Original subtitles

And then the rabbit says, "how about that schnitzel?"

Well? Well what? There's no punch line.

That is the punch line. "How about that schnitzel," that's the punch line?

Not when you say it like that. How should I say it?

Like a punch line. "How about that schnitzel?!"

Oh, forget it. What?

You ruined my joke.

No, the punch line ruined your joke.

Ha! What?

You admit it's a punch line.

Oh, my God. Ha!

I am vindicated. "How about that schnitzel"

has officially been declared a punch line.

A really bad punch line. No one asked for the Norton critical edition.

All the schnitzel and I wanted was recognition, now we have it.

Man, it's packed in here.

I guess we counter it. I guess we do.

What?

What do you know? Your face really can freeze that way.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm great.

It's big, fat, happy sunshine day for me.

Business looks good. Yeah, the place is packed.

Sure, it's been taken over by the j. Crew catalog.

Look, babies! I never wanna hear that come outta your mouth again.

Bob, the yellow ball. Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball.

Ah, yellow duck. Ball.

Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball.

Every weekend, the same stupid group comes in here,

take up all my tables and chairs they can get their hands on.

And they do that. They sit, they stand.

One person holds a kid, another person holds a kid.

I've got choo-choo Joe. This guy runs in and out and back and forth.

He never takes his head out of that bag.

The women can't figure out which kid is which, and they do it all morning,

then order two iced teas to go, and that is it.

I'm sure you're exaggerating. I am not exaggerating.

Oh, God. Oh, now, this is good.

You see, choo-choo Joe will not be working.

Get the bongo bear. Get the bongo bear.

How did you know that? Joe has not been working for the last six months.

I don't think he's broken. I think he killed himself to get away from that family.

That kid's a major drooler. Yeah, it's like a fountain.

Okay, that's it. They have to go.

It's just spit. Pretend you're at a baseball game.

No, no, no. I've had enough.

Let them go not spend money at Al's. I'm through.

Is that woman doing what I think she's doing?

Oh, well, I can't be 100% sure, but...

Yeah, that's lunch. Why? This is a public place.

People are eating here. They sure are.

This cannot be sanitary. You don't know where that thing's been.

When did that become acceptable? In the old days,

a woman would never consider doing that in public.

They'd go find a barn or a cave or something.

It's indecent. This is a diner, not a peep show.

Consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers.

No one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again.

I have to do something. I just can't stand here and let the lactating continue.

Luke. Gross!

I'm not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see.

That's it.

You go make her stop. I'm not going over there.

Why not? You're a woman. So what?

So you have the same parts. What?

You shouldn't be scared of it. Scared of it?

You're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.

I am being taken advantage of here,

and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this.

Oh, jeez!

Okay, well...

That was kind of fun.

♪ If you're out on the road ♪

♪ feelin' lonely and so cold ♪

♪ all you have to do is call my name ♪

♪ and I'll be there on the next train ♪

♪ where you lead, I will follow ♪

♪ anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪ ♪ if you need ♪

♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ where you lead, I will follow ♪

♪ anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪ ♪ if you need ♪

♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow where you lead ♪

oh, is it your nap time?

The tylers in 12 asked to have their toxic pillows removed.

Our pillows aren't toxic.

According to the travel magazine that we put in their room,

down pillows can carry airborne diseases and mold.

Unbelievable. I didn't think anybody ever read those magazines.

She had to. There was a picture of a roast chicken on the cover.

Michel. She is large.

Michel! And her husband is ugly.

Hey! They threw pillows at me!

Independence inn.

You should identify yourself when you answer the phone.

Sorry. Independence inn, major disappointment speaking.

Better? Yes, thank you.

I wanna talk to you about something.

Shoot. I'm in charge of the society matrons league's

annual antique auction next Tuesday, I thought you'd like to come.

Society matrons league... that's quite a name.

What is wrong with that name?

Nothing. It just sounds so serious.

Brings to mind a roomful of old ladies wearing black dresses

and cameos, pushing spoonfuls of COD liver oil on the kids.

That's a very flattering portrait of my friends.

I meant the other old ladies in the league, the ones who don't like you and your friends

'cause you guys are so young. Kindly wrap this up soon.

Consider it wrapped. Thank you.

All the proceeds from the auction go to the children's hospital

and we're going to be offering some lovely pieces

which I think would look nice in your inn.

What sort of pieces? Basically a lot of canes

and shawls, a couple of walkers.

I believe we finally talked old lady rollins into giving up her teeth.

What sort of pieces, mom? We have a couple of wonderful writing desks

and some French end tables, rocking chairs, picture frames,

lamps, davenports. Well.

You probably won't find anything you like and you've wasted a couple of hours.

And who knows, you might find something you love.

I'll be way too busy to sit with you, if that is of concern. That is not a concern.

Define "way too busy." Are you interested or not?

When is this auction? Tuesday at 1:00.

I'll think about it. I'll see you Tuesday.

Bye.

I'm sorry. Did I hear you mention something about an auction?

My mother's women's group is having one next week.

Oh, well, you know, I love a good auction...

the drama, the strategy.

Strategy? Oh, yes.

First, you mustn't be too eager,

because that drives the price way up.

Don't be too eager... got it.

You must always be extremely careful of your paddle movement.

Well, that certainly calls for a "dirty."

How's your arm raise, good? Pretty good.

I have an excellent arm raise.

That's what it says on the bathroom wall.

Yes, well, if you need some tips...

I'll give you a call. Good.

Take me to the auction! Michel.

Take me! I insist you take me. You don't know if it's gonna be good.

It's a bunch of society women.

If your mother's involved, it will be impeccable.

I haven't been to one in over a year.

Well, I don't know. What do you want?

I don't want anything. Stop playing coy with me. I want into that auction.

You name your price. Okay. You have to work all weekends this month.

Done. And you have to answer the phone.

Done. And you have to answer it in English

unless the person is actually foreign.

Done. And you have to oversee the nature hikers next week.

No. Michel, if you want to go to this auction,

you have to be in the lobby at 6:00 Friday morning.

You have to hand out towels and water bottles.

You have to show them the hiking trails, and let them give you a nature name.

Fine. I will let them give me a nature name.

Alright, then, you can come. Thank you.

Buttercup. You cannot give them suggestions!

I can't believe you got into a fight with Pete.

You do not suddenly decide that garlic is an extra topping...

not after five years, not after all we've been through.

We single-handedly helped Pete pay for that new delivery truck,

I thought he needed to be reminded of that.

Very loudly. Not that loudly.

Dogs started barking. Because they heard about the garlic incident.

No one likes getting screwed. Pete's a swindler.

He takes advantage of single mothers

and their innocent children, and for that, he must pay.

He gave us free cheesy bread.

He did?

Oh. Yeah.

I love the cheesy bread. I know you do.

It's all hot, too. Now, doesn't someone feel a little silly?

Me? Should we call Pete tonight?

Okay... after cheesy bread.

Fine, after the cheesy bread.

I'm gonna go get the mail. Go inside.

I'm gonna go melt some more cheese on the pizza. Melt away.

Hey! Hello there, neighbor!

Hi. I'm sorry, are we neighbors?

Yes. Yes, we are. I just moved in across the way.

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beenie morrison's old place.

That's right. Beenie morrison's old place.

I live in beenie morrison's old place. Isn't that great?!

Only if beenie morrison didn't want to live there anymore.

Oh, no. I paid him a very good price... overpaid, actually. But it was worth it.

I've been dreaming about a place like beenie morrison's.

For a long time, and then I found it.

I'm sorry. I'm just really excited. That's okay. It's nice.

It's a great neighborhood. Yes, it is.

Everyone's so friendly. Babette... do you know babette?

Everybody knows babette. Oh, she's a great lady.

Oh, uh, anyhow, I'm Dwight. I'm lorelai, and if you see a teen walking around

with a halo and a book, that's my daughter, Rory.

Very nice to meet you, lorelai. Nice to meet you, too, Dwight. Welcome to the neighborhood.

If there's anything I can do to help out, let me know.

Really? Sure.

Well, that's great.

Actually, I have this little favor I'd love to ask.

Oh. Right now?

Well, this week.

I just got this beautiful lawn put in...

really amazing shade of green, the guy who put it in for me,

he told me that I have to keep each blade of grass

very moist for the first few days while the roots take,

but I have to go on a business trip for a few days...

last minute, I tried to get out of it,

but my boss said, "Dwight, get off your keister

and go make us some money," so I gotta go.

When "keister's" being thrown around, what are you gonna do?

Exactly. So I was wondering if maybe you could water my lawn.

Oh. Only for a few days... you know, a little in the morning,

a little in the late afternoon or evening.

Depending on your schedule. It would be a really big favor.

Uh, well, I... Guess I-I could water your lawn, Dwight.

Sure. Boy. That is something.

If I would've asked somebody back where I used to live to water my lawn

I would've gotten a much more "hbo" kind of answer.

I love it here! So, can you come on over now?

Excuse me? So I can show you where the on-off nozzle is.

It'll only take a second. My daughter's waiting inside for me.

Well, we can do it tomorrow before I leave.

Great. What time are you leaving?

6:00 A.M. now sounds fine.

That's so terrific. Uh, follow me.

Okay.

We're just gonna go over here... Oh, yeah, I know where it is.

Welcome to the oasis!

That's what I named this place... the oasis. My oasis.

A little slice of heaven right here on earth.

Gosh, I swear I still can't believe I'm here.

I was in a terrible marriage, you know. Actually, I didn't.

Horrible... like a punishment out of Greek mythology.

The woman had five heads... suffering, agony.

I used to be taller. Really? She shrunk you?

I used to have more hair, too, and higher arches. Well.

But through all the screaming and the name-calling,

the berating and the humiliation, somewhere in the back of my mind,

I knew someday I would have it... my oasis.

That's what got me through.

That's what kept me from sticking my head through a plate-glass window

every night when I got home. Well, that's a really... Nice... Story, Dwight.

It's very inspiring and...

oh, hey! This looks like it does something.

Huh? Oh, yeah. This is the on-off spigot.

Ah-ha! You just turn it to the right for "on"...

Oh.

And the left for "off."

Seems simple. It's very simple.

Okay, so twice a day. Yeah, for a good 15-minute soaking.

I will soak my best. I really appreciate it.

Okay, you have a good trip.

I owe ya. Heh heh.

Where have you been? Get in the house!

I thought you were getting the mail. Don't look around.

Stare straight ahead. No more talking to people ever. Mom!

Next up, we have an occasional table

from a distinguished family-owned company in Vermont,

circa 1912.

We shall start the bidding at $250.

Do I hear $250? 250, thank you.

Wow. Lots of garbage at these things.

Always... you've got to be patient

and wait for what you want to appear, then pounce.

Hmm. True at an auction, true at a singles bar.

To put it crudely, yes. Crap, crap...

Crap that makes the previous two items not seem like crap.

Could you keep your crap commentaries to yourself?

$400. We have 400.

400 going once... Going twice... Sold to bidder number...

Wow, that was a great table. It's a good table, not a great table.

We should've gone for it. Too expensive and many scratches.

We could've buffed the scratches out. If you want it that bad,

it's obvious that the buyer's children will sell it at his probate in the very near future.

You're awful. And he's old. Now be quiet.

Lorelai.

Oh, hey, mom. You remember Michel.

Yes, from the inn. Hello, Mrs. gilmore.

Didn't you see me waving at you before?

Yeah. You didn't wave back.

It's dangerous to wave at an auction.

When you waved, you bought a motorcycle and a sidecar.

I did not. Circa 1912.

Would you drive it or would you sit in the sidecar?

There she is... the cobra.

Oh, now, Natalie. The what?

This woman gets her way or she squeezes till you comply.

Like a superhero. Ignore her. Natalie is just being Natalie.

My daughter, lorelai. Nice to meet you.

Your mother's got such spunk. You must love her.

I think she'd squeeze me to death if I didn't.

Natalie, you're embarrassing me. Oh, hush, Emily. Listen to this.

Our auctioneer calls in sick this morning...

they are such flakes...

and what is an auction without an auctioneer?

Just a bunch of nuts with paddles surrounded by mismatched furniture.

Exactly. But your mother got on the horn with that lazy Charlie,

and she squeezed and squeezed

till... voila... he suddenly felt better.

The cobra. The cobra.

Oh, now, stop it.

You're humble. Don't be. Nice to meet you.

Same here. Edna's group wants to give you kudos, too, Emily.

Make sure to swing by. I will.

I should make the rounds. Say goodbye before you leave.

Hmm, I will, cobra. Stop it!

Goes with the motorcycle thing, too.

250, thank you. Do I have 300? 300?

Oh, is this our end table? Shh!

350. Do we have 400?

Let me do the paddle. No.

I just wanna hold it. It's still your thing.

I'm losing my concentration.

Fine. I'm gonna go get a drink.

Oh, please.

Do we have $500?

Can I get a Merlot, please? Yes, sir.

That sounds great. Make it two. Got just enough for one, this is the last of the red. Sorry.

Ohh. I'll give you two bucks for it.

They're free. Which makes two bucks a great offer,

and this is an auction, right?

Yes. I'll give you $3 for it.

$4. $5.

$6. $6.50.

Ooh, losing steam. I'm just weighing cost versus benefit.

You got to think about these things.

How about this... can I get an empty glass?

Yes, sir.

Awww.

You're the Solomon of wine.

Everybody's got to be something.

I got a few things coming up that I'm bidding on.

Great... bartender and I are the only ones in the building

who don't get to hold a paddle. Why don't you bid on one of them?

What would I use to bid on it? I'm Solomon, not Einstein.

Bye, Solomon.

Oops. I had a spare bottle all the time.

Oh, thanks. This was better.

Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday. I was wondering if you could help me.

Um, I met a man there, and I-I would like to contact him, I didn't get his name,

and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number 17...

oh, right. C-confidential. Got it.

You know, actually, I misspoke earlier,

because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact.

He's an old friend from school.

Good question. Well, I don't know his name

because I only knew him by his nickname.

Uh... Shamu. We called him shamu.

He was kind of a big guy in high school,

but he's slimmed down quite a bit.

No, see, I don't have time

to contact the high school alumni committee,

because time is of the essence.

Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction,

and we bought a lottery ticket together, and we tore it,

and I took half, and he took half,

and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win!

$14 million! Really.

But, see, we have to claim it by 4:00 P.M. today or we forfeit...

ah, yes. Oh...

well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you.

See, um...

My blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative,

and I have a medical condition that...

alright, then. Well, thank you, anyway.

Bye.

So...

Yes? You ran into your old friend shamu?

And you won millions of dollars? And you need a transfusion? I'm trying to get the name

of a guy I met, but they won't give it to me.

Wow. That's effort. He must have been cute.

And witty. You don't meet that every day.

You know who would have his name? Grandma.

She only knows the biddies, not the young ones.

She knows everyone at these kinds of things.

I cannot ask her for this. Then kiss shamu goodbye.

But maybe you could ask her.

What? Come on, ask her. Do me a favor.

You want me to ask the name of a man I didn't meet at a function?

I'll share my lottery winnings with you. It's ridiculously transparent.

$14 million. You're sharing half with him, taxes will take a huge chunk,

and... you didn't win the lottery.

Ask her yourself. You're mean!

Did you call information and ask for paddle 17's listing?

What do you think of the pork? Rory?

It's good.

I'm not sure. Richard?

It's fine. I'm not sure.

It's really good, mom. Yes, well, I'm not sure.

Pork is bred leaner these days. It has a different taste.

Less fat equals less flavor.

Yet another example of the great advances man has made...

flavorless pork.

Hurrah for the opposable thumbs.

Enough talk about pork. Please, someone change the subject.

Mom had a really good time at the auction the other day.

Did you? Yes. Yes, I did.

I'm glad. Did you see anything you liked?

Yeah, mom. Anything look good to you there?

Yes, actually, I bought a couple of end tables for the inn.

I was very impressed with the selection this year.

I even wound up purchasing a couple of pieces for myself.

Yes. How nice to have yet another chair you can't sit in.

It's 100-years-old.

We can put it next to the

200-year-old footstool you can't put your foot on.

Richard, please. I'm only teasing.

It's a great pleasure to be able

to surround you with a house full of useless objects.

No, I-I'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner staring at our furniture.

Eat your pork, please. I believe there was something at the auction

that mom wanted, but she didn't get. Oh, really? What was that?

Guess it was a steamer trunk for Rory to take with her to military school, right?

I don't remember it, but I can check on it for you if you like. That's not necessary, mom.

So, mom, it was a very nice bunch of people you had at that auction.

Yes, very nice.

I was surprised at how many young people were there.

I mean, you know, younger people.

Um, in fact, like, for instance,

this guy that I talked to for quite a while. He was... Younger.

What man was that? I didn't get his name, but he was a nice-looking guy.

He had a gray suit, and he was paddle number 17. He likes Merlot.

Are you talking about Peyton Sanders?

I don't know. Maybe.

Wait one second. I'll look it up.

Oh, no, mom. You don't have to...

she's looking it up.

Paddle number 17... Peyton Sanders.

Oh, great. Oh, Peyton Sanders.

Well, that's great that it's Peyton Sanders

because that's... Uh... Great. How well do you know this Peyton Sanders?

Why do you want to know how well I know Peyton Sanders? What?

I don't want to know. I was just mentioning that he was, you know, seemed...

young. Yes, young.

Okay, mom, uh, Peyton and I kind of hit it off,

and I wondered if... You possibly had his number.

Okay, there, I said it. Pass the flavorless pork.

You're asking me for his number. If it's not a big deal, yes.

Well, well, well. Richard, lorelai's asking me for a man's number.

So I heard. If it's a big deal, forget it.

It's not a big deal at all. I don't have his number. Okay. Never mind.

I can get his number. You want me to? It's up to you.

I didn't ask for his number. You asked for his number.

Therefore, it has to be up to you.

Okay, mom. Do you want his number?

If you don't mind. I don't mind at all.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I wasn't kidding about that military school.

If we hurry, we still have time to hit Luke's for breakfast.

What did I forget? Pants.

Don't do that. Let's go.

I can't. You gotta have breakfast.

The clock is wrong. I'll miss my bus. I'll drive you to school.

You will? Yes. Oh, shoot! Dwight's lawn.

Oh, there goes the breakfast sandwich.

No. Let's hurry. We can still do Luke's.

Mom! Let's go!

My shoes. You don't need shoes.

In my day, we walked 20 Miles in the snow just to get to our shoes.

Okay, come on. Sprinkle.

Drink up. We got a breakfast to get to.

Mom, I think this is for you.

"Lorelai"... no, must be someone else.

Hey, don't read that. Do not read that.

I'm telling you, it's no good.

"Dear lorelai"... and she's reading it.

"Just a few things that came to mind after we talked. Oh, great.

"Thank you for the very kind favor.

"I can't believe that anybody would be

so kind to someone they just met."

Apparently Dwight's last home was oz, and not as in "the wizard of."

"Second, since you are already coming over,

"I was hoping you wouldn't mind stopping inside

"and watering my African violets.

"I have written the directions on a separate piece of paper.

"There's a key in the planter by the door.

"Please go in. Make yourself at home.

"I have food in the fridge, satellite TV,

"and a great collection of board games.

My oasis is your oasis." I'm not going in that house.

Rory, do not pick up that key.

But we have to water the violets. No, he threw the violets in

after he'd already rooked me into watering his lawn.

Don't you at least want to see what his house looks like? Absolutely not.

Key, please.

Let me just say if we walk in there

and his dead mother is sitting in a rocking chair, not a bit surprised.

Oh, yeah, Dwight. This place is great.

Someone took the whole lounge craze very seriously.

Oh, my! Oh, jeez. He wasn't kidding.

I've never seen this many board games.

He's got monopoly from every country in the world.

When you finally meet him, remember he owns twister.

There's a great visual awaiting you. Got it.

Hey, how come we don't have a tiki bar?

Well, we are not two wild and crazy guys.

You like pina coladas. And getting lost in the rain.

I love it here. It's quite a statement.

Hey, African violets. Oh, yeah, right.

Ooh. Just a sec.

Hello? Hi, Peyton. Thanks for calling me back.

Well, I hope it was a good surprise.

It was a good surprise. Yay!

You just flew back on your jet, huh?

From Maui? Sounds great.

Yes, I would love to get together with you.

Um, I'm pretty flexible next week.

What did you have in mind?

David bowie? What?

I love David bowie. I would love to go.

Well, yeah, it is a ways away, but...

no, I think that sounds just crazy enough.

What sounds crazy enough?

Well, that sounds great, Peyton. It's a plan.

I'll see you then. Okay, bye.

We're having dinner tomorrow. What were you saying about David bowie?

He asked me to the bowie concert.

You're so lucky. I know.

Later, he said a week was too long to wait.

He did not. So we're having dinner tomorrow.

And bowie next week? And bowie next week.

Two dates in one phone call. Talk about not wasting any time.

He sounds cool, not just 'cause he owns his own jet.

To tell him that the way to get to you is through me,

who desperately wants to go to Amsterdam. I will remember.

I think this place is lucky. You may be right.

'Course, "creepy" is the other word that comes to mind.

The red skirt is not working.

Try the blue. Blue let me down 10 minutes ago. It's conspiring with the red.

Wear the dress we picked out this morning.

The morning butt and evening butt are two completely different butts.

Whatever butt you've got tonight had better hurry, because he's gonna be here any minute.

Okay, striped skirt, burgundy sweater... that's it.

What do you think? I'm wearing this anyway because I cannot spend

another moment deciding what to wear, it has to be "you look fantastic."

You look fantastic.

Pink and black. With the flippy skirt.

Grab a necklace.

Um, okay, here's my concern. Voice it.

Well, I only saw this guy once for, like, 10 minutes,

and the lighting was only so-so,

and I hadn't eaten anything.

What if I'm remembering him a lot cuter than he was?

I'm sure you're not. But what if I am? You know how these things are...

you get bored, you need a diversion,

so you superimpose a really cute guy's face

over a really scary-looking guy.

You'll just have to strike up a conversation with him

and find out what kind of man he is beneath the surface.

What? On a first date? What will he think of me? Just order an extra dessert.

Okay, fine. Well? I liked the brown.

Come here. You've got dirt on your forehead.

I'm sorry. It's the sign of the devil.

You look beautiful. Thank you.

That's him.

Well, the car sure is pretty.

Come on.

Now, if he does have a horn in the middle of his forehead,

you will call me in one hour with fever.

Deal. God, I'm nervous. Why am I nervous?

Because you're crazy. Yes. Good. Thank you.

Hi.

You're feeling just fine.

Hey, Peyton. Am I early?

Right on time. I want you to meet my daughter, Rory.

It's a pleasure, Rory. Hi.

Don't wait up. And only two or three crackheads at the most.

They eat all the good cereal. Deal. Have fun.

Nice meeting you, Rory. You look wonderful.

Oh, so do you, Peyton. So do you.

Are you up?

What time is it? 10:15.

Oops. Yup.

What happened? He was hornless.

No, he had no horns... he also had no personality,

no sense of humor, and no idea how boring he was.

I'm sorry. That's okay.

The evening started well... until we got to the car,

a Jaguar xj8 convertible with a 290-horsepower engine,

in case you were wondering. You weren't? Funny... neither was I.

However, he told me anyhow. He told me a lot of other things about the car also.

Did you know how many inches the pistons are? I do.

I know the correct oil for it, how to treat the leather interior,

how to load it onto a flatbed truck in case of a flat.

Jeez. Did he talk about anything else?

Not until we got to the restaurant... And the wine list.

Oh, no! He's a winey? Yes... he sniffed, swirled, swished,

and did every other pretentious and borderline-disgusting thing

you can do with wine in a public place,

and he did it while describing to me the vintage discrepancies

and the wood they use for the barrels in palermo

and the grape-crop projections for the following year.

And I, in turn, chimed in with my story

about getting sick on Andre cold duck in the back of Peter cutler's car in 9th grade.

He didn't find that quite as charming. I can't believe that.

That is one of your best anecdotes. I know. So I stopped talking.

He continued talking, and I just sat there,

thinking about Peter cutler... how was Peter cutler? Where was Peter cutler?

Was there any chance that Peter cutler would appear

and kill the man talking about torque?

Was the food good? Tiny portions, weird sauces.

I'm sorry. That's okay. You don't know until you try, right?

Anyhow, I am going to go to bed and dream of Peter cutler. Hopefully, it will be dirty.

What about bowie? Unh-unh! I'm not sharing Peter cutler with bowie.

Are you still going? No. There's no way I could stand this guy for another night.

I'll catch bowie the next time he does a farewell tour. Bummer.

I know.

Night, mom. Night, babe.

And tomorrow, I'll fill you in on how many hours

you have to clock to get your pilot's license. I cannot wait.

Well, the quilting convention is sitting down to tea.

I'm doing internal cartwheels.

Any messages? Your mother called.

The auction people dropped the lamp we bought

and dropped hers off here, and she's desperate to have it

for some soiree at her house this evening.

I can take it to her when I do my other errands. I can pick up Rory, too.

This is cool. Yes, it was a personal purchase.

I want it. What is it? An 18th century bleeding bowl.

A bleeding bowl?

When doctors bled patients,

the blood had to go somewhere, no?

Okay, return lamp, pick up Rory, boil right hand.

Ugh.

Hey, mom. I think this is yours. Ah! Yes, it is.

And I believe this is yours. Yes, it is.

That auction house is usually so good with deliveries.

I'm surprised at the mix-up. Well, gilmore and gilmore... there's kind of a connection.

Yes, I suppose there is. Well, I have to pick up Rory, so we'll see you Friday.

Would you like some coffee? Oh, I don't want to leave her standing there.

Rory doesn't get out for another half an hour.

Okay. I guess I can stay a minute. Wonderful!

I'll get you a stopwatch so you can keep exact time. That won't be necessary, mom.

So, how is everything? Everything's fine.

And how's everything with Rory? Everything with Rory's fine.

And how's everything at the inn? Everything at the inn is fine.

And how was your date? My what?

Your date with Peyton. Well, my date was, shockingly enough, fine.

How did you know about it? His mother told me.

You know his mother? A little.

Oh, good. Tell me... what did you do?

When? On your date.

Oh, well... We just went to dinner, that's all.

I heard you went driving around afterward.

Well... Sure, uh, we drove in the direction of my house.

I guess you could call that driving around.

I heard Peyton had a lovely time.

Well, that's nice. I'm glad. I should really get going, mom.

You have time. I want to hear about your date.

Well, it was just a date, nothing special...

two people eating and talking, one talking more than the other.

Has he called you since? No, but...

well, it was only last night. There's time.

I just think this is so exciting!

I wouldn't get too excited if I were you. Why not?

We didn't really hit it off that well.

What? He's just not my type.

What do you mean? We don't have the same interests,

we didn't find much to talk about. The date was kind of a dud.

Oh. Well, that's too bad. Yeah.

You'll just have to try harder on the next date. Excuse me?

Aren't you going to a concert together next week?

He's a real mama's boy, isn't he? Just because he shares his life

with his mother it doesn't make him a mama's boy. I'm not gonna going.

I thought you had a plan. That was before we spent time together

and realized we can't spend time together. You're not gonna cancel?

Believe me, he won't be surprised. He didn't have a great time either.

You have to go to the concert. You made a commitment. You have to honor it.

Mom, this is my business, okay? Oh! This is so like you!

What is so like me? You spend five seconds with a person,

if they say one wrong thing, you turn on them.

What? You are extremely judgmental, lorelai.

I'm not judgmental of the pot calling the kettle black.

I spent time with a man who talked about nothing but himself, his place...

He's proud of his accomplishments.

What's wrong with that? He didn't end world hunger.

He made the grueling decision to spring for the bigger tires.

Lorelai... mom, I have to go.

We're not finished discussing this. There's nothing to discuss.

Rory's waiting. I'll see you Friday.

Ooh! I got you a present. What?

In my purse.

"Cardio salsa."

Yeah, they play the Miami sound machine,

and you dance around and get a great workout.

Why'd you buy me this? I'll feel stupid doing it alone.

Too bad. Come on!

No way. Salsa with me. Pretend I'm Antonio banderas.

If you were standing in back of him, I couldn't pretend that you're Antonio banderas.

Don't you want me to live a healthy life?

Not if I have to do cardio salsa. Nice knowing you, senora. Adios.

I would salsa for you. Well, luckily, you'll never have to.

Hello? Oh, Dwight. Hi. It's nice to... Hear from you, too.

How did you get my cellphone number?

Oh, yeah, got to love that babette, huh?

Oh, the lawn's fine. Okay.

Okay.

S-sure, Dwight. You have a safe trip.

Yeah. Bye. It seems that Dwight has been checking the weather reports,

and stars hollow is going to be extra-sunny,

so he thought, instead of watering the lawn twice a day for 15 minutes,

we could water it three times for 10 minutes. He should get a dog.

Only if that dog uses the bathroom at the gas station, 'cause that lawn is off-limits.

True. I have to get back to the inn. Could you, um, water for me?

It was your idea to do it. I have a China shipment coming in.

Do it tonight. It needs it now, if we let that lawn die,

he's gonna vibe us forever. Not me. I'm going off to college.

You'll be home for holidays. Maybe not now.

You would stay away just because of Dwight?

Hey, nobody wants vibing on the holidays.

I'm gonna be seriously late if I have to go home.

Fine. Thank you. You're my favorite daughter.

You say that to all your daughters. Yes, I only mean it with you.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, Dwight, please!

You're on a business trip. Get a hooker.

Hello? Lorelai. Good. I'm glad I got you.

I wanted you to know that I'm playing golf

with Peyton's father, brennon, on Sunday.

Okay. Wear sunscreen.

I will call you afterward and we can evaluate how to proceed.

What are you talking about? I'm not sure how much damage has been done,

I need time with the man to assess if an apology will work.

Apology from who? From you.

For what? The way you treated Peyton.

Ar... are you serious?

Of course I'm serious.

Dad, this is none of your business. It certainly is my business.

No, who I do or do not date is absolutely none of your business.

Peyton's mother is in the d.A.R. With your mother. I know.

She's also on the opera committee.

The hospital board, the horticultural society. I get it. What's the point?

This woman is a very important person in our social circle.

She may have taken what you did the wrong way,

which could affect her relationship with your mother.

All I did was not go on a second date with her fully grown son.

She's not gonna be mad for that.

Lorelai, you obviously do not understand

the way things work in your mother's world.

There is a certain protocol that must be followed,

social rules that dictate proper behavior,

and these rules must be very strictly adhered to.

Dad, I'm not going out with Peyton again... period.

Lorelai, let me tell you a little story.

Now, two years ago, Sally wallington's check for the winter formal bounced.

So? It took her two weeks to replace the check.

So?

When Sally attended the next d.A.R. Meeting,

she was served the last cup of tea.

So?! Before this unfortunate incident,

Sally wallington always received the first cup of tea.

When she was suddenly demoted, your mother moved up to the prime tea spot,

and she's held that spot ever since.

Now, she's very proud of that spot,

and now she's afraid this little incident may jeopardize it.

I explained this to mom, and I'll explain it to you... I'm not 16.

I don't live with you anymore. I've been making my own decisions for a long time,

you can play all the golf you want, but the subject better be letting chicks

into the Augusta golf club, because my love life is officially off-limits.

Didn't you hear what I just said? Yes, I heard it,

I'm sorry, but it sounds insane.

Of course! It is insane! That is not the point!

Okay, what's the point? Your mother is upset, and I don't want her to be upset.

You may not understand her world,

I may not understand her world,

but it is her world, and in her world,

it is very, very important that she have the first cup of tea.

And I don't care about your independence

or what you told your mother or what you have to say.

If my wife wants the first cup of tea, she's going to have it!

That's it!

Now, I will call you after I play golf.

♪ LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

Hey, it's Dwight. Leave a message. Namaste.

Dwight? Hi, it's Doris...

Doris, your wife! Remember me?!

The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out like a spineless worm?!

How dare you sneak out, you sniveling pond-scum sample!

I should call Erin brockovich to bring a lawsuit

against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste!

You really thought you could get away from me?! From me?!

I would've found you sooner if I'd bothered to look, but now I have... I found you.

I want my board games back! I want them back, I want them back now!

I'll hunt you down until I get them back, especially the trivial pursuit!

Whoa!

Aaah!

Whoa!

Gross!

Ugh!

Dean, please have your pager with you.

Please, come on.

Dean! Come on!

Damn you and your unabomber tendencies!

Aw, man!

Whoa, whoa! Slow down!

Get out of my way! I like the new look. It's very "blue crush."

Hilarious.

What's the matter? Nothing.

You're walking pretty fast for nothing.

Our president said "exercise," and I am very patriotic.

And completely soaked. Where is everyone?!

Who are you looking for? No one!

What's the matter... other than you're obviously out of towels?

This guy moved in across the way, we said we'd water his lawn,

and the grass can only be watered in 10-minute increments.

And the thing is stuck, and I have to find someone...

Luke or Taylor or... where are you going?

Jess?

You don't have to do this!

I didn't ask you to do this!

I can just find someone else to do it!

You made it look so easy. It was loose.

You just... Had to press down and give it a good twist.

Well, thank you. You're welcome.

So, things are good?

Oh, yeah... really good.

School? Good.

Still gonna do the Harvard thing? Yeah.

Good.

Yeah... good.

So...

My pager.

I figured.

Who is it? It's, um... Dean.

I paged him earlier to come over and help me,

and he just got the message, so he's...

Coming over to help.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hi, mom.

Hello, lorelai.

Hi, grandma.

Hello, Rory.

That's a pretty sweater. Thank you.

I do love you in blue. You should wear blue more often.

Buy her more blue, lorelai. Oh, I'll get right on it.

I brought you something, mom.

Oh, really? Soda, Rory?

Yes, please. Um, these are pictures from Sookie's wedding.

There's a great one of you and dad dancing. I put them in an album.

That's very nice. Thank you.

You want to see? I'm making drinks, lorelai.

Right. Later it is.

Here you go.

Here. Oh. Guess I'm having wine.

You didn't want wine? Wine's fine.

I'll get you something else. No, I'm good.

Would you like a Martini? You usually ask me what I want, and tonight, you didn't ask,

so I couldn't tell you how much I would love some wine.

I bought some cheese to have before dinner.

Great. We love cheese. It goes great with wine.

I will be right back.

Mngh! Boy, it's cold in here.

It's a lot colder where you're sitting.

Ohh... She's mad at me. Yep.

Think she'll be mad all night? Yep.

I guess I should talk to her. Yep.

You wouldn't want to talk to her for me? Nope.

Luckily you don't get paid by the word.

Fast, so you can have cheese. Fine.

Need some help? No, I'm fine, thank you.

Mom, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? Sorry about the whole Peyton thing.

When I asked you for his number, I didn't... Think.

Think about what? What would happen if things didn't work out with us.

I know his mom is your friend, and I shouldn't have gotten mixed up with this

if I wasn't prepared to remember that what I do will affect you.

And to me, it's just a bowie concert,

but to you, it's... Not.

I was a little thoughtless, and I'm sorry.

But you have to understand that I was not lying when I said we had a bad time.

We had a really, really, really, really, really bad time.

It was one of the worst times I've ever had. It was awful.

Do you remember skiing with the danners and their dobermans?

Oh, God, yes. This was worse.

Not just for me. It was bad for him, too.

It wasn't like he was in love and I was miserable.

We were both in pain... deep pain,

"marathon man" kind of pain.

But despite all this horrible pain that we were both in,

and would be in again if we had to spend one more second together,

if you really want me to,

I will go to the bowie concert with him.

Well, your saying that means a lot.

Hmm.

Thank you, lorelai.

Borrow Rory's sweater when you go.

♪ Ground control to major tom ♪