Original subtitles

Now, you understand, Billy Boy better play nice with the merchandise.

You tell him I'm going to weigh it on my own fucking scale.

You short me again, I'm going to break his other arm.

Sure, Howie, I tell him.

And you fuck up, Weasel.

I'm going to break your arm, too.

Sure, Howie, I know.

All right, now go on and get out of here.

Get.

You know, Susie, sometimes I feel like a big old turd in a small toilet.

Never makes you happy, honey.

And you, go easy on that ice cream, huh? You're starting to get all poochy

around the middle.

Jeez Louise, Howard, it's fucking ass milk.

Yeah, well, it come out of a cow and it make you fat.

Give a shit what you call it.

Hey, here comes the tag pool.

Groceries. Hello, Ray.

Ray.

Fill that out for this tax board, will you?

How you doing, Ernestina?

Y 'all go with Ray. He'll take care of you.

See you around, Ernestina.

That is without question the most fuckable young lady I've ever seen

magazine.

Hell, don't bother me, she's a retard.

Well, the way I hear it, the only way to get to Ernestina is to go through with

Brother Otis.

You don't think I'd take on that big dummy? Oh, hell no.

I just want to be around when you do it.

Yeah, well, I already got me a sweet little chicken.

And... You know how I feel about it.

What's that word?

Fucking? No, watch your mouth.

The other one where you don't be sleeping around.

Fidelity? Yeah, that's it.

Like on them old high fives.

High fidelity.

Yeah, that's what I go for.

What a man. What a brain.

Pardon moi, Howard, but I'm going to go to the ladies' room.

Well, why don't you just talk up? Let everybody know about it.

Let's see what I got to put up with.

Susie, go watch the Redmanger. I got a surprise in the basement.

Susie, don't mind the inventory. Just watch the Redmanger.

Damn it, we ain't got no time for foreplay.

See you soon, Ernestina.

One day, cupcake.

Say it, baby.

Say it. Call me Scarlet. Say it, Scarlet.

You're ten times the man Howard is.

And?

Howard's got a little dick.

You're the real man.

He can't satisfy me.

And? Oh, Howard's a pussy.

Yeah.

Then why the hell did you marry him, Loretta?

Scarlet.

Scarlet? Why'd you do that?

Here's the Harley, wasn't it?

All right, well, now I'm the Harley, baby.

Ride your little baby lamb.

I've never known a woman to take so damn much time in the toilet.

I swear, that woman's got a bladder the size of an acorn.

You in there?

Loretta, you down here or what?

Hey, Loretta down here?

Uh, yeah, Howard.

She's in the employee bathroom right in there.

Loretta, you in there?

What do you want?

What are you doing in there?

laser and busted. What do you think I'm doing?

Well, whatever you're doing, hurry it up. We gotta go.

Hey, I'm out. You happy now?

Yeah, just fucking overjoyed.

to see you.

Well, uh, what exactly did he say?

He said, go get Lance, bring him over here and move your poochie buns.

Uh -huh.

Um, did he seem upset?

Well, I can't say that he did, but then he never does.

Oh, shoot.

Lance, it ain't that far to the back of the restaurant.

Not much of a head start if you get my drift.

Okay, Beretta, okay.

We'll just play it cool.

Cool, Rat. Cucumber.

Compress the bolt spring while holding front and left.

Fuck all friggin' bolt springs.

Well, ants in the pants, Lance.

And look at this thing.

Try to save some money is a fucking waste of a man's time.

Buy the thing in pieces.

Have to assemble it yourself.

Save a couple C's.

Shit.

Well, sit your ass down.

Right. Sure, Howard.

Lance, you know what I've been thinking.

Well, no, Howard. Loretta!

What you doing standing there?

You serving tables around here? No, I just... Why did you have to park your

mushy old butt down there next to Lance? He ain't got no cooties.

Have you, Lance?

No, not that I'd think.

Lance, I'm gonna make this short and sweet.

Kind of like Loretta here, except she ain't so short, really.

Okay, now, Howard, I don't know what you've been hearing.

Hearing?

About what?

Nothing. You don't know what I've been hearing about nothing?

What the hell are you talking about?

Uh, nothing.

I mean, shit, Howard.

You know I don't have clue one what the hell I'm talking about.

You know what I think.

You need to take it easy.

You're looking poorly.

Get that right, Loretta.

Um, yeah.

Looks like he's got the flu.

Flu?

What the fucking flu got to do with it, huh?

You need to get yourself out of here. Go get yourself laid once in a blue moon.

Hell, you ain't got no natural charm, but shit, even a little shrimp with that

ratty old beard like yours can at least pay for it once in a while.

And that's where I come in.

I'm sorry, what?

That's what I want to talk to you about.

Now, how much you make in this place?

Say, in a week or something.

Well, I don't know. It kind of depends.

Um... I figure about, uh... What, a clear grand a week?

Huh? No, shoot, no, not half that much.

I'll bet you want to know why.

Why? Because you spread yourself too thin.

That's why you're all pale and kind of thicky, ugly looking.

But here I am, I'm going to save your skinny ass.

Oh, gee, Howard, actually... Now, Lancey, Anthony, what you need is

know? And kind of ease the strain.

And I'm looking to diversify.

You know what I mean?

It means? It means that I share the burden.

I'll be your partner.

Shared, share alike.

Yeah.

Guess you still have to be doing most of the day -to -day stuff.

Partners? Well, sure.

I mean, I've been partnering up with businesses all over town.

I did Joey down to Hardware Store.

Ben Boffo's Washerama.

I'm becoming a regular... What's that word?

Shakedown artist.

Now, Loretta, if I didn't love that big old behind of yours so much, I'd pack

you on your worst fucking nightmare.

Entrepreneur. That's the fucking... Entrepreneur.

Sign, I'm gonna come here and bring my talents to bear right here at the

shopping stop.

How's that for good news?

Actually, Howard, now no need to thank me.

It's my pleasure.

And don't worry about no paperwork either. Whenever you get it done, we'll

uh, backdate it to right now.

Hallelujah. I see. Just a little, uh, what's that word?

Brains?

No, persistence.

I'll tell you something, Greta.

You're getting into need of serious attitude adjustment.

Sometime I envy the single life, boy.

On the house.

Partner.

Well, what you waiting on?

Fucking invitation from the Queen of England?

More like the Duke of the Dump.

Come on, chubby cheeks.

What are you looking at?

A grave waiting to be filled?

No, don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about somebody plowing some oats.

Loretta Oats, to be precise.

Susie, I'm a big boy.

Oh, you're a big boy, Lance.

Only Howard Oats is even a bigger boy.

He finds out about you and Loretta, he is going to put a loop of piano wire

around your neck and drag you up and down Main Street on his Harley. Now, if

want to keep your head on your shoulders, you had better start using

I can't do that.

I can't let her go.

It's a grand passion. That's what it is.

Being with her, shoot, it's like fucking a firecracker.

How late can you stay?

A while yet.

Howard's beating up some guys wrongly.

He should be gone.

Till around midnight.

Keep dancing, Scarlett. Keep dancing.

Oh, it's a problem, all right.

It's a problem. Now, let's see what the problem is.

You just hang around out back at the trailer park, wait till he walks by, pop

cat and begs head.

Well, it ain't the doing it that's hard.

It's getting away with it.

Now, no matter how you cut it or slice it, how it turns up with the bullet,

somebody's gonna be looking in our direction.

Lance, you're too smart is all.

Gotta make things complicated.

Now, everybody hates him. And everybody'd give a cheer if he turned up

So just do it.

You know, if you don't, one day he's gonna do it to the both of us. And

God -fearing fact.

Yeah, I know. I know it's... Holy shit!

What the hell?

You must have took a wrong turn.

Honey, there ain't no turns off this highway.

Would you look at this?

Some sort of fence or something.

Somebody dragged this across the road. That's what it is.

That's goddamn stupid of them.

Oh, this is some kind of weird bullshit.

That's the road to the stack pool place.

I'm gonna go check that out.

You wait in the car.

Lance, you be careful now.

Careful is my credo.

Wait in the car.

Gotta go.

Gonna leave out there like that, honey? Somebody might get an accident.

I think somebody already has, Candy Lips.

What, Lance?

What did you see back there?

I saw the light, honey.

I saw the light.

What the heck?

Don't worry, young man.

What?

I've done this before.

What? Many times.

Otis?

Wait!

Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait!

Be right with you.

Well, where in the sea of hell have you been? I ain't seen you since the day

before yesterday.

Not to worry, Susie, my dear.

Oh, where am I?

Backside? Me and Ray have been running this place alone.

Shoot, Lane. I thought somebody was throwing some lime on what was left of

Well, I just had a little business to attend to out of town.

Very important business.

It's going to make all the difference.

Everything's going to be peaches and cream from here on out.

Perfect timing. See, that's exactly what I was looking for.

Lance, don't you mess with them, stack fool.

Mess with them?

I ain't going to mess with them, hon.

It's business.

Well, hey there, Wheeler, Odin, Ernestina.

Look, I was wondering if I could, uh...

I was wondering if I could talk to you for just a second. So, uh, hold on right

there.

All right, that's fine. You want to act like a bunch of retards, go ahead.

But I know what you're up to. You hear me?

I know about that flytrap you got set up across the road. And, oh, Otis, man, I

know what you did to that truck, Hunkalove.

Unless you want me to go to the law with this, I suggest you talk to me.

Because, well, you're going to talk to me sooner or later.

All right.

You want to play rough the way you did with Hunkalove.

Well, I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Not that you want to go to jail.

You move it.

It up.

All right, now.

One of you is going to have to talk to me sooner or later.

Book on that.

Brief.

TJ's a big gorilla. You come now.

All right, that's what I had in mind. Just let me get some shoes.

All right, all right. You fight, Otis hits you. You yell, Otis hits you. I

I got the game plan here, Otis.

Nice and cozy.

Holy shit, and some big eyes, brother.

You've met my brothers and my sister, Mr. Fogan.

I don't believe we've ever met.

Well, I kind of figured I'd remember it if we had. No doubt.

My name is Myron Stackpool. I'm the...

Pardon the expression.

The head of the family.

As you have perhaps noted, we stack pools all have our peculiarities.

We're quadruplets, you know.

All born from the same egg.

Theoretically, we should be identical, but, well, strange things do happen.

No shit.

Do you know what you're looking at, Mr. Bogan?

Escapees from a freak show?

You're looking at a unique biological phenomenon.

Four genetically linked beings, each endowed with a share of normal

enhanced to almost supernatural proportions.

Otis, many times stronger than any normal man.

Wheeler with eyes sharper than an eagle's. Ears like a fox.

Nose like a hound dog.

Ernestina, well...

I hardly need tell you about her special powers.

As for me, well... Yeah, so you're the smart one.

Yes, I should say so.

I'm the brains of the family.

We're linked, you know, telepathically.

I can't leave this chair, but I can see through Wheeler's eyes, enforce my will

with Otis's hands, and... Well, I need not tell you about my uses for

One brain.

controlling four bodies.

Well, then, Myron, I guess you're the one I need to be talking to.

By all means, talk.

Well, let's just say for conversation that somebody happened to see a strange

old roadblock a couple of nights ago.

And this fella, he happened to see Otis here dragging some poor fella out of his

pickup truck, bringing him into this house.

Well, Ernestina there, she drove that truck around back.

You still got some pretty deep swampland back there, don't you?

Indeed we do.

Nice place to hide a vehicle, or vehicles.

Now, for conversation, let's just say that this fella happened to see the

license plate of that truck. A license plate that read, uh, Hunk of Love.

Such a fella might be inclined to go to the police.

He might. He may.

And then again, he may not. You see, this fella, he's got himself a whole

of problems.

One major problem.

One big, dumb, back -over problem named Howard Oates. You know him? He's the boy

that drives the Harley.

Yeah, that's the one, man. Far as I'm concerned, he can drive that Harley

off the edge of the earth. Wouldn't trouble me none.

Well, why should we help this fellow when, after all, we have him?

Now, Myron, it's awful silly for a big old brain like you to play stupid.

It's not too convincing.

Suppose this fella, now, uh, well, he ain't as smart as some, but he is smart

enough to say, write down everything he saw that night and put it in a letter,

and then he drives somewhere, and he finds himself a phone book, and he gets

himself a lawyer, random -like, and he gives that letter to the lawyer, and he

says, now, I'm gonna call you ever so often, on a schedule -like, and, uh, I'm

gonna stop by all by myself, and if and I don't call, or if I don't stop by, oh,

well,

If I turn up dead or missing, why, you just shoot that letter on over to the

state's attorney's office. Let him get to work on it.

Would you like to know what happened to that gentleman with the amusing license

plate? No.

There's an intercom over there.

Go on over and press the third button.

It will connect you to our surgical annex.

Oh, yeah?

Who's down there?

Don't tell me I've piqued your curiosity.

Not surprisingly, Mr.

Bogan, I have an abiding interest in the human brain, in the relationship of the

brain to the body.

Do you know that some people are born, live their whole normal lives, and die

with only half a brain?

Well, I meant more than my share of them.

I want a human body.

A normal human body, but one that can encompass my superior intelligence.

I detest having to live a life through proxy, through the limbs and senses of

these creatures.

And so I experiment.

If half a brain can do the work of a whole one, perhaps a whole human brain

hold an intellect equivalent to my own.

So, more power to you.

And you aren't at all concerned about my subjects down in the basement?

Is there anything I can do for them?

Nothing comes to mind.

I keep them alive for future experiments and for their occasional entertainment

value. Yeah, well, they got their problems, and I got mine, and you got

And right now, Myron, I'm the problem you gotta worry about.

Like you say, you're a very clever fella.

You want me to stay quiet like, see?

Because I got a feeling you got a whole fleet of cars in that swamp back there.

You don't want guys with guns and badges snooping around this house.

No. You want to keep doing whatever it is you're doing.

Now, Myron, you made them folks downstairs go away.

I want you to do the same thing for Howard Oates.

You make him go away.

Otherwise... You're gonna find yourself in a whole world of hurt.

Now, do we have a deal?

Ain't no time to talk dirty. Now, listen up.

Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

The power's gonna be out of town.

Out of town?

You get yourself an alibi.

A what?

An alibi.

You know, go see a friend, go to the beauty parlor.

Whatever you gotta do to have people see you. Now, you got this?

Oh, an alibi?

You do as I say now.

Oh, you gonna... You gonna do it? You gonna do it? I'm gonna do it now.

And ain't nobody gonna point a finger at us. He's gonna be dead.

He's gonna be dead.

Deader than dead.

Deader than a dog in a garbage dump.

Oh, I'm gonna steal my hat and shine it on them.

Fancy meeting you here, Cupcake.

Oh, now, don't be shy.

Come on, give old Howard a little kiss now.

Shop and stop, Lance Bogan here.

Done, Mr. Bogan.

Been a pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, Lance, it's me.

Holy shit, Loretta, what are you doing here? Did you do it? Is he gone?

Oh, Loretta, you gotta stick with the plan. Howard turns up myths and you

want people hooking us up. Then you did it. You really did it.

It's done, baby.

You won't be seeing Howard no more.

Tell me, tell me, how'd you do it?

Had it done. Angel cake, man's got his act together. He don't do it, he has it

done. You hired a hitman?

No, I had something a whole lot better.

Well, I'll save for two. Who?

Honey, I got the stack pools working for me.

Go on.

Yeah, I got me a little look at something real sweet. You know that

that roadblock?

Well, that little look and some sharp thinking by yours truly is all it took.

So you got something on the stack pools?

Oh, yeah, I got them by the short.

I got them by the short whatever the hell they got.

And they took care of Howard? Yeah, just like that. I said, you take care of

Howard Oates, and they did it.

And that ain't all. That's just the first installment.

What do you mean?

Well, honey, them stack pools is loaded with the green stuff.

I checked it out. They got all them real goods. They got, like, oil and gas,

coal, you know, all that flammable shit.

Real money. You gonna get it? Uh -huh, honey lips. We're gonna get it if you

play it smart.

That means you can't be hanging around here, see?

You can't be acting like Howard's dead before somebody even tells you that he's

missing.

You gotta play it cool, baby.

Oh, Lance, I'm too hot to play it cool. You gotta do me, baby. Fuck your little

Scarlet.

All right, take your panties off.

And Howard's gone for good. What'd they do to him? Did they make him suffer?

Oh, I'm sure they will.

I'm sure they will.

Amen.

Sure didn't think I'd hand that letter over to you, did you, Myron?

Hardly. Hardly is right. Why I do that, you kill me deader than stale cheese. We

both know that.

Now, I know what's floating around that big old head of yours. Whatever I do or

don't do, I'm a permanent burr up your butt.

I see I can't keep any secrets from you, Mr. Bogan.

Well, it ain't no secret, man. It's just common sense.

So, letting you do what you do, just letting you stay around and keeping my

mouth shut?

That's a price to me. A risk.

I figure a man takes a risk while he ought to get paid for it. Seems

to me. But I'm sure you also realize that it's a calculated risk.

You press too hard and you make it worth it for me to employ desperate measures.

What? You mean like dragging me down in that basement playroom of yours and

snipping off pieces of me till I tell you who my lawyer is?

Maybe.

Make me call up my lawyer. Have him deliver that letter in person.

Well... I wouldn't do that if I was you, Myron.

I see you've thought it all out.

Mm -hmm.

CFO Wheeler here knows as good as you say it is why he probably sniffed these

me when I first came in.

I'd match these against Otis' muscles any day of the week. Or against your big

old brain, for that matter.

Now... Ain't gonna be no torturing tonight, Myron.

Pity. And what exactly is it that you expect from me, Mr. Bogan?

Call me Lance, Myron.

Not to worry now. I thought this whole thing out. Now, I'm not gonna bleed you

dry. Now, Mom always said only a dummy slaughters the milking cow.

And I'm not gonna slaughter you.

I'm just gonna scoop off a little cream.

Say about 2 ,000 a week.

Oh. Now, don't go acting like that's some hardship, Myron. I know you got

cabbage to spare.

Go on over to the right dresser drawer.

Myron, Otis, Wheeler, Ernestina.

It's been a pleasure doing business with you all. I'll see you next week for

another payment.

I don't get up my arm and show myself out.

Wheeler, you follow that greasy white trash huckster.

We'll watch, listen to him, smell him. And when he slips, we'll catch him all

right. We'll catch the little fox and I'll cut that grin right off his face.

Go!

So, Loretta, any word from Howard?

Oh, no, and it's been almost a week.

A week?

My, that's terrible.

Feels almost like forever.

Did you call the police?

Of course I did, just like you told... I mean, of course I did, but it's like he

just fell off the face of the earth.

Fancy that, him being so big and all.

Well, he did have a way of creating bad feelings in people.

What'd the police say?

What'd they say?

Well, I didn't get the impression that locating Howard was likely to be a high

priority for the boys in blue.

Let me see if I can recall Sergeant's exact words. It was like, if y 'all want

to find that no -good, troublemaking, redneck husband of yours, you best buy

yourself a shovel.

Well, that was damn insensitive of them.

I should say so.

I imagine you've, uh... Well, you're about giving up hope of ever seeing your

husband again.

Well, foul play of the permanent variety does seem to be the generally held

opinion. Of course, our marriage was troubled.

I hadn't realized that.

Yes, of course. Well, we didn't talk about it much, but what with him being a

gangster and drug seller and murder and all, well, it did make normal life a bit

difficult.

I expect it would.

Still.

I suppose it does get a bit lonely without him.

Lonely, yes.

More than you could ever imagine.

Well, Loretta, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but, well, if you're

still lonely, I'd be happy to, I don't know, how about dinner and a movie?

Hmm, how about dinner and let's skip the movie?

How about we skip dinner, too?

You know, you... Fill me up better than any old steak and potatoes.

Sweet cake, you're the only hot fudge sundae I want to dip my spoon into.

Ow!

That damn thing.

I'm trying.

There we go, right there.

Pardon moi.

Oh, honey bunny.

I like that.

Well, you better get used to it, sweetie, because there's going to be a

of that where that came from.

Courtesy of Mr.

Big Brain Stackpool.

Esquire.

What's an esquire, honey?

An esquire is somebody who gives you a shit car full of money.

I'm real sorry about that.

Keep on.

talking, you little country con man.

Every stupid word's a deposit in the pain bank.

You just wait. Pretty soon you'll be making a withdrawal.

You and that powder puff whore of yours.

Excuse me.

How would you like to run this place?

Oh, you mean more than I do now?

I know, I know. I ain't exactly been around too much lately, but I got bigger

things in the works.

Mm -hmm.

Now, why you always got to be such a sourpuss?

I'm trying to make you an offer.

You take over the shop and stuff. You can hire whoever you want, and I'll give

you a 50 % share because I'm a nice guy.

I'll be like one of them, whatchamacallit, silent partners.

Silent? Oh, now that'll be the day.

Susie, the scales have been lifted from my eyes.

I've seen a bigger, better world.

A world beyond deep fryers and canned goods.

And I can reach out there and grab it.

That is, if I play my cards right.

Lance, you try walking around in the big band shoes, you are just going to fall

flat on your face.

I am fitting those shoes, and as a matter of fact, they're getting too

Yeah, well, everything that's been going on around here, I feel like getting a

bit tight myself.

You hush now.

You think about mom?

Clean this stuff up. I got to make an important phone call.

Hello? Artie Rathcow, please.

This is client Lance Bogan.

One moment, Mr. Bogan.

Arthur Raskow here.

Mr. Raskow, this is Lance Bogan calling in on schedule.

Yes, Mr. Bogan.

Can you please tell me the name of your mama's dog when you were a young man? My

mama's dog is Elvis P.

Resley. Elvis P. Resley, that's correct. Thank you very much, Mr. Bogan. And

thank you, Mr. Raskow.

Elvis.

P.

Risley.

Two tickets

to Raleigh. Round trip.

Um, that'll be $88 .60.

I'm sorry, but Mr. Rascow doesn't see anybody without an appointment.

And he doesn't see just anybody.

What the hell are you doing breaking into my office like

this? Angelique! Martha Rascow?

Yeah, that's correct.

Mr. Bowman's letter. Get it.

Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. Hey!

That's one.

Mr. Baldwin's bladder. You get it. Okay. The safe.

It's in the safe. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Okay.

All right. There.

You have it. You have that. I don't even know what's in it.

Holy shit.

What are you?

Copies.

That's it.

There ain't none.

Oh, God.

Oh, please. Please, God. I swear.

Please. Please.

There ain't no copies. I ain't got no... Oh, please.

Please. That's three copies.

How can I make you believe me?

Lance,

baby. Yeah, honey.

I gotta be... I gotta be honest.

Sure, honey.

I'm getting a bit frustrated.

Well, darling, I'm doing the best that I can. Not about that.

I mean about doing it down here at the cream corn.

What's the point of murdering your husband if you can't fuck in a bed?

You hear what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah, I hear you. And I've been thinking about us.

Thinking? Yeah, honey, about us.

What's that mean?

What's that mean? You've been thinking about us. Just what's there to think

about?

Oh, Scarlett, you do have a suspicious mind.

Come on, come on. We're losing the rhythm here. Fine, fine.

Like I said, I've been thinking.

Yeah, you go ahead and tell me. About you and me.

Yeah.

And, uh, well, where we're going from here... Where do you figure that's gonna

be? Man, I gotta tell you true.

God knows you wouldn't want no dishonesty.

Oh, now cut that out, man. Cut that out. And just what is it I'm a -cutting? I'm

trying to tell you true.

You are the only honey bear for me.

That's right.

You make all them other girls, like, on TV and stuff look like a bunch of ugly,

old sound.

Oh, Lance, you mean it? Sure as shit, baby.

From now on, it's Lance and Loretta till death do us part. Oh, Lance.

Yeah, baby, I want you to be Mrs. Lance Bogan.

That is, if you'll have me. Oh, Lance, I'll have you. I'll hold you. I'll do

you. Oh, yes.

You didn't get a ring?

Yeah. Oh, shit, Lance. You sure do know how to de -romanticize a thing.

Oh, now, Scarlett.

Don't be like that now.

I thought about it, you know, and, well, I didn't want to buy you some ring, you

know, that you wouldn't like.

Then you'd be stuck with it the rest of your life.

Now, see, this way, I thought, we go together, you know, pick out something

like.

Well, geez, Louise Lance, that sure was practical of you.

Oh, now, come on, honey. Don't be like this.

You see that right there?

Huh? You see that?

Go ahead.

You hit me right there. Just go ahead. Come on. Hit me right there. Wow!

Oh.

All right.

All right.

You feel better?

Yeah.

I'm forgiven.

Oh, honey, you can talk later.

I'll be there in a sec.

All play and no work makes Lance Bogan a poor boy.

And I gotta be able to support my scarlet in a way that she has yet to

accustomed to.

Lance Bogan? You'll be receiving a delivery tonight.

Be alone.

Wait, hold on.

Well, now listen, sweet puss.

We gotta have a little trust now, don't we?

Yeah. I just want to keep you safe, that's all.

All right, well, you just hunker down in that bed of yours and think about old

Lance.

Tomorrow's fine, honey.

Keep yourself warm.

I gotta go.

Oh.

Business call.

Well, Ernestina, fancy seeing you here.

Or should I call you Myron?

Special delivery.

I'm decent of you.

You dropped your purse.

There you go.

Oh, baby, whatever you've got there on the bottom of this.

Oh.

What you won't hear?

Otis won't.

Please don't hurt me.

Otis.

Otis not hurt, pretty girl.

Otis won't hurt.

Otis will do what he's sent to do or I'll cut that pea brain of yours right

of your skull.

Elvis P.

Risley. You found Rascal?

Mm -hmm.

We there over here, the phone call?

Mm -hmm, from the alley outside.

Oh, he does have good ears.

So now you got the letter.

The letter is gone.

Mr. Rascal is gone.

You, on the other hand, Mr. Bogan, are going to be around for quite some time.

I'm not normally a vindictive person, but in your case, I'm going to make an

exception.

But don't you worry.

You won't have to go through it alone.

Lance, what? Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Don't you worry, sugar bear.

Everything's going to be just fine.

Your beau's optimism notwithstanding, Mrs. Oates, a little worry wouldn't be

totally out of keeping with your current situation.

Oh, my God, it talks.

Oh, yes, it talks.

And pretty soon you're both going to find out what else it does.

I think it would be appropriate to start with your little...

Honey, cake, lamb, sweetie, whatever else you call her.

I don't think so.

You don't? Uh -uh, Myra. You see, you made one mistake.

And what's that, Mr.

Upside -Down Bogan?

Problem is, you're so smart and all, you automatically think everybody else is a

dope. If I believe it, it's because experience has shown it to be true.

You underestimate people like me.

Mr. Bogan.

It is impossible to imagine that I could underestimate you.

See there, now you're doing it again.

So you got Rathgow.

What'd you think, I'd just lay everything out for him and not figure

find him eventually?

I have to admit it.

You're fast on your, uh, on your feet.

But whatever little story you're going to spin, it isn't going to get you or

pneumatic Mrs. Oates out of this particular pickle.

Pretty girl.

Quiet!

Go on, Mr. Bogan.

Well, suppose there was another lawyer, and he got another letter, and he was

given a couple of telephone numbers, and he was told that, well, if Artie Rascal

turns up dead or missing, why, you give those numbers a call.

If you don't hear anything in a couple of days, then you take that letter on

over to the state attorney.

No, Myron.

You and me, we're on the dance floor for life.

Oh, come on, Myron. Don't be like that. Just turn me loose.

I'll forget this all happened.

Call it a love spat.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Bogan.

This is a matter of personal pride.

High pride carries a high price, Myron.

You don't want to cut off your nose to spite your face, especially with a big

old face like yours.

Nevertheless, there is an alternative, Mr. Bogan.

Not less painful, but in fact more so.

Cast your mind back over your amusing little monologue.

There is, I fear, a slight problem in your foolproof plan.

I'm listening.

Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought I was boring you. And you, my dear, are

you following all this?

I want to go home.

Well, we all want many things.

We're going to see if we can find out exactly what the second lawyer's name

Sort of like a guessing game, only with torture.

Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

No, I'm going to do what I wish to do. You could avoid the painful

for you and your little tot.

And as I said before, I think it's only appropriate that she go first.

What is the name of the second lawyer?

Well, now, look who's calling who's stupid.

No matter what I say or don't say, the way I figure it, things are going to

out pretty much the same way.

So I say to you, go fuck yourself, big brain.

Lance, please.

Sweetheart, you know how I feel about you, but telling him ain't going to get

out of this. Our only chance is if I keep my lip buttoned.

But what about me?

I'm working on that, honey.

I love you, honey.

I love you too, Angel Lips. Oh, this is truly touching.

I can see, Mr. Bogan, that you clearly care about this woman.

I mean, maybe not as much as Ernestina.

Oh, Mrs. Oates, I'm sorry. You don't know about your beau and Ernestina. They

were in, how shall I put it, intimate proximity earlier this evening.

Lance? That was not my fault, Angel. That...

Female, she's got some sort of uncontrollable sexual power. I couldn't

myself.

Oh, tell me another.

I think we've had enough chit -chat. Get her ready for the performance.

Wait, wait, wait a second. I have something to say.

I'm all ears.

I have a confession to make.

Please do so.

I've always been attracted to really intelligent men.

Do tell.

It's... True.

Loretta. Oh, just shut up.

Given your attraction to Mr. Bogan, I frankly find it a bit difficult

you. Well, let's face it. He may not be much, but he's about the best of the

crop in Knob's Hollow.

That is, except for you.

I'm flattered.

Now, don't be like that.

I'm serious.

I'm not just looking for a physical thing.

Not that I'd mind it.

tracks me.

I, I see.

And I excite your spiritual desires.

Oh, you give me all sorts of ideas.

Well, I can tell just by looking at you that you're a take charge kind of guy,

that you're a man that can get things done.

Loretta, you're making a fool out of yourself. Just shut up. I know it must

real lonely being so smart and all.

I know what it's like to be lonely, not to fit in, honest.

And do you think you can fill my lonely hours?

Oh, I know I can. I can make you happy.

You can?

Oh, just give me a chance.

What about Mr. Bogan?

Oh, he betrayed me. That wasn't physical.

Why, Myron, I can call you Myron, can't I?

Oh, ever since the first time I ever laid eyes on you, I said to myself,

somebody special.

He ain't a member of the herd. He's a man that goes his own way. He scared me,

but a real man's always scary to a woman. It's true.

Really? Well, Mrs. Holtz, uh... Call me Loretta.

Very well, Loretta.

I have to confess, it has been a lonely road.

I mean, I...

I am mostly intellect, but, you see, I am a man as well.

I just want to be close to you, honey.

No one has ever said that to me before.

Oh, you're not taking advantage of me,

are you?

Oh, Renna, this is revolted. Well, shut up. Why, Myron, honey, I'd never take

advantage. I'm just, just, just expressing my true feelings.

And you have

no ulterior motive?

Motive? Oh, no, no, not at all. I just want to be yours forever.

Well, Loretta, you are without a doubt extremely

entertaining.

I can't exactly say what it is that you do, but I can see that you do it very

well.

Unfortunately, I'm just too busy.

What with my ongoing plans for world domination and all, to take time out for

romance.

No, darling.

I'm afraid it'll just have to be.

Death by torturous plan.

Now, hold on.

Please, just give me a chance. I can make you happy.

You're my dreamboat. Just let me give you a little hug.

You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Bogan. I have preparations to make for the

performance.

Feeling up to a little cultural activity, Mr. Bogan?

At least I'm right set up.

All right, so what is this place? Home movie theater or something?

No, it isn't a home movie theater.

Once in my great -grandfather's time, the family would enjoy dramatic

presentations here.

Sometimes actors were brought in for private performances, as if for royalty.

You might be interested to know that in 1859, John Wilkes Booth performed Hamlet

on this very stage.

Was that before or after he shot Lincoln?

Before, you idiot. He was shot afterward.

Oh, yeah. I guess that makes sense.

No doubt.

Over the years, I have tried to recapture a tiny fragment of that long

grace, staging my own humble theatricals here on this stage.

Mr. Bogan, are you perhaps familiar with Joan of Arc? Huh?

Joan of Arc.

Does the name strike a responsive chord?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ingrid Bergman, right? She was a nurse or something.

Well, saint or satanist, depending on whom you believe.

I find her a fascinating figure.

Saint, madwoman, warrior, visionary.

You have the cast, Otis and Wheeler.

Oh, no, no, no. Their brains are too deeply submerged to be able to decently

memorize lines.

I suppose I could speak through them myself, but as you've no doubt seen, the

results are rather limited.

No, I turn to my patients for the cast.

You mean those guys I heard on the intercom?

Oh, some of them are perfectly hopeless as actors, of course. The violent ones

or the catatonic ones, although at least they can carry spears. But you'd be

amazed. Some of their performances with the proper rehearsal and motivation.

Can be quite moving. Of course, I have recently suffered a significant setback.

Oh, now I'm supposed to ask what your setback is, right?

My lead actress, my Joan, has recently lost the power of coherent speech.

She just says snow over and over again.

I have no idea why.

Maybe she used to be a weather girl.

No, that's not it.

The point is, I have no Joan. But thanks to you, I now have a unique

opportunity.

How so?

By the delightful Mrs. Oates, of course.

She's going to be my Joan for a one -time -only, never -to -be -forgotten

performance featuring a climactic burning at the stake that will no doubt

startling in its realism. You son of a... Tell me the name of the second

Go to hell.

I hope you do realize, of course, that the more you resist, the happier it

me. You're going to torture me no matter what I tell you. So you can not only go

to hell, you can go fuck yourself if you in fact have a dick to fuck yourself

with. Well, I have to admit, you talk a good game.

Now we are going to see what you're really made of.

Let the play begin.

Attend and hear the tale of the gallant maid of Orleans.

Gallant Joan, chosen by God, betrayed

by man. Fly on wings imaginary

to our scene of justice most tragic.

Witness the burning.

of an angel in the marketplace of Rome.

Bring forth the accused, the Witch of Orleans.

Here you kneel, wicked girl, before

the authority of man and of God.

What speak you?

Huh?

Ow!

Kindly read the lines, Mrs. Oates. We are striving for some fragment of

integrity here.

The lines?

Ow! All right, all right.

Page one, please.

Uh, man and God, what speak you?

What shall I say to you who are wrapped in the royal robes of England?

sworn enemy of France.

Speak simply, girl. Thou stand not before man, but before God's

chosen officers.

Answer for the crimes of heresy and of witchcraft.

Confess, then, harlot.

Yeah? Ow!

What? I'm trying to find my line.

Uh, what shall I confess?

I who have but followed God's...

Ordinance. Ordinance.

Ow!

Ordinances. Ordinances.

Of what things do you fear to tell?

Of your speech with Satan?

Of his tempting?

Of the coven of thirteen which you led against your

rightful king?

I know no rightful king save my own king of France, Charles Vi.

Ow! What? I am reading it. It's not Vi.

It's V -I -I. Roman numeral seven. Charles VII.

Continue. Lance, this is all your fault.

Ow! Okay, okay, Charles VII.

And I know nothing of covens or intercourse with Satan. I do as my god

How do you like it so far?

The retard's doing a better job acting than Loretta.

Don't worry. I'm sure she'll get into the spirit of it as the drama unfolds.

Enough of thy blasphemies, daughter of Satan.

By the word of the rightful king, I order thee

bound to the post of repentance.

See, citizens of Ruan, behold the price of a witch,

daughter of Satan.

Confess, I pray thee, and save thy soul.

Oh, fuck off.

Ow! Holy... Steady half -brain.

Oh, noble sir, I am but a simple country maid.

Oh, jeez Louise.

Lance! God damn it, tell him the name of the lawyer.

I'm sorry, honey, that's my only bargaining chip.

You hang in there, honey lips.

Hang in there? Hang in there?

I'd have killed you, you son of a bitch.

Jimmy fucking Cricket, now what?

Lance!

Country maid, simple country maid.

My soul is God's, and his angels will welcome me to paradise.

He knows the secrets of my heart as no man, hold it steady, ever shall.

Though flames shall consume me, my face shall not fail. Though flames shall

consume me, holy shit, Lance.

Mr. Bogan, as you can see, we are rapidly approaching the climax of our

dramatic tableau.

Tell me the name of the second lawyer.

You ain't gonna start no fire on that stage.

You'll burn your whole house down.

Your concern for my residence is touching, but don't you worry. I've

precaution to fireproof the stage.

Vents will remove the smoke.

Hell and extinguishers will remove the flames.

After the play is over, nothing will be permanently damaged, with the exception

of Mrs. Oates.

Oh, God, Lance, he ain't kidding.

She's right. I ain't kidding.

Tell me the name of the second lawyer.

Tell me the name of the second lawyer.

No. Please, Jesus fucking Christ.

Proceed with the burning.

No, no, wait, wait, wait. I still have more lines.

That alone, Mrs. Oates, is sufficient motivation to proceed.

Mr. Cauchon, your line, please.

By the authority of the Holy Church.

I condemn thee to death by burning, Joan, maid

of Orleans.

May the devil receive thy soul.

Oh, God. Oh, God, this is not happening. This is just not happening.

Mary, God damn you. Whatever.

Not her!

Pretty girl, no burn.

Help, burn.

Myron, what a shame running out of your party like that.

You would have had me, you white trash. Loud or loud.

Or what, big brain?

You'll outflank me?

Yeah, or you'll what, huh?

Big brain, you outflank me?

Mind you've been on a rollercoaster? Oh, no. Because I am sure an artistic

connoisseur such as yourself would rather beat you.

Thanks

for

a lovely evening, Myron.

Lance Bogan.

What the heck's going on around here?

Beats the royal shit out of me, Howard.

I gotta go.

Yeah, okay.

I'll see you around.

Lance.

Lance.

Save me, Lance.

Save me. Help me.

Oh, Lance is coming.

Now, don't be playing hard to get.

House burned.

Well, isn't that just great? Isn't that perfect?

No Howard and now no Lance.

Not that I would have taken him back.

Of course, he did have ambition. I'll give him that.

Now what's a girl to do?

Pretty girl.

Yeah, well, thanks for everything, Otis.

I'll be seeing you around.

Otis.

Pretty girl.

Yeah, yeah, you Tarzan, me Jane. I'm sure we'd just make a swell couple.

You, Otis Stackpool.

Me, Loretta Stackpool.

You, only surviving Stackpool air.

Me, control Stackpool money.

Pretty Loretta.

Otis, there comes a time in a girl's life for romance and a time for

practicality. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Uh... Well, that's okay, honey. Don't you worry none. Your little sweetie

Loretta's gonna take care of everything.

Do you, Loretta Kozlowski -Otis,

take this?

This man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Otis Stackpool,

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Otis, say I do.

I... Yes.

Well...

I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss

the bride.

Oh, we'll skip that part. Thanks anyway.

There now, Otis. We're married.

Married? That's right. It's going to be you and me together.

I'm going to take good care of you. I'm going to be real sweet.

Sweet? That's right.

Well, you see, it all worked out in the end.

Don't you just love a happy ending?

Bye.