Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who follows you and you.

All the things we make up. Laugh and cry.

Be a family guy.

My apologies, Mr. Griffin. Dr.

Hartman is still with a patient and definitely not playing rock band through

paper -thin walls of his office right now.

Well, I'm here to remind you of the mess.

Watch out for the plug. Watch out for the plug. Oh, you dope.

Sorry, I was with a very sick patient.

You're still wearing the guitar.

Oops, my bad. Let's keep that off the Yelp, huh?

So you're here for a physical. I'll start with a few questions. How many

would you say you have per week? Four. Oh. Hundred. Oh.

Fifty. Okay, you need to talk faster. Now, I'm going to show you a list of the

top ten songs on Spotify. Tell me how many of these artists or songs you

recognize. Nine. Oh, wait, I know her.

Dua, Dua, Duolingo. Not sure we can accept that. Let's go to the Gen Z judge

who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media.

Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?

Well, he's busy being sad about almonds. However, I can say that given your age

and embarrassing lack of pop culture knowledge, it's time I schedule you for

your first colonoscopy. What the hell is that? Here's a video of a plumber from

Southie describing the whole thing.

So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose. Look, I know it sounds

but it ain't. It's a real medical procedure.

It's not gay.

You ever had one?

Nah, what am I, gay?

What's all that stuff? Oh, just some forms. We're going on a field trip to

animal shelter, and I need Mom to chaperone. You need a chaperone for a

the animal shelter, and you're not asking me?

Why? So you can taunt all the German shepherds behind bars?

I wouldn't do that.

Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging?

Damn. Look, all I'm saying is I could provide hope to those dogs in there

given up by telling them my story. A story of inspiration.

A story of will. A story of triumph.

You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker. A story of

doing hand stuff for drugs.

I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now.

Yep, my barber said I'm overdue for mine.

You mean your doctor?

Nope, barber.

Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers and their haircut advice

from their doctors.

We're all just one guy off.

Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored months of bloody toilet

water and slowly withered away to die a costly and unnecessary death?

You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off is because deep down

we're scared. And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're

scared of. All right, I'll go first.

I'm mostly scared of someone seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener. That's

what I'm scared of, too.

What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary?

Like, what if we rented a cabin and did the prep night together so we could be

there to support one another?

That would make it easier.

I'd do it. I'd be into that. Great. Cleveland? Yeah, Devante said it's cool.

assuming Devante is your... Devante is my barber, yes.

Hi, kids. I'm Sophie.

Welcome to the animal shelter where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is

always one to one. So let's meet... Hi, Sophie. Brian Griffin. Dog who's also

pretty much a guy. I'll take it from here. Fellow canines, my name is Brian

Griffin. And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours.

Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?

Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan is

making you all look in those commercials, there is hope. And I am

of that. Everyone moved on to the cat section three seconds into whatever that

was. Wait, they have cats here?

Oh, I will not be around cats.

It's an animal shelter. They've got everything.

They even have Diddy's Pit Bull.

Just let me outside. I'll play in the yard. I won't look. I won't tell nobody

nothing.

Come on, Brian. Even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute. Oh, cats are

terrible, selfish creatures.

I mean, who poops inside?

Oh, my God! Get her off! Get her off! Get her off!

Huh.

I guess that is kind of cute.

You know, maybe I was wrong about cats.

Okay, kid. It's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders.

Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider until they get one home.

Come on, Brian, we gotta go.

All right, let me just take this guy off now.

What are you doing? You're going to kill him! Drop it! Drop it now!

What happened? I blacked out.

You killed a kitten, you monster!

I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here, and we're going to be in so

much trouble!

All right, listen, we can't just leave the dead kitten in here. Okay, let me

think. Well, there's got to be a dumpster out back. We could just put it

there. I don't think we have another choice.

You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil and wake up back at

I thought you said you were going to keep your mouth shut.

Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning, so I'm going to go mix up some

tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.

I made a killer diarrhea playlist.

Boy, you guys are going to lose it when we're five hours in and Natalie

Imbruglia's Torn comes on.

You got Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out on there?

This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, OK, pal?

Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails.

Joe, here's your bum and coke. Peter, you get a piña colonada. And Cleveland

gets a gin and deuce. Play it back.

And I made myself a coiler maker.

Bottoms up.

And then in 45 minutes, bottoms very much down.

Oh, my God. Now, I assume that a single -room cabin in the woods has four

bathrooms? Well, technically, it has one three -quarter bath.

So there's not even a tub? I call the shower.

Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?

I don't have time to argue with you. I'll be in the shower. I call the

I'm bagged and ready to go 24 -7. Fine, I'll figure it out.

Whose blue luggage is this?

Peter, no. That's my Away brand luggage.

I get compliments on that.

You guys look high as balls.

Anyway, time for your results.

Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear.

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large.

Was it my penis?

It was definitely not your penis, although your butt is gigantic.

What we found was this.

Oh, my God! My childhood G .I. Joe!

That was inside his colon?

Yep. I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind.

Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars.

He was kind of like the Scout.

Did you happen to see anything like that? Oh, never mind. I think they just

out of the mess hall.

Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?

I was a kid.

If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.

You ate a G .I. Joe?

Oh, are we going to play this game, Quagmire? Are we going to play the How

Objects Get Inside of You game? Withdrawn.

Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G .I. Joe Scout with binoculars, and it says

it's worth $100 ,000.

What? Oh, wow.

Let me see that.

Holy crap, it does say that.

Wait, I'm in your phone as white number three?

What am I listed as in your phone?

Withdrawn.

I still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten. You don't think that

shelter has cameras, do you? There was one water bowl for 40 dogs. I don't

they have money for cameras.

Well, as long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine. Yes, as long as I

don't talk, we'll be fine. What's that supposed to mean? I'm just saying my

silence comes at a price. And that price is the cost of an annual membership at

the Soho House Malibu.

What? That's the most expensive solo house.

Fine. Then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week. And I refuse to sit

next to any of the Hadids. I will get you a sticker book of Bluey.

You, sir, have my silence.

Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt away from the onion rings

we're all eating? Sorry.

So, what do you guys think I should do with the hundred grand I'll make from

selling this thing? What do you mean? We're splitting it. Yeah, we each get a

share of that.

I never said I'd split it. He was inside me. I was the one who spent decades

carrying him to term. He wouldn't even have gotten the colonoscopy if it wasn't

for us. I'm not giving you guys my money.

We can't let him get away with this. I agree with white number two.

Hey, check it out. Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now.

Howdy, TikTok.

I'm Mayor Wild West, here today with a hat -over -my -heart press conference.

See, my sweet feline companion, Meower West, has gone missing.

I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility, but

when I went to pick him up, he was gone, possibly kidnapped.

Well, when I find out who took him, I will personally pursue the harshest

punishment allowed by law.

Thank you, TikTok.

Now, enjoy the vicious comments on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly

struggling. So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked.

Oh, my God.

I killed Mayor Wild West's cat.

Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad. You've got to get out of town.

Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can leave at a moment's notice.

Here, you take it.

What's this?

That's a European adapter for my corn air hair dryer.

I think you're going to need that. Four pairs of boots?

I don't know who's going to see me twice.

You know, I... I can't believe you would let something like a toy get in the way

of your friendship with the guys, Peter.

So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years after she got the same haircut as

you. Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch.

I'm just saying, think of all the great times you've had with the guys. And

you're going to give it up for what?

40, 50 bucks?

50 bucks?

Lois, this thing's worth $100 ,000.

Wow, Dad's right.

I just Googled it. What? Let me see that.

Oh, my God. Peter, we're going to be rich.

OK, forget everything I just said. Screw those guys. Your butt stuff belongs to

us.

I get it.

Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin? Yeah.

You've been served.

Those bastards are actually suing me for their share at a GI Joe.

Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?

Yes. I'm here to serve you. Wait, I just served him.

Get out of here. You're lying.

No, I swear to God, sir. What did I just do? He served me.

Hey, I'm just going to go out on a limb here, but are you ambisexual?

I am. Would you like to have a drink and see if we can rub our way to a little

jean smoke?

Love to.

I guess it's true what they say. Every pot has a lid.

Boy, they fogged up that Altima real quick.

What's going on?

Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court.

Yeah, I read that letter. They're taking him to arbitration, not court.

What? Really? Yeah, and if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my

services. I've spent months studying anal salvage law.

You have?

It started out as a fun personal project, but then I kind of fell down an

internet rabbit hole.

But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago.

Well, that's what we would call a happy coincidence now, isn't it?

Okay, Stewie, run me through the plan one more time.

All right, well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian, so there's a

very good chance she'll have a Meow West look -alike inside. So I'll distract

her here at the front door. You sneak in through the back and find us a

replacement cat.

I don't know. Me in another room full of cats seems risky.

Oh, that's the risky part? Not the high -wire improvisational act I'm about to

pull off with the librarian.

No, I suppose that's the easy part, right? Do I need to remind you I'm on

improv theater's house team, Brian?

We had to kick Brad off, by the way. He did the Chinese voice on stage again.

Whatever. I just want this whole thing to be over already.

Hello, I'm an online dating expert, and I'm giving one lucky person a free

Bumble profile makeover. May I ask how your dating life is going?

Oh, let's just say my dating life's quieter than the place I work.

I work in a library.

No, yeah, I'm aware.

Let's have a look at your profile, shall we? Oh, sure.

Let me just log in.

All right, here you go.

All right, we'll start with your photos. We'll lose this one of you pointing at

a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's. We'll also lose this one of you

with your mother in her hospice bed. Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to

yard.

Oh, this one of you at the beach is decent. I mean, we'd have to airbrush

the knee dimples, but this could work. Let me see if I... Ah, knee dimples be

gone.

Oh, a match.

What? Let me see that.

A Jewish urologist? Oh, I love that for you. Let's look at his profile.

Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus, on a public bus.

Let's, um...

Let's keep looking here.

And I quote, we are all in this together no matter what. That is why my class

deserves their share of the profits, Your Honor.

Thank you, Mr. Baker.

Okay, we'll now hear from Mr.

Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin, who prepared for this by binge

-watching Suits and then Googling Meghan Markle and then Googling Meghan Markle

deepfakes. Thank you, your boner. If I may direct your attention to exhibits B

through M, all items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours.

New Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra

key fob. Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire feel justified taking home

this highlighter cap?

I submit that Mrs.

Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists.

Poop swoopers, as it were.

I've heard more than enough. Case over.

Over? Who won?

I don't know. Him?

In your face!

You gotta be kidding me! Yeah, that's not fair.

Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.

Excuse me, I work for Christie's Auction House, and we'd love to fetch you top

dollar for that GI Joe.

Wow, the Christie's Auction House?

No, it's actually Chris Christie's Auction House. We specialize in items

were swallowed by fat guys.

We actually have an auction tomorrow we could add you to.

Get there early, though. We're starting with movie props swallowed by James

Spader. Oh, James Spader is so handsome.

Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s, he very much was.

All right, Stewie, this is it. We open the cage, let the new meower west in,

we're out of here.

God damn it!

Oh, Mayor West, good news. I think we found your missing cat.

It may have had a heart attack from the excitement of this reunion.

Well, I only have one question. If that's my cat, who's sitting over there

couch?

Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is... Go bag!

I don't understand, but... A short -haired tattooed woman from the shelter

him in a dumpster left for dead.

Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there.

I'm so sorry, Mayor West. I acted on instinct. I'm just glad he's not dead.

I teach all my cats to play possum. And I teach all my possums to play horse.

And I teach all my horses to play cat.

Circle of life.

Did you teach that one, too? He may have seen my online course. I don't know.

Now, for your punishment.

Oh, no. I hate measured consequences to my actions.

Six bad boys with very bad boys sprinkled in to taste.

Six? That's a death sentence.

Bad boy.

Ow! Bad boy. I can't breathe.

Very bad boy.

That's worse.

Bad boy.

I'm low to the ground. Bad boy.

I can't get any lower. Very bad boy.

Oh, the shame.

$800. Do I hear $900 for the beard Kevin Smith sleep ate off his own face?

Going once, going twice. Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith, who used to be fat and

now looks like he was shrunken by a witch's spell.

Next on the auction block, a vintage Scout GI Joe with binoculars removed

the colon of Peter Griffin.

This is it, Peter.

Yeah, we're gonna be rich.

We'll start the bidding at $75 ,000.

75. 75.

Do I hear 80?

80. It's happening, Peter.

80 ,000. We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence excluding the food

90 ,000. 90. Do I hear 100?

100 ,000.

This is how I feel.

I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor.

$100 ,000 going once, going twice.

Stop the auction.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

What is he doing?

Saving three friendships.

My name is Peter Griffin, and I've realized that no amount of money is

more than great friendships.

I guess what I'm saying is, life isn't about the contents of your butt.

It's about the contents of your heart.

I love you guys.

I'm sorry, Lois. No, I'm the one who's sorry.

No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have. Although, you

could have just taken the money and split it four ways. But you made the

decision, Peter, and I'm proud of you.

But this story had an even happier ending, because 39 years later, the guys

all dead, and I pooped that Joe out again, and I became the oldest freshman

Sarah Lawrence College.

Lois gave me a hall pass, but I failed to achieve arousal when a maybe woman

touched my slacks.

I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter. We won't make the

same mistake next time.

Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years. Maybe we

that same cabin.

Yeah, not sure that's gonna be possible.

That guy was pretty mad. Made me send my own cleaning lady.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

How's no good?