Original subtitles

It's all about starting at the beginning.

That's not how I remember it.

It's all a series.

Fragments.

Repetitions.

Pattern formations.

When there are no words for the pain,

let your imagination change

what you know of land.

The movement of land and the freedom of water.

A ring around a rock is like the smoke.

Susan and Lucy shale, of course. It's rational.

Red Rock is her blood.

You believe in blue?

So you better come up with one you can live with.

I'll be safe.

Claudia, go upstairs.

Go!

Move!

Just let me know when you're finished.

I can do this all night.

I think you'll feel nice, Claudia.

I really think you will.

Fix you right up.

Fix you right up.

Sing with me, Belle.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Come on, little bell, sing with me.

You know the lyrics.

It

was my

voice who left.

Sometimes I think it arrived on paper.

I wrote pictures.

Lies, interchangeably.

Made me feel like someone else.

I wrote words to go on to. That is your daughter.

No, my daughter.

To safety.

To girls.

My head hurt. My mother.

Her hair.

Her skull.

Stories.

I won a prize for that story, Bill. And your daddy

won an art prize.

It was gone.

How gone?

She was.

My sister. My adoration.

My sister.

My heart.

You look like a bone in that delpy sack shirt. It does nothing for you.

Look at me.

You trying to look like a man?

My sister.

Taking everything.

before you were even born.

In the house.

Alone in the room.

My arms ache.

My sister is gone.

My mother is gone.

My father designed houses in the room next to mine.

I wait for 5 a .m.

I pray to swim.

In high school?

I can't believe it. All right.

Line up. Ladies, weigh in. You know the drill. One lick for every pound you're

over. Taurus.

That's right.

There you go.

Primer. Three pounds.

One for you, freshman.

So we'll make it count.

What else does it take to swim?

So you really want this, huh?

You only gotta - Three -quarter ride.

Hey, if they wanted you, they would have offered a whole nine yards, huh?

We are delighted to offer a...

Partial scholarship.

Half.

You're better than that.

Last one.

In my head, I swam last.

Didn't even get one Fulbright.

Hey, don't blame me.

If they don't want you, then you don't belong.

I could taste blood.

The answer is no.

Why?

Because he could.

And I'm with him.

Hey.

Look at me.

They only want the best for you.

You know that.

I knew he could feel it.

That pink muscle.

Pushing.

Pushing.

You should all be out there warming up.

Do you need a hand?

I'm a coach from Texas Tech.

How did you meet me?

A club.

I'd like to have you on our team.

Almost loved her.

There's a gold bell.

Fucking disgusting idiot!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

My bedroom holds the wet and the dark in my body.

It smells like my sweat and chlorine.

Can't sleep, huh?

I want to talk to you.

Listen, I'm sorry I've been so hard on you lately.

I guess I just really worry about you out there.

Things are going to be different when you go to college.

And I want you to listen to me.

He narrated what boys would do to me.

How they put their dirty hands up my skirt and finger. Fuck me.

Fondle my tits.

Suck them.

How disgusting boys would be.

Their hand.

Their hips wanting in and up.

And their dicks.

And his.

Me sitting next to him.

Feeling the heat of him without even looking.

What are you doing out here?

What's the matter with you, huh?

I want you to call back on me.

I love you.

Motherfucker.

Get the fuck...

All I thought was

my own wide -open cunt.

As open as a mouth.

Screaming. Mother! Mother! Mother!

girl body could do that.

Mine. Mine.

It had to.

I love your hands.

I love your voice.

It's my father and my brother who have their real voices.

I always hear them in my head.

Really?

What are they saying?

They're saying an amazing grace.

of God.

Fuck me.

Yeah.

No. Really.

Fuck me.

Poor Philip.

I wish I could go back and apologize.

It's been gone.

And I know the peace will come.

Fuck all y 'all!

Eat me!

I've been searching for the dolphins.

It's just a regular James Taylor singing his heart out here in Texas.

And sometimes I wonder Do you ever

think of me?

This world may never change

The way it's been going

And I know the peace will come

Lydia, how'd you always do that?

That's funny.

Come on.

It's funny.

It's such a pussy.

Come on.

Learn how to take a joke. You're so fucking sensitive.

This is probably... one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen.

This is what I'm talking about.

It's like, it's like talking to a fucking doorknob. Why don't you say

You say anything. I'm being a fucking bitch. So why don't you do something

it?

You're not a bitch.

Fuck you, fella!

You don't even fucking know me, though.

lover of horses.

Let me get out of here.

She's good.

Take her back.

Hey, man.

Shut that door.

Just shut the goddamn door!

I haven't seen you at practice.

Yeah, I flunked out.

You can still feel my feelings.

Addiction is in me for sure.

But I want to describe something else to you.

Something smaller.

It's a smaller world.

like a travel of love stream.

Stay away This isn't anything for you

I'm not talking about anything I'm

not talking about anything

I'm

not talking about anything

40.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Lydia.

You can talk to us.

It helps.

Trust me.

I'm not talking about anything.

You know, I always like to say, find meaning in

life's traffic through clearing spiritual barriers.

I'm proud of you.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey.

Would you marry me?

When children have their dreams to hold on to

And how they fly, take

us to the moon Yes, they flow

from you

They flow from you And they flow

from you And women

have themselves to hold on to

And how they fly take

me by surprise They flow

From me they float from me

And they float me

I made tea.

I don't want any tea. What are we going to do?

Lydia, I love you.

And whatever you want to do, I'll support it.

More than nothing from the most passive man on the fucking planet.

Sorry, I've been kind of sick.

You don't want anything.

And you are. Killing me with her not wanting anything.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. It's fucking impossible.

I can't stand how nice he... I can't stand how nice he is, but... I couldn't

have killed it either.

I was thinking... Maybe there's a world in which

I... I come and...

live with you and Eugene and take some classes where you're teaching and... I

don't know, maybe we could start, like, a little... family.

Yes. Because I think my... I think my life with him is going to be like some

sad, sad fucking country song, and I... Lydia, Lydia. This is the only thing,

this is the only thing... I said yes.

Cool. Because she left me once.

To save her own life.

What are you doing back there, huh? Playing with yourselves?

What?

I bring them to the most beautiful scenery in the world and they're just

grab ass?

Look out the goddamn window!

Gloria.

Grab the hacksaw from under your mother's seat.

Come on.

Let's go.

Here you go, sweetheart.

For sustenance.

For sustenance.

You don't want it?

Come on, honey. Just have a little sip. It'll warm you up.

Well, thank God.

Where's the tree?

Welcome home.

Come on in.

I'll get that.

Why? Because I'm pregnant?

Yeah.

Do you remember when you used to make me do things?

Like... Here.

Bite this apple.

It's stuck in my mouth.

Here, smell this ashtray. Blow it.

One, two... Ash is all over my fucking face.

I would have done anything.

You were mythic to me.

I remember when I went downstairs after you moved into the basement and realized

how smart that was then.

I used to look at all of your stuff and used to touch it.

One time I found a razor blade in your purse, cut myself on it.

Made the fact that I had to pee hurt.

I, um... I know that this is a

sacrifice.

Now what?

It's just you.

You were so little.

Yeah.

Well, this is one way to Frankenstein your life.

Maybe I've been waiting for this.

Breathe.

My lips are pink.

They're pink.

Throw it as far as you can.

It's not funny.

Get it?

Sorry.

She's all over you.

You're fucking laughing.

and died between us.

Haunt me, Bill.

Goddamn, girl.

What are you, some kind of mermaid?

Yup.

You got something to say?

No way.

You deserve this.

You don't want to come with me?

This is crazy. I'm not even a grad student. I'm basically trolling the

department. You think Casey gives a rat's ass about UFO rules?

You will regret not doing this. They won't even let me enroll.

Bullshit. I already told him about you.

These... He's gonna love you.

You don't want to write a novel with Ken Kesey.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, everybody. Hey.

An idiot.

Hi, this is Lydia.

Say hi.

Hi.

Well, hello.

What do we have here?

A triple -A tootsie?

I know what happened to you.

That was a motherfucker.

Yeah. You think you can roll one?

I always hate sitting in a room full of writers.

The chair will be fine.

I want you all... I

want you all to be winners.

I want you to be warriors.

Warriors.

I'll give you the warrior test.

Shit floats.

Cream rises.

Shit floats.

Jerry Rubin.

Cream rises.

Friendly Getty.

Lord Buckley, Lenny Bruce, the greats.

I want you to be great.

Shit, somebody has got to create our culture for the next 50 years, and I

it to be you.

All right, there are only two rules.

One, do not talk the plot of our novel to anyone outside this class.

Two, I comprise 50 % of the class, so we only write together

because we will publish or perish together.

Nelson Algaron said, the job of the writer is to

pull the judge down onto the dock

The almighty feel what it's like to be down low.

It'll be all right.

Giraffes never killed anyone.

So, go.

Right now.

Write some bizarre sentences.

Hey, where are you?

You can't take quaaludes before the glass.

Now disappear into your imagination. Come on.

This will peer into your imagination.

Nobody's in the room but you and that pen.

Better.

Here you are.

This is the shit.

I wrote demon box in here.

This room here is a creative room here. It's a creative space.

Hey, Bennett.

You didn't bring any ludes with you, did you?

You know, those kind of drugs put you into your body, not into your mind.

Stick with the acid, psilocybin, San Pedro.

Something to disintegrate your ego so you can hear your inner voice.

supposed to happen.

I got rustler sneeze.

All right.

Let's get outside before the sun sets.

I want you to meet someone.

Come on.

Fuck you, God.

God got the commandments wrong. I think there's 11 commandments.

And it should be the first commandment. Have mercy.

Hey. Lord, have mercy.

Just think, if everybody had mercy for each other, where we'd be today.

You see a man in the street who needs a few dollars, give it to him. Give it to

him. Have mercy. He needs it.

He wouldn't ask for it if he didn't need it.

Mercy.

Hire me to rewrite it.

Bye.

What are you, some kind of mermaid?

Yep.

You know when Jed died, my boy?

I wanted to cease to exist.

And everybody that talked to me said something asinine.

I didn't say anything at all.

understands death anymore.

It used to be sacred.

So sacred.

Oh, shit.

No one's big enough to hold what happens to us.

No one is big enough to hold what happens to us.

You got something to say?

It's in your hands.

Everything about my father was in his hands.

It's all about coordination.

Perfectly balanced dance of shadow and light.

Before my father was my father, he was an artist.

And you're daddy.

Before my father was an artist, he was an athlete.

Before my father was my father, he was beautiful,

and she was.

Before my father was my father, he was a boy, just a boy,

whose own mother cut his tongue.

Before I hated him, I loved him.

Look up.

Now, if you don't look where you're going, you're going to crash, you hear

And get to the bottom of the hill, you just break enough to make a turn.

Okay?

Go.

Keep your eyes on the boat.

Keep going.

Keep your head up.

I think she's right down there. What?

Just shut the goddamn door.

You don't want to trap me?

Hey I'm a writer

Thank

you

We are gathered because we want to see the results. We want to witness the

results of this experiment. A collaborative novel written by

us.

Let's welcome the first of the not -so -merry -princers to the stage to present

Caverns.

Lydia, come on up.

Hello. There you go.

Thank you. We're coming.

Mr. Peasy?

Lydia's father?

What can I say? I'm a great admirer of yours.

Mike, is that right?

That's right.

I'm glad you could make it.

Lydia and I, we saw Cuckoo's Nest and sometimes A Great Notion together, and

it's just great.

Great books.

You know, Mike, Lydia here,

She can knock it out of the park.

Do you want me to sign that?

Thanks for coming, Dad.

To Mike.

Be brave.

There you go, baby.

There you go, baby.

Yep.

I've seen a lot of writers come and go.

You got the stuff.

Here.

Here. Here.

Here.

He comes to the most spiritual beach on earth.

Hold that.

You can hold it all.

You're going to hold it all, girl.

So?

So what's next?

Next. Next. What's next? Next.

Write this down in the fury.

Of course you do, honey.

Oh, boy.

Come on, let's see if I can catch it.

Ready? Yeah.

A lot riding on that going in.

It has no metaphor.

Okay. Fuck metaphors.

Okay. It's just a rock that fell.

I'm going to give the rock and I'm going to go pee.

All right.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

You got it.

That was the last time I saw him.

You can write, girl.

I'm of the opinion that he drowned.

Caddy wants to fuck.

She's insatiable.

And because her neighbor boy man has a giant pants bulge and a sound that comes

out of him instead of language, she goes over to his house and she removes all

of her clothes so he finally fucks her.

And crushes her.

He fucked her to death and she loves it.

And she laughs until she cries and an ambulance has to come. But it's too

That is the sound in the fury.

That's right.

Look, I've already read the sound in the fury.

Reworking fault nurse from college shit.

Maybe try something original.

God, I hate him.

I hate him.

What the hell does he know?

It is original.

It's a fucking pastiche.

Hey. Hey.

You want to go to the coast? I got us a room.

Hi, Hannah.

Where is she going to work on these this week? You're right. Come on. She flies

on them.

I fucking dare you.

Come on.

Anything.

Anytime.

Anywhere. Anything, anytime, anywhere. Be careful.

To feel absolutely nothing.

I'm gonna wrap some firewood.

The only thing I wouldn't do.

Is this like a... a fuck trip?

What?

I never... I never like pussy.

I wanted to stay like that.

Outside of any word.

You okay?

I love you, Lex.

I really

I'll see you later.

In water, like in books,

you can leave your life.

I remember a happy childhood.

We dive, we swim, we race.

We laugh like other people's children.

I remember first and last names.

Making song loops in my skull.

Mono.

Isn't that the kissing disease?

No. Don't be silly.

Everything's going to be okay, Bill. You'll see.

You're going to feel better.

And your dad's going to take real good care of you.

Aren't you?

We'll be all right. Okay. Mama's going to go sell some houses.

You just give it a couple of days.

It is language letting me say how four weeks

can be years.

It is the yielding expense of a white page.

Have you shown these to anyone?

No.

People always ask

me why my work is so dark.

What do you know about pain, Lydia?

I know that it matters to me.

I'm going to take care of you.

Do you understand?

Now ask me for what you want.

That's not right, Angela.

I want you

to knock it out of me.

Do it with me.

Where would you like to be with?

Angel.

Everywhere.

Take it somewhere.

Take the pain somewhere.

Mom.

I am proud of you.

I'm not trying to creep you out.

I'm trying to be precise.

At the moment my mother was whining, daddy was smelling my cunt. I've reached

best moment now, he explained.

Now I was sure what he was referring to. This is the moment of truth.

I'm going off, off, off, jacking it off. My hands are gonna be broken from this

one. I don't even recognize my own body. It doesn't matter. I know you're mine.

I made you. I'm making you. I swore I'd live for pleasure. My tongue is fucking

enormous. Feel it. It's reaching down to my waist.

You're seeing your actual father in his moment of truth. God Almighty, nothing

matters. You're my God, my daughter.

I worship you. I beg you to do it so I can please you. Now look at it. It's big

in my corkscrewing hand.

Kiss it. My father explained again. I am fucking God and I made God.

Holy shit. All I have to do is look at God and God is happy because I've made

God come.

God is in heaven. I'm in heaven and I've died the whole world in heaven. I'm

coming all over your face.

I licked up his sperm. Don't make me sit.

Who in the hell do you think you are?

Your father's daughter.

You're one.

Vodka!

I drink vodka.

Mostly all the time.

And felt nothing about myself.

We drink, we laugh, we make bug body paint shatter.

We make performance art. We perform ourselves.

Fuck you!

We carve each other's names.

We fuck

septic.

I don't even realize what!

I don't want to fucking marry you.

To my condolence.

To my condolence.

And yelling begins a rhythm. The drinking gets louder. Go back to kissing

I know and kissing women I don't know. And what is a couple over time but a

line? I'll show you a fucking line. Your fucking bullshit is taking over the

house. It was taking over the house.

I didn't want to drink.

I wanted to write.

You're eight. I got a PhD.

You're ten.

You pretend.

Who would love a woman like me?

Thank you.

Don't you dare.

Hmm.

The data.

What?

The day my daughter was born.

After I look at the future.

To a point.

And pink.

And rose -lipped.

And rose -lipped in my shivering ears.

Little tragedies are difficult to keep straight.

Chronology convinces us we are moving toward a real place.

Swimmers to your marks.

Gaunt shot.

That gaunt shot relieved our tense flesh.

Fathers were often uncontainable while the little women swam for their lives.

Swim! Hurry!

Come on, baby.

Harder.

Harder!

Faster! A cacophony of men dwelling.

and pressing down on the wet motion.

How many times did I slip into the chlorinated depths, secretly hoping

to shed this useless skin and emerge something?

Amphibious and without gender.

The thing is, it's letting

everything in and waiting to see what comes out.

It's creepy and idiotic.

It's starting to piss me off that I have to even think

about that. hole.

What I am saying is there

is a woman in a room who is tired of looking down

and bleeding and

bearing and itching and aching and tired

of remaining open with no hope.

of suturing herself up.

It isn't that I want it gone.

It's that I want wanting to

come from somewhere else.

Between years of service with grateful.

Remind me why we're here.

I thought this was your idea.

I came here with you.

Delusion.

Grown women are idiots.

I know.

She begged.

I changed my name.

The killing back.

And pumped it into the story of someone else.

My father lost his memory from hypoxia that day.

I did not kill him.

I did not save him.

I am learning to live on land.

Carol Hope Smith, Norton Publishing.

It's pretty impressive what you did up there.

Thank you.

No, really.

It didn't look easy.

Tell me, is there any more where that came from?

Something a little longer?

You should send me something.

It's just that...

Something in me had been born still.

It's a small stone I carry.

The shame of wanting something good.

Hey, what are you doing?

Keep it moving.

Hi.

Job in the block.

Peer review.

Who wants to go first?

It's really helpful.

You know, you can't live the wrong life. You really can't. It's a story you're

told. You're one that's just as important as your own. It has to hurt,

excited for you.

Something small and specific caught my eye.

An important detail.

A bruise on the bridge of her nose, letting me know that her eyes were blue,

like mine. Hey!

How much?

I pay her pimp $100.

I ask her in.

I tell her to sit down.

In the story, I say, this is what it feels like to be me.

A woman who teaches English, looking down at a woman who sucks dick all day.

sits on my couch, smoking.

When I look at her, I think she looks like Mary.

In the story, I say, what am I going to do?

Teach her?

This is what me, an addict, upwardly mobile, given something as

small as words to believe in, thinks.

I'm looking at her.

Offer words.

People say to me all the time, did the things in your short stories actually

happen?

Isn't that the question when it comes to life?

Did this really happen to me?

Andy. I don't know.

The things that happened to us are true.

But writing is a whole other body.

I was hoping we could discuss my manuscript.

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

I also want to loan you my car.

I saw you were taking the bus, and I happen to have two cars.

Hey.

a lot about a person from seeing them in the water.

Thank you.

For what?

For letting me swim with you.

I read a couple of your stories. I know that swimming's a good deal.

I always let my students get to run.

The only one is that I've seen you a couple times before.

Yeah, I read about Ken Kesey teaching at U of O when I was abroad, and I applied

to the program, but it already happened.

Oh, shit.

This is funny.

Yeah, I know.

I've seen you stomping around the creative writing department.

I was in the reading you gave at Girling.

All right.

Weird.

Weird.

That was a weird day for me.

Why?

My father... My

father...

Who is abusive?

My father.

How so?

Sexual?

Well, it sucks.

I hope something karmically fucked happened to him.

Yeah.

Kind of actually did.

Excellent.

Wow.

It was a long time ago. I was a totally different person then.

So who are you now?

I'm your teacher.

I'll teach you how to take my car.

I don't quite know how to tell you what it feels like.

Watching the little woman swim for her life.

I mean...

Are you fucking insane?

No.

You think I'm someone else.

I can see the mother in you.

There's more to your story than you think.

Eek eek

That's

George

Very nice.

Very nice.

Oh, we shouldn't go to this place. You're on the line.

Yeah.

I'm going to pop your ring.

They said it would be ready tomorrow, for sure.

That must have been a very weird ride.

Thank you.

You don't ever have to say thank you to me.

I'm good.

Hi, Dad.

Hello.

No, it's me. It's Lydia.

I know that girl.

I

read

that book.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Do you know who wrote it?

You. That's right.

Did you read all of the stories?

I, uh... There was one about swimming.

I... I liked it.

Thank you.

Don't worry. Flattering of me, though.

That's fair enough.

for that story.

I got to go to New York.

Well, isn't that something, huh?

It's beautiful here.

It's a real home.

The safest memories are locked away in the brains of people who can't remember.

Oh, get her, Mike! Get her, Mike!

No, I don't... Underwater.

Forever.

There you go, pal.

to my brain.

Uh,

Miles?

How many times have you seen Mama swimming in swimming laps?

Lots of times, right?

Have you ever noticed that I've never got water in my brain?

Water's never gone into my brain.

You want to see?

What's this?

Tell me how much water goes in my brain, okay?

See?

I have a very important game.

I'm going to put my whole head underwater.

And we'll look at each other underwater.

What game is this?

I made it up.

The

key

is... make up shit.

I'm not speaking out of my asshole when I say this Come in

The water will hold you

Thank you.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.