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Screw your whistle and the pea inside of it and the farmer who planted that pea...

...and the tractor he is driving...

...and the mechanic who fixes that tractor and the overall he wears...

Match is about to end! Finish your sentence already.

-Penalty! -Penalty!

He scored, he scored. He couldn’t, he fell. We are screwed.

Who is that?

Since you haven't paid off your debts we are seizing club's assests.

How come? We were about to shoot a penalty.

Take the ball. That ball belongs to the club. Take a record of it.

-Has the seizure begun? -It has.

Doganspor team members stay, the rest can leave.

Seize the jerseys as well.

Come on guys, take it off.

Be quick.

Take your shorts and cleats off as well.

I can’t believe this.

Isn’t the president picking up the phone?

He is not.

That pimp ran away after he burdened the club with debts.

-If you are done, document everything that has been seized.

-Yes sir.

Such a shame.

Loser.

-Well done. -This is right up your alley.

What are you talking about?

-He has no idea what is going on. -What is going on?

-Are you the hodja from Of? -What the fuck?

Get out of my way.

I won’t be a candidate.

I won’t. You can’t force me.

I won’t be a candidate.

Come on hodja.

You sweated with this team’s jersey as well.

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF DOGANSPOR SOCCER CLUB

Do they present him as a candidate?

-As a candidate. -As a candidate.

-They present him to me? -To you?

This is outrageous.

He has no idea about footballl.

He wasn’t even in the team for his last hurrah.

He wasn’t even allowed to play football on a playground.

Was hodja left footed?

No dear Idris, he wasn’t left footed....

...he was an imbecile.

He couldn’t use any of his feet.

He was kicking the ball with his ass.

I have been that team’s goalkeeper for 14 years. I have never conceded a goal.

You have been a benchwarmer for 14 years, idiot.

This doesn’t change the fact that he hasn't conceded a goal for 14 years.

Once I jumped the gun at a practice match. Coach kicked me out of the team.

What was I supposed to do?

You are wrong.

You jumped the gun when you came to life.

That was wrong.

You know what was the best transfer of our team back then?

Letting him go.

He has no idea about football.

It is my turn to laugh.

When I become the president of this team,...

...everyone will see how much I know about football.

But don’t worry, I won’t keep you away from football.

What are you going to do with this guy?

I don’t know Idris. He might come in handy later on.

If he can’t do anything, I will make him a cheerleader.

He will be good for something instrad of talking nonsense.

He can’t shepherd 3 sheeps, how can he be the president of this club...

...with his ass licker?

You criticize him but you don’t become a candidate.

What have we done to you? You haven’t been to the mosque for a while.

You are neither an imam nor a president.

-I won’t. -Why?

Why?

Didn’t I say, if a phone rings in a mosque,...

...it will be a sin and that you should be afraid of God?

You did.

-Did it ring? -It did.

Did I say I would shove the phone up your ass if it rang again?

You did.

-Did it ring again? -It didn’t.

What does this mean?

This nation’s fear of ass overcame the fear of God.

This means you don’t need an imam.

Hodja, I don’t get it...

...are you going to be a president or what?

-I won’t. -What about our players?

Screw you all.

-Excuse me? -Fuck off.

-Hello. -Hello. Premium?

No, we don’t need fuel. I am going to ask you something.

Give me the list of 100 important places you should visit in Trabzon after you die.

-After you die? -Yes.

-Places you should visit? -Yes. Important places.

I don’t know what to say to you.

-You should definitely check out the bench where the corpse is washed. -How come?

Next, you can visit the straight path with its heavenly view.

-That's deep bro. -There are great cafes by the Hell brook...

...you should definitely stop by there. My deceased uncle is managing the place.

Okay, we will stop by.

And you shouldn’t miss the bottom of hell.

This tour including shroud and cotton that goes up your ass is only 200 euros.

Get the hell out of here! Are you making fun of me, you dumb fucks?

He was a great man.

He died in Germany.

We were going to come with him but we couldn’t.

It was his last will.

He couldn’t come when he was alive so we thought we should bring his corpse here.

-Who was the deceased? -Who was he?

He was like a saint.

He was the fouth player of Rummikub, he was the goalkeeper on the artificial turf...

...he was kirves of youngsters and best man of elders.

I got you bro. May God bless his soul.

But there is three of you. You need a fourth for the coffin.

This car can’t enter everywhere.

Wait for me. I am coming.

Come on, come on.

-Thank you my child. -Good appetite.

If you don’t come to me, I will come to your door...

...the one, who doesn’t let me be with you, should die now.

-Kadir. -I’ve missed you so much, Nur.

Go out to the balcony so I can see your beautiful face.

-Where are you Kadir? -I am right in front of you.

-Kadir, do you love me this much? -You can’t imagine.

I swear on my mother and grandmother,

I miss you when I don’t see you for ten minutes.

Why didn’t you come to the bekery to buy bread?

How can I come? My hadji aunt came from Akcaabat.

Doesn’t hadji aunt get out?

Dad, when did you roost there?

You teacher said “Your son is smart but he is not studying.”

He couldn’t have said “Your son is studying but he is an idiot.”

Don’t make me work at a greengrocery!

I will study and get into the Eurasia University.

You will get into the Eurasia University?

You even flunked out of a traffic course.

How can you get into the Eurasia University?

Tell me the vehicles which have priority in traffic?

Akcaabat minibuses?

I will slap you in the face then you'll see about buses and minibuses.

In which war did Murat the First die?

In his last war.

We are going to the greengrocery.

Are you kidding me?

Actually, he is right.

Walk, walk.

All women started looking like that football player Yattara.

I brought you an apprentice.

Don’t spare the rod.

Have a nice day.

-Asiye. -What?

What’s going on? Uncle Ali Osman is chopping wood on a summer day.

He is horny. He can’t let his energy out.

Since hodja is a man of God,...

...he makes his father chop woods to take the edge of his desires.

Thanks to him, there are no forests left in the county. Horny toad!

That’s too bad. Marry him off to someone.

He married seven times and buried them all. Who would be his eight wife?

-You didn’t buy bread in the evening. – Kadir.

What?

Take your father and go to the coffee house to watch TV.

We will have a ladies’ night.

Leave him alone, he is chopping wood.

Come on.

It is starting.

Hodja,...

...my installments have piled up. I have spent too much lately.

-I got it, I am not going to swear. -Exactly.

Hello everybody and welcome to “Ask Hodja” show.

We are here again after a two week manditory break.

-Yes hodja. -Ladies and gentlemen...

...after going through your online questions...

...we concluded that our nation is tested by technology.

For example a genius asks me, “Hodja, I have been poked on facebook by 4 people...

...I feel like Fatmagul, should I come clean?"

“I copied all the prayers on a flash drive, if I hang that around my neck,

...will it be counted as a prayer box necklace?"

Ummiye, I am not saying this because he is my husband

but only a scholar can know this much.

You are confused.

For example, your phone rings in the most awkward moments.

That woman’s laughter will make a man take a cold shower.

Let’s turn the ringer off.

He couldn’t turn off the ringer.

I wouldn’t let him be anywhere near that woman.

Someone should stick a rat just as she opens her mouth to laugh.

Whatever you say, she is a beautiful woman.

Don’t get too confused.

Let our test with technology may serve a good purpose.

Hodja’s reputation preceded him.

What if he gets surrounded by beautiful women?

My wonderful girls!

Hopefully, we will have beautiful days.

We are here with our hodja whose beauty is truly startling. How wonderful!

Every time I see you, it feels like the first. How wonderful!

Please get up...

...let them see your figure.

Your height, your figure, your beauty are God given. How wonderful!

My beautiful girls dance beautifully as well, they know all the dances.

But now I will show you folkloric dance from Ankara.

You will learn that as well.

Don’t get me confused.

Whatever!

Any questions?

-Hodja, good evening. -Good evening.

In the previous show, you said apocalypse will happen with the evening azan.

Well done, you have been paying attention.

What is going to happen to the ones in the US

when it is time for the evening azan here?

They are none of your business, you save your own ass.

Yes, we have another guest.

Ask.

Hodja, my friend and I like hunting.

A snake bit my friend’s...

...I am sorry to be saying this but he bit his penis.

I either had to suck the venom out or let my friend die.

I decided to go with the first option since I am afraid of committing a sin.

I can’t look at anyone in the village.

Aren't they committing a sin against me now?

I am sorry to hear that. You are the victim of a friend.

You should have cut and thrown it away, why did you suck it?

Hodja!

I see the root of your mouth more than I see your face.

For God’s sake, please! I am taking the name of God.

We have laughed so much, we will cry later on.

After all these laughters, you need to cry nonstop until the age of 73.

-Hodja. -Yes.

Can we start praying from whichever rakah we want?

Sure. Skip the rakah you can’t perform.

If there is time left, you will come back to it.

The line is not going through.

How many people are calling this show?

Many people love him.

Lines would be down back in the days. That’s what I heard.

Did you like it so much?

Why are you saying that?

I will make him feel so down that...

...nobody will be able to appease him.

Hodja, where should I face when I get undressed

and go into the lake to perform ablution?

Face where you left your clothes.

-Hodja, hodja. -Go ahead.

People are obligated to get married but animals aren’t. Why is that?

For example, cattles.

There is only one bull in our village...

...but he gets lucky with all the cattles.

They don’t get married, how come?

If we place your brain in a bird, that bird will fly backwards.

If you are really asking me this question,

you are not obligated to get married either.

Find a bull. You don’t need to get married to him.

Hodja, hodja.

I coudn’t pay my natural gas bill this month.

Predict the score of a match so I can make money.

Can you guess the score of Fener and Trabzon soccer match?

It will end in a draw.

Yes. We have another guest.

-Hodja. -Go ahead.

Hodja, my friends and I were really impressed by...

-...your speech about technology. -Well done.

Hodja, I want to raise awareness of an important issue in our country.

Well done my child.

There is this Trabzon high school in the city center.

Yes.

-If you turn your back to it... -Yes.

...and walk about hundred meters...

...you will see a high voltage power line with tall poles.

-Do you know those hodja? -Yes I do.

May those shove it up your ass.

This is my test with technology.

I am sorry dear Sebahat but...

....fuck this channel and this show of yours.

-You will get the channel shut down. -I don’t care if they shut it down.

Screw them if they don’t.

Nobody asks me a decent question.

Who should I ask?

You turned this channel into a nuthouse.

See I told you, I was going to bring him down...

...and I did. I got the channel shut down as well.

You are like FCC.

Metin, your father called. You have become a business man.

Let’s hope for the best.

How much do you make in a week?

50 liras. Small businesses are finished.

I will talk to my father as well.

I missed you.

What is going on my child?

Nothing.

If you are drinking the wine of love and you should,...

...you need to be careful...

...where and whom you are drinking it with.

Wine is the same wine but...

...if you drink it on the road you will get drunk.

If you drink it by a fireplace...

...you will be a romantic.

If you drink it under the sun, you will be screwed.

Have you stayed under the sun for too long?

Are you in love with the impossible?

Don’t be sad.

-Did Romeo give up on Juliet? -He didn’t.

-Didn't Adam follow Eve? -He did.

Was Antony afraid of fighting for Cleopatra?

He wasn’t.

-How about blond Recep from Tonya? -Who is blond Recep from Tonya?

You don’t know him, right?

He gave up on his love right away.

He said there was no problem. He is still chopping wood.

Doganspor soccer club will make you proud...

...it is coming soon.

That mandate will be brought to this table.

-Welcome. -People have gone mad Asiye.

You are not taking it easy either. You got the channel shut down.

Don’t you see? They must have added viagra to drinking water.

People’s minds are in their underwears. They look at earth from there.

If you ask them, “What do you expect from life?”

They would say, “There is Pluto in our galaxy,

that woman’s underwear is sexy.

Do I look like I provide technical support?

Why do all the malfunctioned ones find me?

I am going to bed.

Pull up at a convenient side of the road.

What is it, president?

What was I saying?

You shouted, “The future is in the skies” then you sang a folk song.

-Really? -You sang it well.

It is getting late.

We will drive you home.

No way!

I drop all you had drunk...

...in my ear.

I will take the alcohol they had drunk...

...in the bar next door to go.

Give the president a round of applause.

Well done president!

He fell.

Asiye, don’t you hear it?

Stop.

I will ask you something.

Where is the house of contractor Ahmet?

You are contractor Ahmet.

Stop.

Did I ask you who contractor Ahmet was?

I asked you where his house was.

Get lost!

Where did he go at this hour?

Lift your foot while you are peeing.

Did a coup happen?

That prick played a joke on me.

-Hello. -Hello.

Who are you? It is the middle of the night.

What was that?

My head is aching.

-Where is Nur? -She went to the bakery to buy bread.

Which bakery?

Bakery of hodja’s?

No way. She went to another bakery.

Don’t make me nervous.

You won’t buy a bread or a bagel or a breadstick...

...not even a bread crumb from that guy.

-Got it? -Got it.

Be careful, go easy on the peel.

Didn’t you buy nine loaves of bread yesterday?

When did you finish those?

I am eating them.

Hodja is the president, Doganspor is the champion!

Hodja is the president, Doganspor is the champion!

What are you doing?

I will smash your head with this peel. Put me down!

Put me down.

What president? Put me down!

Well done Idris, congratulations.

You are being a lazy ass and doing nothing.

Don’t say that, my president.

Fucking hodja.

You are still looking, do something İdris.

Dude!

Well done, you fixed everything by yelling “dude”.

What am I supposed to do, my president?

-What happened to the car? -It is slipping.

-Where is it slipping? -It is slipping upwards.

To hell with the car!

Some people should see the flood of emotions and undefinable enthusiasm.

We just fired the guns, when was he put into a coffin?

Hold on, move off!

Screw the guy who caused this mess and

the midwife who warmed water before he was born...

...and the motorcycle which carried that gas tube to warm water...

...and that filling station attendant who pumped gas in his motorcycle’s tank...

...and the factory that manifactured his shoes...

...and the dam that carries electricity to that factory...

...and that engineer who lifted the power switch--

I won’t let you become a president.

To hell with you and your presidency!

If you had some intelligence, you would be an imbecile.

Please help us carry him.

We thought there was only one candidate, are there three of them now?

Who are you? Is there another candidate?

-Screw this election! -My sentiments exactly.

Brother Ahmet, I am not a candidate.

Hodja, I need to tell you something.

-This is not the right time. -Please hodja.

I beg you for God’s sake.

We couldn’t hold a funeral. Can you help us out?

The other hodja was on sick leave. We didn’t know what to do.

-How was the deceased? -He was a good man.

He was an ass.

-How was the deceased? -He was a good man.

He was a bastard.

-How was the deceased? -He was a good man.

I will shit right in the middle of his face.

-Do you give your blessings? -We do.

That’s my blessing.

-Do you give your blessings? -We do.

If he has my blessing, let it come out of his ass.

Give your blessing, fucker.

Hodja, I owe him some money. He got angry at me...

...and said if I had died, he wouldn’t have given his blessings to me.

We played a joke on him. We tested him.

If I really die, this faggot won’t give his blessings to me.

Hakki, Hakki.

If you didn’t die, give your blessings to me

otherwise I won’t give my blessings to you.

Screw your joke.

Hit him.

Walk, walk, walk.

He passed out.

He is joking.

-Hodja. -What?

-I am sorry but I will ask you something. -Go ahead.

How much does it cost to wash a corpse?

If he is really dead, it costs 200 liras. If he has passed out, he can’t be washed.

If you are joking, I will fuck your grandma.

-What are you carrying? -We are carrying dowry.

Hodja, 200 liras is too much.

They are washing a 20 meter long truck for 20 liras.

What is the difference?

We plug it up with cotton, they plug it up with threadwaste.

Who said, “Shouldn’t the deceased get some fresh village air?”

Our new march is ready, right?

It is. It is written, composed and arranged by me.

-Come on. -You are ready?

Give me a D minor.

-And two, three, four, five, six-- -Cut the crap, Idris.

Three.

There are all kinds of presidents but I will die for Ahmet.

Hodja became my enemy because I love Ahmet.

My Ahmet, my kind president.

My Ahmet, my beautiful fellow.

My Ahmet, my beautiful fellow.

My Ahmet, my fellow.

Stop, stop.

-This is a fucked up march. -Fucked up.

Yes, fucked up.

Idris, are you turned on by me?

Dude, you don’t mention Doganspor not even once in this march.

Get out, get out!

-Doganspor-- -Fuck off!

I got it uncle Ali Osman.

Get over there and unbotton your pants. I will examine you.

You wait outside.

-I unbottoned my pants. -Drop your pants.

Other doctors tell me to take my shirt off and lie down on the gurney.

You tell me to drop my pants.

This is how it is done uncle Ali Osman. Drop them.

Why don’t you examine me on the gurney?

I can’t check your prostate on a gurney.

Lower your underwear.

Doctor has bad intentions.

Come on uncle Ali Osman. Turn your back and lower them.

Don’t clench.

If you clench your muscles, you will hurt yourself.

I am complaining about my urine but you are examining irrelevant places.

Prostate exam is an internal examination of the rectum, uncle Ali Osman.

Listen to me. Relax, don’t clench.

Do you remember uncle Ali Osman...

...when I was little, my ball was kicked into your nut garden.

You pulled my ear.

You had hurt me so much.

Do you remember?

Your grandma...

Don’t clench, relax. It will hurt less.

I am checking out your prostate now.

I am asking him if he is alright.

I am asking him if he is full or empty.

Done.

It is done but I am screwed.

Doctor, please don’t tell others how you examine.

Thank you anyway.

Don’t worry uncle Ali Osman. I won’t tell anyone.

How is your mother?

My mother passed away last year uncle Ali Osman.

My condolences.

She must have died out of misery.

She probably thought her son was a doctor.

-Welcome. -Thank you.

-How is your grandma? -She is fine.

-Your mother? -She is fine, too.

Send my regards.

Don’t worry.

Miss Meryem, is alum ready? My dad has been so horny.

It is ready.

-How much is this? -15 liras.

-Get well soon. -Excuse me?

Get well soon Mr. Ali Osman.

Thank you.

There is nothing to do about it. My son has prostatitis.

Isn’t there a restroom around here?

A father’s heart can’t bare to see his son shitting in open space.

I will hold it dad. Don’t worry.

He is like a sprinkler which goes off all the time.

It took him so long to talk about his pee.

-Walk, damn it walk! -Let’s get going. Take care.

Bye.

1 lira.

Okay.

Hello.

What?

Local or foreign.

Local.

Junk.

Private parts.

Only junk.

Head.

President. You are asking if I am becoming a president.

I am not.

Hello.

Give me one of those melons.

My head doesn’t function until I eat some melon.

What is this gethammel? Melon from Kirkagac?

-Yes dad. -Give me two of those.

Give them to me.

How much do they cost?

20.

22.

And a half.

Make it 22 or 23. You will get on my nerves one day...

...and I will slap you into next week.

Ugly ass mofo.

Take this.

Keep that.

Good appetite dad. It is payback time.

Come, come to gethammel melon.

Hello.

It is God’s greeting, what’s going on?

Hello.

This is a sign of prickness.

Hello.

There goes another prick!

Shitbag, wanker.

Hello.

Yuksel, get me some tea.

I am out of tea.

-Linden tea? -I don’t sell it.

-Kool-aid? -I don’t like it.

-Kephir? -I don’t use it.

-Cappuccino? -Why?

I wanted to be annoying.

That shitbag is giving me attitude.

My fellow citizens!

You know I made my candidacy public...

...before tail wags the dog.

Applause!

If you vote for me...

...Doganspor soccer club will be small Barcelona.

Applause!

What is Barcelona?

-Shit! -Applause!

-Shit! -Applause!

Barcelona will be small Doganspor.

Applause!

Guys, according to recent news...

...Samuel Eto’o is finished.

Screw that.

Applause, applause!

Take this.

Add some more.

Add more so that he doesn’t get hyped up.

If I add some more, my father in law will be my mother in law.

Don’t worry. Add some more.

-Ok, fine. -Mix it.

Okay, go inside. Play it cool.

-Did you mark it? -I did. In my mind.

This one is with alum, this one is regular.

This one is with alum, this one is regular.

Enough, enough. I am not eating anymore.

Let him eat.

What are you doing?

Ali Osman.

Don’t look at me like that Asiye...

...with that much alum, even a car jack won’t lift.

Ummiye is coming tomorrow, I will have to wet my hair again.

It is not getting up.

-Limp dick. -Limp dick?

Ahmet...

...you are a candidate, it is fine...

...but why do you want to become a president?

Being a president is prestigious.

Being a president means having important friends.

You...

-...will be the first lady. -First lady my ass!

You will act like one from now on.

You won’t interfere with common people.

I don’t want to name people in the middle of this bed...

...and offend anyone but...

...you will stay away from people like Asiye.

-Got it? -Got it.

Well done.

Good night!

He can't get enough of it.

Kadir, I wish we could always be together.

We will. What were you thinking?

Choke on it, if you go to that mansion and drink tea without me.

What are you talking about?

A sip of tea I drink without you may water my grave.

You love talking nonsense. Give me your hand.

-Why did we come here, Zeki? -Why?

He used to love drinking tea here.

He would call from Germany and ask for tea.

Shouldn’t he drink a glass of tea now that we are here?

Bro, what is gethammel?

It is a melon that gets you hammered. Get-ham-mel.

-How much is the 35 cl? -20.

Give me one.

-Asiye. -What?

Your hair is wet again.

Hodja is being naughty.

Ummiye, I can’t breathe.

This is more than a melon, this is like Turkish delight.

No problem.

I didn’t deserve any of this, Asiye.

-What didn’t you deserve? -I don’t remember now.

But I didn’t deserve any of this.

I should have bought that red dress.

-Which red dress? -Which red dress?

I feel so hot.

Asiye...

...this air condition squeaks like a car.

What are we going to do about Nur and Kadir?

While our men are scuffling, they get caught up in the middle...

...we can’t unite the lovers.

Okay.

First, we need to ask for her hand in marriage.

What if they don’t give her away?

We will ask for hand in marriage from you.

If we don’t give her, we’ll kidnap her.

What?

If we don’t give her, let’s run away Asiye.

-Should I cut the other melon? -Come on.

-Then we will go to the bazaar. -We will.

It is so hot.

Asiye...

...what is wrong with this air condition? Now it squeaks like a TV.

My head.

-Shall we take a selfie, Idris? -Selfie, with the president?

Give me your phone, president!

Screw this poster on the wall and the constructor who built it...

...and the tree of which this handle of throwel is made of...

...and beak of the bird that roosts on that branch--

Hold on for a second. You can finish your sentence later on.

You are our only hope.

I don’t get it, what am I?

Jedi mind trick the hodja!

Hodja should try the patience of Ahmet.

Umit, if you pull this off, I will buy your season tickets of Avni Aker.

-Really? -Yes.

Okay.

Okay, okay. We will see.

Are you crazy?

What happened to them?

Ummiye!

Ahmet, blow on it.

I will blow on you once we get home. Don’t worry.

What is up with you?

You smell like as if you had soaked in vodka.

-Did you drink Asiye? -No Ahmet, Mr. Alcohol!

Don’t shout!

I got it.

Get a hold of yourself!

What is going on? Are you hot and heavy?

You are a filthy drunk.

Didn’t I tell you not to get involved with common people?

I am not.

Is that so?

She is going crazy because her husband is not running as a candidate.

It is not that he can’t, he won’t.

That’s what she is saying. Yeah right!

Asiye.

If you get angry with someone, take a deep breath.

-You won’t become a president, hodja? -I won’t.

Contractor Ahmet is telling the truth.

What did he say?

He said you didn’t know shit about football.

What the hell is he talking about? I even trained a team.

He says you can’t even train your private parts.

I won’t be a president. Don’t push me.

He said you didn't have the guts.

-Enough. -He said it wasn’t enough.

He said he would stick his hand up your ass and...

...you would walk around looking like a jug. He said you should smarten up.

If you are still angry, count from 1 to 10.

10. What are you saying, dickhead?

I can’t get the key out.

Hodja.

What are you doing?

I will kiss you.

My golden haired, rosy cheeked man.

My corn flour man.

I love that belly of yours.

Are you crazy? What are you doing?

My father will see us. Look what you are doing in the middle of the house.

Have you been drinking? Are you drunk?

Hodja...

...I threw up in the sink in our bedroom.

What? There is no sink in our bedroom.

No problem.

Are you going to be a candidate?

-I said I wouldn't. -You will.

-I won’t. -You will.

You won’t bring disgrace on me.

I will persuade you.

What are you doing?

-Won’t you run as a candidate? -I won’t.

-You will. -I won’t.

You will.

Then go and whet the spare axe.

You will chop woods with your father until you run as a candidate.

When hodja was young and had no sense.

He took a whiz on an electric fence.

Fine, change it!

It stung his dick and shocked his balls...

...and made him shit in his overalls.

Fine, go on!

Let’s get contractor Ahmet elected...

...if hodja runs as a candidate, may his ass be appreciated.

Go on!

The result of this election is already known,...

...the will of the people has clearly been shown.

Let’s get together with contractor Ahmet,...

...so this bitterness may pass and hodja can kiss my ass.

Come on.

Are you coming to buy bread in the evening?

Kadir, am I always going to come to this bakery to see you?

What else can we do?

Kadir, I have tons of bread at home.

There is no place to store them anymore.

I have been eating bread from morning to evening.

I already weigh 200 pounds.

You are exaggerating.

-Kadir. -What?

You need to ask for my hand in marriage.

-How are your mothers? -They are fine.

-Send my regards. -We will.

Uncle Ali Osman.

-Welcome. -Thank you.

Uncle Ali Osman, hodja is not running as a candidate.

You know how stubborn he is.

-Team is in trouble. -What is going on?

Come and and see for yourself.

Go ahead.

He already let go off the youth football team.

Uncle Ali Osman, children are playing on the street.

Do you see these houses, uncle Ali Osman?

Contractor Ahmet got them built...

...two years ago.

If the houses he constructs are in this condition,...

...God knows what will happen to the team he will be managing.

We wanted you to see it for yourself uncle Ali Osman.

He is not interested in becoming a president,

he's interested in this building.

Exactly.

He might even name our country as Republic of Contractor Ahmet.

Everyone is talking about...

...the matches he already fixed.

What did you say?

Say something to your son, uncle Ali Osman.

Only you can persuade him.

Got it, got it.

Get out.

-I have to talk to you. -What’s up?

I still remember season 1983-84.

Trabzon was a champion with 50 points.

All 50 points were halal.

You will be the president of Doganspor.

-Don’t ask that from me. -I am not asking.

As your father I am ordering you.

Dad please! I am angry with these people.

People are out of joint.

You will break your fast just because you are angry with some infidels.

Is this who you are?

Everyone says you don’t have the guts.

As far as I know, you are only afraid of God.

Who doesn’t have the guts?

-Have I asked for anything from you until today? -You didn’t.

For the first and last time, I will ask you to become the president.

You will take care of this club and the children of this town.

Otherwise, I won’t give you my blessings.

-Take this. -What is this, dad?

I was saving this for my future wife in case I got married.

You need it more than I do.

This is the money I kept for my shroud.

Candidacy costs a lot of money.

Okay?

Is that okay, president?

-Give me your blessings. -I already did.

What is this?

So I am scared, ha?

You are so scared that you will shit your pants.

So you are a real man?

He is the manliest man of all men.

-A real man. -Get it away from me!

Are you a man of your word?

If I gave zakat of manhood, you would both become real men.

You will buy the soccer club, burden it

with debt then you will launder your money.

Never mind money but you will demolish that beautiful...

...300 year old historical building and build a skyscaper instead.

There is your skyscraper!

This behaviour doesn't suit you! You are an Islamic leader.

Let everyone hear

from now on I will run as a candidate for the presidency of Doganspor soccer club.

If the deceased had lived, he would have run as a candidate as well.

Hodja is the president, Doganspor is the champion!

Hodja, wait for the payback time.

I will first eat anzer honey then you.

What are you looking for daddy? Tell me and I’ll find it.

Am I an imbecile? Do you think I can’t find it?

-Stay out of it! -Let me help you dad.

Get out of my way!

Didn’t I put anzer honey in this cabinet?

Ahmet, it is not the right time to eat anzer honey.

In the middle of the night?

Lose the grin woman!

It is the perfect timing!

Hodja has become a candidate.

I need to be more dynamic and energetic.

I forbid you to ever...

...eat bread in this house.

You won’t see Kadir again.

It is over!

What can I do?

Anzer honey.

Screw the one who told me you were born!

-I’d like to congratulate you. -Is that so?

-Hodja the President. -What?

You can take that axe back to coal cellar.

We have given a long break because of alum, elections, this and that.

-Let’s catch up. -Let’s do that.

-Come on. -Go ahead.

Don’t walk, run!

Dad.

What are you doing, dad?

-What are you saying? Speak up. -I am asking what you are doing.

What is going on?

He has gone out of hand but I know where to take him.

Dad, stop. Shame on you.

This one in my left hand is not working but my boner is still as hard as a rock.

He is waiting for the hunting season.

This is the last time I am getting myself fingered.

Mr. Ali Osman, please stand straight.

-No fingering? -No.

I will examine your penis.

Doctor...

...you don’t need a magnifying glass.

If you play with him a little longer, he will get bigger.

She is light-handed.

Who am I going to believe now?

If what I experienced today is real medicine and positive science...

...what was that ass fingering prick doing to me?

May God keep doctors like her close to my penis.

Science is positive when she is grabbing but

it is negative when he is fingering, right?

This makes me look fat.

Does this come with vertical stripes?

It does. Let’s take a look.

Hodja will become a president in a few days.

I need to be more elegant as a first lady. Right?

Minx!

She is dreaming without looking at the size of her ass.

Look at your own ass. It is like Sedan chair.

What?

She didn’t get it.

Your ass hit the ceiling.

But every rise has a fall, Ummiye!

Asiye, who is that woman next to you?

Oh, that’s you.

Idiot, I am big boned.

No, it should be oedema.

She is around 5’ 7’’ but not in length. In width.

-Mom, please! -Stay out of it.

Nur, tell your mom that...

...because of jealousy she will have no nails left to bite.

You didn’t use to let every tom, dick and harry in here.

What is going on?

Have animal rights activists insisted on it?

-Ummiye. -Asiye.

I won’t lower myself to your level.

I won’t.

I won’t.

Screw you.

-Hello, how are you doing? -Hello hodja, welcome. How are you?

Thank you, my brother.

Give me a strong knife.

Hello, how is everything going?

I got you a knife. Watch out, don’t cut yourselves.

Life has almost stopped in Trabzon.

Everyone is fixed on the same question.

Who will be the president of Doganspor?

We interviewed people before election.

Let’s see what people on the street are saying.

Hodja?

He can’t get my vote. Maybe he can get the head of my penis.

No, I won’t give that either.

Hodja can’t do shit.

I will almost swear at his family, his past...

...his grandma and his father.

God damn the woman who gave birth to him.

Where did he come from? He can’t get any votes.

We will vote for contractor Ahmet.

Hodja can’t even become a fourth player of rummikum.

We are not delegates. We are coming from Germany.

-Are you a delegate, Lemi? -I am not.

I am from Yomra.

Not at all.

Never mind the president, how is your mother?

I am calling out to my people.

We will present a very big project...

...for Doganspor and our people including the hodja...

...with the participation of our minister.

I am very proud to announce it on TV that...

...Sabri Sarioglu’s transfer from Galatasaray has been finalized.

Applause!

But he couldn’t join us today because...

...he couldn’t figure out the right time to be in our city.

We organized welcoming ceremonies for him...

...in 6 different cities just to be on the safe side.

Fuck off!

What project? What has he been up to?

Well done. May it be beneficial to you all. Don’t mention it.

You have been vilifying hodja very well. Now it is our turn.

-We did our best. -Well done, well done.

Look at me Idris. Our surprise is ready for the evening, right?

-It is ready. -Well done.

-This money is torn. -Sod off!

Son of a bitch.

Dad, what are you doing?

My dear Meryem...

...it is so hard to be lonely, right?

-A man needs warmness of a woman... -Dad.

I mean a life partner...

...a boob or something...

Dad.

A man needs two big boobs to lean his head on...

It is best to leave.

-I mean a man needs to lean his head on... -Dad.

Dad, what are you doing?

Grandson, I am desperate.

I am showing her all my moves but she is not paying any attention.

Hit me with the new stuff. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

I won’t forget this favour of yours.

Don’t mention it. We will hook you up with your lady friend tonight.

If you ask me what I am...

...I have only one title.

I am human.

Everything else is a lie.

We are all humans after all.

Our end hundred percent involves a cotton up the ass.

-We have a call. -Let’s take it.

Hodja, I am a traffic police...

...the other day I stopped a man. I found a wine bottle on him.

I didn’t have the tube with me so I couldn’t make him blow.

I gave him a fine even though I wasn’t sure.

Does it count as a sin? But he had his murder weapon with him.

-You should have given him a fine based on adultery. -Why?

He had his murder weapon on him as well.

-We have another call, hodja. -Let’s take it.

Contractor Ahmet is the answer.

Take the trouble and vote for Ahmet the contractor.

What is this?

There is a product placement in this show. We are getting so many ads.

But when I place something, channel gets shut down.

Your candidate Ahmet Suren, heart healing gentleman.

If the team is in trouble, call Ahmet the contractor.

Ahmet, contractor Ahmet.

Not a president but a real Turkish delight.

To hell with you and your president...

-We have another call, hodja. -Let’s take it. Go ahead.

Hodja, is it a sin if I show him but don’t let him touch?

You committed a sin against both of you.

Hang up!

I am sorry hodja.

Hodja, I have been waiting for a long time.

Go ahead my brother.

Hodja, do you know the owner of the car with 61 FN 156 license plate?

-Why? -He needs to move his car.

My team mates and I got together.

We will install hardwood flooring in apartment 24 on Karanfil street.

I will come over there and floor you 24 times on Karanfil street.

If you give your vote to hodja today, God knows what you will give him tomorrow.

Screw your president and your commercial.

Grandpa, I will say it first then you will repeat.

That’s it, okay?

Okay grandson, okay. Show me what you got.

Let me get her attention first.

She walks in beauty, like the night.

Of cloudless climes and starry skies,...

And all that’s best of dark and bright

Meet in Meryem’s aspect and her eyes;

You rock grandpa.

It feels like, I have been alone for years.

And Meryem is so beautiful. It hurts.

Okay grandpa, get to the point.

Roses are red...

...Violets are blue...

...Rhyming is hard...

...Like I am for you.

I mean, I’ve never met anyone as beautiful as you...

...you will never find another love like mine, Meryem.

She is getting into mood. Come on, grandson.

Ali Osman says, "let’s share the life and live shoulder to shoulder."

What?

Whatever.

Ali Osman says, "let’s share the bed and...

...you always put your legs up on my shoulder."

What?

Why did you make her swear?

Miss Meryem, give your heart to me and I shall bury it in my soul.

What?

Whatever.

Miss Meryem, give your ass to me and I shall screw it all night long.

What the fuck are you saying?

-Fuck off, grandpa. -What?

Fuck off, get inside.

-What did you do, grandpa? -What did you do, grandson?

She doesn’t appreciate a romantic gesture but...

...she is butch. I liked this woman.

-What’s going on Kadir? Why are you sad? -Nothing is going on.

Nothing?

There is something off about you. Tell me what is going on.

-Brother. -What?

-I am leaving. -Where are you going?

-Wherever. I don’t know. -Why?

You are asking me why?

I get it Kadir.

Don’t make me face him.

Do you know there are two kinds of disasters in this world?

First one is loving and not being able to unite with your lover...

...second and worse one is loving and uniting with your lover.

I say I am in deep shit, you say turn your back to the sun.

I made my decision.

Fine. We will ask for her hand in marriage.

Really?

Of course.

-My dad has come. -Look at me.

Let’s kidnap her first then we will ask for her hand in marriage.

Just to be on the safe side.

In the meantime, you should score as much as you can on the night we kidnap her...

...so that we go to an away game with a good bargaining position.

Dad, what are you doing? Weren’t you chopping wood?

My precious fellow citizens...

...we have gathered here together to introduce...

...of a very valuable service.

Our services will continue pouring.

If you ask me, “President, what is this service all about?”...

...what does Ercan Taner say...

...”Ball has met the goal net.”

For God’s sake, what would he say, if there wasn’t a goal net?

If someone were to score, we would never know whose house that ball went.

-A goal net is crucially important. -Applause!

My precious fellow citizens...

...Elect me...

...if I don’t make this team meet UEFA standards...

-...I will shoot myself in the head. -Fuck off.

Keep this guy away from us. Come on. Enough already!

Our minister is arriving shortly...

...he is going to take the penalty kick.

Applause!

You know the tradition we have in opening ceremonies, right?

Wherever the minister kicks the ball, goalkeeper will jump on the opposite side.

If he sees the ball is curving, he will jump on the other side.

You should have warned him.

Idris, look at me. You have chosen the worst goalkeeper, right?

-The worst. -Yes, the very worst.

Here he comes.

Zeki Ayvaz.

Did you get one of the best goalkeepers in the country to concede a goal?

-I will screw... -Here comes the minister.

My minister.

Welcome my minister!

You haven’t been to official field openings for a while.

Your goals which feature in teasers are just like racket--

They are like rocket, president.

We have been longing for your rocket like right foot.

There you go.

Come on.

There you go.

Shall we call this a practice shot?

Let’s not say it wasn’t a goal,...

...let’s say you couldn’t glamorize your football with a goal.

Technical football players can’t score a penalty kick.

Minister...

Hold on a second, excuse me.

Please show some effort.

Pick him up! Pick him up, come on.

Screw your leg.

I want a first lady hairdo. Hodja will be a president in a few days.

-Good luck with it. -Thank you.

Thank you.

Emine, do you offer bargain matinee prices today?

If I had known, I wouldn’t have come.

-Mom! -Stay out of it!

Ummiye, take a seat.

Okay.

I only need to get a pedicure, dear Mahya.

Why? Is today blacksmith’s off day? You could have filed your hooves there.

You should have asked this woman whether she is having a haircut or a beard trim?

-Mom, please! -Girls, stop doing that.

No problem.

-Ummiye. -What?

I won’t lower myself to your level.

I will screw you.

Sit down guys.

President.

Let me see.

We designed it just the way you wanted it.

-Contractor Ahmet. -Nice.

Doganspor.

Fine, well done. Now it has an air about it.

-Idris, what was the mascot of our team? -Falcon.

-Falcon. -Yes.

-What is a falcon? -A bird.

Galatasaray brings a lion in a cage to the opening ceremony of the stadium.

Besiktas shows off with an eagle that is flying over their stadium.

If we do something like this, presidency will be guaranteed.

Let’s fly a falcon.

They tried it once before. Falcon didn’t land.

Then they flew another falcon, he was last seen in Gumushane.

I don’t want any scandals, Idris.

We need a more noble animal.

For example?

For example, an ox.

An ox.

Wait, I have a better idea.

I have a God given wisdom.

I came up with a more noble animal.

What is it, president?

It was hard but we managed it. We took care of her.

This is a very important step on my way to presidency.

What is this?

-Ummiye, stop. -Why?

It is a bear, Ummiye.

She will stay with us tonight.

-Why? -They kicked her out of the house.

This is very influential on the way to presidency.

What is going to happen? The person who sees this, will vote for me.

Where did you find her?

Where did we find her? We paid for her.

-For the bear? -Yes.

You stole her, right?

No, we bumped into her. She must have really liked Idris.

We bought a cage from a pet shop.

She liked me so much that...

...she couldn’t hide her affection. Look how she hugged me.

You will sleep together tonight...

...With the bear.

She didn’t buy it.

Despite all we have done, we are still head to head with hodja.

People don’t appreciate our services.

As if this wasn’t enough, Celal Hekimoglu is favouring hodja.

He will give him moral and material support.

We don’t have any option left but to play our last card.

-Did you prepare the gifts? -They are ready.

-Fine. Jasmine. My girl. -Jasmine.

Good girl, good girl.

Come and give me another hug.

Easy girl.

-Thank you, president. -Enjoy it.

Thank you, my president.

Thank you, my president. We will vote for you.

Thank you.

Thank you, president. We will vote for you.

God bless you.

There is no signature on this check.

Congratulations, Hakan. You are a genius.

I will sign them after I get the mandate.

Come on, go to your home Hakan.

Ahmet president is a Turkish delight, hodja is a shit magnet.

Uncle Ali Osman, contractor is handing out checks.

It is 130 points to 70. We are losing.

-Dial this number for me. -Okay.

It is ringing.

This is Ali Osman, I need you urgently. Be here first thing in the morning.

Ahmet, run! The bear is running away.

What did you do to drive her mad, Ummiye?

She took a dump in bathtub. She attacked me when I tried to clean it.

Of course, she will take a dump. Should she keep it inside?

Jasmine, Jasmine my girl.

He calls her my girl.

Look at me Ahmet. Make your decision. It’s me or the bear.

I choose the bear.

My way to presidency goes through the bear.

-May God damn you. -Sure.

Jasmine, my girl.

Easy, easy girl.

Good girl. My vote machine.

Hello.

-Hello. -Give us a room...

...with five beds.

We are out of rooms with five beds.

Give us whatever you have.

-Identity cards, please! -Get them out.

The reason of our visit is that...

...these two have met...

-...and fallen in love with each other... -They rubbed each other.

-Dad, what are you doing? -What did I say?

Where was I?

According to the command of God and the word of the Prophet,...

...we would like to ask for Nur’s hand in marriage--

And I would like to marry hadji aunt from Akcabat.

We are not here for that. What are you doing, dad?

We are here to ask for Nur’s hand in marriage.

-What is your son’s occupation? -He is a star performer.

In his spare time, he is an astronaut.

He is a baker.

A baker.

If it is meant to be, it will.

-It is meant to be. -I don’t think so.

I’d like to go to the restroom.

Why did you come back so quickly?

-Toilet was full. -It was full?

-We are all here. -There is a sow inside.

A bear? A sow? How did you figure out it was a sow?

I won’t give my daughter away.

Hadji aunt?

Dad, what are you doing?

I would like to return from an away game with one point.

Are you still here?

Don’t make me fire all my bullets. Come on!

This is not over Ahmet.

He shouldn’t feel cold in the cool of the evening.

Yılmaz Vural?

-Hello. -Hello.

-This is Ali Osman’s house, right? -Yes, it is. What is going on?

Uncle Ali Osman said Doganspor was falling apart...

...and he wanted me to come here urgently.

Come on in. Welcome.

-Yılmaz, are you alright? -Uncle Ali Osman, how are you?

-You asked me to come. Here I am. -Welcome.

I forgot to ask you on the phone yesterday. How is your mother?

She sent her regards.

How can we afford Yılmaz Vural? The club doesn’t have enough money.

He is a man of heart, he is not after money.

Walk, walk.

My God!

Hodja is the president, Doganspor is the champion!

My fellow citizens...

...I know you all wonder...

...why I have gathered you here.

Well done, applause!

When I announced my candicacy,...

...didn’t I say I was going to change the unfortunate history of this club?

You did.

Didn’t I say I was going to make sacrifices...

...for Doganspor’s success?

You did.

Didn’t I say I would change everything including statutory rules if I have to...

...and shove the old rules up hodja’s ass?

-You didn’t say that. -I am saying it now!

Well done, applause!

Applause!

My dear fellow citizens.

We have gathered here today to share...

...a very big step that has been taken in the name of presidency.

Applause!

-What was our team’s mascot? -Falcon.

-Falcon. -Yes.

-What is a falcon? -A bird.

-Falcon. -Yes.

No, my friends.

We need a more noble animal.

Here is our new mascot...

...that we deserve...

...she will give confidence to our friends and spread fear to our enemies.

Well done, applause!

Well done, applause!

Contractor the president! Contractor the president!

Guys, isn’t that Yılmaz Vural?

Doganspor is proud of you! Doganspor is proud of you!

My dear friends...

...I don’t remember why and how I got into this election race.

But since we are here, I will tell you what I am hoping for.

May our club remains decent.

Let football win and those bears lose.

Let this be beneficial to our town.

Guys, the summit is so cold. I am freezing.

As a matter of fact, it feels lonely at the summit.

I am calling out to my dear fans...

...let’s not get frantic with our happiness.

Watch out. Don’t fire your guns.

I don’t want anyone to go down like ninepins.

I am announcing the results of the election.

44 votes for contractor Ahmet.

154 votes for the hodja.

Hodja outscores contractor Ahmet...

...and becomes the new president of Doganspor.

Hodja is the president, Doganspor is the champion!

-Congratulations. -Thank you very much.

Good luck with it.

I’d like to give you this jersey as a present.

Thank you.

-Get your hands off. -I wish you success. Good luck.

Thank you very much. May this be good for all of us.

Didn’t I tell you I would become the president?

You did.

Did I?

You did.

You will let Nur and Kadir get married.

I will give my ass to the entire neighbourhood

instead of giving my daughter away.

You will, I see that potential in you.

What are you shooting, brother?

What are we doing here?

Why? What is your problem?

Why are you looking at me like that?

He always wanted to come here.

Come on.

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