Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

-♪ What a guy ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ask his friends ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

-♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

[Bob reading]

[male announcer]

Live from the celebrity amphitheater

on the corner of Olive and Grapevine,

It's The Merv Griffin Show,

starring Merv Griffin.

-Hey, thank you.

-[audience applauding]

Well, we have a very special guest

for you today--

Extraordinary young man.

Stirring quite a buzz

over the whole Hellenic World.

He's a student, son of Zeus,

or son of a Zeus,

and one heck of a nice kid.

Put your hands together for Hercules.

[cheers and applause]

Well, welcome. Good to see you again.

Oh, thanks, Merv.

[clears throat] It's great to be back.

You've been here before,

and it always intrigues me,

Your life as a demigod.

Oh, well, uh, I'm half-god

and half-mortal, so, uh,

sometimes I'm stuck in the middle.

Fascinating. Well, let's hear

more about the real Hercules,

The boy behind the armor, if you will.

What's your story?

As you know, Merv, I was born on Olympus,

but I was raised by my mortal parents

on a farm in Arcadia.

Go get 'em, son!

Hey, Ma. Hey, Pop.

It's a long way

from farm boy to wonder boy.

And guess what, folks,

we have some highlights of Hercules'

early career to view here tonight.

[Hercules] OK, uh, that's me.

That's me getting ready to raise my sword.

Uh, sword's a little higher now.

Uh, Hercules,

this is only a half-hour show.

Oh, well, uh, if you want to

speed things up, I know just the guy.

Herc, babe, I am on the job.

Merv, you are such a cat,

and I mean that, man.

OK, let's get this scroll rolling

at a fast clip.

Clip? Hey, that's a good name for this.

[music playing]

♪ Doesn't have what it takes ♪

♪ But maybe he'll get it ♪

♪ Maybe someday

till then those are the breaks ♪

♪ So why should he sweat it? ♪

♪ We'll try to tell him that ♪

♪ He's got to learn to wait

till the time is right ♪

♪ He's got to know his heart

before he starts to fight ♪

♪ And if anyone could pull it off ♪

♪ Hercules might ♪

♪ So call him half a man ♪

♪ He's growin' day and night ♪

♪ Just give him half a chance

He's gonna do all right ♪

♪ Could anyone do more than that? ♪

♪ Well, maybe he'll do more than that ♪

♪ If anyone could pull it off ♪

♪ Hercules might ♪

[music stops]

[Merv] So, you were saying.

[Hercules] Oh, right, uh...

So, this is my coach Phil and Pegasus.

[Merv] A flying horse. Amazing.

[Hercules] Yeah. Phil's always taught me

that the secret to being a true hero

is to remember my hero rules.

Blech. Oh, man!

Hero rule number 72.

Number 33.

Number 88.

...186.

Number 147.

Fee-fie-fo-fum.

Hero rule nine, giants are dumb.

[Hercules] Well, sometimes

I don't exactly remember them

as well as I should.

[Merv] Ooh! That had to hurt.

Ouch.

[Merv] Look out.

Ooh. This looks more

like low lights than highlights.

[Hercules chuckles] Yeah.

Uh, Hermes, maybe we could

skip over this part, you know?

[Hermes] Can the bloopers.

Got you covered.

[Hercules] Ah. There we go. That's better.

Now, what's the best part about going

to the elite Prometheus Academy?

The best part? Uh, gosh, I have to say

the friends that I've met there.

None better than my best pal Icarus.

Hey, Icarus, you out there?

Hang on! I'm going to be there in a jiffy.

Ow!

Yow! Mayday, mayday!

[crash]

Ladies and gentlemen, you know him

as the kid who flew too close to the sun,

Icarus!

I think everybody wants to know

why wax for the wings?

And why the fascination with the sun?

You really cut me to the quick, Merv.

You want to break me, don't ya?

Playing with my head,

trying to make me cry like a big fat baby.

Well, I'm not going to fall for

your ratings-grabbing talk show tricks.

[sobs]

Oh, man! I'm a freak, Merv!

-He's your best friend really?

-Uh, yeah.

Icarus and I have been

through a lot together.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

The guy with the thing--

-The thing, yeah, and it was too, uh--

-[Merv] Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I don't want to interrupt,

but what are you talking about?

Sorry. I just have some stuff

of Icarus and me, too.

Uncle Hermes, you want to roll that stuff?

[Hermes] That depends.

Do I have to watch it?

[Icarus] Ha ha! "Do I have to watch it?"

You are killing--

Shut up!

[music playing]

♪ Who soars like an eagle in flight? ♪

♪ Icarus ♪

♪ Who fights for the right

with his might? ♪

♪ Icarus ♪

♪ Who thwarts any threat

without breaking a sweat ♪

♪ And looks pretty good in his tights? ♪

♪ That's me ♪

♪ Icarus ♪

♪ Icarus ♪

♪ Icarus ♪

The sun is about to set,

but I will not allow this temple to close.

I will not be moved.

I have to go to the bathroom.

[Icarus] Hey, that's me.

[Merv] We get the idea. Right.

So, how convenient.

Ooh! Bring on the big "c," baby!

[Hercules] Hey, hey. Here's the time

Circe turned you into a platypus.

[Icarus] Oh, yeah,

and a darn nice platypus I was, too.

Oh, like it was a good thing.

[Hercules] At least you weren't a lemur.

Oh, and here's when we took care

of those stupid minions

who worked for Hades.

[Merv] Ooh, you've tangled

with the fearsome Hades?

Now, that must have been scary.

[Icarus] No way. Herc eats

that big blowhard for breakfast.

Come on! Just look

how many times he's burned Hades.

The curtain was almost down!

[Hercules]

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one.

Ciao, babe. Ciao.

I got to go. I got to go shampoo my hair.

[chuckles] That's likely.

There goes my credit rating.

Does anybody feel like a cup of coffee?

[roaring]

[Merv] Oh, man, look at that jerk!

Puh-lease. He's not scaring anybody.

[Hercules] You know, Merv,

he's not as tough as he looks.

[Merv chuckles] That's because

he looks like a nincompoop.

[both laughing]

Ooh, that's funny.

The boss is a big nincom--

Poop.

[screaming]

He thinks he can make

a monkey out of me, huh?

Actually, your tenaciousness,

I think the word was "nincompoop."

I know what it was, thank you.

Come on, boys.

Merv doesn't know it,

But he's about to be canceled.

[Merv] Hoo-hoo!

He certainly deserved that one.

[Hercules] He usually does.

[Merv] Wow.

How about this one?

Run away as fast as you can.

-[lightning cracking]

-[screaming]

[Icarus Imitating Merv] Yes, fascinating.

Extraordinary footage,

really one-of-a-kind.

Will you cut that out?

This isn't your show. It's mine.

Correction! It's my show now.

Hades is in the house!

Hey, clear out, cat. This is our gig.

Hey, the lounge loser and his lingo,

like, "beat it, cat."

[Hermes screaming]

Hey, Jercules, guess what?

News flash! You've been bumped.

[Hercules screaming]

You can't take my show away like this.

That's right, mister.

You are in for a but--

[muffled]

[Hades] Put a cork in it.

Athens, get ready, babies.

Because now I'm too hip, I can't stay.

I almost got to go, but I'm here!

[Pain] And now, dead,

From the underworld amphitheater,

on the corner of Fire and Brimstone,

it's The Hades Show, starring Hades!

And now here's...

Hades!

-All right, and welcome to the show.

-[audience booing]

Let me just say

how great it is to be here.

I haven't had this much fun

since I helped my friend

the Cyclops shop for bifocals.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

[Hercules screaming]

[groans]

Sorry about that, but Hades tossed me

off The Merv Griffin Show,

and I hope you understand. I just...

Now if only I can find some way

To defeat Hades.

So, where do I begin to tell the story

of the magic that is me?

Oh, I don't know.

Let's just show the clips

and dive right in.

It's all going to be just fabulous.

[laughing]

Why are you stuck in this backwater water?

You are obviously almighty material.

But I'm mighty.

There.

A tidal wave just blew out Lemnos Beach.

Splash! [laughing]

Nice. But I'm talking almighty like Zeus.

He's got Heavens and the Earth.

You, you've got water and a big fork.

If the River Styx were to alter its course

to, say, you know, include Greece--

Now, it's crazy talk.

Unless some aqua deity with the power

to move rivers were to intervene

to make Greece part of the underworld,

then, of course, it would be my call

who gets Athens.

Wait a minute! I could do that!

I can't give you Athens.

The jewel of Greek city-states. Never.

Did I pull a fast one on fish boy

and the owl lover?

And what happened?

Ba-da-bing! I was the lord of Athens.

♪ Oh, flame-top is honing ♪

♪ A plan for rezoning ♪

♪ And takin' his show ♪

♪ On the road ♪

♪ Just look at him gloating ♪

♪ While busily boating ♪

♪ That ego must be ♪

♪ Quite a load ♪

Come on, ladies, sing along with Hades.

♪ Let me show you girls around

in my town ♪

♪ New Hades ♪

♪ It sure beats living underground

in my town ♪

♪ I got a penthouse out on Spark Avenue ♪

♪ I'd like you to see ♪

♪ Museums and parks, works of art ♪

♪ Are all, hey, dedicated to me ♪

♪ We'll shop at Doom-and-Gloomingdale's ♪

♪ In my town ♪

♪ We'll dine tonight in toga and tails ♪

♪ In, yeah, my town ♪

♪ I'm the host who loves to toast ♪

♪ Know the job well done ♪

-♪ In my town ♪

-♪ In his town ♪

-I'm number one.

-Not in my book, you ain't.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ I'm honored, I'm mayor, ♪

♪ I'm chief of police in ♪

♪ Ho ho ho ♪

-♪ His town ♪

-Yeah.

♪ The hottest spot in all of Greece ♪

♪ Says who ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ The Parthenon, the crowning jewel ♪

♪ Could use my flare for urban renewal ♪

What?

I'm just kidding.

I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm serious... not!

♪ His town ♪

Yeah! In my town!

Hey, you gotta love it, don't ya?

Keys are with the valet,

thank you very much. Good night.

♪ His town ♪

But not for long,

because Athena rules today.

Ooh, you know,

I got a soft spot for Athens,

but my life, my love and my lady,

is the underworld. Ha-cha-cha!

But, boss, I thought you wanted to dump

the underworld and take over Olympus.

Just shut up and show your clips,

all right?

[both] We got a clip reel.

We got a clip reel.

Now, sit back and watch some

mighty morphin' minions at work!

We're looking pretty good here, partner.

Nobody morphs better.

[Merv] What is that?

Ooh, a lion.

Ooh, a lion.

I got to say, that's very impressive.

[Pain] Thank you, Merv. We try.

[Panic] Ooh, what was that?

[Pain] What? You don't remember

the time I turned into a banana slug?

[Hades] All right, all right, OK.

Enough with the stupid minion tricks.

Gosh, you know, it's not easy

Being the most beautiful

god in the universe.

[Adonis]

Make way for a real special guest.

Helen and I demand to have the spotlight.

-Well, when it's our turn.

-Excuse me. You guys got a minute?

Allow me to introduce myself.

Hades, lord of the dead.

[Adonis screaming]

[both grunting]

Adonis, prince of threads.

You know, I've been watching you.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got potential.

Really.

Oh, please. Adonis, he is

the very embodiment of evil. Ugh.

That's icky.

Oh, icky is it, Helen, babe?

Can I just say you need to be

a little more open-minded, huh?

You got to beyond the flames,

the fangs, the stench of death.

And, hey, I'm a regular guy

who happens to hate Hercules.

Well, what's not to hate?

Exactly. You care to humiliate him

Publicly together?

Love to.

Ba-da-bing.

But first we need to hear

some important messages.

We'll be right back.

This is my show. I get to say...

We'll be right back!

No. I'll be right back.

Hey, and we're back with Adonis

And Helen of Troy,

and we were just talking

about what a big old loser Hercules is.

Just look at the dope.

This is a role model?

I believe we have another volunteer.

-Over here.

-[exclaims]

Oh, and look at this gym. I rest my case.

Your geography projects are all lovely.

Miss Cassiopeia, if I may demonstrate?

It's a working model.

[Hades] Nice, nice. You're great.

Why haven't we gotten together before?

You have got what it takes

to succeed in the evil business.

[Adonis] Thank you. You're sweet.

Inspirational, Adonis. Alpha-plus.

What's not to lava? [laughs]

Lava.

Mr. Hercules.

Oh. This is rather unconventional.

It's a map of the world.

Oh, dear.

Well, I'll give you an incomplete.

Perhaps you could aspire

to something more--

[Helen] You just wait a minute.

I like Hercules.

Frankly, he's everything you two are not.

[mumbling]

Snookums, how can you say that?

Well, you've done a lot of not nice things

in your time, Adonis,

But joining the lord of the dead

really takes the cake.

Whoa, whoa. Am I that bad a guy?

You don't know Hercules at all.

He's brave and sincere

and, well, I just have to sing about it.

♪ You haven't always been

the model of good taste ♪

♪ No, you've never been the poster child ♪

♪ Of grace ♪

♪ But it's natural ♪

♪ To stumble and fall ♪

♪ When you're striving to stand tall ♪

♪ No one said you had

the greatest fashion sense ♪

♪ Maybe once or twice

you've acted kind of dense ♪

♪ But you found your way ♪

♪ Out of the dark ♪

♪ And straight into my heart ♪

♪ And I want you to know ♪

♪ You're the light of my life ♪

♪ You're my bright sunny day

and my starry, starry night ♪

♪ Because you're honest, brave, and true ♪

♪ You're my hero ♪

♪ Sometimes you've struggled

to impress the girls you liked ♪

♪ It's never easy living up

to high school hype ♪

♪ But a demigod has a human side ♪

♪ And a heart too big to hide ♪

♪ And I want you to know ♪

♪ You're the light of my life ♪

♪ You're my bright sunny day

and my starry, starry night ♪

♪ Because you're honest, brave, and true ♪

♪ You're my hero ♪

♪ You're my hero ♪

Yada, yada, yada. Herky-jerky is a hero.

Bore me. Sit down.

You can make fun of me,

But don't you be mean to Hercules.

He can always be counted on

to come through when it matters most.

[Hercules] And that is correct, Helen.

Great. Spoilsport is back.

Hades, I demand you release Mr. Griffin

and relinquish your evil stranglehold

on this quality show.

You want your spotlight back?

Come on. Come over here and take it.

That's just what I intend to do.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We are not barbarians here.

-A talk show is no place for fighting...

-[bell dinging]

Unless it's my show we're fighting for!

-[Merv squawking]

-[Adonis screaming]

I think your show biz days are over.

Hey! Nobody shuts me up

and gets away with it!

[screaming and yelling]

Well, Hades, it's just you and me.

I must warn you,

I have a powerful weapon in my corner.

Oh, really, you do? What would that be?

Your uncle's stupid wingdings?

[grunts]

No, just, uh, something from my father.

I'm sorry, wait a minute. Did you say--

[Zeus] Father?

Hello, Hades.

You know, I think my son's old enough

to try his hand at the family business.

Smiting the wicked.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, Herc.

You know, I was just

kidding around here, huh?

I mean, you don't want to toss that thing.

[muttering]

You know [tittering]

you might hurt somebody

Like, like me.

One, two...

Three! OK!

[people cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen, can you beli--

Hercules and his father,

the king of the gods, Zeus.

[people cheering]

Wow, what a show, And it just

keeps getting better and better.

Zeus, sir, would you mind joining us?

Ha! I'd be glad to.

I always had a little itch

to get into show biz.

Well, there's so much I'd like to ask you,

but let's start with this.

You are the all-knowing

master of the universe.

Just what is the meaning of life?

Oh, it's quite simple, really, Merv.

-You see, the meaning of life is--

-[theme music playing]

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

That music means we are all out of time.

My thanks to Hercules, Icarus,

Helen of Troy, and Zeus!

We'll see y'all tomorrow.

Good night, everybody!

[man] Guests of The Merv Griffin Show

stay at the luxurious Procrustean Inn

in the heart of midtown Athens.

Spend a night, not an arm and a leg,

at the Procrustean Inn.

[theme music playing]