Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Zac Oyama, and if I had to guess,

I'm gonna be some kind of weird guy today.

(funky music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- What could be happening? (crew member chuckles)

- [Vic] They have no idea

who or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People".

(funky music)

- Wow.

(Zac laughs)

Oh my God.

Oh! Oh!

The little tummy is awful.

That is the worst thing I've ever seen.

I feel like I'm disassociating,

and you know, this is not who I am.

Hello, it's me, Mr. Krispies!

Give me your cereal.

I don't have any cereal.

Lifetime supply, my ass.

Hey, I'm Dr. David Philbin and I play

a Clash of Chaos character named Mr... (chuckles)

Mr. Krispies.

(crew laugh)

(mimics smash)

Do you have any tomatoes?

? I love tomatoes ?

? I love tomatoes ?

Hi, I'm Brian.

I'm seven years old.

Me and my sister were playing Gumanji

and I fell into a hole.

Um, I don't know where I am.

Uh, do you guys know where you am?

Have you seen my mom?

Okay? (chuckles)

(Zac whimpers)

(crew laughing)

(Zac claps)

? Come on, everybody, now ?

? Gimme a little clap ?

? Come on, everybody ?

? Come on, give a little clap ?

Come here.

Just kidding, fuck you.

(upbeat music)

- Okay.

Okay, just...

No, okay.

Okay, come on. My rental car got hit by a bus.

Just...

There we go and fix it.

And thank you.

And thank you and I said thank you. Thank you.

(clears throat) We all have a story to tell.

And sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis

back with another edition of "Very Important People".

Please introduce yourself.

- My name is Dash Highland.

I'm from the Dark Forest of Kevinshire

and I'm a filmmaker.

(dramatic music)

- You're from The Dark Forest and you're a filmmaker

in the Dark Forest?

- No, but I can tell you a bit

about my backstory, if that makes sense.

- [Vic] Okay, well, I would love that.

I'd love to hear all about the Dark Forest.

Where is that relative to here?

- It's a different plane.

It's two above.

- [Vic] Two above?

I didn't realize it was sorta like a ladder.

- Picture a cylinder.

- [Vic] Oh, okay.

Sort of...

Oh, oh no!

- We're here.

And if we go through it.

- Ah! Okay. (chuckles) - [Dash] There.

When you think of time...

- And, Okay.

- This is the plane we're on.

(paper rips)

And the plane that I come from.

- Okay. Okay. (pencil plunking)

- So when you fold it- - [Vic] Right?

(paper rips) Okay.

- That's the, that's the way-

- I think we all get it.

I think we all get it. - That's how I found out

where I'm from. - Oh, man.

Yeah. I love that.

- They should have sent you a little bio.

- They did, they said you- - I have a little blurb?

- You were from the Dark Forest

and you've recently traveled to Los Angeles-

- Yeah. - They said for a big,

explosive reason.

I'm assuming some sort of conflict,

maybe running away from danger.

- Factually correct.

We were running away from the Hell Knights

and me and my brethren were chased through the Endless Moor.

And my father, in a great last stand,

sacrificed himself with the Flute of the Unforgiven.

- I'm so sorry your father has passed.

- Thank you.

- Thank you so much. - [Vic] Yeah.

My father lives in Florida. I understand.

- My father's dying wish to send me here

so that me and my bros could make a movie,

sort of Kickstart a short film about making it in LA.

- I'm sorry, you came

from all this conflict. - Yes.

- In the Dark Forest to LA to make a film-

- My father. - [Vic] About making it?

- Standing with the Flute of the Unforgiven said,

"No more."

"No more!"

And then he played the song.

Me and my friends, my bros, it's like five of us.

One of us is a little taller than the others

and he's like good with girls.

- We have the photo of the five of you actually

and you look identical to each other.

- [Dash] One guy's a stoner. - [Vic] One is just

slightly taller and it maybe even looks like

it's just the hair.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Can I interrupt you for two seconds?

- It seems like you just did.

- Can I actually have my script? I brought a script.

I can tell you about it.

It's like me and my guys, we're living in Hollywood.

I live in Burbank, but you know,

just trying to make it cooler.

And it's just the guys,

we're kinda hanging out in town.

We run into celebs.

Like we have cameos of celebrities.

- You ordered cameos from celebrities

or you have cameos of celebrities in this short?

- This is like my promise to you.

If you give me money, we will figure out

how to get cool celebrities.

- So I'm sorry, you came here today

to try and just get the audience

to Kickstart your short film that is about five-

- Five guys- - [Vic] Bros hanging out-

- [Vic] Hanging out in... - Figuring it out in LA.

Can I get this script, please?

(door rattles)

- Took a long time to come in here.

And ordinarily, I'd be very upset about that but I am doing-

- Where is it? - Some deep breaths.

(Dash exclaims)

Sorry.

- [Vic] And thank you!

- The way that I looked the wrong way

and then came back around and that guy was right there.

- It seems like you don't have much of a neck.

- Me? - Yeah.

- Chapter two. - [Vic] Okay.

Your script has chapters?

- Once upon a time- - Here's that's more

like a book.

- In Hollywood, California, 2063-

- Chapter two starts with, "Once Upon a Time?"

- The first- - Can you go back

to chapter one?

I'd love to see how the story starts.

(Dash speaking in fantasy language)

- The Dark Flames must muster and they must be extinguished.

Cut to...

Burbank, California, Bob Hope Airport.

A cool guy who looks two inches taller

than the rest of his friends,

girls are totally checking him out,

that just came in from out of town.

The Uber comes and calls him a anti-vaxxer

and it's like, "Oh great."

- Why would the Uber driver call him an anti-vaxxer?

- It's like a character choice.

- On the Uber driver's part?

- Chapter 16. - Okay.

- "When all was lost..."

- Can I just say some of these scenes,

it seems like start with the traditional

like interior Burbank airport- - Yes.

- And some of them,

it's just we're starting with chapter heads.

- Yes, Chapter 16, interior house.

(both laughing)

(beep) (standby music)

You wanna read a chapter?

- I would love to read a chapter.

Oh, maybe I'll read the end.

Is that a spoiler? Is that too much of a spoiler?

- Yeah, I think we should go for it.

- Okay. Chapter 374.

Interior, night, apartment.

The five bros are huddled around a portal.

It opens. We see sparks flying out.

It immediately closes and we pan away from it.

They all hug.

No kissing though. They would never do that to each other.

The five bros all high five

and say, "What a great night."

The end.

- It's like throwing away the past,

'cause the past is behind us.

- I'm gonna say something that sounds

like maybe a hard truth, but I think is something

that as an artist you need to hear.

- Hmm? - You're not using

any of the most interesting parts of yourself.

- Um, can I be honest with you for a second?

- Of course.

- So like I just left like a pretty crazy situation.

And so, maybe part of my experience

is that I wanna get drinks on Hollywood Boulevard

and see if I can fight a guy

who came too close to me on a bird scooter, okay?

- Looks like you could do that and you can make a movie

that's more interesting and better.

You know what I'm saying? - What are we trying...

Can we get something on its feet for a second?

Just a second. - Yeah, maybe...

Maybe it feels a little bit different on its feet.

Maybe some of the physicality

changes sort of how seems about it.

Okay. Alright.

So maybe we do the post credit scene.

How about that?

(feet shuffling)

Are you all right?

- [Dash] Yes.

- Do I do that too?

- [Dash] No!

- [Vic] Okay. - Wow.

Incredible. - Sorry, I didn't know.

And now I won't.

- Culturally insensitive.

- Of course, and I wouldn't.

- You wanna play Monica?

- I'll play Monica, of course.

Post credit scene, Chapter 36, exterior, bar night.

Monica, confident, huge tits.

Okay, um. (clears throat)

And I am standing at the bar.

(feet shuffling)

- Hi, Monica.

You're confident and have huge tits.

Can I have your tomato?

(page ruffles)

- Of course.

You're the sexiest, smartest man

I've ever seen in Hollywood.

And you seem like you have noticed my huge tits

and I really appreciate that about you.

Wow, somebody so kind and sensitive

and sweet and hot with huge abs

must have a million chicks that are interested in him.

What could I possibly bring to the table? (whimpers)

- I don't know. Wow.

I can't believe you said that.

I'm so friend zoned all the time.

- That's so crazy.

It's probably 'cause you're so sweet and kind and smart

and your brain is so hot. - Yeah.

- But also you are so sexually magnetic.

It's hard to believe that anybody

would just wanna be friends with you

and not want to rip off your leaves and loin cloth.

(page ruffles)

- I got second in a basketball tournament

at the park yesterday.

I'm pretty good when I'm playing with my bros.

- Wow. Second place?

How many teams were playing? - Six.

- Wow, that's second place out of six.

- Yeah. - Pretty good.

If you were to be first place,

people would be too jealous of you

and you would probably be killed.

- Yeah, that's why I try to keep a low profile.

- End scene. Okay.

- That felt good. - Did it?

- Yeah, do you mind if I include that

in the crowdfunding?

- Of me acting? - [Dash] Yeah.

- I'm not really an...

I'm more of a host than an actor.

- Well, you know, we can always recast you.

- Okay, why don't you see how I perform

and then maybe I get to audition for it.

- Okay, cool.

I mean, don't freak out or anything.

- I wouldn't.

I wouldn't. I'm cool.

I'm cool and I'm calm.

So speaking of the Kickstarter,

I heard we got a little video

that you played at the top there.

So if we can go ahead and play that video.

- Hey, roll that beautiful B-footage.

What's up guys?

My name is Dash Highland

and I'm here to raise money for my short film.

Me and my friends who all kinda look like me

have a rare story to tell.

Five guys who are in Los Angeles and being guys.

Dash and the boys are back again for the first time.

One time we went out,

and it was so funny that we knew

we had to make a short about it.

That's why I'm here to ask you for $75,000,

'cause I have no money at all.

One time, someone told me I was handsome

and that's why I moved here.

That's why we're trying to make our film,

"Bob's Hope," a reality.

If you support our film now,

you can get one of these great rewards.

- So we see that you brought some of the rewards here today.

So, maybe if we can fly in that first reward.

So if somebody donates $35, this is what they receive.

- Yes, this is my aunt and uncle.

- They're mushrooms.

They sorta look like mushrooms to me.

- It's the Princess' doing, the Dark Lord's daughter.

She was once fair, beautiful, kind even.

And then one day, she drank from the pool of Abysmal Hell.

- How about we bring out the next reward?

Let's go ahead and see what the next reward looks like.

So, gonna be gentle with that.

For $100, okay!

- Sorry, one second. - Okay.

- I just have to say.

You will always be protected

and your sacrifice was always worthy

and I miss you every day.

- What did they say?

- They said, "If you act now,

you can get your name in the credits."

That's pretty exciting!

- So for $100, somebody can get this cup of dirt.

- [Dash] This is a cup from my mother's orchard.

There's a type of fruit that only grows on my plane,

that makes you faster than the fastest man,

stronger than the strongest man,

taller than my friend Kevin,

which is about two inches taller than me.

And I think that's roughly worth $100.

- I wouldn't give that away.

How many of those do you have?

- I have one cup.

- So it's sounding like right now, so far,

if somebody claims both of these rewards,

you're gonna have $135.

- I think so-

- Let's go ahead and let's see what that third reward is.

Let's take a peek. (door rattles)

- Where is he? - Okay.

- I didn't see the guy come in.

- And so, right behind you. - Hello?

The door's open though. - [Vic] This is, okay.

And so, and, okay.

Nope, nope.

And just come right back on in and then sit down.

(Dash screams)

- Sorry.

Thank you.

- This is our PA and we're not allowed

to yell at PAs anymore.

So, okay, so your third reward is a blank t-shirt.

- Blank t-shirt.

You can put whatever you want on it.

- Let me just sorta check my notes on this.

You have this one listed for $2.8 million

is this reward. - This is $2.8 million.

It's the same kinda shirt that Vin Diesel wears

in the "Fast and Furious" movies.

- What made you think that this was gonna be worth

more than the cup that is from your mother's orchard?

- (sighs) I guess I just think so highly of your world.

I think everything here's so cool.

All the camera set up, B cam, A cam,

C cam, D cam, right? - C Cam, B cam.

So this is kinda like the coolest

film set you've ever been on?

- This is an amazing film set!

What are you talking about?

People in your realm don't how lucky they are.

- Why?

- [Dash] Because everything comes easy.

They don't have to shapeshift through the dark leaves

because the hell hounds have found you

and you're hoping that they mistake you

for a different rabbit.

- It seems like had you stayed in the Dark Forest,

making a film about Hollywood

would've been really interesting.

- Um, yeah.

- What do you mean yeah? - Yeah.

- Should I have fucking done that?

- Can you not go back?

- If I go back, uh, my dad's kinda dead.

- Sure.

- [Dash] He was turned to stone.

And his sacrifice for us.

'Cause I said, I was like begging him,

"I have to go to Hollywood."

A lot of it's my fault.

- So he sorta sacrificed himself for your one wish?

- 'Cause me and my brothers wanted to go.

I pissed off the Dark Lord.

- Yeah. - I stole his little mirror

that shows you your wishes.

- Do you have it here?

- I think so.

It might be back there somewhere.

- Can we see the Dark Lord's mirror?

Can we fly in the Dark Lord's mirror?

Okay, oh and here we are.

And okay.

Hey... (Dash exclaims)

And then, okay, hand...

- God. - [Vic] Hands.

When you look in that mirror, what do you see?

- See for yourself here.

See for yourself.

- You said this is your greatest wish you see in here?

- I see it.

- There's nothing.

- It's like a headshot proportionally.

- Can I see what I see?

Yeah, so I think this is just a mirror.

I think you saw yourself and thought it was a headshot

and so you needed to go make short films.

- Just trying to make it, you know?

I feel like I've made a mistake in many ways,

but it's too late to go back

and all you can do is double down.

- [Vic] So your philosophy is that

you don't have to sort of like make amends.

You don't have to sort of like be right by anybody.

You just sorta double down.

- Well my dad's a statue at this point,

so I don't really know what other else to say.

- How about this? We got a couple of rapid fire questions.

Why don't we go ahead and ask those.

- Please, and can I ask you a question before those?

- Of course.

- Do you wanna be in a short film?

- Yes.

- 'Cause there's plenty of parts outside of Monica.

- It's so funny. I kinda never thought

about myself as an actor.

And then as soon as you were like,

"Do you wanna be in a short film, I was like, "Yes?"

- Yeah, I can see it.

There's this neighbor and she keeps calling the cops on us.

Total Karen moment.

- Okay, maybe we'll sorta figure out

what the part is specifically in a minute here.

Let's uh, let's get to some rapid fire questions.

(easy lounge music)

Dash, can you handle spicy food?

- No, anything spicier than a tomato

and I'll die on my feet.

- All right. How would you describe your sense of style?

- Uh, just kinda fell down a hill.

- Can I ask, you have a gem.

How does the gem work?

- I can make stuff disappear.

- Okay. (Dash exclaims)

- What did you make disappear?

- That vase over there.

- That vase? - Yes.

(whispers) Fix it in post.

- I can just see you mouthing,

"Fix it in post." (door rattles)

And I'm sorta seeing our VFX guy going,

"We're not doing that."

And so it is getting flown-

- Get outta here. Help me. - Out right now.

- Don't make me look like a fool.

- Well, look at that. The vase is gone.

I have one more question for you

that I ask each and every one of my guests and that is,

"What is the meaning of life?"

- Wow. What is the meaning of life?

You know, we live in a world

where there are many challenges.

- Sure. (inspiring music)

- Where dark lords unleash hell knights

or babes think you're just a guy to talk to

and not like, you know, like not hot.

Where your father turns to stone in a selfless moment

that will live on forever in the tales of our people.

But there's not a lot of time for art.

And I feel like, for just $65,

one time payment,

you can get a producer credit on my short.

And that way, you too will live on forever.

- You need a producer.

- Do you wanna be the producer?

- I didn't say I wanna be the producer.

- $65 cash.

And you can act in it too.

And we can, you know, if people aren't busy,

maybe this whole crew does it.

- Well, if I'm just gonna be sort of a Karen,

I'm not gonna, you know...

- We could talk about it.

You could be like, you could audition for Monica.

- It's just if I was Monica,

we could've used some of the cameras.

- Okay, you're Monica!

- [Vic] It's just, you know- - Okay. You can be Monica.

- No. - [Dash] Yeah.

- Me? - Yeah, you could be Monica.

I'm serious. - Okay! I got the part!

- Hey, you got the part! - I got the part!

Okay, fantastic.

I wasn't gonna say this, but I do...

Sort of my dream is to be a host,

but my like secondary dream is to be really famous.

Well, the crew is yours.

Oh, so everybody listen- - Okay, people.

- Listen to Dash. - All right.

I'm gonna need, what's it, D cam?

(Vic exhales)

D cam float in. - I gotta get ready.

- Are we're lived up?

- [Vic] Are we doing this now?

- Yeah, yeah, we're gonna do it now.

- [Vic] Okay, I gotta go.

- Okay. - [Vic] Um, okay.

Can I have like 10 minutes?

- 10 minutes. - [Vic] Okay. Make up!

- [Dash] Okay. - [Vic] Okay.

Bigger, but less noticeable.

You know what I'm saying? Cut it off. Okay.

I'm Vic Michaelis reminding you be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night. Okay, you know what?

I will fix it. We'll fix it in post.

Okay. (exclaims) I'm gonna be a star!

- I think what we gotta focus on

is this is a personal film, okay?

And so, it's like handheld feeling.

Can you nod?

You've seen Mumblecore?

The Duplass brothers are kinda an inspiration for me,

so this is gonna be Duplassy.

Can we fly in some HMU?

I'm feeling a little greasy.

We're making art.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. My T-zone's rough.

How's your day going?

Cool.

Shall we? Should we go?

Okay. Alright guys.

Company move. Company move.

- Dash, Dash, wait. - [Dash] Huh?

- Monica, what's up? (gentle music)

- You left your suitcase. - Oh.

- The one with all of your awards in it

for being a director and actor

and also a very handsome man about town.

- I can't believe I forgot that. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Well, I gotta go.

- Wait. - Huh? Why?

- It's not gonna work out between us.

- Really? - [Monica] Yes.

- What do you mean?

- You're so talented and attractive and smart

and I know that you said you could do long distance

'cause you can do anything that you set

your big beautiful mind to,

but there's gonna be plenty of other people

with huge boobs out there.

And you need to explore all of them.

I'm just gonna hold you back.

- Wow.

- As much as I would love it to be me,

I just know that you're gonna do huge things out there,

even huger than my boobs.

- Yeah. Man, I'm sad.

Hmm.

- Hey. - [Dash] Well...

- We're not gonna cry because it's over.

You're gonna smile because it happened.

- Thanks for my awards. - Okay.

- I have to go to the airport now.

- We're here. - Okay.

(plane drones)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0