Original subtitles

Oooh! Free! The best things in life are free!

Aw, come on! What's in the box?! What's in the box?!

Oww!

Eye patch? This could come in handy.

Hey! What gives?

Gnarly spot, bra.

Thanks bra! Beach!

BEEEEAAAAACH!

BEEEEAAAAAACH!!

Hey! The one upside to living on this awful street is that no

one wants to park here! Find somewhere else!

Chillax, bra.

This is the closest spot to the beach we could find.

What?! We must be ten miles from the ocean!

Beaaaaach!

BEEEEAAAAAACH!!!

So, this is what the lowest common denominator

looks like...

Why....Yuck!

Who let these children off their leashes?

Wha!!

What kind of idiot just lays down in a public place?

Chris?!

Dan?

Oh no! Someone stole your pants!

It's a swimsuit. Elise bought it.

Well I'm sure it looks better on her.

Hi Dan.

Ah! She's here too?!

I guess my invitation to this little

get-together got lost in the mail.

I thought we both agreed that "beach day"

was going to be a two person activity.

Yet somehow, we find myself here.

And why do we find himself here?

I didn't invite him... self... here?

I'm here on a mission to get back at the beach!

And if you meant to hurt me,

congratulations.

I have decided to accept your apology.

Chris, let's go.

I'm, uh, going to hang out here with Elise.

Fine. As always, it falls to me.

I really don't understand your problem with the beach, Dan.

Everyone loves the beach. It's nice, sunny, relaxing -

have you ever relaxed?

Once. It made me very stressed.

Dan, why don't you just sit down and join us?

UH..FINE.

See Not so bad, right?

I guess, kind of... Actually, it's sort of peaceful.

See, I told you. Not everything has to be a battle.

You know, Maybe I got a little carried away.

The beach isn't SO bad.

Ow!!

Woo..Are you alright?

You set me up!

Guys!

I know places they will never find your bodies.

Take it somewhere else.

Great. Let's go.

But I thought we were going to build a sand castle.

I thought we were going to have a baby.

Okay, let's go.

So, I'm just saying, dark colors naturally attract more heat.

You might want to think about getting

a white shirt for the summer.

You! Stop running so fast!

You! Run faster!

You! Enjoy the beach more!

I will not! Close this place down,

and we'll be out of your ridiculous,

sun-bleached hair.

Close down the beach?

No way!

Sunshine, fresh air, beautiful-

Hell--o! Either of you ladies need mouth to mouth?

I'm certified.

Yep. This is the best job I've ever had.

Okay. I see what's going on.

You think you're the king around here.

Kings don't think, they know.

Chris, climb up there and dethrone this dictator.

We'll see who's king of this beach!

Can't we just go build a sandcastle?

Ah!

Sunscreen! In my eyes!!

You'll never dethrone me.

This lifeguard job is mine, mine I say!

And if anyone--

Hell--o!

Yep. Best job ever.

When I met Elise, she was dating a lifeguard but

he died in a freak accident.

There were freaks everywhere.

Lifeguards deserve what they get.

Dan!

Fine. I'm sorry your wife lost a handsome and powerful paramour.

DAN!

Hey, bra, ball?

Maybe this will teach you to come to the beach!

Bra, so not gnarly.

Whooa-aah! Pshhheh! Pheh!

There's sand everywhere. It's so obnoxious.

There's sand everywhere. It's so obnoxious!

And carry the two... by george I've done it!

I'm returning your shovel.

...But I'm taking your bucket.

Dan, is this really necessary?

If you know a better way to make everyone hate the beach,

I'm all ears.

I just don't think people are as bothered by sand as you think.

They are at the beach.

Oh yeah? We'll see about that.

Curses!

Fine. If the beach wants to play rough, we'll play rough.

Come with me.

I can't leave Elise here. Not with that lifeguard around.

It'll take one minute!

That's not nearly enough time for them to realize

how perfect they are for each other.

Alright. I just need to grab my wallet.

And your pants.

There are children watching.

Hey you, can you put some more lotion on my back?

Yeah, sure...

Are you coming?!?

We'll be back in one minute!

I'll do it in a minute, honey. Be right back!

You're sure this'll just take a minute?

I've never been more sure of anything.

You said one minute!

Relax! Isn't the whole point of a "beach day" to take it easy?

Here, take this next exit.

City of Industry? What's in City of Industry?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Except for the Aquarium!

Why is it so crowded?

Isn't there an express line for people who just want to

borrow a shark?

I seriously doubt- wait, shark? Borrow?

We're gonna clear the beach with

your run-of-the-mill shark attack.

It's illegal to steal from the aquarium.

Hey, they stole the shark from nature.

If anything, we're unstealing it.

By the way, how are you with a tranq gun?

Oh no!

Chris! Make yourself look big!

AHHH!

Ahhh....You stupid... idiot...

Wow... this water is so wet...

AHHHH!!

Well, that was un-pleasent!

Uh-oh. Looks like someone could use more tranquilizer.

That should calm him down.

Whoa whoa whoa.

I'm OK setting a shark free,

but I'm not going to steal someone's boat.

Stealing? From who? This is my boat!

You never told me you had a boat.

Oh, so we're telling each other everything, now?

Awww... that's adorable.

Do you think we should name him "Chompy"...

or does he look more like a "Greg?"

Chompy it is.

Drop anchor.

Chompy, you're a noble and heroic creature.

Go! Eat the children!

Wha...? But...

Are you seeing this?

You mean Elise, right?

What? No! No! Chompy's going the wrong way.

Gasp!

He's coming right for us!

Well that could have been a lot worse.

YOINK!

The key to a good sand castle is good sand.

Seriously? That's your A game?

AHHHHH!!!

AHHHHH!!!

Bad, Chompy! Bad shark!

Help! Help! Hel--gggggllll.

It looks like we might be out here a while.

Try to conserve your energy.

Come... on...

Well, at least we died for a good cause...

Here I come Grandma... Ya jerk.

Dan. Look!

Ugh! It's like a million little problems.

Where are we?

I don't know. But it looks like a giant beach,

which concerns me.

Boy, I'm hungry.

Are you braindead? Those are probably poisonous.

Wow. You might've just saved my life back ther--Ack!

You're welcome. Again.

Uh... Dan?

Whoops.....Ah just a second.

Uh, Dan...?

Now hold tight!

Got it!

Daaaaaaaan!

Wow! Good hang time.

I want to go home.

Of course you do. This beach is one giant death trap.

I'm so hungry. I think we're in real trouble, here.

What are we gonna do?

We... are gonna hunt. Take off your pants.

Why do I have to be in my swimsuit?

Surface area!

The more surface area of meaty flesh,

the more attractive you are to predators.

I guess that makes sense.

Of course it does. Now stand still and look more delicious.

Did you hear that?

Awww... it's just a penguin.

Alright. Don't move. I'm gonna end it.

What?

No! I don't want to eat a cute little penguin!

It's us or him!

Ahhh! Evil penguins!

Run! I'll cover you.

Eat stick, penguins!

Ahhh!

Friendly fire!

Aaaah!

Ow! Tropical penguins where did they get teeth.

Wanna help me write a big S.O.S. in seashells?

Oh Please, nobody's coming. Our only chance is to sit

tight and wait for missionaries.

I think missionaries stick to populated areas.

Then my worst nightmare has come true.

We're beach people now.

Oh The wicked sting of irony...

I miss Elise.

Oh, she'll move on.

Didn't you say she had a thing for lifeguards?

All I wanted to do was build a sand castle.

Good news!

You get to build the biggest sand castle ever.

Cause we're going to have to live in it.

Meanwhile... I am going to create fire!

So, I've given up on the fire.

How's our new beach-front villa?

And... finished.

Awww... I thought third time was supposed to be a charm.

We have no food, no shelter, no fire.

I hate to say it,

but it looks like cannibalism is our only option.

Who are we gonna eat?

There's just the two of us.

Well, I'm not gonna eat me.

Well, you're not gonna eat me either!

Come on, you're the meatiest.

Ow!

Shh. I'm tenderizing you.

Chris...

I'll eat you first!

Chris!

What is it?

Look.

And you were gonna eat me... savage.

There, good as new.

Why did we have to use my clothes?

They're bigger. Looks like we're gonna make it back alive.

The beach better be ready for round two.

Round two?! Haven't we been through enough?

So, do you have a husband?

Not anymore.

Let's go on a date.

Snap out of it, Chris.

Where?

I said, "snap out of it, Chris!"

The boat is sinking! Again!

See? This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans.

We have zero standards for safety.

I can't die now.

I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.

I don't think you have a choice. But hey,

on the bright side, I hear drowning's

a very peaceful way to go.

Apparently there's a soundtrack.

A boat! Over here! Help!

We're saved!

Missionaries! I knew it!

Hello, Friend-Ship! How's everybody doing today?

Roughly five minutes from now, the world's largest trash barge

is gonna try to dump sixty tons of radioactive waste

into our beautiful ocean. What a bummer, man!

Why aren't you eating? This goo is delicious.

I can't eat.

We're surrounded by hippies.

Tree-hugging, corporation - killing, peace mongers.

Are any of those bad things?

When that barge shows up, we're going to sneak aboard,

get to the bridge, and swipe the ignition key, man.

Then they'll have to talk to us.

So, how about a volunteer?

I know it sounds dangerous. I know it's gonna be tough,

man, but one of us has the chance to be a hero.

Thunderbird?

Aw, I can't today. My aura's way off.

Aww my bad man, I didn't know.

Well, I guess I'll have to step up...

and lead a discussion circle.

I'll get the drums.

I volunteer Chris.

What?!

I've got a beach to destroy!

But this whole thing seems really dangerous.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted to pry

your wife from a lifeguard's muscular embrace.

I'll do it!

You're sure this'll work?

Of course, man.

Hey.

Hey.

Afternoon.

What'd you say?

Never heard no barge worker say "afternoon" before.

Uh, it's my first day.

Really? You replacing Phil?

Come on, no one can really replace Phil.

Nicely done, old friend. Nicely done.

So the bridge isn't an actual bridge. Huh.

Stop right there, you free-loving do-gooder.

One more step and I dump sixty tons of

radioactive trash in your "precious" ocean.

Weren't you going to do that anyway?

Looks like I just "took out the trash."

You came here to help me! You do care!

Ow! You can't fool me, that felt like a love pinch.

Ow! Oh now, that felt like a mean pinch.

Yeah, man! He did it!

Where are they going?

Chris, there comes a time in every man's life

when he has to destroy a beach.

For me, that time is now.

I knew this would come in handy.

Arrgh.

Aw, man!

We've been sabotaged. People we gotta stop them!

Anybody got any ideas?

Discussion circle?

I'll get the drums.

Dan! Slow down! You'll crash.

Oh Yes. Yes, I will.

A castle fit for a king.

The beach... is... closed...

Oh, Elise, I am so sorry,

it's just that, you know, we got the shark and then there

was this island with killer penguins and I haven't even

told you about the hippies yet; I promise I'll never,

ever help Dan again with anything if you promise not

to leave me for a lifeguard.

What did you say, honey? I must have fallen asleep.

You did? I mean, yes you did.

I was right here watching you sleep.

Hey, you remembered to lotion my back, right?

Right...

In other news, radioactive trash was spilled on Venice

Beach today, completely destroying it. However, in a

surprisingly optimistic turn,

clean up efforts are already underway

What? Why?

It couldn't be...

No!!! Hippies!