All language subtitles for Taskmaster

Don't look away.

[opening theme]

Don't put that on telly!

Whoa!
I might just do this all day.

Aah!

This is weird!

So tight.

[cheering and applause]

Welcome!

Welcome to a brand-new series
of Taskmaster.

[cheering and applause]

Five fresh comedians have been
prepared in our laughter kitchen

and are about to be thrown into
the buffet of fun

to see if any of them have
what it takes to

be a main course at
the giggle feast. I hope so.

I'm Henry VIII of Chuckles
and my big belly is in need
of laughs.

Yum, yum!

So, let's meet our new cast
of competitors and marvel at
their reputations

and stature
while they're still intact.

Please welcome Amy Gledhill!

Armando Iannucci!

Joanna Page!

Joel Dommett!

And Kumail Nanjiani!

[cheering and applause]

And next to me, a man who
admitted to me when he was tipsy
that if he'd been

alive in the war, he probably
would have defected to
Mussolini's Italy, because

he loves pasta and he doesn't
believe in freedom.

It's...

Little Alex Horne!

-[cheering and applause]
-Okay. Hello. Thank you.

-Well, you're half right. Hello.
-Hello.

What's the first prize task of
the series, please,
Little Alex Horne?

Well, Greg, you told them
your problem and they're here
to help because

the category is The Thing
Most Likely to Deter People
From Your Premises.

Yes. And this guy's got property
coming out of his backside.

Greg will give five points
to the thing he thinks
is most likely to deter

people from their premises
and all five deterrents

will head home with
the episode winner.

But for now, Greg,
it's back to you

and your backside, big time.

Thank you so much.

-Amy, welcome to the show.
-Hello.

What have you bought to deter
people from my property?

Very simple.
Mrs Clatterbottom.

This is Mrs Clatterbottom, Greg.

[laughter]

Full size.

Yeah, she's good.

-She's good!
-Where did you get
Clatterbottom?

So, my friend hand-painted
this mask: Mrs Clatterbottom.

And what's your plan to deter
people from property?

-Are you going to put it
in the window?
-Yeah.

Like Home Alone style-y.

You know when a light goes on
when you go into a garden
or something?

-Yeah.
-I think the light will actually
go on in the living room

and you'll walk down the path
and then the light will come on
and Clatterbottom will be there.

-Clatterbottom's there?
-Yeah.

I'm never going to
break into that house.

-Well, that's a good start.
-This is one of the strongest
starts we've ever had.

-Well done.
-But it doesn't mean
it won't come last.

[laughter]

Armando, can you beat
Clatterbottom?

Well, look, I've gone, like,
just no-nonsense.

But I've just put a sign up
on my gate, which is...

-This sign here is from Armando.
-This sign here. Yeah.

[laughter]

I've just got an extra layer
of security.

Yeah.

Which, as we all know,
don't really exist.

So are you presuming that people
trying to break into your house

are going to be like, oh, no,
I'll have to pay £15 to go
rob stuff from you?

If someone's going to steal
from me, I might as well
make some money from it.

I mean, sometimes you're going
to have to suspend disbelief
on this show.

These have been good, Joanna.
Now, someone's going to mess up.

-Right.
-What have you brought me?

I have brought in
a mould of my own head,
which I've dressed up,

and a sign inviting people
to come and join me
in my hot tub.

[laughter]

This is a mould...

I did a film years ago

and I had to have
a lobotomy in it.

And so they did, like,
a mould thing of my head,
where they put, like,

this green alginate
sort of stuff on it.

And so they gave me this head
at the end of filming,
and I was like, well,

I've got nothing to do with it,
so I put it in
my parents' wardrobe.

And then my son, who's ten,
a while ago, found it.

I've never had so much
information in my life.

I own this sign, but I do think
if someone has a sign...

I don't have a hot tub,
but I do have this sign.

And if somebody, I think,
asks you to go and sit
in a hot tub with them,

to relax and sing and laugh,
I wouldn't go anywhere near
that house.

Okay, I'm going to have
to develop some rules for you.

[laughter]

God, normally, someone's been
absolutely rubbish by now,
and I've had to shout at them.

-Hello, Joel.
-Do you want to check that?

It is a glittery frame,
and inside that glittery frame

is my son's umbilical cord.

[gags] Oh, that's good.

I love my son, but that bit
of congealed blood and skin,
I don't want to be framed.

[Greg] Whose idea was it?

Because it's like a nice thing
when it gets, you know...

It's not a nice thing, is it?
We've agreed that.

Yeah, but I didn't know
that's what it looks like
when it dries.

-Ah.
-So it was, like,
appealing when it was wet?

-Imagine if that was, like,
hung on my door.
-Okay.

You know, you'd be like,
whoa, whoa, this...

I've got to go now.

Thieves around Britain are going
to be ready for you.

It's incredible.

Kumail, hello.
What have you brought me?

I think this sign
speaks for itself.

Yes, Kumail has brought this in.

[laughter and applause]

Nobody's going in there.

Is this a real Department of
Homeland Security sign?

No, it's not a real one, Greg.

I'm trying to stay away from
where the real signs are.

It's strong. Okay.
Here come my points.

I'm giving Joel's horrible
umbilical cord one point.

Not because it's not fascinating
but because it wouldn't stop me
from robbing him.

Now, Department of Homeland
Security, is it going to put me
off over here?

Oh, it's over here, right.

They don't have jurisdiction.

Fuck.

-Two points to Kumail.
-Okay.

I very much found it amusing,
Armando, but if I was
a really committed villain,

-I don't think I'd get £15 out.
Three points.
-Right.

And then we're up to
the two creepy women.

I'll just do it on gut instinct.

I found Clatterbottom slightly
more creepy than Lobotomy Girl.

-Four points to you,
five points to you.
-Well done.

Five points, Amy Gledhill.

Right, what is the first task
proper of the series,
please, Alex?

Well, it's actually
something a little...

[honks]

Wait.

What you doing?

What's going on?

I've got an egg.

-[Alex] You've got a what?
-Has no-one else got an egg?

[Alex] Can we see your egg?

Oh, no. Yeah, I see what's
happened here, Greg.

There's a chance I might have
forgotten to give this one
to everyone.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.
Let's have a look.

Oh.

Closer than I expected.

So there's something
in your pigeonhole, Joel.

-Can I?
-Mm-hmm.

Protect this egg.

It's in your pigeonhole.

That's my egg?

You must have this egg with you,
unseen, for every task

and every episode in the studio.

Wow.

You must hand Alex your wholly
intact egg within 30 seconds

every time the egg timer
goes off.

If you mention, damage or lose
your egg, you are disqualified.

Your time starts now.

Oh, there's the egg.

And I can't damage it.

-No, you've got about
six months.
-Six months.

Do you want a little practice?

[honks]

That was well within time.

Okay, you can go now.

Bye-bye.

[cheering and applause]

This is so mad.

-I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
-That was...

The whole time that we were
backstage, I was like, oh, where
is everyone else's egg?

[laughter]

No, I'm so sorry,
Joel, I'm so sorry.

And also, you'll notice it
didn't say, if you do it,
you'll get any points,

so it's, um...

I guess it's up to you, Greg,
if we get to episode ten
and he's still got the egg

and he still reveals it
on the horn.

Oh, no, there'll be no points.

-Okay.
-Well, that's going to be a lot
of fun for everyone.

And now, as if things couldn't
get any better, I've got worms.

Oh.

-Caravan?
-Yeah.
Yeah, why not?

Are you a caravan guy?

No, I hate them.

Oh. I like this.

Yeah.

I like that cat and I'd have
that in my house.

There's a lot of things
I'd have here in my house.

Right, well, we'll keep an eye
on you, then.

[laughs]

-Why aren't you inside?
-Sometimes I go outside.

Doesn't look like it.

Find a worm.

Find a worm.

Find a worm.
Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.

Let's go.

Okay, find a worm, find a worm,
find a little worm.

A worm, find a worm.

What does that mean?

Ah, do you not have worms
in America?

-We have worms.
-Well, find one, then.

[applause]

I think we should just crack on
with it, really.

Okay, and we're
going to initiate,
invertebrate, investigate

-with Amy Gledhill
and Joanna Page.
-[whistles]

My automatic thought is to go
into the garden and dig it up,
but that would be cruel

and there probably
isn't going to be a worm
in the garden.

There's going to be a worm
here somewhere.

Find a worm, find a worm.
Find a worm.

-Yeah, any worm.
-Any worm.

But then what about an earworm?

Like, what's it called when
there's a worm in your ear?

I think you said it.

-An earworm. Hm.
-An earworm.

Like an actual worm?

Find a worm.

Find a worm.

A worm.

-Find a worm.
-Find a worm.

-Where would a worm be?
-Where would a worm be?

Find a worm.

A worm, a worm.

No, you're a duck.

It can't be that I'm digging
for worms, can it?

Find a worm.

What are these, maggots?

[screams] Right.

They're maggots, they're not
worms, are they?

Is that a worm?

Might be.

It's not a worm,
'cause I know what a...
It's not a worm.

Right.

That's a worm.

Oh, you've got a mealworm.

That's a mealworm.

Yeah, lovely, lovely.

We're going to dig up
the garden.

This is like when it's
been raining, that's when
they come up.

[Alex] Yeah, there's going to be
hundreds in a minute.

[gasps]
Oh, my God, I found a worm!

I found a worm!
I don't want to touch it 'cause
I don't like touching them.

I found a worm.

You found a worm.

I found a worm.

I've probably talked about it.

[applause]

Well, I think we know who
the BBC are coming to when
Attenborough finally retires.

There was quite a long period of
that VT that you were just both
walking around

saying, find a worm.

And I sort of imagined if one of
your family members had've

been there, they'd have turned
to me and gone, she does this.

Where do we stand on mealworms
being worms or not?

Well, I'll tell you now,
I'm making a judgement.

The mealworm's a worm, so if
that was presented, it's a worm.

Okay, well, Joanna,
14 minutes 30

till she charmed the worm
out of the ground, unharmed.

But Amy, you won't believe it,
three minutes 35 to find a worm,
a worm.

Wow. I would have said,
she was saying, find a worm
for one hour.

Okay.

-[honks]
-Oh, stop it.

Hey!

Quick, quick, quick!

Quick!

Well done.

We're now going to give
two Hollywood superstars
a reality check

by making them
look for worms just like
the rest of us have to.

It's Armando Iannucci
and Kumail Nanjiani.

Okay, where would a worm be?

Early birds?
Early birds get worms?

You want me to find you
an early bird?

Would it have a worm
in its mouth?

Not at this time of day.

You're looking for a worm.

That's not it.

What do you mean, find a worm?

It's the little wiggly guys.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever looked
for a worm before?

I don't think I have.

-I get that impression.
-I don't...
I've never been into worms.

-Are those worms?
-I don't know, really.

They are.

Well, up to you, really.
They're called mealworms.

Can you search,
is a mealworm a worm?

Okay.

No, a mealworm
is not a true worm.

It's the larval stage
of a darkling beetle.

I should not have had you
search for that.

Books, in books, worm...
a bookworm.

I love books, so I'm a bookworm.

I am a bookworm.

And this is a reminder
of the other sort of worm.

And, you know, that's it.

-Would you like me
to stop the clock?
-I think so.

I mean, in my head,
it stopped a long time ago.

What am I doing?

If I sit here...

-Oh, my God.
-That's a worm.

I just got a flashback to when
my cat had something like this.

I saw one coming out
of my cat's...

Wormhole?

Out of my cat's wormhole.

-[applause]
-He caught a worm.

There's this trend, Armando,
on this show where...

-And I speak of a man
of a certain vintage.
-Thank you very much.

Where I find myself pointing out
how grumpy and or disinterested

people of a certain vintage
can sometimes appear
on this show.

You're the first to do both.

Yeah.

But, in the final analysis,
pretty good.

I thought, I'm buying bookworms
straight away.

-Oh, fantastic. There we go.
-Yeah, you like that.

So, of the three we've done,

two of them
have not found worms.

Mealworm is not a worm
and a bookworm...

A mealworm is a worm.

It's not a worm.

-I've already given
the points, now.
-Yes, stop.

-No, you haven't.
-I have.

Kumail, stop.

I love you, Amy, and I do think,
okay, you know what,
you're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She should certainly
have a point.

Well, just one sweet little boy
left to go.

It's Joel Dommett.

I know exactly where to look.

I'm going in the kitchen
right now.

Is that a worm?
Is that one, then?

I've stopped the clock.

[applause]

I wrote, your enthusiasm
was infectious,

you were so pleased
that you'd remembered the worm,

but I was a teacher
for many years,
and if you'd invaded

my space,
like you did with Alex,

it would have resulted
in retribution.

Long since not been acceptable
in schools.

Excited boy, isn't he?

Yes, but who wouldn't be?

You'd be excited if you found
a worm in 21.8 seconds.

Come on!

[applause]

And that boy gets
the full five points.

Joel, 21.8 seconds, five points.

But then it gets interesting.

We have Amy in second place.

Joanna, third place.

Armando, the bookworm,
16 minutes

and one point to Kumail.
It took half an hour to find...

-Oh, my God!
-...to find his worm.

Well done, Kumail.

[applause]

Right, let's see
the first scoreboard
of the series, please.

Assistant.

Okay, well,
unfortunately that means,

Kumail, you're in last
place with three.

Amy's in the lead
with nine points.

[cheering and applause]

Well done, Amy.

Okay, I'd like another task
and I'd like to see how they
work together in teams.

-[all] Ooh.
-It's a great call from a great
guy with great thighs.

Yes, it's the first team task
of the series and I, for one,
am buzzing.

[buzzing]

Armando.

-Alex.
-Good morning.

Good morning.
Are these all fake?

What do you mean?

[hollow knocking]

-That's what a pineapple
sounds like.
-Nope.

-[knock on door]
-Hello?

Come in.

-Hi!
-Hi!

Oh, my God!

-Hi.
-Hi, I'm Amy.

Hi, I'm Kumail.
Nice to meet you.

-How are you doing?
-I'm great.
Nice to meet you.

-Any particular favourite
amongst them?
-A lime.

A lime.

A lime.

There's one particular lime.

-Right.
-Oh, hello.

-Hello.
-Hello. Hi.

-Hiya.
-Nice to see you.

-Hi, nice to see you too.
-How long have you been here?

Literally just walked in.

-Right.
-Yes.

-What, off the street?
-Yes, yeah.

No, from around the corner.

There's your buzzer, Amy.

So now I'll have someone
to melt down with.

-Aaah!
-Hey.

Hey, guys.

-How's it going?
-Hi.

-Good to see you, Amy.
-Hi, I'm Kumail.

-You're so famous.
-Let's hug. Nice to meet you.

You're so famous.

You look very cool.

Like a leather cap.

-Look how cool.
-Thanks, man.

Thank you.

I wonder what that is.

Would you like one as well,
Joanna?

Yes, please.
Thank you.

Joel, like me, if you Google
you, the second picture is you
without a shirt.

I'm frustrated
it's not the first.

Wow!

-Oh, my gosh.
-Shall we all do it together?

-Yes, come on, then.
-Okay, then, here we go.

Right, go.

Right.

Give Greg five foods correctly.

When the buzzer buzzes,
give Greg one food.

If you give Greg the wrong food,
you must start again.

If your buzzer does not buzz,
you must stay in this room.

First team to give Greg
five correct foods wins.

You have a maximum of 35 minutes
and your time starts
immediately.

Who's Greg?

Well, have you seen the show?

Oh, Greg! [laughs]

[intense music]

[applause]

-Okay.
-Are you okay?

-Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
-You sure?

Not everyone knows.

I was in the moment and because
you weren't in the room
at that time,

I was like, oh, my God,
what's going on?
What have I got to look at?

-Yeah.
-Who's Greg?

-Hey, let's see the teams
in action, can we?
-Yes.

And we're going to begin
by seeing if the team of three
figured it out.

It's Joel, Amy and Kumail.

Here we go.

[buzzing]

-Oh, it's a buzzer!
-Oh, it's buzzing!

We have to give them
a correct food.

I'm going to go orange,
potentially,

next green,
potentially...

Let's try it.

All right, yes.

He said, all right, yes.

-OK.
-[buzzing]

It's me, it's me.

Shall we go for another fruit?

A pineapple?

Oh, yes.

Yes!
He liked the pineapple!

-He liked the pineapple.
-He liked the pineapple, okay.

-[buzzing]
-All right.

Onion.

Onion.
Onion.

-He's so famous.
-Famous. [laughs]

Ooh.

Ooh, no.

-[buzzer sounds]
-[sighs]

Bad news, guys.

Oh, shit!
Okay, okay.

Okay, so these are the ones
we know he likes.

Yeah.

Okay, yes.

Yes.

No, I wouldn't have
thought so, no.

Oh, God, okay.

-No.
-Doesn't like the pea.

Doesn't like the pea, okay.

The carrot goes there,
we like it.

Pea goes over here.

-[buzzing]
-Yes.

Yes!

Guys, we just need one more.

-That was good. He likes it.
-Oh, my God.

We just need one more.

Yes, please.

Loves the cucumber.

-Okay.
-Oh, so we've got it all.

We just have to wait
until they buzz

and then we can go.

-[buzzing]
-Oh, this is fun now.

-Okay.
-Now we can just
enjoy ourselves.

Wow, we really, really nailed
that one.

-No.
-[buzzer sounds]

No?

What? He said no.
He said no to carrot.

-He said yes to carrot before.
-So there's an order.

-Okay.
-So he liked this, then this.

The mood has really changed.

-Yes.
-Yes. What do you want, Greg?

Was that always there,
the drink price?

'Cause there are
five things there.

There's one over here as well.

It says instead of time
starts now,

it says time starts
immediately.

And your time starts
immediately.

Why is it immediately
instead of now?

Is it syllables?

Like, and your time
starts immediately.

Egg, meat, fruit, protein,
vegetables.

Oh.
Each one has more letters
than the last.

Each one has more.

Okay, okay.

Can we go up from orange?

Carrot.

Oh!

Yes.

Yes.

-How much time do we have left?
-You've got about 40 seconds.

[both] Oh!

-Oh, this is great, guys.
This feels real.
-We don't have much time left.

-Give us a buzz!
-Give us a buzz!

-[buzzing]
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Feels like that final scene in
The Eternals.

You've never seen it.

I've seen it, though.

Yes, please.

Yes!
One more, one more, one more!

15 seconds.

-Oh!
-Hey!

Everybody come here.
Whoever it is will run.

Buzz!

Make a buzz!

-[buzzing]
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-Ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
-Yes! Yes!

-Guys.
-We did it.

-That was...
-We came through it.

[applause]

Well, it was, it was
a shaky start when I witnessed

two grown adults turn
into like, Take That fans.

So famous...

But every time he left,
we were like...

[both scream]

Although actually you were
a pretty cohesive team,
I thought.

-They were a good team.
-They were working well.

Amy, what was all that
syllable bullshit
towards the end though?

-What was all that?
-Do you know, in primary school,

you go, who is Greg? Alex?
Two syllables.

Yeah. How does it apply
to this task? Sorry.

But the words were
getting bigger.

Oh, she was on the right lines.

So was it Amy that
worked out that the words
were getting bigger?

Yeah. That there,
there were more syllables.
Yeah.

Ah, I apologise for
calling your system bullshit.

Apology accepted.

Next up representing Scotland
and Italy and Wales,

it's Armando
and Armando and Joanna.

Right.
There's a pineapple here.

Is it stuff that's in here?

-Yeah.
-[buzzing]

[gasps] It's you. It's you.

-Alright, yes.
-Yes.

Why do we have such a long time?

It's because we've got
to discover things.

-Food.
-That was it.

Egg, meat, fruit,
protein, vegetables.

-So meat?
-Meat.

-[buzzing]
-It's you again.

-Give him a meat.
-Right. Hang on.

I'm afraid it's a no.

-[buzzer sounds]
-Oh, fuck it.

He's really nice. It's
the first time I've met him.
He's a lot slower than me.

It sort of highlights
my manicness.

-That was a rejection.
-No way.

-No, I know.
-Oh, my God.
So we've got to start again.

-[buzzing]
-Oh, your buzzer now, Joanna.

We need to do them in order.

-I'm gonna go and get an egg
from the kitchen.
-Right. Okay.

How are you finding being
on a team with Joanna so far?

It's certainly...

uh, woken me up.

Your egg. You've got an egg.

-Yes.
-Ooh!

I think she's got high
expectations of you, Armando.

[laughs]

-What?
-Nothing.

-He said yes.
-Excellent.

-Maybe we should go for
meat as second.
-Oh, egg, meat.

-I think yes,
on this occasion.
-Yes.

-Oh, my God. Eat a fruit now.
-On this occasion.

We've got you a pineapple.

-Oh, yes.
-Oh, yes. Brilliant.

-So we've gotta
find a protein.
-Some protein.

What about that?

Or will he just go,
that is just basically a cow?

[buzzing]

-No.
-[buzzer sounds]

Oh, I've broken the egg.

I've broken the egg.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

-Oh, you are kidding me!
-I've broken the egg.

-I've broken the egg.
-[buzzing]

Right.
We're going with our trusty egg.

Yes.

-Cool.
-Yes.

We're trying an orange
this time.

Yes, please.

I'm just wondering if it's
spelling out E-B...

-E-B-O...
-Ebola.

No, it can't spell out Ebola.

[buzzing]

Thigh, breast, chicken.

-Do you like it?
-Alright then. Yes.

Cool.

-Five foods cooked.
-[buzzing]

-Oh.
-Should we just go for it?

-See what happens.
-Okay.

Cauliflower, Greg,
but we dunno why.

-Ooh, yeah. Yeah.
-Oh, my God.

He said yes.
He said yes.

Yes.

-I have stopped the clock.
-Excellent.

Do you know why you succeeded?

-No.
-No.

[laughs]

[applause]

-Brilliant.
-You don't need to know.

It's a fascinating dynamic,
this.

I can't wait to see this
team play out.

Instinctively,
we just, we gelled.

-Yeah, we didn't need
to know what the, er...
-No, we didn't...

And just as well, because you
thought we were trying to
get you to spell out Ebola.

Yes, yeah.

-Ebola.
-La!

Oh, that does make
more sense now.

-Shall I tell you
some timings, Greg?
-Yes, please.

Well, we know the team of
three found it just in the nick
of time, nearly 35 minutes.

The team of two,

21 minutes.

-Yes!
-Wow.

They get the five points.

So how many points should
the team of three get?

-They did succeed.
-They did succeed.

Three points.
Five and three.

Five, and three points
to the team of three.

[applause]

Right. Another task please.

And can it be big fun
on a big scale?

Yes and yes because
you deserve it, Greg.

Also, just so you
know, I'm in great shape.

I was told not to do that.

Where is he?

[laughs]

Why are you laughing?

You look incredible.

Well, it's a hot day.

Hi, Joel.

Hello, Alex.

You've been working out.

I need to go to the gym.

You look really good.

-Do you mind?
-Yeah, go on then, yeah.

-It's so warm.
-Yeah, I might join you.

This is really exciting.

Put the most T-shirts on Alex.

Alex will only wear T-shirts
launched from
the T-shirt launcher...

And onto a target
according to the T-shirt
launcher rules. There.

If a T-shirt lands
in a blue circle,

Alex must wear
that T-shirt.

White circle,

Alex must wear every
T-shirt that has been fired.

So the white circle's
the best one.

If a T-shirt lands on
the central target, that T-shirt
must be dunked in the bucket,

then put on Alex.

Then that is the end
of the task. Oh, God.

If a T-shirt lands
in a red circle,

Alex must take off
every T-shirt that he's wearing.

You must always launch
upwards and each T-shirt
can only be launched once.

If you catch
the golden T-shirt,

your T-shirt total
will be doubled.

You have 20 minutes or until
you run out of T-shirts.

Your time starts on the whistle.

Have you used a T-shirt
launcher before?

No. I've never used
a T-shirt launcher before, Alex.

-What do you
think my life is?
-I've used one before.

I worked at the basketball.

-Uh-huh. The basketball?
-For the Lakers.

-Who's your favourite player
on the Lakers?
-Cube, Cube.

Cube is good.

Fuck, he's good.

[applause]

Right.
Well, Greg, Kumail is up first

with Armando and Joel, but
before we begin, I do have to

give one of these, uh,
health and safety warnings about
the video that's coming up.

Just look at
the size of his arms.
They're massive.

Okay.
Here we go.

Okay.

Just a test.

Whoo!

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.
Oh, very satisfying.

I might just do this all day.

-I'm trying something else.
-Okay.

New strategy.

It's never happened
to me before.

It's not usually
a problem I have.

That has happened to you before.

Yeah, it just happened
to me now twice in a row.

Oh, no.
Take it off.

Well, I'm not wearing
a T-shirt, luckily.

-Okay.
-This is so fun, man.

Oh, that one un-flapped.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[gleeful laughter]

Oh!

A lovely launch.

Yes, that's on the white.

It's touching the white.

I don't think it is.

Stay there.

Okay.

Is that on the white?

That's not on the white either.
It's golden T-shirt time.

Golden T-shirt time.

-So, ah, right.
-Okay.

Got to try and catch
this, haven't I?

Yeah.
Being careful.

-Being careful. Yeah.
-Yeah.

This is nerve wracking.

Best of luck.

Don't need it, mate.

Are you good at catching?

Yeah, I've been catching
T-shirts my whole life.

Oh, okay.

A bit of extra juice.

Good.
Come on, come on.

Come on.
I can't even remember
what it does.

[buzzer sounds]

What does it do?

[honks]

Oh.

It's not so bad.

Thank you, Joel.

Pleasure.
Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah.
I've never dressed someone in
a wet T-shirt before, honestly.

15 T-shirts left.

Oh, interesting.

[buzzer sounds]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, it's so wet.

-Arms up. And two.
-Well, it's quite cold.

-Next one.
-Yep.

Doesn't say I have to
be behind the line.

There is no line.

Right. I've got two minutes to
put on as many
T-shirts as possible.

You have two minutes?
No, you should all, put 'em...
Put 'em on. Here.

One and a half minutes.

Okay. Hurry up.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Is this your first day of
putting on T-shirts?
Come on, man.

No.

Why are you so bad at it?

-[whistle blows]
-That's the end of the task.
Your time's up.

-To think you've built this
for two T-shirts.
-It's all coming down now.

[applause]

Wow. Goodness me.
Have we ever had
a contrast between men

like we have here?

The opening reaction
to the T-shirt launch
was like, whoa, whoa!

And then we cut over
here and it's like, oh,
very satisfying.

Kumail, you were a real action
hero for about 30 seconds.

I went, this man's gonna
be deadly accurate.

So then it was just
a total collapse.

Yeah.
The T-shirt dribbled out
of there a couple times.

Once you stop trusting
yourself, there's nowhere to go.

He's right.

There are only
two people left to go.

It is Amy and Joanna.

This is fun.

Okay.

Whoo!

[screams] Oh, my good God.

[laughs]

Wow!

Wow, wow!

Wow!

Right.

Well, that goes far, doesn't it?

Can I take some of these
T-shirts down there?

Yeah, I can bring the thing
down for you if you want.

Oh, my God.
Come on.
Let's go down.

Okay.
I'm strong, remember.

Okay. [laughs]

What am I doing
with the gold one now?

You're trying to catch it.
If you catch it,

your total at the end
will be doubled.

Are you good at catching?

Yep.

Okay.

[buzzer sounds]

[screams]

Oh, my God, that was incredible.

I have to say, I've let myself
down earlier on, but I think
I brought it back with that.

[gasps] Oh!

All I gotta do is get
something on the white and then
you've gotta put the loads on.

-Mm-hmm.
-Right.
I'm not gonna think about it.

Yes! Yes!

-So I start putting them on?
-Yeah, start getting them on.

I'm just gonna help
you put on T-shirts.

There's a wasp.

Oh, you're like a big baby.

I never had a man in front
of me put his clothes on
this fast before ever.

-[bell dings]
-Yes!

You got to dunk that
in the bucket,

put it on me,
and that's the end of the task.

Oh, yes.

There we go.

It's like putting a condom
on a sausage.

Oh, my gosh.
This is brilliant.
That's amazing.

-You've run out?
-Yeah.

-[blows whistle]
-Task over.

Brilliant. High five.

Thank you.

[applause]

Well, I guess the obvious
first question is, have you put
a condom on a sausage?

-Have you?
-Maybe once.

They both managed to get
a lot of T-shirts on me.
They were running at the time.

You dunked one at
the end 'cause you wanted
to put a wet one on me.

-Excuse me?
-Time was running out.

So both women got
24 T-shirts on.

-Wow.
-24.

-Great job.
-Wow.

-But Joanna, you doubled the
number of shirts you put on me.
-What does that do to the score?

Well, it means Armando gets
one point for his one T-shirt.

Joel got six,
so he gets two points.

Kumail, 12, three points.

Amy twice as many.

24, 4 points.

Joanna, twice as many again,

48 T-shirts
and five points to Joanna.

[cheering and applause]

-Shall we see
the scoreboard, then?
-Sure. Yes.

And it does mean
the women are on top,

Joanna's at the top
of the leaderboard with 17.

Then Amy on 16 points.

[applause]

Alright, everyone, can you
please make your way to

the stage for the first
final task of the show.

[applause]

Hello, my handsome prince.

-I'm a little worm.
Hello, Greg.
-Hello.

-Who will be reading
the task for us?
-I think Joanna Page.

Ah. Joanna Page.

You ready?

Find four oranges.

If you find an apple,
you miss your next go.

If you find a lemon,
the order reverses.

If you find a duck, you must
greet the duck by name.

If you find an orange,
you can look under another can.

Fastest to find four
oranges in one turn wins.

-Who's starting, Alex?
-Amy's gonna start.

I've also gotta say, only
one person gets points here.

Only the orange finder
gets five points.

Ready?

-Ready.
-Amy.

-Find the orange!
-Find the orange.

-An apple.
-Apple, that means?

-I miss my next go.
-You miss your next go.
Armando. You're up.

Apple.
You miss your next go

Lemon. That means
the order reverses.
You miss a go. You miss a go.

So it's Kumail's turn.

[gasps]

Hello, Dave?

Oh, hello, Dr Cooper.

Yes.

Hello, Dave,

[grunts]

Please.

Come on.

Aaah!

Fuck you, Debbie.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh.

-Oh.
-Yes. Yes.

[all groan]

Denise, your bitch.

Here we go.
Good feeling, good vibes.

Oh.

Oh.

Debbie, where are
the fucking oranges?

Yes!

-Oh.
-Hiya, Dave.

Donna?! Huh, Donna?

-He twiddles the moustache.
-Oh.

[gasps]

No! Focus!

[screams]

[indistinct chatter]

Armando.

Right that.

That.

Yeah.

It's one of these, and I can't
remember which one it was.

Mm... [screams]

[screams]

Yes.

-Oh, my God.
-I feel very confident.

-Don't listen to them.
-No.

Come on, Joanna.

Yes.

I've always thought
you'd be the one, Joanna.

I always thought Joanna...

Whoa.

-Yes, right.
-Feels good, doesn't it?

-Yes.
-Yeah, this feels right.

Joanna, this could be
the greatest moment
in Taskmaster history.

Oh, my God.

[screams]

[cheering and applause]

-You did it!
-Come down here, we'll
add that to the final score!

[cheering and applause]

-Wow, wow, wow.
-Wow, wow, wow.

Well, only one person
was able to

snuffle out the four oranges

and that was of course
Joanna Page.

You get the full five points.

[cheering and applause]

You truly snuffled for
Wales there, Joanna.

She did, which means
the final league table, we have

Armando and Joel,
joint third on 11 points.

And I say that
because Joanna's got
twice as many points.

She's won the episode
with 22 points!

[cheering and applause]

Joanna Page wins!

Please pop up and claim
your property to keep folk
off your property.

[cheering and applause]

So what have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt
that Taskmaster is
the great leveller.

If you take part,

there is no hierarchy.

There is no ego.

It's just five humans
being together.

But also, oh my, God,
he's so famous.

We have begun.

We'll see you soon
for episode two,

but for now, here is
your winner for the night,
Joanna Page!

[cheering and applause]

[closing theme]