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Previously on The Last Man on Earth...
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I had one brother.
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You had a brother? I didn't know that.
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Well, you try living in
a pod for three years
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with nothing but a bunch of worms?
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Captain Mike Miller, signing off.
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I can't believe I didn't see you.
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We got to come up with a name for you?
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Here goes nothing.
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It's not looking good.
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Sync and corrections by peterbrito
www.addic7ed.com
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Farts!
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Farts.... farts.
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Farts, farts, farts, farts.
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... farts!
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Farts.
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Yeah, I know it's not a lifeboat, okay?!
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It's the best I could do!
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Yeah!
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We made it, Phil.
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We made it.
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We're okay.
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We're going to be okay.
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Okay, okay.
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Next stopland.
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We're gonna die here.
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We're gonna die.
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Phil, is that you?
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You're so stupid, you don't even know
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your own brother, you friggin' turd.
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Wh-what are you doing here?
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I missed you, Mike.
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You're such a good little sister.
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What is that red stuff in there?
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"What is that red stuff in there?"
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It's Kool-Aid, you dip.
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So I can drink it while I'm floating.
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You're so dumb.
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You're so dumb.
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Shut your butt.
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I can't. It's got a permanent hole.
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You know what else has a
permanent hole in it?
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Your head.
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Get it together.
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You can't give up.
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You just came from outer space,
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you friggin' fartface.
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Now, wake up.
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Hey!
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Hey, over here!
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Over here!
52
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Hello!
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Hey!
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Hello!
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Hello.
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We're going to be okay.
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We got a boat, we got...
we got... we got...
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We got maps.
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Hell, we got food.
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You know what, all we need now
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is some clean underwear and
we'll be in great shape.
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Bingo.
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Phil.
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May I present to you
the new and improved
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Mike Miller.
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What do you think?
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You like my duds, bud?
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What?
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You want to see a fashion show?
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Yeah, sure.
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I think we could get
used to this, right?
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I wouldn't get too comfortable just yet.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on, hold on, hold on!
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Whoa, please,
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don't, don't, don't,
don't shoot me, okay?
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Or, spear me, please.
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- Who the hell are you?
- I'm, an astronaut.
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And I-I-I just came from space.
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Were you exposed to the virus?
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Were you exposed to the virus?
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00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:19,622
No, no. I... like I said,
I-I've been in the
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00:05:19,657 --> 00:05:22,057
international space station
for the last three years.
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I just splashed down to
Earth about three days ago.
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I promise.
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Haven't been to land?
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No, no, no, no. I-I-I found this,
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water bike and I've just
been triking around
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the last few days, until
I found your boat.
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And, and I'm using,
your shirt, I assume.
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And your underwear.
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And I-I-I had some, some,
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some crackers and some of your water.
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I apologize, but,
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I, I come in peace. I promise.
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Okay.
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I didn't mean to scare you.
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You slip up just once, and...
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You know?
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Yeah.
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I can, I can imagine, yeah.
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Pat Brown, last man on Earth.
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Not any more.
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So good.
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Skunky as hell, but just...
I love it, I don't care.
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Beer,
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she is a sweet, sweet mistress.
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Yeah, she is, yeah.
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So, Pat, you, you always been a seaman?
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By that I mean, a sailor.
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Not, you know, sperm.
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No, I got, I got ya, I got...
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No, I haven't, but you
know, since the virus hit,
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I said, Pat,
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what better excuse to buy a boat?
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So then you just came out here?
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Hightailed it.
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Yeah, kept my distance.
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Listened to the news until there
was no more news to listen to.
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So you've been out here the whole time?
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I go in and get what I need.
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Grab essentials,
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and burn rubber back here
to this little lady...
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...Deez Knots.
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Deez Knots, I get it.
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Played my cards right.
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That virus hasn't taken me down, yet.
127
00:07:02,059 --> 00:07:04,159
Maybe you're immune.
128
00:07:04,195 --> 00:07:06,128
Nobody's immune, Mike.
129
00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:14,136
You know, sometimes I'll...
I'll anchor offshore at night.
130
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Big cities. Miami. New York.
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New Orleans.
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Not one light.
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Pitch black.
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Pitch black.
135
00:07:30,721 --> 00:07:32,588
So a black hole is
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00:07:32,623 --> 00:07:34,790
actually not black?
137
00:07:34,825 --> 00:07:37,059
Well, you know, the accepted term now
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is African-American hole.
139
00:07:40,665 --> 00:07:44,233
No, they're... they're... they're
not, technically, black.
140
00:07:44,268 --> 00:07:45,467
No, they're, you know,
141
00:07:45,503 --> 00:07:47,202
it's actually the absence of color.
142
00:07:47,238 --> 00:07:50,472
Well, then, why don't they call
it "an absence of color" hole?
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00:07:50,508 --> 00:07:52,241
Yeah, that's a good point.
144
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Okay, well, soup's on.
145
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So what do we got?
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What is this,
147
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it looks like yams or something?
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Potatoes.
149
00:08:00,785 --> 00:08:03,222
Well, there's a little, a little
rust from the can, but...
150
00:08:03,223 --> 00:08:05,754
They taste good, though.
151
00:08:07,291 --> 00:08:09,725
Okay.
152
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,395
Well, that's the best
rust I've ever tasted.
153
00:08:13,431 --> 00:08:15,731
So where are you from, Spaceman?
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Um, me, I'm, from Arizona.
155
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Leave a family behind?
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00:08:20,805 --> 00:08:23,105
Well, I never had one of my own, no.
157
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But my, you know, my parents
and my brother are in Tucson.
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Were.
159
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Yeah. Yeah, right, were.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Um, what about you?
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I had a family.
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Are you, are you a Scotch guy?
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Yeah, yeah, sure.
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Well...
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Whoa.
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Are you kidding me?
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Th... that's a bottle
of Macallan's 1939?
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00:08:54,438 --> 00:08:55,871
Yep.
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This is a $10,000 bottle of Scotch.
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Yeah, I got a bunch of 'em.
172
00:09:05,182 --> 00:09:07,716
What is up with this crazy little guy?
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He's making a break for it.
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- You talking about Phil?
- Yeah.
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00:09:10,488 --> 00:09:12,087
My boy, Phil?
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He's grabbed a hold of me.
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He likes me.
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00:09:18,496 --> 00:09:22,431
So, Pat, you, you heading in
179
00:09:22,466 --> 00:09:24,500
to get supplies any time soon?
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00:09:24,535 --> 00:09:27,336
No, not really.
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00:09:27,371 --> 00:09:30,205
Just, I'm pretty stocked up now.
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Any way I could get you to
take me in there, maybe?
183
00:09:34,478 --> 00:09:36,512
Why would you want to go
do something like that?
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00:09:36,547 --> 00:09:38,847
Like I said, you know, I
have a family, and...
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00:09:38,883 --> 00:09:40,215
You had a family.
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00:09:40,251 --> 00:09:41,517
You and I are alive.
187
00:09:41,552 --> 00:09:43,218
That means other people
might have made it.
188
00:09:43,254 --> 00:09:44,820
It might be genetic, you know,
there's a lot of very...
189
00:09:44,855 --> 00:09:47,723
What part of pitch black
do you not understand?
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I'd like to see it for myself.
191
00:09:54,131 --> 00:09:55,864
Maybe I should show you your quarters.
192
00:10:22,626 --> 00:10:24,593
Hey.
193
00:10:24,628 --> 00:10:25,961
Keep it down.
194
00:10:27,998 --> 00:10:29,598
Yeah.
195
00:10:31,669 --> 00:10:35,437
There's a very good chance
he's going to kill and eat me.
196
00:10:43,547 --> 00:10:44,613
There he is.
197
00:10:44,648 --> 00:10:47,549
Hi, Pat.
198
00:10:47,585 --> 00:10:50,619
Is my breath okay?
199
00:10:50,654 --> 00:10:52,654
Am I being honest?
200
00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:55,424
God, I'm sorry, Mike.
201
00:10:55,459 --> 00:10:57,459
No need to get self-conscious, buddy.
202
00:10:57,495 --> 00:10:59,895
'Cause we're, we're good here.
203
00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:01,797
Good.
204
00:11:01,832 --> 00:11:05,501
'Cause I want to be good here.
205
00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:12,841
Something I can help you with, Pat?
206
00:11:12,877 --> 00:11:15,444
You know, I've been thinking.
207
00:11:16,947 --> 00:11:19,214
And maybe we should go ashore.
208
00:11:20,284 --> 00:11:22,584
Ye... yeah, that'd be great.
209
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:25,020
You get a chance to have a peek-a-boo,
210
00:11:25,055 --> 00:11:26,788
see that I'm talking to you straight.
211
00:11:26,824 --> 00:11:28,790
There's nothing in there you
want to get mixed up in.
212
00:11:28,826 --> 00:11:30,878
- Right.
- Then we head back out here
213
00:11:30,879 --> 00:11:33,529
for a serious margarita or three.
214
00:11:33,564 --> 00:11:35,397
Thank you.
215
00:11:35,432 --> 00:11:36,932
One more thing.
216
00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:39,835
If we are going to do this...
217
00:11:39,870 --> 00:11:42,037
we're going to do it my way.
218
00:12:12,229 --> 00:12:13,495
My God, I made it.
219
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:15,096
I made it.
220
00:12:15,132 --> 00:12:17,432
I made it, I made it.
221
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:20,064
You done making love to the ground, son?
222
00:12:20,065 --> 00:12:22,648
'Cause we really need to hustle,
I don't like being on land
223
00:12:22,649 --> 00:12:23,812
any longer than I have to.
224
00:12:23,813 --> 00:12:26,347
No, I-I-I-I understand, Pat, I...
225
00:12:26,382 --> 00:12:28,349
I can't believe... I-I
wish I could take off
226
00:12:28,384 --> 00:12:30,685
these boots and just feel
the sand between my toes.
227
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,386
Well, I wouldn't risk
doing that, you know,
228
00:12:32,422 --> 00:12:33,988
unless you want to get
the virus and then
229
00:12:34,023 --> 00:12:37,925
seeing every hole of your body
evacuating blood and stool.
230
00:12:37,961 --> 00:12:39,994
Every which way from here till Sunday.
231
00:12:40,029 --> 00:12:41,329
I'm talking every hole.
232
00:12:41,364 --> 00:12:43,397
Nostrils, eyes, ears...
233
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:44,966
- Yeah, loud and clear, Pat, okay.
- Mouth.
234
00:12:45,001 --> 00:12:46,233
Butthole. Yeah, you made your point.
235
00:12:46,269 --> 00:12:47,268
You know, peehole.
236
00:12:47,303 --> 00:12:48,402
It's just amazing to be back
237
00:12:48,438 --> 00:12:50,304
on this beautiful, beautiful Earth.
238
00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:51,305
I mean, look at th...
239
00:12:51,341 --> 00:12:53,574
And that is a condom.
240
00:12:53,610 --> 00:12:55,109
That's what that is.
241
00:12:55,144 --> 00:12:56,277
- All right, moving.
- Ay-ay-ay-ay.
242
00:12:56,312 --> 00:12:58,946
Okay, yeah.
243
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,294
So what was your, your top seller?
244
00:13:13,329 --> 00:13:15,396
Choco Tacos.
245
00:13:15,431 --> 00:13:17,531
Chipwiches. Fudgesicles.
246
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:20,401
You know, I was always a
chocolate banana man, myself.
247
00:13:20,436 --> 00:13:24,205
Wow. Sigmund Freud, he'd have
a field day with you, boy.
248
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,673
I bet he would.
249
00:13:25,708 --> 00:13:30,378
Because a banana's a rough shape
250
00:13:30,413 --> 00:13:32,313
of the male anatomy, you know.
251
00:13:32,348 --> 00:13:34,048
- No, yeah, no, I got all that, yeah.
- Yeah.
252
00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:36,250
Made that connection.
And chocolate on it.
253
00:13:36,285 --> 00:13:37,318
No, yeah. On the banana.
254
00:13:37,353 --> 00:13:39,286
- Got that one, too.
- Yeah. Wow.
255
00:13:39,322 --> 00:13:41,288
No, it was... the joke wa... was...
256
00:13:41,324 --> 00:13:42,590
- was good as it was, man.
- Well.
257
00:13:42,625 --> 00:13:44,358
Didn't need that. I-I got you.
258
00:13:49,232 --> 00:13:53,601
It's just so... quiet.
259
00:13:53,636 --> 00:13:56,470
It's going to sound weird, but I...
260
00:13:56,506 --> 00:14:00,241
I miss the noise, you know?
261
00:14:00,276 --> 00:14:04,578
The sounds of cars driving,
and horns honking.
262
00:14:04,614 --> 00:14:07,248
People talking, laughing,
radios, like, just...
263
00:14:07,283 --> 00:14:09,550
It's so empty.
264
00:14:10,653 --> 00:14:13,487
I mean, where are all the bodies?
265
00:14:13,523 --> 00:14:15,489
You want to see bodies, Spaceman?
266
00:14:17,193 --> 00:14:19,393
I'll show you bodies.
267
00:14:21,764 --> 00:14:26,600
There were big emergency staging
areas like this in every city.
268
00:14:27,704 --> 00:14:30,671
Most people died in their own homes.
269
00:14:30,707 --> 00:14:32,673
Well, at least they
were around loved ones.
270
00:14:32,709 --> 00:14:34,442
That's not a horrible way to go.
271
00:14:34,477 --> 00:14:35,676
If you like coughing up blood
272
00:14:35,712 --> 00:14:37,278
and oozing brain goo out your ears.
273
00:14:37,313 --> 00:14:38,479
Sure.
274
00:14:38,514 --> 00:14:40,214
Every hole.
275
00:14:40,249 --> 00:14:41,348
Nostrils...
276
00:14:41,384 --> 00:14:42,383
You don't have to...
277
00:14:42,418 --> 00:14:43,651
- Mouth.
- Yeah, right.
278
00:14:43,686 --> 00:14:45,152
- Butthole.
- Here we go again, okay.
279
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,087
Peehole.
280
00:14:46,122 --> 00:14:47,521
No, I-I-I get you, Pat.
281
00:14:47,557 --> 00:14:49,190
I'm good on all the holes.
282
00:14:49,225 --> 00:14:51,158
I-I understand the visual, thank you.
283
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:52,693
If you didn't stay home,
284
00:14:52,729 --> 00:14:54,995
you ended up in places like this.
285
00:14:55,031 --> 00:14:57,465
Although sometimes you
run into a straggler
286
00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:00,234
who ended up neither here nor there.
287
00:15:02,105 --> 00:15:06,140
And one time, I saw a bag
of bones wearing a bikini.
288
00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:07,174
I'm so sorry.
289
00:15:07,210 --> 00:15:08,609
That must have been awful.
290
00:15:08,644 --> 00:15:10,244
Well, I ain't gonna lie to you.
291
00:15:10,279 --> 00:15:14,148
The sight of a bikini,
still does it for me.
292
00:15:14,183 --> 00:15:15,416
Skin or no.
293
00:15:15,451 --> 00:15:19,386
Yeah, I'm more of a skin guy, myself.
294
00:15:19,422 --> 00:15:22,123
Different strokes.
295
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:27,294
So...
296
00:15:27,330 --> 00:15:29,764
still think your family's alive?
297
00:15:35,037 --> 00:15:37,004
Let's get the hell out of here.
298
00:15:38,708 --> 00:15:41,375
Now I got you here.
299
00:15:41,410 --> 00:15:44,278
There is one thing I've
been really itching to do.
300
00:15:54,557 --> 00:15:58,058
Forty-love!
301
00:15:58,094 --> 00:15:59,794
Get in the game.
302
00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:03,030
Ace!
303
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,533
Ace!
304
00:16:05,568 --> 00:16:07,134
I wasn't even set.
305
00:16:07,170 --> 00:16:09,370
What do you mean? You got
to be on your toes, man.
306
00:16:09,405 --> 00:16:10,604
You got to be on your toes.
307
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,439
That's game.
308
00:16:12,475 --> 00:16:14,241
You owe me a Lamborghini.
309
00:16:16,779 --> 00:16:19,413
You a cookie, guy?
310
00:16:19,448 --> 00:16:22,516
I got some great cookies
back in the boat.
311
00:16:22,552 --> 00:16:25,553
I mean they're, you know,
they're three years old,
312
00:16:25,588 --> 00:16:26,821
but they're still good.
313
00:16:26,856 --> 00:16:28,055
Y... you know, I used to date
314
00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:30,825
this Italian girl, Antonella.
315
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,893
She turned me on to them--
biscottis.
316
00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:35,696
You know, they're stale, but on purpose.
317
00:16:35,731 --> 00:16:36,697
Hard as a brick.
318
00:16:36,732 --> 00:16:39,433
So was her backside.
319
00:16:39,468 --> 00:16:41,168
I di... well....
320
00:16:41,204 --> 00:16:42,803
Okay, hold on here.
321
00:16:42,839 --> 00:16:45,139
What are you doing? Got to
do a little detour here.
322
00:16:45,174 --> 00:16:47,408
Just got to go back. I can
see the boat from here.
323
00:16:47,443 --> 00:16:48,442
Just-just trust me.
324
00:16:48,477 --> 00:16:50,144
This is a much better way, man.
325
00:16:50,179 --> 00:16:52,012
Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa,
whoa, what is that? What?
326
00:16:52,048 --> 00:16:54,548
- Th... that billboard up there.
- What billboard?
327
00:16:54,584 --> 00:16:56,817
What are you doing? Will you slow down?
All right, no problem.
328
00:16:57,620 --> 00:17:00,421
Stop the... Hey!
329
00:17:04,460 --> 00:17:06,460
There's nothing to see!
330
00:17:06,495 --> 00:17:08,562
My God.
331
00:17:08,598 --> 00:17:09,897
Hey!
332
00:17:09,932 --> 00:17:11,498
Look at that, you see that? Look!
333
00:17:11,534 --> 00:17:13,567
Alive in Tucson.
334
00:17:13,603 --> 00:17:14,568
That's where I'm from.
335
00:17:14,604 --> 00:17:16,270
That's... I'm from Tucson.
336
00:17:16,305 --> 00:17:17,538
Well, I mean that's where my family...
337
00:17:19,475 --> 00:17:22,343
You should have stayed
in the truck, bud.
338
00:17:27,941 --> 00:17:30,217
My God, not again.
339
00:17:30,218 --> 00:17:32,386
You are so stupid.
340
00:17:32,421 --> 00:17:34,555
There's only, like, one other dude,
341
00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:37,191
and you let him hit you with a wrench.
342
00:17:37,226 --> 00:17:40,928
- You beefed it so hard.
- You beefed it.
343
00:17:40,963 --> 00:17:43,430
I'm not the one lying in
the middle of the street.
344
00:17:43,466 --> 00:17:46,166
Now get up, fartface.
345
00:17:46,202 --> 00:17:48,368
Come on, you flippin' turd.
346
00:17:48,404 --> 00:17:49,436
I can't get up, Phil.
347
00:17:49,472 --> 00:17:50,904
I can't move.
348
00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:52,573
Well, if you're just going to quit,
349
00:17:52,608 --> 00:17:55,175
- then I'm going to pee on you.
- What?
350
00:17:55,211 --> 00:17:56,410
'Cause that's what happens to quitters.
351
00:17:56,445 --> 00:17:58,378
They get pee'd on.
352
00:17:58,414 --> 00:18:00,280
Well, go for it. See if I care.
353
00:18:00,316 --> 00:18:02,483
I'm wearing a friggin'
hazmat suit, you dong.
354
00:18:02,518 --> 00:18:04,284
Fine. Here I go.
355
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:05,552
No, please, don't, don't, don't, don't.
356
00:18:05,588 --> 00:18:07,387
Don't look at my ween, you pervert.
357
00:18:07,423 --> 00:18:09,389
- I'm not looking at your ween.
- Three.
358
00:18:09,425 --> 00:18:10,924
Please, just don't do it, Phil, okay?
359
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,360
- Two.
- Please, don't. Stop.
360
00:18:13,395 --> 00:18:15,295
One.
361
00:18:16,699 --> 00:18:18,899
♪ Washing clean, bleaching clean ♪
362
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:21,668
♪ Virus go away, virus... ♪
363
00:18:23,138 --> 00:18:24,238
Hi, Mike.
364
00:18:24,273 --> 00:18:25,639
What did you do?
365
00:18:25,674 --> 00:18:27,541
I hit you in the head with a wrench.
366
00:18:27,576 --> 00:18:28,842
You're welcome, by the way.
367
00:18:28,878 --> 00:18:30,010
I saved your your life.
368
00:18:30,045 --> 00:18:31,411
You know, you don't
want to go to Tucson.
369
00:18:31,447 --> 00:18:32,980
And if you think about it,
370
00:18:33,015 --> 00:18:35,015
who would want to go there?
371
00:18:35,050 --> 00:18:36,917
Well, I'll tell you who...
the government.
372
00:18:36,952 --> 00:18:38,318
It's a big booby trap.
373
00:18:38,354 --> 00:18:41,021
The whole city's a giant crematorium.
374
00:18:41,056 --> 00:18:43,156
They're just waiting for
the signal to rebuild.
375
00:18:43,192 --> 00:18:44,558
So that all those people who are living
376
00:18:44,593 --> 00:18:46,293
in the government bunkers can come out.
377
00:18:46,328 --> 00:18:48,195
Yeah? Well, you're going
to have to shoot me,
378
00:18:48,230 --> 00:18:49,363
'cause I'm going.
379
00:18:49,398 --> 00:18:51,498
Okay, all... then I will.
380
00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:54,902
I-I've really enjoyed our time together,
381
00:18:54,937 --> 00:18:56,069
but I will shoot you.
382
00:18:56,105 --> 00:18:57,070
Fine.
383
00:18:57,106 --> 00:18:58,338
Just lay back down, look,
384
00:18:58,374 --> 00:18:59,540
hey, I got to get your backside,
385
00:18:59,575 --> 00:19:02,009
so just turn over.
386
00:19:02,044 --> 00:19:04,044
You laid in something.
387
00:19:04,079 --> 00:19:06,046
It's like virus.
388
00:19:10,152 --> 00:19:12,286
Hey.
389
00:19:22,131 --> 00:19:25,232
Sorry, buddy.
390
00:19:29,705 --> 00:19:31,138
Is that a rip?
391
00:19:35,210 --> 00:19:38,145
Damn it!
392
00:19:46,355 --> 00:19:49,356
Sorry, bud.
393
00:19:49,391 --> 00:19:51,325
You had a good run.
394
00:20:15,351 --> 00:20:17,951
R-I-P Spaceman.
395
00:20:17,987 --> 00:20:20,687
Cause of death: the "goverment."
396
00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:24,191
Almost got it right.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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