Original subtitles

ALMOST FAMOUS

All right, you chipmunks. Ready to sing your song?

-I'll say we are! -Yeah. Let's sing it now.

-Okay, Simon? -Okay.

-Okay, Theodore? -Okay.

Okay, Alvin? Alvin?

-Alvin! -Okay!

Christmas, Christmas time is near

Time for toys and time for cheer

We've been good but we can't last

Hurry, Christmas Hurry fast

Want a plane that loops the loop

Me, I want a hula hoop

We can hardly stand the wait

Please, Christmas Don't be late

You wanna be Atticus Finch.

-Oh, that makes me feel so good! -I like him.

-Why? -Well, he's honest.

-He stands up for the right thing. -Yes.

-And he's a good father. -He is.

-All by himself. -Did what all by himself?

-Raised his kids. -He didn't raise them by himself!

Who was the woman that came to their house every day?

-Calpurnia. -He remembered!

And what about Boo?

Boo Radley is the most interesting characters in "To Kill A Mockingbird".

Tell me more about Livia.

She killed everybody

so her son Tiberius could inherit the throne, like Nixon.

Shakespeare... Like those plays we went to see at the Old Globe.

-Anita? -Hey, Mom.

-Want somethin' to eat? -No, thanks. I already ate.

-Are you sure? I made soy cutlets. -I'm fine. I already ate.

Wait. You've been kissing.

-No, I haven't. No, I haven't. -Yes, you have. Yes, you have.

-I can tell. -You can't tell.

Not only can I tell, I know who it is. It's Darryl.

What you got under your coat?

It's unfair that we can't listen to our music.

It's because it is about drugs and promiscuous sex.

-Simon and Garfunkel is poetry. -It is the poetry of drugs and sex.

Honey, they're on pot.

First, it was butter. Then it was sugar and white flour, bacon, eggs, bologna,

rock'n'roll, motorcycles, then it was celebrating Christmas in September,

when you knew it wouldn't be commercialized.

-What else are you gonna ban? -You want to rebel against knowledge.

I'm trying to give you the Cliff Notes on how to live life in this world.

We're like nobody else I know!

I am a college professor. Why can't I teach my own kids? Use me!

Darryl says that you use knowledge to keep me down.

He says I'm a "yes" person and you are trying to raise us in a no environment.

Well, clearly "no" is a word Darryl doesn't hear much.

I can't live here! I hate you! Even William hates you.

-I don't hate her. -You do! You don't even know the truth.

-Sweetheart, don't be a drama queen. -Feck you!

-Hey! -This is a house of lies!

There it is.

-Your sister used the "f" word. -I think she said "feck."

-What's the difference? -The letter "U."

I look so much younger than everyone else.

Enjoy it while you can.

Mom, it's time.

-Can this wait till we get home? -Mom, pull over.

Tell him the truth. Tell him how old he is.

-He knows how old he is. -The other kids make fun of him.

He looks so young.

Nobody includes him. They call him "The Narc" behind his back.

-They do? -What's a narc?

-A narcotics officer. -Well, what's wrong with that?

Come on, you guys. It's no big deal.

I'm twelve. She skipped me a grade.

Big deal. I'm a year younger.

They're 13, I'm 12.

Aren't I?

I also put you in first grade when you were five, and I never told you.

-So I'm how old? -You're 11!

-Eleven? -So you skipped fifth grade!

There's too much padding in the grades. I taught elementary school.

This explains... so much.

You've robbed him of an adolescence.

Adolescence is a marketing tool.

Honey, I know you were expecting puberty,

but you're just gonna have to shine it on for a little while.

Who needs a crowd?

Who put such a high premium on being typical?

You're unique. Take those extra years and do what you want.

Go to Europe for a year. Take a look around.

See what you like. Follow your dream.

You'll still be the youngest lawyer in the country.

Your dad was proud. He knew you were a predominantly accelerated child.

What about me?

You are rebellious and ungrateful of my love.

This song explains why I'm leaving home to become a stewardess.

We can't talk? We have to listen to rock music?

I love you!

Hey, man, take good care of her in San Francisco, man.

One day... you'll be cool.

Look under your bed. It'll set you free.

Watch the plant.

You're 18. I can't stop you.

Bye.

She'll be back.

Maybe not soon.

Here's a theory for you to disregard completely.

Music, you know, true music, not just rock'n'roll, it chooses you.

It lives in your car, or alone, listening in your headphones,

with the vast, scenic bridges and angelic choirs in your brain.

It's a place apart from the vast, benign lap of America.

It's quite an honor to have the world's greatest rock critic

and editor of Creem magazine back home in San Diego for a few days...

-Lester Bangs. -"The Doors"? Jim Morrison?

He's a drunken buffon, posing as a poet.

-I like "The Doors". -Give me "The Guess Who"!

They got the courage to be drunken buffons, which makes them poetic.

Give me some "White Light/White Heat."

Iggy Pop! Amen.

I'll put this on. It's not on your playlist.

-Lester, it's a bit early for that. -Not for me.

Okay, that was Lester Bangs, this is Alice Wisdom, and here is Iggy Pop.

You're the kid who's been sending me the articles from the school newspaper.

Yeah. I've been doin' some stuff for a local underground paper also.

What are you, like, the star of your school?

They hate me.

You'll meet them all again on their long journey to the middle.

Your writing is damn good. It's just a shame you missed out on rock'n'roll.

-It's over. -Over?

You got here just in time for the death rattle.

Last gasp. Last grope.

-At least I'm here for that. -Yeah, what do you type on?

Smith Corona Galaxis Deluxe.

-And you like Lou Reed? -The early stuff.

In his new stuff, he's trying to be Bowie. He should just be himself.

-You take drugs? -No.

Smart kid.

I used to do speed.

You know, and sometimes a little cough syrup?

I'd stay up all night, just writin' and writin'.

I mean, like 25 pages of dribble...

You know, about The Faces, or Coltrane.

Just to fuckin' write.

All right. It's been nice to meet ya. Keep sending me your stuff.

I can't stand here all day talking to my many fans.

Yeah. I understand.

Because once you go to L.A., you're gonna have friends like crazy.

But they're gonna be fake friends. They're gonna try to corrupt you.

You got an honest face, and they're gonna tell you everything.

But you cannot make friends with the rock stars.

-Is it okay if I... -If you'll be a rock journalist...

First, you never get paid much.

But you will get free records from the record company.

There's just fuckin' nothin' about you that is controversial, man.

God, it's gonna get ugly! They'll buy you drinks.

You'll meet girls, they'll fly you places for free, offer you drugs...

It sounds great, but they are not your friends.

These are people who want you to write sanctimonious stories,

They will ruin rock'n'roll and strangle everything we love about it.

Then it just becomes an industry of cool.

You're coming along at a very dangerous time for rock'n'roll.

That's why I think you should just turn around and go back,

and be a lawyer or something.

But I can tell from your face that you won't.

I can give you 35 bucks. Give me 1000 words on Black Sabbath.

-An assignment? -Yeah.

You have to make your reputation on being honest,

and unmerciful.

Honest, unmerciful.

If you get into a jam, you can call me. I stay up late.

Look at this. An entire generation of Cinderellas and no slipper coming.

You want to get high? Lookin' to get high?

All I have to do is listen.

-That's what Lester Bangs said. -As long as I know this is a hobby.

I'll pick you up right here at 11:00 sharp.

If you get lost, use the family whistle.

-Good luck. -Thanks.

-Don't take drugs! -"Don't take drugs!"

Hi! I'm William Miller.

I'm here from Creem magazine, to interview Black Sabbath.

Not on the list.

-Sir, I'm a journalist. Here's a copy... -You're not on the list.

Go to the top of the ramp with the other girls.

What happens after I go to the top of the ramp?

-Who are you with? -Me? I'm with myself.

No, who are you with. What band?

I'm here to interview Black Sabbath. I'm a journalist.

-I'm not... You know. -You're not a what?

You're not a what?

-Not a... groupie. -Groupie?

We are not groupies.

This is Penny Lane, man. Show some respect.

Groupies sleep with rock stars 'cause they wanna be near someone famous.

We're here because of the music. We are Band Aids.

-She ran school for Band Aids. -We don't have intercourse with them.

We inspire the music. We're here because of the music.

She was the one who changed everything. She was the one who said:

"No more sex. No more exploiting our bodies and our hearts."

-Right... -Just blow jobs, and that's it.

It's all happening!

Penny!

I think I saw Sapphire in there.

Does anybody remember laughter?

Sapphire!

Come on!

Passes, girls. Come and get 'em.

-Oh, no. Not this one. -Who brought Opie?

-Oh, he's with us. -Top of the ramp!

-Don't go anywhere, Opie. -I'll take care of this, if I can.

Come on, boys. Pick it up, will ya?

This is outrageous. We're an hour and a half late!

Freddy! Open up! It's Stillwater! We're on the show!

Hi!

I'm a journalist. I write for Creem magazine.

Oh, the enemy. A rock writer.

Right. Well, I'd like to interview you, or somebody from your band.

Look, I'm sorry, but could you please fuck off?

We play for the fans, not the critics.

Freddy!

Russell, Jeff, Ed, Larry.

I really love your band. I think the song "Fever Dog"

is a big step forward for you guys.

And you guys producing it yourselves instead of Glyn Johns,

that was the right thing to do.

And, Russell, the guitar sound is "incindiary."

Incendiary.

Way to go.

-Hey, man. -Don't stop there.

-Where are you goin'? Come back. -I'm incendiary too, man.

-Freddy! -Hey.

-How ya doin', buddy? -He's with us. Come on this way, bro.

He's not on your list!

Some people have a hard time explaining rock'n'roll.

I don't think anyone can really explain rock'n'roll.

Maybe Pete Townshend, but that's okay!

Rock'n'roll is a lifestyle,

and a way of thinking, and it's not about money and popularity,

although some money would be nice.

But it's a voice that says, "Here I am,"

"and fuck you if you can't understand me."

And one of these people is gonna save the world.

And that means that rock'n'roll can save the world all of us together.

And the chicks are great. But what it all comes down to is that thing:

the indefinable thing when people catch something from your music.

What I'm talking about is... What am I talking about?

-The buzz. -The buzz. The chicks, the whatever...

Is an offshoot of the buzz.

Like you saying you liked "Fever Dog." That is the fucking buzz!

Found you a pass.

Thanks. I got in with Stillwater.

Stillwater!

Now, you're mysterious.

-How old are you? -Eighteen.

Me too. How old are we, really?

Seventeen.

-Me too! -Actually, I'm 16.

Me too. Isn't it funny? The truth just sounds different.

I'm 15.

What's your real name?

I'll never tell.

-The Enemy! Yes. -Russell!

This... is Penny Lane.

Penny Lane, Russell Hammond.

-Pleasure. -"Penny Lane." Like the song.

Have we met?

Bring the lights down.

Get "The Enemy" in here.

Get on my back for a piggyback ride.

-Good evening, San Diego! -Stand right over there.

Would you please welcome, from Troy, Michigan...

Stillwater!

Russell! I love you!

You wanna come to L.A.?

We'll be at the Riot House all week.

-Riot House? -Yeah.

The Continental Hyatt House. It's on Sunset Strip.

Oh, yeah. Right. Sunset Strip. Yeah.

Tell your friend, Miss Penny Lane, to call me.

Tell her it ain't California without her.

We want her around, like last summer. Say it just like that.

-Got it. -I'm under Harry Houdini.

I get it.

-Come on. Let's blow this burg! -The Enemy!

-Come up to L.A. We'll talk some more. -Bye!

-Bye, Opie. -Later, Jeff, Polexia. See ya, Dick.

-See ya down the line! -Scully, Ed. See ya, Mick.

Greg. Yeah, later, guys.

Bye, Opie.

Bye.

Hey, Red Dog. Red Dog, I'll see ya later, man.

"The Wheel." "Frosty."

Ainsworth. Ainsworth. I'll see you around, man.

-Penny! Penny! -Be cool!

Penny, you just missed Russell.

He said he's at the Riot House all week and for you to call him.

He's under the name Harry Houdini.

-You know about the Riot House, right? -I think I've heard of it.

Right, he had a message. He said:

It's not California without you. We want you around, like last summer.

No! He said, " Tell her it ain't California without you, we want..."

-I get the gist. -Right.

So how well do you guys know each other?

Call me if you need a rescue. We live in the same city.

I think I live in a different world.

Speaking of the world...

I've made a decision.

I'm gonna live in Morocco for one year.

I need a new crowd.

Do you wanna come?

Yes.

-You sure? -Ask me again.

-Do you wanna come? -Yes.

-You've gotta call me. -Okay.

-It's all happening. -It's all happening.

-You all right? -Yeah. Great.

And it's not about money and popularity...

And the chicks are great. Right?

Keep the small bills on the outside. And call me if anyone gets drunk.

I will call you if anyone anywhere gets drunk.

-And don't take drugs. -Very funny.

See? Sense of humor.

Funny joke. Have fun at the dance.

-I'm glad you're making friends. -Mom, stay.

-Okay. -Love you.

Bye.

I always tell the girls, never take it seriously.

If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.

If you never get hurt, you always have fun.

And if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store,

and visit your friends.

-So, you and Russell... -No!

Russell has a girlfriend, and I can't even say her name.

It's all happening. I'm about to use you as protection.

Penny!

I saw them on the 7th floor.

Mr. Jimmy Page, Mr. John Paul Jones...

Mr. Robert Plant. Mr. Robert Plant signed...

He signed my T-shirt five minutes ago.

Please don't smear it. Oh, gee, no, please don't...

But five minutes ago, he touched this pen.

-Vic is a Zeppelin fan. -Right, I picked that up.

He tours with them, but not with them.

Yeah, uh, they're on the 12th floor now, but...

There's no bigger Zeppelin fan than Vic.

Very dear, very close friend of Lester Bangs...

William... Miller...

Ladies and gentlemen!

At this time, please extinguish all smoking materials,

for the captain has turned on the No Smoking sign.

Your tray tables should be locked and in their full upright position.

The hell with it!

-Play on. -Miss Penny Lane.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Act One, in which she pretends she doesn't care about him.

Act Two, in which he pretends he doesn't care about her,

but he goes right for her.

Act Three, in which it all plays out the way she planned it.

-She'll eat him alive. -We've got to stop them.

Stop them? You were her excuse for coming here.

I need ice.

Hi, man.

-William Miller? -This is he.

This is Ben Fong-Torres. I'm the music editor at Rolling Stone magazine.

We got a couple copies of your stories from the San Diego Door.

-Is this the same William Miller? -Yes, it is.

"Voice of God, howling dogs, the spirit of rock'n'roll."

-This is good, solid stuff, man. -Well, thanks...

I think you should be writing for us. Any ideas?

-How about Stillwater? -Stillwater?

"Hard-working band makes good." New album out, their third.

Starting to do something. Crazy.

Let's do 3,000 words. Join the band on the road.

We'll set up billing. Don't let the band pay for anything.

We can only pay, let me see, 3,000 words...

Seven hundred dollars.

A grand. What's your background? Are you a journalism major?

-Yeah. -What college?

Honey, I need you to do that thing that fixes the garbage disposal.

Well, I certainly know how my lady gets when you don't snap to it.

-Crazy... -Crazy.

Stillwater? Beware of Rolling Stone magazine

cause they will change your story,

they'll rewrite it, turn it into swill...

But besides that, what would be wrong with it?

You got starry eyes, my friend.

Do the story.

Who cares, you know? It'll be good for ya.

Remember this: Don't do it to make friends with people,

who are trying to use you to further the big business desire,

to glorify worthless rock stars like Stillwater!

Don't let those swill merchants rewrite you.

-"Swill merchants." That's good. -Yeah, swill merchants.

-Now, what are you listening to? -Stillwater.

Stillwater? Fucking kid's doin' drugs.

No...

No more than 4 days. Give me a phone number where you are every minute.

Call me twice a day, and you do not miss more than one test!

And no drugs.

Oh, this is a big mistake.

Come on, Doris, you darling bus. You can make it.

-This is what I was talkin' about. -Russell!

Excuse me. I was wondering if maybe we could find some time to talk

when we get to Phoenix.

I want to interview everybody separately.

-I thought we'd start with you. -Absolutely.

-I've got a thing in a couple of days. -We'll figure out something later.

Just enjoy the ride.

-Keep playing that song. -All right, man.

Tempe, Arizona King of the Road Motor Lodge

Come by in a few minutes. We'll do that interview.

Sure.

-Is this Mr. Miller? -Yeah.

You have a message from Elaine. Your mother. She's a handful.

-I know. -She freaked me out.

Your mother Don't take drugs!

-I'm worried, man. -No, you can trust him. He's a fan.

But it's Rolling Stone. He looks harmless,

but he does represent the magazine that trashed "Layla," broke up Cream,

ripped every album Led Zeppelin ever made.

Don't forget the rules. This little shit is The Enemy. He writes what he sees.

Although, it would be cool to be on the cover.

Simon Kirke from Bad Company is by the pool.

Housekeeping.

-Go away! -Should I come by later?

Yes. I'm in too truthful a mood.

-Maybe that's a good thing. -Go away!

-You okay? -Yeah.

-Go away! -Come to the radio interview tonight.

-Okay. -Go away!

-Bye. -So rude!

-Pronto? -May I speak with William, please?

He's down in the bar with the band. They got back from the radio station.

Is this Maryann, with the pot?

No. This is not Maryann with the pot.

This is Elaine. His mother.

Could you give William a message for me, please?

Tell him to call home immediately, and also tell him...

I know what's going on.

All right. Okay. But I'm just gonna say this, and I'm gonna stand by it:

You should be really proud of him.

Cause I know men, and I'll bet you do too.

He respects women, and he likes women.

And let's just pause and appreciate a man like that.

You've created him out of thin air, you know, you raised him right.

He's havin' a great time. He's doin' a good job.

And, don't worry, he's still a virgin, and we're all lookin' out for him.

You know? That's more than I've ever even said to my own parents.

So there you go.

This is the maid speaking, by the way.

Russell! So, what is it you love about music?

Shut that thing off for a second, and I'll tell you the truth, all right?

Fuck! I trust you, so I'm just gonna lay this right on ya.

Just make us look cool.

I will quote you warmly and accurately.

Well, that's what I'm worried about.

You see, some of us, we got girlfriends back home.

Some of us have wives.

And some of the people that you meet on the road

are really amazing people.

Like you.

Yeah. But some of the stuff that happens,

it's good for a few people to know about, as opposed to, say...

a million people.

-Do you understand what I'm saying? -Yeah.

See, I grew up with these guys, but I can't play all that I can play.

I'm past 'em, as musicians,

but the more popular we get, the bigger their houses get,

the more responsibilities, the pressure, you know,

the harder it gets for me to walk out on 'em.

What am I doin'?

I'm telling secrets to the one guy you don't tell secrets to.

No. We'll do the interview tomorrow.

Okay.

-So, tonight, it's friends. -Right.

We trust ya.

-What's going on? -Russell just got electrocuted!

Come on! Let's get on the bus. Let's go!

This is bullshit, man. Who's takin' care of us? Who's responsible for the gear?

Get on the bus. Please, everyone.

-You the manager of this band? -Yes! That and more!

Yeah, you didn't finish your full set.

Pal, your shoddy stage setup almost killed my guitarist!

You trashed my fuckin' dressing room and you didn't do your 25 minutes.

-You don't fuck with my band's safety, -Well, fuck you!

I'm gonna report you to every promoter in this country!

What? What is that? What are you, Bruce Lee?

-Lock the gates! Motherfucker! -Go through the fucking gate.

This is your last fucking tour, man! Lock the gates on these fuckheads!

-Where's my goddamn cart? -William?

William! I forgot to tell you. Your mom called.

She says you gotta call home immediately.

And she says to tell you, "I know what's going on."

So, I'll see you guys in Topeka, okay?

Amateurs! You don't know who you're dealing with here! Lock the gates!

-You wanna buy a gate? -Yeah!

You just bought a gate!

Russell, wake up!

Wake the fuck up, man. High school girls.

Goddamn!

Let it go, Fellows. Let it go, buddy.

Dick, when do we get in to Topeka?

Larry, you're a sick individual. Leave it alone.

Wake up, man. Look at all these fucking tasty-looking high school girls.

We can't stop the bus every time you see a girl in shorts.

Hey. When we go to Morocco, I think we should wear

completely different clothes and be completely different people.

What will our names be?

What do you think of Russell?

I like him. But that's between us. Because I am a professional.

-You're comin' to Cleveland, right? -No!

I have to get my interview with Russell before Greenville.

-And you've got to help me, okay? -Here's the thing about Russell.

He's my last project. I only do this for a very few people,

and I think we should do it together.

Because all the guys are good, but he could be great.

What's your real name?

All right, let's go!

It's okay. I'm easy to forget. Just leave me behind!

I'm only the fucking lead singer!

You told me you would tell me where you were every minute.

You told me you would call me twice a day.

You told me you wouldn't miss even one test. Where are you?

Right now, Topeka. Then Greenville, then home.

What about graduation? We had an agreement, William.

I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday.

I guess I just miss you, and I don't understand

why I've driven my two kids so far away from me.

By all practical rules, don't I get you for another three years?

-Was I not fun? -Yes.

William! This is Beth from Denver.

She's one of the legendary, original Band Aids.

-She's clairvoyant! -I can't read your mind or anything.

I pick up things here and there.

Estrella says hi. She says I can stay in your room.

-Sure. -Great!

I've got some hydroponic pot!

Your aura is really fantastic!

-It's this beautiful purple color. -I love you.

I missed the last thing you said.

-Mom? -Your aura is purple!

-I love you. -What?

-Purple, it's purple. -Mom, what?

-Your aura is purple. -I miss you and I love you!

I love you.

Fire away. I'm ready.

Do you have to be depressed to write a sad song?

Do you have to be in love to write a love song?

Is the song better if it really happened to you?

Like "Love Thing." Where did you write that, and who is it about?

When did you get so professional?

Gentlemen, your first T-shirts have arrived.

It's the record company's mistake, and they will pay.

T-shirts are gone. Band happy, all right?

Can we just skip the vibe and go straight to us laughing about this?

-Yeah, okay. -I can see you want to get into it.

How can you tell? I'm just one of the out-of-focus guys.

Here. Take it. Let's take a good look at it, all right?

See, you love this T-shirt.

It lets you say everything you want to say.

-Well, it speaks pretty loudly to me. -It's a T-shirt.

Do you give a shit about a T-shirt?

I'm just hungry, man. Let's just go out and find some barbecue or somethin'.

I'm always gonna tell you the truth. From the very beginning,

we said I'm the front man and you're the guitarist with mystique.

That's the dynamic we agreed on.

Page, Plant. Mick, Keith.

But somehow it's all turning around.

We have got to control what's happening!

-There's a responsibility here. -Excuse me...

Didn't we all get into this to avoid responsibility?

I can't say any more with the writer here.

No. You can trust him. Say what you want. He won't write it.

I work as hard, or harder, than anybody on that stage.

You know what I do? I connect.

I get people off!

I look for the one guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off.

Actually, that you can print!

And yet, why do I always end up feeling like I'm a joke to you?

You want to pretend this isn't gonna be a very big band?

Well, it is! You call yourself a leader of this band,

but your direction allowed this T-shirt

when you allowed Dick to manage us.

Cause he's your friend!

Don't you see, man? The T-shirt is everything.

Is it my turn now? I think we should, for once, say what we really mean.

This is the part where you quit!

-Right. I'm so predictable. -Deal with it.

Let me just say what nobody else wants to say.

Your looks have become a problem.

All right, okay. Enough!

Break it up. Everyone out of the room for five minutes.

Hey! Yeah. William. Sorry.

Come on, man!

Let's go find something real.

From now on, I'm only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings.

That's it. That's all I'm interested in from here on out.

-You're real. -Thanks.

You know all about us, and I don't know shit about you.

Tell me, what's your family like?

My dad died of a heart attack,

and my sister believes that my mom is so intense

that she had to escape our family.

They can't seem to find a way to get through it.

I mean, they don't even speak to each other anymore.

Plus, she gave me all her albums, and now she's a stewardess.

It's good to talk about them, really good.

I'm telling secrets to the one guy you're not supposed to tell secrets to.

You're Russell from Stillwater.

Yeah, on my better days I'm Russell from Stillwater.

You wanna go to a party at my friend Aaron's house?

I know you're a big rock star and all,

but do you want to hang with some people looking to have a good time?

We're just real Topeka people, man.

Oh, my God. Holy shit. I grew up with that lamp shade, man.

I love this kitchen. I fucking love this kitchen!

That's William over there. Hey, William!

You, Aaron, are what it's all about.

You're real. Your room is real.

Your friends are real.

Real, man. Real, you know?

Real, you know?

You're more important than all the silly machinery.

The silly machinery. And you know it.

In 11 years it's gonna be 1984, man. Think about that.

Wanna see me feed a mouse to my snake?

Yes.

Russell, we should probably get back with the others.

-Oh, it's over, daddy. -Hey.

There's acid in the beer that's in the red cups.

Topeka. Check it out!

Please don't give him any more acid. Thank you.

Dick. Dick, I got him.

He's okay. He is on acid, though.

I can't really tell.

How do you know when it's kicked in?

I am a golden god!

Yes, you are!

I am a golden god!

Hey, Russell, don't jump!

And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were:

"I'm on drugs."

Russell, I think we should work on those last words.

Okay. I got it.

This is better. Last words...

I dig music.

I'm on drugs!

Look, just come on down, and we'll go back to the hotel.

-Okay. -Jump!

They've been crying for you like a bunch of whimpering pussies.

Oh, the band's over. This is my family now.

Yeah, that's right, man.

-Definitely. It's over. -He's staying with us.

Let's just ride on down to Greenville,

we'll listen to some great music, we'll finish the tour,

and we'll leave those ungrateful fools behind.

Then we'll come back here where you'll live.

Yeah, and he can stay in our basement.

-I see what you're doing, and I like it. -Okay, good.

-Come on. -I got it, man.

Excuse me, kids.

Look at him. He's taking notes with his eyes.

How do we know you're not a cop? Huh?

-The Enemy! Stop fuckin' looking at me! -Easy!

Don't worry. He only means half of what he says.

Which half?

Dick, just help me get my interview. I have to go home, Dick.

Dick, I have to go home.

Look, you saved the tour, and that's good enough for now. All right?

-Come on, big fella. Let's go. -I hurt the flower.

Did you hurt the flower? That's nice. Come on. On the bus.

Ladies and gentlemen, the evening is over.

We hope you all enjoyed yourselves, and we'll see you all again in 1974.

-Good evening! -Yeah!

I have to go home!

You are home.

In Carl Jung's opinion, we all have a sixth sense: Intuition.

When you meet someone and you feel like you can't live without them.

This could be the memory of a past love from the collective unconscious.

Or it could just be hormones.

I'm sorry I can't concentrate.

Rock stars have kidnapped my son.

Lester, Rolling Stone is calling me. I don't have my key interview.

I don't know what to say. Days are just going by.

You're flipping out. It's good. All right.

This is how you blow their minds.

He's gonna ask you... This is Ben Fong-Torres.

He's gonna ask you how the story's going, and this is what you do.

Tell him...

It's a think piece...

"A think piece."

about a mid-level band, struggling with their own limitations

in the, you know, harsh face of stardom.

"Harsh face."

He'll wet himself.

All dressed up, and no place to go.

Greenville. I'm bored.

-I have to pee. -Let's deflower the kid.

Hold on. Wait! I should leave.

I think things are going backwards for me.

-Backwards? -I thought maybe we could hang out.

You know, do some stuff back home, like regular stuff.

Get to know each other a little bit better and then I'd see you pee.

I mean, that's just the way I usually do it.

You're one of us.

If you come to Cleveland, Bowie's gonna be at Swingo's,

the greatest hotel in America,

and I'll introduce you to him and his security guard, Dennis.

Don't you have any regular friends?

Famous people are just more interesting.

Well, I would be worried that they were using me.

-Boy! If this was the real world... -Not that anybody's using you.

I'm not famous, but...

-Your time has come! -Did Russell call?

-Deflower. -Opie must die!

-Oh, no. Stop. We're talking. -Opie must die.

No.

Guys, come on. I have to write.

Come on, Penny! Join us!

Take a vacation from yourself.

-Leave this up to professionals. -Don't worry, William.

I've seen the future, and this all works out reasonably well.

Reasonably?

This is Ben Fong-Torres calling from Rolling Stone.

Hi, Ben Fong-Torres from Rolling Stone.

-You have such a sexy voice. -Hello, Ben.

William Miller, this is your editor at Rolling Stone.

-How's the story? -I'm getting good stuff out here.

-Yeah, it sounds like it. -Man, I need some...

Now, listen. Get it together, man.

We're both professionals here. I don't need to tell you this.

You're not out there to join the party. We have one Hunter Thompson.

You're out there to interview and to report. You got me?

Now this isn't Creem magazine. This is Rolling Stone.

We need this story in four days. Now, I want to know how it's shaping up.

It's a think piece about a mid-level band,

struggling with their own limitations in the harsh face of stardom.

That's great.

I like what we're saying.

Let me try and get you a thousand more words.

Now, it's in consideration for the cover, but don't tell the band.

The cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Crazy.

Crazy!

-Some coffee. -Me too.

Greenville is so boring.

You know, any other city in the world, and you'd still be a virgin.

-Oh, God! -What?

I've never written anything more than a few pages in my whole life.

Don't worry, baby. You will.

-I gotta find Russell. -Will you take the laundry?

"Take the laundry"?

What am I to you? Tell me right now.

What am I to you?

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind signing for this?

Good morning.

Please go the fuck away!

Hi, welcome to Swingo's Celebrity Inn. You must be Stillwater.

Hi, Mom. I'm in Cleveland.

I'm fine. I'm gonna fly back Monday morning.

No. I'll only miss one test. I'll be back for graduation.

-Tell her you're a slave to the groove. -No. Russell.

Hey, Mom, it's Russell Hammond. I play guitar in Stillwater.

How does it feel to be the mother of the greatest rock journalist we've met?

You've got a great kid.

There's nothing to worry about. We're taking good care of him.

-You should come to the show. -Listen to me, mister.

Your charm doesn't work on me. I'm onto you.

Of course you like him.

He worships you people. That's fine by you as long as he helps make you rich.

-Rich? I don't think so. -Listen to me.

He's a smart, good-hearted, 15-year-old kid with infinite potential.

This is not some apron-wearing mother you're speaking to.

I know all about your Valhalla of decadence, I shouldn't have let him go.

He's not ready for your world of compromised values

and diminished brain cells that you throw away like confetti.

-Am I speaking to you clearly? -Yes, ma'am.

If you break his spirit, keep him from his chosen profession,

which is law, something you may not value, but I do,

you'll meet the voice at the other end of this telephone, it'll not be pretty.

-Do we understand each other? -Yes, ma'am.

I didn't ask for this role, but I'll play it.

Now go do your best.

"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid."

Goethe said that.

It's not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell.

Please get my son home safely.

You know, I'm glad we spoke.

Song and bong it sounds like lots of fun

Won't you get on my back for a piggyback ride

Get on my back for a piggyback ride

-All right, boys. -All right.

Your mom kind of freaked me out.

She means well.

From Troy, Michigan,

would you please welcome to Cleveland...

Stillwater!

Russell.

So, Russell, when you play a great show like tonight...

Okay, I need everyone's attention, please.

Girls, I need five minutes with the band alone.

Well, it seems the rumors are true.

The record company has sent a big-time manager here

to try and talk you into replacing me.

His name is Dennis Hope. I know you've all heard of him.

He's got all the big bands. He's outside and he wants five minutes with you.

And I think we've gotta do this.

-Well, send him in. -Yeah, we'll send him out on a rail.

We'll finish the interview in Maryland. You can fly home from Maryland.

Hi!

We've already got a manager, man. He's been with us from the beginning.

We all have our roots. I believe in bands holding on to their roots.

But those roots need to be augmented. Your manager here needs a manager.

Example: If you hadn't run out on your contract in Phoenix,

we could have sued over Russell's hand.

But you left, negating the contract, forfeiting the deposit.

You effectively traveled a long way to pay that promoter to electrocute you.

Your damages have put you way in the hole for this tour.

Right now you owe the record company more than you've got.

But your record's selling. There's money to be made.

So I brought a plane in. We add more shows to make up the difference.

-We travel by bus. -Doris is the soul of this band.

That bus has been our home since we were the Jeff Bebe Band. No way.

I'd travel on a pogo stick if I thought we could make more money.

You could play more dates with a plane.

Well, it's not about money. It's about playing music and turning people on.

Clearly. Respectfully.

Why should we pay you for something we can do ourselves?

Do you know how to keep from getting charged for the ice,

below the floorboards at Chicago Stadium?

Do you know how to do a headlining tour?

Do you know how to get a record not pressed, but played?

You gotta take what you can,

when you can, while you can, and you gotta do it now.

That's what the big boys do.

If you think Mick Jagger will still be there trying to be a rock star at age 50

you're sadly, sadly mistaken.

I didn't invent the rainy day. I just own the best umbrella.

You're coming along at a very dangerous time for rock'n'roll.

The war is over. They won. And they will ruin rock'n'roll,

and strangle everything we love about it.

-Put them up. -Money down.

Hey! Is Russell Hammond here?

-Hey, The Enemy. -Come on in, son.

Hey, welcome to the road manager poker party.

The game has been going on for two years. Come on. Find a spot.

This is Mick, he's with The Who. Raymond, he's with The Eagles.

Reg, he's with Humble Pie. I think you know Red Dog.

We've been developing this system of poker over the years,

so you can play it in any condition.

-I'm in. -Side proposition to the winner.

For 50 bucks and a case of Heineken,

I'll throw into the pot three lovely ladies,

including Miss Penny Lane of the famous Band Aids,

who have to leave the tour before New York.

-Russ, is that okay with you? -Russ is getting soft on us.

-Is that okay? -Okay.

It's a deal. Show 'em.

Three lovely ladies in the custody of Humble Pie. Be good to them, Reg.

All right, so we owe you 50 dollars and a case of Heineken. All right.

Joint? And you know how I know this is good stuff?

-How's that? -This is from Crosby.

I'm in.

Look, nobody's feelings are getting hurt here.

She already knows that Leslie's coming to New York tomorrow.

This is the circus. Everybody's trying not to go home.

Nobody's saying good-bye.

Quit looking at me like that.

You think you can fool me.

I can read you. I know what you're thinking.

What's that?

You're worried about me and Russell.

-Yeah, I gotta work on that. -You're so sweet.

God, if there was more of you in him...

Don't tell me this stuff. I want to like him.

Did you miss a test or something?

You have no idea.

I know I'm not on the plane. And I'm not going on some other band's bus.

I could go with the road crew, but that would be pathetic

and the girls are all going with Humble Pie.

-If you could find out from Russell... -Penny.

Forget it. I'm flying to New York myself. I've got partial tickets.

I know his ex-wife, current girlfriend thing...

-I'm not sure that's a good idea. -Did Russell say something?

No, I don't know anything.

-I know he wants me there. -Wake up! Don't go to New York!

-Why are you yelling at me? -I thought we were going to Morocco.

There is no Morocco. There's never been a Morocco.

There's not even a Penny Lane. I don't even know your real name.

If I ever met a man in the real world

who looked at me the way you just looked at me...

When and where does this "real world" occur?

I mean, I'm really confused here.

All these rules and all these sayings and nicknames...

Honey, you're too sweet for rock'n'roll.

Sweet?

Where do you get off? Where do you get "sweet"?

I am dark and mysterious and pissed off!

And I could be very dangerous to all of you.

I am not sweet. And you should know that about me.

I am The Enemy!

Look, you should be happy for me.

You don't know what he says to me in private.

Maybe it is love, as much as it can be for somebody...

Who sold you to Humble Pie for 50 bucks and a case of beer?

I was there.

Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

What kind of beer?

Welcome to New York. It's okay to be nervous. You should be nervous.

All you can do is be yourself and leave a pint of blood on that stage.

Hey, William. We showed you America. Did everything but get you laid.

She's here.

-Russell, can I have your autograph? -Yeah.

-Leslie! How ya doin'? -Jeffrey.

Room's fully stocked. Air conditioning's on.

-By the way, you look stunning. -Thanks. See you later.

All right, bags in five. Cars leave for the party at 6:00.

-William? -Vic.

It's all happening. They're here. Zeppelin are here.

They are here. They're at The Plaza.

Sapphire and Miss Penny Lane are there too.

They're all staying under the name Emily Rugburn.

-Wait. Penny Lane is here? -Emily Rugburn.

William Miller? Sir, you have an urgent call.

This is Jann Wenner, publisher of Rolling Stone.

Congratulations, it's gonna be a cover.

Annie Leibovitz will shoot them next week in L. A...

but we are gonna need you back in San Francisco tomorrow.

You can finish the story here. Talk to Ben.

You can tell the band.

Alison needs you to transmit whatever you have of the story tonight.

There's a mojo at the Daily News they'll let us use.

-A mojo? -Yes.

It's a very modern machine that transmits pages over the telephone.

It only takes 18 minutes a page.

Guys. I have good news.

Guys!

You're gonna be on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Are you serious? The cover of Rolling Stone.

And we made it together.

And they don't just put somebody with one little hit

on the cover of Rolling Stone fucking magazine, man.

Damn it, I'm gonna enjoy this.

When I first bought the magazine, the Beatles were on the cover.

The Beatles. Four of them, four of us.

We take all kind of pills that give us all kind of thrills

But the thrill we never known

Was the thrill that'll get you

When you get your picture on the cover of Rolling Stone

Wanna see my picture on the cover

Gonna buy five copies for my mother

Wanna see my smiling face On the cover of the Rolling Stone

Thank you.

Who is that girl? She's creeping me out.

She's not with any of you guys, is she?

Yeah, she's with me.

So, who's gonna shoot it?

I am no good at good-byes.

And you are the last of my old-time friends.

Polexia... Polexia went to England with Deep Purple.

Can you believe that?

Even Sapphire went someplace else.

And all she left was her quaaludes.

Oh, wonderful.

Where's Beth?

Where's my friends? Where are all my friends?

Front desk? Could you please send a doctor?

Room 537.

-Penny, get up. -I'm up.

Uh, my wife's had an accident with some quaaludes.

-So tired. -You gotta get up, Penny.

-Penny, get up. Get up. -So... You know that.

You know that I'm retired. I've always been.

I'm retired and I'm tired.

-Jane Abbot. -Miss Jane Abbot.

Miss Judy Stanton.

Congratulations!

-Raymond Sanchez. -Mr. Raymond Sanchez.

-Seats and tray tables. -Seat backs and tray tables locked.

And our pending graduate, William Miller, not present.

Why doesn't he love me?

And to the class of 1973 we say,

don't forget to remember yourselves as you are today,

full of hope and the dream that everything is possible.

Honey, wake up!

And remember this 20 years from now...

Well, now that I have your attention,

I know you've heard this before, and I've never said this to anybody.

Well, nobody who didn't legally have to say it back to me...

Oh, God. Why am I so nervous? You'll never remember this.

I love you.

And I'm about to boldly go where

many men have gone before.

What've we got here? What's her name?

-Emily. -Okay, sweetheart. Sit up! Good girl!

-What did you take, sweetheart? -I'll get her legs.

-What did you take? -I don't know.

Yes, you do. Tell us what you took.

Emily, we're gonna have to pump your stomach, okay?

-Emily, wake up. -I got the tubes. There we go. Water.

All right. Now, you're gonna have to swallow this tube.

Open!

Don't fight us. We're trying to help you.

-Relax. -Come on. Swallow, swallow.

I know, I know. Swallow this now. No, don't bite on it. Swallow.

Emily, Emily. Come on. Swallow.

Very good. That's it. There we go. All done.

I'm trying to say I've done twice the things I said I did.

What about your mom?

She always said, " Marry up. Marry someone grand."

And that's why she named me Lady.

She named you "Lady"?

Lady Goodman.

Lady Goodman. That's great.

Now you know all my secrets. You've got me.

-See you back in the real world. -Thank you, William Miller.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Eastern Airlines to San Diego.

In preparation for our departure today,

we'd like to ask please that you extinguish all flammable items,

and do return all seats and tray tables to their full...

Why didn't you come back last night? Bob Dylan showed up.

He was sitting at our table for an hour or something, right, Dick?

Just rapping, Bob Dylan at our fucking table. I was looking for you.

-I was gonna introduce you. -What happened to you last night?

It's a long story.

Hi, this is Craig, your pilot.

It appears we've caught the edge of that electrical storm.

-Oh, my God. -Electrical storm?

-Rock'n'roll. -We shouldn't be here.

Doris, we miss you!

Listen, we're gonna try and land in Tupelo.

-We found a field to land in. -A field?

It's gonna be kind of a rough set down, but we should be fine.

Just hang in there, and we'll get you out of this.

Everyone says, "It's so glamorous out here."

He just told us we're gonna die.

I'm trying to maintain, but the fucking thing won't...

Oh, my God.

If something should happen, maybe I never said this enough...

I love all of you.

I once hit a man in Dearborn, Michigan. A hit-and-run.

I hit him and just kept on going.

I don't know if he's alive or dead, but I'm sorry.

Not a day goes by that I don't see his face.

My God!

I love you all too. You're like family to me. Especially since Marna left me.

If I took an extra dollar or two here and there, it's because I earned it.

-Yeah. I slept with Marna, Dick. -I did too.

I waited until you broke up with her, Dick, but me too.

I also slept with Leslie when you were fighting.

-You slept with Jeff? -Yeah, but it didn't count.

It was the summer we decided to be free of all rules.

-And you say you love me! -I don't love you, man. I never did.

None of us love you.

-You act above us, you always have. -Finally, the truth.

You just held it over us like you might leave, like we're lucky to be with you.

And we had to live with it, man.

I had to live with you, and now I might die with you...

-It's not fucking fair! -Please, enough!

And I'm still in love with you, Leslie.

Oh, I don't want to hear any more! Shut up, Jeffrey!

-Jeffrey? -It's all happening.

Whatever happens, Bebe, you're dead!

Don't be self-righteous, Russell, not now, man.

You were sleeping with Penny, that fucking groupie!

Last summer up until yesterday. Why don't you tell Leslie that?

-Shut up! -I quit!

-I'm gonna kill you! -I quit!

"That groupie"? She was a Band Aid.

All she did was love your band.

And you all used her, all of you. You used her and threw her away.

She almost died last night while you were with Bob Dylan!

You guys are always talking about the fans, the fans, the fans.

She was your biggest fan and you threw her away.

And if you can't see that, that's your biggest problem.

And I love her! I love her!

Fuck it!

I'm... I'm gay!

Thank God above, we're alive! We're gonna make it!

Sweet relief!

Write what you want.

You're William Miller?

-Yep. -Oh, baby.

Didn't anything happen, after 600 dollars in room service bills?

Didn't you get anything on tape with Russell Hammond?

What did you want to write? This reads like what they wanted you to write.

You obviously saw more than you wrote about.

I think we should push up Flippo's Who cover.

Good, 'cause it's gonna take me three days to get through this research.

It's all handwritten on little bits of paper!

-It's a puff-piece. -They refer to the women as chicks.

-I have a problem with that. -You want them to like you. It happens.

Ben, you told me to send what I had.

It's not finished. Give me tonight to work on it.

Oh, man. So you made friends with them?

See, friendship is the booze they feed you.

They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong.

Well, it was fun.

Because they make you feel cool.

-And I met you. You are not cool. -I know.

Even when I thought I was, I knew I wasn't.

Because we are uncool.

Women will always be a problem for guys like us.

Most of the great art in the world is about that very problem.

Good-looking people, they got no spine. Their art never lasts.

And they get the girls, but we're smarter.

Yeah, I can really see that now.

Because great art is about the guilt and longing,

and love disguised as sex and sex disguised as love.

Hey, let's face it, you got a big head start.

-I'm glad you were home. -I'm always home. I'm uncool.

-Me too. -You're doing great, man.

The only true currency in this bankrupt world

is what you share with someone else when you're uncool.

Listen, my advice to you,

and I know you think these guys are your friends,

if you want to be a true friend to them, be honest and unmerciful.

"I'm flying over Tupelo, Mississippi, with America's hottest band"

"and we're all about to die."

-Dark, lively. -Yeah, and it gets better.

Did this all really happen?

Give it to me. I'll call and check the quotes.

Holy shit! I just got off the phone with Rolling Stone.

They called me too. What's he using?

All, he's using it all. This, according to the "fact checker."

-So what? -"So what"?

We come off like amateurs,

some average band trying to come to grips with success,

jealous and fighting and breaking up.

We're buffoons!

"Rock'n'roll can save the world"? "The chicks are great"?

I sound like a dick!

-You are a dick. -I never said that!

Maybe we don't see ourselves the way we really are.

Is it that hard to make us look cool?

This kid has you on acid screaming, I'm a golden god, from a fan's rooftop.

They used him to fuck us. They'll probably just put you on the cover.

Wait. I never said, "I'm a golden god."

Or did I?

He was never a person. He was a journalist!

It's phenomenal, William. It's sophisticated. It's intelligent.

We only had to cut out a couple of graphs.

Jeff Bebe's mother sent over a shoe box of childhood photos.

It's gonna look fantastic.

The band just denied 90 percent of the story. It's a fabrication.

You weren't honest. And worse, you wasted our time.

Did you talk to Russell Hammond?

Russell Hammond is the one who denied it.

-Now, wait a second. -Denied it.

We're going with The Who. The manuscript's in my office.

He's just some fan. What do you expect?

Ben, wait!

William?

You guys, this is my brother.

-Nice to finally meet you. -You have a good day.

You guys, I'll deadhead back later. I think I'm needed.

I'll see ya.

You look awful.

But it's great. You're living your life.

You're free of Mom.

Hey, I'll take off work.

Let's have an adventure together, you and me, finally.

Anywhere you wanna go. Anywhere in the world.

This is not my idea of a good time.

-Just get me to my bed. -I'll deal with her.

I forgive you.

I didn't apologize.

-Sapphire. -Hey, boy!

-I hate good-byes. -Me too.

-Is Penny okay? -The quaaludes incident?

Well, it wasn't pretty. She could have died.

I always told her not to let too many guys fall in love with her.

I guess I was wrong. One of them ended up saving her life.

-William? -What do you care?

We all know what you did to him. Everybody knows...

Even Penny Lane.

Hey, Russell.

Can you believe these new girls?

None of them use birth control. And they eat all the steak.

They don't even know what it is to be a fan.

To truly love some silly little piece of music or some band,

so much that it hurts.

Hello, Penny? It's Russell. Don't hang up.

I can't really talk right now. I'm in a room full of people.

Actually, I'm alone.

And I won't call again. I promise.

But I need to see you face-to-face,

because I'm never as good as when you're there,

and I can see myself the way you look at me.

And I'm sorry. Maybe if we could just get together, find some time to talk.

Let's say all the things we never said.

Give me your address.

I'm coming to you this time.

Got a pen?

Hello, Penny.

I'm Russell Hammond.

So this is the famous Russell Hammond.

Come in.

-Is she home? -Who? Anita?

-Where am I? -Hello?

Hi.

You know, when we spoke, I felt that we connected.

My son is very important to me too.

And I do think you owe him an apology.

-I appreciate you showing up. -No, no. I agree, ma'am.

There's hope for you yet, Russell.

Hi!

So, this is where The Enemy sleeps.

I think we both wanted to be with her.

I guess she wanted us to be together.

You should give her a call. You both live in the same city.

-You really think I should? -Yeah.

That girl really cares about you.

Man, I never even knew her real name.

I called your magazine...

And told them the truth. I don't know what they're gonna do with it,

but I told them every word you wrote was true.

We are gonna do this one more time.

So, Russell, what do you love about music?

To begin with...

Everything.

Morocco. A seat by the window, please.

ALMOST FAMOUS