Original subtitles

To now, on Agapu Tuhi.

This bank doesn't have enough money for you guys. You have to take mine.

I'm really mad now.

In a pig's eye.

We lost it because you were too heavy looking at that bimbo. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you think it's easy? Trying to put somebody on your shoulders while a

dozen screaming females are trying to knock you off balance. You go ahead and

try it. You'll see how easy it is.

You'll see how easy it is.

They took our rent money.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

We have a serious problem.

They took my ring.

How are we going to pay our rent?

The ring that my grandmother gave me. I haven't a clue.

Our next week's salaries.

What do you think, Tommy?

That ring was a family heirloom.

We're out of bank.

We can take out a loan.

A what? From the Fat Chance Department?

We are flat broke.

It belongs.

to my grandmother's aunt on my mother's side.

We got salaries?

Did you say salaries?

Did you say salaries?

Yeah.

You let them take our salaries?

I did not let them take anything.

Our salaries were in the deposit bag along with the rent money. Capisce?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it was my new old truck.

I can't eat a truck.

There goes food.

O -ring?

My truck.

You should have seen it, Kurt.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Just like the Terminator.

Frankie, can I see your pistol, please?

Sure. Thank you.

Why did you do

that?

Perfect bank job, and you got to start doing Arnold Schwarzenegger?

What did I tell you guys, huh?

No talking, no shooting.

It was an accident, coach.

My finger slipped.

Because of your accident, I had to shoot a guard.

Now, do you know what they do here when you shoot someone?

They return the favor with the firing squad.

You see this?

This is what keeps us safe.

have a few more weeks to score for a lifetime.

I'm sorry for my finger. Sorry don't get it done, and I'm three hours late.

That Chelsea blew in this morning. I've got to get to the hotel.

She's going to have a fit.

Yeah, what do you want to do about the watches and jewelry?

I don't care.

Huh?

Hey. Yeah.

This will get me out of the doghouse.

But it's fresh kill. No.

No, I bought it off a tourist at the airport.

Needed airfare home.

It works for me.

Then shut up and let me do the thinking.

Now, you and Chino will load this stuff at the usual outlets.

Frankie, you stash the weapons.

Oh, and Finley told me this morning that the compound has been awarded temporary

diplomatic status.

Well, that means we're diplomats.

Oh, yeah.

You just get a top hat and tabs, huh?

Now, remember, you guys are supposed to be part of my staff.

That means you keep the peace nonviolently.

What do you want us to do if somebody gets out of line? Can you get them back

line? Just do it without busting their heads, got it? Busting heads?

I like that. Very American. I'm going to bust you in a minute if you don't do

exactly what I say.

Stanley Fairfax is a world -famous peace activist.

He smells blood, we lose our nest.

So kiss his ass.

Be cool.

Don't make waves.

We have the perfect hideout here.

Not to mention diplomatic immunity.

It's just too beautiful for words.

And you have Chelsea.

And there's certain things a man doesn't share.

Playing Caped Crusader again, huh?

I was trying to hide our deposit bag.

I'm just glad you're not hurt.

I mean, I like her really, really bad.

You think you got anything we can move on?

Just a remote.

Well, let's see. We got three robbers on the inside, one outside in a getaway

car. That's correct.

They were wearing masks, and they didn't talk. They whistled.

Whistled? Yes, whistled. They didn't say anything at all? They just whistled?

They said a lot, but with whistles.

They signaled each other.

One of them was going to shoot me.

The leader stopped him with a whistle. How do you know he was the leader?

Because he acted like the leader.

He's the one who shot the guard.

And this much I know, they were Americans.

Come on, Nicole, they were wearing masks.

And if they didn't talk, how could you possibly know they were Americans?

Maybe they were whistling the Star Spangled Banner. Listen, people, we have

get a paying client fast, or else we're going to be really poor.

Yeah, I'll go talk to the bank manager.

Come with me.

I don't know how I know.

I just know I know.

And you know that when I know, I know.

I want my ring back.

No.

I don't suppose you have a macrobiotic menu.

No. No, of course not.

Not economically feasible.

I must say you have an excessive amount of meat on this menu.

No offense, I'm a virgin.

It's a true vegetarian.

We don't eat anything that has a mother.

We're all hypocrites because we eat plants.

Plants may not have mothers, but they do have feelings.

When I play Mozart, my plants flourish.

But if I play Snoop Doggy Dog, they wither up and die.

They're just not into gangster rap.

Have you got the time?

Yes.

Artistic. Selectivity aside, we all have to compromise and eat something or we'd

starve.

I think I'll have two mangoes and a glass of breast juice.

I mean, uh, fresh juice.

My God, did you see her?

Hey, beautiful.

I'm sorry I'm late.

You're four hours late, and all you can say is you're sorry?

What do you want from me, huh? Five Hail Marys?

Come on, come eat some slack.

The only reason I'm late is because I stopped and got you a little gift.

Yeah, sure.

You're not even curious as to what it might be?

Couldn't even get it around. Oh, Coach, it's so cute.

I give you a trinket worth a few grand, and you call it cute.

It's beautiful, Coach. It's really beautiful.

Be still cute.

You know, we haven't seen each other for weeks. I thought you'd be, you know,

anxious.

Anxious isn't even a word for it.

Salivating.

You been closing a lot of deals?

Left and right, baby cakes.

Closed a big one this morning.

Come on.

I'm not staying at the hotel, baby.

Well, where are we staying?

The compound.

Compound? It sounds like a prison.

It's nice. It's sort of like camping out under the stars. Oh, I'm not camping

out anywhere where there's no room service.

You're going to like it. It's very tropical.

What do you call this place?

Alaska? It's on the beach, okay?

So is this.

Besides, I can't leave the hotel. I entered a tournament.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Chelsea, haven't you won enough beauty contests?

It's not a beauty contest.

It's a bikini challenge.

I enter you, too.

See, I get on your shoulders while other girls ride on other guys' shoulders,

and they try to knock me off. The one left standing wins.

I'm not believing this.

Oh, come on, Coochie. It'll be fun.

You know, isn't it bad enough I got to carry you around on my back?

Why should I lug you around on my shoulders, huh?

the other side of the lot, but they ought to be here any minute. Unless, of

course, they see another mugging on the way here.

I need a drink.

Maybe I should go with you.

In case you go into shock.

Okay.

I'm Finley Fairfax.

Chelsea Darling, with a D.

Chelsea with a D.

Well, that's catchy.

That's very regal.

You know, that's like royalty.

was 5 '8", 160 pounds.

The others were 6 '3", and 6 '2", 180 to 200 pounds. Age range, mid -20s

to mid -30s.

I didn't know you knew how to do that.

I do it, too.

What is it you do that I do that I don't know that you do?

Read Horace.

My Uncle Zoran. You remember I told you about him? He works in carnivals,

guessing ages and weight.

He taught me how to read auras.

When I get the person's age, I am almost always right on the nose.

Of course, you have to understand, I mean, technically speaking, if you're

reading auras, you're not really guessing.

Well, I don't know anything about auras, but I do know how these men move.

Too mature for 20, too athletic for holding.

The bank is not climbing up. They're afraid of offending the local

That's ridiculous.

Why should the police be offended?

They know less than we do. Oh, I know.

Anyway, I got the best deal I could.

The bank manager did say that he would pay for any information we come up with.

That's when I checked with Interpol.

I know bank crews that are whistlers.

Likewise with the FBI.

It appears we have a new M .O.

Interpol wants us to keep him in the loop.

Hey.

Did you describe them my ring?

Yes, Interpol. I told them.

Oh, thank you.

That means round up the usual suspects, huh? Joanna, down here there aren't any

usual suspects.

Because nobody, but nobody is loony enough to rob a bank. Just isn't done.

Then Nicole was right.

You know what?

You thought they were Americans.

Why not Europeans?

The attitude of the Yanks, we turn all over it.

Chill on the attitude for a bit and think about this for a minute, okay?

Now these guys, they ripped off all the customers and all the banks, right?

Right. Okay, well, if they get caught with those goods, it's a slam dunk.

Hmm. Straight to jail.

Do not pass go and do not collect $200.

Yeah, as good as the lot that Brady left us. God, I just hope they're gritty

enough to hang on to them. I'll get a list of personal items.

Okay, so we split up the list. We can pawn shops, jewelry distributors,

stores, resorts.

Hey, maybe I get my wings back.

When I first saw you?

I said to myself, there goes a movie star.

Have you been in any movies I might have seen?

Well, I've been in lots of movies.

I don't know if you watch adult content. Some people don't. But my movies are

very, very artistic.

The sex scenes are very, very tasteful. None of that trash stuff.

I'm not into kinky, if you know what I mean.

Mm -hmm.

I love my Shirley Temple.

When I was in New York, I went to some playhouse and studied the method.

I learned how to be a Catholic.

You can't fake it. They can tell you know.

I'm sure you'd be very convincing.

Well, I had this one fan. You wouldn't believe it, but there's a whole world of

adult fans out there who said that I was the best at fulfilling...

I never knew anyone before who owned a whole island.

I have this dream ever since I was a kid.

I've always wanted to create my own Shangri -La. Oh, I've been to that

restaurant. I love Chinese food.

No, this Shangri -La is not so much a place as it is an idea.

But you know, there are 110 armed conflicts going on right now around the

And a hundred of them are civil, which is really an oxymoron.

My boyfriend says most civilians are morons.

These people, they're ethnically the same people. They live in the same

and they're killing each other. It's stupid.

People should love one another.

Exactly.

That's why I bought my island, so that people can live in harmony.

No fighting, no violence.

Well, what's the name of your island?

I call it Friendly Finley.

Oh, I like that.

Friendly Finley. It has a nice ring to it. It must be a nice, peaceful place.

Peaceful and crime -free.

So, tell me, how does it look? You never saw so much silver.

Once we get inside, you'll think you've died and gone to heaven.

Let's do it.

Nicole,

look at that ring.

We've got one like that on our hot list.

A gold ring, about ten carats.

Looks about right.

Señor? Can we have a look at this ring, please?

Hey!

You can deal with us or the police. Now, take your pick.

Round, brilliant cut.

155 points.

A little more than 10 carats.

Oh, VVSI.

What?

Very, very slight inclusion.

I'd say the color was a grade 8, perhaps even a G. This is a really nice stone,

Nicole, worth about $15 ,000.

Joanna, how did you learn how to do that?

Oh, Aunt Fern.

She was a gem broker from Antwerp.

Your mother had two sisters and two brothers. Now, how is it possible that

have so many aunts and uncles?

Easy. Between the four of them, they got married 32 times.

That's incredible.

We had a lot of love in my family.

Oh, wait.

This is not on our list.

There's an engraving.

To Max.

From Mish.

Happy Hanukkah.

Gee, that is so sweet.

All that on one ring?

It's my friend.

Hi, baby. Sorry I'm late.

Oh.

Oh, what happened here? I fell.

Well, I see you met our world -famous peace activist.

Come on, cooch. I'm not famous.

Scramble or what?

You're a great speaker.

You hooked me, didn't you?

I've got a great idea.

Why don't we take Chelsea here and show her the compound?

Would you like to see it?

I'd really be honored.

It's just down the beach a little ways.

It's sort of a holding place.

It's temporary housing for the new citizens of Friendly Finley. It's a

place.

Of course, there's no room service.

So how can you buy an island? I didn't even know they were for sale.

Well, I didn't really buy it. It's a 99 -year lease.

So when are you going to move?

Pretty soon.

We have some homesteading procedures to work out first.

Oh.

Welcome.

Welcome. Just come right in. It's nice to see you.

Well, everyone's welcome. We'll find you a place.

Thank you. Go right in.

Say what you will, but this little dork's got a hell of a son.

On black velvet.

I want to buy this.

Are you completely out of your chord?

Why, what's wrong with it? God, what's wrong with it? Velvet paintings went out

with lava lamps.

That thing's pure junk. It's not worth a dime, Tommy.

Hey, look at this.

What?

Isn't this Nicole's ring?

What do you got for me, Lou?

A couple more details.

You're going to love this. The silver shop.

One guard.

Easy half million.

Looks like a piece of cake.

Hi.

Hi. I was hoping you'd do me a favor.

Sure, if I can.

Cooch and I have entered a contest.

It's a charity event, but Cooch can't make it, so I was hoping you would take

his place.

Well, what do I have to do? Oh, you don't have to do hardly anything.

Just let me mount you, then I do all the work.

You're going to love it.

103,

104,

105,

106. You're right.

Okay. Something good, huh?

So how does it look, huh?

I couldn't get even money. Well, what did we give up? Three to two.

That means we have to bet three to win two.

That's not good.

Good hell, it's a rip -off.

It's the best I could do.

No doubt because of your sterling performance last year.

Well, we lost. I know.

You were good, but you see, you were not focused.

And just because you're in booze heaven does not give you the reason to get

distracted. You have to stay focused, Tommy.

Don't worry about it, all right?

It's vocal.

Tommy's eyeballs just sprang a leak.

You did good.

You gave it your best. You were focused.

Even when that redhead lost her bra, it didn't distract him. No, no, no. Where

is the redhead? I see no redhead.

That's because you were focused.

Hi. I want to make sure you guys are all right.

Yeah, we're fine.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Chelsea. Chelsea Darling, right?

And Mr. Darling, congratulations.

No, no, I'm Finley Fairfax. I was just substituting for Mr. Darling.

I mean, Cooch.

Cooch. Lettuce and Cooch, he's my boyfriend.

But maybe he had an important business.

So Finley agreed to take his place.

What business is Mr.

Cooch in?

Oh, he's a money broker.

Which I don't really understand at all. I mean, how can he buy and sell money?

Doesn't he?

Well, I bet that keeps him really busy.

You have a compound down on the beach.

You ought to come by for a visit.

I'll show you around.

Okay, bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Oh, did you see it?

What, that brooch?

What about it? I saw the same one at the bank. The lizard brooch?

It's on our hot list.

Yeah.

When? We'll be right there.

They just hit the silver shop at the plaza.

and Cooch wasn't here.

You think it was a coincidence?

Well, why should it be? I mean, I heard what she said.

He had a business engagement.

Yeah, making an unauthorized withdrawal at the silver shop.

Sure enough, and everything you can on this Cooch guy and his partners, okay?

Oh, and not rather. Why don't you check out one of his hot cats and his friendly

family?

Cat darling, let's go change.

5 ,000 is okay.

Hey guys, we have a new client.

5 ,000 retainer and 20 more when we find his goods.

Maybe sooner than you think.

Wow!

Man, these guys are world -class scumbags.

Leonard Irving Cooch.

Huh.

So here he'd steal a grandmother's pacemaker if he got the right price for

Chelsea's clean.

Well, not pure, but not violent.

Finley's been arrested nine times.

Peace demonstrations only. Perhaps Tommy should accept Finley's invitation.

Go in the compound and sniff around.

It knows around.

You'll know.

Ask me.

See what you can find.

That might book them. I won't stop them from another try.

They probably think they've got diplomatic immunity or something.

Well, the compound would be the perfect center of operations.

Of course.

I had a whole bunch of foster parents.

My last one sat in front of the TV in their easy boy stairs, eating pizza and

drinking beer.

I never even saw the moon.

Finley Island.

We share everything.

Now what's mine?

What about down here?

Time to bail out and unload Finley at the same time.

My dad was pretty drunk.

He used to tell me that life is filled with stairs.

What?

You could go up.

Or you could go down.

Oh, T.

That is really deep.

You're a very intelligent man.

And cute.

Smart and cute are hard to find.

Most guys?

You wake up in the morning, they're hardly worth the shower.

Hey, that's the dirt bag that hawked your ring.

The antique dealer picked out his picture.

Do you think he's planning a robbery?

He's not in there planning a wedding.

Let's go in and talk to the manager.

So we've got a window over here, a window over here, an entrance,

What do you think? Do you like it?

Yeah.

Here he is, Cooch.

Finley, my friend.

The man I wanted to see.

There's no place on Friendly Finley for weapons.

Finley, have you ever robbed a bank?

Robbed a bank?

Of course not.

Well, there's always a first time for everything, lover boy.

Take this.

I'm not lover boy.

And I don't hot gun.

Well, take it or I'll blow your brains out right here.

Bath. Yep.

Tommy, we're catering a surprise party and we need you.

Okay, where?

At the palapa, you know, the palapa.

All right.

See, aren't we taking a chance giving Finley a gun?

You know, he couldn't hit a Winnebago with a bazooka.

Besides, it's not loaded.

Why give him one at all?

It's time to shut down the operation.

See the cops want to hang it on.

During the heist, he's a sitting duck.

Cops shoot him, we get away clean.

Superboy.

Now, Bentley Fairfax, you keep your gun pointed on that guard.

Try anybody in business, he'll be the first one to drop.

Okay, let's hit the ground.

It's Chelsea.

Or she picked a pinchy time to show up.

Miss Anne, let's go shopping. I don't like this dress on you, you know?

Can you believe it? I wanted a more glamorous name.

I changed my name to Chelsea Darling.

Now I'm going to be his queen, Mrs.

Finley Fairfax.

Wow, congratulations,

Your Highness.

All my life, I thought I'd end up with Roseanne.

And look what I've got.

My own Madonna.

Well, good luck to you both.

Yeah, we'll come visit you on the island.

We're going to miss you, Finley.

And you too, Mr.

Fax.

My friends.

Bye.

Get that lipstick off your face.

Gosh.

Show me some teeth.

Ha! That was awesome, man. That thing must weigh 350 pounds.

I wish I'd gone with you. Hey, well, next weekend, if I visit Finley on his

island paradise, I'm taking him out fishing.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Huh? Oh, please.

This came for you at the boutique.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got this in a swap.

This is what you call a collectible.

They only paid $100 for this thing.

The guy said in five years, this thing could be worth $200 or $300.

Five years to double your money?

Oh, that's not a very good investment.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's what a collectible is. In 10 years, this thing will be worth $1 ,000.

What is it?

A collectible.

Oh, wait until you see what I got. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to show you

this. What you got?

I paid 50 bucks for it. I just had it appraised for $3 ,000.