Original subtitles

Oh, no.

Hello?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Eh...

Nnh. Agh.

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

Ah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, hello, welcome to Taskmaster,

I'm Greg Davies, and I've got beef.

I've got beef, I've got lamb, I've got pork and I've got chicken.

Who wants chicken?

HE GABBLES QUICKLY LIKE AN AUCTIONEER

Welcome to Taskmaster.

Expect the unexpected,

but also expect the following people -

they are Ania Magliano,

Maisie Adam,

Phil Ellis,

Reece Shearsmith

and Sanjeev Bhaskar.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,

a man who, according to fan fiction on the internet,

I am in and out of like a sewing machine...

LAUGHTER

..it's Little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone. I shall deal with the correspondence.

Wow, so many questions this week.

So, let's have some frequently asked questions to Little Alex Horne.

# FAQs for the LAH... # FAQs to the LAH.

# Yes, the FAQS for the LAH. #

OK, so we've got a question here from Jeremy.

I... I have such genuine contempt for you sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK. Question here from Jeremy in Egypt,

who says, "Did you do anything special

"for dinner last night, Alex?"

And I did, Jeremy.

I had Stephen Fry for dinner, so...

Stir fry! I had stir fry for dinner. Next question.

# FAQS for the LAH. #

Oh, and Jeremy has asked another question.

He... He says, "Did you have the...?"

Oh, he already heard my answer. "Did you have the stir fry with anyone?"

And I did. I had it with Anneka Rice.

With SPECIAL fried rice!

LAUGHTER

What are you writing?

I've written 20 series,

and that was the worst start of all of them. Worst start.

Right, let us begin with the proceedings.

Off we go. It's prize task time,

and the category is, "The most respected item

"that retains its credibility when you talk about it

"in a high-pitched voice."

Respectability and credibility, in the face of

high-frequency soliloquies -

it's as simple as that, guys.

Five points for the best one,

and all five items will still go home with the episode winner.

Maisie, what is your respected item?

HIGH-PITCHED: Well, I've brought in a...

This is the task, no?

HIGH-PITCHED: OK, do you want me to...? Yeah.

Do you want me to go high as well? Uh,

well, I don't know if it lessens my high voice if you're also high.

DEEP VOICE: Maybe I go deep.

I didn't like the eye contact when you said,

"Maybe I go deep."

LAUGHTER

Um, so I've brought in a wonderful, and authentic,

uh, signed photo of Aled Jones.

Here it is. Um...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Obviously, he's most well known for the, um,

Walking In The Air song,

which is pretty much up here.

Yeah, uh, is he credible - Aled?

Credible? Yeah.

He's a national treasure.

He didn't sing the one in the film, though.

He re-recorded it and released it out. Yeah, well, less about that.

Oh, I don't wanna...

Oh, my God, someone's lost their credibility.

Sanjeev.

Well, you know that, you know, uh, from previous episodes

what my attitude to this show has been. It can be summed up...

It can be summed up by, "I've got an OBE. Why am I here?"

LAUGHTER

So, uh, in that vein, let me show you. It's a book.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Look. ALL: Aw.

It's puppies and kittens.

What?

And on the back, just to kind of

help it is... Look. Sanjeev.

Sorry... Sa...

LAUGHTER

Look, look, look at the little one down there.

I feel a lot better now.

You are off the hook, my friend.

I have never seen a puppy in a park and picked it up

and gone, "Aw, aw, it's so credible."

You've brought some terrible prize tasks in,

but this is a new low.

Ania.

Hello.

What have you brought in that I will respect?

HIGH-PITCHED: I've made a rug.

LAUGHTER

She genuinely did make that.

APPLAUSE

It's modelled on a specific Boots store, is that right?

Piccadilly Circus.

LAUGHTER

I think it's an incredible shop.

Boots has been around for generations, hasn't it?

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

We get it, we get it. You're young.

APPLAUSE

What I will say is that

I think, in this society that we live in, it's become quite

a godless state.

Something has filled the gap of church

and I think it's Boots.

Against all odds, this is the strongest one so far.

Phil.

HIGH-PITCHED: I've brought in...

..my nana's headstone.

LAUGHTER

Yep, yes, he has.

I mean, obviously, this is not her real gravestone, but you... I mean...

Well, my mum and dad had never got one,

so I thought I'd get one.

What? They just tossed her in a hole, and...?

When we lowered it in, I remember my mum went,

"That's a bit deeper than normal," and my auntie went,

"Yeah, I've asked them to go deeper, so I can go in on top of her."

LAUGHTER

So my auntie is buried on top of my nana,

with the two chihuahuas.

Oh, my God, this is all true, isn't it?

It's true, yeah.

And we're fine with there being

a picture of Winston Churchill on the...? Yeah, what?

Do you know, I'd never seen the resemblance

until you mentioned it, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Incredible. Phil.

Um, Reece...

Yes, well, I began... I'm not doing the voice for now,

but I began, uh, thinking,

"What was a respectable item?"

So, I proceeded to create

a one-off, limited edition, commemorative plate

for the coronation of

the King Charles and the Queen Consort Camilla.

Beautiful. LAUGHTER

And then, I thought, "Well, who better to voice,

"in a high-pitched manner, this?"

So I asked Joe Pascale.

LAUGHTER

Who better? Yeah.

This decorative 12-inch commemorative plate features

two detailed portraits of King Charles III and Queen Camilla

wearing their magnificent crowns.

Perfect for serving of sandwiches or a big pile of rich teas. Hmm.

LAUGHTER

Pascale!

Wow, and this is almost impossible to score.

OK, one point to Sanjeev.

One point to Sanjeev, OK.

I'm going to give two points to Maisie. OK.

I'm gonna give Ania and Reece four points.

Four to Ania, four to Reece.

And I'm using this task to give Hetty

the respect she was not afforded

by whoever tossed her in a hole in the ground,

and these five points are for Hetty.

There we go. Well done, Phil Ellis.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's get tasking.

Here we go, and lucky us, it's time to get trollied. Mm.

Maisie. How are ya?

Really good.

Hello.

OK.

Trolley.

Yeah, it's a nice trolley.

Right.

Ahem.

"Build a tower of bricks on this trolley,

"then push it down the slope."

"You may not touch the trolley after it passes the start line."

Is that the start line up there?

Yeah, that's the start line, yeah. OK.

"The tallest tower that passes the finish line wins."

"As well as bricks, all the contents of one

"of these bins must be part of your tower, but nothing else."

"You may only look inside the bins once

"and only for as long as you can scream."

"You must replace each lid before looking in the next bin.

"You have a total of ten minutes

"and three attempts during which you must also scream."

"Your time starts when Alex screams."

OK.

So... ALEX SCREAMS

Oh, my God!

ALEX SCREAMS

MAISIE SCREAMS

ALEX SCREAMS God.

"Build a tower of bricks on this trolley."

Where are all the other bricks?

ALEX SCREAMS, BIRD SQUAWKS

There was a lot for me to be distracted by in that set-up.

Alex's screaming in particular was disturbing.

Never done it before. Yeah.

Love to scream.

Give it a go. HE SCREAMS

All right, I'm ready. Here we go.

Right, first to attack the stack

are Ania and let's have Phil. Hmm.

Let's start screaming.

Screaming for the whole time? For the whole time.

PHIL AND ANIA SCREAM

SCREAMING CONTINUES

Stop.

I didn't actually see what that was.

And I think I did a little wee from screaming so hard.

STRAINED SCREAMING

HE SIGHS Lovely stuff.

I've forgotten what was in the bins. Yeah. Kettle?

Ce...that said cement.

There's no point with cement,

cos I don't really have time to mix it.

I'm gonna go with cement. OK.

SHE GASPS Oh, my God!

It's actually like I get to make it.

OK, well, should I build it up there then maybe? If you want.

Do you want me to bring any bricks or not? Yes, please.

How many? All of them. Well...

I'm gonna go for the Top Cat bin.

Oh, this is bullshit! HE LAUGHS

Ohh.

OK, now we're talking.

Oh!

Oh! HE LAUGHS

Er, this isn't cement.

That's flour, by the way.

Yeah, don't taste everything.

So, these are really useful, cos look...

Oh, I've got two more bricks.

Yeah, you don't have to use all the bricks.

Have I made a terrible error?

Well, you've got to get it down that slope in the next three minutes

and ten seconds. Oh, I've got to get it up the slope as well!

And down the slope. I've got to get it up!

Two and a half minutes.

How do you turn it? How do you turn a trolley?

This is worse than the ones I steal from Lidl!

That... Right. Bit of class.

You've only got time for one go. You've got ten seconds.

OK. Oh, I've got to do it during this time? Absolutely.

Oh, I thought I was just waiting!

Right. HE SCREAMS

Move, move, move!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS FEEBLY

PHIL AND ANIA SCREAM

Move, move, move!

PHIL LAUGHS

I nearly killed the whole crew!

It went so much worse than I thought it was gonna go.

It wasn't a very sturdy structure.

It's only cos it went off piste.

OK, thanks, Ania. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I mean, we've said it many times. Crew are dispensable, right?

LAUGHTER

But you both genuinely almost hurt them.

Watching it back it looks like a targeted attack.

LAUGHTER

Phil's scream was full-throated, like a mighty bear, I thought.

Oh, thank you. You, you sound exactly like a 1970s camping kettle.

LAUGHTER

Really took me back to childhood holidays.

HE IMITATES ANIA'S SCREAM

Phil's did just about cross the line. Oh.

Ania's didn't cross the line at all.

And don't I get points for mine looking quite flamboyant

and exciting as it went down?

Absolutely not. No.

OK, break time.

And, statistically, we will spend

nearly four years of our lives watching adverts.

Also, kangaroos have three vaginas.

BOTH: Interesting facts!

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster,

where the current task involves stacking bricks on a trolley

and shoving it down a hill.

Yes, it's absolutely safe

and almost no crew were in danger.

Tallest tower past the finish line wins.

Finally, then, it's the three-card trick of Maisie,

Reece and Sanjeev.

Ready?

REECE AND SANJEEV SCREAM

No, no, no, scream's finished.

HE SCREAMS

HE EXHALES

SHE SCREAMS

Right, you...you didn't have to scream while you...

Oh, I didn't have to keep screaming whilst using it?

Only while looking in it. Oh!

Right. Oh.

Shout if you want any builder's gloves.

Might be good to have builder's gloves.

I've got some here for you.

All right, well, go on, then.

This is the first time I've ever done manual labour.

Ah, you can't tell.

Oh, bollocks.

God's sake. What the...?

Ah, that... Well, you're welcome to, I suppose, but it is a camera.

It was in there.

Right. At this point, I'm gonna choose this. Ah.

And I'm going to put that down there,

with the apple inside.

Don't hurt your back.

OK. Ready?

Here we go.

HE SCREAMS

AUDIENCE SIGHS

It didn't work.

What's that?

Oh, I am laughing, I am laughing.

Ooh.

Um, right, help me push it. Please.

Please.

Steady, steady.

OK.

Right. So, that tells us something.

OK. Are we going up the hill?

We're gonna go up the hill.

OK, here we go.

Oh, best of luck, Sanjeev.

HE GRUNTS

HE SCREAMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE SCREAMS

Very happy with that.

HE SCREAMS

Uh-oh.

Nine bricks.

Anybody want...a wall doing?

LAUGHTER

SHE SCREAMS

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE SCREAMS

You've got 30 seconds left.

No, I'm happy. Yeah. Honestly. Fantastic.

GREG: Wow. Good.

I mean, that is a full-throated scream. Yeah.

The drama of the final image. Hmm.

I mean, it might be your proudest moment.

It's a shame I have to disqualify you cos of some...

..how much of the flour fell off.

I'm only joking. Oh!

LAUGHTER

You didn't keep that going for long, Greg. No, I know.

She looked so upset. I thought she was gonna

pounce on me! I was gonna cry.

Very impressive from Sanjeev,

yet again showing why he landed a role on Paddington 2.

It was just... It was so resourceful.

Well, what he did very cleverly was incorporate

the camera that wasn't meant

to necessarily be part of it and that's... Into the height.

And that gave him the height. Well done, Sanjeev.

Well, thank you very much.

Reece, did you enjoy yourself?

No.

That's funny, cos I, you know, throughout this whole series

have pointed out that you're very close

to committing an atrocity cos you're so angry,

but I thought you built that beautiful, ornate brick thing

and it collapsed. Like a chimney, wasn't it? Yeah.

And all you said was, "That tells us something."

That tells us something. But no, I did enjoy it

and it was nice to get my hands dirty.

LAUGHTER

Why don't you give us some statistics?

Yes, well, we know that Ania failed, so I guess zero points for...

Oh, God, zero. ..Ania? OK.

And you'll thank me for them. Not even one?

No, you didn't cross the line.

AUDIENCE: Ahh.

It's just interesting, isn't it? Cos you come into this show

and you believe in justice and stuff like that

and then you realise actually it's a dictatorship,

at the end of the day. Well, I've never said it isn't a dictatorship.

Yeah, that's fine. I'll take my one point, thank you.

No, zero points. OK.

LAUGHTER

Reece's and Maisie's, very similar.

Maisie, yours was 82cm tall. Oh!

Oh! Reece, yours was 77cm tall. Oh, shame.

So, despite your building work, you're second last, Reece. Hmm.

Often the way. LAUGHTER

Three points for you, Maisie. 82cm. I'll take that.

But Sanjeev's was 105cm.

Phil, yours was 1.36m,

which means that Phil gets five points. Hey-hey!

Let's see a scoreboard, please.

Yes, well, first of all, I'll tell you the series scores,

with one and a half episodes to go.

Sanjeev, you're in last on 117, but it's tight.

Anyone could win this! Ohh.

Anyone could win it. Anyone could win it.

And this episode, he's got maximum points so far.

In the lead with ten points, it's Phil Ellis.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. What's next, please, Little Alex?

Well, jockstrap yourself in, Greg,

because we're off to the changing rooms.

SHE LAUGHS

What's all this? This is my jockey changing room.

You'd be disqualified straight away wouldn't you? You're far too tall.

Here we are.

You make a lovely couple.

Thank you. Would you like him to pass it? Is it a him?

I'm not sure. Hmm.

"Make your jockey weigh almost exactly the same as Alex."

"If your jockey weighs more than Alex, you are disqualified."

"You may only get two readings from the scales."

"There is a bonus point for the sexiest jockey."

"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."

This is your jockey. Right.

Those are your scales. Good luck.

Got to be sexy?

Doesn't have to be sexy but if you want the bonus point...

It's got to be really sexy.

There are your scales. Good luck.

Thank you. I'm not allowed to stand on them, cos that counts as one,

doesn't it? I've checked some scales and they're definitely wrong.

cos there's no way I'm over 14 stone.

OK!

APPLAUSE

So, Ania's jockey's going to be super sexy

and Phil's fatter than he looks!

LAUGHTER

Shall we have a look at them, then? Well, who are we going to see first?

It's a great equestrian. It's...

GROANING

Jesus Christ.

..Ania, Phil and Reece!

What are these?

Are these jockey things? Is this lead? Don't eat it.

Oh, come on.

Eat lead, kids.

You'll have hair like mine.

I'd like to start my characters with what the hair's like. Yeah.

Oh, hello, what are you doing up my mountain?

First things first...

A sausage! I got this sausage! I think she's Austrian.

I'm going Eastern European with this.

Lovely.

Pretty sexy.

That's not hair. That's the eyelashes.

Do you know what?

Scale, please. OK.

Do you mind if I feel how heavy you are? You can try.

Front's probably better, isn't it? I don't mind.

One, two, three.

That's quite... Can you go dead weight?

OK, I'm happy with that.

I'm going to say you're just over four... I'd say 14st 4lb. OK.

Oof. What do you mean?

14 stone. Nearly 15 in a way. 0.9.

I think that's .09. Oh.

Well, that's not 14 stone. Going to be a lot more on this.

In you go, darling.

Sexy, sexy.

Sexy space lady.

May I hide the display?

Oh, you don't want to get the reading yet? No.

I can't see through the mouth. Promise? Yeah.

Yeah, that's a great idea. Going on.

See that? I can see everything.

Oh, fuck! What does it say?

Two stone.

Three stone!

You've got three and a half minutes.

That can't be three stone!

Second reading. Yeah.

Four stone.

You've got about a minute and a half.

Well, I'm gonna give up on accuracy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Beautiful lady with a long arm.

Every man's dream.

Oh, oh, oh.

Could you help me put as much weight into these shorts as possible?

Right, fucking hell. That can't be the real weight.

Let's get some out.

Three seconds. How long?

WHISTLE Please leave her or him alone.

OK.

And then she could have some of my lipstick.

WHISTLE

Well, I think you should go and wash your hands. Yeah.

Don't lick them. No.

Look after yourself, kid. It's tough out there in the big city.

Good girl.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Reece, does a man become more or less sexy when his trousers are down

and his pants are full of 11 stone of lead?

Well, that was a miscalculation. I thought the pants would keep

everything in place but they came down.

It looked like someone that had just cacked themselves.

Yours both were almost identical for a lot of it. Yeah.

We've got a type. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

A sexy Scandinavian sausage girl.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a look. I think it's cos we thought...

..we must be thinking, like, "What's Greg going to find sexy?"

Yeah. And so it was with you in mind.

Yeah. And it is. It is a girl with pigtails

and sausages round her neck. I know.

You always form a weird relationship with inanimate objects.

Yeah, I did get quite attached to the character.

She was leaving the mountain that she grew up on

to join NASA.

She was off to space.

When you put the silver trousers on,

you said, "Now you are future sexy."

LAUGHTER

Time for a break. I'm not sure who said this,

but I think it's something it's relevant to this show.

From such crooked wood as that which man is made of,

nothing straight can be fashioned.

Kant?

Tosser!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the start of part three.

It's Taskmaster and we're having some sexy time.

Hmm. Yes, yes, that's right.

Things are pretty flipping hot as they're trying to make a jockey

weigh the same as me, with a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.

Finally, then, it's Sanjeev and Maisie.

Right, so it's sexy. You want sexy.

Just one point for sexy.

Yup, but the primary... The main thing is.

..concern is the weight, isn't it?

OK, right, well, first of...

Oh, that's sexy, in't it?

That's hard work, though.

Feather boa. They're always sexy.

I think you should go on there first. I'm going on, Sanjeev.

OK. I'm on.

13 stone...

..13. OK.

Alex, could you come stand on him? What do you mean?

Just stop him from wibbling over. I'll stop him from wibbling.

LAUGHTER

Quite buckle-heavy so far.

Oh, sexy police officer!

OK.

Phwoar.

Knee pads! Sexy - cos they suggest you're gonna be on your knees.

LAUGHTER

So at the moment... Yeah. ..the jockey is 3st 9lb.

Now, I don't want to be disqualified on a technicality,

but what if I just stood with the mannequin?

Is that... Does that count?

I think I'm about 12 and a bit.

I think I'll be over then,

cos if I'm 12, 13, 14, then that'll be about 15, which'll be too much.

Let's see. If I...

See, if that is...

Two and a half's there.

So you're basically taking a bit of a risk here.

I am taking a bit of a risk.

I think Greg's always wanted to be blond, don't you?

Does that look like me?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Are you saying you've become one with the jockey? I have. We are one.

You're one, are you? Yes.

WHISTLE Fantastic.

That is your time up. Great.

I'm pretty turned on.

I don't know about anyone else.

APPLAUSE

Well, let's talk this through, Sanjeev.

How are we going to get away with me allowing this?

You just got on the scales with the mannequin.

I asked. I said, "Would this be breaking the rules?"

I said, "You're taking a big risk, Sanjeev."

Yes, which is not a no.

I think if you had got on the jockey, it would count.

I was on his foot.

If someone gets on my foot, they're on me.

SHE SNIGGERS

But if you're... I admire the lateral thinking

and if you'd have somehow hoisted yourself up that jockey...

It would've been ironic as well, that you were riding a jockey.

"See how they bloody like it!"

Am I right?

I like it. It was very close to being allowed.

It was good lateral thinking.

Maisie.

Well, we know how this went.

That's a lot to unpack here. Just show the clip.

Yeah, she definitely established it's all about the weight.

The sexy thing's just a little bonus. Here we go.

Just one point for sexy. Yup. but the primary...

The main thing is. ..concern is the weight, isn't it?

OK. Right, well, first of...

Oh, that's sexy, in't it?

LAUGHTER

And from then on, it was just sex.

Yeah. Story of my life, baby. LAUGHTER

I thought identifying my possible vanity was a master stroke -

making him sexy by making him look like me.

Unfortunately for you,

I have to look at myself naked in the mirror every morning

and it is fucking rough.

LAUGHTER

But not naked in this.

You're in a sexy police officer outfit with...

Maybe that would change things. Yeah.

Uh... Well, shall we look at the weights first

and then you can decide on sexiness. Yeah, yeah, let's have a look.

2st 5lb.

5st 12lb.

7st 6lb.

16st 5lb.

BUZZER

Let's see. So I'm not gonna say this out loud. OK.

Yeah, so that's the readings.

Only Sanjeev came close.

Reece, I'm so sorry. You went over the top. You get zero points.

That's a shame. I really thought I was under.

Is he still in the running for the sexiest?

Of course he is, yeah. Ah, OK.

So what are we saying about Sanjeev? Any points?

Oh, yeah,

I can't not give him any points

so he can come last.

LAUGHTER

So we're saying Phil gets the full five points. Yes.

Four for Ania, three for Maisie, one for Sanjeev?

Yes, I think that's fair. One for Sanjeev and zero for Reece.

There's the points. Ah, sorry, Reece. It's all right.

APPLAUSE

And now simply who's the sexiest jockey.

So here are all five for you. Greg.

Take your pick.

Wow.

Oh, look at Sanjeev's sexy lady!

LAUGHTER

I gave you a morph. That's good.

Thank you.

The two sausage Scandinavians

cancel each other out. Right.

We're between Reece and Maisie

and they've both got sexy vibes.

I mean, Reece's, without wishing to be crude,

looks like he'd throw you round the room.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to give one point each.

I'm going to add an extra bonus point. There's an extra sexy point?

I can't deny either of them my love.

LAUGHTER

Bonus points each to Reece and Maisie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. What have we got now, Alex?

Well, it's a proud moment, Greg,

as we reveal the Task-O-Matic.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

RUSTLING

Hello, hello.

Nice contraption.

Ooh.

So... Task-O-Matic. I like this,

I like sort of little machines

and things. I've got lots of them at home. Have you?

Yeah. Like a whisk and stuff.

Shall I open and then spin, or spin and open?

You don't need to open.

I don't...? Really?

What's it going to do?

Wow, look at this. Oh.

Oh, wow, this is so good.

Can I have this?

Oh, this is so strange.

I can read it now.

"Make the most fantastic 15-second film."

"Featuring your face in full frame."

"Featuring your face in full frame."

"You have 15 minutes to film

"your fantastic 15-second full-framed face film."

"Those 15 minutes start now."

Disappointing lack of alliteration in the last sentence, I felt,

but, uh...but anyway...

Any other need for this? No.

See ya.

Please be very careful. Yeah.

As in like it's got to be a close-up of my face? Oh.

And it's got to be fantastic, Ania. I've got an idea.

I think I'm going to do... I already know what I'm doing.

I need paper mache. Can we get any? Yeah.

It could be a silent film. Could be a silent film!

But I can't make myself black and white.

Can I? Can I?

But I could paint my face.

Which colour? Oh, wh... Very white.

Very white.

APPLAUSE

I won't dwell on it too long, Maisie.

LAUGHTER

But I would say I'm quite a luddite

but even I know how to make pictures on my phone black and white.

I don't think you necessarily needed to contemplate a hate crime.

LAUGHTER

All right, let's go. So we do begin with a man of many fantastic faces.

Mr Reece Shearsmith!

FILM PROJECTOR WHIRS

SLOW PIANO MUSIC

BOOM!

APPLAUSE

I can see why you were such a competent papier mache man.

I went back to the dawn of cinema. Voyage To The Moon, yeah.

George Melies. What was the stuff that came out of your eye?

It was icing sugar. Lovely. Yeah.

Can't fault it. No. It was a fantastic film

that involved his face.

Next. Sanjeev. OK.

Yes, it's time for Sanjeev's charismatic countenance.

Get ready.

THUNDER CRACKS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

THUNDER CRACKS RAIN POURS

DRIPPING

THUNDER CRACKS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm not particular in touch with my spiritual side

but I imagine there was a strong message in there.

There was. Yes.

And what was that message?

It's "be nice".

LAUGHTER

Oh, and, uh, the floating banana?

Yes. Represented?

Exactly. Ah!

LAUGHTER

What was the stuff that was, uh, falling down

before you caught the apple in your mouth?

It wasn't falling down, was it?

It was orange juice falling up. It was falling up.

Oh, God. So deep.

LAUGHTER

I mean, the second fantastic one.

Someone's going to let us down. Who will it be?

It's time for Maisie's miraculous mug.

NOTES RESOUND

A long time ago in a Taskmaster house a really long way away,

a leather-jacketed lady was held under the tyrannous rule

of a prick with a clipboard who lived in fear of his master.

One day, enough was enough and she locked the prick in the caravan,

where he spontaneously combusted.

The master moved to Spain.

The end.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think that's quite good.

I mean, honestly, I've never been so disappointed so far.

I just think they're all good. Oh, good.

And I gelled my hair back and it stuck like that for three days.

I mean, it just looked great. I liked the story.

I mean, this is an awful thing to say

but I hope one of the last two is shit.

LAUGHTER

OK, we must stop once more.

A chance for Alex to pop to the bathroom

and time his movement.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to the final part of the show,

where we're watching some fantastic 15-second films involving faces

in full frame.

Two to go. First up, have a look at Ania's vivacious visage.

DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC

GALLOPING

Greg...

Your task is to die.

Your time starts now.

GUNFIRE

Trigger...

HORSE NEIGHS Good boy.

Let's go.

He works for me now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a narrative.

I've replaced Alex with a horse.

Yeah, so he was trying to kill you.

He was trying to rebel but the horse actually worked for you.

And then the horse replaces him for the rest of the series

as the Task... whatever his role is.

So the horse is a patsy. Yeah. Ah...

Honestly, this is like, for me, it's awful.

They're just all good.

Who's left? There's only one left. Really good.

It is Phil Ellis left. Oh, God.

I mean, Phil... Phil's bound to have fucked this up.

Fingers crossed.

Finally, it's Phil's fantastically flexible face.

GENTLE MUSIC

SEA SHANTY MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Interesting.

Phil has not done one thing on this show in nine episodes

that hasn't ended with a cheesy wink.

LAUGHTER

You know, well done, Phil. I thought you would let us down

but it's great.

But what's the narrative? I'm fascinated. Is there a narrative?

Yeah. I thought... Yeah, course there is.

It's, um... It's, uh...

It's about parenthood and... LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah. ..having to let your children...

Just at some point you've just got to let 'em go, haven't you?

Out of your mouth? Yeah. I mean, I'm not a father but...

Well, thank God.

LAUGHTER

Look, I hate doing this, I'll be honest with you,

cos I like to victimise someone,

but I could say something positive about all of them.

So I'm going to give everyone five points.

ALL EXCLAIM

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, everyone, will you make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show?!

CHEERING

My dear man. You're my guy.

Who will read the task for us?

Phil.

Allow me.

"Become the person the Taskmaster shouts.

"You will have one minute to draw yourself

"a new bottom of your face and body.

"Also you must bob up and down throughout your attempt.

"Worst new person each round is eliminated."

Yeah, so you've each got a card.

And you've got a little space for your nose.

You need to draw the bottom of your face

and then give yourself a body beneath your face.

Ready? Here we go.

Henry VIII on a horse.

Go! OK, we're looking for Henry VIII on...

Please bob. Please bob.

Keep bobbing, Sanjeev, thank you.

Phil is on a child's trampoline.

There's a lovely rhythm at the end, lovely rhythm.

WHISTLE Pens down. Pens down, Maisie Adam.

Thank you.

Oh, rhythm is a dancer.

LAUGHTER

I hereby instruct you to become Henry VIII on a horse.

APPLAUSE

They're all good.

But which one's the worst, Greg?

Well, I'm afraid...

Ah.

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid it's Phil. That man is not sitting on a horse.

Uh, I mean, if I'm honest, it looks like Henry VIII has shat himself.

LAUGHTER

We have lost Phil Ellis. Phil, you're out. I'm sorry, Phil.

APPLAUSE

OK, round one done. There are four left. Here we go.

A supermodel skiing.

Go! Supermodel skiing. Please bob.

Bobbing at the end, please. Thank you.

Maisie, bobbing... Thank you.

Maisie, bobbing.

WHISTLE Stop.

OK, a supermodel.

Oh.

Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They're pretty good. Yeah.

PHIL: Can I have that after?

LAUGHTER

Maisie's will be censored

for the children's edition of the show.

Why?

Cos I can see her tits.

LAUGHTER

First time he's ever said tits.

LAUGHTER

It's between Maisie and...

How sexist.

..Sanjeev.

Racist.

LAUGHTER

She's got big boobs, but I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs.

Her legs are attached to her breasts.

And that's why she gets the work.

LAUGHTER

I'm really worried anatomically about Maisie's.

So I will kick Maisie's big-bosomed lady out. We've lost Maisie Adam.

There we go, thank you, Maisie. That's fine.

APPLAUSE

Next one is...

..Elvis on an escalator.

Go.

Ooh.

Bobbing!

Quite focused bobbing now, isn't it? It is.

Ironically, in this bit we've had a little less conversation.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

WHISTLE And that's your time up.

That's your time up.

OK let's see Elvis on an escalator. Here they go.

We have our first landscape over here.

APPLAUSE

The best Elvis is Sanjeev, I would say.

He's got the handsome lop-sided smile on Reece's.

And... And I think I sum up what everyone's thinking -

Ania has not drawn Elvis.

LAUGHTER

I'm young.

I had to put in what I know - which is about escalators.

LAUGHTER

So I went for Baker Street.

Sit down, Ania.

APPLAUSE

Ania! Unlucky.

It's the final, it's the big one. Here we go. You ready?

A mermaid making a mistake.

Ooh.

Bit of licence here for the bobbers.

Good face from Reece.

Greg, can you imagine Sanjeev drawing and not bobbing?

I just think Sanjeev bob has become more graceful as it's gone on.

WHISTLE Pens down, please. Pens down.

APPLAUSE

This is it, Greg. What mistakes will our mermaids have made?

Hopefully they're legal.

Let's see.

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, my tits were too much?

LAUGHTER

It's a mermaid. It's different.

Your mermaid's fingering a fish.

Fish fingering?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was meant to be that

she's eating a fish on a fork.

Oh, OK. Which would be terrible, wouldn't it, for a mermaid?

Oh, that's a fork. You wouldn't eat your friends, would you?

No. So it's a mistake.

Sanjeev's mermaid...

..who appears to have a father Christmas beard,

has missed a bus?

It's trying to catch a bus.

What's the mistake, Sanjeev? Why's that a mistake?

It might be the bus to the sea.

LAUGHTER

What...? What is wrong with you?

LAUGHTER

The mermaid wouldn't be on land catching a bus.

LAUGHTER

The man makes a good point.

I mean, I do think probably the superior mermaid picture

is the cannibal mermaid.

There we go. Five points to Reece Shearsmith!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, Reece.

Please come down. We'll add that to the final score!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a lovely creative group of people we've got.

Hmm. So the winner of the task, with some fantastic art,

Reece Shearsmith! Five points. Really good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They all did well. They all did well.

It's been a very close episode -

until you get to the top of the table,

where you've got Phil on 21 points. He's won the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phil Ellis wins! Please go and inspect your respected prizes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media