Original subtitles

[???]

GAVIN: No, that's not for you.

That's not for you! That's not for you!

My depth perception's all out of whack!

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, ah. Huh.

Oh, my. Ah!

[GRUNTS]

Excuse me, officer.

I need to make a call.

Have a heart, Stace. Give them a sec.

I know you're in here.

I can smell you.

[ROARS] [YELLS]

[ROARS]

Are you sure about this?

I never wanna see anything again.

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

So, what are you guys doing tonight?

Uh, hang on a second, Stace. Out of my room.

Take that off. You're not wearing my clothes.

Your body's like a raw piece of chicken.

Oh, welcome to the wonderful world of salmonella.

Every time Archie borrows my clothes, buttons get loose,

everything smells like bratwurst and body spray.

What were you saying? Just wondering

what you're doing on our first weekend apart

since we started hanging out.

Well, Archie and I are making

yet another epic New York food trek.

He heard about this place that has

the world's best soup dumplings. Xiao Long Bao.

What? And then we're going

to some lounge for an avant-garde burlesque show.

Like Hooters for sophisticated people.

Like Hooters for sophisticated people.

Heh. Whoo, that's sounds fun.

What are you guys doing?

They found a baby skeleton in the quarry.

We can't go night swimming anymore.

Stop exaggerating. It wasn't a baby.

It was a tiny horse.

I heard it was a 45-year-old

with that Benjamin Button disease.

Sorry for exaggerating. It was a mythical quarry creature

that aged backwards.

Anyway, I'm stuck in Dullsburg

with nothing to do.

Just here to fix the a.c. About time.

What? No, I was just...

Hey, hey, hey! Dude, that's my deodorant!

Like our underarms are kissing. Not a toothbrush.

What? Sorry. Can we talk later?

Everything is getting annoying here.

[WHIRRING] Uh, yeah.

[WHIRRING] Sure.

Uh, later

or tomorrow, I guess.

Hi, honey. Well, have fun

at your hipster strip club,

and maybe you'll meet the woman of your dreams. Heh.

Yeah, no. Heh, well, fingers crossed.

Yeah.

So talk to you later...

I was- Okay. Bye.

[SIGHS]

That was not a quality hang-up.

[WHIRRING] Felt unfinished.

Like when you were little and you'd make boom-boom

then you'd get in the car,

realize there was still a bit left?

Don't sweat it, Gav.

Long distance relationships can be tricky.

Like trying to avoid eye contact with the homeless.

Okay, stop. This is our night.

Not time to get neurotic about your girlfriend.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend.

I hope she is, but I don't know. It's early still, and I-

You needed that. He needed that.

Focus. Tonight's mission:

Eat soup dumplings, see chest dumplings.

Double dumplings. You with me or against me?

With you. Gonna kill it tonight.

Gonna kill it tonight.

BOTH: ? Gonna kill it Kill it, kill it tonight ?

? I hope murder's not illegal 'Cause we'll kill it tonight ?

BOTH: ? We're gonna kill it, kill it Kill it tonight ?

It's a miracle either of those boys ever gets laid.

[SIGHS] Great.

Gavin is out in the city,

and I am totally bored in rural America.

You know I think of Dillsburg as pre-urban,

but post-rural, like a dead body that's about to go full zombie.

[SIGHS] I'm not gonna see him again until next weekend.

That's 14 days apart. He's gonna forget what I look like.

Don't be silly.

You have the kind of blue eyes

that haunt sailors in the afterlife.

He'll remember.

[SIGHS]

Okay, you are sighing like a soccer mom

at a Ryan Gosling movie.

You need to buck up.

Time for a lady's night.

Like back in the day,

high school style.

Little of this,

little of this.

Nice. You girls are gonna blow up balloons and eat ice cream?

Well, you're right about the ice cream part.

And to cap off the night, a little trucker's delight.

Finished! Oh.

[GUN COCKS] We're 100 percent ready

to kill those raccoons

that have been bothering you. Yay!

I've got a perfect place in the backyard to burn the bodies.

Okay. Going out sounds good.

Do you have any balloons?

No, but I got a contact at the party store.

Don't tell me you're talking at Dave Coaches again.

That guy puts the P in creepy.

Do you wanna get judgmental, or do you want to get high?

Gonna kill it tonight.

BOTH: Gonna kill it tonight.

? Gonna kill, kill- ?

[CHUCKLES] WOMAN: Hey.

Evening, ladies. Have a good one.

Sorry, I- Won't happen again. Dude, not cool.

This better be good. I set the bar pretty high last time

with tamales in Sunset Park. They were impressive.

I got a feeling these dumplings are gonna shake up the world.

Hop in the toddler's seat. Daddy's driving.

WOMAN: Okay- Wha-

Hey. Have a good one.

Everything okay? You seem to be having trouble walking.

Shut up, dude.

Dave Coaches came through

with an address to get the stuff.

We need to tell him we're friends with the Big Magoo.

That was his stripper name when he was back in Tampa.

Did not know he was a Floridian. Shall we?

[CELL PHONE DINGS] Oh.

Heh. What an ass.

Oh, my God! You meant literally.

Wow, that is not an easy angle to get.

He's got those long arms.

All right, guys, we're heading out.

Good luck with the raccoons.

Thanks, Pumpkin.

We're gonna need it.

Raccoons have sonar.

I think you mean bats.

I do mean bats.

You know, I think I'm gonna text Gavin,

clear things up after that phone call.

A picture's worth a thousand words.

Wanna forward Dave's? Do not touch me with that thing.

[???]

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

"Dear Gavin, you smell pretty.

I want you to pour your love gas in my baby machine.

Stacey-cakes." Shut up.

"Have a great night."

What's that supposed to mean?

Uh, have a great night.

Yeah, but maybe it's sarcastic.

Like, "Have a great night at that strip club, douche."

She didn't use exclamation mark. Then it'd be sarcastic.

Any time a girl uses an exclamation mark,

it basically means, "Stab yourself in the face."

Dude, this is it.

Looks promising.

With a location this bad, it's gotta be good.

Uh... Oh, secret entrance.

[BUZZES]

Xiao Long Bao?

It's happening, just as I foretold.

Oh, yeah. It's so fresh and authentic.

It's gonna be delicious. This really doesn't feel

like a restaurant. Don't be na�ve.

You're not hip to the underground New York scene.

You know dating country girls,

I know cutting-edge urban cuisine.

Hi.

Okay, we are in a Chinese family's living room.

I think you're right. [CACKLING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[LAUGHING]

Bart. Funny, right?

Archie?

She must know where the restaurant is.

I'm downloading a translator app on my phone.

Argh. Damn, voice mail.

Hey, Stacey, just checking in.

But you're probably out at a rager or birthing a foal.

Just call me back when you get a chance.

All right. Peace out.

Peace out? Ooh...

Like a desperate plea from a man who fell overboard

on a single's cruise. Give me. No, man.

Yeah, no, it's for your own good.

Okay? Let's not argue in front of the Fengs.

[CHICKEN CACKLING]

[WOMAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Wait. [CACKLING]

No.

ARCHIE: We can't let this happen.

No. We gotta save it, man.

GAVIN: Yeah.

Go. Me?

Me? No. You go.

You've got great hands.

I got the face. True.

Okay, go.

[CACKLING] [WOMAN YELLING]

ARCHIE: Oh, hey! Sorry!

Okay. I'll give you 20 bucks.

Okay, 20 bucks!

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

GAVIN: No, no, no!

ARCHIE: Okay. GAVIN: Go, go, go!

Here, look, look, look! [YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

STACEY: Crap. How did I miss his call? Peace out?

What the hell is that? Hippie talk.

Argh. Voice mail.

Why did he ask me to call him and then not answer?

I don't know. Why would you call him and not leave a message?

This is it. Yeah. It's hard to tell

if we're playing games or cell reception just sucks.

It's a tangled web, Stace.

Are you sure this is the place? MAN: Coming.

Dave has lied to me, stolen my credit cards,

once he gave me a withering infection,

but when it comes to doing wrong,

he's never done me wrong.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Hey.

Um, sorry, wrong address.

No problem. The Big Magoo sent us.

Oh, right.

The Big Magoo. You guys want steroids, right?

Yeah, I just got some Osaka. It's good.

Karate quality. This one'll be able to lift a truck.

Come on. It's okay, officer. It's...

[GROANS]

Damn. I did it again. Sorry. Sometimes when I get ripped,

I forget I'm still wearing my blues.

No worries, ladies, Officer Buckley's off the clock.

Phil is here, and Phil sells drugs. Come on.

Yeah.

What are you doing? Nothing.

You're sniffing our son's pillow.

I took one year of psych, but that's weird.

You know what I think is weird?

Gavin still has this. His Bigfoot costume?

What was that? Halloween, seventh grade?

Eighth grade. Seventh grade was Princess Jasmine.

Right. That was an interesting autumn.

Stop snooping, Pam. I'm not snooping.

You remember how long it took me to sew this thing?

You feeling a little empty nest-y there, Mama Bird?

Hmm? Does this have anything to do

with how much Gavin likes Stacey?

How can you be simultaneously so smart and so stupid?

I got brain damage from a falling encyclopedia.

[CHUCKLES] Mm.

GAVIN: My God. ARCHIE: Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Ah... We saved a life! I gotta hand it to you,

you were quick back there, like a puma.

No, you were like a hairy Bruce Willis.

That was awesome.

Now, reality is setting in a little bit.

What are we gonna do with the chicken?

Give me back my phone. Okay.

Let's go to the restaurant, get dumplings in us,

then we'll figure out our next move.

Damn, missed Stacey's call.

Voice mail again. Thanks a lot.

Gotta give me a break with the Stacey thing.

Just be in the moment. You're always thinking about her.

Not true. When you're with her, ever think about me?

Yeah. Whenever I need to slow things down,

I think about you French-kissing Hitler.

Whoa. That's not funny.

Not cool.

And not even remotely historically accurate.

Fine, I'll go back to picturing you

shaving Donald Trump's back.

Dang.

All I can make are proper nouns

or bad things to call black people.

This is nice. It's peaceful.

Yeah. No better way to spend a Friday night

than playing board games with your dead husband's brother.

[CLANGING] [CAT HOWLS]

Raccoons.

[GUN COCKS]

It's just a kid on a bicycle. No.

It's just a kid on a bicycle.

Are you sure? Pretty sure.

Ringing a bell and carrying a pizza box.

Wouldn't put anything past him.

I once saw a raccoon paddling a canoe.

Granted, it was an animatronic raccoon at a carnival.

I can only assume it was based on science.

You know, maybe Stacey had the right idea.

It's boring here.

Let's go out and get some air,

maybe some ice cream too.

Yeah, that's a nice idea.

Plus, it will lull the raccoons into a false sense of security.

I guess this house will be people-free tonight!

Okay, Brian.

Sure you don't wanna hang out?

Got a ton of peanut butter we confiscated

from some Mexicans running a counterfeit store. Chunky.

All good, Phil. Keep it legal.

Almost always do.

Keep it quiet, or I'll find you.

[LAUGHING]

And now I have no reception.

I had it here a second ago. How does that happen?

The ionosphere.

It's complex and highly charged,

much like your relationship with your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend, at least not officially.

I don't know what we are exactly.

I know what we are exactly.

Two girls about to make some terrible choices.

[???]

Are you doing the angry walk?

You are! You're actually mad right now.

No, I'm doing the regular walk.

You have no right to be upset

because I think about Stacey.

I have every right. I have all the rights in the world,

plus rights from distant solar systems.

[CELL PHONE RINGING] Trying to have a conv-

It's Stacey. Argh, crap.

Hi, Mom, what's up?

Hi. Your dad and I were wondering

when you might be home.

Uh, not for a while.

Archie got us lost, we adopted some poultry.

A chicken?

[???]

To Officer Phil and his awesome stuff.

Mm.

This ice cream is amazing.

I wanna find the cow that made it and kiss its teats.

Heads up. Trucker's delight.

One, two, three.

Whoo! Yeah, big fella!

Tell your friends! [CHUCKLES]

[HORN HONKING] Yeah!

Yeah! [LAUGHS]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS]

That was more fun in high school.

Okay, Mom.

I'll see you in a few hours. I love you. Bye.

How can you take a call

in the middle of a fight? I thought it was Stacey.

I don't wanna fight. It's hard with you holding a chicken.

Your hair's making me laugh, the way it's bouncing.

Then allow me to make it easier.

Tonight was just you and me.

Man to man, eating pork, telling lies.

Stacey's always here. Even when she's not here.

Okay. That makes no sense.

Ease up on your grip. I know it sounds ridiculous,

but you're choking your chicken.

[CHICKEN CACKLING] Archie, come on!

Thanks for waiting, dude.

I totally could've gotten wilded by some teens.

Golden Dumpling Pavilion.

Huh.

Looks like they had a little fire.

Screw it.

I give up. Let's go home. What?

Don't you wanna go to that lounge?

It's a Hooters for sophisticated people, remember.

Nah, it's over, man.

They broke us.

[CHICKEN CACKLES] Oh! What the hell, man?

Sorry, that was harder than I meant. But I owed you that.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna turn off my phone for you.

Really? Mm-hm.

Not just airplane mode? Completely off.

Takes a sec. That little thing is spinning.

Oh, all right. Off.

That's the nicest thing anyone's done for me.

Okay. So this one Chinese joint is closed, but who cares?

We'll just go to that one. Look at this.

Second floor Chinese? Mm-hm.

Are you nuts? That's not safe.

You know what happens in second floor Chinese?

Nobody does.

Let's find out. [CHICKEN CACKLING]

[???]

You beautiful bastard.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Stay.

Good chicken.

Yeah!

Oh.

[GAVIN CLEARS THROAT]

I have $189, and my boy wants to party.

Whoo!

Thought there'd be more

of a reaction. We're dead.

GWEN & BRIAN: ? She'll be coming round the mountain ?

? She'll be coming Round the mountain ?

? When she comes ? ? Oh, here she comes ?

Still no bars.

What if he's trying to reach me? What if he's not?

"Have a great night"? I should've used exclamation mark

He'd have known I wasn't being sarcastic.

Yeah, that would've helped.

Oh, it's go time.

[???]

Release the krakens!

? She'll be coming Round the mountain- ?

Oh, God!

Oh, was that...?

Yes, yes, it was.

Here's the plan. Back away real slow,

but if you see any throwing stars or numchucks, sprint.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

[COIN CLINKING]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

[EXHALES]

Hello.

Are you with me or against me?

With you.

Uh, yeah.

I can't believe I flashed my mother.

Stupid Stacey.

I'm gonna end up like her.

Lonely and alone,

wandering through the night getting flashed by morons.

So you're pretty high, huh?

[SIREN CHIRPS]

Okay, relax, relax, It's probably just Officer Phil.

I got a report of drug use and public lewdness.

IDs, ladies.

No, no, no.

I'm not going back inside.

Got you!

[PHIL LAUGHING]

Phil!

Ha-ha-ha. Whoa!

You cops scared the crap out of us.

Cop, singular. I just met Lester at the ice cream shop.

Guy's a hoot. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Is the little one all right?

She's shivering like a rabbit. Not really.

We're too high to drive, and she needs cell service stat.

Can you give us a ride? Hey,

I'm here to protect and serve and party!

[LAUGHING] All right.

Let's roll! Let's rock 'n' roll!

Come on, Les. Come on!

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

Thanks. Sorry I lost it before.

Turn your phone back on.

Uh, yeah, I already did. Nothing.

But at least we're hanging out with actual ladies of the night.

Something we can tell our grandkids about.

Hang in there, buddy.

[SATURN MISSILES' "LIFE'S A HOLIDAY" PLAYING]

STACEY: Still no service.

[SIREN WAILING]

? When I wake I see... ?

Do it.

[YELLS]

? Somebody else's dream ?

? Playing on a screen ?

NESSA: Hey, road! STACEY: Watch the road!

[ROARS] [YELLS]

? And all those dreams Of mine... ?

I got four bars!

? It's all left behind ?

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

No, that's not for you.

That's not for you.

No, please, give me that!

Hello! We're having a party, baby!

No, that's my girlfriend!

Hello, Stacey?

Hello?

Stacey- Wait- Gavin?

What? I can't hear anything.

Gavin.

Stacey?

[GROANS]

I think I messed it up on the phone with Stacey again.

ARCHIE: Sucks, man.

He just called me his girlfriend.

Nice.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

? We shake the sleep Away... ?

[CHUCKLES] Light it up, Phil.

Stacey got a boyfriend.

[WHOOPING]

[SIREN WAILING]

NESSA: Yeah!

[???]

All right, Stace,

the odyssey is ended.

[CHUCKLES] So- Hey-

So, uh, did you guys see us or...?

No idea what you're talking about.

That the way we're playing this? Yes, it is.

Only way I can live with the memory

of those round fleshy mounds I don't remember seeing.

Deal. Okay.

So, um, goodnight, and, uh...

Thanks for everything, Ness.

Tonight was a weird one.

Yeah, it was like high school.

Little weirder than high school.

But you know I always got your back.

[???]

I can't believe somebody took that chicken.

They're gonna turn him into a fighter.

Don't say that.

Why are you still here? Oh, sorry.

Uh, a.c. took longer than planned.

Yeah, but, uh, everything is working fine now.

[GAVIN CHUCKLES]

Goodnight, boys. Goodnight, Pam.

[SIGHS]

Killed it tonight. [CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey.

Someone do something to my Bigfoot?

My bed is memory foam!

It'll never forget!

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