Original subtitles

Why did that funeral have to take so long?

I'm gonna miss my show!

That's right, it's baseball fever here in Los Angeles!

Good luck finding parking anywhere near the stadium...

This is an outrage!

How does this place get messier when I'm not even here?

Oh, well. I've got my sam'mich, my favorite TV show.

I'll be able to wait out this baseball numbskullery.

We are thrilled to preempt the season finale of

"The Adventures of Population Control Johnny"-

But we were going to find out who stole his extra bullets!

to bring you... baseball!

No! No! The one thing I look forward to at the end

of a miserable, no-good day are my stories!

Don't take that away from me, please!

It's hit long. It's going, going... Home run!

It's out of the stadium...

Anything but this!

...and off of a billboard and onto the street just

outside of the stadium, which actually happens to be the most

repugnant neighborhood in the city...

That's my neighborhood!

It appears to be bouncing toward that incredibly dingy

apartment building.

That's my apartment building!

Oh, no, my car!

I got it!

Looks like someone's going home with a nice little souvenir.

Get away from my car, you mouth-breathers!

Thanks.

BASEBALL!!!

Baseball is a contemptible sport.

It's not contemptible.

It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time!

And it broke the side mirror on my car.

How, exactly?

It preempted my stories.

I meant the mirror thing.

Don't get bogged down with minutia!

Drive me to Washington.

I'm going to yell at the President of Baseball.

He's called a Commissioner.

Oh, "commissioner." La-dee-da.

I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise

to never preempt my show again.

How do you plan to do that?

Step One, you drive me to Washington.

Step Two, shut up.

Okay, I'll go.

I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable-

wait, did you say okay?

Yeah. Do you think we could try and get into the World Series?

The last game's being played there in three days.

Wait, you like baseball?

I really do. Plus, I'm on my own this weekend.

Elise is-

Irrelevant!

We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands,

then you have to break his legs, okay?

Uh, no.

Fine. One leg.

Come and pick me up.

Man I hate baseball!

You can't hate baseball. It's our national pastime.

Maybe eighty years ago.

Have you ever actually seen a baseball game?

All the way through?

Of course not! It's tedious. It's like team golf.

I'll admit it's a little slow on television,

but actually at the park? It is magical.

They say the same thing about childbirth.

But buddy, that ain't magic.

Uhh... I'm going to call Elise.

Oh yeah, where is she again?

Overseas, at a consumer electronics convention.

It should be just about lunchtime there now.

Hey, you.

How's the convention going?

Oh, fine. It's - it's - hang oln.

What was that?

There's a video game demo happening right next to me.

Oh! Sounds cool.

Um yeah. Hey, can I call you back?

I'm a little busy at the moment.

Yeah, sure. Love you.

Love you.

I...love you?

Back off Pal!

I'm here to see the Commissioner.

Nobody gets in without an appointment.

Wait a minute, didn't you play shortstop for Baltimore?

You were amazing!

Ex-wife got the ball contract in the divorce.

She batted .300 last season.

You still can't see the Commissioner.

But I have grievances!

Plus, my friend Chris here is going to break his legs.

Uh, no I'm not.

Oh, come on!

We talked about this!

We did. I said I wouldn't do it.

It's a Federal Offense to threaten the Commissioner of

Baseball.

Who's threatening?

We're talking about full on kidnapping here.

We have a situation here...

Two suspects are attempting to kidnap the Commissioner.

We were only joking.

Tell them you were joking.

I never joke about kidnapping.

Dan! We've got to go!

Ack! Don't use my name!

But you just used mine like two seconds ago.

Well, from now on, your new name is Monkeyface McGee.

Let's go, Monkeyface.

Now do you hate baseball?

No, but I hate you a little bit.

Ow! Hey!

All I wanted was to see the Commissioner.

Read my demands...

Maybe cause him some bodily harm...

What do we do now?

How about going to the game? It starts in a couple of hours.

Go to a baseball game?

Have you completely lost sight of what we're doing here?

The Commissioner will be there.

Wait, I just had an idea.

We should go to the baseball game.

The commissioner will be there.

But I just-

Up bup bup.

The game's sold out, of course, so...

You guys want tickets?

A thousand bucks each.

A thousand dollars?

Pay the man, Monkeyface.

That was pretty much my life's savings,

but it's worth it to be here at the World Series.

Look, batting practice!

What's sad is this is more interesting than the game.

Where are our seats?

Uh, those guys are sitting in them.

I did not pay good money to have

a couple of slack-jawed yokels gank our seats!

You didn't pay anything.

Hey! Yokels! Out of our seats!

These are our seats. See?

Hey, look! They're in our seats!

We got tickets, pal!

Hey, I've got tickets for those seats, too!

Me too!

Everyone just calm down. Now look, all of your tickets are

obviously counterfeit.

Ours are the real ones.

So, if you would just kindly move.

Hey!! Get off me!

Move it!

Chris, quick! Grab a bat and help me!

Oh, no.

Uh oh, folks. There appears to be a minor riot here

at the stadium...

- Well, that plan didn't work. - We didn't see the commissioner

and you're out two grand. Nice.

How can you stand to be teargassed?

My eyes are watering, just sitting next to you.

I've been teargassed so many times

I don't even notice any more.

Well, I notice. Could you back off, please?

I can barely eat, sitting next to you.

The brazen attempted kidnapping of the Baseball

Commissioner has been foiled by the combined efforts of

several Federal agencies...

These two suspects are still at large, and are considered

armed and dangerous...

Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!

Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the

police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

One is described as "big and goony looking,"

and goes by the alias "Monkeyface."

"Goony-looking"?

Now who's sensitive?

Well it's just so insulting...

We need to get back into the stadium so I can make

baseball buy me a new mirror and stop preempting my show.

How would we even get back in?

Hey, I just came up with the plan.

Now it's your job to come up with the logistics.

Okay, you know what I-I don't want to keep harping on this,

but you really need to take a shower.

I'm feeling like I got maced.

Teargassed. Mace is tangier.

Could you back up, please?

As soon as I hear a plan.

All right, all right! I'll call Elise. Maybe she has an idea.

Hey, Ah this isn't really a good time.

I won't keep you.

I just want to get some advice on something.

Okay.

How would you sneak into a place that has a lot of security?

Excuse me, where's your access badge?!

Funny you should ask that.

Why do you say that?

Never mind.

In general, I find it helps to dress as someone who belongs,

then talk my way in using whatever intelligence

I have at my disposal.

Okay, but...

Hey, I should really get going.

There's a presentation on proprietary data bases that

I can not miss.

Oh. Okay. Well have fun.

Hey, can we catch up a little later?

Sounds good. I'll call you when I get a chance.

I feel bad for Elise. Her job sounds so boring.

Well?

She says dress as someone who belongs there.

[SNAPS HIS FINGERS}

Batboys!

What's with the outfit? You look ridiculous.

I'm a batboy! What are you supposed to be?

I'm THE Bat Boy!

I need to see your passes.

I need no pass. I'm Bat Boy!

He's... the new... mascot! Yes! Mascot.

He's the... Baseball Bat. You haven't heard of him?

No.

That suit actually has weapons!?

Kind of. I tried to throw a smoke bomb, but it caught

in my sleeve and went off. Now it feels like my arm's on fire.

Uh, Dan? Your arm is on fire.

Ah! Ah!

Dan! Stop, drop, and roll!

Never!

Ow, that burns!

Uh, oh. Looks like we got ourselves another streaker.

Hey, he should really do some situps.

I can't believe I'm actually on the field at the World Series!

You're the new guy?

Aren't you a little old for a batboy?

I have a condition, sir.

This is awesome!

Did you see anyone run through here?

Uh... Yeah... A while ago.

Sir, you need to get out on the field. I'll escort you.

Where do I stand?

Awe!!

Ball!

Ah Come on, ump! That was a strike!

So, you like baseball?

Never talk to me.

Wow! Dan?

Foul ball!

What are you talking about? He didn't even swing!

Are you arguing with me?

Arguing? How can it be a foul ball?

Do you even know the rules of baseball?

How dare you yell at me you cretin!

I'm going to have your pitching license revoked!

Pitching license?! What are you talking about?

Oh, Is that so!!

That's the most ridiculous call I've ever seen! You aren't qualified to be an umpire!

You're off your rocker! You should turn in your mask!

You're the one who's ridiculous! Nobody taught me!

Can you imagine how that feels!?

That's it! I'm out of here!

That's odd. I've seen players thrown out of games before,

but never have I seen an umpire eject himself.

At least not in the post season.

Here goes nothing. Steady hands.

Hey, guess where I am right now?

I can't really talk.

Even for a minute?

I don't really have a minute.

Oh. Okay.

Well, It's just, we haven't gotten the chance to talk

for a couple of days, and I miss you.

All right, where are you?

I'm on the field at the World Series.

What?!

I know, right? It's incredible.

I got spat on by actual baseball players!

That's great.

How are you?

Hey, which color do you prefer? Orange or green?

Well, they both have their merits...

Orange or green?

Are you thinking of painting our living room?

Orange or green?

Orange.

Oh

Actually, green.

Twenty dollars for a hot dog?

How can you sleep at night charging those prices?

I sleep on a big pile of money.

But I can't sell you a hotdog right now.

I have to go up to the Skybox.

The Commissioner himself wants a hotdog.

I wasn't going to buy one anyway, you -

Did you say the Commissioner?

Your hot dogs are here, commissioner.

I'll go get your mulled wine.

What took you so long?

I had to knock the real guy out and change into his clothes.

It takes time.

BUNS!

Mace!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhh!

Monkeyface. Attention Monkeyface.

Meet me in the arkinglot-pay.

Oh - awww! Did you get teargassed again?

Maced.

And you stole hotdogs. Did they get maced?

Actually, doesn't matter. Can I have one?

Not yet. Help me push this cart to our car.

Wait, what is this? Where are the hotdogs?

Help!

This, my friend, is a bargaining chip. Get the duct tape.

Let go!

You be quiet! Monkeyface, tape his arms.

Please stop calling me that.

Nope.

So sorry about this.

What do you want from me?

I want my mirror!

What are you talk-mmph!

Wait, so we are kidnappers?

Now.

I am very disappointed in us.

Me too, buddy.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Relax, we're fine. I'll turn on the radio so you

can't hear the muffled thumps, okay?

A massive, multi-state manhunt is underway for the kidnappers

of the Commissioner of baseball...

See? That's better.

Oh, man.

We should give him some water or something.

He's been on the floor in the back seat for two days.

Softie.

Man, this place is filthy. I prefer the car.

You'd better watch your mouth, or things could get nasty,

you callous, mirror-breaking troglodyte.

Troglodyte? Mirror-breaking?

Yes. You broke my side mirror. And we're not letting you go

until baseball buys me a new one.

That's all you want?

Take my wallet and buy yourself a new mirror.

Don't mind if I do.

See, Chris? We're halfway there.

Go get me a new mirror. And then get back here.

We need to build an elaborate deathtrap to put him in.

Deathtrap?

Gulp!! Shouldn't we feed him something?

I don't know what baseball commissioners eat.

Wait, deathtrap?

Boy, I bet your neighbors hate you.

They really do.

That's fine, I hate them.

Let's see if this works.

Listen, you two. It's time to let me go.

I bought you a new mirror.

Don't make me gag you again.

Perfect! It holds.

I'm going to call the Baseball Council and

let them know we have their ringleader hanging upside-down.

Hanging upside down isn't much of a deathtrap.

It's your fault! You didn't get me the spinning blades.

Or the alligators.

I got you sharks.

I've been telling you, you're going to be on the phone.

They won't see anything anyway.

You can tell them whatever you want.

Yeah, but it's high time I had a deathtrap.

Ow! Help! Help!

That's it, you're getting gagged.

Give me your phone. I'm going to make the ransom call.

You're not using my phone. They can trace those things!

Yeah, to you.

Why don't you use my phone?

I'll even give you the number to call.

Hello?

Hello, ruling body of Baseball.

By now you realize who this is.

I sure hope not.

I don't mean who we are, Chris, I mean just that we're

the guys that kidnapped the Commissioner!

I was an unwitting accomplice.

You're the criminal here, Dan. I'm just helping.

Which makes you a criminal.

You make me a criminal!

So we're criminals!

Now, where was I?

You want them to-

I know, I know dunderhead! Be quiet!

Now, if you don't stop preempting my show---

What show was preempted?

The Adventures of Population Control Johnny.

What? I love that show. I would never preempt it.

I watched it before the game.

You lie!

It's probably the time difference thing.

Tell you what. You let me go, I'll make sure the show

is never preempted again.

How do I know I can trust you?

What was the season finale of the show about?

Who stole Johnny's extra bullets. It was---

Whoa whoa whoa - don't tell me!

Ya know, this is kind of sad.

I've really grown attached to the little guy.

Me too, buddy. But it's the right thing to do.

And if you don't do the right thing...

I will. I promise. Thank you for letting me go.

Wait! Could you untie me? And, uh - where am I?

Hey, I brought you something from the consumer electronics

convention.

Wow, what is it?

Paperweight. It's completely harmless.

Oh. Why wouldn't it be?

Ah..We've been through a lot together, television,

old friend... But it's worth it.

And now, we're happy to preempt your regularly

scheduled programming to bring you... Basketball!

Oh, come on!!