Original subtitles

[???]

Oh.

I wasn't doing it to you. I was doing it to the horse.

I was doing it to the horse- Unh!

Ow!

I thought you were supposed to be peaceful!

It just feels like something's still there.

I need you to go get it.

[GASPS] Ah!

PAM: What is going on?

What? It was still sticky.

[SIGHS]

Okay. Here we go.

You know what? Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Why don't we think this through for a second-

Watch your fingers. No!

[VOMITS]

[COUGHS]

[RAILROAD CROSSING DINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Dillsburg Press, this is Stacey.

GAVIN [ON PHONE]: It's Gavin. Hey!

So, uh, are you all set for tomorrow?

Yes. Jeez, Louise. I can't believe

we're finally gonna meet in person.

"Jeez, Louise"? Pardon me, Miss Potty Mouth.

I know. I have, like, super polite Tourette's or something.

[FIST THUDDING]

GAVIN: I didn't know they used

such coarse language in the country.

[LAUGHS]

Anyway, I will see you tomorrow night.

Only 19 hours left to go.

GAVIN [CHUCKLES]: Yep.

Bye.

ARCHIE: I'm excited for you, Gav.

You ask me to be your wingman. You know I'm there, as always.

Always?

[CHUCKLES] Uh, your first kiss?

Who brokered that deal? Me.

Who taught you how to touch boobs?

Allison Jenkins. The right way?

You. Ha.

Who had your back the first time you went all the way?

You had nothing to do with me losing my virginity,

unless you invented hard lemonade and the bouncy castle.

Before that. The first time.

I got you the magazine, and I stood outside the door.

You stood outside the door? I was guarding-

That is weird. That's what best friends do.

That's not what best friends do. Cell mates, maybe.

So, what does this say to you?

It says, "I teach at Top Gun,

and each year I deflower the most promising pilot."

That's bad.

I'm glad you're going, Ness.

I don't like the idea of my daughter

on a blind date all the way in New York.

STACEY: It's not a blind date, Mom.

But you haven't met. You just don't know.

Gavin could be a pedophile.

Well then he wouldn't like me, would he?

Well, you have such a young face.

Trust me, things are different

when you meet someone in person.

That's true, Stace. They're always worse.

Remember I was dating that guy

and he ended up being Hezbollah?

Not even a high-up. Just an office one.

Stacey, no. You look like a whore.

Happy whore or sad whore?

Like a sad, pot-smoking whore.

She's right, Stace. It's perfect.

GAVIN: For tomorrow night,

I read about this new club, Reverb,

that's supposed to be cool.

I want her to be like, "Oh, wow, New York,"

but can we get into a place like that?

Yeah, I can definitely get us in.

If the girls are good- looking, Reverb's a solid call.

There's lots of strobes. Lots of sounds.

These country girls are gonna be like deer in the headlights.

Come morning, we will be scraping fur

and meat off our bumpers.

It's a metaphor. Bumpers-

[MOUTHS] Penis. All right, already!

Just-

You know, I never complain...

But-

If our toilet doesn't get fixed soon,

I'm gonna have to whizz in the dishwasher.

That's not the line of succession.

It goes shower, sink, dishwasher, hamper.

Oh, hamper's last? I've been doing it out of order.

Hey, Dad!

Hey! Guys,

Sit down, I'll fix you a plate.

Pamela. Mwah. Quality top.

Thank you.

Michael, the toilet downstairs broke again.

Yeah, it's bad. It's like a Charmin Chernobyl. Hi, Mom.

I'll check it out. Pam, where's the honey?

This is beef stew.

Okay, this is getting to be a bit of a neurotic thing.

You know I have lost most of my sense of taste.

Savory, bitter, sour, gone. All I can taste is sweet.

So forgive me if I at least try to enjoy what I eat.

I'm not afraid of a few extra calories.

PAM: He thinks he's in better shape than me.

He started wearing tank tops, looks like a tourist.

Can we not get into this now?

No, I was the catch in this relationship.

I mean, men used to look at me,

and you knew that when they were alone later

with themselves and their hands-

Oh, Mom!

I was in their thoughts! I still have the tush.

Go ahead and squeeze this sponge cake.

Tell me that's not fresh.

Mom! That's fresh. Right?

PAM: Like the day it came out of the oven.

Hey, Gavin, don't smirk! I'm not smirking.

I'm just trying to bite down on the cyanide pill

I keep in my molar.

Would you stare at an armless man

trying to push an elevator button?

This is a real disability.

BRIAN: Hello!

Hey! Hi, Uncle Bri.

I brought ice cream.

Oh!

And a rape alarm.

Oh...

My brother would turn in his grave,

if he thought I wasn't taking care of his girl.

GWEN: What's a rape alarm, Bri?

Is that like a car alarm?

Does it go off if someone touches your vehicle?

You call your cobra basket a vehicle?

Well, I certainly don't call it a cobra basket.

Hm. Well-

Thanks, but I don't- BRIAN: Stacey, listen.

You are going into New York

to meet some boy you barely know.

I'm gonna show you how to use this.

That way if, God forbid, you come back all raped,

I will rest easy, knowing I did

everything I could to prevent it. Now come at me.

Come and try to forcibly penetrate me.

Uncle Brian, I'm-

Walking down Rape Street. I'm not.

And whoops! I dropped my library card.

Stacey, you sexually assault your uncle right now.

That's okay, she's feeling a bit shy.

Ness, how about you? You want to have a go?

Walking down the street, and whoops,

somebody dropped a quarter.

So tell us about your big date tomorrow.

Want me to iron anything

before you meet the girl from crack country?

Mom! It's a fact.

Gavin, I saw it on The View.

Keep your money in your sock

and do not use any condoms they give you. Pinholes.

Also on The View. Same episode.

These girls could be total freaks.

Dad, Stacey is not a freak.

Yeah, but her mystery friend

no one's ever seen before might be.

ALARM: Rape... If you didn't want it,

you wouldn't dress like that. Nessa, that's enough.

Don't you look at me. Don't you ever look at me.

O-okay.

Something like that, Bri?

STACEY: Okay, tonight in New York,

if you see me getting too drunk, and I'm going

all slappy-slappy, touchy-touchy,

promise me you'll give me the sign.

I think I like this guy,

so if we do fool around, I wanna remember it.

I'll try, but no promises.

This is one of the craziest things I've done.

It's pretty ballsy, Stace.

Like the time I went through customs

with a belly full of crack-filled condoms,

and like me, you will have some residual pain,

a few sweaty moments, and it will all end in smiles.

Aw, thanks, Ness. I hope so.

[???]

There she is.

All right, I guess inbreeding does work out sometimes.

Nice one, Gav. You okay?

Yeah. I-I can't breathe, but I-I feel so light.

It's like I'm on the moon.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be your friend?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Gavin? Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hiya. Oh, sorry.

Oh. No, you thought I was doing

one of those handshakes into hug things

that cool people do.

It's just weird to finally see you in person.

Yeah.

Look, you have legs. Thank God!

There they are.

Not that that would be a problem.

I'd like to think I could fall in love with an amputee.

It could be great. I could carry you

in one of those Baby Bjorn things, you know?

We could board planes early, most likely.

Probably get upgraded?

[CHUCKLES] [COUGHS]

Oh, sorry, this is Chris Archuletta, Archie.

Hi. Hey...

Did you come alone or-?

No, we didn't eat, so my friend Nessa

is just getting us something. There she is.

Ten bucks. For artisanal frankfurter with kimchi.

Oh, you bastard.

Nessa, uh, this is Gavin.

Hi.

And Archie.

So...drinks?

Yes, please. All right.

Stace, you don't want this now?

No, I'm good actually.

[???]

Not getting into Reverb.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

This place is pretty cool, right?

Yeah. Totally.

Where's the toilet? It was a long bus ride.

This bass is really jogging my insides.

We'll be right back.

Okay.

This is a nightmare of epic proportions.

No, come on, man. It's not that bad.

It's a little Euro-douche- y, but that makes it more-

I'm talking about Nessa, dude.

A, how old is it? Two, did you see the tattoos?

I'm pretty sure the one behind her neck

is the Chinese symbol for Taco Bell.

Did that look infected? It did. Archie.

Archie, this is my moment. Keep it together.

No, it's together. Is it?

I am one solid piece from foot to face, bro.

Do not doubt me. I will fly out of here like a gazelle.

NESSA: Slow down. Stace,

you are glazing them like Christmas hams.

I know. I'm just nervous.

This place is super fancy,

and he's cuter than I thought.

Yeah, he's beautiful, but your boobs

are like two scoops of vanilla ice cream

and your eyes are unholy blue like a witch's.

You are platinum. Everybody knows that.

Thanks, Ness. And Archie's not bad, right?

Yeah, sure, he's hot, white hot.

I could slice him, crawl inside, survive a blizzard.

Okay, let's go get loaded. [GIGGLES]

I know you said you didn't eat,

so I ordered us oysters from the raw bar.

Oh, oysters. Yeah. Help yourself.

Okay. I will.

GAVIN: So this place is pretty cool.

A lot of celebrities supposedly hang out here.

I thought I saw Lindsay Lohan,

but turned out to be one of those big

melting candles, so-

[SLURPS] Mm.

Yeah? Is it good?

Oh, no. Actually,

that is the most disgusting thing

I've ever had in my mouth, and I grew up in the country.

Oh. Oh.

Well, no abductions reported on the NYPD Twitter feed.

Yet. So, either Stacy's date is going well

or else she's duct-taped in the back of someone's trunk.

Brian! BRIAN: Sorry.

That's ridiculous.

You can't fit an adult body in the trunk of a car.

That's only in the movies.

A child maybe, or a little dwarf, but not a grown up.

You could in mine. You could fit an adult,

a dwarf, a pet, and have room for golf clubs.

That's half the reason I bought it.

I doubt that. I really doubt that.

We agree to disagree.

Look, all I'm saying is don't worry about Stacey.

I'm not worried. Just...

making candles. Ha, ha.

? Every time we're out... ?

So is this what you usually do? Hang out in happening places

with raw bars and angry giraffe women?

No. No, I don't.

I thought it would be hip and impress you. But it's-

It's cool. I didn't know this was your thing.

No! This is- This is not my thing.

My thing involves normal-looking people,

sleeping late, and cake for breakfast.

Well, I like cake.

Me too! Yeah.

It's sweet. It's moist. It's-

It's America's fruit.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring us down.

I just- I think I feel a little awkward here is all.

You know, I do have one

potentially humiliating idea how to fix this.

? Sexy ladies, fellas too ?

? Hands in the air Now bust a move ?

So you thought your terrible dance skills would fix things?

I didn't know what else to do.

I'm panic dancing. Is it working?

I think I preferred you legless.

Oh, I can do way worse. Come on.

? Oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ?

? Let me take you where We can breathe the air ?

? We'll be so caught up We won't have a care ?

? I've been waiting For this moment ?

? Way too long Too long ?

? Somehow you got me feeling Like we must belong, yeah ?

? Oh, I wish tonight Could last forever ?

? Live now The rest is just whatever ?

? I know I'm making you Feel better ?

? Keep your heart racing Do some lovemaking ?

? I wish tonight could Last forever. Live now... ?

So do you want another drink?

Or should we go someplace quieter, or-?

You mean, like, your apartment?

Yeah, yeah, my apartment's very quiet. It's like a tomb.

Forget I said "tomb." It's like a library.

There's lots of books, and- Okay.

? The rest is just whatever ?

[SIGHS] Whoo!

How many calories you think we just burned?

Oh, God, you really do have a sickness.

I do not! [LAUGHS]

Eh. Actually, I'm in the mood for a snack.

Something...

[IN UNISON] Sweet.

Oh, that gives me a very naughty idea.

Mm. I'll be right back with round two.

Ooh. Ha-ha-ha.

Here we are, this is my- Whoa!

STACEY: Oh, hi. Oh.

Hi. What's- What's happening?

Where's the beers? Momma's thirsty.

Oh, hi, Stacey.

Oh, hey.

One- Yeah.

I guess you decided to be nice after all.

Yeah, my brain said "No,"

but my lady mouth said, "I'm bored."

Yeah. Archie, let's go!

I've done just about everything I can in there without you.

All right, bro.

Yell if you need me. The safe word is "raisins."

Hi. Milady.

Heh.

All right. This is my room.

STACEY: Wow. That is a lot of pillows for a dude.

Is it? It seems like the normal amount.

Do you want some music? Yeah. Just no Prince.

Guys always play Prince.

Oh. [STOMACH GURGLES]

"Guys" plural do that? That's good to know.

Anyway, I, uh- I had a lot of fun tonight.

Me too.

[STOMACH GURGLES] Mm.

Oh, sorry, sorry. I thought-

No, I just felt a little weird for a second, but I'm fine.

Okay. If you need to lie down, maybe remove your brassiere.

[LAUGHS] Oh!

Um, you know what? I think that oyster-

Yeah? I think I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, gosh. Um...

Oh, God, where's the bathroom?

Oh, no! It's a disaster in there. Don't go-

Oh! Mother of God!

I'm so sorry!

STACEY: What goes on in here?

That's mostly Archie. [STACEY RETCHING]

Uh, sorry. Your father needs honey.

[STACEY CONTINUES RETCHING]

[BANGING AND MOANING]

ARCHIE: Oh, God! You are filth!

NESSA: Come on, big boy.

[STACEY COUGHS]

[VOMIT SPLATTERS]

Thanks for stopping by.

[NESSA MOANS]

[???]

Stacey. Hey.

Oh, hey. It's almost 9.

We have a half an hour to catch our bus.

Okay. Just let me say goodbye.

Oh, no. Don't wake him, Stace.

To be honest, last night you looked slamming,

but now you look like what slides out

after a calf is born.

Ugh. Let him have his memories, okay?

STACEY: I'm just gonna write a note.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Raisins.

She left. Oh, God. The shame! The nausea.

Archie, you don't understand.

No, you don't understand.

She did things. She put things- Uh.

Did Stacey do the same to you?

Did she stick anything?

Archie, I- No, I need to know

whether this is something Nessa does,

or it's a cultural Pennsylvania thing.

If this isn't something country girls do regularly,

I need to see a doctor, pronto.

I don't know. I wouldn't know

because she took off, and we didn't kiss!

Gavin, pull it together! I am on fire

in the most tender of places. This is my moment.

[???]

Are those yours?

We have bagels. Also penicillin.

Ha, that's funny. That's really funny.

Okay, okay, okay. Ooh, ooh. Touchy.

Everything's fine. I'm not fine.

I really like this girl.

Now we're just gonna go back to emails about work.

No. Now you can ask out the Bradley's daughter.

She is very full-figured. You know, in a sensuous way.

Her mother has very powerful legs.

Yeah, I once saw her lift a keg of beer-

Do you find that sensuous?

You find powerful legs sensuous?

MICHAEL: It's beer. You lift a keg of beer...

GAVIN: Dad, I need the car. What for?

I just- I need the car. Please?

You're going for it.

I'm taking the car. Full rom-com.

You adorable little dumpling.

Wait, how many miles? Because-

I don't know. Thank you so much!

It's a lease. GAVIN: All right!

MICHAEL: Oh, well. Okay,

I desperately need a shower.

I'm feeling a little sticky. If you know what I mean.

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

[CAR CHIRPS]

? There's no distance In between ?

? Darling, you and me Make this thing complete ?

? We go drifting out to sea Making memories ?

? Your honey's oh, so sweet ?

? You'll always hold on ?

[HONKING]

The road's for cars. It's a car road. Oh, no.

? Hold on... ?

[RETCHES]

[GASPS] Ah!

I was doing it to the horse- Unh!

It was still sticky.

Ow!

[EXHALES]

? Won't you follow me ?

? Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh ?

? Follow me ?

[???]

Stacey.

Stacey. Stace. Stacey!

Gavin? [GAVIN CHUCKLES]

STACEY: Wha-?

Oh, my stars, your eye.

"Oh, my stars"? You sound like my grandma

cursing at the Wheel of Fortune.

Shut up.

[???]

Stace. Here.

She threw up on the bus. A lot.

Thought there was a little tang.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Your friend took my underwear.

I know. I, uh- I saw.

He owes me new ones. I only wear satin.

I'll pass that along.

Sorry about that. Bad breath. Oh, no. No, no.

Didn't bother me at all,

for some reason. You must really like me.

I guess I must.

So, what do we do now?

I don't know. I guess we'll figure it out.

You see that? Plenty of room.

Is that the boy from New York,

or did she meet someone on the bus?

I don't know. Whoever he is, he's gorgeous.

ALARM: Rape, rape, rape...

[ALARM BLARING]

What'd I tell ya? The rape alarm works!

We're fine.

It's- We- It's consensual.

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