Original subtitles

Oh, no.

Hello?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Eh...

- Nnh. - Ah!

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

Eh.

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello and welcome

to the Taskmaster grand final.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, there are some that say I'm struggling

to write introductions after 20 series,

and to those people, I say this.

I've got a brain for business and a body for sin.

I give out the points to decide who will win.

I'm the Taskmaster, this show's magistrate.

I'm inconsistent cos of my swollen prostate.

APPLAUSE

Who dare to enter my realm of tasks?

Three northerners, a Gen Z and the Sanjeev of Bhasks.

I'll give them all names, I'll give them all hope,

but my allegiance, as ever, remains with the Pope.

So, for the last time,

please welcome our five would-be champions.

Ania Magliano.

Maisie Adam.

Phil Ellis.

Reece Shearsmith.

And Sanjeev Bhaskar.

And next to me,

a man who recently confided in me, in private,

that he likes women who fart.

LAUGHTER

It's...little Alex Horne!

I like all women, I like all women.

- We know each other so well, Greg, don't we? - We do.

Let's find out how well you know me, Greg, with a little quiz.

- Do you want a little quiz? - Oh, is this your chat section?

- Shut your eyes. - Ah.

What colour is my hair, Greg?

It's sort of pepper-pot ginger.

Correct. What colour are my teeth, Greg?

They're sort of an off-white, apart from one,

which is black and folded in on itself.

Correct. And what colour are my eyes, Greg?

Mmm...blue?

No.

They're...they're brown.

You can have a look if you want.

Oh, God.

- Oh. - You've painted brown eyes on your lids, that's it?

And that's the springboard for the grand final?

It's the grand final.

LAUGHTER

OK. What's the prize task category that we've saved for the final?

Well, the only one it could be, Greg.

It has grand final written all over it, as each

of them has brought in their very best tube.

LAUGHTER

Five important grand-final points for the best tube,

and five actual tubes for the episode winner.

Shut up, Alex. Here we go.

All right, then.

Phil.

- Hi. - Before we go any further,

I would like to say you shouldn't grow your hair long.

Because there's some glamorous pirates in this row,

but you look like a man who'd try

and sell me meat out of a bag.

What tube have you brought in? Is it a good tube?

Uh, it's a good old tube of lube. Um...

Oh, my God.

I found it in the park. Uh...

I told you that's where we left it.

Ah. That makes... Yeah.

- Yeah. - This is why it's the best tube,

because you know what kind of situation you're in with lube.

If you're using it to get in something, it's a good day.

If...

LAUGHTER

..if you're using it

- to get out of something, it's a bad day. - Bad day, yeah.

- I think I've got everything I need to know. - Yeah.

- Maisie. - Um,

I've brought my favourite tube of pasta, like...

If you've just brought a tube of pasta in,

then, against all odds, Phil's not getting one point.

No, no, no.

I've made a tu...but, like, I've made it into a tube.

- Let's have a look. - As in the Tube.

With little pasta wheels.

- Yeah, that's good, innit? - APPLAUSE

I know what you're thinking.

You're going, "Maisie, it still looks just

"a bit like pasta," which is why

I've painted it to look like the Tube.

Here we go.

Ah!

It's good. It's good.

- Thank you. - I've got nothing sarcastic to say.

I like the tube of the Tube. Reece?

So, I brought in a test tube

with the umbilical cord of a werewolf.

Here it is.

- Oh! - Oh, God.

- You bought that? - Yeah.

From somebody who told you it was the umbilical cord of a werewolf?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I knew it wasn't, but I... It was a display

made lovingly by someone that crafts this sort of thing.

I thought some bloke up north had licked a Twiglet,

put it in a test tube, given it you for 500 quid.

Yeah.

- I've still got my umbilical cord. - Shut up.

- It's still...it's still attached. I've still, uh, it's... - Uh...

- Are you an innie...? - Oh!

I-I quite often feed myself through it.

- You don't need to use the mouth. - Yeah.

Ania, hello.

I've brought in also a test tube,

but I've brought in a test tube that's,

uh, filled with DNA.

It's DNA that I've harvested myself.

Alex, perhaps you could show the photo of me...

- Yes. - Oh. - This is Ania harvesting DNA.

- Oh. - Found a little hair, haven't you, Ania?

Yeah, I don't know if you recognise that jacket, Greg.

PHIL CHUCKLES

Oh, no.

I thought it'd be good to finally

get some closure on everything that's been going on.

Um, so I sent off your DNA,

alongside some of my DNA, to the lab...

- Yeah. - ..and we've just got some very interesting results.

Here are the DNA results.

The child there, Ania Magliano.

If we zoom in, we can see what they think.

That's high, that is high.

Hello, Daddy.

- Well, that's, uh, genuinely unsettling. - Yeah.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

We'll talk about Christmas later.

Sanjeev.

OK, well, this is my best tube.

This is a tube that contains stories,

history, but also warnings, danger, it's extraordinary.

It is a tube,

- like Ania's, of my DNA. - Yeah.

Here we are.

- I know what it is, I guessed as soon as you started talking. - Oh, no.

- For the third time this series... - Yeah.

- Yes, it's a tube of his... - Here it is.

Once again.

Why is this piss better than your previous pisses?

It's fresher.

- OK. - OK.

Tell me some points, Greg.

I'm very fond of Phil,

but the idea that he's, last minute, grabbed a tube of lube...

Half a tube of lube.

I can't give him more than one.

I'm sort of disgusted by the werewolf,

but I like the story behind it.

I'm used to Sanjeev's urine now,

so the novelty's worn off a little bit,

but I'm gonna give them three points,

both the werewolf umbilical cord and Sanjeev's urine.

- Wow. - Now I think this will reflect very badly on me.

Please put a tube of pasta above your daughter.

LAUGHTER

Greg, you've done that for 27 years already.

I don't know why I'm... I am gonna give the...

- I'm gonna give my daughter four points. - OK.

And I'm gonna give a woman who's made

a Tube out of pasta five.

Well done, Maisie Adam. Five points.

All right, let's get going. Let's get to a task proper.

Yes, well what better way to begin than with

the final team task of the series

and a good old cup of tea or two, or 14.

DUCKS QUACK

- Hi. - Hello.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Ah. - Fancy meeting you here.

Hello.

- What you doing? - Hi, Reece.

- What do you want? - Hi, Maisie.

I want one of you to turn left into the living room

and one of you right into the kitchen.

Bothered?

- I'll go in here. - OK. - I like a kitchen.

You don't have to, that's the wrong answer in this day and age.

Oh, yes. Yes.

- Do you wanna swap it just so that we're...? Yeah. - Do you want it,

- just so you don't get an article about ya? - Yeah, yeah. - Fair enough.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Does anyone feel comfortable being on their own?

I've spent my life on my own, I'm happy with that.

Decision made.

- Let's go in here. - OK.

- Right, good luck. - Good luck.

MAISIE CHUCKLES

- Cups. Tea... Teacups. - Hmm.

Oh, no, I think I've got more responsibility in this.

I'm so nervous about letting Reece down.

- WHISTLE BLOWS - OK.

"Make exactly the same-looking drinks as your team-mate's drinks."

"Your team-mate must make exactly

"the same-looking drinks as your drinks."

"Your entire team may only open two doors."

May only open two doors.

What does that mean?

Most similar-looking drinks wins.

You have 15 minutes.

Your time starts now.

Wish I hadn't gone on my own now.

I made a terrible decision.

APPLAUSE

Were you really afraid of letting me down?

Often, Maisie is very worried about keeping you happy.

She's quite frightened of me.

Cos you're fucking terrifying!

- Let's get going. - Let's start with the team of two.

They've been a true power couple so far.

Let's see how they got on in their final team task.

- MAISIE RETCHES - Maisie?

- Hello? - So, have you got

the same task as me, it's about making the same drink?

Yeah, have you got seven drinks in front of you?

Yes, I have.

Of different colours?

- No. - Oh.

Right, OK. So, you've got the drinks, probably,

and I have to make the drinks to make them like your drinks.

- Yes. - OK, so start with the first drink on the left.

Like a cranberry juice.

OK, so I'm gonna look in the fridge

for some cranberry juice.

- I'm opening it. - Uh, yeah.

You've opened one door.

Right, look for any of these things, Reece.

- Yeah. - Cranberry juice, tomato soup,

anything that's like a bright green...

None of those things you've said so far are in this fridge.

Then it's a cup of coffee, but it's frothy,

so I think that's like a latte with milk.

Well, where am I gonna get that from out of a cupboard?

Well, I don't know. Skip that one.

I'm a bit worried about leaving a fridge door open so long.

Things will start going off.

Oh, I've set him off now.

You've got, like, teriyaki sauce.

Would that be like a brown drink?

Yeah, that could be the last one.

Bob that in number seven.

- OK, I'm doing it now. - Keep the doors open. - Yeah.

Yeah, it's teriyaki, I've just smelt it.

Oh, well, good. One done.

- So, I've got tomato ketchup. - Yes, take that out.

Oh, look. Here we are.

Can you hear me?

Yes! Yes, I can hear you.

Hello, Reece.

- Can't hear you? - Maisie talking.

- Um, what? - Maisie talking. - Uh!

- Right, there you are, I've got you. - Right. I reckon go to a cupboard...

- Oh, God. - ..and we're looking for cranberry sauce, tomato soup.

Right, but the problem is, though, Maisie,

there's about three cupboards and I don't know which one to pick.

It's literally a guess... guessing game.

I'm just gonna open one that looks like it's got things in it.

I'm opening it now. This could be the end of the game.

It's the end of the game.

What's in there?

I've opened the wrong one, Maisie,

and there's nothing in it apart from plates.

So, now what we've got is teriyaki sauce, tomato sauce and some milk.

Is there anything that looks like

tomato sauce and we'll start with that?

Right, number two,

go 50% tomato sauce, mix it with

a load of water from the sink.

And then I reckon number one,

put a tiny bit of ketchup in

and then the rest water, cos it's sort of a clear-ish red.

Oh.

Number five is a cup of tea.

Right, I'll try and do a tea.

What are you making your tea with, Reece?

Teriyaki and some milk.

It's going to look like tea.

What's number three?

Tea that has just had the bag in, but nothing else.

Can you do that?

- Ah. - Right, you've found the tea, have you, now?

I can do that. There was tea all along.

The penultimate one, it's like a frothy coffee.

Maybe just spit in it.

I don't think my spit's bubbly.

You've got one minute left.

OK, right. So, number four, I'll neck the green,

and then it's just both empty cups, isn't it?

Do that, that's brilliant.

SHE BURPS

I think we've done it.

WHISTLE BLOWS That's your time up.

SHE COUGHS Are you all right, Maisie?

Yeah.

I think it was cucumber.

Ey, you know what?

- Have we done OK? Have we? - Come and look. That's not bad, actually.

Oh, Reece, we've smashed it!

- I think that's good. - That's banging.

- So, which cupboard did you open? - Oh, it was this one.

- Imagine at this point... - But you can see through here!

Well, this is what I thought. It was a trick.

Thank you, team.

I do feel a bit queasy.

I bet you do.

APPLAUSE

See, she's no doormat, really, is she?

No, not at all.

Although, we did have yet another, "Oh, I've set him off now."

It's like some abusive, like, terrible ogre.

You are, though. It is funny.

Like, you opened the fridge, which Maisie can't see,

and you went, "Oh, none of the things you've said

"are in this fridge!"

Like it's her fault!

- It's frustration. It comes out in different ways. - Yeah.

I mean, they were pretty good, though.

- Yeah. - As far as I could see.

Well, considering they opened

a fridge and a cupboard full of plates.

That's a hell of a start to this task.

We're off for a break now,

so that means you are too.

We'll see you in a minute.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the final, and we're

in the middle of a final team task.

Whoa, you've gotta be kidding me!

Yes, the... LAUGHTER

..the task is to make exactly

the same-looking drinks in the kitchen

as the drinks in the living room.

The entire team may only open two doors.

Most similar-looking drinks wins.

Now, for the final time, it's Ania, Phil and Sanjeev.

Phil?

Bear with me.

The first one has no flavour,

but it's warm.

It's about the same heat as urine. Fresh.

Oh, wait a minute...

..I could just open this door, couldn't I?

I think one of our doors might have to be the fridge door.

Oh, that's cle... I was, yeah,

I'm really glad I didn't just open the cupboard behind me now.

Yeah, don't do anything.

Oh, dear. Um...

Oh, God. I'm scared.

I don't like leaving him unattended.

Oh, wait a minute.

Why don't you just bring them here,

and I'll just pour mine into yours?

What if we pour exactly half?

Yeah, we can do that.

That's easy then, innit?

Ha-ha! Suckers!

LAUGHTER

Oh!

Looks like he's having some trouble.

One door open.

We're opening our second door.

- Yeah. - You may open no more doors.

How much time have we got left, Alex?

- Seven minutes. - Seven minutes. Ooh.

What about that?

- Oh, yeah that's good. - Oh, good.

Well, let's see how much is in each one with that.

You've got a little bit of dribble on your rim there.

- If you want to be pedantic. - On the urine.

You see what I mean, it's the same warmth, isn't it?

Oh, it is, actually.

- It's like when you give a medical sample. - Yeah, yeah.

I got a text the other day asking for my stool sample. And, uh...

- No, just stop there. - It was just a good text, we'll leave it at that.

That's really good. What we've done is amazing.

There's a minute left but you can leave at any point.

OK.

Are you just doing the washing up now?

- I am. - That's nice. - Ten seconds left.

- WHISTLE BLOWS Task is over. - Thanks... Oh.

- Thank you, team. - Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

Go team!

Before the VT started, I wrote down, "Not to be negative,

"but I predict Phil will be shit at this."

And then, within seconds, Ania said,

"I don't like leaving him unattended."

- Unattended. - I don't.

- But he had a brilliant idea. - Yeah.

Just whip across, pour them in.

- Yeah. - It was just, uh, a work of genius.

Are you sure that was me?

It was you.

I think so. We didn't see that coming as well.

I didn't see that as a possible solution.

Very frustrating.

And, by the end of the task,

- it was just a lovely family dynamic. - Yeah.

Dad did the washing up while the two...

..the two kids talked about wee and poo.

I really feel like you're the father who left me

and Sanjeev is the father who raised me.

LAUGHTER

Really good. Both teams were great,

but, obviously, the team of three...

- Yeah. - ..knocked it out of the park.

Although, I would say nearly all of them were fantastic.

- Oh, for f... - Oh. - Ooh.

- What? - Well, I couldn't help but notice...

Oh, don't do this.

- ..this. - What?

Um...

Straw, straw.

There must be a straw here.

AUDIENCE GASP

Oh!

Suddenly, this daddy's looking a bit more attractive, isn't he?

- Oh, my God. - Was it just me?

- Oh, just you, yeah. - No-one else opened a door, Sanjeev.

- Oh, my. - Oh, OK. - Yeah.

I told you to watch him,

you know he doesn't know what's going on half the time.

- LAUGHTER - So, what happens now?

You're disqualified, I'm afraid.

All of us?

Ooh.

- Team of three, yeah. - Oh, my God.

- Yes, Reece! - Yes.

It's a tragedy, yeah,

and it's really unfortunate.

But accidents happen

and that's the nature of the team task.

Sanjeev doesn't look that bothered.

Couldn't give a shit!

Sanjeev!

You have an OBE, some of us need this.

This is gonna go on my gravestone.

- There you go. - So, the scores are zero for the team of three

and five for the team of two.

- I'm afraid so. - Well done, Maisie. Well done, Reece. - Wow.

Sorry. Sorry.

Can't be helped. Scoreboard, please.

Yes, well, in terms of the series,

there's only one point separating the top two players.

- Ah! - Ooh.

- And all five are still fairly close. It's exciting. - Oh.

In this episode, Maisie's in the lead with ten.

Right. Next!

It's time to make this final suck...

..in a good way!

- Hello. - Maisie.

Great to see you.

- Nice to see you. - We get on well, don't we?

For legal reasons, yes.

- Oh. - Oh.

Why haven't I got an envelope with some wax on it?

- Ran out. - Right.

"Drink almost all the apple juice."

"You must not touch the cup

"and the cup must not move."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

"Pythagoras, hands off." That's a clue.

Now, if my geography serves me correctly, Pythagoras is

a pretty cool island,

very rich in iron ore.

Think we're gonna smash it.

APPLAUSE

Well, I mean, I won't pretend that I got it,

but it's a clue, right? The mug is a clue.

Hmm, yes. The Pythagoras mug.

First up to slurp nearly all

the apple juice, it's my favourite musical artists,

Enya and Jay-Z.

Here we go.

Well, I don't think I should lick it up like a cat.

I need a straw, essentially. I can move.

Is there a straw anywhere?

Oh.

Underneath. There's a straw in there.

Is that a straw, under there?

I've not looked.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah.

Fucking hell.

I can't do it.

LAUGHTER

Ooh!

Ah.

I've got apple in me ear.

Oh... Oh, it's really in there.

SHE SPLUTTERS

SHE LAUGHS

It's gone. Oh, it's still there?

I don't think you've drunk almost all of it yet.

Oh, you want me to lick it out of the litter tray?

This is degrading now.

SHE SIGHS

Hang on, I can touch that, though, can't I?

"Must not touch the cup and the cup..." Ah, yeah, fine.

Oh, there we go.

It does look like I'm drinking cat litter wee.

I've stopped the clock.

Bossed it.

- A bit in the ear, but no problem. Most of it in my mouth. - Yeah.

JUICE SWISHES IN EAR Oh, yeah.

Listen to that.

We've done all right, there.

You know, not a lot of dignity there,

but they seemed fast.

They didn't really use the Pythagoras clue.

Well, look, it's a confusing task, there's no doubt about that.

What that thing is is a special Pythagoras cup.

If you fill it over a certain level, it suddenly syphons down.

If you suck from the bottom, it suddenly plunges forth.

But you lapped it up like cats.

I wonder if Phil's gonna make this easy.

Now, as advised by several professional people, we have put

Phil all by himself. Here we go.

Oh, God.

Right, that's not a cup.

That is a cup.

- That...I think that's apple juice. - OK.

I can't...I haven't any got sense of smell,

I got hit by a football when I was nine.

What's this? Why is that there?

That's nothing. That was a mislead.

I don't think...

I think I'm missing something.

Can I leave the room?

All the information's on the table.

"Fastest wins. Your time starts..." Oh, I could've just left the room.

OK. What are you gonna get?

Well, weirdly, I was thinking tissue and then soak it up

and squirt it in my mouth, but maybe just a straw.

Well, look, the clock's ticking.

Is there any straws?

Why is there never anything you need?

I'm gonna smash this.

I panicked. Don't know why I've got the funnel.

- What is that? - This looks like it's used to...

..give a...give a cow a child.

I've never seen it before.

Oh.

Almost all. That's almost.

What did it have to do with him?

Have you finished?

Almost.

I've stopped the clock. Well done, Phil.

It's like watching

a deleted scene from Oliver, sometimes.

Just this urchin looking round

a posh house, not understanding anything.

I've had so many insights over

the last few weeks into your childhood.

You can't smell cos you got hit in the head by a football?

- Yeah. - Can you not smell at all?

- No. - OK.

Although I smell five points afoot.

Did he get it down him, the juice?

Yes, he drunk nearly all of it. The times so far...

Ania, one minute 39.

Maisie, two minutes 13.

Phil, 14 minutes 55.

Oh, fuck.

OK. That's halfway through this grand final.

Be brave, be strong...

Be-eee go-oood.

Hello!

Oh, hello, everyone.

Welcome to the third part of our final

and a task involving the consumption of apple juice.

Ooh, yeah. Big time, seriously.

And we end with two Goliaths from

the world of celebrity juice-drinking,

Reece and Sanjeev.

OK. So... Well, the theory of Py...Pythagoras,

I think, is something about displacement, isn't it?

If I pour water into there,

more diluted apple juice will...

..pour out

and I could start trying to drink it.

OK.

What?

LAUGHTER

Ah!

- It's gone. - Have you drunk almost all of it?

Almost all, but there's a bit left.

I've stopped the clock.

I guess I didn't need to do the thing of leaning under it

and dr...supping from the fountain, did I?

No.

But I did.

- There you go. - Is that almost all?

- It's almost all. - Do you know what just happened?

It's the...it's Bernoulli's theorem.

It's about displacement. And water pressure, yeah.

How are we spelling Bernoulli?

However you like. It's exactly how it, uh, sounds.

Bernoulli's theorem.

Um, can I have a wee now?

- Yeah, I need one too. - Excellent.

CHEERING

Count...countless television appearances.

What a career. And now this.

Dr Displacement.

That was textbook.

Sanjeev was completely correct.

It is the Bernoulli principle. I'd never heard of it, he had.

You must be more excited about this victory than...

No, I don't know if I've opened a bloody cupboard door, mate!

I'll tell you now, you're safe.

- Am I? - Yeah.

I'm still feeling bad about the cupboard door,

- for these guys. - Aw.

Reece... Again, knew about displacement.

- Yeah. - And then, as soon as

the stream started, complete breakdown.

Yeah.

I just went straight mouth to stream and was sucking on it.

I really enjoyed it, though. Uh...

Yeah.

- It was quite... - Like a robot had malfunctioned.

Exactly. I'm just glad that I then

did think to drink it from the bowl.

- So, good. - Yeah. - Well, we know who's won.

So, Phil, yes, one point.

You were 15 minutes, almost.

Maisie, two minutes 13.

Reece, you were two minutes ten. Just three seconds quicker than Maisie.

Oh, Reece.

Ania, we know. One minute 39.

Sanjeev,

45 seconds!

CHEERING

Dr Displacement has struck.

- Ah! - Ay!

LAUGHTER

I can barely bring myself to ask,

but please may we have the last task?

It's sad, but it's also exciting, because,

and get ready, this one involves the word

whence.

- Whence. - Ooh.

- Ooh. - You like that?

Yeah.

- It's just floating there. - Yes.

- What? - Oh, this is good.

"Make water squirt out of you in a surprising way."

"In 15 minutes, Alex will guess

"whence the water will squirt."

- Whence. - Whence. - Whence.

I think I know what whence means, but I'm not sure.

"For every incorrect guess, you may squirt him

"for one second at the end of the task."

"Longest time squirting Alex wins."

That shouldn't even be a sentence.

"Your time starts now."

Magic.

APPLAUSE

What's going on with you?

Ever since you got your new laptop, it's all...

- It's so fast. - ..it's all weird sexy stuff, isn't it?

I've seen... I've seen so much recently.

All right. Let's see Alex using the show to get his kicks.

Yes, please. We're starting with Ania's pipes

and Reece's pieces.

I can see pipes, I can see tubes.

I'm gonna make my first guess.

I think the water is gonna come out of the chest tube.

Wrong? That's one second of squirting.

Did you enjoy "chest tube"?

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

- How you doing? - I'm all right. How are you doing?

I'm good, yeah.

So, I think the water is gonna squirt out of the mouth tube.

OK. Reece.

Yeah.

Are you gonna squirt me from your nose?

No.

- Out of the elbow pipe? - No.

Are you gonna squirt me from your groin?

Well, let's see, shall we?

- No. - Nothing coming? - Nothing.

Actually there was a bit, but no.

I'm going with right trouser leg tube, please.

- Negative. - I can't help but notice there is

- a hose going out of this and over there? - Yes.

You know what? I'm gonna follow... I'm gonna follow the hose.

- OK, yeah. - I've got to follow the hose. - Follow the hose.

It goes in there. So, it goes up, it goes...

I'm not sure you can dismantle me.

Put that back in. That might be part of something. Thank you.

Right, so the hose is a red herring.

Well, could be.

Well, it is. I've just pulled it out.

This is good, the tables have turned.

I've given you all the information.

LAUGHTER

Your time has started.

- I'm going round the back. - There's still some more on

the front that you haven't seen, even.

- Um, I am going round the back. - OK.

Ah, yeah. Hello.

Ania, is the water gonna squirt out of the back of your head?

Yes.

Well, it's gonna do that for eight seconds.

- Yeah. - So, well done, you. - Thank you.

Is it gonna come out of your foot?

HE SIGHS

You've got it.

Yeah. Thank you very much.

Another terrifying character...

- Yes. - ..to add.

Well, it was all about the ruses and the pipes that led to nothing.

- Yeah. - That was what you had to...

And yet, for the vast majority of it,

I just couldn't take my eyes off the nose.

Yes. It was quite dominant, wasn't it? Yeah.

How many seconds of squirting did he gain himself?

- It took 14 guesses to find the tube. - Wow.

And eight guesses, of course, with Ania,

- after I... - Ania. - ..asked permission to go round the back.

Yes.

Making something that wasn't creepy so creepy.

Who's next?

It's now time for the cheesy guys,

Phil-adelphia Ellis and Maisie Edam.

Oh.

Hello.

I see.

Well, let's start with this guy.

What's that one the, uh...?

Little yellow thigh one.

Yellow thigh?

Mm-hm.

No.

- Hi. - Hi, Phil.

You all right? It's funny when you walk into a situation.

- I like it. - Mm, I don't.

Quite a lot of, uh, ends of hoses.

Well, you never know, do you? You never know with a hose.

It looks like that's where it goes, the hose.

The hose goes where my rosemary grows.

Is that where your rosemary grows?

Yeah, it tastes rank.

- Head tube. - Think it's the head tube?

No dice, baby.

Let's go for a fish.

- A fish? - This fish.

- My sternum fish? - Mm-hm.

No.

- Penguin. - On the head? - Yes.

No.

Right shoulder.

Wrong shoulder, baby.

- This one. - That's another guess.

I'm just gonna check round the back.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I'd like to put my hand in there.

I'd like you to.

- Right wrist. - No.

- Left wrist. - No.

- Can I have a delve? - It's a welcome mat. Crack on.

I just want to see if it's going up or down.

I don't know if you're allowed...

That was my penis.

- Right elbow. - No.

- Left elbow. - No.

Racking them seconds up, Alex.

- 25... 39, 40, 41. - Yeah. - ..27, 28, 29.

I mean, I can see that some

of these aren't going anywhere. 30, 31, 32, 33, 34.

Quick check round the back.

I...

Maisie, are you going to squirt me out of your arse?

Yeah.

OK. 21 seconds of squirting...

21 seconds?

Yeah.

I can see a crease in your left boot.

Oh, hello. We've got a winner.

- So... - 45 seconds.

45 seconds?

I don't think I feel comfortable wasting that much water.

There's been a few tasks

in this series where Maisie looked incredibly pleased

with herself and smug, and it's always ended in disaster.

- But that time, well deserved. - Yep.

Pleased with herself throughout,

and then delighted that she's gonna squirt you from her arse.

And as for the porcupine poet of squirting...

- Similar tactic, to cover himself in stuff. - Yeah.

And some lovely messages for the kids, there.

"Are you gonna put your hand in there?"

"I'd like to." "I'd like you to."

That's consent.

APPLAUSE

Just one more small part left.

Who will squirt Alex for the longest?

Who will win the trophy?

And who will take home the last

and, I imagine, the strongest

of Sanjeev's urine samples?

Stay tuned.

Hello. Here we are then,

the last part of our final

and our 20th adventure together,

my little friend.

SYNTH BEAT PLAYS

- We got it together, didn't we, babe? - We got it together.

Finally.

LAUGHTER

Here we go, then. Just one more person for me

to guess from whence the water will come.

And it is Sanjeev Bhaskar like you've never seen him before.

Hi, Sanjeev.

OK.

Sanjeev, my first guess, are you gonna squirt me from your mouth?

Are you gonna squirt me out of your sort of eyes?

Are you gonna squirt me out of your bosoms?

From your tummy?

Can I see your hands?

Right, well... OK, so...

You've got lots of water balloons on your...strapped to your chest.

Are you gonna squirt me from your chest area?

From your legs?

From your behind?

Armpits?

Flanks?

Flanks?

Flanks.

No.

Would you mind opening up a little bit more for me?

Right.

Are you going to squirt me from your crotch?

Feet? Ears? Hands?

Knees? Neck? Shins?

Nape? From your hips? Top of the head?

Lower back? Shoulders? Tummy button?

Nostrils? Forehead?

That is all of you.

Are you gonna squirt me?

From your body?

From here to here?

This side of you? Right, OK.

OK. Elbow?

You're gonna squirt me from your elbow?

Whew, OK.

You're... Oh.

Flanks? Flanks?

I would add another 20 minutes onto that for your sheer desperation.

Another character that will endure, I'm sure.

Who was that man of mystery?

Flanks.

Flanks?

He was so upset by me suggesting flanks.

I just think, generally, they're irritated by you this series.

Yeah. I agree with that.

You didn't stand a chance.

Yeah, there were 29 guesses. So, it's another nearly

half a minute of squirting I'm gonna have in a second.

Points-wise, Ania, just the one point.

It's two to Reece with his 14 questions,

three to Maisie, four to Sanjeev.

But Phil, with his 45 questions, five points.

Here they are, then. Your class of series 20

simply squirting.

Water on, please.

LAUGHTER

Squirt.

This is the best fun I've had yet.

Four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13...

APPLAUSE

You keep on aiming for the face.

I'm trying to open my eyes to look at my watch.

No. You're not allowed.

Three seconds left.

- I'm happy with that. - Mm.

Thank you very much, Sanjeev.

Thank you for squirting me for 29 seconds.

Triumph.

Did you piss yourself?

I didn't piss myself, Ania.

I'm 46.

Finally. That's another one off the bucket list.

Now all I've got to do is marry a swan.

I need length!

It's difficult to know who enjoyed it the most, isn't it, really?

All my dreams came true.

But the...the targeted crotch squirting from Reece was good.

But facially, the person enjoying it most,

was you.

You looked like a 12-year-old.

- Oh. - She was so accurate.

- All so great. - So satisfying.

Hmm.

Series-wise, there is still just one point in it at the top.

- Oh. - What? - Oh. Ooh.

OK, everyone, I'm afraid it's time for you all

to make your way to the stage

for the final task of the series.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a lovely collection of final pirates.

Who's gonna read the task out?

I think Reece is gonna read the final task.

A correspondence.

"Respond to the Taskmaster correctly.

"When he says wibble, you say bibble.

"When he says bibble, you say bam.

"When he says bam, you say wibble bibble bam.

"If you dither or err, you are eliminated.

"Last player standing wins."

So, Greg will look at one of you,

and that's who he's talking to.

You must respond correctly and quickly.

If there's too much of a pause, you will be eliminated.

If you make a mistake, you're out

and you have to sit on the elimination bench over there.

- Wibble bam. - I will blow the whistle if there's a mistake.

Wibble bibble bam.

Here we go.

- Wibble. - Bibble.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Wibble. - Bam.

- WHISTLE BLOWS - Fuck.

APPLAUSE

It's always bibble after wibble.

That is cruel.

Now there are four.

- Wibble. - Bibble.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Wibble. - Bibble.

Bam.

Wibble bibble bam.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Wibble. - Bibble.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

Bibble.

Bib...bam.

WHISTLE BLOWS AUDIENCE: Oh!

Unlucky.

That was impressive, really.

What a terrible day for feminism.

LAUGHTER

Silence!

Wenches on the benches.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bibble. - Wibble.

- W-w-wait a second. - I went wrong.

- We've lost Reece. - Oh. - He said, "Bibble," he said, "Wibble."

- Oh, he's gone. - That's not right, surely.

I protest, Your Majesty!

APPLAUSE

- This is the final. - Here we go.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Wibble. - Bibble.

- Wibble. - Bibble.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Wibble. - Bibble.

- Bibble. - Bam.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bam. - Wibble bibble bam.

- Bibble. - Wibble.

- Wibble. - WHISTLE BLOWS

- Oh! - Oh!

Aye, yay!

You soft-haired lovely.

Congratulations.

We'll add that to the final scores. Come down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Whoo. - Oh.

What a climax to the series.

I was genuinely shaking afterwards.

Yeah, but well done. Five points, of course, to Phil Ellis.

CHEERING

And so, we'll deal with the episode first, I imagine.

Of course. It means that in joint second,

with 16 points,

it's Reece and Sanjeev.

But the winner...

..with 17 points,

it's Maisie Adam!

Maisie Adam wins the episode.

Please stroll up to the stage to be triumphant with your tubes.

CHEERING

Whoo!

Ra-aaa-ah!

Hello, my friends.

The crowning of a new Taskmaster champion is

a historic event which we celebrate just twice a year.

That's right, quite often.

But it remains of great significance,

and so, now, I call upon my administrator, Alex.

- Mm. - Just how close was this?

I must tell you that in fifth place,

but just a handful of points away from the others...

..one of my all-time heroes, it's Sanjeev Bhaskar

with 143 points.

Just five points ahead of Sanjeev, with 148 points...

..another of my heroes, it's Reece Shearsmith.

And only a few points above that, with 151 points,

it's Phil Ellis...

..and Maisie Adam...

We both came second.

..and Ania Magliano!

- What? - We all got joint?

- What? - Joint? - Joint first. - Are we joint?

We've joint won?

It's never happened before.

It is a series tie-break.

A three-way.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's the most important tie-break in the world.

We want you to think back

and tell us how many letter T's are there

in the portrait of me and Greg in the living room?

- Oh. - Are you fucking joking? - Come on.

Closest wins.

You're gonna have some cards to write down your answers.

What do you mean, T's?

The letter T. There are...

As in it's actually written down?

There were letter T's on the picture

the whole time you were there.

They were hidden within the painting.

And what, uh, roughly how many is it?

Write down a number, nice and clear,

and then keep it to yourself.

Philip?

How many T's were hidden in the painting?

Maisie?

Ania?

Here is the picture.

You can see a T here,

here,

here on my dungarees.

Oh.

- Here on the doorbell. - Oh.

And that is all the T's. There are four T's.

We have a winner!

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, wow.

The new Taskmaster champion

- is Maisie Adam! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media