Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

Don't look away.

Don't put that on telly!

Oo-ar!

I might just do this all day.

Argh! This is weird.

It's so tight.

ALL EXCLAIM

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

TYPEWRITER DINGS

Hello. Thank you.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

A herd of comedy wildebeest being whittled down

by the natural selection of their own incompetence.

What lies in wait for them at the watering hole today?

Oh, let's get in the jape Jeep and go and find out.

I hope it's not a comedy crocodile.

Please welcome Amy Gledhill...

...Armando Iannucci...

...Joanna Page,

Joel Dommett,

and Kumail Nanjiani.

And next to me, a man whose favourite films, he tells me,

are the Carry On films because it reminds him

of a golden time in mainstream culture -

when women could be openly objectified,

and it was OK to acknowledge

that some foreign accents are just hilarious.

It's little Alex Horne!

Thank you. I didn't...

You're paraphrasing.

Let's get going. Si, Senor Davies.

And the prize task category this week is

the most unquestionable thing of beauty.

GREG WHISTLES Ooh!

Yes, it's clear-cut, it's unquestionable,

and yet he will question them and judge them

and give maximum points for the most unquestionable one,

such is his right.

And that was a reading from Corinthians chapter 9, verse 18.

Let's do this. Who shall we have first?

Joanna Page.

My thing of unquestionable beauty

is unquestionable evidence of the fact that I was voted

Wales' Sexiest Woman in 2009.

Whoo!

Wow. Thank you very much. Yeah. Great.

This is what she's brought in to represent unquestionable beauty.

GASPING

You might think this is shallow, right?

But this isn't mine.

This is taken from my mother's scrapbook. Mm-hm.

And this is going on, like, 20 years old,

and she still has this, and she has this because she's proud of me.

Yes. And if this doesn't say about the unquestionable beauty of

a mother's love for her daughter, then I don't know what does.

And it gets me here. Wow.

Yeah. Thank you.

I think that is a very strong start. Thank you.

Right, we're off. Kumail.

I brought in something that I find to be very beautiful

and I cannot believe my friend found it in the trash.

Oh, what? Look at this, Greg.

It's a painting that is absolutely gorgeous.

I mean, it just looks like this ghostly child being held captive.

It's grotesque. Thank you.

Can we look at the back of it, please? Yeah.

The back looks like this. It says, "T-Payne."

Why does it say the name of the King of Auto-Tune on the back?

Because it's art, Greg.

And I think the painting's haunted.

I've been trying to get rid of it for years.

I didn't even ship it here,

it was just in my hotel room when I checked in.

I really hope I lose this episode.

Well, you're off to a great start.

Armando.

It's... My wife took it. She's normally a very good photographer.

She said it was an accident.

Yeah, this is a photo of Armando.

So...

I think it's a happy accident,

because it actually shows just how unquestionably beautiful

the whole of planet Earth is -

the nature, the sky -

and how unbelievably insignificant we are as part of it.

Or... I don't know how insignificant the haunting "egg island" is.

Two left, Greg. Amy.

I have brought a painting of Yorkshire... Ah. Oh.

...because I think Yorkshire's beautiful,

and I've made a very special frame which I'd like to show you,

which I think makes it even more beautiful.

Well, take a look at this.

Good.

Who did the painting?

My friend Poppy Hillstead. From Yorkshire?

Yeah. Ey up!

I like it very much.

Joel, what have you brought us?

I've also gone for a painting, Amy.

Take a look at this, Greg.

It's pretty good. I know what you've done.

You know what I've done? If you've not guessed...

I know what he's... ..that is your head, and that's your body.

Oh, my... Oh, is it your body? It's Kumail's body

and it's Greg's head,

and that's little Alex Horne on the pants.

Yeah, I... I see that.

You and I make a great hybrid.

Oh, it's sort of so sad,

because I'll never get to see that in real life.

Really, it's just that head on top of a bag of suet.

Right, do you want to score these beautiful things?

Yeah. It's tough... Mm.

...because I was quite touched by all but one.

So, there's one to come out. And you'll thank me for that.

I think there's got to be a gap between creepy child and the others.

I'm going to give muscly me three points.

Muscly me.

OK, so three points to Joel.

I'm going to give Armando's head island four points.

Thank you. The general populace would love

the bond between mother and daughter,

and the people of Yorkshire would love to be celebrated by a picture

surrounded by Yorkshire puddings,

and thus, five points each to the two ladies.

There we go. Five points to Amy, five points to Joanna.

Let us task.

Yes, and we begin with something you and I struggle with

before every recording, Greg.

Kissing? No! It's what to wear.

What to wear!

Amy. Hello!

Big deep breath. In you go. AMY INHALES

OK. Ooh, echo.

Do you like the acoustics?

Yeah. Whoa.

Yeah, it makes my skull vibrate.

Is it warm in there? It's warm and loud.

I feel like I should be grabbing money

at the end of The Crystal Maze.

What's that?

Oh, it's another show. No.

It was popular before this one was.

I want to keep the seals.

I'm going to keep all these seals for eBay.

It's lovely and sunny. Oh, my God.

"Choose how much of Alex's bowling outfit to wear throughout part two."

"If you choose Alex's bowling overalls,

"your final time will be reduced by two minutes."

"If you choose Alex's bowling gloves,

"your final time will be reduced by three minutes."

"If you choose Alex's bowling glasses,

"your time will be reduced by four minutes."

"If you choose Alex's bowling shoes,

"your final time will be reduced by five minutes."

"If you choose to wear Alex's whole bowling outfit,

"your final time will be reduced by 20 minutes."

"You have one minute."

"Your time starts now."

The more I choose,

my final time will be reduced by 20 minutes, so that's good.

I want to reduce my time? Who knows?

There may be a hindrance.

There may be.

I'm going to go for bowling overalls.

Bowling overalls.

I'm going to put your bowling glasses on. OK.

So I will wear the shoes

and the gloves.

Your time will be reduced by eight minutes.

I'm going to go the whole outfit, then, am I?

Yeah.

I choose to wear your whole outfit.

Good stuff.

I'll bring it to you now.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, God.

So who are the two people that chose the whole outfit?

What's your thinking with that?

This is quite interesting about this show.

You don't... It makes you realise who you are as a person...

Yeah. Mm. ..you know? Yeah.

And I've realised I'm really excited... Yeah. Yeah.

...and I'm fucking stupid.

Let's see what the skittle outfits did, shall we?

Yes. Well, decisions have been made.

Will they regret those decisions?

Of course they will.

Oh, hi, Joanna. Hello.

You're wearing my bowling glasses. I am.

They're very nice. Yeah, they help.

I did say

there's something Guantanamo about this whole process, didn't I?

Yeah, I strongly disagree with that.

I think I've got my technique down.

Yeah. And I've never worn these.

You look good. Do you think? Yeah.

You wouldn't lie to me now...? No, no.

JOEL GRUNTS Ooh, yeah. Please be careful.

Find and open the task and give it a good read.

JOANNA CHUCKLES

There we go. Well done.

"Get the bowling ball in the bucket."

"You must stay onstage at all times."

"There is a two-minute time penalty..."

"..for any skittle touched."

"And all skittles must be standing

"when the bowling ball enters the bucket."

"Fastest wins. Your time started when you stepped on the stage."

Where's the bowling ball? Oh!

All right. Oh, no.

The thing I already love about this group of contestants is that

none of them mind.

Like, when you find out it's some awful outfit that's going

to make things so much worse, you're like, "Ha-ha, ha-ha!"

Joanna was just, "Ooh! Ha-ha!"

I got really excited... I know!

...because they were really good fun to put on. Yeah.

OK, let's bowl.

Well, up first, it is Amy G and Jo P.

"Get the bowling ball in the bucket."

JOANNA GIGGLES

On the stage. It's quite near the skittles.

It's right near the skittles!

Oh, I can... SHE LAUGHS

I can see it!

Oh, right. OK.

"Get the bowling ball in the bucket."

Oh, shoot! Oh! Oh, my God, no!

No! No!

SLOW MOTION YELP

Oh, my God! AMY CHUCKLES

Oh, no!

Ha! The good news is you've only touched one skittle.

Oh, my God,

do I have to put all of these back up for when it goes in?

I think so. OK.

Oh, my God.

This isn't how I expected this to go.

All right. All right.

Standing them up one at a time.

AMY LAUGHS Oh.

OK. Oh, my God, no. Don't.

JOANNA LAUGHS

Oh, no, don't.

Oh, no. Don't you... No!

JOANNA LAUGHS

I reckon I'm on for losing this task.

Naughty dogs, running away.

Put those ones there. Three left.

Two left.

They're all up.

Stop the clock! Stop the clock.

Sort of quite poetic, the way that they both just went, "Bfffft!"

It was poetic, yes. Yeah.

But they all had to be standing up when the ball went in the bucket.

And they did badly.

Amy took 32 minutes.

But you saved 20 minutes by wearing the full outfit. Oh, yes. Whoa.

But you did touch every single skittle - that's 54 skittles. OK.

Two-minute penalty per skittle,

so that's a punishment of 108 minutes,

plus the 12 minutes, so you took exactly two hours.

Wow.

Joanna, you actually only took five minutes, 59 to get... Really?

Wow. And also touched every single skittle,

so your total time was 109 minutes and 59 seconds.

So you were about ten minutes quicker.

You're in the lead. Yes.

Now, in a sad reflection of the state of our society,

we must pause for some gambling adverts.

I don't... Is it...? I don't think it's advert time.

Do you want a bet? Yes.

Ha-ha, ha! LAUGHTER

Hello. We're back.

And it's part two,

and there's a ball that badly needs to be banged into a bucket.

Who's next? That's right, kids, it's Joel and Armando.

I don't regret my decision.

I bet you're all thinking that I regret it.

You guys can absolutely do one.

Ooh!

Restrict the number of skittles that I touch.

ARMANDO CHUCKLES Do be careful.

Two minutes each.

See you later.

One. One.

Well, I might do two.

Don't regret it.

This will be very heavy.

Ooh! Oh!

Where's the...?

Ha, just...

Argh!

Were they standing when the ball went in the bucket?

You have it on record.

You filmed that, didn't you?

Argh! Argh! Argh!

So you're putting your hopes on

the freeze-frame with that ball going in the bucket,

they're still on their feet, these skittles?

Yeah. Task complete.

Nearly.

Two, four.

Ooh. Oh, fuck off.

Shit off.

Shit. Shit.

KLAXON

BELL DINGS Perfect.

I don't regret it. No?

Ah! I don't regret it.

Oof. I don't regret it. No.

I don't regret it.

Stop the clock!

Wow. I don't regret it.

AUDIENCE GROANS

What a shit.

Pardon? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, he is. He is a little shit. Oh, God, yes.

Well, I put it there to make it easier.

You didn't have to... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who'd have thought that your fingers scrabbling around,

trying to get into a bowling ball would be so tense?

I kind of enjoyed the drama of it, watching it back.

Oh, Christ, I was on the edge of my seat!

He was very close to nailing the task.

You were quick - three minutes, 20, you got the ball in. Yeah.

And you did offer me the option of then saying,

"You've got time to pick them all up,"

and I thought that was funny.

I want to just stop at the funny.

And also, I couldn't be bothered.

Do you regret not regretting it with the wisdom of hindsight?

I think it was absolutely fine.

You know, it was an adventure,

and hopefully that adventure didn't cost me too much time.

You were almost exactly the same as Amy

cos you touched every single skittle,

you were wearing all the outfits, so it's minus 20, but plus 108.

And you took 28 minutes and 46 seconds,

so you were ever so slightly quicker than Amy.

Mm. I don't regret it.

Well... Yeah. LAUGHTER

Who's next? Yes, well, there is only one person left to see.

Kumail...

According to his resume, he's agile, he's strong, he's sexy, he's smart,

and he's made for exactly this sort of task.

Yes, he's Kumail Nanjiani.

I've touched two skittles. Yes.

OK. So you've not touched that one.

Clever...

All right, I'm learning.

OK.

AUDIENCE OOHING & AHHING

This feels like a big moment.

AUDIENCE GASPS

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

KUMAIL GRUNTS

Can I get some water?

I'm getting a cramp, hold on.

Ah!

Can you get me a banana?

Yeah, I'll get you a banana.

I'm just going now.

Thank you.

Are you in quite a lot of pain?

Yeah. I could offer you a certain amount of time per skittle

and I could give you a hand.

You could... What?

You could give me a hand? Well...

Yeah, how much...? If I'm touching them,

that's two minutes per skittle. I'll give you one minute.

But I don't benefit from that.

85 seconds?

OK. Yeah?

Sure. OK.

85 seconds.

170 seconds.

It...

It did go in the bucket.

It's not in the bucket.

It was in the bucket for a moment!

LAUGHTER

I'll do it gingerly this time.

I've stopped the clock, Kumail.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

I had conflicting emotions watching you.

Like, there were very clever things,

like you came up with the not-touching-the-skittles system...

Thank you. ..and I thought, "Ah, that's clever."

And then very quickly after it, I thought,

"I'm not going to have to watch him move all of them?!"

I decided that no matter how long it took,

I was going to get them done,

and I was only going to touch two skittles.

You did touch four in the end,

and you took nearly 40 minutes to do it.

But because of my bargaining,

the maths means that the 85-second penalty per skittles that I touched,

you actually got it in 55 minutes and 13 seconds.

You actually were the fastest out of the five of them.

GASPING I won that task? WE won this task.

We won this task.

What? CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Let's give some points out, you. OK.

Well, Armando did not really finish the task.

Couldn't care less. Yep.

I don't regret it. OK.

So zero to Armando. We jump up, then -

Amy, two hours, two points somehow.

Joel, nearly two hours, three points.

Joanna, also nearly two hours, four points.

But the winner of the task, five points, it's Kumail Nanjiani.

Do you think we could see a scoreboard, please? I do.

Armando, you won't be surprised to hear,

you're currently in last place with four points. Mm.

And at the top, she won the first episode,

she's winning this one, Joanna Page has nine points.

Wahey! JOANNA LAUGHS

Next one, please. OK, but let's just slow down a moment

and take some time to reflect.

Go.

Ooh.

Hello?

Ah.

O-oh!

Hello.

Oh, my God, I thought it was a mirror!

SHE CHORTLES

Shoutout to the art department.

Absolutely fanta... Oh! Whoa!

Wow! This is incredible!

Right, OK. Oh, there you... Ooh! Hello.

Hang on. Right.

Yes. Ah, yes. Yes. Yes.

Hey, Alex.

Kumail.

Ooh. AMY GASPS

Ah. No! Didn't think so.

Shall I? Yes, please.

Whew. OK.

That was great, man.

Like, exhilarating. Exhilarating. Yeah.

"Do exactly what your reflection does."

"You must decide what Alex does, then mirror him.

"Most ambitious..."

"..but also accurate mirroring wins."

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

OK.

So I've got 20 minutes to decide what my re...

My... weird me do for... Oh, dear.

So I decide what you do and then I do it with you? Mm-hm.

Ideally, something I'm good at.

I just need to think about ambitious... Yes.

I'll leave you to it. Yeah.

Can you do a handstand? No.

Can you? Yeah. Ah.

You could teach me.

Like, I feel like we should learn a dance. Mm.

20 minutes, I think we could, like, get it down.

Scoop, scoop.

Then we're going to scoop that way. Scoop, scoop.

Let's get a couple of easels and then we'll paint.

And what are we going to paint?

That's up to you.

You know what?

I think you paint whatever you want to paint.

All you've got to do... I don't even know if I can

genuinely do a handstand now -

I'm 48 and I've had four children.

Ah. I'm going to try and see if it's possible.

Are you ready?

OK. JOANNA GRUNTS

It's not possible.

JOANNA LAUGHS

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable!

That was so good! Oh, my God.

AMY EXHALES

I can't think we're ever going to see anything less ambitious

than the time between you announcing you can do a handstand

and the reality.

Oh, my God. I really thought I could still do them.

When was the last time you did one?

Probably when I was about 12!

So, ambition. It's ambition and accuracy, Greg.

Mm. Got to factor in the ambition.

Oh, I'll factor that in, don't you worry.

Well, let's go with Amy, who went to some pretty extreme lengths

to make me appear just like her.

That was so good. That was really good!

The accuracy was high, I thought.

Thank you. Very good.

I am somewhat confused by you dressing as Barry Gibb.

The shoop dance was good. It was. There was lots going on.

There was lots of accuracy. It's a hell of a start.

Next, it's Joel,

and if you're wondering if he took his top off...

...there are no spoilers here.

Wow. Ah.

That was good.

That was the most homoerotic thing I've seen all week.

We were facing away from each other, so that's really difficult,

so the level of difficulty is... Yeah, yeah.

...absolutely incredible.

And we took our tops off - that's fun right? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was probably more drawn in

by you taking your tops off and kissing.

Time for an advert break, I think.

We'll see you in a minute.

Hello. Yes.

Don't you worry, we're still here.

The current task has seen our art department excel

with a mirror illusion in a lab.

And now it's Kumail looking in the mirror,

as per bloody usual.

LAUGHTER

Good.

How did you feel that went?

I can't paint, so I don't...

I don't know why I chose to do that.

But isn't that ambitious, ironically?

It... That's why I did it.

You know the thing that vexed me the most about it?

Yes. You missed one of the rabbit's giant ears off.

I didn't, I put both ears on the same side.

On the same side.

I did. What's next?

Will it be a handstand performance next?

Definitely not, because it's Joanna Page.

Interesting.

What I'm interested in is the narrative of your dance. Mm.

I don't think I was even, like, human.

We were sort of just emotional,

and it was, like, exhilarating

and sort of finding this freedom together

on an emotional plane. Ah.

And then, after going round like that,

there was a huge release.

This is making me look at Steps in a whole different way.

And then what emerged from that was,

I can birth and bring life in.

It's the love of a mother and a daughter!

Exactly!

Wow. Exactly.

Wow. Wow. Thank you, Amy.

Wow. That's what it is.

I enjoyed the analogy -

I suspect it was all horseshit.

There's only one left to see. Let's go.

It is Armando's attempt now.

Unfortunately, he wasn't actually available on the day,

so instead he sent Ben Kingsley in to do it for him.

Let's have a look at Ben Kingsley.

A-ah!

SLOW MOTION YELP

A-ah! SLOW MOTION YELP

SLOW MOTION YELP

That's great.

Oh, my God. I enjoyed that.

I mean, speaking as a man of a similar vintage to you,

just throwing yourself on the floor was ambitious. Yeah, yeah.

A bit of slapstick.

Why did you decide to cast yourself as Ben Kingsley?

No, I was just trying to look like him.

We were trying to meet in the middle, I think, was the idea.

Were we? OK. Well, I went that way and...

Yes, you went... Yeah. Thank you.

Was Ben Kingsley known for diving?

That's what... I was watching you, like, "Is there a reference...?"

Let's just forget Ben Kingsley.

He's got nothing to... It was me.

I was just trying to look like him. That was you?!

LAUGHTER Yeah.

And me! That's how good it was. Yeah.

Apart from Kumail's, obviously, I loved them all.

One point. OK.

One point to Kumail.

They were all pretty powerful from this point onwards.

So let's look at accuracy.

Probably Joel's was slightly less accurate than the others.

Yeah, I can understand that.

And I'm going to give you two points, but I think it's harsh,

I'll tell you that. It's all right. Now...

...how accurate was the universe?

Slightly less accurate than the shoop-shoop, I think.

So, whilst it was a powerful statement about life,

I can only give you three points. I'll take it.

I'm going to give Amy four points because it was incredibly accurate.

That is harsh. But the one that moved me the most...

Mm. ..and was also accurate,

and I think it will open up new doors for him...

Finally. ..was Armando Iannucci, takes five points.

Yeah. Thank you. Five points for Armando.

What is next? Well, it is my idea of heaven -

lots of instructions, a secret code and a really big balloon. Mmm!

Hello?

Everything all right in there?

I think so.

"Present."

PREsent or preSENT?

Great question.

This is your sort of thing. This is my sort of thing?

I think so. Do you reckon?

What is my sort of thing?

Fun? Fun?

Right.

"Achieve the most things on this list..."

"..before the balloon pops."

"If you do the special thing,

"the balloon will stop inflating for ten seconds."

Ten seconds? If you do the special thing.

I feel like I haven't been looking around for alternate solutions.

"You must not touch the balloon mechanism."

"Your time starts when the balloon starts inflating."

The special th... Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh, gosh! Right.

OK. Right.

God. What's the special thing?

Stop inflating!

You thought the special thing might be to say, "Stop inflating"?

I thought it was worth a shot.

Yeah!

Well, this is all pretty self-explanatory, I think.

I don't want to dwell. I just want to crack on and have a look.

Fair enough. They were under pressure,

they had to achieve a lot of different things.

And we're going to begin with three of the five.

and that is Joanna, Joel and Amy.

"One, thread a needle."

Yes.

I told you it was your sort of thing.

I love this.

This is ridiculous. What's the special thing?

I love you.

OK, I've found the end of the sticky tape.

One. That's one.

Oh, dear. This is a mistake.

Ah!

Ahh!

Get it, get it, get it!

Right. My husband never answers the phone.

We're actually in the middle of an argument

cos he doesn't answer the phone.

Hello?

Chris, I need you to whisper to me on the phone.

Yes, I can whisper to you.

Two. OK, bye.

Whisper what you had for breakfast.

All right, thanks very much. Gotta go. Bye, bye, bye. Yeah, bye!

I'll put my number... Fine. ...into yours.

PHONE RINGS What do you want me to whisper?

CALL ECHOES "Hello. I'm a big fan of you."

Hello. I'm a big fan of you.

Done!

"Put on the galoshes. Put on the galoshes."

Where's my mother? Come on, Mum!

Oh, hello, Mum!

Can you just very quickly

just shout out what you had for breakfast?

Shout at me down the phone!

Oh, shout at you? Oh, hang on a second.

Mum, you don't have to wait, just shout!

What on earth are you doing? For goodness' sake!

Thank you.

Just shout, "Scrambled egg!"

Scrambled egg! Thanks, Mum. Thank you very much.

"Find the end of the sticky tape." Right.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm good at this.

Oh, you ARE good at that. Yep.

Where do you think a pouch is?

That's a pouch. OK, fair enough.

Right, I'm going to put the galoshes on first

because that's something.

They're on. They're on.

I'm going to do the present first.

Did it say "neatly"? Yeah. Yeah.

That's good.

Could you read to me what else is on the list?

O-ow! O-ow!

Ow-ow-ow! OK.

I hate maths... Have you done that?

...and to be honest... Yeah, I've done it,

and I've got to sew up my pouch.

Where does a galosh start and a wader end?

Where do you think the pouch is? Oh, fuck, is it in there?!

Argh!

"Be shouted out by a woman on the phone."

My wife just rang - it was perfect timing, actually.

I've sewn up that. Yeah, that counts.

"Sew up the pouch,

"once you've put a sock in it."

Oh, my God! Oh!

I didn't do any of it in the right order!

You're so clever!

AMY SCREAMS

SLOW MOTION SCREAM

Welcome to the EE... My wife just hung up on me.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Agh.

SLOW MOTION SCREAM

Not bad.

The first time I've seen you on this show so far

not looking like you were having the time of your life. Yeah.

The threading of the needle seems to have broken you.

I used the whole thing as sort of something...

Some sort of way to get Alex Horne's number.

I loved your mum needed a beat

before she would shout at you straight away.

She was in the middle of Swansea town centre... Yeah.

...and I was going, "Mum, will you just shout down the phone?"

And she had to get herself together.

But I think it's a Welsh thing,

because my relatives are Welsh as well,

and I don't think there's a lot of shouting in Wales

because the response to most situations is,

"Well, there we are. Happens."

Yeah!

My mum took no persuading.

No, she didn't. "Scrambled egg!"

She was straight in, didn't even need to know why!

Well, Amy did pretty well.

Amy got seven out of the ten things done... Whoo!

Oh, all right! ...which is a lot better than Joel,

who got four, or five if you count the neatly-wrapped present.

Yes, I do count it... Oh.

...because he has to be rewarded

for spending three hours threading a needle.

OK, well, you've got half the things done,

but this pales next to Joanna,

who got nine out of ten. Whoa!

Oh. Let down on my maths again. Unbelievable.

Wow.

OK, time for the last ad break of the show.

We're just moments away from one of the contestants

winning a portrait of my head on an Asian man's body.

Has this been signed off by Channel 4, Alex?

Yes.

We're safe! See you after the break.

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to part four of Taskmaster,

and some very speedy tasking.

Oh, they're quick,

they're slick, and I've done a little sick.

Now the final two attempts.

First they worked on Veep together,

now it's the next step on the entertainment career ladder -

trying to find the end of some sticky tape,

howling and putting on galoshes.

Yes, it's Armando and Kumail.

Oh, God. "Howl for 30 seconds."

O-ow!

H-o-ow-ar!

W-ay! O-ow! A-a-gh! O-ow!

30 seconds. Thank you, Kumail.

Thank YOU. Lovely howling.

Right, here we go. Wrap.

"Find the end of the sticky tape."

Well, I'll make an end and then I'll find it.

That was cool.

So...

I can't count and wrap.

Hello, baby. Hey, Emily, I'm on camera.

Can you just yell at me?

I can't believe how much I love you! Argh!

OK, I love you too. Bye.

Present's wrapped. Well done. Yeah. There we are.

Erm... Galoshes.

You've done the special thing, by the way.

Have I done the special thing?

Yeah, it stopped for ten seconds.

Well...

Right, I'm going to do that towards the end, I think.

How do I find out what the special thing is?

I guess trial and error.

I've threaded the needle.

Tremendous work.

"Neatly wrap the present."

You've just done the special thing, just so you know.

Neatly wrap the present. Neatly wrap the present.

What did I do? What did I do?!

What was the special thing that I did?

How do I be whispered to by a man on the phone?

Is there a number to ring?

Probably quite a lot of numbers you could ring.

ARMANDO LAUGHS Hello?

Hey, can you whisper to me?

OK. Wow, it really does sound like the inside of my own head.

Thank you so much. Goodbye.

"Sock in a pouch."

Pouch. Pouch. Pouch. Pouch.

Where do you think the pouch might be?

Oh, it's not...

Can I have your sock?

What are you looking for? I did something over here

and the thing stopped. Oh, I see.

Are you trying to do the special thing? Was it that?

Did I do...?

Right, there we go.

Well, this might make life easier.

Thank you.

BALLOON POPS

You just did the special thing again.

Is it this? Yeah.

Touching your head, yeah.

Hi, could you shout at me? Just shout at me.

You're not shouting. You've got to shout.

BALLOON POP REPLAY OK!

Well, too late. Goodbye.

See you.

I forgot to do that. HE CHUCKLES

So you worked out the special thing

and then didn't use the special thing. Yeah.

I just got stuck in an argument with my wife...

...who'd just told me I hadn't put the bins out.

And had you not put the bins out? I hadn't.

Interesting, your partner's declaration of love for you -

not very British, that.

My wife is not here with me,

and when I heard her voice, I got teary-eyed.

Aw. I really did.

God, it's sickening.

And presumably, you've got someone who does the bins for you.

No. No. She does the bins. Oh, she does...

Yes. So in the end, Joel, you were last.

You got five out of ten, so one point.

Then Armando got six out of ten, two points.

Kumail and Amy both got seven out of ten,

so they share four points each.

The winner of the task, five points,

nine things completed, was Joanna Page!

Wow. Wow.

Well done, Joanna.

OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

BAGPIPES PLAY

Alex, who will read the task?

Kumail Nanjiani is going to read the task.

Here we go. HE CLEARS THROAT

"Work out what word the piper is piping.

"You may have one guess and may only guess

"if you are the first to raise both your hands.

"First to two correct guesses wins."

This is the piper. He's called Johnny Pipes.

He'll pipe a word, you've got to try to work out what the word is.

You have glockenspiels in front of you.

You can try to recognise the notes

that he's playing by playing your own glockenspiel.

I am genuinely medically tone-deaf. Medically?

When you think you've got it right, raise both your hands

and then you can say your guess when I point at you,

but if you're wrong, you can't guess any more for that word. OK.

Just to warn you, he's got to start with the letter E

to get the pipes going.

So when he's ready to spell his word,

he will have his leg up

and he will put it down to start the word.

Joel, happy? I've just got to warn you,

I don't understand what's going on.

Let's go, Johnny. Yep.

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

OK. He has spelt the first word.

It was low.

HUMMING

Johnny can spell it again if you want it.

Yes, please. Yes, please, Johnny. Let's have the word again.

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

GREG MIMICS BAGPIPES

Yes, Armando?

Bee. It is bee!

Wow!

Can I just say? I loved your face when Armando got the word.

Your face went, "It works!" Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Yeah. OK, it's one to Armando, nothing to anyone else yet.

OK.

Ready for the next word?

Leg up, Johnny.

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

ALEX GASPS Straight in there. Amy.

Egg. It is egg!

Yay! Well done. I did it, I did it, I did it!

How are you feeling, Joel?

I feel like...

It's just lovely to listen to music.

One to Amy, one to Armando. Mm.

The words are now going to get longer. Mm.

Oh, God, right. Leg up, Johnny.

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

HUMMING

Maybe get a bit closer to the instrument, Joel.

Fuck. Ooh.

Does anyone know any of the letters of this one? Ha!

I feel I'm close, but it doesn't make a word. Ah! Mm.

Armando. Is it faded?

It's not. No? OK. Aw!

It's not faded, I'm sorry. Oh, good. It clarifies that, then.

Yeah, no, it's not that, so you have to have your hands on your hips.

I'm out. You're out of this word, Armando.

Can we have it once more, please?

Leg up, Johnny.

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

Oh, I know... If Joel gets this, I'm going to explode.

JOANNA CHUCKLES

Badge! Yeah!

Let's go, Johnny. Leg up, Johnny.

LAUGHTER HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

What's the word, Amy?

It is baggage!

I have baggage too! Yes.

It's good.

OK. Well, I'll bring you down and we'll add that to the final scores,

but first, a big round of applause for Johnny!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Come down and join me.

So, Greg, Joanna and Kumail didn't get any right,

but they came joint fourth, so they get two points.

Armando and Joel, four points each for getting one right.

But the winner of the task, five points

for her two correct answers is Amy Gledhill.

Whoo-ee! Yeah.

And that's enough to make her the winner of the episode

with a huge 20 points. Oh!

Well done, Amy! Yeah!

Amy Gledhill wins!

Please go and collect your booty of unquestionable beauty!

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Here's your winner tonight, it's Amy Gledhill!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media