Original subtitles

I see you. Come to papa.

Howdy. - Hey, Boone.

- Got a big old fat one for you, Gretch.

- You get 58 bucks.

- Okay, now, not bad.

- Big dead snakes, just like you wanted.

Don't tell anyone where you got this, you fucking weirdo.

- Oh, that is real good.

- Oh, damn, that's ugly.

It's stunning.

- I know, right? Aren't you obsessed?

- Beyond.

Oh, this will be perfect for an event I have coming up.

It's a charity event.

- Oh. - Okay, so what's the damage?

How much trouble am I gonna get in with my husband?

- It's $14,000.

Oh, wow.

That's a really good deal.

- Hey, Craig.

What's up, Jillian G?

- You're breathing kind of hard.

Are you okay? - No, I'm dying.

I'm working out, but fucking Troy keeps staring at me.

I think he's figured out I just live here

and I don't actually exercise 15 hours a day.

Oh, thank God. What's going on?

- I'm at the Water District HQ to hand in a snake,

and the cops are here.

Do you think they're trying to figure out

who burned down the putt-putt?

- Fuck, Condom Carl probably told them the fire

had something to do with the snake hunt.

- What if we left evidence?

I mean, I've been losing big clumps of hair

ever since I stopped eating fruits and vegetables.

They're just so expensive,

and they don't keep in the billboard.

- Shit, I can't go to jail.

Oh, great, here comes Troy again.

He's gonna offer me a towel,

but I know he's not on my side.

- So what do we do?

Nothing, okay?

Stay away from Condom Carl and the snakes and the cops.

We should take a couple days off.

- I am running low on cash.

I could use the day to sign on to TaskRabbit

and Uber and Postmates and-- - Troy's here, got to go.

What the fuck, man? They pay you by the towel?

Leave me alone.

Okay, let's make some money.

- Hello?

- Uh, hi, it's your TaskRabbit.

- Ginny. - Jilly--um, Jillian.

- Jillian, yes, of course. I have a friend named Ginny.

That's what that was. Come on in.

Okay, wow. You are actually perfect.

So much more accurate than the other girls.

- Thank you. - Come on in.

Let me get you something to drink.

What's that?

- Oh, your posting said to pack for multiple days.

So I brought a change of clothes.

Wow.

Still or sparkling?

- Sparkling, please.

Whoa, your fridge is so clean.

Most fridges are filled with, like, food.

- Oh, my God, you're hilarious.

We have a food fridge, too, girl.

See? Oh, yeah, two fridges.

I know what you're thinking. She's so OCD.

- No, but I do suffer from that, though.

- Oh.

- So George-- that's my husband--

he makes us live in Florida

because there's no state income tax.

We're supposed to spend 183 days a year here

in order to qualify as residents,

but I've had a really tough year,

so we've had to travel more

than usual for my mental health.

Anyway, we've been spending more time than normal

at our house in Montauk, so technically the Hamptons,

and now the IRS is accusing us of tax evasion.

- Oh, no, that's awful. - Oh, it's fine.

In some tax brackets,

you just have to deal with this kind of stuff.

- Well, I'm not even in a tax bracket,

so I can go wherever I want.

- Ugh, I'm so envious of that.

Anyways, George has some friends

who have connections at the IRS,

and we heard that an agent's gonna come by

for a residency check.

All you have to do is just answer the door

and pretend to be me.

Just say I'm Sloane Faulkner.

Oh, can you do an American accent?

- Mm-hmm.

I'm Sloane Faulkner.

I'm Sloane Faulkner. I'm Sloane Faulkner.

Sorry, that's not it.

I have an access word.

Let me just find it. It's "hot dog."

Hot dog, hot dog.

I'm... I'm Sloane Faulkner.

- You'll get there. I'm not even worried about it.

So that's it.

Just remember to answer the door

and don't forget to feed Gigi.

And don't worry. She's sweet.

I'm sure she is. I love cats.

- Oh, my God, I was talking about you to the cat.

You're hilarious.

Oh, and don't have anybody here while you're staying here.

That's George's rule, not mine.

It's because of his art collection.

I guess it's worth something. The art world is so random.

- Don't worry, I will take excellent care of your home.

- Oh, and $500 is okay for two days?

- Oh, wow, yes. That's very generous.

- I really appreciate you saying that.

I have so much respect for working people.

Oh, one more thing--

do you mind wearing these booties while you're here?

Our housekeeper left thick black marks all over the floor.

I guess she had a heavy walk.

- Well, I'll make sure I tiptoe about.

- Oh, you're gonna be fine,

but, seriously, wear the booties.

Bye!

- Hello, Sloane, today's weather is colder than usual.

Would you like me to turn on the heated floors?

- Heated floors?

Ooh, hello, Nate.

No, you can't have anyone over.

Don't do it, Jillian. Don't do it, don't do it.

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it,

don't do it, don't do it.

Hi! - Hi!

Oh, my God. This house is amazing.

Thank you. It's mine.

- Oh, and I love these funky little shoes.

- Oh, uh, these?

I was just wearing them

because, uh, my housekeeper made a mess on the floor.

- Ew, what? Like, she had an accident?

- Oh, my God, you're hilarious.

No, she just had a really heavy walk.

She's a real fucking pig, actually.

- Oh, so you invited multiple dudes over?

See, here I thought that I was special.

No, I just ordered us some food.

Thank you. - No problem.

- Oh, wait, what's your Venmo name for the tip?

- Oh, you can just tip him through the app.

- Oh, yeah, but you never get the full tip that way.

The app always takes a cut. - Oh.

- Yeah, the handle is @SchmoneyTalks.

- Well, thank you for the food, Mr. @SchmoneyTalks.

- No, that's not actually my name.

- No, I know. I was-- - My name's Theo Griffiths.

- Thank you for the food, Theo Griffiths.

- So nice how you did that tip thing.

- Oh, I just have so much respect for working people.

Can I get you some water? Oops.

That's the food fridge. Drink fridge is over here.

I know what you're thinking-- "Two fridges, she's so OCD."

Okay, who are you?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, you have an extra fridge

just for bottled water,

but then you also have a spiritual connection

with the Postmates guy named SchmoneyTalks.

- His name is Theo Griffiths. - Yeah.

You just seem down to earth.

It's just...

who are you?

- Oh, I guess I just am who I am.

Just me, just Jillian.

And what's this all about?

- Oh, God, cat's cradle.

I didn't really realize I was doing it.

It's so dorky.

- No, no way. I think it's cute.

- It's just something my mom taught me to do

when I was little to calm me down when I feel nervous.

- Oh, what's there to be nervous about right now?

- Um, I could--I can teach you how to do it if you want.

I could show you how to do a classic cat's cradle.

- Yeah, sure. - Okay, great.

Um...

- Is this right? - Yeah, just--

- You can touch.

- Okay. So put your hands there.

- Yeah.

- You just wrap around your hands like that.

- Okay. - Then...

- Ooh. - Loop it around.

And then, um, bring this hand in here.

- Like this? - Yeah.

The middle finger, and pull it through,

and then you're gonna bring this finger in there.

- Oh. - Perfect.

Um, I'm gonna grab these.

Don't let go.

- What's that?

- I don't know, actually. I'll be right back.

- Hi, Jillian. It's me, Sloane.

Just wondering, why is there a man in my house?

Oh, shit.

- I have a camera on my cat feeder.

So I'm checking on my sweet Gigi,

and I see some random-ass guy is there with you.

- I know, I'm sorry. It's just--

Fuck.

This guy, Nate,

he thinks I'm rich, and I really like him,

and so I pretended I was you

because you are rich and fabulous.

And this was all a huge mistake,

and I'll get him to leave right now.

- No, no, no. Do not let him leave.

Girl, I love this for you.

But what's holding you back

from showing him your true self?

- Oh.

I don't know.

I guess part of me feels like I don't deserve him.

- Mm-mm, no, don't do that.

I want you to listen to me, Jillian.

You are enough, but also that might not be enough.

So I'm gonna help you transform yourself

and get this man.

- Wait, really?

- Of course. I love helping people.

I'll be like your fairy godmother.

- Are you gonna make me a gown?

- A gown, yes, that's a great idea.

Pick me up and bring me to the closet.

Okay, we're looking for something flirty and fun.

- I like this yellow one.

- Ugh, that's not right for this at all.

You can just keep that one if you want.

- Wait, are you serious? I can have it?

- Yes, I went to this Buddhism retreat last year,

and it completely changed my outlook.

I'm not attached to material things at all anymore.

Oh, hold up the coral one.

I want to see it against your skin.

- Wait, you can see me? Do you have cameras in here?

- Sorry, the insurance company made me install them

because, I don't know,

some of the stuff in here is expensive, I guess.

That dress is so you.

- Jillian, you okay? - Yeah!

Sorry, was just changing my outfit!

My old one smelled like shit!

- Un, okay. - What?

- Jesus, Jillian, what was that?

- I don't know.

I just get so flustered around him.

I panicked and told the truth. - Oh, I can help with that.

Listen, there's a Bluetooth headset by my bed.

Pair it with your phone and then call me.

I can be in your ear while you flirt with him.

Oh, my God. This is gonna be so fun!

- Won't he think something's up

if I have a headset in my ear the whole time?

- No, all you have to tell him is...

- I'm on the board of a charity.

I forgot it's our quarterly meeting.

I don't have to talk,

but I do have to stay on the call

because it's one of those annoying ones

where they take attendance at the beginning

and at the end.

Wow, you look...

Wow.

- Yeah, she does. - Thank you.

- Now walk past him to the couch,

but give him a sexy look.

Let him check you out.

Let's show him what you got, mama.

Work it, Jillian, work it.

- Um, hey, so I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Check it out.

Like this, see?

It's so cool your mom taught you this.

What's she like?

- She's really nice, or she was before she died.

I've never met her ghost, so I don't what she's like now.

- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to--

- No, it's fine. It's just reality.

Both of my parents passed when I was pretty young,

and I've sort of been on my own since then.

- That must have been really hard.

- Wait, are those his original teeth?

- What? - What?

- All truly rich people have fake teeth.

Ask him, "Who did your teeth?"

- Who did your teeth?

- What do you-- I mean, these are my teeth.

They're my normal teeth.

- Oh, so he is not that rich. - Oh, my God, why?

Is something wrong with my teeth?

I've been meaning to get them whitened.

I just heard that it really hurts.

- You know, I heard that there are some sticks

that are natural tooth whiteners.

I'm not sure which ones.

- Jesus Christ, why are we talking about sticks?

Take out your phone,

and pretend you're controlling the sound system.

- Um, hey, would you like to listen to some music, Nate?

- We need to find a seductive song.

- Yeah, yeah.

This is perfect, good, okay.

Listen, George loves it when I do a little dance

for him in his chair.

Why don't you get up? Get up and dance.

Just be loose.

Mm, it's too stiff.

Thrust in circles like you're hula-hooping.

No, not like you're literally hula-hooping.

What are you doing with your face?

Oh, my God, you are fucking this up, Jillian.

Try this--run one hand through your hair

like you're shampooing.

Jesus Christ, not like you have lice, Jillian--

sexy shampooing.

- Is everything okay? - Perfect job, Jillian.

You absolutely blew it. - Yes, sorry.

I was doing this as a joke.

I thought it would be funny, but it's not, so I'll stop.

- No, it's so funny.

- This got really weird.

Did I fuck things up by bringing up your mom?

- No, that was fine.

I thought I fucked things up

by all asking you about your teeth.

- Oh, no.

- They're really great, by the way.

- I'm glad, um...

'cause here they come.

God, sorry.

That--that--made that seem like I was gonna come bite you.

I'm not gonna bite you.

No, I just want to put my mouth on your mouth?

I might stop there--

- Oh, Sloane, I love that she made the first move.

- Okay. That was my friend Daphne.

I told some of the girls at the event about you.

They think it's so cute.

- Hi, Jillian. Put your hand on his thigh.

Don't touch his dick, but don't not touch it, you know.

- I am so sorry, but I really need to go pee.

I'll be right back. - Okay, kick-ass.

- Hi, Jillian.

- Oh, shit, you're here. That's fun.

- Hey, why did you walk out? It was just getting good.

- I'm sorry-- it's just so hard for me

to focus with all these different voices in my head.

- Yes, of course.

Think about how hard this must be for Jillian.

I'm gonna be the only one who talks.

- What? - Not fair.

- She's my project. I found her.

- I think having anyone in my ear is a bit much.

This is all just so weird.

- Wow. Okay.

Well, I'm at a charity event right now

where people are actually in need of my help.

So I guess if this is too weird for you, Jillian,

I'll go back to them, and you can go back

to being a TaskRabbit who follows directions

when they're told not to bring anybody over.

- I'm so, so sorry!

- No. Ha, okay. No, I'm sorry.

Girl, that's on me.

All I've had today is a kale pill,

and I think I'm just hangry. - Oh.

- I know, I know, I know. Okay, you know what?

Why don't you just ditch the earpiece

and go out there and have some fun?

- Yes, absolutely. - Right?

- Yes, we've taken you as far as we can.

The rest is up to you.

- Thank you.

- Of course, we're still gonna be

watching you, though, in case you need help.

- Oh, okay, cool.

Sorry that took so long.

- No problem.

- I wasn't peeing the whole time.

It's just that I have a really nice bathroom,

and I love spending time in there.

- How nice are we talking?

Heated floors.

- Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I don't know why this keeps happening.

I thought you said it was up to me now.

- Okay, it's not all about you.

My gardener, Santos, is here.

I saw him on the cameras outside,

and I need you to talk to him.

He is using his gas-powered leaf blower,

not the eco-friendly electric one.

You need to go tell him to switch.

I was kind of having a moment with Nate.

- I saw, very indie-movie cute,

but the environment is just so important to me.

- Okay.

But who do I tell Santos I am? He knows I'm not you.

- No, he doesn't. We've never actually met.

I always just text with him.

- What do I even say to him? - Oh, don't be nervous.

Just put the Bluetooth in,

and I'll tell you exactly what to say.

Hot dog, hot dog, hot dog.

Perfect.

Hi, I'm Sloane Faulkner.

We've texted. - Hi, it's nice to meet you.

- Ugh, ditch the accent.

Um, would you mind using

the electric leaf blower?

- I was going to, but you didn't charge it.

- I'm sorry, is it my job to plug in the leaf blower?

- Is it my job to plug in the leaf blower?

- I would've done it, Miss Faulkner.

- Oh, you can call me Sloane. - No, he can't.

- You didn't give me the garage code.

You said you husband's storing art in there.

- Ask him, "Who works for who here?"

- Is that it? - Who works for who here?

- I work for you, but I can't do my job

unless you tell me what you want,

and you listen to me when I tell you what I need.

- Okay, well, now you have to fire him.

- What?

- We should have a conversation.

- Hey, everything okay? You never came back.

- Fire this guy, Jillian. - Sloane.

- Do it. Fire him.

- Who's Sloane? - Fire him, fire him.

- He calls me by my last name.

I run my home like a sports team.

- You are my rabbit, and this is your task.

- Can I go back to work? - Now, do it now.

- Jillian, are you okay? - Sloane?

- This is an order, Jillian. Fire him, do it.

- You're fired. - Thank you.

- What?

- I'm sorry, Santos. You're fired.

And, Nate, I have to go to the bathroom again,

and I won't tell you why.

I'm gonna tell Nate to leave.

This has all gotten so complicated.

Are you crying?

Thank you so much for noticing.

I'm just really overwhelmed right now.

I don't know if you've ever fired anybody,

but it is so much harder than being fired.

When you fire somebody, you're the bad guy,

but you know me, Ginny.

I'm not the bad guy.

- You could always give him his job back.

- Mm, I feel like

that would just be so uncomfortable for him.

Should we send him some flowers?

Maybe he'd like, like, a little palm tree or something.

I mean, we know he loves plants.

Oh, shit, what was that?

- The doorbell.

- The doorbell! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Hey, Jillian.

This is Agent Grady from the IRS.

She's looking for somebody named Sloane Faulkner,

but don't worry--I told her nobody by that name lives here.

- So nobody named Sloane resides here?

- Well, her last name is Sloane.

- Yes, that is true.

But I also have a friend named Sloane

who's my roommate in this house.

Everyone calls it the Sloane Shack.

Our friends are hilarious.

- And does a George Faulkner reside here as well?

- Yes, he's my other roommate.

We're always getting into arguments

over who does the dishes.

- Okay.

But neither Sloane nor George Faulkner

is here currently?

- No, they just left,

over that argument I just told you about, about the dishes.

They did they didn't say where they were going,

but they stormed out and said, "We're staying in Florida!"

- Thank you for your time.

- I don--

- Wait, you have roommates?

- Yes, but not because I'm poor,

because they're poor and I'm nice.

Oh, sorry.

It's that alarm again. I'll just be one sec.

It's a whole thing. You get it.

- Yes. Yeah, yeah, I get it.

- What the fuck did you just do to me, Jillian?

- I didn't have a choice.

If I said I was Sloane, Nate would've known

I'd been lying to him this whole time.

- So? You think I give a slick shit about you

and your middle-class love puppy

with his original fucking teeth?

- Is it really that bad to have your own teeth?

- Well, George had his own teeth

until he started losing them at age 85.

So you tell me, sweetheart.

- How old is George?

- He's 89, and now I get to watch every night

as he takes his whole entire mouth out

and puts it in a fucking glass.

- Okay, well, I'm sorry, but this really isn't my fault.

- Of course it's your fault!

- Maybe if you hadn't made me fire Santos,

or maybe if you'd actually lived in Florida

for 183 days this year...

- I was working on my mental health!

Ugh! I was just about to give a million dollars to charity.

But now I guess I'm gonna donate that money

to the U.S. fucking government.

- Uh, actually, Sloane, you do need

to make those charitable donations,

because if you don't, it makes the taxes go even higher.

- It makes the taxes go even higher, Jillian!

- I thought you said you're a Buddhist

and you weren't attached to material things!

- Money doesn't count as material things.

Money's all online now, whoo!

I could sue you, but I obviously wouldn't get much.

So I think I'm just gonna call the cops

and tell them there's a strange man in my house.

- Don't do that, Sloane. No. Shit.

Sloane? Shit!

Nate? - Jillian, is everything okay?

- Nate, we really have to leave.

- Why? What is happening?

- I called the police.

- Off, off, off, off, off, off! - Who's that?

- Who am I? I'm Sloane Faulkner.

And I'm the actual own--

- Jillian, what the fuck?

- I'll explain everything to you once we're outside,

but we really have to leave right now.

- Why? Jillian-- - Fuck you.

I can lock the doors remotely, Jillian.

You're not going anywhere.

What the hell?

- Come on, come on, follow me! Come on, follow me!

Jillian!

- Damn it!

- You're not getting away that easily.

- Sloane, open up the doors and let us out right now, or...

I will kill Gigi.

I hunt snakes for a living.

You didn't know that, but that's, like, my main job,

so I am fully capable of murdering a cat.

- Yeah, I really don't care. Gigi's a clone anyway.

So I can probably just call the lab and order a new one.

Maybe the technology's gotten better,

and this one won't have so many goddamn emotional prob--

- Hey. - Santos?

- I cut the power. Now, hurry, you should go.

- Wait, why are you helping me? I just fired you.

- I know you're not Mrs. Sloane.

- You do? - I met that woman seven times.

It's crazy she don't remember me.

Now go!

- That was a lot.

- Crazy first date, right? - Yeah.

- But this is gonna be such a funny story

to tell our friends.

- Did you steal someone's identity?

- No, I was asked to borrow someone's identity.

I'm not some psychopath.

- I mean, you said you kill snakes for a living?

- Humanely. I always destroy their brains.

- Okay, this is too weird. I'm gonna go.

- Wait, no, just--

I know I lied to you.

I swear I only did it because I thought

if I told you the truth, you'd never want to see me again.

But this is it.

I don't actually own a billboard company.

I just drive a billboard around for money.

And then at night, I sleep in it.

I have no home, no savings,

and all of my clothes fit in this bag.

But this is me,

just a girl standing in front of a boy

using her original teeth to ask for a second chance.

- Look, Jillian, I know everyone says money

is the most important thing in the world,

but there are some people out there

that don't feel like that.

I know you're gonna find one of them eventually.

I think you should probably check online.

- Wait, what?

- It's really nice knowing you, Jillian Sloane.

- Wha--

Nate?

- I'm looking for a Jillian Glopp?

- I'm Jillian Glopp.

- I'm with the Miami Police Department.

I'd like to talk to you about a fire.

- I'd like to do a song

of great social and political import.

It goes like this.

Everybody!

That's it.

- Not a doctor. - Shh.