Original subtitles

Hey baby doll, listen and listen good. It's Dan.

I want you to know,

I never meant for things to go south so fast.

But, like an ice cream cone at fat camp,

I never stood a chance.

Gotta be honest, I don't know how this story's gonna end,

so I mind as well tell you how it begins.

(dan coughs) While I still can.

It was a perfect summer day.

The kind of day you want to spend the night with.

Back then, I was just your average John Q. nobody,

not a care in the world.

Hey! Stop spoiling your appetite!

(knocking at the door) Are you expecting someone?

What are YOU selling?

I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor.

And just now, I came home to find my cat, Poopsie STOLEN!

I'm very sorry to hear that, Mrs...

Miss. O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan.

Nice to meet you. I'm Dan.

Speaking of me, why are you telling me this?

I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat.

You two understand each other

like no human and feline I've ever seen.

I'm begging for your help.

I've got nowhere else to turn, see!

When I was a kid, my mom dated a

claims investigator for a month.

He used to make us all call him Uncle Raymond.

It was weird.

Eh, at least he taught me a thing or two about working

a crime scene.

Well, I know a crow bar's handiwork when I see it.

What do you think happened?

They probably---

Oh, my! I'm so clumsy.

It's not your fault, just don't stand so close to people.

Give me a moment, won't you?

Don't worry!

I've got everything under control!

Alright, let's dramatize.

So, they break in...

Sorry, it's laundry day. And this is the only--

I can explain.

Get out.

Way to go, Dan.

Mr. Mumbles! Your favorite show!

And that's when I realized another C-A-T had gone M-I-A.

CATBURGLAR!!!

My first move was to call the coppers.

Sure they're worthless, but so are pennies.

Doesn't mean I don't keep 'em in my back pocket.

Can you tell me this Mr. Mumbles'

last known whereabouts?

She was here. Eating lunch.

Wait, I thought Mr. Mumbles was some old guy.

Why would I care about some old guy?

She's my cat.

Look buddy, I've got six murders on my desk

I haven't even gotten to. And one of them's my brother.

Good luck with your little kitty problem.

A crime epidemic is sweeping the neighborhood!

If you don't believe me, go ask the lovely young woman

down the street who also lost her cat.

Wait a minute. How lovely?

This was a swinging bachelorette pad! I swear!

I knew I was wasting my time.

See, this is why we don't trust people.

No one just disappears like that.

Either Honey's involved or she's in a lot of danger.

We need to do our own police work.

I'll get the doughnuts.

Man, this show is weird.

I don't THINK Mr. Mumbles has any enemies.

I mean, that aren't mice.

Dan, do you wear eye shadow?

Who wants to know?

Have you ever used this wastebasket?

Definitely not.

Are you going somewhere with this?

I think I found a clue.

We were high tailing it to the mall to check out the

eye shadow lead, when we hit our first road-block.

Hey, what's going on here?

A marathon?

What kind of idiot runs 26.2 miles for no reason?

Hey, there's Elise!

That's right, she's running today.

Do you guys have ANYTHING in common?

There's my little workout warrior!

Chris! Hi! Did you come to watch me win?

Uh--

Elise! I need a woman's brain.

Have you tried the morgue?

There's no time for sass.

Now!! All you women know each other, right?

I'm looking for Honey O'Houlihan.

She wears eye shadow.

Wow, I actually do know this eye shadow.

It was called "Oyster Belly Blue."

What do you mean "was?"

They discontinued it in the 50's

but there is one salon where you can still get it.

This is definitely the place.

Now what do we do?

WE don't do anything.

In this salad I'm the oil and you're the vinegar.

And the oil does the talking.

Why are you talking like that?

This is how tough guys talk, Chris.

Now follow my lead!

Uh-huh, uh-huh. OK!!

Uh, We'll get that to you right away.

I need your help.

Ooh. We sell makeup, not miracles.

Don't get smart with me, wiseguy.

We both know you're selling illegal eyeshadow here.

And if you don't tell me where Honey O'Houlihan is--

Uh, Dan...

Can it, Chris.

I'm about to treat Hwan to a knuckle sandwich.

With relish.

Oh, you want Hwan. One moment...

HWAN!

Wait, what?

Hwan, this guy wants to kick your butt.

And don't go to the police,

unless you hate your knees for some reason.

Dan?

WHAT IS IT?!

She's staying at the Roosevelt.

She was staying at the Roosevelt,

which meant she had more dough than a chinese bakery.

There it is!

Good, but we still don't know what room she's in.

I need these. National Bird Watching Agency!

She's not in danger at all! Which means...

...18...19...20!

Maybe we should let the police handle--

Or your way.

Where. Is. My. Cat?!!

After I kicked down the door,

I demanded to know where my better half was.

But, like Uncle Raymond always said,

"not every question has an answer."

He wasn't a very good claims investigator.

Oh Dan, I was so frightened.

The second you left, I got a call.

A man named "Frankie the Poacher"

and he was watching me.

He said he saw me get your help.

And if I got any more of it, he'd kill me.

So I packed my things and left.

I'm sorry, I just didn't know what else to do.

(honey crying)

Frankie the Poacher? Really?

He's the most notorious rare pet dealer in the country.

Also, the most corrupt.

The plot thickens.

Oh Dan, we should just drop this.

We can get new cats, maybe even pick them out together?

New cats?

I don't know about you,

but that's my best friend you're talking about.

Take us to Frankie!

It doesn't add up.

What does a rare pet dealer want with poor Mr. Mumbles?

Well, I would guess to sell her.

I mean, White-Tailed Himalayan Switchbacks

are worth a lot of money.

White-tailed hima-what?

Himalayan Switchbacks.

Didn't you know?

Mr. Mumbles is a very rare and expensive breed of cat.

Wow. I always knew she was special.

I just assumed it was 'cause she can read.

That's them!

How do people become henchmen?

I mean do you have to be born into it, or can anyone apply?

Follow him.

Let's see where this squirrel hides his nuts.

While the case of the stolen cat was wrapping up nicely,

another mystery had cropped up. The case of the stolen heart.

Lactose intolerant?

Really? I'm gluten sensitive!

That's amazing!

There are so many foods we both can't eat.

What kind of movies do you like?

Well, depending on my mood--

Shut up! You were saying?

Chris, let's go investigate.

Investigate what? It's a gas station.

Is it?

Or is it the entrance to a secret underground cat prison?

Let's go, before they find us.

Please, did you see those goons?

They couldn't find a monkey at a banana convention.

That's funny.

The last banana convention I was at was filthy with monkeys.

Tell 'em what we do to guys who follow our boss.

Shoot. I know this one.

(slap)

We teach them a lesson!

Right. Lesson.

Let's start with a crash course in anatomy.

(phone ringing) Hello? Chris?

I told you not to eat pizza you found on the bus.

What happened to you two?

Just making new friends.

Well, well, well. If it isn't my two favorite punching bags.

Punch this!

That was just practice for your spines.

Did you just kill him?

...I like that in a woman.

He's not dead, Dan.

These pearls are filled with a powerful sedative.

A weak, single dame like me needs SOME

way to protect herself, right?

You're right, dollface. You're weak.

Which is why you're waiting out here,

while Chris and I go in and rescue our cats.

Maybe I should stay out here and protect her.

No way. You're my human shield.

Oh, Dan, you're so brave.

I know baby.

Now tell me, what's your Poopsie look like?

Dan, did you really have to steal his trench coat?

Honey said it makes me look dashing.

Bingo.

What's that awful smell?

Ugh! Phew. Ugh.

I Guess we know where Poopsie gets her name.

Poopsie, there you are!

Any sign of Mr. Mumbles?

(alarm sounds)

What did you do?

Get out of here.

I'll make sure they can't follow you.

Dan, what are you saying?!

At least one of us will get to grow old with our cat.

Dan, no, you can't do this!

We can't keep running.

Not forever.

Oh, Dan.

WELL, Thanks for asking what I wanted to do.

I see you boys learned nothing from our first lecture.

Alright, let's get this over with.

Frankie's goons may have bruised our mugs,

but they couldn't break our spirits.

That's not how brass knuckles work.

I think they broke my spirit.

(frankie the poacher o.s.) Well, well, well, if it isn't

Honey's little worker bees.

Do your worst, my lips are sealed.

Not mine!

If you let me go, I'll tell you anything!

Too bad there's nothing I wanna hear.

She's at the Roosevelt. Room 320.

Leave her alone! It's just a cat!

Just a cat?

Oh, brother, you're thicker than you look.

Poopsie's worth a cool million.

What?

You, however, are only worth your weight in meat.

This is my friend, Mittens.

Mittens, this is dinner.

Enjoy getting acquainted.

Wait! Where's Mr. Mumbles?

Don't move!

He can't see us if we don't move!

Well, I've been wrong before.

(phone ringing)

Hey Elise, it's me. Dan and I are in a bit of a jam.

Since this might be my last chance to say this,

I want you to know I have always loved pirates.

Please make that the theme of my funeral.

Love you, bye.

What is it with you and cats?

Let's go!

We gotta find them before they find her.

Why can't we just call Honey and warn her instead?

Because... I forgot to get her number.

Hey Boss, looks like Mittens might still be hungry.

Take care of it.

Wish me luck!

So the bee's got himself a little stinger.

Do you think you can handle it from here?

I have to leave right now if I'm gonna catch Elise

winning the marathon.

Go on.

I just have one more thing to take care of.

You crashed into the vending machine...

I loved that vending machine.

Hey Frankie, Where's Mr. Mumbles?

Who?

Don't play dumb.

I seriously have no idea what you're talking about.

She's my cat.

You know,

the White Tailed Himalayan Switchback you stole from me.

Buddy, a White Tailed Himalyan switchback isn't a type of cat.

It's a type of rocking chair. Man you're thick.

After that, I came home and made this tape.

Because if Frankie the Poacher didn't swipe you,

I know who did.

So, in case I don't come out of this thing in one piece,

I just want to say goodbye. Rent is due on the first.

Love, Dan.

Hi, Honey. I'm home.

Your plan worked like a charm.

You're the proud owner of a million dollar's worth of

hairballs and Frankie's locked up for life

unless the vending machine pulls through.

Just give me Mr. Mumbles and you'll never see me again.

Of course.

But just so you know, I do want to see you again.

Yes, Dan, I used to steal the occasional rare cat

and hock it on the black market.

And sure, I forced you to spill juice on me so I could

climb out my bathroom window and take Mr. Mumbles

to guarantee you'd steal my Poopsie for me.

But I swear, I swear, she's my last score.

See? Because something happened to me recently.

Something that made me realize I don't need the

constant adrenaline rush that comes with a life of crime.

That "something" was you.

You really mean that?

l

Your move, sugarpie.

Taxi!

(vfx ah!) BAM!

Elise, are you OK?

Just like last year...

It's sad, she was the one that got away.

Then she was the one that got trampled.

Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't find your soulmate, Dan.

It's alright. At least somebody did...