got a problem.

Luther can't run around loose.
Someone's bound to recognize him.

If that happens,
we'll both end up in jail.

Maybe I better make
myself scarce till after dark.

Where?

In my room. That's where.

Why, Miss Marshall,

that's no proper behavior
for a Southern lady.

Oh, hang proper
and hang Southern.

We are where we are, and what
has to be done has to be done.

Let's not have any arguments.

If you have any trouble,
you know where we'll be.

And if we have any,
I'll find you.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.

You know, you can't lock a man up
just because another man says so.

But seeing as how
you're a deputy, uh,

I'll do it till I can check out your
credentials with Medicine Bow.

When will that be? Oh, I should get
an answer back by morning, I think.

Hmm. Come on.

Uh, you know, I reckon
you done me a favor.

I've been in
a lot worse situations.

As a matter of fact, this is
about the nicest jail I ever been in.

So, uh, that's
the way it stands.

We've got tomorrow morning to find
the horses, or Luther's got a choice...

Gettin' married
or goin' to jail.

Chains either way.

I never have thought
of marriage that way.

Most women don't. Most men do?

Ma'am, most men...

Well, a lot of men, uh...

I...

Well, now, you take,
um, this Widow Krebs.

Well, she's after Luther, and
you can see why Luther's reluctant.

She's put three strong men
in their graves already.

I guess it won't be long now.

To tell the truth, I'm
scared. Of what?

I never thought there were any
people worth knowing or thinking about...

except the kind I grew up with.

- Kendrick's someone you grew up with.
- Yes. That's the trouble.

You see, I...
I feel now... I hope...

I hope some of this country's
rubbed off on him.

I don't think I want to marry
the dandy I used to know.

Well, he's been here
five years, and...

Strangest thing about
this part of the country...

It sort of, uh,
opens your mind out.

Yes, it does.

Something's happening
to me already,

and I feel like I wanna keep on.

Only I'm not sure he'd like
the way I'm headin'.

Well, I like
the way you're headin'.

Uh, well...

No fear, Miss Marshall.
Everything will be all right.

I think, one way or another,
I think maybe I will.

- Hi, Dolly.
- Good morning.

Fred, give me a
prairie oyster, will you?

Rough night, huh?

- No. Got a touch of the grippe.
- Yeah. Sure.

I get that myself sometimes.

What's yours, Flossie?

Huh! Bad night, huh?

Here. You need a shot of brandy.

Get your heart started.

What peculiar remedies.
What is a prairie oyster?

Uh... You about through with
that sandwich, Miss Marshall?

Oh.

Mr. Trampas, you look
white as a sheet.

- Do you know those ladies?
- No.

Well, I've seen them.
They work here.

In a saloon? I declare.

- What do they do?
- They take care of the customers.

Oh.

What were they doing upstairs?

Uh, that's, uh...
That's where they live.

Miss Marshall, if we
don't get this sandwich

to old Luther, he's gonna
drop dead of hunger.

Well, now,
that's a familiar voice.

I'd know that voice anywhere.

Trampas, honey. What are you
doing now... bringing your own?

Whatever does she mean?
Your own what?

Uh, she must be talking about
the sandwich. I'll pay you later, Fred!

I-It hardly seems likely that
she was referring to the food.

Trampas! Trampas!

Mr. Watson, what are you
doing out here in broad daylight?

He's here. He's
here. Who's here?

The man we come to find. Where?

Well, I don't know where,
but there is his horse.

I seen that horse before,
a-at the robbery.

Uh... It's got a white
streak on his face.

Why don't we just wait and
see who gets on? Uh, over here.

Oh.

Oh.

Here, Luther. Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Luther.

Now, I ain't ever
mistaken no horse.

Looks can be deceivin',
but that is him!

That's him! That's him!

Giddap!

Oh! Great snakes in
the mornin'! I'm done for.

That must be the Widow Krebs.

If I'm not mistaken, the man
riding with her is Mr. Tom Kendrick.

My, he certainly has changed!

You two-bit, lumbering lout! How
come you get yourself in a stage robbery?

Mr. Kendrick and me
been looking for you all night.

Well, why would you
want to do that?

Because that lazy,
no-good, dog-in-the-manger

sheriff wouldn't. That's why.

There's no need
to shout, Maybelle.

Mr. Tom Kendrick?
I'm Mary Charles.

Mary Charles? But...

Well, you sure look different.

Yes, I suppose.

Well, you... you got prettier.

There's somethin' else.

Yeah. Ye... You know... You
know what you got in your face?

You've got character.

Well, you've done
some changing yourself.

I'm sure we're all
gonna be very happy.

What do you mean "we"?

I ain't...

Horse thief!

Horse thief!

Horse thief!

It do seem that trouble comes
in bunches, doesn't it?

What are you
talking about, Luther?

It's one of the 10 horses
that she says that I stole.

Well, the other nine aren't in
hiding. They're in my corral.

And they weren't stolen.

Why, I bought them outright
from this lady here.

Well, I guess you ain't ever
gonna marry me now.

But I ain't gonna apologize!

When you're none too young
and none too pretty,

you gotta take steps.

All my life, I've been
trying to find a man...

who I could give somethin' to,

and all my life I've been finding
men who've given me things.

All I wanted
was somebody to do for.

You want to do for me?

Uh-huh!

Don't... cry.

I... I'll marry you.

Uh... Uh, Maybelle.

I... I never could stand
to see a woman cry.

You mean that's all I had to do?

I could have done that
months ago!

Wait.

It occurs to me, Mr. Trampas,

that up to now, Mr. Watson
has made no mistakes...

concerning horses.

No, ma'am. He hasn't.

My horse is out back. You hit me
over the head and take off for Cheyenne.

When I come to, I'll get a posse together,
and I'll lead 'em in the other direction.

Where's the goods?
We'll settle up later.

Oh, no. None of that.
I want mine now.

If you don't get out of here now,
you ain't gonna have no share at all.

Hurry up and clobber
me and beat it. Ah!

No need to do that.
No sense gettin' a sore

head and endin' up in
jail all at the same time.

Put up your hands. No
wonder you wouldn't go after 'em.

How in the name of heaven...

I never forget a horse's face.

Human faces sometime,
but never a horse's.

I'm supposed to be
putting you in jail.

It's wonderful the way things
work out sometime, ain't it?

Now, inside. Come on.

Why, you're wrong.
There's just one thing that worries me.

How is the parson gonna know
which one is the bride?

Well, howdy, Miss Marshall.

Ma'am. Uh, Trampas,
are you gonna be...

Maybelle?

Well, I never had much time
for female frippery before.

But now that I got a man
to look at me and everything,

I thought maybe I'd better
pretty up some...

so's your eyes won't rove
in the wrong direction.

Well, are you sure
that's you, Maybelle?

I don't like
the looks of that man.

I think you should demand
his credentials.

He's all right. He's been
around for years. I don't know.

There's somethin'
about his teeth.

You better be careful. You're
beginnin' to sound like Luther.

That wouldn't do
for Mrs. Tom Kendrick.

It's gonna be all right, isn't
it... being Mrs. Tom Kendrick?

I think it's gonna be a whole lot
different than I ever imagined it would be.

Yes, I think
it's gonna be all right.

But I don't think it would have
been if it hadn't been for knowing you.

I'm beholden.

You don't owe me
anything. You just be happy.

All aboard that's comin'.

But... But I thought
her and him...

"Sincerely yours"?

Well,

one good turn deserves another.

I won't forget you.

I won't forget you either.

You're really somethin'.

Th-That's a compliment.

Hah! Hah!

So long, Luther!

I'm not gonna apologize
for that.

I learned a lot from that man.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad!

Oh! Mr. Kendrick! Honey!

The name is Tom!

Ooh. Don't all that romancin'
give you no ideas, Luther?

Maybelle!

Mmm!

Ooh! You are the most magnetic
man I ever saw in all my life!