All language subtitles for [X_JEZMEw_-Q].en

Welcome to the Daily Show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the Daily Show. MY NAME IS
JOHN STEWART. WE GOT AN unbelievable We

JOHN STEWART. WE GOT AN unbelievable We

JOHN STEWART. WE GOT AN unbelievable We
got an unbelievable show for you

got an unbelievable show for you

got an unbelievable show for you
tonight. It's why I like doing the

tonight. It's why I like doing the

tonight. It's why I like doing the
Monday shows because all the news

Monday shows because all the news

Monday shows because all the news
accumulates over the weekend.

Somebody somebody in the audience

Somebody somebody in the audience
somebody in the audience asked me, "Why

somebody in the audience asked me, "Why

somebody in the audience asked me, "Why
do you do the Monday shows?" I go, "I

do you do the Monday shows?" I go, "I

do you do the Monday shows?" I go, "I
don't know." And she goes, "Is it be

don't know." And she goes, "Is it be

don't know." And she goes, "Is it be
that?" Somebody behind her goes, "Oh,

that?" Somebody behind her goes, "Oh,

that?" Somebody behind her goes, "Oh,
it's because the news accumulates over

it's because the news accumulates over

it's because the news accumulates over
the weekend." And I go, "Yeah, that's

the weekend." And I go, "Yeah, that's

the weekend." And I go, "Yeah, that's
it.

it.

it.
Later on connected, we'll also be joined

Later on connected, we'll also be joined

Later on connected, we'll also be joined
by author and journalist Jodie Caner

by author and journalist Jodie Caner

by author and journalist Jodie Caner
FROM THE FAILING NEW YORK TIMES.

>> He's actually written an article about

>> He's actually written an article about
the failing uh Supreme Court. Uh but

the failing uh Supreme Court. Uh but

the failing uh Supreme Court. Uh but
first um

let's begin obviously with the big news.

let's begin obviously with the big news.
Uh uh the White House correspondents

Uh uh the White House correspondents

Uh uh the White House correspondents
dinner.

dinner.

dinner.
It was supposed to be an evening of fun

It was supposed to be an evening of fun

It was supposed to be an evening of fun
and marrynt until, like most things in

and marrynt until, like most things in

and marrynt until, like most things in
America, it was interrupted by gunfire.

America, it was interrupted by gunfire.

America, it was interrupted by gunfire.
This is why we can't have nice things.

This is why we can't have nice things.

This is why we can't have nice things.
And to be perfectly frank, it's not even

And to be perfectly frank, it's not even

And to be perfectly frank, it's not even
a nice thing.

a nice thing.

a nice thing.
NOBODY WANTED THISING dinner in the f

NOBODY WANTED THISING dinner in the f

NOBODY WANTED THISING dinner in the f
nobody needed. We're so in this country

nobody needed. We're so in this country

nobody needed. We're so in this country
right now.

right now.

right now.
We can't even pull off a dinner that

We can't even pull off a dinner that

We can't even pull off a dinner that
shouldn't have existed in the first

shouldn't have existed in the first

shouldn't have existed in the first
place.

place.

place.
Hey, let's celebrate the First Amendment

Hey, let's celebrate the First Amendment

Hey, let's celebrate the First Amendment
with an administration that's doing

with an administration that's doing

with an administration that's doing
everything it can do to destroy it.

everything it can do to destroy it.

everything it can do to destroy it.
Sounds great.

Sounds great.

Sounds great.
Should we hold the dinner in a secure

Should we hold the dinner in a secure

Should we hold the dinner in a secure
location?

location?

location?
Well, we could

Well, we could

Well, we could
or you know what? Why not just the

or you know what? Why not just the

or you know what? Why not just the
Hilton?

Let's just, you know what? Let's not

Let's just, you know what? Let's not
hold it in a secure location. Let's go

hold it in a secure location. Let's go

hold it in a secure location. Let's go
to the Hilton. You know the Hilton

to the Hilton. You know the Hilton

to the Hilton. You know the Hilton
slogan, more hard to defend entry points

slogan, more hard to defend entry points

slogan, more hard to defend entry points
than rooms.

Why are you doing it? And now,

Why are you doing it? And now,
fortunately, and amazingly, no

fortunately, and amazingly, no

fortunately, and amazingly, no
fatalities. Nobody was really hurt. But

fatalities. Nobody was really hurt. But

fatalities. Nobody was really hurt. But
make no mistake, in crisis situations

make no mistake, in crisis situations

make no mistake, in crisis situations
like this, people tend to show you who

like this, people tend to show you who

like this, people tend to show you who
they really are. And who the elite of

they really are. And who the elite of

they really are. And who the elite of
Washington DC are is

like this influencer whose caption says

like this influencer whose caption says
SHOOTER AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT

SHOOTER AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT

SHOOTER AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT
dinner but whose duck face says

ARE THESE HARD-NOSED WASHINGTON INSIDERS

ARE THESE HARD-NOSED WASHINGTON INSIDERS
WHO made sure in a life or death

WHO made sure in a life or death

WHO made sure in a life or death
situation to grab the things most dear

situation to grab the things most dear

situation to grab the things most dear
to them, the bottle service.

If only if only I had more time. I I

If only if only I had more time. I I
could have saved the rosé.

And then of course THERE WAS THIS GUY.

And then of course THERE WAS THIS GUY.
Check this video out. The left side of

Check this video out. The left side of

Check this video out. The left side of
your screen. This man, creative artist,

your screen. This man, creative artist,

your screen. This man, creative artist,
agent, super agent Michael Glance has

agent, super agent Michael Glance has

agent, super agent Michael Glance has
gone viral for eating food casually as

gone viral for eating food casually as

gone viral for eating food casually as
people are crouched down after this

people are crouched down after this

people are crouched down after this
shooting at the White House

shooting at the White House

shooting at the White House
correspondents dinner.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Waiter.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Waiter.
When you're done incapacitating

When you're done incapacitating

When you're done incapacitating
the assassin,

the assassin,

the assassin,
uh, I would love some more ranch

uh, I would love some more ranch

uh, I would love some more ranch
dressing.

It'd be a doll if you could. A refill.

It'd be a doll if you could. A refill.
Some lady took my wine

Some lady took my wine

Some lady took my wine
if you could.

There there have been times when I have

There there have been times when I have
been very worried about artificial

been very worried about artificial

been very worried about artificial
intelligence and whether or not it's

intelligence and whether or not it's

intelligence and whether or not it's
going to replace us. A and then there

going to replace us. A and then there

going to replace us. A and then there
are other times uh where I think hey AI

are other times uh where I think hey AI

are other times uh where I think hey AI
can you start Monday?

I mean,

I mean,
but I got to tell you, nobody revealed

but I got to tell you, nobody revealed

but I got to tell you, nobody revealed
their true colors more than the Trump

their true colors more than the Trump

their true colors more than the Trump
administration. From JD Vance's Dancing

administration. From JD Vance's Dancing

administration. From JD Vance's Dancing
with the Stars Quickstep exit to Pete

with the Stars Quickstep exit to Pete

with the Stars Quickstep exit to Pete
Hegsth dropping a smoldering blue steel.

Hegsth dropping a smoldering blue steel.

Hegsth dropping a smoldering blue steel.
Hello.

Hello.

Hello.
To RFK Jr. being whisked away by a

To RFK Jr. being whisked away by a

To RFK Jr. being whisked away by a
Secret Service hive who apparently

Secret Service hive who apparently

Secret Service hive who apparently
couldn't spare one worker bee for, I

couldn't spare one worker bee for, I

couldn't spare one worker bee for, I
don't know, HIS WIFE.

JUST DO DO you see it? Do you see right

JUST DO DO you see it? Do you see right
there? There's a group of men

there? There's a group of men

there? There's a group of men
carrying another man out of the room.

carrying another man out of the room.

carrying another man out of the room.
And then there's a woman

And then there's a woman

And then there's a woman
a woman who appears to be I'm NOT A

a woman who appears to be I'm NOT A

a woman who appears to be I'm NOT A
OBVIOUSLY DESPERATELY REACHING out

for someone

for someone
to care

to care

to care
to help her.

to help her.

to help her.
THAT'S THE WOMAN REACHING up in agony

THAT'S THE WOMAN REACHING up in agony

THAT'S THE WOMAN REACHING up in agony
and fear.

and fear.

and fear.
That's RFK Jr.'s wife, BOBBY.

AND BY THE WAY, BY the way,

AND BY THE WAY, BY the way,
IF THERE'S ONE GUY IN THAT ENTIRE ROOM

IF THERE'S ONE GUY IN THAT ENTIRE ROOM

IF THERE'S ONE GUY IN THAT ENTIRE ROOM
WHO seems like they would be impervious

WHO seems like they would be impervious

WHO seems like they would be impervious
to physical damage,

to physical damage,

to physical damage,
RFK Jr.,

RFK Jr.,

RFK Jr.,
look at this guy. He literally looks

look at this guy. He literally looks

look at this guy. He literally looks
like a GUY WHO IS TRAPPED between being

like a GUY WHO IS TRAPPED between being

like a GUY WHO IS TRAPPED between being
Bruce Banner and the Hulk.

He's in the HE'S IN THE MIDDLE. He can't

He's in the HE'S IN THE MIDDLE. He can't
go either way.

go either way.

go either way.
It's like It's like the gamma radiation

It's like It's like the gamma radiation

It's like It's like the gamma radiation
JUST STABILIZED IN THE MIDDLE of the

JUST STABILIZED IN THE MIDDLE of the

JUST STABILIZED IN THE MIDDLE of the
transformation.

Howed up is that scene? Howed up is that

Howed up is that scene? Howed up is that
scene? May I show you the tape again? I

scene? May I show you the tape again? I

scene? May I show you the tape again? I
want to show you something. Pay

want to show you something. Pay

want to show you something. Pay
attention to the foreground. Something's

attention to the foreground. Something's

attention to the foreground. Something's
about to happen. I want to show it to

about to happen. I want to show it to

about to happen. I want to show it to
you. Hold on. It's not there. They're

you. Hold on. It's not there. They're

you. Hold on. It's not there. They're
whisking RFK out. His wife. FREEZE.

whisking RFK out. His wife. FREEZE.

whisking RFK out. His wife. FREEZE.
FREEZE. FREEZE. FREEZE. OKAY. The guy

FREEZE. FREEZE. FREEZE. OKAY. The guy

FREEZE. FREEZE. FREEZE. OKAY. The guy
right there shielding the pregnant woman

right there shielding the pregnant woman

right there shielding the pregnant woman
from danger. That's Stephen Miller and

from danger. That's Stephen Miller and

from danger. That's Stephen Miller and
his wife. Stephen Miller carefully

his wife. Stephen Miller carefully

his wife. Stephen Miller carefully
protecting his wife.

See, RFK turned out that's an option.

See, RFK turned out that's an option.
You can protect your wife instead of, I

You can protect your wife instead of, I

You can protect your wife instead of, I
don't know, beating her to the escape

don't know, beating her to the escape

don't know, beating her to the escape
pod.

And the guy who outshined you is

And the guy who outshined you is
Stevening

Stevening

Stevening
Miller. THAT'S WHO OUTSHINED YOU. That's

Miller. THAT'S WHO OUTSHINED YOU. That's

Miller. THAT'S WHO OUTSHINED YOU. That's
who was more chivalous.

who was more chivalous.

who was more chivalous.
Steven Miller, a guy who probably jerks

Steven Miller, a guy who probably jerks

Steven Miller, a guy who probably jerks
off to the new FACES OF DEATH MOVIE.

off to the new FACES OF DEATH MOVIE.

off to the new FACES OF DEATH MOVIE.
THAT'S

THAT'S

THAT'S
And now for the rest of your w the rest

And now for the rest of your w the rest

And now for the rest of your w the rest
of your life, your wife is going to ask

of your life, your wife is going to ask

of your life, your wife is going to ask
you a question no one's ever asked

you a question no one's ever asked

you a question no one's ever asked
before, ever. Why can't you be more like

before, ever. Why can't you be more like

before, ever. Why can't you be more like
Stephen Miller? Why? Why can't you be

Stephen Miller? Why? Why can't you be

Stephen Miller? Why? Why can't you be
more?

But no, THERE GOES RFK JUST LEAVING IT.

But no, THERE GOES RFK JUST LEAVING IT.
LOOKS LIKE we got a new addition to the

LOOKS LIKE we got a new addition to the

LOOKS LIKE we got a new addition to the
Kennedy family abandoning women to their

Kennedy family abandoning women to their

Kennedy family abandoning women to their
fate Wikipedia page. Oh, I'm sorry.

fate Wikipedia page. Oh, I'm sorry.

fate Wikipedia page. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Too soon or or too many?

I'm sorry. Too soon or or too many?

I'm sorry. Too soon or or too many?
You know what? And here's the other

You know what? And here's the other

You know what? And here's the other
thing.

I don't want any more of your PUNCH THE

I don't want any more of your PUNCH THE
MONKEY NONSENSE EITHER.

MONKEY NONSENSE EITHER.

MONKEY NONSENSE EITHER.
I have had it.

Now, obviously, not everybody left their

Now, obviously, not everybody left their
lady behind. Some went to look for their

lady behind. Some went to look for their

lady behind. Some went to look for their
lady and still got bad news.

lady and still got bad news.

lady and still got bad news.
>> The New York Times writes, "The FBI

>> The New York Times writes, "The FBI

>> The New York Times writes, "The FBI
director, Cash Patel, came tearing

director, Cash Patel, came tearing

director, Cash Patel, came tearing
across the hallway with two men in tow.

across the hallway with two men in tow.

across the hallway with two men in tow.
His girlfriend was hiding in a room with

His girlfriend was hiding in a room with

His girlfriend was hiding in a room with
another man who was holding her hand.

Did you have to add that?

Did you have to add that?
Was that a necessary detail to add to

Was that a necessary detail to add to

Was that a necessary detail to add to
the story? Uh, Cash Patel's girlfriend,

the story? Uh, Cash Patel's girlfriend,

the story? Uh, Cash Patel's girlfriend,
I I was in a room, uh, a man gently

I I was in a room, uh, a man gently

I I was in a room, uh, a man gently
caressing her arm. THE MAN'S MUSCULAR

caressing her arm. THE MAN'S MUSCULAR

caressing her arm. THE MAN'S MUSCULAR
CHEST TEETHING

CHEST TEETHING

CHEST TEETHING
WITH ANTICIPATION AS HE BELLOWED, "I'LL

WITH ANTICIPATION AS HE BELLOWED, "I'LL

WITH ANTICIPATION AS HE BELLOWED, "I'LL
PROTECT YOU, CASH PATEL'S GIRLFRIEND."

You know, the person I felt the most

You know, the person I felt the most
sorry for honestly the whole night,

sorry for honestly the whole night,

sorry for honestly the whole night,
probably the featured performer of the

probably the featured performer of the

probably the featured performer of the
evening. Mentalist O Pearlman. He was a

evening. Mentalist O Pearlman. He was a

evening. Mentalist O Pearlman. He was a
mentalist. He was going to he was going

mentalist. He was going to he was going

mentalist. He was going to he was going
to perform. It's probably the biggest

to perform. It's probably the biggest

to perform. It's probably the biggest
opportunity for visibility that the

opportunity for visibility that the

opportunity for visibility that the
mentalist community has ever had. And

mentalist community has ever had. And

mentalist community has ever had. And
then in the middle OF IT, POW POW POW,

then in the middle OF IT, POW POW POW,

then in the middle OF IT, POW POW POW,
THE WHOLE THING GOES.

THE WHOLE THING GOES.

THE WHOLE THING GOES.
>> CAROLINE LEVIT, the press secretary,

>> CAROLINE LEVIT, the press secretary,

>> CAROLINE LEVIT, the press secretary,
said challenged me. He said, "I'm having

said challenged me. He said, "I'm having

said challenged me. He said, "I'm having
a baby next week." And she goes, "Can

a baby next week." And she goes, "Can

a baby next week." And she goes, "Can
you guess what I'm naming my daughter?"

you guess what I'm naming my daughter?"

you guess what I'm naming my daughter?"
And I was guessing letter by letter how

And I was guessing letter by letter how

And I was guessing letter by letter how
many letters were in the name.

many letters were in the name.

many letters were in the name.
Is there anything more compelling

Is there anything more compelling

Is there anything more compelling
than a mentalist or magician just

than a mentalist or magician just

than a mentalist or magician just
describing to you verbally a a trick

describing to you verbally a a trick

describing to you verbally a a trick
that he would have done

that he would have done

that he would have done
that if you had been there would have

that if you had been there would have

that if you had been there would have
been cool.

been cool.

been cool.
I I'm sorry I I I interrupted.

I I'm sorry I I I interrupted.

I I'm sorry I I I interrupted.
>> And then I right at the moment where you

>> And then I right at the moment where you

>> And then I right at the moment where you
see it happen, I wrote down the name and

see it happen, I wrote down the name and

see it happen, I wrote down the name and
I said, "How did I do?" And I turn it

I said, "How did I do?" And I turn it

I said, "How did I do?" And I turn it
around and that's when you see the the

around and that's when you see the the

around and that's when you see the the
first lady go

first lady go

first lady go
Yeah, that's right. That's when the

Yeah, that's right. That's when the

Yeah, that's right. That's when the
shooting happened.

That gasp wasn't he nailed it. IT WAS

That gasp wasn't he nailed it. IT WAS
THAT WAS GUNFIRE.

THAT WAS GUNFIRE.

THAT WAS GUNFIRE.
AND BY THE WAY, UH, the shooting

AND BY THE WAY, UH, the shooting

AND BY THE WAY, UH, the shooting
happened just as the mentalist was

happened just as the mentalist was

happened just as the mentalist was
revealing the name of Carolyn Levit's

revealing the name of Carolyn Levit's

revealing the name of Carolyn Levit's
unborn child, which as amazing as that

unborn child, which as amazing as that

unborn child, which as amazing as that
might have been, one would have thought

might have been, one would have thought

might have been, one would have thought
that a more timely revelation

that a more timely revelation

that a more timely revelation
would have been to write something on

would have been to write something on

would have been to write something on
the card like, "Everybody run."

There's Hold on.

There's Hold on.
I'm gonna

I'm gonna

I'm gonna
Okay, I'm gonna show you something. Uh,

Okay, I'm gonna show you something. Uh,

Okay, I'm gonna show you something. Uh,
it's going to blow your mind. Everybody

it's going to blow your mind. Everybody

it's going to blow your mind. Everybody
run.

But perhaps nobody's character was

But perhaps nobody's character was
revealed as much as our brave president,

revealed as much as our brave president,

revealed as much as our brave president,
Donald Jaspher Trump, who sat down with

Donald Jaspher Trump, who sat down with

Donald Jaspher Trump, who sat down with
Norah O'Donnell the next day to explain

Norah O'Donnell the next day to explain

Norah O'Donnell the next day to explain
that fear was definitely not the emotion

that fear was definitely not the emotion

that fear was definitely not the emotion
he was feeling.

he was feeling.

he was feeling.
>> I wasn't worried. I could see what was

>> I wasn't worried. I could see what was

>> I wasn't worried. I could see what was
going on at the door. I also saw a lot

going on at the door. I also saw a lot

going on at the door. I also saw a lot
of very strong

of very strong

of very strong
uh physically strong

uh physically strong

uh physically strong
really attractive law enforcement people

really attractive law enforcement people

really attractive law enforcement people
come through those doors.

Does does that matter?

Does does that matter?
Is that part of the how we're track?

Is that part of the how we're track?

Is that part of the how we're track?
Look, I don't want my life saved by a

Look, I don't want my life saved by a

Look, I don't want my life saved by a
six.

I don't want some pig face walking. We

I don't want some pig face walking. We
got to go, Mr. President. Not with you,

got to go, Mr. President. Not with you,

got to go, Mr. President. Not with you,
friend.

But how did it feel? You surrounded by

But how did it feel? You surrounded by
really attractive law enforcement. And

really attractive law enforcement. And

really attractive law enforcement. And
frankly, it made me feel very safe.

Yeah, I'm not sure. Safe was the

Yeah, I'm not sure. Safe was the
emotion.

emotion.

emotion.
Yeah, I saw them come in and I and I

Yeah, I saw them come in and I and I

Yeah, I saw them come in and I and I
felt myself get safe as a rock.

They were so attractive. I

They were so attractive. I
safe as a rock. I It's why I didn't

safe as a rock. I It's why I didn't

safe as a rock. I It's why I didn't
stand up to run.

But Trump wasn't only impressed with the

But Trump wasn't only impressed with the
officers good looks or their asses being

officers good looks or their asses being

officers good looks or their asses being
so taught that any shooter's bullets

so taught that any shooter's bullets

so taught that any shooter's bullets
would have just bounced right off.

would have just bounced right off.

would have just bounced right off.
>> He was also impressed with their skill.

>> He was also impressed with their skill.

>> He was also impressed with their skill.
>> They drew those guns so fast. Looked

>> They drew those guns so fast. Looked

>> They drew those guns so fast. Looked
like they looked like Matt Dylan.

Now

Now
I I know what I know what you're

I I know what I know what you're

I I know what I know what you're
thinking.

thinking.

thinking.
Um,

uh, Matt Matt Dylan,

uh, Matt Matt Dylan,
is Donald Trump so old he's confusing

is Donald Trump so old he's confusing

is Donald Trump so old he's confusing
the guy from Something About Mary with

the guy from Something About Mary with

the guy from Something About Mary with
Matt Damon from the Born movies? But

Matt Damon from the Born movies? But

Matt Damon from the Born movies? But
it's not true. Uh, Trump is actually so

it's not true. Uh, Trump is actually so

it's not true. Uh, Trump is actually so
old he's not confused at all. He's

old he's not confused at all. He's

old he's not confused at all. He's
referencing Marshall Matt Dylan from the

referencing Marshall Matt Dylan from the

referencing Marshall Matt Dylan from the
Gunsmoke TV show.

Gunsmoke TV show.

Gunsmoke TV show.
A show that I'm too young to have

A show that I'm too young to have

A show that I'm too young to have
watched.

watched.

watched.
>> YEAH. THIS, LOOK AT THIS. Are you seeing

>> YEAH. THIS, LOOK AT THIS. Are you seeing

>> YEAH. THIS, LOOK AT THIS. Are you seeing
this? I'm too young to know that show.

this? I'm too young to know that show.

this? I'm too young to know that show.
Now, by the way, you may have noticed

Now, by the way, you may have noticed

Now, by the way, you may have noticed
Trump's demeanor very consiliatory and

Trump's demeanor very consiliatory and

Trump's demeanor very consiliatory and
pleasant towards the reporter. Perhaps

pleasant towards the reporter. Perhaps

pleasant towards the reporter. Perhaps
this is the new Trump.

this is the new Trump.

this is the new Trump.
>> I don't know if I could ever be as rough

>> I don't know if I could ever be as rough

>> I don't know if I could ever be as rough
as I was going to be tonight.

as I was going to be tonight.

as I was going to be tonight.
>> I was going to really rip it last night.

>> I was going to really rip it last night.

>> I was going to really rip it last night.
I was talking about everybody and then

I was talking about everybody and then

I was talking about everybody and then
they said, "Well, my speech is going to

they said, "Well, my speech is going to

they said, "Well, my speech is going to
be much different. It'll be a speech of

be much different. It'll be a speech of

be much different. It'll be a speech of
love."

love."

love."
>> Love,

his perspective has completely changed

his perspective has completely changed
until

until

until
see if you can spot the moment in the

see if you can spot the moment in the

see if you can spot the moment in the
Norah O'Donnell interview where Trump

Norah O'Donnell interview where Trump

Norah O'Donnell interview where Trump
decides, "Nah, that

decides, "Nah, that

decides, "Nah, that
>> the so-called manifesto is a stunning

>> the so-called manifesto is a stunning

>> the so-called manifesto is a stunning
thing to read, Mr. President. He appears

thing to read, Mr. President. He appears

thing to read, Mr. President. He appears
to reference a motive in it. He writes

to reference a motive in it. He writes

to reference a motive in it. He writes
this quote. Administration officials,

this quote. Administration officials,

this quote. Administration officials,
they are targets. And he also wrote

they are targets. And he also wrote

they are targets. And he also wrote
this. I am no longer willing to permit a

this. I am no longer willing to permit a

this. I am no longer willing to permit a
pedophile, rapist, and traitor to coat

pedophile, rapist, and traitor to coat

pedophile, rapist, and traitor to coat
my hands with his crimes.

Did you catch it?

Did you catch it?
He does one of those gym from the office

He does one of those gym from the office

He does one of those gym from the office
camera takes

remember that nice thing? Yeah. No. Now,

remember that nice thing? Yeah. No. Now,
TO BE FAIR TO TRUMP, WHY WOULD YOU READ

TO BE FAIR TO TRUMP, WHY WOULD YOU READ

TO BE FAIR TO TRUMP, WHY WOULD YOU READ
OUT loud the wouldbe assassins political

OUT loud the wouldbe assassins political

OUT loud the wouldbe assassins political
take? I think once you go vigilante, you

take? I think once you go vigilante, you

take? I think once you go vigilante, you
forfeit the platform. I'm sorry, but she

forfeit the platform. I'm sorry, but she

forfeit the platform. I'm sorry, but she
got the sound bite she was looking for.

got the sound bite she was looking for.

got the sound bite she was looking for.
>> Well, I was waiting for you to read that

>> Well, I was waiting for you to read that

>> Well, I was waiting for you to read that
because I knew you would because you're

because I knew you would because you're

because I knew you would because you're
you're horrible people. Horrible people.

you're horrible people. Horrible people.

you're horrible people. Horrible people.
Yeah, he did write that. Uh I'm I'm not

Yeah, he did write that. Uh I'm I'm not

Yeah, he did write that. Uh I'm I'm not
a rapist. I didn't rape anybody. Uh

a rapist. I didn't rape anybody. Uh

a rapist. I didn't rape anybody. Uh
>> oh, you think he was referring to you?

Oh Lord. I mean, I was just reading you

Oh Lord. I mean, I was just reading you
the assassin manifesto. I had I had no

the assassin manifesto. I had I had no

the assassin manifesto. I had I had no
idea. YOU WOULD THINK he was referring

idea. YOU WOULD THINK he was referring

idea. YOU WOULD THINK he was referring
to you.

to you.

to you.
Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy.
But you know what?

But you know what?

But you know what?
Maybe this is a moment where Trump will

Maybe this is a moment where Trump will

Maybe this is a moment where Trump will
rise up. These events clearly point out

rise up. These events clearly point out

rise up. These events clearly point out
that we have a problem in this country

that we have a problem in this country

that we have a problem in this country
at the nexus of mental health and the

at the nexus of mental health and the

at the nexus of mental health and the
availability of powerful weapons. And

availability of powerful weapons. And

availability of powerful weapons. And
maybe, just maybe, this sobering night

maybe, just maybe, this sobering night

maybe, just maybe, this sobering night
will spur a movement for some solutions.

will spur a movement for some solutions.

will spur a movement for some solutions.
>> We looked at all of the conditions that

>> We looked at all of the conditions that

>> We looked at all of the conditions that
took place tonight. And uh I didn't want

took place tonight. And uh I didn't want

took place tonight. And uh I didn't want
to say this.

to say this.

to say this.
>> I know what he's going to say. We need

>> I know what he's going to say. We need

>> I know what he's going to say. We need
to put a ton of money towards

to put a ton of money towards

to put a ton of money towards
mental health and getting illegal

mental health and getting illegal

mental health and getting illegal
weapons off the streets. That's what

weapons off the streets. That's what

weapons off the streets. That's what
he's going to say. Or I'm no mentalist.

he's going to say. Or I'm no mentalist.

he's going to say. Or I'm no mentalist.
Did you have

Did you have

Did you have
Did you Did you have something else in

Did you Did you have something else in

Did you Did you have something else in
mind?

mind?

mind?
>> It's actually a larger room and it's a

>> It's actually a larger room and it's a

>> It's actually a larger room and it's a
much more secure. It's got It's drone

much more secure. It's got It's drone

much more secure. It's got It's drone
proof. It's bulletproof glass. We need

proof. It's bulletproof glass. We need

proof. It's bulletproof glass. We need
the ballroom.

the ballroom.

the ballroom.
>> Yeah, that's a great solution uh to gun

>> Yeah, that's a great solution uh to gun

>> Yeah, that's a great solution uh to gun
violence um for you.

violence um for you.

violence um for you.
What about the unbalmed rest of us?

What about the unbalmed rest of us?

What about the unbalmed rest of us?
Malls, churches, schools,

Malls, churches, schools,

Malls, churches, schools,
synagogue, wherever. Not every town can

synagogue, wherever. Not every town can

synagogue, wherever. Not every town can
have a ballroom. Didn't you even see

have a ballroom. Didn't you even see

have a ballroom. Didn't you even see
Foot Loose?

A ballroom. That's the solution. That is

A ballroom. That's the solution. That is
the dumbesting idea I have ever heard.

the dumbesting idea I have ever heard.

the dumbesting idea I have ever heard.
No one is going to go along with that.

No one is going to go along with that.

No one is going to go along with that.
>> The ballroom will be a solution for

>> The ballroom will be a solution for

>> The ballroom will be a solution for
this.

this.

this.
>> I think we got to build that ballroom as

>> I think we got to build that ballroom as

>> I think we got to build that ballroom as
soon as possible.

soon as possible.

soon as possible.
>> The ballroom makes makes total sense.

>> The ballroom makes makes total sense.

>> The ballroom makes makes total sense.
>> A ballroom is imperative for a lot of

>> A ballroom is imperative for a lot of

>> A ballroom is imperative for a lot of
reasons.

reasons.

reasons.
>> The president needs the ballroom.

Let's build a ballroom and JUST ALL

Let's build a ballroom and JUST ALL
DANCE like no one's shooting.

But that was my jazz hands by the way.

But that was my jazz hands by the way.
That was that's that's as far as my

That was that's that's as far as my

That was that's that's as far as my
hands go jazz.

hands go jazz.

hands go jazz.
But back to the dinner itself. The

But back to the dinner itself. The

But back to the dinner itself. The
incident happened in a room full of

incident happened in a room full of

incident happened in a room full of
journalists and there was one fact the

journalists and there was one fact the

journalists and there was one fact the
media could report on with certainty.

media could report on with certainty.

media could report on with certainty.
They're heroes. You really saw the best

They're heroes. You really saw the best

They're heroes. You really saw the best
of the entire DC press corps on display.

of the entire DC press corps on display.

of the entire DC press corps on display.
Journalists who immediately sprung into

Journalists who immediately sprung into

Journalists who immediately sprung into
action to cover this historic moment.

action to cover this historic moment.

action to cover this historic moment.
>> Credit to the journalists, by the way,

>> Credit to the journalists, by the way,

>> Credit to the journalists, by the way,
who continue to do their jobs in that

who continue to do their jobs in that

who continue to do their jobs in that
room.

room.

room.
>> Thank goodness for all of us trying to

>> Thank goodness for all of us trying to

>> Thank goodness for all of us trying to
do our jobs.

do our jobs.

do our jobs.
>> The journalistic heroes of the evening.

>> You know, we should have an awards

>> You know, we should have an awards
dinner just for us.

dinner just for us.

dinner just for us.
You know what's a great place to do it?

You know what's a great place to do it?

You know what's a great place to do it?
The Hilton.

The Hilton.

The Hilton.
But

But

But
>> as always, one hero rose above them all.

>> as always, one hero rose above them all.

>> as always, one hero rose above them all.
>> Can we just give Wolf Blitzer some

>> Can we just give Wolf Blitzer some

>> Can we just give Wolf Blitzer some
praise and some credit?

praise and some credit?

praise and some credit?
>> And of course, you, Wolf, saw it closer

>> And of course, you, Wolf, saw it closer

>> And of course, you, Wolf, saw it closer
up than anybody else. And and we're so

up than anybody else. And and we're so

up than anybody else. And and we're so
glad you're okay and you did the

glad you're okay and you did the

glad you're okay and you did the
extraordinary journalism that you're

extraordinary journalism that you're

extraordinary journalism that you're
known for.

known for.

known for.
>> Thanks, Wolf. You are an international

>> Thanks, Wolf. You are an international

>> Thanks, Wolf. You are an international
treasure.

treasure.

treasure.
>> Wolf, you were the first to tell the

>> Wolf, you were the first to tell the

>> Wolf, you were the first to tell the
world what actually happened.

world what actually happened.

world what actually happened.
>> I have to say we are lucky that we have

>> I have to say we are lucky that we have

>> I have to say we are lucky that we have
a reporter like you who happen to bear

a reporter like you who happen to bear

a reporter like you who happen to bear
witness. You have uh some people who are

witness. You have uh some people who are

witness. You have uh some people who are
legends for a reason. Uh Wolf Blitz

legends for a reason. Uh Wolf Blitz

legends for a reason. Uh Wolf Blitz
Blitzer is one of those people.

>> Yes. Undoubtedly, the MVP of the news

>> Yes. Undoubtedly, the MVP of the news
turbation that was this weekend was

turbation that was this weekend was

turbation that was this weekend was
CNN's Wolf Blitzer. All right, Wolf,

CNN's Wolf Blitzer. All right, Wolf,

CNN's Wolf Blitzer. All right, Wolf,
walk us through the attack. We had just

walk us through the attack. We had just

walk us through the attack. We had just
finished the first course which was a

finished the first course which was a

finished the first course which was a
delicious salad. The president was uh

delicious salad. The president was uh

delicious salad. The president was uh
but uh uh after the first course which

but uh uh after the first course which

but uh uh after the first course which
was a good salad.

was a good salad.

was a good salad.
>> We had just finished appetizers.

>> Oh,

>> Oh,
this is dangerously blurring the line

this is dangerously blurring the line

this is dangerously blurring the line
between reporter and old man at event.

Uh we were The salad was delicious.

Uh we were The salad was delicious.
I'm sorry. What were you asking?

I'm sorry. What were you asking?

I'm sorry. What were you asking?
I'm sorry.

Let's we'll try and stay away from the

Let's we'll try and stay away from the
food stuff. Let's get back to the more

food stuff. Let's get back to the more

food stuff. Let's get back to the more
salient details.

salient details.

salient details.
>> And I walked away to go out to the men's

>> And I walked away to go out to the men's

>> And I walked away to go out to the men's
room.

room.

room.
>> I was going to go to the men's room,

>> I was going to go to the men's room,

>> I was going to go to the men's room,
which you had to go up one level of

which you had to go up one level of

which you had to go up one level of
stairs.

stairs.

stairs.
>> The men's room was outside the ballroom.

>> The men's room was outside the ballroom.

>> The men's room was outside the ballroom.
You had to go up uh one flight of stairs

You had to go up uh one flight of stairs

You had to go up uh one flight of stairs
to get there.

to get there.

to get there.
>> It's a good men's room. It's a

>> It's a good men's room. It's a

>> It's a good men's room. It's a
It's a spacious men's room. The urinals

It's a spacious men's room. The urinals

It's a spacious men's room. The urinals
are fine. Could use a grab bar if we're

are fine. Could use a grab bar if we're

are fine. Could use a grab bar if we're
being honest. I I like the men's room

being honest. I I like the men's room

being honest. I I like the men's room
where each sink has its own soap

where each sink has its own soap

where each sink has its own soap
dispenser. You get the ONE WHERE

dispenser. You get the ONE WHERE

dispenser. You get the ONE WHERE
EVERYBODY has to go as they're leaving.

EVERYBODY has to go as they're leaving.

EVERYBODY has to go as they're leaving.
It's a bottleneck.

It's a bottleneck.

It's a bottleneck.
It creates a

It creates a

It creates a
COME ON, BLITZER. WHAT HAPPENED? AS I'M

COME ON, BLITZER. WHAT HAPPENED? AS I'M

COME ON, BLITZER. WHAT HAPPENED? AS I'M
leaving the men's room to come back to

leaving the men's room to come back to

leaving the men's room to come back to
the ballroom, all of a sudden to my

the ballroom, all of a sudden to my

the ballroom, all of a sudden to my
left, uh, I hear gunshots. Boom. Boom.

left, uh, I hear gunshots. Boom. Boom.

left, uh, I hear gunshots. Boom. Boom.
>> The next thing I knew, a police officer

>> The next thing I knew, a police officer

>> The next thing I knew, a police officer
pushed me to the ground.

pushed me to the ground.

pushed me to the ground.
>> There we go. That's what I'm Now we're

>> There we go. That's what I'm Now we're

>> There we go. That's what I'm Now we're
in the That's what I'm talking

in the That's what I'm talking

in the That's what I'm talking
about. All right. What happened next?

about. All right. What happened next?

about. All right. What happened next?
>> One of my shoes came off and it took me

>> One of my shoes came off and it took me

>> One of my shoes came off and it took me
a while to find that shoe later. One of

a while to find that shoe later. One of

a while to find that shoe later. One of
my shoes fell off and now I have that

my shoes fell off and now I have that

my shoes fell off and now I have that
shoe back.

shoe back.

shoe back.
>> I was walking around for a while without

>> I was walking around for a while without

>> I was walking around for a while without
a shoe.

a shoe.

a shoe.
>> Oh my gosh.

>> Oh my gosh.

>> Oh my gosh.
>> It was just a sock. But you got it back.

>> It was just a sock. But you got it back.

>> It was just a sock. But you got it back.
You were doing Were you doing live shots

You were doing Were you doing live shots

You were doing Were you doing live shots
with just one shoe?

with just one shoe?

with just one shoe?
>> I was doing live shots with one shoe.

>> I was doing live shots with one shoe.

>> I was doing live shots with one shoe.
>> Wow.

>> Wow.

>> Wow.
>> NO.

>> NO.

>> NO.
FOCUS. DON'T GO. FIGHT IT, OLD MAN.

FOCUS. DON'T GO. FIGHT IT, OLD MAN.

FOCUS. DON'T GO. FIGHT IT, OLD MAN.
Fight it. But yeah, every journalist on

Fight it. But yeah, every journalist on

Fight it. But yeah, every journalist on
the scene last night was a bonafide

the scene last night was a bonafide

the scene last night was a bonafide
hero. And by the way, I'm including the

hero. And by the way, I'm including the

hero. And by the way, I'm including the
Daily Show in that and our own intrepid

Daily Show in that and our own intrepid

Daily Show in that and our own intrepid
reporter that we actually sent to that

reporter that we actually sent to that

reporter that we actually sent to that
dinner. Triumph the insult comic dog who

dinner. Triumph the insult comic dog who

dinner. Triumph the insult comic dog who
is on the red carpet for the White House

is on the red carpet for the White House

is on the red carpet for the White House
correspondents dinner trying to get

correspondents dinner trying to get

correspondents dinner trying to get
interviews along with the rest of the

interviews along with the rest of the

interviews along with the rest of the
press. Can't miss Triumph the Insult

press. Can't miss Triumph the Insult

press. Can't miss Triumph the Insult
Comic Dog trying to

Comic Dog trying to

Comic Dog trying to
cracking some jokes. No doubt at

cracking some jokes. No doubt at

cracking some jokes. No doubt at
Secretary Rubio.

Secretary Rubio.

Secretary Rubio.
>> Why is Triumph here?

>> Why is Triumph here?

>> Why is Triumph here?
>> I am I am covering the red carpet. And I

>> I am I am covering the red carpet. And I

>> I am I am covering the red carpet. And I
don't mean Jen Saki.

To talk more about his experience,

To talk more about his experience,
please welcome our own intrepid

please welcome our own intrepid

please welcome our own intrepid
reporter, Triumph, the insult comic dog.

reporter, Triumph, the insult comic dog.

reporter, Triumph, the insult comic dog.
Thank you very much. Thank you very

Thank you very much. Thank you very

Thank you very much. Thank you very
much. Look at that. Look at that. Thank

much. Look at that. Look at that. Thank

much. Look at that. Look at that. Thank
you so much. Nice to see you.

you so much. Nice to see you.

you so much. Nice to see you.
>> Oh, yes. So, so, so Triumph.

>> Oh, yes. So, so, so Triumph.

>> Oh, yes. So, so, so Triumph.
>> Yes. John, h how do you feel uh after

>> Yes. John, h how do you feel uh after

>> Yes. John, h how do you feel uh after
being at this dinner on Saturday? Well,

being at this dinner on Saturday? Well,

being at this dinner on Saturday? Well,
you know, John, I'm not the person who

you know, John, I'm not the person who

you know, John, I'm not the person who
likes to throw around the word hero,

likes to throw around the word hero,

likes to throw around the word hero,
BUT AFTER SATURDAY, I CAN'T help not

BUT AFTER SATURDAY, I CAN'T help not

BUT AFTER SATURDAY, I CAN'T help not
only throw it around, but put it on a

only throw it around, but put it on a

only throw it around, but put it on a
metal and have it printed at Staples.

metal and have it printed at Staples.

metal and have it printed at Staples.
>> It's it's it's quite impressive.

>> It's it's it's quite impressive.

>> It's it's it's quite impressive.
>> That's 100% golden rod, John.

>> That's 100% golden rod, John.

>> That's 100% golden rod, John.
>> No, I can see that.

>> No, I can see that.

>> No, I can see that.
>> Take a look. Look at that.

>> Take a look. Look at that.

>> Take a look. Look at that.
>> I look I understand it was a traumatic

>> I look I understand it was a traumatic

>> I look I understand it was a traumatic
evening.

evening.

evening.
>> Yes. But you got to admit hero is a

>> Yes. But you got to admit hero is a

>> Yes. But you got to admit hero is a
little bit much. Yes.

little bit much. Yes.

little bit much. Yes.
>> Oh, so what? Wolf Blitzer's a hero? Oh,

>> Oh, so what? Wolf Blitzer's a hero? Oh,

>> Oh, so what? Wolf Blitzer's a hero? Oh,
he reported without one shoe.

he reported without one shoe.

he reported without one shoe.
>> SERIOUSLY, MAN. I'M OUT THERE WITH MY

>> SERIOUSLY, MAN. I'M OUT THERE WITH MY

>> SERIOUSLY, MAN. I'M OUT THERE WITH MY
BALLS HANGING OUT.

BALLS HANGING OUT.

BALLS HANGING OUT.
>> Were you worried about, to be honest,

>> Were you worried about, to be honest,

>> Were you worried about, to be honest,
getting killed?

getting killed?

getting killed?
>> Yes, but mostly because I didn't want

>> Yes, but mostly because I didn't want

>> Yes, but mostly because I didn't want
RFK Jr. to eat my carcass.

RFK Jr. to eat my carcass.

RFK Jr. to eat my carcass.
It's not THE WAY YOU WANT TO GO, JOHN.

It's not THE WAY YOU WANT TO GO, JOHN.

It's not THE WAY YOU WANT TO GO, JOHN.
NOT THE WAY YOU WANT TO GO.

NOT THE WAY YOU WANT TO GO.

NOT THE WAY YOU WANT TO GO.
>> But you know, I have to tell you the

>> But you know, I have to tell you the

>> But you know, I have to tell you the
larger issue, yes,

larger issue, yes,

larger issue, yes,
>> that we

>> that we

>> that we
>> the larger issue we continue to have is

>> the larger issue we continue to have is

>> the larger issue we continue to have is
gun violence and no effort to pass

gun violence and no effort to pass

gun violence and no effort to pass
legislation to stop it.

legislation to stop it.

legislation to stop it.
>> John, John, John, please don't do this.

>> John, John, John, please don't do this.

>> John, John, John, please don't do this.
Don't politicize a political event.

Don't politicize a political event.

Don't politicize a political event.
>> I'm not It's not I'm not politicizing

>> I'm not It's not I'm not politicizing

>> I'm not It's not I'm not politicizing
it, Trump. It is a fact. It is a fact

it, Trump. It is a fact. It is a fact

it, Trump. It is a fact. It is a fact
that in America, another event is ruined

that in America, another event is ruined

that in America, another event is ruined
by gun violence. And we're lucky this

by gun violence. And we're lucky this

by gun violence. And we're lucky this
time. No, I'm gonna keep talking. It's

time. No, I'm gonna keep talking. It's

time. No, I'm gonna keep talking. It's
No, I'm I'm not I'm not I'm not

I John,

I John,
now is not the time.

now is not the time.

now is not the time.
Now is not the time. Can I ask you a

Now is not the time. Can I ask you a

Now is not the time. Can I ask you a
question? Did you wipe your feet when

question? Did you wipe your feet when

question? Did you wipe your feet when
you came in?

you came in?

you came in?
Uh, I use the same bathroom as Wolf

Uh, I use the same bathroom as Wolf

Uh, I use the same bathroom as Wolf
Blitzer.

>> Clearly, you're still you're still

>> Clearly, you're still you're still
traumatized.

traumatized.

traumatized.
>> Yes. I went through so much.

>> Yes. I went through so much.

>> Yes. I went through so much.
>> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes.
>> I contacted HR and told them I'm going

>> I contacted HR and told them I'm going

>> I contacted HR and told them I'm going
to need an emotional support dog.

to need an emotional support dog.

to need an emotional support dog.
>> Yes. Preferably a poodle who's into butt

>> Yes. Preferably a poodle who's into butt

>> Yes. Preferably a poodle who's into butt
stuff.

stuff.

stuff.
You know, a lot of people bring up uh

You know, a lot of people bring up uh

You know, a lot of people bring up uh
the fact that we do also have a hate

the fact that we do also have a hate

the fact that we do also have a hate
speech problem in this country. Do you

speech problem in this country. Do you

speech problem in this country. Do you
think it's time we all take a look in

think it's time we all take a look in

think it's time we all take a look in
the mirror? You know, there is talk

the mirror? You know, there is talk

the mirror? You know, there is talk
about how we have to take the

about how we have to take the

about how we have to take the
temperature down and then we have to

temperature down and then we have to

temperature down and then we have to
Yeah. Yeah.

>> I have like five more jokes to get

>> I have like five more jokes to get
through.

through.

through.
>> Then you can talk about temperature.

>> Then you can talk about temperature.

>> Then you can talk about temperature.
>> All right. What else you have?

>> All right. What else you have?

>> All right. What else you have?
>> As I was saying, John,

>> As I was saying, John,

>> As I was saying, John,
>> it was dramatic.

>> it was dramatic.

>> it was dramatic.
Everything is still so fresh. ALL THESE

Everything is still so fresh. ALL THESE

Everything is still so fresh. ALL THESE
SOUNDS ARE STILL IN my ears. The firing

SOUNDS ARE STILL IN my ears. The firing

SOUNDS ARE STILL IN my ears. The firing
of the bullets, the commands OF THE

of the bullets, the commands OF THE

of the bullets, the commands OF THE
SECRET SERVICE, THE SATISFIED MOANS OF

SECRET SERVICE, THE SATISFIED MOANS OF

SECRET SERVICE, THE SATISFIED MOANS OF
CASH PATEL'S GIRLFRIEND COMING FROM THE

CASH PATEL'S GIRLFRIEND COMING FROM THE

CASH PATEL'S GIRLFRIEND COMING FROM THE
CLOSET.

>> WELL, thank you so much, Tri. We'll have

>> WELL, thank you so much, Tri. We'll have
your full report on the show tomorrow.

your full report on the show tomorrow.

your full report on the show tomorrow.
Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.
>> You're really disgusting. You know,

>> You're really disgusting. You know,

>> You're really disgusting. You know,
you've aged horribly. YOU LOOK JEWER

you've aged horribly. YOU LOOK JEWER

you've aged horribly. YOU LOOK JEWER
THAN EVER. It's so sad. It's really

THAN EVER. It's so sad. It's really

THAN EVER. It's so sad. It's really
awful.